ajourneythroughenm

[ajourneythroughenm]

It’s a hard thing to desire someone, to really lust after them, and know that you’re free to pursue that, but also tied down to the partner you have. The spontaneity of being single is not ENM.

[ajourneythroughenm]

Back from the dead. It’s been mostly a peaceful few months, a lot of healthy stuff that has lead to me and my partner being happy in a way we haven’t for a long time.

But right now I’m in a cab, heading home, ready for an overnight tomorrow night with a new (hopefully) girlfriend, and I’ve had a huge skew of emotion. Just a vast dump of potential that probably doesn’t mean anything but here it is, it’s late, and I can’t get a taxi home. Arguing with fucking Uber when I just want to be drinking water and going to bed.

I had an overnight with a friend recently, and it was hugely positive. Tonight that friend is off drinking with a mutual friend - also hot - and I could have gone with them. Possible play unless I’ve wildly misread things. But the school run is a thing and I just want(ed) to get home ASAP. So right now I’m between furious and pent up and just wanting some sleep so I can enjoy Friday night. It’s all a bit much for one head to hold.

[ajourneythroughenm]

From unexpected places

I've been spending less time online across recent weeks, something I always do when my mental health isn't great. (I 100000% endorse everyone doing this btw, the internet is a toxic place and it will chew you up unless you're resilient.) Alongside that Louisa and I have got back to a good level. We've been finding the path forward together.

She's been really worried about me, I know. She has seen how hard I took my first night away, but also how much I've been trying to find people, genuinely engaging with opening up. To the extent that she put her ongoing thing on hold - I didn't ask, actually told her to keep going with it, but she did it anyway. And she didn't tell me, didn't make a fuss of it. That she is willing to give up her own excitement to give me the time to find someone is really something. As much as some days I feel further from her than ever, moments like this make it feel like slightly further doesn't mean going away. It's about the space it opens up for both of us.

Quick update is that I have spent a _lot_ of time on the apps, liking, sending messages/intros and generally trying to find new people to talk to. And I have heard absolutely nothing back. Not a single word of response. Which is pretty depressing, really. Louisa has been talking to other ENM friends and has heard the same - the women are flooded with guys and spend an eternity filtering out the creeps and fuckboys, but the men just don't get any replies at all. I understand why that is, but I don't really know how to resolve the issue. Clearly it isn't by sending engaged messages demonstrating my engagement with a woman's profile, maybe chucking in jokes I hope they'll like, and being transparent about my situation.

For any women using the apps reading this, any tips would be amazing. Because right now it feels like all the women say they want a genuine, honest, mature guy, but then ignore all the messages from the same people.........!

I'm heading to a local social tomorrow night as well. On my own, Louisa will be looking after The Child. I'm looking forward to that - networking I can do. The plan is to go with no agenda as well, just hoping to make new connections, men/women, friends/dates, whatever. Demi Boy is trying his hardest not to build up too much anticipation.

Long post, so I'll stop now, but another one coming soon. A round up of the social, and also another bit of news. Good news. Possibly game-changing.

[ajourneythroughenm]

Ghosting hurts

Not much more to say than that, really.

It maybe wasn’t intended to be so harsh - I got an email notification for a message, but had been blocked/unmatched by the time I tried to read it - but that came after bailing on me when I was halfway to our meetup.

Last night was the thing I was balancing my wife being out tonight with. After last weekend in particular.

It’s the age of dissociative behaviour, the anonymity of the Internet making people do things they never would in person. I understand that. But as a human being trying very hard to be respectful and honest with people, it’s just a kick in the nuts. It’s a terrible set of feelings to give someone.

This week has been shit. Big time.

[ajourneythroughenm]

An update: love and comms

I still don’t feel great. Anxiety has been flaring in unexpected ways. Some people came to collect furniture we were giving away, while I was out, and my brain went to horror stories of my wife being attacked. Totally irrational, of course it was all fine, but I had an hour of freaking out until she told me it was all done.

I’ve been talking to my wife a lot. Let’s call her Louisa, she’ll need a name just to make this whole thing readable. We talked about my weekend, all my shame. And after tonight - a totally normal night out with friends - I need to tell her how I felt. It felt like years ago when I was in a bad place with trauma and unexpressed emotion.

So tomorrow I’ll tell Louisa what happened tonight. It’s not a new reaction, but we both thought it was ancient history.

I definitely can’t go back to how I felt a decade ago, when my anxiety was at its worst, and it worries me that it’s back.

A constant remains - together, Louisa and I have survived everything. But it’s all associative, all non-linear, all inter-connected. What I hate is a blip today taking me back to a bad place I thought I’d left behind a decade ago.

