abyssalscreaming - Tumblr blog

abyssalscreaming · 7 months ago

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#i don't know what my future holds #my career prospects are so up in the air right now like i have no idea if or when i will find work #but i swear to fucking god #i AM going to get fucking railed soon #like. ideally this weekend #i am manifesting it i am going to make it happen i swear to god #i am going to get fucked

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abyssalscreaming · 1 year ago

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#everything has felt really hopeless lately #all of my future plans have fallen through and i don't have any more good back-ups #and i just like...#i just don't know what i'm going to do #and it's really hard #i feel like a failure #and my past mistakes have caught up to me and i don't know if i'll be able to overcome them #and i can't help but feel like my life is ruined and i have no hope of salvaging it #i dunno

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abyssalscreaming · 1 year ago

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#i have now scheduled three dates with three different men from grindr.#none of them went ahead.#two ghosted me one cancelled #i'm trying so hard not to internalize it #but like... two is a coincidence three is a pattern man #i'm the common factor #i dunno #i'm trying not to worry about it #but it's hard. i'm really dissapointed

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abyssalscreaming · 1 year ago

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#i have a date with a really cute guy on sunday #and i think we've been really hitting it off and he's really sweet and i really like him #but i feel like my profile photos make me look a lot better than i actually look in person #and i'm so worried he's gonna take one look at me when we meet up and lose all interest...#which is. like. i understand it's wild to be worried about that #like. if nothing else. the date is five days away and that is too far away to worry about it like this #but like... he is SO cute. he's like genuinely really conventionally attractive #and i'm not!!!! he's really genuinely out of my league!!!!#and i'm just really worried that he thinks i'm prettier than i actually am and he'll be dissapointed when he sees me #and he wont want a second date

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abyssalscreaming · 2 years ago

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#i have a genuine problem that whenever sends me a nice message on grindr #i always want to respond in kind because it feels nice and polite to do that #even if i don't think we'd be compatible #but i don't want to message someone who sent me a nice message and say like #'hi that was very sweet but you're like fifteen years older than me and i'm not quite that desperate yet'#it's quite a perdicament #i feel bad ignoring them #and like... leading them on seems way worse for sure #and i feel like any response other than shutting them down is leading them on #and shutting them down feels mean

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abyssalscreaming · 2 years ago

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#THESE ARE POSITIVE FEELINGS BUT I CAN'T POST ABOUT THEM ON MAIN AND I NEED TO PUT THEM SOMEWHERE SO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH #jesus christ i needed that today #like... holy fuck #it was exactly what i needed at exactly the right time #and i didn't even... do anything to make it happen?????? someone just..... decided to do that for me??????#god and it's just... it's exactly what i've been craving lately and ESPECIALLY lately #like it's unbelievably timely #and it's just... so nice #i don't even know what to do with myself i'm just... it was so nice

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abyssalscreaming · 2 years ago

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#emotions are wild #like. instead of 'making up a guy to be mad at' you can just 'make up a story to be sad at'#i was thinking about a completely random hypothetical this morning #completely unprompted not related to anything #not remotely likely to happen #and i thought about it so hard that i almost cried about it??????#some of it is estrogen-related i have been so much more emotional lately #but like. what the fuck

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abyssalscreaming · 2 years ago

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#one time i had a therapist and i was explaining some of the health stuff i was dealing with at the time #and i was like 'a lot of what i'm dealing with is genetic' and i talked about how my mom was really sick a lot throughout my youth #and i was just like... stating it as background info in a casual way to give her more information #and she was like 'that must have been really hard for you'#and when she said it i had a moment like 'Oh.'#'That WAS really hard for me.'#it didn't even occur to me before that??? it didn't even register as a Thing That Happened to me #it was just part of my life that i sorta... accepted #and it really flipped a switch in my brain a little bit #where i think i realized sometimes i can take on other people's burdens and think of them as 'their burdens' and ignore how they affect me #and sometimes i focus on what's happening with other people as a way to ignore what's going on with me #anyway i was thinking about that today #and it seemed to sad for my main so i'm posting it here because i needed it out of my brain #too*

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abyssalscreaming · 2 years ago

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#jesus fucking holy fucking goddam fuck me #today was supposed to be one fucking flavour of terrible and it's terrible in a wholly different way which is WAY fucking worse #i can't fucking believe this man it's so fucking goddamn fucking shit #fucking goddamn hell jesus fuck

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abyssalscreaming · 3 years ago

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#tw suicide #tw self harm #i want to kill myself right now more than i've wanted to in like... months?#definitely since the start of the semester #i'm even having urges to fucking self-harm man like i haven't had serious self-harm urges in years #it just all feels so fucking pointless!!! my whole life is going to be one misery after the fucking next and i don't know #why i should fucking subject myself to it!!!#why shouldn't i just fucking stop now and avoid the fucking misery #jesus fucking christ man

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abyssalscreaming · 3 years ago

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#today was going so fucking well and now i'm so fucking miserable #i was SO happy this morning #i was practically fucking skipping in the breeze #and then one fucking thing and i'm completely fucking miserable #i have class tonight and i HAVE to go but i so don't want to... i just want to curl up in a little ball and fucking die #jesus christ #i'm so fucking upset lmao #i should eat something but when i'm like this it's so hard to eat i just want to cry and go to sleep and try again tomorrow man #fuck today #fuck this semester #just like... god damn it honestly #fuck

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abyssalscreaming · 3 years ago

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#i spent time with people today and i'm shocked at how affected i am by the fact that people just... casually touched me #y'know???#like giving me a hug or touching my arm or whatever #i am... more touch-starved than i thought LMAO #a bitch does love being touched by other people

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abyssalscreaming · 4 years ago

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#i desperately need to make a doctor's appointment #i have for weeks #i almost worked up the nerve today but i came pretty close to a panic attack so i'm letting myself off withit for today #but i'm REALLY hoping i can do it tomorrow #i also need to try to see a psychologist like i need to find some way to get an appointment

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abyssalscreaming · 4 years ago

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#sometimes i think about my attempt #how it could've worked #honestly if i had just... waited #it probably would have worked #just gone to sleep #the seizure might've just taken care of it #jesus i wish it had #god it could be years before i have an opportunity like that again #i wish it had worked the first time #god do i ever fucking wish

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abyssalscreaming · 4 years ago

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#i really want to just get in my car and drive off a cliff

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abyssalscreaming · 4 years ago

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#bad day

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abyssalscreaming · 4 years ago

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#yeah even that's not going so well lately honestly

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