alicesaupairland-blog

[alicesaupairland-blog]

17/02/2019

Dear Dad

I'm really sorry about my lack of enthusiasm. When you walked into my room to ask me if I'd like some chips and onion rings I was fast asleep. Somehow I feel as if I deeply let you down by turning down your offer of chips and onion rings. It felt to me as if that was your attempt to in a way be there for me and I rejected it and I wish I could go back to that moment and not be asleep so I could thank you and show appreciation for your attempt. It feels strange when you and mum do nice things for me. It makes me extremely emotional and for some reason all I feel is pain when you do nice things for me. And I just hate the feeling. The fact that wherever you and mum brought back onion rings and chips for me from wherever you'll went for lunch really touched me. You thought of me and for some reason that I really cannot make sense of, it just hurts. It's a strange feeling and I really don't understand it. When you do nice things for me I feel as if I don't deserve it at all I feel almost scared to accept it and it just frightens me. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt whenever you think of me. I feel as if it is a terrible effort, discomfort, inconvenience, annoyance etc when you do something nice for me. When you give me something I ask for I feel as if I cannot accept it because you had to go through so much just to give me what I want and I just can't live with these feelings. That's why I want to do everything on my own all the time because that way I don't hurt but now I have no choice but to ask for help. I feel like 25 year's of my life have just passed me by. On the inside, around you and in this house and in this town I feel as if I'm 12 year's old. And I feel as if that's all you will ever see me as. Because if I grow up in your eyes and leave then your life purpose is over and you just won't know what to do with yourself. Writing this out just makes me feel tons better. It feels as if this under explosive energy has just left my body and I can breathe and feel tired again. As if the anxiety has evaporated.

[alicesaupairland-blog]

20/12/2018 17:41, sitting in the rain.

It's only been 2 days since I've been back home and my mother is already fucking up everything. She's creating bad feelings in the atmosphere and I had to get out of it so I came here to sit alone in the rain in our neglected garden. It was horrible and such a long confusion I don't even know how to start but let me try.

So my sister and I were sitting on the balcony, adjusting a messy pack of playing cards so that we could entertain ourselves with a game of crazy 8. We had just reset the entire pack and I started to feel hungry so I went into the kitchen to put together the perfect snack for our game. I grabbed some good bread started slicing it, then some pickled pepper dues and then olives, there were only 4 olives left in the jar and while doing all of this I could hear my parents arguing and shouting but they do that all the time either way it did aggravate me. So my mum looks at me and says "I have opened olives!" And then I'm like, "I don't understand you there are only 4 olives left in this jar, this jar is opened" then she screams again "but I have opened olives!!!" And I'm like "are you mad??? I don't understand you!" Then she pulls out the tupaware container with really stale olives and cheese and I just looked at it and asked her "how old is this?" And she said a couple of days and I'm like "no I don't eat like that, it's really unhealthy"

[alicesaupairland-blog]

08/12/2018, on a tram, in a slight state of bliss and confusion

Guess where I'm coming from? Just guess, it's the most obvious place.

I'm coming from the Haarlemmerplein, the usual spot that I’d go to, when making my way back to and from Joey's houseboat.

So I got up this morning with a lot of motivation to do things with my life. I sort of got out of the whole feeling sorry for myself thing and just decided that I'm going to do something real today. I took a shower got dressed fixed my hair put some light but good make up on, took a look in the mirror and thought, you've got this woman! Go be single, go be you, go be independent go be alone but not lonely. Then I started looking for my spectacles, I looked everywhere! I got so frustrated by not finding them because if I couldn't find them in my room, the only other place they could be at would be at Joey's. This thought frightened me. Eventually I gave up looking and decided to call him- what a daunting process. I would've honestly just said fuck it, these spectacles are not worth the pain or confusion of seeing Joey again, but they're so god damn expensive to buy again and I wouldn't have been able to see a single painting without them. We made plans so that I could come over and fetch them after hitting as many museums as I could, which ended up being at 4:15 PM but I only pitched up around 4:40 PM. (late is my middle name).

At this moment in time I was completely convinced that Joey and I were done. I was just going to get my precious spectacles and leave, but before I tell you how it all happened, I have to first you about the museum.

Do you remember me mentioning how motivated I was to do things with my life when I got up in the morning? Well slowly while sitting on a tram I began to feel anxious about being on my own. I started to feel a little insecure, insecure that I was literally alone, what if I had a kidney stone emergency? I really believe that our insecurities of being alone comes from our survival instincts. We desire to have people around us that we are familiar of because of our instinctive need for safety. When we are alone we worry, most of the time we have no idea why. I simply cannot understand the feeling but if you think very logically the only real fear you can have from being alone is the fear of your actual safety. And that's how I felt, even though my loneliness just made me feel stupid, imagine me without it? Not realising that the people around you basically keep you alive? A life lived that way could possibly kill you. In this moment of realisation, within the over crowded tram I started to feel not that stupid for easily feeling alone but of a higher more aware species. As you're reading this I want you to know that I want to see the same realisation in you and also the rest of the world. I believe that this realisation can make people value one another a lot more and if we value one another more then we care more and if everyone just cared more, this planet and all inhabitants would suffer less.

