#jesus fucking holy fucking goddam fuck me

[abyssalscreaming]

.

[master-gatherer]

Honestly a lot of these issues could probably be avoided if engineers paid half a lick of attention to grammar 🤨

[hardstraykidshours]

👀 if you're still taking requests: "enemies to lovers"-esque where reader insinuates that bang chan has popcorn muscles. pabo chan takes the bait and sees red #strengthkink

anonnnnnnn...omfg. i love a good enemies to lovers trope and don't even get me started on strength kink 👀👀👀 i also went wild and decided to sprinkle in some jealousy because i just couldn't help myself. i really hope you like what i came up with for you! enjoy!!!!

❤️ abbie & courtney

-------------------------------------------

pairing: chan x afab!reader

genre: smut, 18+ (minors dni)

length: 3.3k (oops)

warnings: profanity, sexual/suggestive content, dom!chan , sub!reader, jealousy, taunting, degredation if you squint, fingering, orgasm denial, hate sex (kinda?), unprotected sex (please wrap before you tap), creampie, afab reader, nsfw 18+ (minors dni)

“holy shit how is he carrying that?” you didn’t even realize you had said the words aloud, too transfixed by the way changbin was carrying three boxes at once. “like what the fuck? is he superman or something? i wish he’d carry me like that.” you mumble to yourself, completely unaware that chan had walked up behind you and heard every word.

you couldn’t help it. it’s not like it was your fault every single muscle in changbin’s arm was bulging with strain as he helped move your boxes up the stairs. when you had asked the guys to help you move into your new apartment you had expected them to show up and move some boxes, not give you a whole goddam show. you would have never thought you could get so wet over some cardboard. 

changbin bends down to pick up yet another stack of boxes and you have to literally suppress a moan at the way his arms flex and contract. how did you never realize he was so shredded? like jesus christ, he’s so built. you find yourself imagining what it would be like to lick every single inch of his body, feeling the curves and ridges of his strong muscles beneath your tongue.

“can you at least close your mouth if you’re going to watch him? you’re literally drooling.”

the sound of chan’s voice makes you jump and you snap your mouth closed. a blush creeps up your cheeks as you whirl around and realize he was watching you. of all people to catch you staring, of course it had to be chan.

"i don't know what you're talking about.”

“uh huh, sure. that sounded super believable.” the blatant sarcasm in his tone makes your defensive nature start to rise to the surface.

“and what’s that supposed to mean?”

“you’re really going to try and tell me that you weren’t staring at changbin’s muscles? as if i didn't just find you blatantly watching him, mouth wide open like you were looking at your next fucking meal.” 

“well….i…." you stumble over your words as you try to devise a plausible excuse. "oh just shut up." you don’t miss the way he chuckles softly in response, clearly enjoying how flustered you are.

god, he's so fucking irritating. he knows exactly what all your buttons are and goes out of his way to push them. and of course he also has to be friends with changbin and jisung. you love hanging out with them, but chan is just always there, annoying you with that cocky grin and his stupid comments.

“what are you doing here anyways?" you snap, already on edge after only a few minutes of being around him.

"helping you move, duh."

"last i checked i asked changbin and jisung to help. not you."

"well we all have plans later so they asked me to come lend a hand so we aren't late. i figured with my help we'll finish in half the time."

he flexes his arms dramatically and you can't help, but roll your eyes. "oh please, you may look good--"

"so you admit i look good?" he smirks and you have to fight the urge to smack the grin off his face.

"if you would let me finish, i was going to say, you may look good, but we all know those muscles are just for show. unlike theirs." you nod across the room towards changbin and jisung who are carrying a dresser into your room. their arms are bulging under the weight of the heavy furniture and you watch as a bead of sweat starts to run down changbin's face. god, you'd like to lick that off.

"could you be any more obvious?"

you snap your gaze back to chan, another wave of irritation rolling through you. "could you be any more annoying? it's not my fault i like a man who can actually use his muscles instead of just flaunting them like a fucking trophy."

"i'm only annoying because you make it so easy sweetheart." he taunts condescendingly, knowing how much you hate it when he calls you that. he reaches out to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear and you smack his hand away harshly, frustrated that he always knows just how to get under your skin.

"and for your information, these arms can do more than just look incredible. a lot more." with that he strides across the room, tossing a sly wink over his shoulder.

he quickly gets to work, moving heavy boxes and furniture with ease. as the afternoon wears on he never breaks his brisk pace and you have to admit you're a little impressed with how strong he is. not that you would ever give him the satisfaction of saying that out loud to him.

as your getting some things settled, you end up changing your mind about the layout of your living room, so you ask the guys to move the couch when they finish dropping off the boxes they're carrying.

"where do you want it?"

you turn around from the bin you were unpacking and your eyes widen in surprise for a moment before you manage to fully mask your reaction. apparently, chan decided not to wait for the other guys to move the couch. so now he's just standing in the middle of your living room, holding an entire fucking couch. like it's not a huge couch, but still.

"ummm, over there against that wall." you mumble, trying not to stare too heavily at his bulging biceps or the thick veins snaking down his forearms and hands. he walks across the room and settles the couch into the spot you indicated gently. the entire movement looks almost effortless, as if moving a whole couch took little to no exertion. okay, so maybe you're more than just a little bit impressed with his strength.

the look on your face must have betrayed you a little because when chan turns around and looks back at you his lips tilt up into a smug smile. "i told you they weren't just for looks."

"oh just shut up and get the rest of the boxes."

"whatever you say sweetheart," he taunts, a knowing smirk on his face as he heads downstairs to grab the rest of the stuff from the moving truck.

"hey is there anything else you need moved?" jisung asks as he walks out of your bedroom, changbin close behind him.

"no, i think that should do it, chan's getting the last of my things right now and i'm pretty happy with where all the furniture is. thank you guys again for helping me, there is literally no way i could have done it all myself. and i really didn't want to have to pay movers and then awkwardly stand around for a couple of hours while strange men came in and out of my apartment."

"of course! you know we'd never subject you to the horrors of having to talk to a stranger alone. but, if we're all done, i think we are gonna head out. we need to swing by our place before tonight because there is literally no way i'm going out with this one if he doesn't shower first." he glances over his shoulder, a look of faux disgust on his face and changbin shoves his shoulder playfully. "shut up, we both know you smell like a fucking locker room right now. anyways, if you need anything or when you inevitably decide you hate where everything is in three days just hit us up, we are pretty free this week."

"thanks guys! i totally owe you one!"

you wave as they leave and plop down on your couch, exhausted from all the moving and unpacking. pulling out your phone, you start mindlessly scrolling, not looking up when chan comes striding into the apartment a few moments later. he moves to set down the last of the boxes, talking as he does.

"i ran into the guys on my way back in and they said that we're all set. so i guess that's my cue to leave as well."

"yup, thanks for your help today. i guess." you mumble, still not looking up from your phone.

you hear him chuckle lightly at your half-hearted thank you as he heads back to the door. "oh and don't forget to hydrate after all the drooling you did today."

your eyes snap up to find him leaning against the door frame, that irritating smirk painting his lips.

"i was not drooling!" you defend, wishing he would just leave. it was bad enough having to deal with him when the guys were here to help act as a buffer. but when you're alone with him it takes all your self control to not strangle him and you're just too tired to deal with that right now.

"oh please, i should've gotten you a towel to help clean up after you watched me move that couch."

"oh my god, just let it go." you return your attention back to your phone, slumping further into the couch. you don't register that you never heard the door open and close until chan's hands suddenly land on the cushions on either side of your head. you jump in surprise, dropping your phone into your lap.

"why are you still here?"

"because i'm not going to leave until you admit that you were wrong."

"what are you talking about? and get out of my space," you shove at his chest and have to force yourself to not think about how hard his muscles felt beneath your hand.

"admit that you think i'm strong." he leans over and you can't help but notice the way his biceps bulge with the motion. you swallow thickly, trying to pretend you’re not affected by his suddenly invasive presence. you will not give him the satisfaction of knowing that this is turning you on a little. so, you pick your phone back up and start scrolling again, pasting a bored look on your face.

“oh, is that how it’s going to be?” he asks while plucking the phone out of your hands and crowding into your space even further. “you’re going to pretend i don’t exist? don't think i didn't notice you staring at me today. i bet you were wet all afternoon while you watched me work."

taking a breath to steady yourself, you move your gaze to connect with his. “well sorry to disappoint, but you couldn't be more wrong.” the words come out much more confidently than you feel with his large body towering over you.

“oh, okay, sure,” he replies before dipping down to plant a chaste kiss against your neck. your body freezes, every muscle locking up as all your senses zero in on the feeling of his mouth on your skin. “you keep telling yourself that you didn't notice me.” he mumbles the words against your sensitive flesh and you have to fight the urge to moan as his soft lips brush against your skin again and again. "that you weren't thinking about all the things i could do to you."

"i...i wasn't. you're the last person on earth that i would want to sleep with." your words sound unconvincing even to your own ears. the denial loses even more credibility when you find yourself threading your fingers through his hair as he moves to latch his mouth to the other side of your neck.

"who said anything about sleeping with you? i just mentioned all the things you were thinking about me doing to you. careful sweetheart, your horny is showing."

"i fucking hate you."

you feel his breath puff across your skin as he chuckles lightly before leaning in again. your head tips back against the couch behind you as he nips at your throat and you can’t suppress the soft moan that escapes when he laps softly at the sore spot.

you tug at his hair to pull him closer to you and you feel him groan against your neck. his hands are suddenly underneath your thighs and you feel yourself being lifted, and then moved, until your back is pressed against a wall. heat floods your core at the feeling of his hard body against yours, but before you can even fully absorb the sensation, chan’s mouth is against yours and you lose yourself in his tongue.

bright hot arousal courses through you as his mouth moves with yours, every lap of his tongue and nip of his teeth sending bolts of electricity straight to your core. his hands grip your thighs as he makes out with you and you can’t help but focus on the way his fingers press into your flesh, as if they are trying to memorize every inch of you before you disappear.

you know this is a bad idea. he's never going to let you live this down and you're definitely going to hate yourself for this later. but when his mouth is on you like this, you can't find it in yourself to care.

he shifts so he's holding you up with just one arm, his other hand moving up to wrap around the back of your neck, pulling your mouth closer to his. you moan into the kiss and you wrap your thighs around his waist, his arousal even more present as you start to roll your hips against him. you’re vaguely aware of the way he moves the two of you down the hall as you continue to make-out. he suddenly drops you onto your mattress, the movement abruptly breaking the kiss. he crawls onto the bed after you, settling between your legs before reconnecting his mouth with yours.

“oh god, chan,” you murmur against his lips, thrusting your hips into his, desperate for more contact. his mouth starts to move down your neck, sucking on the flesh hard enough that you know it will leave marks.