[ajourneythroughenm]

Demi shame

I did the first overnight at the weekend. On paper it all went off without a hitch. I saw her for dinner, we had a great evening, then we went back to the hotel. We had sex all night. It was, on one level, easy and intimate. Something about the pre-negotiation made me able to just relax and be the most in the moment I’ve ever been with a new partner. I’m an anxious type, only ever got with someone new when drunk, drunk enough to forget how I managed it. We slept - terribly in my case - and had sex again the next morning. Then back home to the family, where it was service as normal.

It sounds like a success.

But I’m a demi. I’ve known that for years, told my new partner from the outset, told my wife - because long term I think I’ll be poly of this works, in love with a long-term partner as well as my wife. And demi means that no matter how much affection I have for someone, how much I can respect their intelligence, will and charisma, if I don’t feel it there’s not much I can do. And I went home on Sunday morning to the growing certainty that I didn’t feel it with her. That I don’t want to spend the night with her again. That has left me feeling shallow, and ashamed that I’ve used her. I’m pretty sure she’d be the first to tell me I didn’t use her, but fucking hell it feels like that.

I’ve let it settle for a few days now, because my anxiety has taught me to let my feelings emerge before acting. But I still feel like this. Worse, I now worry I’m denying my feelings with the other woman I’ve been dating. That there may be nothing there beyond affection. Which means it’s quite likely I’ll soon be left without any partner or prospects while my wife is setting up second overnights and meeting new people.

So, two big problems right now. First is breaking up with my new partner. That’s straight up shit, but at least I know how to do it. Tell her the truth, be available to talk, and answer any questions she has.

Second is finding someone I do have a spark with. That scares me more, because there aren’t that many people out there, in this lifestyle. And what I’m looking for is rare, a very specific combination of personality and looks. When I fall, I fall hard, but I can’t control who or when. I wish I wasn’t like this, but I can’t change that.

So here I am, wrangling shame and loneliness and fear. I’ve got tickets for a local ENM social event in February, I’ll be messaging new people, starting again. My wife tells me she wants me to find someone, is cheering me on. But she’s resilient, less prone to emotional extremes than I am.

And right now I’m at a low ebb, unable to put the genie back in the bottle.

[ajourneythroughenm]

50/50

I saw my best friend tonight and we talked. From out of nowhere i said I give me and my wife 50/50 on our relationship lasting. And that it depends on her, if opening up reignites her desire for me. I think that’s probably true, which doesn’t shock me but does worry me a bit. She’s been talking about how this will help us redefine our relationship - something that definitely needed to happen. There’s not doubt it will do that, but sometimes I wonder if it will mean she drifts away from me.

Ultimately, I think this is something that would happen independently of our opening up. That 50/50 applies if we remained monogamous, probably worse odds if anything. If we don’t last I would rather we separate as friends who have always tried to give each other the best out of life. I also really want to stay married to her if possible - but only if we’re both happy.

We’re still one night of fucking in a hotel room away from parity as well. I doubt my catching up will change anything between us, but maybe I’ll feel different.

Only one way to find out.

[ajourneythroughenm]

The Big Night

This is it. My wife is, right now, out with another guy. Probably in a bar having some pre-drinks before they head back to a hotel room to fuck.

This week, the whole buildup, has been a hot mess of emotion. I've been pulled in lots of different directions by my head, my heart, my gut, my dick. It's all coming out.

It's also been a very busy week at work. The kids have thrown all their toys out of the pram, and I've had a new team member to train. That's helped, weirdly. Navigating all the petty politics, teaching people decades older than me how to adult, watching a person more than a decade younger than me absolutely smash it.

Then today. I've been chatting with my new connections on messages. One I'm seeing tomorrow, we're both excited. The other offered to let me vent, heard my concerns, reminded me why it can all be ok, if we choose trust, love and compersion.

Then today. I've done movie night with my daughter, we've played Lego games, we've dicked around and made eachother giggle.

Then today. I've had a beer. I've ordered a pizza. I'm going to spend the night playing computer games and letting myself just enjoy that shit, without feeling guilty about not being productive.

Then today. My wife will fuck another guy.

But tomorrow. Tomorrow she'll come back to me.

Tomorrow she'll hug our daughter and spend the afternoon with me.

Tomorrow she will - as I did for her tonight - tell me I look great, that she loves me and that she hopes I have a great night.

Maximum risk, right now. This is the threshold. But it feels ok. It feels like something, maybe, we can do again. I still feel like I trust her, and I love her, and that I never want that to change. I hope that she's feeling good about herself right now, like someone worthy of desire - because she absolutely fucking is. I hope it's hot. I hope she doesn't breathe a word of it to me. I hope the same thing happens to me tomorrow night. I hope we regain something we lost when we became a couple, but without losing what we have built together.