Well after much much deep intuitive thought, I got off of the tram in attempt to find Museumplein (the street in Amsterdam with all the museums on it, obvious I know). I got a little lost but that was okay I know my way around the centre. Everything in Amsterdam is so close its impossible to get lost. I finally made my way to the Van Gogh Museum, wiggled through the touristic queue, straight down the coat room and then into something I could've never ever been prepared for. There were three floors, each displaying a different part of his life. As you walked your way upwards you came closer to his death. The order of every single painting tells you how and why he died and if you pay attention to the detail of the changes in his work all you will see is an ordinary human being. There's a Vincent inside of every one of us, deep down we're all just lunatics. The difference between Vincent and the rest of world was that he was real. While the rest of us cover up our inner lunatic with fake friends, smiles, fancy clothes and pride, real people suffer. People like Vincent. In my opinion and point of view and from what I saw in that museum Vincent was just an imprint of all the suffering from his time, to me it was as if the universe chose Vincent to imprint the reality of life in the 1800s/1900s. The most beautiful imprints in the evolution of the human race is always an outcome of the suffering of the greatest most innocently pure people. All he wanted to do was paint. But he didn't have the money and when he did he needed to survive but he couldn't survive without painting. So he'd use his money to live (food and rent) then he'd be alive in the physical world but dead on the inside. A lot of us have food and shelter but then what? Is life about food and shelter? Is that enough for you, is that what keeps you alive? Have people forgotten that the motive to live does not come from simply existing? We're losing our humanity and maybe Vincent died because of this realisation. And for those of you who say he was just a mad man, I'm afraid, you're far too gone and there's nothing left inside you anymore.

Maybe you probably already know but I left that museum a different person. Just typing this brings uncontrollable tears to my eyes. Maybe it's because I fear that I will end up like Vincent, obviously not as legendary but as sad. Or maybe it was the emotion I got from intense joy. Whatever it was it changed me.

I’m just sitting here waiting for the rest of the words to pour out of me but nothing seems to be happening. 

What happened next? Well I hopped back onto a busy tram full of confidence and a slight sense of inner peace and fulfilment. When I arrived at Joey's house boat I knocked on the door a few times and no one answered then I looked around and before I could throw a tantrum I see him walking out of his Airb&b. He looked awful. His beard was over grown he clothes didn't match and I could just tell, this wasn't the Joey I was used to. I tried to assess my observation in the most logical manner possible and I found myself approaching two scenarios.

1) Maybe I did look after his brain damaged personality like a mother would. Maybe I did care too much and maybe I did too much for him which then made him forget how to care for himself or maybe that was who he really was without someone always taking care of him.

2) Maybe he's feeling the break up as bad as I was?

Well I had made these logical assumptions within seconds of looking at him. I wanted to jump straight into obtaining validation for my assumptions but something inside me paused for a few moments when I looked at his face and then into his eyes. I first saw a sense of Glee, a sense of genuine bliss and then I saw concern. That's when I realised that I had witnessed the validation of number two from my assumptions. He was hurting and he missed me. He didn't need to say a word I saw it all over his face. The problem was that I knew he'd never admit it and I knew he'd never admit it because I've been here before. A man's ego is sometimes all he has and if it means hurting himself so avoid damaging his pride he will do it and I'm not generalising I'm talking from the experience I've had with every man I've encountered in my life, including my own father. I also realised this within seconds of hearing his voice and the way he spoke to me. I already knew, why did I need to ask? BECAUSE I JUST DID!

Through all these very quick interpretations and judgement I kept trying to tell myself don't interfere, he's an ass and you need to move past this, just get those Calvin Klein's and go or else you will never be able to see anything clearly, especially this. I kept trying to tell myself even if he's still in love with you (which was obvious) just forget about it because bringing it up would lead to a man that will never know what he wants. I would not say I'm grateful, but I would say that I'm glad to have been through this before because it helped me see the signs.

I tried to keep a stiff face to protect myself, I kept trying to appear completely uninterested and superior. I put on this get my stuff and go kind of face because I knew that my thoughts were just intuition and assumption and to act upon them would be a dangerous emotional rollercoaster so I played it safe because I wasn't in the mood to loose my whole "independent women" vibe. Strangely all those seconds started to turn into minutes and before you knew it I was in his place looking around for my glasses because he couldn't find it. He kept saying that he put it in my bag with all the make up I also still had at his place. Well there was nothing, I couldn't find it and at this moment in time I started to wonder if this was brain damage or just an excuse to see me again. I eventually gave up looking and then realized that it had been about 20 minutes of being near Joey, that's when I knew I was in trouble. I was still deeply in love, being surrounded by the person who you are deeply in love with just draws you closer to your emotional death and before you knew it I was crying in his arms.

Fuck you Alice.

20/12/2018, 01:16 it's a long story.

I've saved this draft and have been meaning to finish the part where I go to the Van Gogh Museum but life's leaping forward without me and I'm lagging on behind.

(My phone is not charging!)

So a lot has happened in the past few weeks, to start off, I'm back in South Africa. I flew down on Monday night and arrived in South Africa on Tuesday morning but only got home to my little town late at night. I'm absolutely exhausted. Today is a Wednesday night/morning and I'm still completely exhausted and jet lagged. I should sleep but I should also focus on my life because while watching a movie with my sister I figured out that I couldn't remember how to spell the word actress. I cannot tell if it was my lack of attention in primary school, brain damage from smoking tons of marijuana, getting older or a symptom of kidney disease, confusion. Either way I feel out of place, dispositioned and I don't really know how to spell that.

