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Sterling and I spent 5 days in Maryland/DC with Kristin - scheduled around an author event by the Tombs and Tomes Book Club, at the Congressional Cemetery. I did not expect the carpet of cherry blossoms. So gorgeous. I had poetry printed and bound and brought it as an afterthought, and am using this whole thing as an impetus to prioritize writing more.

We also took the metro and became registered readers at the Library of Congress, which blew my mind again and again.

And she made us so many good food and drinks.

Not shown: very good Thai restaurant, hours exploring Artomatic, National Botanical Garden, yard tour of Kristin’s fabulous garden (and multiple daytime spottings of the diabolical groundhog who keeps eating it), Neptune (the dog) and Sterling’s friendship…. Kristin’s adult son Darrien, who I’ve known since he was 3.

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I said this a couple years ago (one year ago?) and most of the comments on tumblr actually did not know this, so to reiterate what you’re up against: a VERY mainstream belief among American Christian fundamentalists is that they are the only ones who experience love. They raise their kids to think that everyone “living in sin” (all other faiths, atheists, and LGBT people) goes through life sad and empty, falsely believing they know what love feels like, and will never know until they’re “saved.” It’s not as simple as them diminishing the humanity of others out of hate, but being deeply brainwashed to believe others are automatically mentally less human. They are also very good at convincing new converts that they really are experiencing this “real” love for the “first time;” the same way members of all cults can become wholeheartedly convinced that they’re receiving psychic alien messages or communing with spirits. Cult conditioning is simply that powerful.

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You know what? Destroy the "people in rural areas are all ignorant conservatives" stereotype and start mocking the "trad"/anti-feminist/neonazi people that are obsessed with rural areas despite having never been to one

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“In America, where I live, death has been big business since the turn of the twentieth century. A century has proven the perfect amount of time for its citizens to forget what funerals once were - family and community-run affairs. In the nineteenth century no one would have questioned Josephine’s daughter preparing her mother’s body - it would have seemed strange if she didn’t. No one would have questioned a wife washing and dressing the body of her husband or a father carrying his son to the grave in a homemade coffin. In an impressively short time, America’s funeral industry has become more expensive, more corporate, and more bureaucratic than any other funeral industry on earth. If we can be called best at anything, it would be at keeping our grieving families from their dead.”

-Caitlin Doughty, in “From Here to Eternity”

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The Barbie movie reminded me about how when I was little my parents were upset that I kept making my Barbie dolls kiss, so they bought me a Ken doll. The next day they found me having a funeral for poor Ken in the garden, he had died of tuberculosis. All the Barbies were in attendance and I buried him under our rose bush. The Barbies were too poor to afford a headstone (it was 1875) so I didn’t mark where the grave was and I never could find him again. He’s probably still there.

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Hello??? Please spread this info!

So it turns out that ChatGPT not only uses a ton shit of energy, but also a ton shit of water. This is according to a new study by a group of researchers from the University of Colorado Riverside and the University of Texas Arlington, Futurism reports.

Which sounds INSANE but also makes sense when you think of it. You know what happens to, for example, your computer when it’s doing a LOT of work and processing. You gotta cool those machines.

And what’s worrying about this is that water shortages are already an issue almost everywhere, and over this summer, and the next summers, will become more and more of a problem with the rising temperatures all over the world. So it’s important to have this in mind and share the info. Big part of how we ended up where we are with the climate crisis is that for a long time politicians KNEW about the science, but the large public didn’t have all the facts. We didn’t have access to it. KNOWING about things and sharing that info can be a real game-changer. Because then we know up to what point we, as individuals, can have effective actions in our daily lives and what we need to be asking our legislators for.

And with all the issues AI can pose, I think this is such an important argument to add to the conversation.

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Climate crisis is coming for all of us. We need to vote for people who are not insulated from reality via donor bribes.

We need a robust EPA. The current Supreme Court wants to end the EPA and Federal power to regulate our air and water. Never forget.

Get involved. Vote.

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This is 100% true.

I was born in Key West and lived for many years in Miami Dade County…. I grew up thinking it was very normal to change out of your bathingsuit next to your car before you got back in it, or pump gas in a bathingsuit wrapped in a towel, or whatever. Little kids could be totally naked at the beach in the 80s, my dad walked through a grocery store with my sister and I in bathingsuits many times. It’s just not a thing the way it (apparently) is even in north Florida. South Beach has lots of bare tanning titties and lots of dudes in banana hammocks.

Maybe this is the primary correlation between liberalism and being close to the ocean.