"look at you. i've barely done more than kiss you and you're already moaning my name. when are you going admit that i drive you crazy? that you're completely desperate for me. that--"

"just shut and fuck me before i have time to remember how much i can't stand you."

you try to grind against him but he presses his broad body down against yours, preventing you from moving.

"nice try there sweetheart, but i'm in charge here." heat floods your system at the dominance in his voice. with one quick movement he rids you of your panties, his fingers quickly replacing the fabric. he strokes your soaking pussy a few times before diving in, plunging his fingers deep inside of you.

"god you're so wet for me. i've bet you've been dripping all afternoon, just waiting for me." you open your mouth to protest, but when you feel his thumb press against your clit, your brain empties of all thoughts. he continues to work you with his fingers and you feel your high rapidly approaching. just when you think you are going to tip over the edge, he pulls away and you whine in protest.

“no!” you gasp, barely able to form words beyond your desperation for him. “i need more! please, give me more!”

“oh? now you'll admit you want me?” he asks, smirking down at you.

"no that's not what i meant. i will never admit--" your words die in your throat as he plunges his fingers back inside of you, curling them to hit that spot just right. a loud gasp escapes you and you throw your head back, overcome by the sudden pleasure coursing through your veins. he continues to stroke you, pumping his fingers at the perfect place, drawing you closer and closer to release until…

“no! please don’t stop!” you practically sob when you feel him stop his ministrations yet again, just before your orgasm. 

“you think i’m going to let you come without my cock buried inside you? you think i'm going to give you the satisfaction of release before you admit how desperate you really are for me? no, no, no, that just wouldn’t do."

“please, chan, please just give it to me,” you beg, dying for his touch, your release teetering on the edge.

“oh i will, but not until you say the words." he looks down at you and you bite your lip, determined to not give in. but then he starts to move away from you and your hands lash out, gripping onto his biceps with deadly force.

“okay fine!” you practically scream. “i was staring at you all afternoon and i hate it. i hate that i couldn't get myself to look away. i hate that all i could think about as i watched you was what your muscles would feel like if you used them on me. so please, please, i’m begging you, take me. fuck me until i’m screaming around your cock, make me come harder than anyone has ever made me come.”

“there. now that wasn't so hard, now was it?”

he quickly removes his pants and boxers. before you can even blink he’s pounding into you in a way you have never been fucked before. your eyes roll back as pleasure overtakes your system once more, his cock hitting you just right with every stroke.

pure bliss starts to overwhelm your senses and you move your hands to his stomach, dying to feel the way his abdomen contracts as he thrusts into you. his hands catch your wrists and pin them above your head before you get the chance to feel anything and you can’t help but whine in protest.

“oh, so now you want to feel my muscles?” he taunts as you squirm beneath him. “did you really think that after all your arguing i would just let you have whatever you want?” he flicks his thumb across your aching clit and you can only mewl in response, your hips jerking towards his hand, eager for more contact.

he smirks at your reaction, reveling in the effect he has on you. he starts pounding into you harder than before, his thumb working your clit in earnest. it takes no time at all before you feel yourself tip over the edge, thighs beginning to shake as pleasure wracks your body. curses and cries of his name pour from your lips as you come, your legs wrapping around his body to hold him close as you do. 

you try to wrap your arms around him, but his hands continue to keep your wrists hostage, holding them to the bed as you come. you can feel his strength surrounding you. you're completely at his mercy and that thought makes you come harder, aftershocks rippling through you as he keeps you pinned beneath him.

“fuck, yes, that’s my girl,” he murmurs as your orgasm washes over you, his words only heightening the experience. “god you feel so good… fuck… you’re gonna make me--” the feeling of you pulsing around his throbbing cock becomes to much and his hips stutter as he starts to lose control. he curses when his release finds him, dropping his head to your shoulder as he comes deep inside of you.

he collapses against you as he finishes, his body pinning you to the bed beneath him. you feel yourself drowning in him, but for some reason you feel comforted rather than overwhelmed, his large frame surrounding you in every way. 

silence overtakes the room, the only sound filling it being your collective gasping as you both try and catch your breath. finally, chan speaks, his deep voice rumbling against your skin. 

"i'm glad you finally decided to admit how you really feel. lying's not a good look for you."

"oh my god," you groan, shoving at his shoulders. "i still hate you."

"oh i know sweetheart. i know."

tag list: @sensitiveandhungry

[fluffypotatey]

leverage 2x03

WE GOING IN!!!!

Oooooh ok called “The Order 23 Job” 👀 so my guess is that it either has to do with hitmen or law related (OR MAYBE BOTH?????) 

Oh wait episode description say they take over a hospital floor????? What????? TO STAGE AN OUTBREAK?????? LEVERAGE??????

Y’all what am I about to get myself into holy fuck 

COURT ROOM

WE IN COURT AGAIN

wait a minute…..is it just me or does this defendant guy look familiar…..either he is the same dude from the Miracle Job or he’s just a new dude

NOOOOOO GOVERNMENT WHY

ugh gross 🤢 18 months????? fucking bs

Ok rip to me because I don’t remember the guy from the Miracle Job well but I think this guy is not him

Also, this Ronald man (paused it and the show his name on the cast list! thanks prime????) is either gonna kill the Eddie dude or be Leverage’s new client

He might assault him tho. That isn’t off the table. Assault and then he goes to jail LONGER than the white collar crime dude. Yes…..I can see that

OH HE HAS A GUN

NATE YOU FUCKING KING

AND HE STILL PUNCHED HIM!!!! I hope that felt good

Oh good just a warning

Guys am I getting a Hardinson episode??????

THEY ARE FUCKING FOCUSING ON HIM WHILE RONALD TALKS ABOUT HIS SISTER GUYS AM I WINNING?????? (I am so sorry Ronald your story is tragic and I am currently misty eyed BUT AM I WINNING YALL???)

Oooooooh did that cut close to you Nate???? An illness that could have been prevented and yet help was not afforded to you? 

How over his son’s death is Nate btw? Asking for a friend

Eliot and Hardinson shitting on rich people my beloved

Yes Nate :))))) he is a germaphobe :))) ABUSE IT

dam ok y’all just gonna talk about how you swindled some people in front of an officier (tho not like he can do much. you got your sentence and also government aid.) Jesus you must feel so invincible rn

I hate him. Eddie fucking sucks. 

“It’s about shifting fear” lmao i love irony 

Love you Bob

Man what did they drug him with?????

NATE YOU ARE NOT!!!! YOU ARE NOT PLAYING A DOCTOR (he is 🥰🥰🥰)

“Let’s go steal us a hospital” y’all i love this show

Awwwww Parker’s mini panic (same girlie. I would be asking the same questions in your situation)

Oooooooh they got ambience audio

THEY DID NOT ASK PARKER THAT LMAO

y’all Eliot and Hardinson fighting over clothes help 💀

Lmao the way they are playing up his paranoia 

YES PARKER PLEASE PLAY IT UP

HARDINSON AND ELIOT POLICE DUO????? Let’s fucking gooooooooo

Awwwww little baby boy 🥺 why he sick 🥺 awwwww it’s ok baby

Eliot stop staring at him that’s creepy

OH

oh ok understood

Eddie being all smarmy lmao you have no idea what you got into

SOPHIE!!!! 

I hate Eddie 

Awwwwww Nate giving Parker a 101 on how to manipulate people 🥺

That’s how zombie movies start

LMAOOOOO 

the plot thickens :)

Yes Eliot :3 play with their rational

“My wife just had a baby. 🥺” “His wife just had a baby 😔✊”

Hardinson repeating people’s words my beloved 

Sophie you play this so well 👏👏👏👏👏👏

Oh no Eddie 🫢 you are handcuffed 🫢

Hardinson be careful 

“Yippity skip!”

Eliot help the kid 🥺 

Nate do not rational that lmao

Sophie no 💀 what about your “boyfriend”

Eliot! You hide your ear piece! 

God I am stressed 😫 Eliot stop!!!! ELIOT

ELIOT MY KING BUT I AM STRESSED 

YES HE IS YOU BITCH

ok Eliot I was wrong. Kill that man

Awwww poor security man

“You have been exposed to an antigen that is repelled by water” STOP IT 😂😂😂😂 IM FUCKING WHEEEZING

Hardinson: doing his job

Eliot: not doing his job and instead put for blood

OH I FUCKING KNEW THAT MAN WAS SHIFTY!!!! CHARLIE!!!!! I KNEW IT

goddam why they always need to double check shit :( let the con men be free from double checking

Dammit Eliot, Hardinson is giving you some pretty good info AND YOU STASHED THAT EAR PIECE AWAY!!!! ELIOT PUT IT BACK ON

Of course it’s the fucking mob 🙄 should have known but seriously 18 months???? Why not 5 years :/

Oh of course, OF COURSE ELIOT GETS TO CHARLIE NOW!!!! Put that ear piece back or so help me!!!! SO HELP ME! SO HELP ME! SO HELP ME!

Is he gonna be chucked into a fucking morgue drawer 😔 Eliot run

OH NO

ELIOT RUNNNNNN

thank you Hardinson!!!!!! 

Y’all those are special equipment!!!!! The hospital needs those!!!! 

Ok Eliot now put the ear piece back on

Lmao Nate 😂😂😂😂 THE FUCKING SOVIETS??????? LMAO

Sorry I shouldn’t be laughing but it’s so fucking funny

IN THE DRAWER??????

Yes Parker!!!!! You are playing your role so well 💖💖💖💖

LMAO

Bob love you but please stop being good at your job

Awwww Eliot 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 

He said his real name 🤧🤧🤧

No I’m not crying leave me alone. I’m okAY

shut up

NO!!!! NOOOOOOOOO 🫠🫠🫠🫠 Randy baby boy 🤧

Alrighty. What now :/

It’s night?????? Already?????? When did that happen??????

IN THE COURT ROOM???????? EDDIE WHAT??????

LMAO 

Love you Parker

“Everyone of you is looking to 25 to life” oh baby, they have a way longer sentence if they ever get caught lmao

LMAOOOOO 

Eddie dude 😂 you are so bad at this

I love their gloating 🥰

“Kiss ass” 💀💀💀💀

Eliot stop giving Bob ideas

Eliot tell him about Randy 🥺

YEAHHHHHHHHH

YEAHHHHHHHHHJJJJHHH 🤧🤧🤧🤧🤧🤧🤧

A-okay broskis 

I’m sooooo good 🥲

Good episode 🫠 tbh the epidemic plot was funnier than I thought it would be but like on the flip side it would be so scary to have that be played on you. Real pandemic is enough for me. Y’all don’t need to con me that shit

The fucking side plot with Eliot and the kid 🥺 y’all I’m am sobbing 😭 just how Eliot clocked that so fast and how he tried to hard to help and finally gets Randy away and safe for good (well, maybe not for good bc foster system but he shows that kid that help CAN come and he’s not alone and 🥲) 

Also, this was not a Hardinson episode *kicks dirt* BUT I LOVED ALL OF HIS MOMENTS!!! I love him so much and I want a focused episode on him so badly is that so wrong?