Okay I must sleep, I'll tell you more I promise, but right now I must try to survive!

XXX

Alice

[alicesaupairland-blog]

Throw back to when I first met Joey. When we first met, I was sort of falling for a Belgium physicist who left Amsterdam for the summer. In the mean time I was still going on dates and doing my own thing not realising I was falling crazy in love with a Joey. Eventually I picked Joey and this was the pro and con list that led to my decision. Now I wonder if I should feel any regret...

[alicesaupairland-blog]

07/11/2018, 5:47 AM, randomly awake and slightly losing the inspiration to write.

I have this sort of discomfort in my lower abdomen from eating too much ice cream with Emily. I had dinner with her and we smoked some strawberry banana kush. It was a great night of me reminiscing sweet beautiful things about Joey, thus having to cry every 2 minutes and just genuine girl talk.

I don't know what the fuck is happening but I used to have this dying need to constantly write out my thoughts now I just don't feel much. I'm losing my inspiration and things aren't pouring out of me as beautifully as they used to. Maybe it's all the heartbreak, whatever it is it needs to go! I will not stand for this!

All I can think of is tinder.

I'm really struggling to get over Joey.

I miss him.

And I never knew I'd miss him this much.

When I'm sad I lose the motivation to do things, maybe Joey used to be my inspiration because when I was with him I wrote so beautifully and effortlessly. Now I just don't know what I feel. I've got to do so much of my own laundry. I'm o the verge of picking up a cold from my host mum. I cannot get sick again. My thoughts are so scattered I just don't know how to make them flow again.

I'm feeling pretty bad on the inside, I just wish it would pass without me having to wait this long.

XXX

Alice

[alicesaupairland-blog]

04/12/2018, I feel like furniture

I thought that when I woke up today that the pain would subside but its actually worse. I guess all the drugs have worn off. (By the way I was basically a heroine junkie for the past 5 days with all the morphine injections that were administered into my upper thighs).

I feel as if I just got out of a car accident. Its like whiplash, as if all the muscles in my body have suddenly come out of a war zone and are now deciding to give up and die.

I can hardly walk, and 3 flights of very narrow stairs in Amsterdam is a nightmare. Its all in my lower back and I really don't have anyone to complain or cry to about it. And that's what's made this day truly upsetting. I'm so alone right now without Joey and I didn't think I'd feel it like this but I actually do. It's not that I miss exactly him but I miss the comfort of knowing someone is always there. That is something I need in my life. It just makes everything better and I've come to realise that I can't get this in any other form other than an intimate relationship with a human being of the opposite sex. I don't have supportive, kind caring and loving parents. I have no idea why my parents had me in the first place and how they survived being parents or what they ever did to raise me in a loving way, besides make want to kill myself on account of overpopulating their household. My sister is about an 800 euro plane ticket away from me, we video call often but its really not the same. Emily is down the road but she seriously has an entire life to live. And there's me. Preoccupied with things that are getting me to the land of no where in my life. You know that place, no where? Yeah that's where my life is heading atm.

18:31, just had dinner

These kids combined with trying to recover from three kidney stones is a nightmare. I seem to use the word nightmare really often also. Eating with them. Oh. My. God.

"Ik will dit neit!!!!"

"Ik gaat dat!!!!"

"Ik eet niet dat het walgelijk is!!!!"

"Iedereen plaagt me!!!"

I'll add more to this list when my Dutch improves. But the screaming for godsakes! Why can't these people teach their kids basic table manners? The boy is always taking food off of my plate and swearing at me for getting angry at him for doing this. The one time he had a snotty nose so I caringly grabbed some tissue paper for him to wipe his nose, afterwards he threw the tissue paper at me with all the snot and dirt on it. Talk about life right? The 5 year old is always crying about something and constantly finds the cutlary insufficient enough to eat with and agrees with every stupid thing her brother has to say about my cooking. When all three of them eat the entire dinner table is covered in food, and this is no exaggeration. Food everywhere, sometimes even in my hair, food on the clean dishes, food on the kitchen counters that I just cleaned, food on their clothes food on their faces, tummies, eyes hands, mouth, every single body part that I could possibly mention will contain food, hard and sticky food and this is the normal dinner time routine for my host parents. To top it all off they don't put the kids to bathe or shower. I think the kids only bath or shower once a week when their grandparents are here. How can you let your 5 year old, 8 year old and almost 10 year old grow up like this? If I ever did something like this as a child I would've gotten the beating of my life. In South Africa, polite and respectful table manners is apart of everyone's up bringing. As children we know even before our parents teach us that respecting food is important, because we knew even as children how hard it is to come by in our large country. We knew how hard our families worked to provide us with sustainable nutrition, we'd never dare to throw it around and pick it off of someone's plate. And nobody taught us South African kids this, we looked with our eyes and thought with our minds and they still call us African monekys.

At least recovering from kidney stones got me out of cooking today. Actually I take that back I love cooking. 5 PM, Monday to Thursday is my favourite time of the day, the hour I get to cook whatever I want for really ungrateful bitchy little kids. I'm currently learning French cuisine from Julia Child's incredible French cook book, that I dont want to offend but have forgotten the title of. I miss cooking I wish I could be up and about doing things and I really think that is the reason why I'm getting so depressed.