I honestly think that the lack of non-sexual nudity in public spaces has done horrific damage to American society.

We deeply struggle to understand the natural diversity of bodies because we only see naked bodies in a sexual context. We are taught that seeing nudity is somehow inherently harmful, especially to children. We struggle to differentiate between sexually suggestive and sexually explicit material.

It fucks up the way people think about and talk about sex ed. It fucks up the way people think about and talk about breast feeding. It fucks up the way people think about and talk about queer folks. It feeds into fatphobia and ableism and is all rooted in this deeply harmful puritanism.

Like, I need people to understand that seeing a bare titty in public is not going to hurt a child. Seeing a man in a banana hammock isn't inherently traumatizing. I would argue, in fact, that adults treating those things as dangerous and gross and scary is going to do way more damage to a kid's psychology than seeing the nudity in the first place.

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100%

This kind of shit is so heartbreaking.

And in the video, it’s worth watching til you see the change.

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From Joan Didion’s, “The Year of Magical Thinking,” from which I copied the quote earlier tonight, “Was it only by dreaming or writing, that I could find out what I thought?”

Kristin’s been listening to the audiobook as she quilts, and we’re having a long distance book club of sorts.

I’ve cried multiple times in this reading.

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Beautiful day for a mushroom walk. Sterling and Aaron came out, big ol group today.

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2022 Year in Review

2022. Ok. "Bad" and "good" are not super nuanced nor mutually exclusive (life is complex!) but they're what I'm doing.

The bad was extensive enough that I really wanted to find some catharsis in putting it all down at once, and maybe even having a couple of people read it all and go, dang.

Bad: -I had a terrible ear infection, and then such an extreme reaction to my antibiotics. This crap really ate up most of January with pain, appts, vertigo, side effects (terrible joint pain! complete lethargy!), etc. -Aaron called us hurt badly one day, from the skate park - ER trip later we learned it was a serious break. He had to wait a week for the swelling to go down before they could operate. Total agony. -But Jan and Feb were also full of constant text and phone support for one of my two long term best friends, Kristin, who was caring for her dying sister Keegan (someone I'd hung out with lots of times, been to multiple homes of, etc) up in Maryland. Hospice in the living room, cancer play by plays, very heavy. Many emotional calls to my own sister. -Aaron's ankle hardware installation surgery was super triggering for me (I have hospital/surgery ptsd), though of course I kept it together for him and sobbed to Sterling about it later....and Aaron was incredibly pissed and very hard to be around for weeks of immobility, which he's never been able to handle. I was up all night with him in pain, calling a doctor, twice.   -We all caught COVID in February, were pretty dang sick for a couple of weeks, and then had the brain fog/exhaustion for another month+ after - I have been back on maintenance inhalers for the first time in years, ever since. -Keegan died Feb 20.  

So you're perhaps seeing that already, just a couple of months in, this year is really kicking my ass, eh? It's kind of funny, I was all set on setting some intentions as January rolled out and THAT NEVER HAPPENED. Continuing....

