alicedidnteattheapple - Tumblr blog

[alicedidnteattheapple]

Oh the journey has been long...

So,  Here I am,  Again... Talking about how I need to journal,  I need to “track my feelings”  All that fun jazz, cause ya know, mental illness.... And I always find myself running back to tumblr and never sticking to it.

So, Here we go, the most recent run down of my “fun”

Um. Talked to a therapist about being straight...  After only being with woman for the better part of 10 years. That's a shit fest all in itself.

And of course I want the one bad apple that's poisonous to touch.

BECAUSE, Why not add more reasons to think I’m not good enough for someone. Laugh my fucking ass off. Anyways. The puking.... Is just as bad as its ever been. I say that, but even though I puke a lot when I do eat....

I’m not eating. So I’m not puking. And to be completely honest I’m not sure how I’m surviving the gym.

Protein shakes. That has to be it.  Its the only answer.

After a full day of eating, I’m going to bed at 174.4. Hopefully when I wake up and shit after taking 4 fucking laxatives because I hate myself, I will weigh at only like 172. Cat is gone all week. Only Mariaunna and I, which makes it easy to stick to my diet and go to the gym. Cat just fucks me all up being home. LOL. But this week I really didn't do bad. I only took laxatives one day aside from today. But I didn't go to the gym like a should have this week. 

NEXT WEEK. GYM. Seriously Bitch. And fucking blog. Daily. Please?

Horoscope:

Perfection is an impossible myth:

Power in Spirituality, social life, sex and love.

Pressure in work

Trouble with thinking and creativity and self.

Today is not a good day to try and connect with deeper truths through your imagination, sensitivity, and intuition. Don't let rough moments warp your vision.

You are in a safe place to bring new people into your life. You may experience this as your self-confidence supporting your longing for other worlds. Articulate that secret desire for something on the other side of everyday life.

The general theme of your life during this period is to contemplate the vastness of the universe and reconsider what role you want to play in it. This is your life and its ending one second at a time.<3

Damn. That last quote tho….

#idontwannabeyouanymore #mentalillness #bulimic #eatingdisorder #cancerhoroscope #Imjustfightingmybattlesonthefrontline 

[alicedidnteattheapple]

[alicedidnteattheapple]

Liquid fasted today

[alicedidnteattheapple]

And It’s about to be another Monday....

So, Lez-bi-honest....

We all know I havn’t been on tumblr so I obviously gained weight.  Because I stop taking responsibility for my actions, && let myself go wild. Anyways.

Woke up: 186.6lbs. Didn't eat all day.. Until I went grocery shopping because tomorrow is Monday and I have a 3 year old... I ate like 5 mini eclairs, a piece of Hershey pie, a can of Vienna sausages, 2 teaspoons of peanut butter and a handful of pistachios….. I’m so serious. I’m a fucking 600lb person stuck in a body. Anyways,

2 laxatives in my system. I’m for sure going to the gym tomorrow,

AND I STARTED MY FUCKING PERIOD.

So the chocolate cravings will leave as of right now I’m sure.

My period is so fucking late this month. It drives my hormones through the roof and makes me eat everything I could ever potentially feel in a day. I don't even have words. It will be easy to lose these lbs again, as long as i stick to my diet and I have enough healthy snacks that I shouldn't be binge eating and my throat is too sore to puke lately... and I keep trying to puke and fucking it up more cuase I've been eating peanut butter lately. I’m just over it. I need to get my life together so I can stop this bullshit. 

Anyways.

Off to a new day.

[alicedidnteattheapple]

[alicedidnteattheapple]

Thoughts?…Find and save Funny Memes | see more Funny Memes Fun Memes

[alicedidnteattheapple]

Its 2:30am. & I should be sleeping.

But here I am. Racking my fucking brain about how I gained 4lbs in 2 days.

Did you guess?

Yeah.

Because I’m a fatass. I’m a fatass who is: 1. About to start her period. 2. Depressed and fucking eating her emotions. 3. STRAIGHT NOT HAVING A GOOD FUCKING TIME. 4. Currently not feeling like hoovering over a toilet puking my emotions that I stuffed myself full of back out.

Ohhhh. But I tried.

My body knows what I’m doing. And when I start emotionally eating it doesn't let me get it back up. Its like it wants me to experience the consequences of my own actions.

Weight Gain.

AnYwAyZ.

So, Again. I’m not describing my mental illness to encourage it. Just my simple thoughts. 

WORK IN RECOVERY-GET BACK IN THE GYM.

Once I can do this. I stop puking. Because I work way too hard to live without substance.

BUT! Not only am I a fatass. I’m a fucking lazy ass. & Sprinkle depression and anxiety on top of it. I never have time to do the things that my fatass never uses her time to get done. If you are me. You understand that sentence to the core. 

Oh but I try!

My house doesn't get to the “disaster point.” My laundry room never gets to the “point of no return.”

But. I do neglect it for 2 weeks to a month...

Then manic-ly and franticly run through the house cleaning every inch, washing every piece of laundry, and wiping and washing every surface and floor.

All.... In...…. One...... Day...…….

And I don't sleep until its done.

And then ya know....

That's the magic fucking pill. YOU WERE PRODUCTIVE. WOKE UP. WENT TO THE GYM. CLEANED THE ENTIRE FUCKING HOUSE.

WHY DID YOU WAKE UP THE NEXT DAY STILL HATING YOURSELF, SAD AS FUCK AND STILL NO MOTIVATION TO MAKE YOUR SITUATION ANY BETTER?

********************************DEPRESSION******************************************

oH. AND anxiety.