Back to the dinner time story. I want to tell you how I felt. I sat there in pain, so much back pain, could barely keep my eyes open. I sat amongst my host dad, the three kids and thier grandmother who helped me by cooking today. The kids were going absolutely insane, combine that with the aftermath of having kidney stones and you tada, an almost emotionally and physically dead Alice. Everyone was talking Dutch and that's what hurt the most. I felt as if because I was the now sick au pair, that I had absolutely no value to the family. I felt forgotten, I felt sat on like an old piece of furniture. Usually I'm included in the dinner conversation but no one even asked if I feel a little better today. I felt so alone. So isolated. Insecure. Sad. It was awful so I just got up from the table, didn't excuse myself and left. Best part? Nobody noticed.

XXX

Alice

[alicesaupairland-blog]

03/12/2018, 5 days of a kidney stone

Its really strange coming home to a place I could never call home, to attempt to fall asleep in-what I have learnt to be, one of the most uncomfortable beds in Amsterdam. It would be so nice to be in a comfy bed holding a warm Joey. I swear even the hospital beds are more comfortable than the shit I sleep on. And it took me one break up and 5 days of a kidney stone to realise that.

Even though my body feels as if a truck rode over it and my eyes feel as if they have been soaking in salt water, even though all of this, I still cannot sleep. This is just not home, its not comfortable. When I'm here I feel like this piece of added furniture. I feel dead on the inside but alive enough for everyone to sit on.

I wish I could express to you, what it feels like to just be discharged from a hospital after passing a kidney stone and to have to come "home" to no home. Well let's put that in a sentence: the pain that you get from passing a kidney stone is rated worse than child birth.

Guess who's ready for child birth! Alice is definitely fucking not.

And through all that pain, thinking you'll get out of it and back to pain free relief, you come "home" to people who are only capable of seeing your pain as their current biggest most inconvenience. I cannot describe how less of a human being I feel right now. When will I ever stop doing such fucked up things to survive? I feel like a trapped monkey half my life. And I just wish that a huge wave of sleep would wash over me but instead I'm up on tumbler finding a way to synthesize my thoughts into rational and logical ideas...because if not I'd truly go insane.

I'm now feeling the pain of hearing those words for maybe the 89579094379th time in my life, "I'm not in love with you anymore".

I really think that Joey has no idea what he's feeling, needs to figure it out and when he does he's either going to come running back to me or crumble in his pride (like his father).

It's just that there where and still are no signs and displays of the words "I'm not in love with you anymore" and I never distrust Issac Newton's law of gravitational attraction, not to mention my brilliant intuition.

I know how Joey is feeling because I'm feeling it too, its been a tough few weeks with me and exams and the fight we had with his dad. Things were just messy and we didn't get a weekend to enjoy ourselves. But the absolute truth is that when people get sad, other people start to avoid them, because, and I'll say it again, sadness is more contagious than the common cold.

And I got sad.

Then ignored

Then abandoned.

And lastly unloved.

Because those are just the few external symptoms of sadness, that happen to sad people on the account of other people seeing the icky sadness of someone else as some sort of deadly disease.

Same as having the flu, I'm really awful when someone I know gets the flu. I avoid all contact with them, I take extra precaution when buying vitiams and I runaway from the coughs and sneezes. Well if you think about it in the same manner? When did someone actually, voluntarily run after you with a tissue for your snotty nose from all the sadness of the day...Think of of it...

Yeah thought of it? Yup the last time was when you were a little kid and someone pushed you off the swing set right? Well in adulthood there's none of that. There's just you and yourself to blow your nose on bad sad days and the more you have bad sad days the more people dissappear from you life.

Plain and simple logic

Seriously I was admitted to a dutch hospital for 5 days in a very long attempt to pee out a kidney stone, nope not kidney damage, thank god for that, just stones. Maybe the stones were punishment from god for all those times I tried to kill myself.

I don't know if there is a god but maybe there is something that made this world and in somehow controls gravity and is now punishing me with kidney stones for all the suicide attempts that I failed at.

Thank you for the second chance shim. Can you now tell me what to do next because I'm so lost?

XXX

Alice

21:59, pains

I just wish someone, anyone could understand how horrible it is to have to fall asleep upon a bed that hurts you in an emotional manner. And if you're sensative like me, it's basically falling asleep in pain. Not kidney stone pain but pain. Wait to be honest, I'd rather have kidney stone pain than emotional pain. Kidney stone pain fades away and you completely forget what it feels like. Emotional pain never fades and you don't ever forget what it feels like. Although, there might be a lot of brain training thay can rewire your brain into forgetting emotional pain. Wish they offered a BSc in that.

Sounding strange but I miss the hospital. People cared for me and checked up on me there. I cannot stop thinking of the horrible sarcastic comment that my host mum will probably make about me being in hospital for 5 days. Something like "that is so strange you know? Nobody ever gets sick in Holland, ever" yeah I know you're a racist bitch but let's move on now.

Alice needs sleep.

Sleep? Wtf where are you?

22:53 PM, since when did I start typing my times like this.

Wow having kidney stones and being in a hospital for 5 days can really fuck with your memory. Anyway, still can't sleep. Now thinking of Joey, guess my lack of sleep will lead to a good read, ah look its already happening! That rhyms!

I'm so thirsty

XXX

Alice

[alicesaupairland-blog]

29/07/2018 "first date"

Throw back to the day we first met. I miss you Joey. It would've have been nice to come home to my horrible life and realise that I still have you to call when all is absolute shit. You're gone now and I'm only realising how lonely I am right now. I really would've preferred if we could've made things work out because its just nice to know that you can come home and have someone to call. Have someone to snuggle up to when its bad.