But man. Imma cool down and breathe then go to the next episode 

[notstilinski]

One Last Stop Starters !

Taken from the 2021 novel by Casey McQuinston, One Last Stop Some of these have already been edited. You can change them however you see fit!

“(Name), stop telling people about frog ghosts.”

“They’re on (Name)‘s sleep schedule, though. So, a ghost in the night.”

“It gave us nine great years. And carpet can hide a multitude of sins.”

“If they’re gonna kill you, get their DNA under your fingernails.”

“That little twink contains multitudes.”

“They love me as much as they love anyone else.”

“You like jokes. I don’t.”

“Do you realize you just say words in any random order like they’re supposed to mean something?”

“I can’t decide if I’m impressed or horrified?”

“Definitely brought me back from the dead more than once, so, thank you.”

“Really out here smashing pussy, (Name).”

“We get about a hundred hot lesbians through here a week. You’ll find another one.”

“Sorry, like, it’s your life and all, but do you not hear how badass that sounds?”

“That sucks. I’m your mom now. The rules are, no Tarantino movies and bedtime is never.”

“You’re a bullshitter.”

“Because you have, like, the energy of someone who knows things.”

“A frontal lobotomy to forget the night I had?”

“Never thought I’d see a vampire I didn’t want to fuck.”

“We’ve kissed, like, three times, but they have that thing where they’re terrified of being loved and refuses to believe they’ve deserved it. It’s so tedious.”

“Does it ever, like… I don’t know. Make you lonely? To love somebody who can’t meet you there?”

“I hadn’t pegged you for a scammer.”

“I’m mysterious by nature, (Name).”

“Jesus. What did ya’ll do this time?”

“Hey, what’s up with you? Who hurt your feelings?”

“Who do we have to frame for murder?”

“A gift from (Name)? What god have I pleased?”

“Oh, I’m loving this already. What kind of creatures?”

“Cute. Maybe a poltergeist. A cute poltergeist. Can I meet them?”

“So, you’ve gathered us here to tell us you’re boned up for a ghost.”

“What? Pick the lock? What kind of feral child are you? Are you Jessica Jones?”

“You know, I thought you were a little spicy when I met you.”

“I swear to God, if a ghost kills me, I’ll haunt the shower.”

“Your friend is weird.”

“I told you, I think, I’m. Something’s wrong with me.”

“Honestly? The day I met you.”

“Yeah, guess I don’t have the whole magical soulmate bond you have with them.”

“(Name). Can we maybe not treat them like a creature of the week?”

“Like you’re their Pop-Tart angel. Like you shit sunshine. Like you invented love as a concept.”

“I think I should kiss you.”

“I’m repressing it! Let me repress it!”

“You’re so mean to me.”

“So many questions for someone who does not come to work.”

“Yeah, exactly. Forever. As in, it’s the only thing I know how to do.”

“I know logistically how to perform some tasks.“

“Go where? I’m trying to have a nervous breakdown here.”

“Can you turn that brain of yours off for a second and trust?”

“It makes me feel like I’m going to die!”

“You trusted me, right? Now trust yourself.”

“Big dick energy is gender neutral.”

“I mean, it’s as if you like to be emotionally tortured.”

“God, you are the most useless bisexual I’ve ever met in my entire goddam life.”

“I’d disappoint them. They don’t deserve to be disappointed.”

“Loving the sacrilege.”

“Wow, holy shit, you figured it out. You’re gonna win a Peabody Award for reporting.”

“As fun as it is to break your brain, no one at work knows. Tell them and I break your arm.”

“Is your family horny for Jesus too?”

“I’m not cute. I’m-I’m tough. Like a cactus.”

“Where does that disembodied voice keep coming from?”

“They’re always wearing the exact same thing. That’s ghost behavior if you ask me.”

“And I left them. That’s… Fuck. I forgot how that felt. I left them.”

“Yes, thank you. I invite you to eat a dick. Goodbye.”

“Maybe no good timing means there’s no bad timing either.”

“You’re a normal person. Under un-normal circumstances.”

“That’s new for you, huh? Being able to get drunk?”

“Is this a date? Am I on a date right now?”

“(Name). Any way you want to kiss me is the way I wanna be kissed, okay?”

“You’re like—like a fucking painting or something stupid like that, what the fuck. You just walk around like this all the time.”

“Sorry, was I skulking? Sometimes I skulk without realizing.”

“Okay, still, let me be a mom for a second.”

“(Name), we’re adults, just say you got your back blown out.”

“I guess criminal behavior isn’t as much of a turn-on for me.”

“Never go to a second location with someone unless you’ve checked their trunk for weapons first.”

“Let go of me. I deserve to be free.”

“They’re not gonna leave us if they get married, (Name).”

“How did this become a roast of me? (Name) is the one under the table.”

“I’m wearing a shirt and no pants. I’m Winnie the Pooh-ing it.”

“What do you mean? Why would they leave me something? I’m the shameful family secret.”

“No. I hit him. The lip is from when someone else pulled me off of him.”

“It’s like I died. I died, except I have to feel it. And on top of that, I have to feel everything else I’ve ever felt all over again. I have to get the bad news again every day, I have to deal with the choices I made, and I can’t fix it. I can’t even run from it. It’s miserable.”

“No, you didn’t. But you made me realize it. You made me remember. And maybe that’s worse.”

“Just because you can’t run doesn’t mean you can make me do it for you.”

“Uh-huh, and this wouldn’t have anything to do with the way you reflexively ice out anyone who even appears to have rejected or wronged you?”

“Oh, so they… they thought I just left without saying goodbye?”

“It’s not a heist. It’s… an elaborate, planned crime.”

“Okay…hmm… oh, I’ve made friends with a subway rat.”

“Judge all you want, but I’m the only one who will be spared in the inevitable Great Rat Uprising.”

“No, it’s cute! You’re such a nerd. It’s endearing!”

“What can I say? I’m the one that got away.”

“I have to say, I’m impressed. This is definitely the most organized crime I’ve ever been involved in.”

“Sometimes the point is to be sad, (Name). Sometimes you just have to feel it because it deserves to be felt.”

“For what it’s worth, you’ve never disappointed me once since I’ve met you.”

“Is there anything else you want, before tomorrow?”

“I just did it because I thought you were hot.”

“I was really lonely before I met you.”

“I like when you’re in crime boss mode.”

“They have to kill him. It’s the only way.”

“I can think later. Right now I just want to be here, okay?”

“I’m here. I’m not leaving.”

“You’re the most important person I’ve ever met. And I never should have met you at all.”

[jellogram]

Just finished watching Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark and are you FUCKING kidding me??? The big character development this kid gets after being racially abused by every authority is to.... stop dodging the draft and go to fucking VIETNAM??? THAT'S HIM GROWING UP AND BEING MATURE??? HOLY FUCKING SHIT????

Like you literally just ended your spooky teen scream movie with the message that submitting to the goddam Vietnam draft was a brave and noble thing to do??? Like he's finally doing the right thing??? I'm sick. I'm gonna be sick. It was a mediocre movie before that but Jesus fucking Christ. Fuck this movie oh my god

[wroteclassicaly]

that steddie x reader blurb you posted????? holy fucking shit that’s some of the hottest smut ive ever read??? something about soft~ domming eddie and steve together….. absolutely sends me into a tizzy jesus my mind is racing. them just being so pliant and willing to do whatever you want, yeah that’s the dream. and then the frottage of it all???? seriously that is so fucking hot. hats off to you cause goddam that was perfect. i will be rereading that blurb forever mwah

Omg, this honestly just made my night! We love to soft dom and roll around with these men!! 🤤 GLAD YOU ENJOYED! ☺️ The filth shall continue soon, muwhahahahaha

[gardenerian]

Hey Mel, it’s mommy & baby tomato anon! I like the little anon check in we’re having today 😂

I get to see little baby tomorrow for the first time Thursday!! My nerves are absolutely INSANE but I’m SO excited! in honour of baby tomato’s first physical appearance can we have a small fic of Ian and Mick in the car after the realisation that they’re having a baby hits? (As I’m sure my husband and I will be sharing a very similar experience soon 😂) Thank you Mel xxx

mommy tomato! i am so excited for you. sending you all my love and best wishes! here are some words for you:

"i can’t believe how small it was! like a little peanut in there.”

“hmm? oh - yeah.”

“what’s wrong?”

“nothin’. fuckin’ small, yeah, like you said.”

“mickey.”

“damn it, fine. i.... i don’t think i actually saw it.”

“what?”

“i don’t know, man, everything was all blurry. i dunno if what i was lookin’ at was baby or just, like, the inside of her.”

“what the fuck, why didn’t you say anything?”

“you were all cryin’ and huggin’, i didn’t wanna ruin it by saying i didn’t know where it was!”

“jesus, mick. you deserved to be part of it!”

“i was! i just don’t really know what i was part of!”

“oh my god, hand me the sonogram. there - you see that?”

“.....yeah?”

“that’s the baby, right there.”

“that’s it?”

“that’s it.”

“that’s our kid?”

“yep, that’s our kid.”

“but it’s so fuckin’ little!”

“that’s what i was saying!”

“what the fuck, we can’t take care of something that little! jesus christ, that’s too goddam small.”

“it won’t be that small when it’s born, mick.”

“still pretty small, though.”

“yeah, but we’ll be ready. you’re gonna be great.”

“they’re just gonna let us walk outta there with a little person? just like that?”

“just like that. we’re gonna be parents.”

“what the fuck?”

“i know. holy shit, that’s our little person.”

“our little person. jesus. can’t wait to meet 'em.”

“yeah - me too.”

“glad they won’t be that fucking small, though, or i’d lose 'em real fast.”

“nah. you’d carry them around in your pocket.”

❤️

[withoneheadlight]

ok i saw this cap of zoë kravitz in hf and she's got such a dreamy expression, she looks so deeply self-absorbed and infatuated by whatever she's imagining and those lines. and i couldn't stop picturing billy exactly like that for days so,

,

There’s a pretty unusual sound coming off the house when Max comes back home, that summer afternoon.

