actuallyasexual

[actuallyasexual]

ayyyyyy, shoutout to bunnings stocking a colour called “ace of spades” for giving me this idea

[actuallyasexual]

Aroace people: My relationship(s) with people can be deeply intimate and as important as sexual and/or romantic relationships, and as such we call these queerplatonic bonds because they queer what we as a society think legitimizes a relationship as intimate. It is not less than a sexual and/or romantic bond and it can be the most significant relationship between people who may consider each other life partners as one might consider a spouse. So, it's important to realize that-

Show creators: We didn't think of these deeply bonded same gender characters as queer. They're *just* platonic!

Shippers: They aren't platonic! They're queer! It's obviously more than *just* friends!

Aroace people: ... Ah, so no one wants to listen to us. That tracks. 🙃

[actuallyasexual]

⬇️ Note from Anon:

“Disclaimer: A tumblr poll can only have 12 options, I know that there are many other labels that are not on this list! Feel free to select ‘something else’ and explain in the tags/replies or to submit another poll with more options.”

-submit your poll!-

[actuallyasexual]

It's fascinating to me how people will go on and on about how aromantic asexual people aren't actually queer, but then they'll take an aromantic asexual character, either canon or heavily coded, and they'll recognize that there's something queer about them but they'll express that by putting that character in a queer relationship that is either sexual or romantic or both.

It's almost like not experiencing sexual or romantic attraction is a queer experience and they know that subconsciously, but they can't reconcile that with their inability to recognize aromantic and asexual people as queer so they project qualities that they're willing to accept as queer onto these characters which is usually in the form of queer relationships that end up erasing that character's asexuality and aromanticism.

[actuallyasexual]

It’s become clear to me that people don’t know how to talk about asexual and/or aromantic characters outside of sex and romance. Even if an asexual or aromantic character canonically participated in those things, most people are not able to talk about them as asexual and/or aromantic characters outside of those things. They don’t understand what that means. They don’t really want to understand what that means. They are still interpreting asexuality and aromanticism through a lens that isn’t asexual or aromantic. How many times do we need to have the debate on whether or not asexuals and aromantics can do the same things in a relationship that people who aren’t asexual or aromantic can do, when that isn’t the point at all. Why are people more interested in what makes us similar than what makes us different. ‘They can still do this. They can still do that. You can still enjoy this relationship they have.’ Still. Like it’s a consolation. Why are people ‘still’ so uncomfortable with focusing on the part of us that isn’t reliant on approximating norms. It’s tired. It’s lazy.

[actuallyasexual]

I hate that Barbie review post going around - not because there aren’t fair criticisms of the movie, but because any fair criticism in that post is diminished by a blatant aphobic viewpoint:

What is utopian about a world without sex?

Sex doesn’t have to exist in a fictional world, especially one that depends on the imagination of young children.

Without sex, what is the material difference between Barbie and Ken being boyfriend girlfriend of just being friends? What is the nature of the desires Ken has that Barbie can’t match?

Sex is not a requirement for a romantic relationship. You can also “just be friends” and have sex with someone. We assign meaning to our own relationships. That is beside the point that when young children are playing with dolls, they are developing their own idea of what the terms “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” mean. That doesn’t often include sex.

Ken’s entire drive throughout the movie is based on the fact that the Ken doll is seen as an accessory to Barbie. He doesn’t have his own identity, and that becomes problematic as he bases his purpose around being with Barbie. He begins to believe that Barbie owes him for his dedication, which is something real men do all the time to real women. Instead of finding themselves on their own and unpacking why they measure themselves based on the attentions of women, they get mad at women for not reciprocating and they create a culture to punish women. Ken’s “desire” is Barbie’s attention, but Barbie has her own life and interests that do not include him. It’s not that she can’t “match” his desires. It’s that she doesn’t want to.

It does not have to be explicitly about sex, but even if it was about sex, again, it’s not about being unable to “match” that desire. It’s about not wanting to, and people who don’t want to have sex for whatever reason are punished for it by a society that tells us sex is necessary and owed in a meaningful relationship.

Why do the dolls have no genitalia in the real world, given that they are otherwise turned into flesh? Why did you make a point of specifying this?

You are obsessed with a doll’s genitals, which feels like a TERF dog whistle. They’re still dolls in the real world. Barbie chooses to become “human” in the end. That’s why there’s a joke at the end about her going to the gynecologist. Still, their lack of genitals is not only a joke but a reminder that Barbie and Ken are dolls who are enjoyed by children in a fantasy land that doesn’t revolve around sex.

