alcinastxr - Tumblr blog

alcinastxr · 2 years ago

Text

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ february blues | suguru x gn!reader

you reflect on suguru and where everything went wrong on his first birthday after his death.

tags: suguru x gn!reader (no pronounces used), satoru makes an appearance, heavy angst, hurt/very little comfort, references to depression, just a lot of pain in general i'm sorry lol

word count: 2.3k

notes: suguru's death is definitely not something i enjoy writing or reading about but this idea has been keeping me awake for the past couple of days. i also wanted to include shoko but i seriously need to do a deeper character study on her before i attempt to write her lol

ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻ੈ✩‧₊˚˚ੈ✩‧

the quiet beep of the phone lets you know what day it is.

calendar notification: suguru’s bday ♡

you look at the screen and slowly turn your phone upside down, sighing heavily. today marks suguru's first birthday since his death, and you have no more strength to mourn. in the end, you think, he’s been dead to you for far longer than that (liar liar liar).

closing your eyes, you try to concentrate on the happier memories to chase your demons away. you try to remember his smile, the way his eyes melt into crescent moons and how he bobs his head to the side. you try to remember the way he held your hand for the very first time, unsure and questioning, so different from the usual demeanor you came to expect from him; the way he interlaced his fingers with yours and slowly brought your hands to his lips kissing every knuckle, every nail, every vein. opening your eyes again, you look at your hand basked in moonlight. touching your knuckles one by one, you bring them to your own lips, a poor imitation of your lover’s (ex-lovers, you have to remind yourself, and you think your gaping chest will never stop bleeding).

thinking back again, you realize you never deleted his birthday notification from your phone. when suguru deflected, you kept it as a reminder that he is still alive and getting older. maybe he was not by your side but he was alive. you would send him a birthday message once a year, never knowing if he received it. you expected as more years passed by, the hurt would burn out, either taking you with it or burning everything to the ground so you can build yourself up again. but whoever says time heals is a fucking liar. because as more years passed by, you were sinking deeper into your own world unable to move forward with all the hurt you were still holding inside. and the birthday notification you kept as a pathetic reminder of someone who didn’t hold a space in their heart for you is now a reminder that certain someone doesn’t have a heart to hold anymore.

you’re startled by the sound of your phone. There is only one person who would be calling you at this time, on this day, and coincidentally, it’s the last person you want to talk to right now. the lit-up name on your screen confirms the suspicion.

incoming call from: “toru ₍⸍⸌̣ʷ̣̫⸍̣⸌₎”

ever since that wretched day in december, you’ve been ignoring satoru to the best of your abilities. you know you’re being unfair to him; you know he’s hurting the same if not more; you know he’s been suffering while trying to reach out to you for some resemblance of understanding, comfort, familiarity, anything really. but the fear of looking into his eyes and only seeing murderer murderer murderer is too overwhelming.

rationally, of course you know satoru is not to be blamed for what happened. rationally you knew that this was long overdue. and if anyone knows about how hard it was for satoru when suguru first deflected, when he first heard about the absolutely carnage suguru wreaked on his village, it’s you. god, of course you know the absolute weight and heaviness and dread that must’ve filled gojo when he had to kill his best friend, all the feelings he probably still carries around. but rationality is nothing but a fool’s lie when your heart has been ripped out from your chest.

so you let his call go to voice mail.

and you know you won’t be sleeping today.

***

you walk down the winding path until you’re face to face with the gates of the cemetery. february breeze chills you to the bones but cold that took place residence in your ribcage left you permanently frostbitten so you don’t pay attention to the way your hands tremble. in your bag, you have a bottle of soju, strawberry flavour (“does that chapstick taste like real strawberries?” “why don’t you kiss me and find out, big guy”). you think about how the two of you never got a chance to even legally drink together before everything was ripped apart. so you bring a bottle of strawberry soju, as a reminder of the strawberry kiss the two of you shared for the first time behind the school. you think suguru would’ve liked it.

the closer you get to his grave, the harder it is to make yourself move forward. you haven’t visited him since his death, suguru’s name on the stone reminding you that this is real, no matter how hard you make yourself forget. phone clock shows two thirty seven in the morning, and you know this will be the only time you allow yourself to fully let go. so you do.

you slowly sit down in front of his grave, take out the alcohol bottle and pour yourself a cup.

“hi suguru. it’s been a while. I’m sorry I didn’t come to visit earlier but…” you take a shaky breath and search for something else in your bag. a letter. you feel stupid for feeling nervous about giving something to a corpse that will never read anything again.

“I was never really good with words, but I wrote you a letter, the last one I will ever write you, I think,” you slowly put the letter on the grave and hide it under a stone. “I, uhm…” you try to come up with words to express the storm brewing inside; the storm that has been raging for so long, you forgot what tranquility feels like; the storm you’ve been hiding within your skin and blood that it's been permanently littered with wounds that never stop bleeding; the storm you’ve been containing for so long, it finally breaks.

you feel the first tear run down your cheeks. it makes your face cold, with the wind chilling the salty waters immediately. then another runs down. and now you cannot stop the floodgate that’s been opened.

“why did you do it, suguru? why did you fucking do it? why did you leave?” you’re trying to supress the tears but hiccup resurfaces instead. soju cup is forgotten on the ground near you. “you have never told me goodbye. you never tried explaining yourself. you never gave me the closure. did I not fucking deserve it? did I not deserve this last kindness from you?” you cannot stop yourself from ugly sobbing, face hidden in your face, lips cracked, dry and bitten to blood.

