abyssalscreaming
Screams to the Abyss
She/her | Trans Woman | This is my private blog, I'm mostly gonna use it to vent and reblog sad posts |
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naaharu
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#everything has felt really hopeless lately#all of my future plans have fallen through and i don't have any more good back-ups#and i just like...#i just don't know what i'm going to do#and it's really hard#i feel like a failure#and my past mistakes have caught up to me and i don't know if i'll be able to overcome them#and i can't help but feel like my life is ruined and i have no hope of salvaging it#i dunno
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#i have now scheduled three dates with three different men from grindr.#none of them went ahead.#two ghosted me one cancelled#i'm trying so hard not to internalize it#but like... two is a coincidence three is a pattern man#i'm the common factor#i dunno#i'm trying not to worry about it#but it's hard. i'm really dissapointed
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#i have a date with a really cute guy on sunday#and i think we've been really hitting it off and he's really sweet and i really like him#but i feel like my profile photos make me look a lot better than i actually look in person#and i'm so worried he's gonna take one look at me when we meet up and lose all interest...#which is. like. i understand it's wild to be worried about that#like. if nothing else. the date is five days away and that is too far away to worry about it like this#but like... he is SO cute. he's like genuinely really conventionally attractive#and i'm not!!!! he's really genuinely out of my league!!!!#and i'm just really worried that he thinks i'm prettier than i actually am and he'll be dissapointed when he sees me#and he wont want a second date
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#i have a genuine problem that whenever sends me a nice message on grindr#i always want to respond in kind because it feels nice and polite to do that#even if i don't think we'd be compatible#but i don't want to message someone who sent me a nice message and say like#'hi that was very sweet but you're like fifteen years older than me and i'm not quite that desperate yet'#it's quite a perdicament#i feel bad ignoring them#and like... leading them on seems way worse for sure#and i feel like any response other than shutting them down is leading them on#and shutting them down feels mean
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#THESE ARE POSITIVE FEELINGS BUT I CAN'T POST ABOUT THEM ON MAIN AND I NEED TO PUT THEM SOMEWHERE SO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH#jesus christ i needed that today#like... holy fuck#it was exactly what i needed at exactly the right time#and i didn't even... do anything to make it happen?????? someone just..... decided to do that for me??????#god and it's just... it's exactly what i've been craving lately and ESPECIALLY lately#like it's unbelievably timely#and it's just... so nice#i don't even know what to do with myself i'm just... it was so nice
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#emotions are wild#like. instead of 'making up a guy to be mad at' you can just 'make up a story to be sad at'#i was thinking about a completely random hypothetical this morning#completely unprompted not related to anything#not remotely likely to happen#and i thought about it so hard that i almost cried about it??????#some of it is estrogen-related i have been so much more emotional lately#but like. what the fuck
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#one time i had a therapist and i was explaining some of the health stuff i was dealing with at the time#and i was like 'a lot of what i'm dealing with is genetic' and i talked about how my mom was really sick a lot throughout my youth#and i was just like... stating it as background info in a casual way to give her more information#and she was like 'that must have been really hard for you'#and when she said it i had a moment like 'Oh.'#'That WAS really hard for me.'#it didn't even occur to me before that??? it didn't even register as a Thing That Happened to me#it was just part of my life that i sorta... accepted#and it really flipped a switch in my brain a little bit#where i think i realized sometimes i can take on other people's burdens and think of them as 'their burdens' and ignore how they affect me#and sometimes i focus on what's happening with other people as a way to ignore what's going on with me#anyway i was thinking about that today#and it seemed to sad for my main so i'm posting it here because i needed it out of my brain#too*
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#jesus fucking holy fucking goddam fuck me#today was supposed to be one fucking flavour of terrible and it's terrible in a wholly different way which is WAY fucking worse#i can't fucking believe this man it's so fucking goddamn fucking shit#fucking goddamn hell jesus fuck
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#tw suicide#tw self harm#i want to kill myself right now more than i've wanted to in like... months?#definitely since the start of the semester#i'm even having urges to fucking self-harm man like i haven't had serious self-harm urges in years#it just all feels so fucking pointless!!! my whole life is going to be one misery after the fucking next and i don't know#why i should fucking subject myself to it!!!#why shouldn't i just fucking stop now and avoid the fucking misery#jesus fucking christ man
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#today was going so fucking well and now i'm so fucking miserable#i was SO happy this morning#i was practically fucking skipping in the breeze#and then one fucking thing and i'm completely fucking miserable#i have class tonight and i HAVE to go but i so don't want to... i just want to curl up in a little ball and fucking die#jesus christ#i'm so fucking upset lmao#i should eat something but when i'm like this it's so hard to eat i just want to cry and go to sleep and try again tomorrow man#fuck today#fuck this semester#just like... god damn it honestly#fuck
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#i spent time with people today and i'm shocked at how affected i am by the fact that people just... casually touched me#y'know???#like giving me a hug or touching my arm or whatever#i am... more touch-starved than i thought LMAO#a bitch does love being touched by other people
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#i desperately need to make a doctor's appointment#i have for weeks#i almost worked up the nerve today but i came pretty close to a panic attack so i'm letting myself off withit for today#but i'm REALLY hoping i can do it tomorrow#i also need to try to see a psychologist like i need to find some way to get an appointment
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#sometimes i think about my attempt#how it could've worked#honestly if i had just... waited#it probably would have worked#just gone to sleep#the seizure might've just taken care of it#jesus i wish it had#god it could be years before i have an opportunity like that again#i wish it had worked the first time#god do i ever fucking wish
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#the only people who dated me for more than a month abused me#i've had two long-term relationships#both of them were with people that abused me#i've tried so many times with so many people#but nobody stays#and i HAVE to assume it's because of me#i don't know what's wrong with me#like#surely if this keeps happening to me i need to look inward#but the only conclusion i can come to is that there's something fundamentally unloveable about me#and i don't know what it is#it doesn't help that i'm ugly and overweight and trans and disabled#but like god#do i just have no redeeming qualities?#am i just that bad?#is my personality that horrible?#god#it fucking must be#not that that's surprising honestly#i DO fucking suck#i just... i just fucking wish someone loved me man
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