This isn’t the only part of the post that grinds my gears, but the whole thing reads as specifically hostile to people with different lived experiences regarding sex and gender. I absolutely hate it.

[actuallyasexual]

You know what? I want a whole post for this:

Sex Repulsion is not the same thing as, or an excuse for, Sex Negativity

non-negotiable!

I am a sex-repulsed asexual. This means that I am uncomfortable and repulsed by the idea of engaging in sexual acts. This does not mean that I have an excuse to be repulsed by other people's sexual attraction or the right to police how other people engage in or express sexual acts or attraction.

Young queer people need to learn the difference between sex repulsion and sex negativity, and actively work to unlearn sex-negative attitudes. Asexuality, even sex-repulsed asexuality, is and should be fully compatible with sex positivity.

If you are uncomfortable with the idea of other people feeling sexual attraction or engaging in sexual acts that do not involve you in any way, that is not sex repulsion it is the cultural Christianity and you need to seriously work on that.

[actuallyasexual]

A former adult film star recently came out as asexual, and all I’ve seen is aces nodding and being like “makes sense” and non-aces being confused out of their mind.

So…people still don’t know what asexuality is I guess.

And the number of ace-spec people involved in creating erotica novels at this point is an inside joke.

My best idea for these people is “have you ever eaten when you’re not hungry?” And also “can you cook with the intention of serving the meal to someone else?”

Just because you don’t actively want, need, or feel connected to something doesn’t mean that you can’t and don’t engage with it. In fact, it may put you in the perfect position to be analytical of it without being personally tethered to it and can take a step back to actually look and try to understand it.

[actuallyasexual]

It’s that time again!! Survey time!!!!

You can take the survey at:

https://forms.gle/vK75LSVd9AdRLcAF6 or tinyurl.com/AceSurvey22

[actuallyasexual]

Some Asexuality 101

Wayyyy too many people think that acespec folks and their relationship to sex can be summed up by the grey bar at the bottom of this chart: 

Low sex drive

No sexual attraction 

Repulsed by sex

But that’s not true.

A person’s relationship to sex can look like any of these variations (and far far FAR many others) while STILL being acespec. It’s the asexual SPECTRUM.

That’s not to say the first chart in this thread is an invalid way to be asexual or acespec!

That’s MY OWN asexual experience! (I am the most stereotypical ace in existence)

But it is to say that you can’t sum us up in a single way of being. There are so many different ways that we exist.

Hell, even this chart I made is woefully inadequate. There’ll be people - other acespec people! - who may disagree on the words I used in the chart.

And I’ll bet many of them are gonna be way more qualified than me to talk about some of this!

And this chart doesn’t cover the WHO you’re attracted too sexually (gay, bi, etc.) just IF you’re attracted. Maybe you’re demi and gay! or grey and bi!  And that’s just ONE column of the chart!

And that one attraction column has NO BEARING on the drive or desire columns at all. You can be allo gay, bi, etc. and still be indifferent or repulsed.

AND this chart doesn’t even BEGIN to touch on other forms of attraction: romantic, tactile/sensual, aesthetic, platonic, emotional, etc.

Someone can be asexual or in the demi or grey portion of the spectrum, and that has NO BEARING on any other type of attraction.

And also the chart doesn’t even begin to address the ACTIONS of a person (dating or no, sex or no, kink or no). I mean, if you’re gay or straight or bit and you’re not having sex or are currently single, that doesn’t make you any less gay/straight/bi. Why the fuck don’t you assume that same continuity of self for asexual people? Your actions are different than your attraction.

So look! Look at how much variation there are in acespec folks by barely scratching the surface of what that means!

And honestly, I think that thinking through these various breakdowns of attractions, desires, and whatnot is good practice for everyone. Not just acespec folks. Go ahead, think through what you feel about these things!* Here’s a blank chart.

*This is simply an invitation to explore your feelings and not a means of diagnosis or a declaration of expertise on my end

This is also NOT an invitation to share your exploration with me, a sex-repulsed acquaintance/stranger on the internet.

To look at the widespread variety of acespec experiences, visit sites like AVEN and AZE Journal and check out the various articles on asexuality from Wear Your Voice Magazine!

[actuallyasexual]

This survey is about gray-asexuality and grayromanticism. Anyone is invited to take it, regardless of identity. The purpose of this survey is to investigate perspectives on these identities and how they are understood.

Click here to take the survey. It will remain open until September 15th.

Questions about the survey can be asked in the comments on wordpress (no account required) or via this contact form.