But I could feel you drifting and if we were still together right now and I got home and wanted to call you, but heard it in your voice that you rather be away from me then maybe whatever happened, happened for the best. Now here I find myself lost and confused, oh Alice why do you keep wondering like this? I wish I could understand what you do to chase away all the good things from your life.

[alicesaupairland-blog]

29/11/2018

It seems as if I was completely right. Well it doesn't seem that way it is that way. Joey and I have broken up. He says he's not in love with me anymore and hasn't been for about 2 weeks. I knew this already. It's hard to out smart Alice.

Well now its time to look for more meaning in my life, if I survive this life that is. Today I've got extremely bad pains in my right back and abdomen. The chances of me having kidney failure are pretty high right now. Guess it's a good time to take up heroine!

YOLO

XXX

Alice

[alicesaupairland-blog]

28/11/2018

I'm really feeling awful. I also really need to find a replacement for the word awful, I use it too much. I use it as if I don't have vocabulary in my life. I have menstrual pains that are destroying my pleasant atmosphere. I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm breaking a little, at least if I crash, someone will be able to read about it.

It's difficult to keep up with the whole writing/blogging thing, if you're experiencing some form of depression. I can't tell if it's because my vagina is bleeding its non existent heart out or because my life really has some complications in it.

So I've been having the most awful time with this host family.

On Wednesdays I don't work. I just don't. I cook that's it. I usually spend my Wednesdays hanging out with Joey. Doing fun things, I can't remember the specifics but I just don't work. Although today was different. I had to get the kids from school cook and clean and babysit till late at night. I've had to babysit since Monday and it's eating away at me. I feel exploited and walked all over. I love the kids but what about me? I'm like a house bound slave. Maybe thats and exaggeration but when I'm clearing the dinner table, packing the dish washer and cleaning the kitchen counters all while everyone has a good time relaxing their fat asses off, I want to just collapse into thin air. Because I feel like a maid. Me feeling like a maid fucking ironic right! I grew up with a maid. And my mother treated our maid horribly. She verbally and emotionally abused the woman. Well I'm that maid now. The only difference is that my verbal and emotional abuse is so indirect that sometimes it takes me a few days to realise it. The worst part is that I can't stand up for myself because where would I go? Back to fucking Africa to be even more emotionally and verbally abused by my mother? To smoke marujana every second of the day just to avoid my thoughts. I don't want that and I don't want this so to be honest I just want to die. I'm controlled by money. I have nothing and without this job how would I survive?

The other worst part is that Joey is just drifting away from me and told me straight up all I do is talk about my job and he hates it. So on days like this I'm completely alone. This is what happens when you get sad. People avoid you. People leave you to be sad on your own because sadness is contagious and people would rather watch others suffer than catch it themselves. I've seen this with everyone in my life. As soon as things become just a tiny bit difficult in your life, people form the tendency to avoid you.

I forgot to mention the lying.

He's just been lying, lying about the fact that he goes out clubbing on the weekdays with his friends and I found out about the lying in the worst way possible. I was up all night attempting to study and babysit at the same time and I completely broke. I couldn't handle it. I knew I was not prepared for that exam. I knew that I could not go on like this. I knew that the study slavery thing was not working out. And I knew that even if I wrote the exam what then? Because I would never au pair and try to finish a math degree again. It's completely impossible. I had no time or focus. Then it occurred to me, might as well quite, go back to SA and live on your sisters couch for the rest of your life.

It was around 3 Am and my body could not take staying up till so late. I was exhausted from the day, exhausted from the kids. I didn't know what to do. Joey had told me he was tired and was going to go to bed. I texted him saying that I'd like to come over to hide away with him till me exam was "over" but he wasn't responding and I felt bad to wake him. But I felt even worse on the inside, my emotions were out of control and I needed someone, anyone...

I called and called but no answer. It was strange he always answers. Then I called and called again because I got more anxious that he was not picking up. He then answered and there was noise in the background, so much noise. He was at club with his friend. He lied to me, said he was going to bed. Typical right? Like every stupid cliche from a cheesy American movie. It's hard to react naturally when you are in a relationship with someone who has brain damage and forgets things every 3 or so minutes. So my initial reaction was, maybe he forgot. But then he got angry at me.

If I was going to really write the exam I would've had to leave at 4:30 AM to get the bus and when I called him it was about 3 AM or so and he just walked out the club and left because he read my texts and jumped to all the wrong conclusions (the stupidity of other human beings is not my fault). He got really pissed off at me because he left the club thinking I was coming straight to him. That's the problem with dating a dyslexic, ADD, brain damaged boy, he confuses everything. At the time I didn't care I just wanted a place to go to at 4:30 AM so that I didn't have to write the exam. I didn't care that it hurt. I didn't even care about him. I remember walking into his house, he was in the shower and I don't think he heard me so I quietly sat on the big blue chair in the dark. It was during that time that I realised he had lied to me in the worst way possible on the worst day ever. It didn't occur to me till I really thought about it. I actually wanted to frighten him in a jokingly manner (because he didn't hear me walk in) but he took such a long shower that all it did was make me realise that he could be cheating me. And what else could be he lying about?