Full volume. Walls shaking. And she quietly walks to the source of the sound, holding back her breath right in front of Billy's room because, there's this second sound? Stranger and way more unsettling and Max's not sure-sure at first but then Steve Perry’s voice takes off and Billy’s follows it and then he's like, singing along and. Well. Max did know Billy liked Journey but not like, their 'stuff for pussies' but uhm, he does, apparently. Rasps his voice all the way through ‘Faithfully’. Kind of, sighs. Longingly? When it ends? But pfff, ok, big brothers are weird. Definitely weirder after being possessed and then kind of resurrected. Even if it's in a good-weird way but, whatever. So Max's just about to sneak to her room, dutifully rolling her eyes, steps muffled by the first chords of 'Edge of the blade' when―

Click. Click. Billy stops the tape. Click. Takes it out. Tap. Tap. Click. Puts on― Billy puts. On,

Heaven.

Bryan Adams’ Heaven.

And Max―

Being a younger sister is a meticulous kind of full-time, private detective job. You gotta learn how the person you’ve been watching so carefully for years and years works. Hafta develop some sort of―sense about your target. And Billy’s been—un-Billy-like? These past two months. Smiling more. Telling more jokes. Playing ‘You shook me all night long’ in a loop on their drive to school and back, not complaining at all but even joining when’s Max who can’t help but sing along so.

So. She retraces her steps. Knocks. Takes the distracted grunt she gets as a ‘Yeahyeah, c’mon in c’mon in’ and,

Creak. Creak. ‘―baby you’re all that I want’

“Billy?”

Billy’s sitting cross-legged on the floor. Radio close to his knees. Cassettes scattered everywhere. Piles and piles of breakwater surrounding Billy’s old, rusty beacon of sound. He’s reading through the song-list of one of the tapes, a smoke locked on the corner of his mouth, bouncing up and down with every little, absent suck he takes, and he looks. He looks―

Self-absorbed and even. Relaxed. Happy. Like whatever he’s thinking about right now is actually carrying his thoughts away to fucking heaven.

“Ehh”

“Uh-hu?”

‘When you’re lying here in my arms!’

“Billy are you. What―” ‘I'm findin' it hard to believe. We're in heaven’ “What are you doing?”

But there’s this orbit around the sun and then there’s whatever one Billy's been spinning along with the last couple of months so he completely ignores her question. Shakes the tape on his left hand. Picks another one from the pile on his right. Asks her.

“Is Billy Ocean too much? ‘Cause I think it’s too much. But it kind of fits into what I'm trying to say so” he says, shrugs, looking up at Max and waiting for the answer of what she realizes was not really a question. Not at all. So she does her little sister job and just, nods “Right. That’s good. I think it’ll slide just nicely into Bruce Springsteen and―”

“Billy” Max insists, waiting for the charm of the third time to work. It doesn’t. Not really. But keeps Billy's eyes on her long enough to squeeze an “A mixtape?” And, uh. That’s what gets it on. The charm “Are you making a mixtape?”

“Uh?”

And it’s like Max just shook Billy out of a daydream. Ash plopping down from his cigarette as his lips try but can’t purse and Max― she’s good. She’s stellar at this detective thing. Recognizes an opening the moment she sees it, right there in front of her, frozen in the middle of shaking Billy Ocean and Bruce Springsteen in the air right before cocktailing them together. Shaken, not stirred, please. Max’s upgraded to James Bond-level just right now.

“You’re making a mixtape for someone”

“Oh-nonoMaxi―”

“But you didn’t have those tapes before. Not even in your secret stash”

“How do yo―?”

“Holy. ShIT. You’ve been listening to somebody else’s music” This is. Oh, God. This. Is. GOLD. Max gotta take a moment. Blink. Breathe. Process. Her hands move by themselves, palms spread toward Billy in a wait-a-minute kind of gesture except. Max’s gonna need way more than a minute for this “You’ve accepted a music recommendation”

“Maaaaax”

“Gosh, you’ve even listened to the tapes enough to. Make―”

“Max!”

“I just can’t believe it”

And Max was glad. Well. As glad as one can be. Bunch weeks ago. Her mom and Neil out for the day. Coming back home a little earlier than she usually does to hear those ugh. Those other noises. Happy screams. Again. After months and months of Billy being basically alone except for her and the party and Steve. And Max’s so glad, of course she is. But she’s also a little sister. And all this investigation work has a high, rightful purpose.

Make her big brother’s life a living. Hell.

“Oh my god, you must be so gone!” Max brings her hands to her mouth. Takes a deep, deep breath that’s more a poorly restrained giggle. Shoots her index at him “Is it Bon Jovi? What I’m seeing right there? Goddam, Billy are you in lo―”

Bam.

Bam. Bam!

The front door.

What a way to spoil the fun. Max doesn’t have time for this. She’s working.

“BILLY?” comes a voice from the other side “Billy are you in there?”

Steve.

Oh.

What a way to make the fun a hundred times better.

Bam.Bam.Bam!

She’s starting to move to get to the door, sinsonging “Well, I guess Steve’s gonna find out you’re so stupid in love you’re willingly listening to―” when she realizes Billy’s eyes have widened and he’s jerkingly trying to unfreeze, he’s mumbling something in around his already extinguished cigarette in the ways of “Can’t” and “Find out” and “Surprise” and “Fucking help me!” While literally trying to shove the huge mass of tapes under his bed, his tone like hurryhurryhurry!, like he would start gagging and throwing his lungs out at any given minute, so nervous he looks.

So Max doesn’t go for the door. Yet. She basks in the enjoyment.

“Oh, is it a secret romance or something?” She sighs happily, leaning against the doorframe instead. “‘Cause you look pretty worried”

Steve’s banging the door now, voice wavering a little as he asks-shouts “Billy? Billy answer me! Hey, bab―Are you ok?”

“Max, please” Billy begs. Begs. Crawling over to where a Madonna’s Like a virgin is laying with the tape looping slightly out “He really can’t find out”

“What? That you’re in lo-o-oh-oh-OH―”

Billy stops at the tone, right there on his knees. Spits his forgotten cig to the side. And in the instant it seems to take him to make up his mind they both can hear Steve shout “Ok. I know you’re in there!. I’m coming in now!!”

“Fuck! Yeah. I am. Ok?” he looks like he just realized he’s tripped. Blushes. “Making it, I mean”

BAM!

And Ohhhhhhh.

Zero-fucking-zero-fucking-seven.

“Steve,” Max gasps. Because. Hear it makes it like. Easier. To process “You. And Steve”

B A M!

“Yeah, Max, Yeah. And this is a fucking surprise and he’s gonna―”

‘I've been waitin' for so long. For somethin' to arrive. For love to come along’

Ok. Oh. Okok.

“Door!” Max hastens him.

“What?”

“You. Door. Run!” She commands, and Billy― sometimes Max can’t honestly understand how he's got the grades he's got, because Billy blinks, looks clueless “C’mon slow ass. Hurry! I’ll hide all this shit”

And Billy finally gets it. Nods. Slow. Then fast. Stumbles up. Literally runs, to get to the door.

Max still gets to hear his labored “Fuck, pretty boy. “That was really hardcore of you. That's how bad you wanted to see me?” And Steve's own breathless “Really?” Before pushing Billy's room door close with her back, and kneeling on the floor to check for stray, incriminating cassettes.

Pretty boy. Maybe Max isn't as clever as she thought she is. Or hasn’t been doing her job right, clearly.

It's when she’s making ‘It’s a kind of magic’ disappear into the rest of the pile that she lays eyes on it. The case. The J-card written almost all the way down to the B-side already. A mixture of songs Billy's heard so many times there are parts where his tapes screech, and others she'd bet her life he wouldn’t have deigned to listen to. Not ever. Definitely not because―no, for, somebody. Bowie and Cher and Cindy Lauper and Bob Seger right next to Metallica and Guns n' Roses and Meatloaf and― there. There. Almost hidden in the back of the spine. A note. A tiny, thin-lettered thing Max really, really shouldn't be reading but―

‘Thanks for driving me back.

Love. Billy’

But. That's what little sisters do too, she guesses. Intrude. Annoy. Snoop. Feel this sudden rush of relief. Of happiness. When Billy laughs softly, on the other side of the door. When Steve laughs back. Maybe a tear. Or two. But just maybe. She’s really good at this little sister thing, after all.

Hopes for stellar.

,

or: that post s3 where steve lets a camaro-less billy drive him around in his own car "really? again, hargrove?" almost every single day, for months, after he comes back, because "you’re gonna perpetually stick yourself to my ass at least let me do the one thing that frikin’ calms me down" which results in steve resigning himself to deejaying in the shotgun even if "jesus, what's that shit, harrington?" "my car, my rules, sweetheart" which results in billy developing a ‘songs steve harrington is in love with’ mental playlist, realizing he’s probably a little bit in love with the way he loves them and, possibly, a little much love with steve and then stealing steve's tapes one day and,

making a mixtape about it.

(the first of a whole lot, of love letters)

[maldito-arbol]

Talon?! Polly is heart I’m calling it BE GAY DO CRIME!!! THE EYES THOSE GODDAMMED EYES >:((( Th atsmphere your making for this place is very crespy /pos mmm Anne gots trauma Holy fuck whats going on with this slide? Like it’s sick but also jesus i know it probably not Polly but NOOO “There’s a control panel there on the platform, multicolored (and yet still dull) buttons and a joystick there like this is some kind of video game. Huh. Marcy sure would like this.

Don’t keep your eyes closed forever, Anna-banana. I…need you, Anne.” So many PMIT vibes here mmmmmm Cmon Anne go with themmm GO ANNEEE “Something she fails to process is the glow of orange warm against her back, and the staticky sound of laughter following it.

“Flee, flee, little one. You’ll only delay the inevitable…”” AGARGAHSNEJSJSN MALLLL “Test 1: Escape the Waterpark Room.

Status: Passed.” OMGGGG YESSSS I LOVE THE TESTS IN PMIT HOLY FUCK Jajajshshsnsnnsuws Eating this scorpion and frog stuff, also Polly calling themself the scorpion?!

OOoo giant room!! “No, because when she looks at her reflection in the glass of the shelf beneath them, she remembers. Her front teeth jut out of her lip like fangs, two leaves stretch out on either side of her head instead of the normal curved ears she knows to be human, her eyes glow blue, and her fingers end in long, sharp thorns, claws more like. Her long hair spills over her shoulders and her back, a lot more than she’s expecting—when was the last time she got it cut? Feels like forever. But the strangest part, perhaps, lies in the two long, branchlike protrusions sprouting from her forehead—antlers .” All of the test thingys having cool ass designs fir Anne and Marcy omggg “Polly seems to shrink into herself suddenly, and Annie realizes only afterwards that a low, guttural sound is rumbling from the back of her own throat, steadily raising in both volume and pitch, and it’s frightening. Branches are sprouting now from her shoulders and her back, sharp teeth are digging into the soft flesh of her own inner cheeks, her claws are growing.” AHHSSJSM EATING THIS UP OMG OmG I HATE THE EYES /pos polly whyyy please don’t press buttons randomly 😭 POLLY AGAIN WHY?! /lh “There’s something she finally notices as she looks back at the colors. Excluding orange, every color of the rainbow is present there. And whatever, of course she recognizes a rainbow when she sees it, she’s a freaking lesbian.” Aggsjsjshsjskemss same Anne. Same THAT MOTHERFUCKER OF AN EYEBALL WHY ARE YOU HERE ARGRGDHEJS

“Test 2: Escape the Wine Cellar.

