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something a little different

August 28th.

I’ve been waiting for this day for so long.

I started wearing a bra when I was 8 years old.

I got my first period when I was 9 years old. 

I was made to believe that I was nothing more than my boobs when I was 10 years old. 

The boys in my class were commenting one day about how if they could pick any girl to be stranded with on a desert island, it would be me. My mom said I should take this as a compliment. What I didn’t tell her is that the reasoning was because of my boobs. Not because they liked me as a human.

I shrugged it off back then. But it was always in the back of my head. Then they just got bigger. By the end of high school, I was told that I was a 34DDD. In college, I went to Victoria’s Secret and was told the same thing, but my bras weren’t fitting. So I went to Soma, where the sales associate told me that Victoria’s Secret employees will tell you that you’re their highest size so you’ll buy their bras. But I was actually a 34G. What the fuck? I didn’t even know that size existed. Last year, I went back to that store for a strapless bra, and they didn’t carry it in my size, so I had to go to a specialty store. I was now a 36GG. I paid $70 for that bra. 

Throughout all this time, my back has been in constant pain. My neck always feels like it needs to crack and it never does. I can’t exercise properly. I’ve gained so much weight. And I’ve tried so hard to be a body positive person and embrace my curves and my tits and my thighs - but it’s so hard. I have a mother who hated her body her whole life because of her mother, and she passed it down to me. 

My mom offered to get this surgery for me when I was in high school. I always thought that if I just lost weight, that it would be better. I would lose weight in my chest and all would be swell. It hasn’t gotten better. So a couple of months ago, I went in for a consultation. I’m getting a breast reduction surgery on August 28th and I couldn’t be more excited. I know this won’t be an end all be all fix to my body image issues. But I know the back and neck pain will go away. I’ll be able to fit into my clothes. I’ll be able to buy cuter bras that don’t cost so much money. 

Now here’s my call to action! I’ve never had surgery before and I’m pretty terrified. I feel like I’ve read every single blog there is looking for advice and tips, and I’m still nervous that I’m missing something. If you’ve made it this far in this weird, personal blog post, thank you! If you have any tips, that would be greatly appreciated. My mom (who has gotten much better about her own body issues and has recognized her fault in mine) is coming to take care of me, and I don’t know if she even knows what to do or how to deal with me post-surgery. 

Thank you so much! I’ll keep documenting my experience throughout this in hopes that someone else who is about to go through the same thing can get the advice they need. Hopefully. 

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favourite thing about hozier’s songs are that at first listen they’re beautiful prose but  then u listen to it again and u go “wait this is HORNY” 

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Newsies (1992) dir. Kenny Ortega

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I’ll have a Pina Colada, not virgin. Wanna see my ID? Totally have it! Jennifer Garner as Jenna Rink in 13 Going on 30 (2004)

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My heart

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(x)

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John Mulaney as musicals: a thread

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I don’t want to be rich, I just want to be comfy.

Want to have one really nice set of plates and silverware for company and Thanksgiving.

Want to be able to buy a new outfit and a good bra at least a couple times a year.

Want to be able to give “just because” gifts.

Want to burn incense and candles in my home daily, and have nice soaps.

Want to be able to donate to charity frequently and without worry.

Want to buy hardcover books to read and put on a shelf for my kids to read someday.

Want to have candies in bowls for people who visit.

Want to be able to take my young siblings and cousins to a movie and let them get the big popcorn they won’t finish, because there’s magic in just having it.

Want to have a linen closet or at least a linen shelf.

Want to go see live local theater several times a year.

Want to have a bottle of wine or champagne in the house for when I suddenly need to celebrate.

Want to have a kitchen with basic baking supplies so I can bake bread on the weekend, and pies for special occasions.

I just want to be comfy.

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Joyce Fienberg, 75

Richard Gottfried, 65

Rose Mallinger, 97

Jerry Rabinowitz, 66

Cecil Rosenthal, 59

David Rosenthal, 54

Bernice Simon, 84

Sylvan Simon, 86

Daniel Stein, 71

Melvin Wax, 88

Irving Younger, 69

May their memories be a blessing.

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D’Arcy Carden Photography by S. Thompson for GQ || September 2017

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Happy Halloween! 🎃

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me,wandering the moors of ireland,jabbing a stick into various bogs: hozier if you’re in there i need you to come out and make new music please