There's so much more to this story but let me just tell you what this day made me feel and what it's doing to me now, I don't know how to believe him when he cuts the call and says sorry he was with his mum. I don't know how to believe him when he says he can't talk because he's having dinner with his dad. And the worst part is that I don't care what you're doing, even cheat on me as much as you want, BUT be there for me when I need you and answer when I call because that's all I want from a anyone I keep in my life. Everything else is important too but don't be apart of my life and take up so much of time if you can't answer the phone when I call you! Be there when I need you because I don't always need you. Isn't that what everyone needs?

I feel like we are on the verge of a big break up. I know patterns like these in men. First they start lying, then they start avoiding and lastly the start ignoring, and when they do that you know it's over.

This was the text I sent Joey because I just could not contain how I feel:

"Joey. Eventually things like this happen in a relationship. It just changes. It hasn't changed for me. But I know it's changed for u. I know you feel different. And I feel it to. I'm not making this up. You used to call me. I used to call you. We had a real relationship. Its different now. You avoid me a lot. It hurts. I feel like our relationship is almost ending and I don't know how to fix it"

He looked at it and ignored me. So maybe it's over and I just have to wait for him to say it.

Men are insecure cowardly pussies.

Night.

XXX

Alice

[alicesaupairland-blog]

26/11/2018, an exhaustingly interesting day

I'm still new to tumbler so I just love that while you are thinking so deeply about how to start introducing your post, there's a little phrase that pops up saying something pushy like "go ahead type your post!". If I had a better short term memory I'd remember the exact words but I've smoked wayyyyy tooooo much Marijuana in my life for that and I'm surprised that I even have a short term memory left.

Well to tell you the absolute truth, I'm so exhausted, it's past my bed time, I've got huge dark sunken circles under my eyes (from allergic rhinitis combined with a lack of sleep and lots of crying) and all I want to do is write it all down because its such beautiful juicy thoughts and information. Although, I'm afraid that tonight will be a little too much of a boundary push. I know you want the deets but look, the bags under my eyes are making me look 5 years older than I am and the belly fat is making me look 2 and a half months pregnant so I really need to be up early tomorrow morning and hit the gym because once again I went all the way to Fit For Free, changed into my gym clothes in the disgusting locker room (which I never do) only to realise that I forgot my lock. Without a lock (to lock the bullshit that I bring to the gym but don't need), there shall be none of the exercising. It was an awful start to the morning and from there things just descaled. Sounds icky right? Like descaling a fish or something. Well yes, I don't mean to complain but it was a prickly and slippery day.

Nonetheless I survived.

And now I really need to sleep. So I'll tell you about the rest tomorrow, and this time I promise!

(I'm an unreliable person don't bank on that)

XXX

Alice

[alicesaupairland-blog]

24/11/2018, Dad's Birthday

It's a Saturday so having time to reflect on this situation today will be a slight challenge. I've got tons to do. That's just that. And I can't concentrate on typing this because Joey keeps asking me what brand of rooibos tea I'd prefer. He's sweet.

Anyway I just got off the phone with my dad, a precisely South Africanly short 8 minute call. It was really painful to say good bye. I felt as if I could hear the half tears in his voice. The thing is, I just don't talk to them so when I do, I crumble. Putting myself together after that takes about 3 and a half hours. I then forget everything and carry on with my life. I openly dislike the majority of my family, besides you sis, you're amazing.

Joey and I have a fun day planned, I really want to go to the Rijksmuseum. Oh and dinner with Emily was really interesting she kinda brought a date. Tell you about it when I don't have a Joey on my arm.

4:37 PM, misery

I feel awful, I've even been crying a bit. People seem to be really concerned about the fact that I don't want to study math anymore. The problem is that I feel it more of bad judgement than concern. I'm a little bit in pieces and I feel so much shame. I feel like I'm not good enough for Europe because I want to be spontaneous and take a break from forcing myself to focus on things that are not making me happy. If I have food to eat and a warm bed to lay in then I think I'll be okay. People are hyping it up and making me feel really bad about who I am. They just don't understand who I am. I'm very afraid of having and being nothing.

Sorry I didn't mention how any of these awful thoughts and feelings started.

Well Joey's got an Air B&B and sometimes his mum comes over to help him clean it for when new guests are arriving. Today was one of those days. She arrived 30 minutes early to find Joey and I taking a breakfast break (we were already cleaning the air B&B all morning). I remember the look on her face, she seemed pretty pissed off to see us eating instead of cleaning. At that moment I felt like a bad influence. As if when I am here Joey gets distracted and forgets more than usual. It was awful and the worst part was that I really like Joey's mum and seeing her disappointed in me feels like absolute balls shit. And all it was, was bad timing! Just bad timing, but to top it all off, she carefully picked the perfect moment alone with me to ask, "are you really quiting your studies?". Just recalling this question makes me squirm. It's just peoples judgement, it gives me a bad definition of myself and that makes me feel all crumpled up inside.

Through out the conversation I felt as if I was eating my words and swallowing them hard enough to avoid the taste of complete discomfort and confusion. We then started discussing alternatives for my life because being an au pair forever is not an option. This discussion really frighten me. I didn't think that temporarily quiting my degree would be such a big thing. I consider myself to still be pretty young. And I feel like a 15 year old on the inside, I need to grow up and I can't do anything adult like until I grow up. In my mind this probably the best decision I could've made for myself. I feel that for once, I'm being true to who I am. That I'm not living the standards of my parents and that I'm not living the ridiculous teenage idea of life being as easy as finishing a degree, getting a job then a house and a family.