Status: Passed.“ wooop wooop “And yet every day she grew bigger and stronger and smarter, you grew wilder and meaner and full of unwanted cold blue power. You destroyed everything. You hurt everyone you loved. You ran and ran, chased by mobs of people with torches and pitchforks, you came here to get away from them, to get away from everyone because nobody saw you as anything more than a bloodthirsty monster.

All except little, innocent Polly. Polly has never once left her side.

“So what now? You want me to stand right here, or would you rather I run? I do love a good chase.”

You want me to hurt you, she realizes in the same instant her heart breaks. …why? Does her own sister see her as nothing more than a monster, just like everyone else? She pokes and prods Annie with little jabs aimed at her anger, just waiting for this side of her to awaken and unleash chaos, but she still flinches every time Annie so much as raises her hands near her. No. It’s more complicated than that. There’s something I’m missing. Something I’ve forgotten that I should be remembering now.” GOD MAL THIS SCENE ARGEHSJS ITS SO GOOD IM EATING IT BU,T THE ANGST OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (sorry about the big copy and paste but it’s all so good) AYYY I WAS RIGHT ITS HEART, MMMM TH HEART ANGST HERE YUMMM

“You never left my side, did you, Polly?” She speaks now not as Anne, but as Annie-B. “Even with everything I did and everyone who was after me, you stuck with me anyway. That, I can count on.” She extends her hand, claws and all, and Heart stares at it. “And maybe I’m a fool for believing in the scorpion, but at least if we drown, we’ll drown together.”

Their eyes glitter, then soften. “Poetic, isn’t it?” They place their little hand in hers. “But surely a frog and a scorpion could make it across together. If they just tried.”” AHGATYEHSJS MAL 😭 HELP /POS “Final Test: Admit Defeat.

Status: Passed.” WOOP WOOP

MMMM HEART LORE!! Grgrgrgehrrr this is so well written Mal omg “And as Anne leans forward with interest, they begin their terrible, terrible tale.” GOD IM SO EXCISTED FOR THE HEART CHAPTER OMG OMG

Sorry this was mostly just saying how good it was lol, I’m not great at analysis 😅 hope you still enjoyed my rambling :)

Noooo no don’t apologize I LOVE your rambling, it gets me happy stimming so fast. It’s always just so nice to see ppl’s reactions to certain parts like omgomg I’ll be like “that was the exact part I wanted to see ur reaction to!!!” And start bouncing on walls

THANK YOU for this ask eating it

[thatboomerkid]

CLEARANCE LEVEL 5 REQUIRED: IMMEDIATE POST-█████ (CLASS-███ EVENT) INTERVIEW OF Dr. [REDACTED] by [DATA EXPUNGED] CONDUCTED █ █████ ON █/██/██ WITH ████ BANANA-██D█ █████09: “DICK MEATSWEATS COLLECTIVE”

Dr. [REDACTED]: (is violently hauled into a cramped, windowless interrogation-cell with a bag over his head, handcuffed; is shoved unceremoniously into a metal chair and then immediately handcuffed an additional seven times)

(low, dull-yellow lighting flickers over a single long, scarred, heavily-reinforced steel table bolted to the cement floor; also, ██ is actively ████ SCP-███ █ of █████ with ██ and ███ ham-beast ████)

[DATA EXPUNGED] █ ████ (hereafter referr to as “Interviewer”) ██ and █ with a hot ██ and ███ twin spatula ████ Megaman ████ (see ██ ███ ███thick dong█)

Interviewer: (gestures dismissively at Dr. [REDACTED], addressing security officer) Please, remove that. It ... won’t be necessary.

Security: (raises quizzical eyebrow)

Interviewer: (gestures again, making the international sign for “pull the bag off his head”)

Security: (raises other eyebrow, even more quizzically)

Interviewer: (frowns, narrows eyes)

Security: (makes international sign for “do you mean ‘pull his head off his torso’?”)

Interviewer: THE BAG. TAKE THE FUCKING BAG OFF HIS HEAD.

Security: Oh! Okay, yeah, sure, that makes WAY more sense. (pulls bag off of Dr. [REDACTED]’s head) Sorry about that.

Dr. [REDACTED]: (blinks several times)

Interviewer: Good morning, Dr. [REDACTED].

Dr. [REDACTED]: (blinking) Oh. Fuck.

Interviewer: You know, I get that a lot? So, Dr. [REDACTED], could you — perhaps — please begin by telling me just a little bit about what it is you do here at the Foundation?

Dr. [REDACTED]: Am ... am I in trouble?

Interviewer:

Security:

Interviewer & Security: (suddenly laugh out loud)

Interviewer & Security: (continue laughing)

Dr. [REDACTED]: (frowns)

Interviewer & Security: (still laughing)

Interviewer & Security: (laughing hard enough to shed actual tears)

Interviewer & Security: (audible wheezing)

Dr. [REDACTED]: (pretty clearly offended)

Interviewer & Security: (slowly composing themselves)

Dr. [REDACTED]: uhh ... the fuck?

Interviewer: (wiping away tears) Oh, sweet hopping pogo-Jesus. That was goddamn hilarious. Yeah, no oh my god no, you’re not in trouble.

Security: Yeah, I would have just shot you.

Interviewer: Yeah. Definitely.

Dr. [REDACTED]: (nods at random dead guy seated in the chair next to him) Ah. So is that what happened to this guy?

Other Researcher: (also seated next to Dr. [REDACTED], also handcuffed, still with a bag over his head) Yeah, I was wondering the same thing.

Interviewer: (narrows eyes) No, that was due to a ... “miscommunication”.

Security: YOU GAVE ME THE NOD.

Interviewer: WHAT NOD!?

Security: THE NOD! THE NOD THAT MEANS TO SHOOT THE GUY IN THE HEAD! THE FUCKING ... THE NOD!

Interviewer: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT? WHAT “NOD”!?

Security: (shoots Other Researcher in the head)

All:

Interviewer: THE FUCK WAS THAT!?

Security: YOU JUST GAVE ME THE NOD! AGAIN! THE SAME FUCKING NOD!

Interviewer: jesus goddamn christ put your fucking firearm away

Security:

Security: okay, but it’s not my fault you keep giving me the murder-nod

Interviewer: I’M SORRY WHAT WAS THAT?

Security: Ah! Sorry, sorry, nothing, [DATA EXPUNGED]. My apologies.

Interviewer: That’s what I goddamn thought.

Dr. [REDACTED]: uhh

Interviewer: Ah. Yes. So.

Dr. [REDACTED]: ... so?

Interviewer:

Dr. [REDACTED]:

Interviewer: I am so sorry, this is really embarrassing. I have COMPLETELY lost my train of thought. Where were we?

Security: Oh! You were just asking Dr. [REDACTED] here if he could tell you a little bit about what he does at the Foundation.

Interviewer: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP MURDERING STAFF-MEMBERS, ASSHOLE. I’M NOT FUCKING TALKING TO YOU.

Security:

Security: don’t have to be a dick about it

Interviewer: I’M SORRY, AGAIN, WHAT WAS THAT? YOU’RE TOTES PSYCHED ABOUT GETTING YOUR CHAPPED ASS BUSTED DOWN TO D-CLASS PERSONNEL?

Security: No, [DATA EXPUNGED]. No, I am not totes psyched about that.

Interviewer: Yeah. Keep it up, just see what happens.

Dr. [REDACTED]: um

Interviewer: Oh! Shit, yeah. So, Dr. [REDACTED], could you begin by telling me a little bit about what you do here at the Foundation?

Dr. [REDACTED]: Ah, yes! Well, I’m an [EXPUNGED], an unlicensed [ALSO EXPUNGED] and [REDACTED] practitioner, as well as an [EXPUNGED], a [SUPER-EXPUNGED], two [JESUS FUCK, SO EXPUNGED], a psychopharmacologist with a background in [DOULE EXPUNGED], anomalous and/or cognitohazardous pornography and [EXTRA HYPER-TIGER-DRAGON EDITION EXPUNGED]. Crikey, my name is ’Stralian Dan! Dingos, boomerangs, koalas, wallabies! FOSTERS! VEGEMITE! PAUL HOGAN! YAHOO SERIOUS FILM FESTIVAL! (said with German accent) {O5–1 APPROVED thumbs up}

Interviewer:

Interviewer: ... and we hired you WHY?

Dr. [Redacted]: Well, for a lot—

(knock at the door)

Interviewer: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE. HELLO? WHAT THE SHIT DO YOU WANT?

(door cracks open just a smidge)

Interdepartmental Liaison: (pokes head in) Hey, everybody! Just popping in real quicksies to ask if everyone has their raffle tickets for th—

Security: (shoots Interdepartmental Liaison in the head)

Interviewer:

Interviewer: are you goddam kidding m—

Security: UH ARE YOU GODDAMN KIDDING *ME*!? If you don’t want me to shoot people in the head, STOP GIVING ME THE ‘SHOOT THIS GUY IN THE HEAD’ NOD.

Interviewer: for the love of hot greasy fuck THERE IS NO ‘SHOOT THIS GUY IN THE HEAD’ NOD and if there was I WOULDN’T BE FUCKING GIVING TO YOU.

Security: okay well that’s not what I was told

Interviewer: GIVE ME YOUR FIREARM YOU MURDER-HAPPY NUTBAG FUCKSTICK

Security: pfft

Interviewer: (literally audible scowling)

Security: okay well fine but I just want to be clear, for the record or whatever, that I feel like I barely murder ANYBODY around here

Interviewer: THE GUN, ASS-MUNCH.

Security: (hands over firearm, rolling eyes)

(knock at the door)

(some Guy From Accounting pops head in door)

Guy From Accounting: Hey, so real quick? We’re supposed to have this room—

Security: (shoots Guy From Accounting in the head)

Interviewer: HOW IN THE HOLY HOPPING JESUS FUCK

Security: Backup gun.

Interviewer: “BACKUP GUN”?

Security: Yeah, I’ve got like two dozen guns on me. Why? Did you think I handed you my only gun?

Interviewer: YES.

Security: okay, well that seems like YOUR goof-up

Interviewer: PUT ALL OF YOUR GUNS ON THE FLOOR

Security:

Dr. [REDACTED]:

Security: okay well this is gonna take a while

Dr. [REDACTED]: (slowly raises hand)

Interviewer: WHAT

Dr. [REDACTED]: um, I’d like to talk a little about what i do here at the Foundation? if that’s okay?