Here we are!  My highest weight is 295lbs. My weight at the beginning of this journey was 260lbs. Currently I’m 184 (Including the 4lbs I've put on in 2 days(9lbs I've put on in a week)

And I feel fatter at 184 than I did at 260. Or even the same. I still see myself the same. I’m still morbidly obese.

So. Tomorrow we cleanse.  I already have 5 laxatives in my system. Tomorrow we won’t eat. Cigarettes and caffine. Tomorrow is going to suck.

I need to figure out what I need to figure out in order to make this better.  I’m so fucking tired of being broken. I’m so fucking tired of being sad. I’m so fucking tired of hating myself.

I’m so fucking sick and tired of being whoever it is that I am.  I don't even want to be anyone else. I just want to know WHO.I.AM. when the scars are healed.

Mental Illness is a Cunt.

[alicedidnteattheapple]

“Was I made from a broken mold?”

I seriously adore this song.

And its artist.

[alicedidnteattheapple]

And here we are again....

Mental illness is a funny thing. Quite tricky as well. Just when you think you’ve made it out of the woods.

You incorporate daily coping mechanisms...  Adjust your life so your routine maintains your mental illness....

Then its like you get hit in the face. Everything you thought you had under control literally explodes. And you’re being destroyed by the debris. Its not like an explosion that happens and is done. Its a rippling effect.... You begin dodging bullets like you’re trying to be the last man standing....

Then it hits you...

What am I dodging the bullets for? Why am I fighting so hard? What is it that I even want in life?

And just like that....

I’m reinventing myself because I no longer recognize my reflection....

I can’t remember if its left or right foot first.

I forget how to read a compass...

And down the rabbit hole we go....

Have you ever met a fat bulimic?

Its pretty disgusting. The desire to be skinny is there... But so is the emotional eating.  So... You stuff your face full.... And puke up enough to not gain weight... But not enough to lose it either....

UNTIL I wake up and don't recognize my reflection... Then I find comfort in the hunger pains.... Then I’m throwing up until the stomach acid burns the back of my fingers.

Timing meals and laxatives.

(I’m typing this as I just binged on bagel bites and French fries,)

And then there you are!!!!

 (I've lost 80lbs thus far by puking. Thank you. It wasn't easy.)

You’ve lost some weight.  People notice.

Then just like that.... You become a sexual icon. Men cant keep their dicks in their pants. And women think they want to marry you.

Men think they can take what they want. Like... If you put yourself in the situation.... Those are the consequences.... But the fucked up thing? There should not be consequences.

Because what did I do wrong?

I wasn't interested?

Anyways... Fastforward... One rape. 5 Guys. 1 dirt alleyway and me....

AND WE THROW AWAY OUR MAKEUP BAG.

Because it was the make up wasn't it?

Lets throw away the straightener too.

I’m sure the straight hair just added to the temptation.

After.... More sexual assults than I care to list... This time was different. Normally I gain weight.

This time?

It wasn't about my body.

This time I didn't want to be sexualized anymore.

This time I wanted to love myself.

Everyone else did. 

And for once I just wanted to love myself too.

So HERE WE ARE! Falling apart. I’ve become a no touch lesbian. Sex is not appealing what so ever. Everyone wants something from me. Romance. Sex. Attention. And what do I want?

I want someone to sit in a room with me and hang out like my best friend.... Without wanting anything... from me....

But. Lets not be dramatic. That's asking a lot.

Because to deny any 3 of those things to your partner is “selfish”

So, 

Lose the partner right? And that's here we are actually at.

Trying to learn who the fuck I am. Because currently.... I can tell you my government name. And if you described who you thought I was... I couldn't even tell you if you’re wrong. Because you might know me better that I now myself at this point. Even if you are a stranger.

I just don't ant to be fat anymore.

And to fucking graduate.

Is that too much to ask?

Well I guess this is  WELCOME. To my shit blog. About my best and only friend. Mental Illness. My undying self hate.... And my blogging journey to learning to love myself. Because I’m tired of hating me.

-M.A.D.//,LockedInWanderland.

[alicedidnteattheapple]

💫 eat plenty of fiber 💫 drink detox tea 💫 burn at least 200 calories a day through exercise 💫

[alicedidnteattheapple]

💫 eat plenty of fiber 💫 drink detox tea 💫 burn at least 200 calories a day through exercise 💫

[alicedidnteattheapple]

A Summer Imagine

Imagine walking through a meadow on a sunny summer’s day in bright colourful clothes and pretty skirts, with your hair clipped up but still framing your face beautifully because your face looks so sculpted and pretty after reaching your ugw- all colours are heavily saturated because of the brightness of the sun and you can feel the gentle heat on your skin. All your hard work paid off. Finally, you’re happy.

[alicedidnteattheapple]

don’t forget ana’s rules

never finish your plate

burn everything consumed

limit all meat and dairy

no dessert / sugary foods

no bread and pasta

no breakfast

no lunch

drink cold water every hour

never eat alone / dinner only with family

never eat more than those around you

order smallest / less calories dense meal when eating out (salad…)

always say no to food offered

no sugar in drinks

no snacking

don’t eat after 7 pm.

no more than 500 calories a day

[alicedidnteattheapple]

me at 4pm with an ice cream, surrounded by supportive friends: you know what? i love myself. even though i look like a 🅱️urnt chicken nugget, i still love myself

me at 11pm during a binge: hey, thanks for checking in :). i’m still a piece of garbage

[alicedidnteattheapple]

*me silently knowing I’ve been on a 7 hour fast and starts to crave food*

another person: “I’ve been fasting all day it’s crazy. I haven’t ate since yesterday at lunch.. plus I lost 5lbs this week.”

me:

[alicedidnteattheapple]

Smoke a cigarette for dinner

You’ll end the day thinner.

~Ana

[alicedidnteattheapple]

🖤