From the things I've been through in my young life I have learnt that being a high school South African teenager really boxes up your individuality. It confines you to the idea that there is nothing more in the world than a degree and a job, and if you don't get it you will die of either starvation or unhappiness. Being in Europe has really changed my perspective on life and the world around me. I came to realize that I was a naive little teenager with unrealistic aspirations. I was trying to be someone that everyone else saw me to be and I had absolutely no personality. I only ideas of who should be but I never really attempted to be the idea of myself that I thought I wanted to be. A lot of this makes me wounder if I ever really wanted to be the person I was trying to be or if all I ever did was be what people defined me as.

Now I just want to live, I want the only things that matter to be to be my health and happiness.

Completing a math degree that I had to start all over again would've taken me years to finish anyway, but everyone still seems to be really concerned. I'm even afraid to tell Emily. She won't take it well at all and I'd feel like this icky slimy creature in front of her and shes practically my only real friend in Amsterdam and I don't want to do anything to ruin that. I also have this gut feeling that Joey's parents think I've got plans to sponge off of Joey for the rest of my life.

And this idea really breaks me. It hurts so bad. Me a gold digger? I don't even know how to use a shovel.

Being in this country as an "African" Au pair who doesn't have that transparently white skin colour is kind of difficult. I feel true racism and I do feel as if I stick out. I mean Joey's dad is still convinced that I will forcefully impregnate myself with Joey's child just to trap him into-what? Really what? So I feel like a rotting pile of shit that people cannot wait to discard. It's as if everyone is hoping for the shit to start smelling worse so that it can be thrown away quicker.

I just want to be at peace with myself.

11:48 PM

By the way the fun day turned into a night of tears, marujana and an incredible boyfriend.

XXX

Alice

[alicesaupairland-blog]

23/11/2018

Friday 9:12 AM

I've been contemplating changing the name of my tumbler account because currently it's registered as my real name. In a way, I fear that if my host family found out about it they would fire me flat on my ass. This fear kind've makes it slightly uncomfortable for me to be open. Maybe I need to overcome my fears and take real but calculated risks. In my mind nobody is going to find out about this blog for a pretty long time. If someone even takes the time to read it, I'd be flabbergastedly impressed with myself.

On the other hand I am extremely tempted to link my tumbler account to my Instagram account. Now when people Google me, like au pair agencies, they'll definitely come across my Instagram account, pop on by and then see, hey! She's got a linked tumbler account. They'll then have a look at it and think oh no we cannot have such a human as a part of our agency. Then I won't get an au pair job and then I can't stay in Europe and I'll probably never see Joey again and I'll have to go back to the horrible shit hole that I came out from and if I'm lucky enough, get to live with my sister.

The things I'm writing about are pretty personal and I don't know if I'm ready for the world to read it. There are people on my Instagram account who would detest the things I'm writing about and it's pathetic of me but I'm afraid of all the judgement.

Should I be brave and link this to my Instagram account ?

I want to be somebody you know? I want to feel like I exist and I want to benefit this life in the best way possible and giving up my math degree to live my life is making me consider writing about it, because trust me, I have had an extremely interestingly dramatically, hilariously eventful life and I've been hiding it all away. I've been keeping it to myself and I just don't fucking know who I am. I need definition from the world and I can't find myself if all I do is run away from who I am.

Sis, if you're reading this, understand that my life is a complete mess.

Remember the day before I could leave for Amsterdam, you came with me and we ubered to UNISA so that I could transfer my university credits from the balls bullshit University of Zululand and they told me no, straight to my face. Do you remember? They couldn't accept the piece of paper that had more than half my degree on it. I broke, remember? I broke because I realised where the fuck am I going to get like R24000 to pay off university fees to a university I did not want to attend and was not meant to pay for. Then I realised that I'm god damn 24 years old, completely useless and have achieved absolutely nothing with my life. I mean, I couldn't even keep a boyfriend.

Remember what I did after breaking down infornt of everyone in the university? I got up and forgot about it. We spent the rest of the day getting high and the rest of the night getting drunk at a club. And I completely forgot. I should've remembered. If I remembered I wouldn't have decided to study this year. Its not easy looking after yourself, three kids that are not yours also a brain damage boyfriend and still trying to live your life while hoping that your parents who are an 18 hour flight away from you, have not murdered themselves or each other yet.

Well this is over whelming, I'm hungry and I need to sleep because last night I only got like 5 hours of sleep (another long story).

See you later!

XXX

Alice

[alicesaupairland-blog]

21/11/2018 11:38 PM, As awake as the dead I can't sleep and I don't know what to do with myself so I might as well write it down on the Internet for a bunch of random people to gawk at. Well, what's happening to me right now is that, I feel this anxiety about how I'm deliberately skipping my exam today. Look, I can't take it anymore and no one will understand because it will take hours, probably even days or months to explain 24 years of bullshit that landed me in the position I that I currently occupy. But maybe talking to myself about it won't take as many hours, days or months. (Hold that thought, I don't understand why the font keeps changing on this god damn tumbler app) Anyway, tumbler please don't kick me off your app, I quite like writing in this manner, it's seemingly therapeutic. Agh there you go, the font is smaller again and my inner ODC, alter ego thing is now settled. Kay, look I'm doing this on my phone so it's absolute shit. I'm a much better writer on Microsoft word, you know, thesaurus is bae.