I hope what we have built together will grow, become stronger, last forever, because we're doing this.

Letting each other go, so we're free to come back.

[ajourneythroughenm]

In response to the "trad wife" who slipped into the polyamory tags:

Consider me a "trad wife". I'm a stay at home mom, married for a long time. I take care of the kiddo, the housework, most of the cooking. I bake bread and pies for the holidays, we have cutesy matching outfits for family photos. To an outsider we're a picturesque "normal" family.

My husband and I love each other, we're each other's best friends, partners. We're "satisfied" as you put it but more than that, were extremely happy together. We've built a life together, raise a kiddo, have a lovely home.

We're also non-monogamous and practice polyamory. Not because "I'm not enough," or because "he's not enough". It's not because we're unhappy, or bored, or have a desire to "cheat".

To put it simply, we love love, and we love people. We love intimate relationships. With each other, with friends, with people who are more than friends. We simply chose not to put restrictions when it comes to how other relationships evolve.

I hope you're happy in your monogamous marriage. That's great. Wonderful. Everyone deserves happy, healthy, wonderful relationships.

But to accuse our relationship dynamics of being "toxic" or "unveiled cheating" is pure ignorance on your part. To say it's women's way of having "back up" options, is degrading.

Cheating would imply dishonesty or unfairness. The reality is we're honest, communicate about everything, prevent unfairness and navigate all the same things most relationships do.

My marriage is enough, and we're secure enough in our relationship to not be afraid of how other relationships may evolve. Whether it's simply a friendship, a sexual exploration, or a deeply intimate connection. I love that my husband is a wonderful, loving, funny human being and that others can experience those wonderful parts of him. I'm a loving, creative, sexual, playful, caring person, and I love that I can share those parts of myself with others - freely, without judgment, without fear of losing my husband because of it.

My relationships can grow and evolve freely. The only difference in my monogamous relationships was that I had to deny any deep feelings I may have had for another person - I couldn't express my love for my best friend of 15 years. My monogamous (now ex) husband at the time got angry when I verbally expressed my feelings to him about her. He became jealous, suspicious, and angry any time I talked to my friend. I never cheated on him, and I never have or would cheat on anyone.

I've since realized I want the freedom to tell friends and people I'm close to that I love them, that I think they're beautiful. I want to be able to hug them without being accused of betraying someone's trust. I want to be able to kiss them if it authentically feels right in the moment - to express my love in any way that feels authentic. And I want my (now) husband to have that freedom too, without fear of me resenting him for it.

Monogamy maybe right and wonderful for you. Non-Monogamy and Polyamory are right for me.

You know what they say about assumptions?

[ajourneythroughenm]

Hitting the Christmas season, family arriving tomorrow. So today it’s been checking in with my dates (bit early to say secondaries, but hopefully soon). That’s a good feeling, taking a moment to share the season with new people. With a bit of luck we’ll do the same next year.

[ajourneythroughenm]

DADT

This week I learned I need Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT). I’d been ambivalent before, enjoying knowing at least basic details about who my wife is talking to.

But those bad days were caused by finding things out about my wife’s date. And the thing that got to me was that he works in my industry, that he’s successful, that he does a job I’d love to have. It’s petty, and a bit irrational, but fuck me that hurt.

So we talked it out. We do that a lot, and it always helps. We talked about me hating knowing what I know. We talked about what might happen on our second dates. And we talked a lot about jealousy.

Come the end of it, I’d lost sight of the personal, really sharp feelings of pain. There’s still messy stuff in there but it’s balanced against jealous moments she’s had from my dates. Against both our individual needs and desires that led us to this place to start with. There’s so much anticipation. A lot of my jealousy is still based on hypotheticals. And it hasn’t stopped me getting excited about my own dates.

So now I’m DADT. Now I’m choosing not to feed a dynamic that only accesses the negative of an ENM lifestyle. Those feelings are valid, but can’t be taken in isolation.

[ajourneythroughenm]

To start, there will be change

I'm a man, married, a dad. In 2023 my wife first asked for my thoughts on opening our relationship. In summer 2024, after spending a lot of time working on our relationship first, we created profiles on dating apps.

In January, we're planning the first dates where we have sex with other people. She's going first.

I don't know what this will end up being, but I need a place too put some of my thoughts. I've been told by everyone in an ENM/open/poly lifestyle that having friends who share that world is important. I maybe need more friends in that world.

I'm writing this on a bad day. There haven't been very many bad days, but this is one of them.