[actuallyasexual]

Bodily autonomy is and always has been relevant to asexual people, not just because it affects others but because it affects us. Sure, it is important to care about human rights even when they do not affect us. However, let's not erase the fact that this does very much affect asexual people, sometimes in ways that are very specific to our experience.

[actuallyasexual]

[ID: A screenshot from twitter user acegirleatscake that reads "'Why do asexuals care about abortion? They don't have sex!'

I don't know maybe it's because our reproductive rights and our rights to bodily autonomy are on the line, you aphobic idiot? Because sex without sexual attraction exists and it doesn't mean 'now consents to pregnancy'" /End ID]

+ Chronically ill people are being denied medication because it could harm a fetus. Asexual people are included in that number.

+ People who need "birth control" specifically are being denied prescriptions. Asexual people are included in that number.

+ People who are sexually assaulted are being denied abortion care. Asexual people are included in that number.

+ People who need hysterectomies are pushed to avoid it because they may "want to give birth some day." Asexual people are included in that number.

[actuallyasexual]

I want to be clear that I made this post not because I need reassurance and advice, but rather because I think it's important to have this discussion. It's not that it's not appreciated, but I think we spend a lot of times trying to find solutions to our "problems" but it puts the onus on us to make our lives better. I am asking these questions, because I think that this experience shouldn't be normal and people who are not asexual and/or aromantic should take on the responsibility to change their way of thinking in order to treat us better...

I have a question...

Does any asexual and/or aromantic person have difficulty talking to professionals about physical or mental health problems they are having "because" they are asexual and/or aromantic? Even if you're not quite sure about the "because"?

For example, I struggle to talk about my body. There is a sort of "dysphoria" or repulsion I feel whenever a doctor asks me about certain parts of my body and I avoid medical care as a result. I don't want to be misunderstood or mistreated.

There are certain things that professionals say to me that I just don't understand because they are said with the assumption that all adults like myself are sexually active and/or want to be and/or want to be attractive and/or in a relationship.

If a mental health expert asks about my relationships with other people, I don't know what to say. If a doctor comments about my scars and the possible concerns I might have about other people seeing them, I don't know what to say. Et cetera.

In general I struggle to understand my body within the context of a sexual/romantic world because my body doesn't experience those things, and I don't think most people understand or care to understand how that makes a difference.

[actuallyasexual]

I have a question...

Does any asexual and/or aromantic person have difficulty talking to professionals about physical or mental health problems they are having "because" they are asexual and/or aromantic? Even if you're not quite sure about the "because"?

For example, I struggle to talk about my body. There is a sort of "dysphoria" or repulsion I feel whenever a doctor asks me about certain parts of my body and I avoid medical care as a result. I don't want to be misunderstood or mistreated.

There are certain things that professionals say to me that I just don't understand because they are said with the assumption that all adults like myself are sexually active and/or want to be and/or want to be attractive and/or in a relationship.

If a mental health expert asks about my relationships with other people, I don't know what to say. If a doctor comments about my scars and the possible concerns I might have about other people seeing them, I don't know what to say. Et cetera.

In general I struggle to understand my body within the context of a sexual/romantic world because my body doesn't experience those things, and I don't think most people understand or care to understand how that makes a difference.

[actuallyasexual]

Anyone who thinks asexuality is a 2010s Tumblr invention needs to immediately read this Wikipedia page and every single page it links to, and learn that:

Magnus Hirschfeld, the gay Jewish-German physician who advocated for gay and trans rights in the 1910s-30s and had his research burned by the Nazis after his death, recognized the existence of "people without any sexual desire" in 1896.

Emma Trosse, who published one of the first favorable scientific works on homosexuality, defined "asensuality" to be what we now know as asexuality in 1897, and applied it to herself.

In 1907 a man named Carl Schlegel was found guilty for publicly advocating for legal equality for "homosexuals, heterosexuals, bisexuals and asexuals."

Asexuals have always been a part of the queer community, since its earliest beginnings and throughout our entire fight for rights.

Happy Pride.

[actuallyasexual]

Another Update:

New York State has passed Bianca's Law which will criminalize publicly posting images or video meant to abuse and degrade victims of (violent) crime.

6/02/2022

Update re: The Murder of Bianca Devins.

It has been a while, everyone. However, there is some news involving this case. Brandon Clark has pleaded guilty to murdering Bianca Devins. He is sentenced 25 years to life in prison. There will be no trial, so that means no one in court will have to witness the video evidence he left behind. The details of the case are very gruesome, so please read articles about it with discretion. 

Video and images of the murder may still circulate online. Please continue to report the content if you discover it. It would really help her family. You can still donate to the scholarship fund set up in her name as a way to remember her.