Now where was I?

I was right about to tell you about the 24 years of my life that are apparently inducing my body with enough anxiety to steal away my sleep, well that and also the fact that my sleeping patterns are fucked up, so I also took a 2 hour nap during the day.

Seriously! Let's be fucking done with the continuous small talk and introductions and also avoiding the fact that I don't know how to start this 24 year old long story, and just begin!

I set an alarm on my phone to wake up at approximately 4:30 AM to take a ViaVan to my boyfriends house and hide away with him till 2:00 PM because everyone, including my host family thinks I'm going to write my Real Analysis exam. Strange, I know. Now very briefly I will say that I got caught up in the fun of Amsterdam and all of a sudden its 2 and a half weeks away from my exams. I start to freak out, anxiety kicks in and I simply run away from everything, especially the exams.

"They're just exams! Doesn't make sense for her to freak out that bad over exams"

I know that's what you're thinking, but that is what makes this story so interesting. It's strange and peculiar. It's unique and it will give you perspective on-a bunch of stuff, that if summarized will ruin the story. So hush, hush dear your curiosity will be rejoiced soon.

Now back to the story. I'm going to pretend to be writing an exam and the only people who know I'm pretending is my boyfriend and his mum. (Sorry, pause again here's some in between information.)

I am Alice, and Alice does not give a flying fuck about what anyone thinks of the things I do say. Now I don't always say things, I am very careful about how and when I speak because when I do I am extremely, explicitly and utterly honest. There is no filter, precise enough to refine my thoughtful voice. I am flat out blunt and when I say what I want to say I think really clear and deeply (maybe too deeply) about it so if it hurts you, it was meant to, if it offends you, it was supposed to, if it arouses you don't be surprised and if it comforts you appreciate it. Now I've registered my tumbler name as my own, but who the fuck knows I even exist, all I have is a brain damaged boyfriend and a few euros a month. But I love and respect this brain damaged boyfriend very much so I'm going to call him Joey.

In approximately 5 hours and 3 minutes I will be getting ready to make my way over to a hopefully, warm and asleep Joey. I'm going to wake him up, only if he wants to. I'm going to hold him and make him feel taken cared of and loved. And then I will lay with him till I can tell what he feels like doing. Knowing Joey, he's going to want to fuck me, he will grab me and start pushing his hard dick against me. And I don't mind, I love it when a man wants me, but I love it more when a man makes me feel wanted. So maybe we'll fuck, and maybe if I'm lucky it'll last just shy of 4 minutes and no I probably won't get to cum. But for godsake I love this boy so much and I don't know what to do about the bad sex. Nor does he. And we have this conversation and argument almost every day I spend with him. He's really insecure about it and I love him too much to see him feel bad about himself so all I can do is encourage him. Although sometimes I feel like I need to stop this immediately or I will end up feeling used and that will change the way I look at him and I really don't want that but I just don't know what to do.

22/11/2018

4:46 AM, sitting in the ViaVan on my way to Joey

Sorry for the drift off but I fell asleep and content. Although just before that, I spent some time thinking about how to solve the sexual dilemma between Joey and I. And the only thing that I could think of is "try harder Alice". Anyway, I'm now on my way to him and am definitely over thinking the outcome of my anxieties and sexual frustrations. Can't wait to see what happens!

11:35 PM, Alice's laying some what comfortablely in bed

I don't know what my host mums, mum put in that pea soup but it's got me pooping and farting, as if I were back in SA and had eaten some extra hot Nando's chicken for dinner. I've been in Amsterdam for- I just counted 187 days and I've eaten everywhere and everything and never been sick not once. What on Earth, did she do to the food? It couldn't have been what I cooked. Everything I cook, from the spices to the freaking water us fresh and organic and that's a story for another day. Okay fuck this I cannot concentrate.

Something is up with Joey. I have really good intuition and I feel him drifting. He's with friends almost every night of the week, going out almost every night of the week and it's strange, it's all of a sudden. I don't mind, I want him to live his life but it's just odd. And Joey used to call me every single day. Every single day, like 3 times a day and now he calls maybe once a week. Its strange. I don't like it. And I need to figure out why.

Now I've got this uncomfortable, unsettling feeling within me and it's unfortunate because I had so many interesting things to write about. But this is how the cookie crumbles. The universe needs to balance out in some way and I guess after having such a wonderful day, here's the shit part of it that has to make it real. See, I don't feel the way I do because I'm an obsessive lunatic, I feel this way because Joey and I are extremely close and I can sense the gravitation of something being odd. One more thing, before Joey met me, he was a complete fuck boy, in fact the day he met me he thought he was going to get an easy fuck and then chase her away. Well it didn't happen and now we're together for approximately 117 days. (That's almost 4 months). Is this what happens around 4 months of being in love? You just start drifting? I just don't understand because today, in the morning, it was incredible with him. We had great sex and we did it twice, we had great food, he walked me to the bus stop and waited with me for the bus (which was a 20 minute waste of time because I thought that the tram wasn't working but it was). Its just confusing. It's like he's completely in love with me and then completely forgets me. Well he does definitely have brain damage. I don't know, it's just unusual.

So I'm not good at this blog thing and I don't know how to really do it but here's my first post. There'll be more to come, I promise.

Oh bloody hell I forgot to continue with my 24 year old long story.

Anyway, good night, ill carry on with it tomorrow.

XXX

Alice