“I never got to tell you I loved you…”

“he knew.”

you turn around at the sudden voice behind you.

“for a jujutsu sorcerer, you’re really bad at checking your surroundings, didn’t even see me coming.”

“satoru…”

there he stood, the person who you have been blaming for everything that’s happened and forgiving him everything he’s ever done at the same time. you don’t know where you stand with satoru right now, feelings becoming too complicated to be able to rationalize them and too simple to just feel them. both of you have been holding onto someone who left both of you, tugging at the last strings connecting you to him. you should’ve realized the strings had only been left attached on your end.

“hello.”

“hi,” you whisper quietly as he sits down next to you.

nothing is said between the two of you, silence joining as a third companion. the whole world could burn right now, you wouldn’t notice. it was just you, satoru and a suguru’s name on his grave.

“do you hate me now?” satoru asks carefully. you try to look him in the eyes that he decided to leave uncovered but he is set on staring in front of him.

“I could never hate you, satoru. It’s just been hard.” you turn your gaze down and speak so softly as if you’re scared to shatter the moment. “I was so scared to hear your voice and being reminded that you were the last one to hear him speak, the last one to remember how his eyes look, the last one to see him alive..." you pause for a second. "they say that after a while, a person’s voice is the first thing that you forget about someone but suguru’s voice never left me.”

“you know, after you kept ignoring my calls and avoiding me like a plague, I thought that maybe you don't want to see me anymore.” satoru confesses. you direct your gaze back to him now. the melancholy and pain that twists his face almost knocks the air out of your lungs, and the sudden guilt threatens to eat you alive.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper back. there is nothing else you can say that can excuse your behaviour in the last month and some.

“I was so scared you hated me,” you hear satoru’s voice break. “I was so scared that I lost both of you."

“I’m sorry,” you say again and take his hand in yours. he allows you and then slowly nods. “I’m sorry I ignored your pain. I just… I just didn’t know how to look you in your eyes knowing you had to kill him. I know you were hurting but my pain was so heavy, I thought I will finally break if I try to understand anyone else’s." you pause and wonder if you should say what you want to say next.

"i think i resented you for what you did but then i realized i resented myself more because it should've been my pain instead. you already do so much, maybe at least i could've taken this from you,” you confess. satoru stays silent.

“hm… well, if you’re looking to make it up to me, kikufuku from Kikusuian would be perfect first step,” and then he cracks a small smile. you missed that smile so much. and you know that it won't be this easy to fix the gap that's been growing between the two of you but all of a sudden, you think you want to really try. you cannot lose anyone else.

“it’s a deal.”

you sit in front of sugur's grave in silence for some time after that, both you and satoru lost in the thought. He finally stands up and offers you his hand. “common, you sit here any longer and you'll probably get sick. we should probably leave anyways, no one is allowed in the cemetery after hours.”

“yeah, you’re right,” you respond, standing up as well and brushing any dirt from your clothes. as both of you are getting ready to leave, you turn around one last time.

“goodbye, suguru.”

***

“dear suguru,

you always told me I was too sentimental and have hard timing letting go of things… I guess some things really never change.

I got a dog last year, can you imagine? I had to give it away after everything that happened, too scared I was going to fail taking care of her, giving I can hardly take care of myself these days but it was one way to fight the loneliness permanently waved into my blood. remember when we were thinking about getting a dog once we move out for college? that seems like a different life now.

god suguru, I miss you, I miss you so much, I look for your favourite cologne everywhere I go, oxygen is not enough to keep me alive. sometimes, when the world is so quiet that silence almost makes you go deaf, I think I can hear your voice. satoru and shoko joke I should get checked but I see the concern in their eyes. god I wish I had it in me to be able to care for everyone the same way they care about me. does it make me a bad person? I don’t know what makes anyone good or bad anymore. maybe it doesn’t matter.

you said you loved me. and I don’t know what hurts more – the fact that I wasn’t enough or the fact that I was but you left anyways. you were always en

I blame myself, you know. for the person who was supposed to be there for you every step of the way, I surely missed on all the signs. I failed you, and that failure sits on my shoulders like the fucking sky. Now I know how Atlas felt.

I really hoped, you know. I really hoped for that miracle, for the stars to align the same way they did on a warm summer night when we were gazing up the skies and imagining all the ways our future could’ve gone. I really hoped that maybe if the stars dance in the same constellation and you see it, they would remind you of me waiting for you. but hope is really the most dangerous thing.

moving on feels unfair. we were supposed to be here together, the whole world was supposed to be at our feet, you were one-half of strongest duo after all.

why did you leave, sug

they buried you yesterday. I didn’t go. I couldn't make myself face everyone, hear the word of condolences that are nothing but hollow and empty echoes of someone else’s happiness. the whole jujutsu world was waiting for someone to finally kill you, I just wish it didn’t have to be satoru. I wish it was me.

I promised myself that this will be the last letter I will ever write you. the rest of them have been gathering dust at the back of my drawer but I think I’ll bring this one to you. I’m sorry, suguru. I’m sorry that I couldn’t help you, I’m sorry I failed you, I’m sorry you were burdened with the responsibilities no one should be carrying alone. I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry.

I love you.

I love you and I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you.

until we meet again, my love.”

237 notes · View notes