allisonargntss

[allisonargntss]

So imagine you get told that you’re going to attend middle school (in the US). And it’s like a really prestigious school. So prestigious in fact that the gardener, who’s taking you to get your school supplies, which is perfectly normal, offhandedly mentions that the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, constantly contacts your middle school principal for political advice. Like, he does this on a daily basis. And you’re like, “Well, that’s a little weird, but definitely not the weirdest thing I heard today.”

But then it does get weird because now you’re in the seventh grade, a cute little twelve-year-old, and things are happening around the school and you’re worried that the gardener is somehow involved. So you and your friend go visit his house and then the principal of the school shoes up with the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, and the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump is just like, “You, Gardener, you’re under arrest for attempted murder.” because even though the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, has…you know…an entire branch of the government that’s in charge of arresting people, he personally came to this man’s house to do it, and it’s like…yep that’s definitely weird, but, I don’t know, maybe it’s just because it’s such a prestigious school but…like…yeah no the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, personally showed up to arrest a gardener, that’s weird.

So it’s a few months later, you’ve just turned thirteen, you’re about to start the eighth grade, and you get into a huge fight with your relatives and run away. So you stay at a hotel and granted, it’s a pretty well-known hotel, but still, what are the coincidences that the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump shows up to be like, “You’re not under arrest” and so you’re thinking to yourself, “Well, that’s a relief and also not really your division???” and then the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, adds, “Just wanted to let you know about the FBI’s Most Wanted” and you’re like, “Okay, thank you for the vague info” and then the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, pays for you to stay in the hotel for a few weeks and then up and leaves and literally none of those things are in his job description.

Remember that middle school you attend? You go back to it and things seem mostly normal, except for the fact that the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, is so worried about the FBI’s Most Wanted list that he sends bodyguards to your middle school with licenses to kill and torture, and you’re like, “Does he actually have the authority to do that?” and then the principal is like, “Okay but they can only stay outside, I will not allow these government sanctioned bodyguards into the actual school” and you’re like, “Does he actually have the authority to do that?” but apparently they both do because that’s exactly what happens.  

It’s a few months after that, you’re still in the eighth grade, Christmas is coming, and you sneak into the nearby town and you see the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump casually meeting up with two of your teachers, the gardener he recently arrested, and a bartender and they all walk into a bar like this is some kind of joke and as he gets drunk with the teachers/ gardener/ bartender, the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, loudly talks about how one of the guys on FBI’s Most Wanted is out to get you, you, specifically…and it’s like…thank you for that exposition, President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, what the fuck are you even doing here???

And THEN it’s the end of the eighth grade and the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, shows up to kill your gardener’s horse.

The point is that the first half a dozen introductions of Cornelius Fudge were really, really, weird, all things considered…

[allisonargntss]

I have a lot of pet peeves but I think the biggest one is when people say things like “oh it’s such a small town, only 35,000 people” like bitch my town has 200 people, you need to pick a new adjective 

[allisonargntss]

bird twitter is lighting up

[allisonargntss]

Your mom finding her friend at a store is like unskippable cutscenes

[allisonargntss]

why did my mom end this text with a wink

[allisonargntss]

my dad and i were hanging christmas lights outside and he plugged them in and said “doesn’t this just light up your life?” and i asked him why he was pun-ishing me and he had to sit down to think of a good comeback

[allisonargntss]

The last thing you ate + the first thing you see when you look to your left is the title of your pretentious lifestyle blog.

Right now, mine would be called Pizza and Prints.

[allisonargntss]

I want my gay rights now! - Marsha P. Johnson (NYC Pride Parade, 1973)

[allisonargntss]

[allisonargntss]

[allisonargntss]

[allisonargntss]

Ya'll be like "Shang was having a bi freak out, realizing he was into Ping". NO HE WASN'T. He already knew he was into men. His bisexual freak out was when he realized Ping was Mulan and hey maybe he's into girls too whatdoya know?

[allisonargntss]

when i start saying weird shit to you thats the equivalent of a cat exposing its tummy

[allisonargntss]

I have to admit. I am not living la vida loca

[allisonargntss]

all of the numbers that are divisible by 17 sound so absurd. 51? 68? 85? ridiculous. 102? absolutely not. and don't even get me started on 119

[allisonargntss]

sorry if u dont think im funny but that’s not my problem my target audience (me) has already been met

[allisonargntss]

instead of a brain there is a mini haunted house in my head