Interviewer: Oh sweet Jesus H. Tit-Cream. Yeah, sure, fuck it. Tell me all about it.

Dr. [REDACTED]: Well, I was recently assigned to a task force working on the SCP-3003 problem—

Security: Oooh, that sounds INTERESTING!

Interviewer: Oh, hey, cool! Are you done putting all of your guns on the floor?

Security:

Security: yep

Interviewer: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND KEEP PUTTING YOUR GUNS ON THE FLOOR

Security: What about stun-guns? Do those count?

Interviewer: WHY WOULD THEY NOT COUNT?

Security: Uh, ‘cuz they’re not really “firearms” per se? And you ONLY said firearms.

Interviewer: I DID NO SUCH FUCKING THING

Security: Well, okay, whatever.

Interviewer: i swear to fuck I will ██████ your ass to SPC-█ and ████ as of █/██/██ to ██████ for the foreseeable ██ in a ██████ to █ ████.

Dr. [REDACTED]: (visibly aroused)

Security: woah okay, wow? uhh, if you REALLY want, I can “divest myself” of all my stun guns, dart guns, shotguns, laser—

Interviewer: wait did you say SHOTGUNS?

Security: Yeah, of course.

Interviewer: Are you under the impression that, when I say “put all your guns on the floor,” I might NOT mean to put down however many FUCKING SHOTGUNS you happen to be carrying at the moment?

All:

Security: Well, you might not. Which is why I asked.

Interviewer: (glare)

Security: Oh well EXCUUUSE ME for seeking some goddamn clarity! Shotguns have a TOTALLY different certification process here on base, so I wasn’t sure if they were included in your new weird, dumb little “no guns” rule.

Interviewer:

Security: TOTALLY. DIFFERENT. CERTIFICATION. PROCESS. See, like, pretty much anyone on Foundation staff is allowed to carry a shotgun. Even D-class, which is totes cray-cray for shay-shay.

Interviewer: That CANNOT be correct.

Dr. [REDACTED]: Nope, that’s accurate. The rule goes all the way back to ██████ on █/██/██.

Interviewer: (closes eyes, massages forehead) oh well that fucking explains it

Dr. [REDACTED]: It does indeed!

Security: Honestly? I’m just shocked that more of the researchers don’t have a shotgun tucked under their arm at all times. Like, there are some parts of the building you’re not “supposed to go into” with a shotgun or whatever, but you can totally carry one to the bathroom or into the commissary or out to your car if you want to.

Dr. [REDACTED]: That is correct. There IS the 20-minute rule, though.

Security: Right! Like, after direct exposure to a cognitohazard you have to put your shotgun down for 20 minutes.

Interviewer:

Dr. [REDACTED]: “For 20 minutes”. WINK LOL.

Security: But, and this is VERY important, it is quite specifically AGAINST Foundation policy to use a shotgun to terminate a member of personnel. We’re supposed to use a sidearm, and getting certified to carry one of THESE bad boys requires is a full afternoon-long training course. It costs $20 to take it, too. And THEN you have to pass a written test, AND you have to re-certify every 72 months.

Interviewer:

Security: Ha! Can you even IMAGINE how much trouble I would be in if I used a SHOTGUN to terminate a member of personnel? Pfft. Jesus, we’re talking easily forty-five, fifty minutes of paperwork.

All:

All: (laugh)

Interviewer: okay but seriously ALL OF YOUR FIREARMS. ALL OF YOUR GUNS. ANYTHING WITH A TRIGGER AND / OR A FIRING MECHANISM, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO HARPOON GUNS AND CROSSBOWS ON THE FLOOR NOW

Security: Okay, but I’m gonna be honest with you? I’m gonna feel PRETTY disarmed.

Interviewer: THAT IS ENTIRELY THE GODDAMN POINT. NOW DROP EVERY SINGLE GUN, OF EVERY SINGLE TYPE, THAT YOU ARE CARRYING.

Dr. [REDACTED]:

Dr. [REDACTED]: So ANYWAY, as I was SAYING, I’m putting together this whole proposal where we strap SCP-035 to SCP-096, arm him with SCP-3664, run the bitch through SCP-914 on “Very Fine,” broadcast an image of his ass on state-run media to all thirty billion inhabitants of SCP-3003, then ... well, at that point we sit back, relax, and let nature take its course.

Interviewer:

Dr. [REDACTED]: Maybe have a margarita.

Interviewer: wow holy fuck

Dr. [REDACTED]: Assuming that the resulting anomalous entity can kill 100 people per second, every second, indefinitely, we should achieve 100% planetary depopulation of SCP-3003 within 9.5129 calendar years: a result, even accounting for a 200% margin of error, well-within our 30-year estimated time-window for SCP-2317 to bust-loose & dick-whip THIS shitty planet into a smear of dog turds and punched lasagna.

Security: okay that’s badass

Dr. [REDACTED]: THANK YOU. Can you believe that the previous best proposal was aerosolizing 5.5 quadrillion tons of powdered SCP-960 & SCP-963, mass produced via SCP-038, and venting it into the upper atmosphere?

Security: PFFT. LAME.

Dr. [REDACTED]: Yeah. Like, at that point, why not just convert the whole planet to Catholicism and hope SCP-2852 just casually wanders in?

Security: (jerking-off motions)

Interviewer: Actually, that’s just a smoke-screen. The REAL plan is to ██ under a ███ ████ with SCP-█████ ████ a pigs-in-a-blanket █████ █ utilizing SCPs-1981, 1004, 2030, and 1459 to █████ fucking ███ Marshall Tucker band █ ███ ██ ██ Keter bukkake █ and █ ██████.

Security: (vomits all over the floor)

Dr. [REDACTED]: (attempts, unsuccessfully, to hide erection)

Interviewer: The only real problem is just getting the idiots on SCP-2222 to point their dicks in the right direction. But, I mean, look. It’s a really nice planet. With, like, NO FUCKING KETERS ON IT. It’s the ultimate dorm-room fantasy!

Dr. [REDACTED]: I believe it was the Buddha who said “I dream of a world that has never known war, nor hunger, nor deception, neither need nor fear nor want nor heartbreak, because god DAMN we would totally kick that world’s ASS.”

Interviewer: It’s a planet of 30 billion idiot bug-lickers, and it’s sad that they all have to die--

Dr. [REDACTED]: Is it? 

Interviewer: The Ethics Committee requires that I say “yes”.

All: (nod)

Interviewer: (reading prepared statement) Ah-hem. But, sad as it might be, that’s only 30 billion people, and who gives a shit, ‘cuz fuck it we’ve killed more people than that since last Tuesda— OH SHIT FUCK.

All:

Interviewer: (folding paper & putting it away) Yeah, no, fuck, I shouldn’t have read that to you. Fuck me Buttery Jesus. Okay, so ... goddamn it. Everybody just be sure to take a fuck-ton of Class A amnestics when we’re done here.

Dr. [REDACTED]: oh yeah you got it boss thumbs up

Interviewer: (narrows eyes)

Janitor: (pushes open door, pulling a mop bucket and whistling the theme from ‘Casino Royale‘ by Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass)

Security: WOOP WOOP NINJA STARS MOTHER FUCKER YEET (throws a fistful of ninja stars into the Janitor’s face, neck, and torso)

Janitor:

Security: Those were poisoned.

Janitor: (extends middle finger, very slowly collapses to the ground dead)

Interviewer:

Security: okay before you say ANYTHING, those are standard Foundation-issue poisoned ninja stars that ANYONE INCLUDING D-CLASS PERSONNEL is allowed to carry AT ANY TIME and they most DEFINITELY do NOT have a trigger OR a firing mechanism so just handle your shit

Interviewer: (lunges at security officer) FFFUUUU—

Dr. [REDACTED]: Anyway, long story short? I’m gonna need a few thousand D-class. I wanna see if that whole “100 corpses per second” thing is feasible. Which I think it will be. Ugh ... hello?

Interviewer: (still punching security officer)

[kilyra]

As Bad as it Looks

Frank Castle (Punisher) One-Shot for a challenge

A/N: I joined @trashmenofmarvel​​ ‘s Trashman 2K Challenge with the prompt:  “Why are you so stubborn? Do you not have a sense of self-preservation at all?” So, this is my offering to the heap! Apologies now for all the undoubted typos - I’m blind to them right now but wanted to get this posted haha 

You and Frank always had a complicated relationship, and you shouldn’t be surprised when he just shows up. And yet...

Warning: Blood, injuries, the mother of all swear words, angst. And I apologize, but there is a “Yes ma’am” in there. I try to keep things neutral, but I have a hard time with Frank because he does like throwing around ma’am and atta girl. I hope it doesn’t pull anyone out too much (and hopefully it helps to know that’s coming)

NOTE: If you want to be on a Frank (or everything) tag list, let me know :)

No matter how many times you came home with your groceries, you never seemed to get the hang of resting the bag on your jutted hip as you unlocked the door. Every time, it was a struggle to shuffle into your apartment and reach the counter to dump them before everything spilled out. In the dark, of course, because you couldn't spare a hand to flick the switch.

Right on cue, as the door flew open, everything seemed to shift in your arms and you rushed towards the counter. You were engulfed in darkness as the door pulled shut behind you, but you knew the way.

Only that time, you slipped.

Sliding forward on the slick tile, your knee and hip crashed painfully into the lower cupboard doors as they smashed loudly in response. You didn't even have time to question why the floor was wet before your back foot slipped and you had to lurch forward, slamming your groceries on the counter as you grabbed the edge of the sink for support.

“You okay?” A low, gravelly voice broke through the shadows.

You couldn't hear your gasp over the rushing in your ears as your heart tried to pound straight out of your chest. Feeling along the counter, you stumbled away from the voice and slapped on the light.

Blood. The floor was covered...except for the streaks you made slipping through it.

In the middle, propped against your cupboards in a tattered shirt wuith old bruises littering his face, sat Frank Castle.

Only that fact felt like a speck being swept around in a sandstorm, and it just couldn't fully register in your mind. Tensing, your mouth dropped open as you sucked in air.

But before you could scream, he held his hands up, palms facing you. “Shh, shhh, shhh, it's okay, Y/n. It's me. Hey, hey.....it's just me, okay?”

Frozen with your mouth still open, the air seemed to whoosh from your lungs, leaving you breathless.

Frank leaned towards you before suddenly stopping as pain shot across his face. Letting out a low grunt, he settled back against the cupboard. When he continued, it was little more than a mumble. “It's...just me...”

“Frank.” You breathed out his name so unsteadily that it verged on a question.

Resting his head back with a dull thud, his eyes drooped closed as a fleeting smirk touched the corner of his mouth. “Hey. Been a while.”

All of your shock was slapped away in an indignant rush. “I...W-what? It's...been a while? Are you fucking serious?”

