almaventing

[almaventing]

i honestly don’t know how this happened but somewhere between my childhood and formative years i forgot how to exist like a normal person and started to either overthink everything or make disastrous choices without any proper thinking at all. no middle ground whatsoever

[almaventing]

i don't understand why i can't eat normally, it's just too exhausting. one day i'm binging, and one day i eat too little. one day i'm bloated from eating too much, one day i'm starving. I'M SICK OF MYSELF

i take in nearly 800 calories on a daily basis. despite eating very little and feeling tired, still feel like i'm eating too much, and i feel regretful after eating. even if i eat healthy or unhealthy, it doesn't matter. i feel guilty in any case and i want to cry. i don't know how to get rid of this feeling... why do we have to eat??

[almaventing]

i take in nearly 800 calories on a daily basis. despite eating very little and feeling tired, still feel like i'm eating too much, and i feel regretful after eating. even if i eat healthy or unhealthy, it doesn't matter. i feel guilty in any case and i want to cry. i don't know how to get rid of this feeling... why do we have to eat??

[almaventing]

Self-aware of my self-destruction, yet unable to stop myself.

[almaventing]

tw: suicidal thoughts

my boyfriend really really loves me i can feel it but i can't understand it. like... how? why? he keeps saying "i wanna live with you, get older with you. our life doesn't have to be happy or cheerful, it's enough to be peaceful." when he says this, i say "i know, i wanna those things too, i love you." i mean, i do love him, but i think i actually don't wanna these things..? i don't even wanna grow old or live. i wanna be with him, but i don't wanna being alive yknow... but i really want him, and can't let him go. i know it's just too selfish but i don't know what to do or what to think. why can't i just disappear both physically and from memories..? ugh

[almaventing]

tw: ed

UUGHHHGGGH why can't i just stop eating??? fuck. just stop. you're full, you idiot. STOP

[almaventing]

I won't heal. I don't want to heal. There is no point. People tell me to look for something enjoyable in life, but I think it is naive and only a mere distraction from the harsh reality.

[almaventing]

i'm too tired and overwhelmed and literally think about the overdose everyday, but i feel like i'm not sick enough to die, not traumatized enough to wanna die. i was suppose to be happy? looking at all these wonderful things i have, i was supposed to be happy, not wanna die. i think i'm broken or something

[almaventing]

i can't cry or get angry anymore, just feel numb

[almaventing]

i HATE and disgust the body i live in

[almaventing]

about me:

name -> alma

age -> 21

pronouns -> she/her

sexual identity -> ace

MBTI -> INFP

zodiac -> scorpio

i'm diagnosed with -> major depression, severe anxiety, chronic stress and adhd

i'm here to venting, so this post is a whole TRIGGER WARNING for self-hate, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, depression and anxiety