Letting out a low chuckle, his eyebrows lifted as his head lolled slightly.

Shoving the groceries further back on the counter, you took a careful step out of the blood. "And of course, it's not like you can show up at my door like a normal fucking person. Nooo, you have to just appear in my place, dying on the kitchen floor."

"Wow, dying, huh?" His scoff was listless.

"Look at all this blood! I want my key back, I mean...what the hell, Frank..." Muttering under your breath, you were already shedding your jacket, tossing it on the floor by the entrance. Roughly pushing your sleeves up past your elbow, you took a better look at the floor, finding relatively clean spots to move closer.

He completely ignored the demand for your key.

The smell of copper greeted you as you crouched low. It was undercut with something else, a heavy, sickening scent that you couldn't quite identify. Ignoring it, you balanced on your feet, keeping your knees off the floor as you peeled back the shreds of fabric. Thick smears of blood coated most of his torso, and it was impossible to see where it was coming from. "Holy shit..."

Clumsily, his hand clapped over yours, his fingers curling over and holding you in place before you could flinch back.

"Hey...relax, alright? It's not as bad as it looks." He cracked his eyes open and immediately captured your gaze. Slowly, his eyebrows drew together with concern as he refused to let you look away.

Your mouth ran dry as his stare cut through everything and found the core of you. There was a twinge of frustration that followed the flutter in your chest. Sighing, there was less heat to your words. "Well, that's good because it looks bad. I...I don't even know where to start."

“I already got the worst of it,” he said, nodding to the stove behind you.

Twisting, you followed his gesture and saw a bloodied table knife on the floor. Trailing your eyes up, you noticed the glowing red burner that was still on high. Your stomach rolled as you made the connection. And that smell...

"Jesus, Frank." Pulling away, you got to your feet and turned off the stove. Holding the oven handle, you willed yourself not to give in to the wave of nausea that passed over you.  

“Hey, hey...stay with me, okay? I'm fine. I just need to get cleaned up and rest a bit and I'll be out of your hair, yeah?”

“Ha!” The sharp laugh burst out as you looked over the mess in your kitchen. The mess that was Frank.

“I'm fine.” Grunting, he pulled his feet closer as he attempted to get up. Pushing his back against the cupboard, he lifted his hips only to have his foot slide away. Bracing himself on his hand, he reached his free arm, grabbing at the top of the counter to pull himself up but couldn't find a firm grip.

Darting forward, you grabbed near his elbow to offer support. Letting go of the counter, he pushed your hand away, refusing your help. 

“Seriously?”

“I got this.” His rough voice was strained as he tried again, pulling himself up while keeping his other arm tucked against his chest. As he raised himself higher than before, his other foot slipped just enough to throw him off balance. Wincing as his back slammed into the cupboard, he sat down with a groan.

Leaning over, you were met with a dismissive wave of his hand.

“Seriously? Why are you so stubborn? Do you not have a sense of self-preservation at all​? Because, let me tell you, a concussion isn't going to help things right now.” Grabbing his elbow, you moved closer as you snipped at him.

From that bit of movement, his breaths had already grown heavy. You took advantage of his silence.

“So let me lay out what's going to happen now. You're going to let me help you up and I'm going to look for any more obvious bleeding. Then, if you pass that test, you're going to get in the shower and clean off enough that I can figure out what else needs to be patched up. And if you don't like it, you can crawl yourself back out the door. Got it?”

Letting out a weak chuckle, his tongue darted out over his lips. “Yes ma'am.”

Even with your help, tucking your shoulder under his arm and taking as much weight as you could, it was still a struggle to get him off the floor. But once he was on his feet, he seemed to move easier, even if it was with a heavy shuffle through the apartment.

Lowering him onto the side of the tub, you only gave him a second to catch his breath before you started pulling his shirt up. Instinctively, he raised his arms but froze, favouring the bloodied side. Frowning, you freed one arm and pulled the shirt remains over his head before sliding it down the arm he pinned along his torso.

Sweeping your gaze over his broad chest, you looked for any other obvious wounds. Letting the shirt drop to the floor, you carefully pressed your hands to his injured side, a move that was met with a low hiss.

"Is it just from the wound you...uh...fixed...or do you have some broken ribs too?" It was impossible to see any bruising, even if it had been there. Leaning over, you looked at his back while he stayed hunched forward.  

Before he replied, his free arm slid around your waist and he relaxed his forehead against your shoulder. Tilting your head, rested your cheek against his hair. It was soft on your skin.

Skimming your fingers down his back, you saw an exit wound and while it wasn't bleeding, it wasn't cauterized.

As if reading your mind, he preemptively answered your next question. “It went straight through, not much damage. One asshole got me pretty good with a knife...that one...that one I had to deal with already. Ribs might be bruised...cracked even...but nothing's broke.” He mumbled against your shoulder, making no move to back away.

So it really wasn't as bad as it looked.

Sighing, you let yourself relax against him, melting slightly in his arm as he adjusted his grip, pulling you closer. Bringing your hand back up, you lazily traced your fingers through his short hair.

“You could have been killed.”

Feeling his grin against your skin, he finally straightened. Pulling back, you scanned his features, looking for a hint of what was so funny. The exhaustion was clear, even as he lifted the corner of his lip in a weary smile.

“I'm not the one that gets killed, remember?”

A faint smile ghosted your lips, trying to reflect his attempt at levity. "You're the one that does the killing."

“You're goddam right I am,” he said without a hint of shame. And, as much as you hated what he did, it brought an odd measure of comfort.

Brushing his fingers over your cheek, he let them settle at the back of your neck as he pulled you closer. Tilting his head, he touched his forehead to yours as his eyes fluttered shut. Letting your own eyes close, your tense shoulders softened as his warm breath fanned across your collarbone.

Even if the worst of it was already handled, there was still a lot to do. And yet, you couldn't bring yourself to pull away.

"I guess you can keep the key for now," you said quietly, your eyes still closed.

Huffing through his nose, his laugh was cut short as he tensed against the pain it brought.

It was going to be a long night.

Taglist:  @foreverfaeries  @flower-two  @getlostinyourparadise   @selfishkiddo  @angelicshinigami  @parkersbabey  @natsukitakama  @kchavez666  @kaelyn-lobrutto24 @cattpaws @mysteryoflovve  @castleadixon  @harrysthiccthighss​

[starrypawz]

oc voice/behavior profile!

@impossible-rat-babies tagged me so im gonna tag (no pressure) @mihqorio @curiousstrawberry @karanan @daraasum @semper-draca @riajade01 @punkranger​ @jaffa-keksi​

Ronan Brown

# of spoken languages: 1 / 2/ 3+

tone of voice: high / average / deep

accent yes / no (varies depending on what they’re doing tbh)

demeanor: confident /shy / approachable / hostile / other / depends on situation

posture: slumped / straight / stiff / relaxed.

habits: head tilting / swaying / fidgeting / stuttering / gesturing / arm crossing / strokes chin / er, um, or other interjections / plays with hair or clothing / hands at hips / inconsistent eye contact / maintains eye contact / frequent pausing / stands close / stands at distance.

— complexity

vocabulary: ⬛ ⬛ ⬛  ⬛ ⬜

emotion ⬛ ⬛ ⬛  ⬜ ⬜

sentence structure: ⬛ ⬛ ⬛ ⬜ ⬜

—  profanity

frequency:    ⬛ ⬛ ⬛  ⬜ ⬜

creativity (in regards to profanity):  ⬛ ⬛  ⬜ ⬜ ⬜ 

—bold all that apply.

arse. ass. asshole. bastard. bitch. bloody. bugger. bollocks. chicken shit. cock. crap.cunt.dick. frick.fuck. horseshit. motherfucker. piss. prick. screw. shit. shitass. son of a bitch. twat. wanker. pussy.

—given proper religious context.

christ on a bike. christ on a cracker. damn. goddamn. godsdamn. fucking hell. hell. holy shit. jesus. jesus christ. jesus h christ. jesus h. roosevelt christ. jesus fucking christ. lord have mercy. jesus, mary and joseph. sweet jesus.

— this or that.

contractions or enunciation? straightforward or cryptic? jargon or toned? complexity or simplicity?finding the right wordor using the first word that comes to mind? masculinity, neutrality, or femininity? formalities or abrasiveness? praise or equivocation? frankness or lies? excessive or minimal hand gestures? name-calling or magnanimity? friendly or blunt nicknames?

— important questions.

do people have a hard time understanding your character? almost always / frequently / sometimes / rarely / never.

does your characters point come across easily when they speak? almost always / frequently / sometimes / rarely / never.

would your character initiate conversations: almost always / frequently /sometimes/ rarely / never.

would your character be the one to end conversations? almost always / frequently / sometimes / rarely / never.

would your character use “whom” in a sentence? yes / no / only ironically.

your character wants to make a counterpoint. what would do they use? but / though / although/ however / perhaps / mayhaps

how does your character end conversations? walk away / ask if that’s everything / say that’s everything / give a proper goodbye/ tell their company they’re done here / remain quiet / they don’t.

how does your character address others? titles / first names / surnames/ full names / nicknames.

what social class would others assume your character belongs to, hearing them speak?upper / middle / lower / depends.

in what ways does the way your character speak stand out to others? accent / vocabulary / tone / level / politeness / brusqueness / it doesn’t.

[alloutofgoddesses]

Prodigal Son, s01Episode 19

- Fucking finally

- Oh yay Eve flashbacks

- Ew gross nasty

- Fuck Eve man

- I love Ainsley

- Yeah Ainsley

- Malcom!

- Is she dead?

- CALLED IT

- Oh lord above

- It better be hug Malcolm time soon

- Exactly

- May heaven help us

- Also fuck Endicott

- He’s probably the one who did it

- Did he force Eve to make that call

- Oh look family reunion

- It said it first Martin get fucked

- Who’s Eddie and where’s Mr. David

- Sorry Jessica

- Damn that fucking look

- I goddam love this family (minus Martin obviously)

- You would know

- No you’re not! No! You’re! Not!

- Oh stone cold

- Hell yeah Edrisa

- What’s this about

- I love Malcolm Bright with my whole heart

- Woman assassin!

- This commotion!

- Dude what the fuck

- Seriously Jesus

- Oh thank god for a second there I had thought Malcolm had officially snapped

- Go Dani!

- Oh shit

- Damn

- Get fucked!

- I’m 100% sure he planted bugs around here

- You know who would be good for you Jess

- Gil

- I hate do this but do you think Malcolm could bring Barry in bc he’s definitely smart enough and probably unhinged enough to actually accomplish it instead of being murdered (once again I’m sorry but we’re on quarantine brain)

- We Stan the Nightingale

- Also she’s pretty

- Noooooo I miss Mr. David

- If he dies I’ll be so sad

- Whitly is special unfortunately

- I hate Endicott

- I think Ainsley should punch you in the face

- Just take the lamp off the table...

- Hell yeah

- Ainsley’s gonna make the long game

- “I don’t need gloves” Oof

- Holy shit! Holy shit!!

- I’m now 200% certain there are bugs in the Whitly house

- It’s not you Jessica

- Like ME perhaps - Gil

- The window is wide open! Go through it!

- WHAT DID YOU DO TO MR. DAVID EDDIE

- Why is he like this

- JESUS CHRIST MARTIN

- I LOVE OUR TEAM

- I fucking hate you Martin

- Awwww babies

- Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss

- Better than that Gil

- NO! WINDOW OPEN!

- Jessica

- GIL

- HELL YES

- WHOOOO WHOOOOOOOOO HELL YES WHOOOOOOOO

- Oh baby

- Malcom don’t

- Please don’t

- Malcolm

- No I don’t vibe with that

- I will. Destroy him.

- Malcolm...

- What’s going on

- Malcolm what the fuck did you do

- God fucking dammit this what everyone expected

[oh-shit-a-baby]

Black Friday thoughts

(All the spoilers beware!!!)

with lala n ari (hi I’m @drawinglinesinarbitraryplaces if yall dont know me)

These were our thoughts the first time watching my digital ticket through. It will be long. There will be spoilers.

ITS JOEY

ITS KURT MEGA

I can’t remember how to spell her name but she looks like an excited child and i just Acting (it’s Jaime yall dw)

i was on board until fifty quid was an only

Robert forgot the choreo and lala just went OH MY GOD WHAT A DARLING so

DAN AND DONNA?????

E M M A A N D P A U L

I wanted a salad, but, now I have a child

Emma my darling I’m so sorry about ur sister

DUMBLEDORE????!?!?

BY GRACE DO U MEAN GRACE CHASTITY?!?!?!?!?!?

LADIDADAH DAY OH MY GOD

Paul ur such a mess ily

Emma shows up had an hour late with Starbucks

i dont really like getting hit by cars any more

i dont get flashbacks i remember bad things vividly

Both of the above are moods but who hurt them

PLAID

@drawinglinesinarbitraryplaces saw plaid and immediately said ‘is he a lesbian? Wait no’

What do you mean I have to look after a child

ITS THE OKAYS

Tim’s a mood

and even if I did, HOW WOULD IT FIT INTO THE SEDAN?!

Paul’s buddy bill

Well I will be GODDAMMED if he doesn’t have a merry FUCKING Christmas!!!!

We stopped for like ten minutes to watch @dialovesyellow being an idiot but we love her so it’s fabulous

At the same time though were not going to be able to do this in one sitting bc we spent like 30mins chatting to dia and heeter

Dumbldore grew a beard?? No??

No comment

He’s a chaotic mess but we love him

(Heather started playing the mii song on the piano while he was singing which was fUn)

FLASH! BANG! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!??

But dumbledores voice is still stunning

How does he hit high notes whilst still not opening his mouth like at all

Jeez Corey that’s dark

Corey everything ur character says to lex is m e a n

MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEEEEY!! JUST FOR MEEE!!!!!!

why does anyone want this

no it isn’t cute

get away from it stop it

Lala: ROBEEEEEEEERRRRT

I want his jacket

WEAR ANOTHER GLOVE ETHAN

Fuck Ethan lost lexs sister

@drawinglinesinarbitraryplaces : Everyone’s wearing plaid they must be lesbians

Now we gotta talk to the imaginary spider from outer space

Not crazy but creative

A certified mess

Don’t u fuckin laugh

SEVEN FUCKING THOUSAND DOLLARS

CALIFUCKINGFORNIA

MY MOMS A BITCH

The new lil girl can’t dance but we love her

Califomia sounds like speed run from tto conspiracy theory

Nuff said

That’s not how cameras work babe

Legend

Jesus Robert and the girl who plays lex can s i n g

LINDA

Linda bribing people is a mood

Becky Barnes. Nuff said.

Linda’s buying four what the fuck

IN SO MANY WORDS YESS!

I HOPE YOU DONT GET A WIGGLY! I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE!!

Well my children were accidents!

Becky is stunning but Linda’s also a bitch

Becky we love you

Becky my darling I’m so sorry

YEAH GERALD

Becky wants to fuck dumbledore

Jesus they’re both a mess

THE HOMELESS DUDE???!!??

OMG IT IS THE HOMELESS DUDE!!!!!!

They all just,,, got out of the line to dance around Becky and dumbledore

Oh my god it’s a train wreck!

(My favourite)

What do you say?!?!?!

Oh my god they’re a mess

Opening the doors!!!

DID YOU KNOW IF YOU SPEND MONEY, YOUR KIDS WILL LOVE YOU MAYBE??

Gotta love some capitalism

The cast is huge what is this witchcraft

COREY FINALLY GOT HIS OWN SONG ITS BEEN SO LONG

but his dancing there ?? stop it

GIVE US YOUR FUCKING MONEY! GIVE US YOUR FUCKING CASH!

Jaime up in here buying all of the fucking dolls

Linda u melodramatic bicth

ARE YOU HEARING THIS GARY!?!?!?

Linda’s like,,, ‘well shit guess I can’t buy four’

Gary really????

Shut the fuck up!

Fuck you! (Dramatically)

Kurt fucking up and stole a wiggly that’s a yike

Jesus this song is a bop

They spent approximately all of their budget on wiggly dolls and none on choreo

THATS where that comes from ooohhhhh

Joey only ever plays a douche with voice cracks especially in this show

Santa Claus is going to high school

Yikes what did he do to get banned from the mall

hes being a good father figure though

I get the feel he’s being slightly manipulative tho idk if that’s intentional

This is so sad lex play despacito

Yikes who’s beating Ethan up

GET IN THE KIDDIE TUNNEL

BECKY NO

TOM YES

Holy shit is Ethan dead

Jesus I’m going to cry Ethan no

NO!!!!! YOU CANT DO THAT!!!!!!!!

(Said in a Jeff voice) GET ME THAT FUCKIN DOLL IM JN A HURRY

I have pepper spray and I can use it more than you can ever imagine

(Said in a joey voice) I don’t know if u wanna wanna wanna wanna wanna wanna fuck with meeee

And YOU are the most special person in it. I KNOW THAT!

Joey either plays characters with all the voice cracks or dramatic low voices

Did joeys Randi character kill Linda

YES I FUCKING SEE HIM

The Black Friday from hell

Shopper mania and a fuck ton of it

Yeah bob,,, are you serious

Jamie’s in love with the wiggly immediately

Kurts character gets it

Jaime can do background acting much good

President kurt is a yike

ITS GENERAL MACNAMARA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

FUCK YEAH WE CALL IT PEIP

Just me and a few of my peeps

ok so this is a Thing

As in crisis and mcnamara

The crowd went fucking wild when macnamara showed up and so did I

Jeffs falsetto song is a whole bop

BOP

And these eldritch forces are rising

Jeff just yeets the wiggly ookay

President kurt is having a meltdown

Is this spies are forever

INTERMISSION

bop

jeff doesnt look like a child

What does this have to do with anything

I mean the high school song is a bop but

Christopher cringle

Mr humbugger

Jingle! Jangle!

If anyone sees two elves in my locker I’ll get expelled for sure!

What the fuck

height difference in elves

Also what the fuck

Is Robert Santa now

OMG I’m calling it this is the film they were talking about

good choreo !!

Robert Lauren and the new guy who I thought was Corey for like the first 20 mins are all good dancers

This song is still a bop

What the fuck am I watching (Tom not me)

Omg I was right

Santa turns into a teenager so he can reconnect with the youth?????

okay What is this and can i punch it

their expressions whilst watching the shitty film is a mood

Beckys the only sane character

Becky and Tom are such white names

Plot twist Tom killed his wife

(lala that’s mean I’ll fight you)

WHITE NAMES AND QUARTERBACK AND CHEER CAPTAIN IM

why can i see tears in her eyes from this far away this is so sad alexa play haus of holbein

Holy fuck did she kill Stanley

Well yikes

You say you killed your family, I hope I killed mine

Well that’s that we got exactly halfway through imma post this now

[wetookanoath]

Supernatural Season 6 | The Hidden Secrets Of Area 51.

CALLED IT! I knew it was going to be a Area 51 episode, lmao. We start with an alien ep, let’s go.

Looking  fucking FINE. Look at Shane’s growing hair, I’m so damn happy. Shane with long hair is MY DREAM, I’m so happy for this season. It’s gonna be my season.

By the way, Matt, our local conspiracy theoriest, it’s at the raid right now with Aria, Fernando and Brenden.

“This is gonna be a stupid episode” LMAO. I love them.

WHY IS SHANE TOUCHING HIS NIPPLES? Ryan’s rapsberry, tho. “No, no, no, stop. Don’t go down there. That’s better.” <-- Out of context? Amazing.

WHY IS RYAN TOUCHING HIS NIPPLES LIKE THAT? OH MY GOD. That nipple game is strong in this episode.

Okay, as we hear about the thingy, do you guys think Area 51 really does has alien tech and other stuff from another world?

“The best strike is the one you don’t see coming”, love that good shit. Ryan giving good quotes for the edits since episode one.

God, I’m too distracted with how goddammed handsome these men are. Holy shit, I can’t stop looking at Shane, holy fuck. I’m gonna... die a little.

Ryan thinking aliens are gonna show up is me going the extra mile for everything in life and then being hella disappoined when nothing ever happens. 

“But then if they do, who cares?” “I CARE BECAUSE I LIVE HERE!” “But then everyone is dead and that’s kind of cool” “YOU SOUND LIKE A MOVIE VILLAIN RIGHT NOW”

I love Shane ‘death wish’ Madej so much. He is such a relatable bitch, I’m so glad we have him in our lives.

WHY IS RYAN TOUCHING HIS NIPPLE?

“Did you just did that so you could touch your left nipple again?” “No...” “This is my least favorite bit we’ve ever made in the show...” OH MY GOD, SHANE.

Shane saying he doesn’t want to live without his social media following, jfbvnfindifhirgnir. GIVE HIM LOVE IN SOCMED.

Why is Shane talking like that about the aliens? I’m....... WHY IS HE TALKING ABOUT ALIEN SEX? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

Distracting from one thing with another thing? The X Files.

God, that take of Shane smiling to Ryan’s bit against Bob is the cutest thing. Watch me edit that screencap in 2345678987654 ways.

Did... he just lick Ryan’s paper.... What is going on here?

“Just pay attention... Just pay. attention.” JESUS.

Bigfoot is working at the reception desk, jfbniensdienfur. “What do you think it is?” “Nothing”, DJBFENDFIDNFJR.

I fucking love them. This was a weird episode. I love it.