-Ananda and Pierre broke up, after 6 years together. -I walked out of my house one day and found my car had a giant tree branch through the windshield. -Sterling had some scary (though ultimately benign) post-covid problems that sent us to the ER in the middle of the night. -Over the late spring/early summer TWO other social workers in my region left my company (for totally different personal reasons), both women who'd worked there for years, and I was suddenly contending with a totally untenable triple caseload. I couldn't take any PTO for months, which is hard to deal with at my particular job, and was regularly still working late every Friday. So many stupid emergencies, so much anxiety interacting with management. Totally overwhelming. -Sterling and I still made it down to Pompano on a whirlwind weekend, to stay overnight and attend Keegan's celebration of life, which was a Cake-as-the-soundtrack Hipster extravaganza with an open bar and a poorly formatted slideshow. These are details Kristin and I laughed about. It was wonderful to see her mom and son again, albeit under terrible circumstances and with tears all around. -Beginning of August, Sterling and I drove up to Maryland to take everything we could possibly want of Keegan's stuff, from Kristin (she was donating everything she couldn't give away - she also wanted me to take her favorite plants since she's moving across the ocean soon). This was a good trip in many ways, but like, we're also going through the items of her deceased sister AND my Nana took a turn and we suddenly knew she'd die soon, while I was up there. I had to sit alone with my laptop and write some stuff out. I don't know. These two trips are the most gray area of the bad/good dichotomy being false. Like Sterling got to show me chain places he hadn't seen since childhood, and we drove through the town he lived in with his wife, but we also got EXTREMELY sick of driving. -Mid August, my dad entered the hospital, and was in for several days that involved LOTS of long calls between him and I as well as some with my sister - he almost had open heart surgery, actually left Against Medical Advice, generally scared the shit out of everyone while having panic attacks and getting security called, it was a time. There've been many complicated updates after all his copious specialist visits, ever since. -Later in August - listen to this shit - first my OTHER long term best friend, Jess, started having really bad health problems of her own, she had emergency surgery; she was awaiting possible next surgery, she couldn't eat for days that were turning into weeks - she came down from Tallahassee and it took her extra hours to make the drive and she slept half the visit (she was only in town for 3 hours...) and I couldn't get ahold of her the next day to verify she'd made it back. I was really scared. Like really, really fucking scared for her, for half this month, and so triggered about the medical part but not wanting her to keep any of it from me. -And so WHILE THAT'S unfolding, like Sat she's over napping and Sun I'm sending her Tally bestie to do a safety check - Monday, I end up in the ICU with a bunch of friends, watching Clarence die, while simultaneously providing phone support to my nephew Wolfgang because his best local friend in New Orleans shot himself THE SAME MORNING. Clarence and I weren't close, but I had some notable memories with him, he was a fixture in my community and his partner Colleen is a friend. He was only 40 and had a sudden brain aneurysm. I organized a fundraiser for Colleen, and a meal train, and took her tea and listened to her tell the whole harrowing story. Ananda and I took an ex of his that is a friend flowers, too. Wolfgang and I were texting each other from separate funerals, that weekend - me with a bunch of 30 and 40 something goths in the woods, him in NOLA with his gen z LGBT crew... -my diverticulosis flared up for the first time, into horrible pain, I ended up in a CT scanner. It's fine, but I hated it. -THEN, September, less than 2 weeks later after Clarence/Wolfgang's friend, my Nana died in the morning and my former sister in law, Mindy (Robby, Wolfgang, and Patrice's mom) died in the evening, THE SAME DAY. My Nana had been on hospice for almost a year after being immobilized by strokes for a decade, but I still took it harder than expected. Mindy had done a lot of hard living, but seemed stable enough - nobody expected that at 46, she would just literally slump over dead in the middle of putting together a piece of furniture with my mother in law. Poor Teresa tried CPR for 12 minutes. I am still worried about Teresa. I chose to go to Mindy's funeral, rather than my Nana's (they were on the same day, in different cities), since I am estranged from my mother and I wanted to be there for my niece and nephews, and for Teresa. -I also got a terrible UTI in Sept, and maybe partially because it's only the second one I've ever had, or maybe because of the DISASTROUS antibiotic fallout back in Jan, I tried for too long to keep it at bay with dumb supplements and water that kept beating it back but not knocking it out, thereby increasing my suffering.

Are yall HEARING this shit? Is it even possible to keep all these names straight? Can you believe any of this?

In October, things started getting MUCH HARDER THAN ANYTHING ELSE I'VE SAID SO FAR (I'm serious), but about someone close to me who has asked me not to share about it in any kind of identifying or detailed way. Seriously I was sobbing myself to sleep at night, I walked around feeling like I was going to throw up all day every day for about 15 days. I was reaching out for help. This is not romantic or about Sterling, though it certainly impacted him too. The person is mostly ok now, though I continue to worry. I'm sorry it's vague, but my experience is definitely not complete without a reference to this being included.

I guess it's good that by late Summer, new trained people were taking on caseloads at my job as replacements and I was able to ease up a little with work, have time off when I needed to, etc. Otherwise this shit would just not have been possible.

-December has featured everyone being sick with something, and Aaron having screw removal (ankle) surgery - which went very well but meant a lot of extra Stuff the week of Christmas. The first Christmas I've ever had with my Nana gone. Many surprise tears. I was seriously having PTSD nightmares in the night and then waking up crying with old Christmas carols playing in my head, like she used to have on all December. While on my period and trying to shop and bake and decorate and find a secret santa gift for someone at the office and attend an evening work event and a friend's show and and and. Stupid exhaustion. SO MUCH SLEEP DEP. Commiserating with Teresa and Patrice about their first christmas without Mindy, and with Kristin about her first Christmas without Keegan, and with Colleen about her first Christmas without Clarence. Listening for hours at times as Sterling hashed out his very complicated feelings about this holiday, which he has started to look forward to (which feels very very vulnerable).

I'm typing this NOT at a New Years Eve party I was invited to OR at the hospital where my great niece was born, because I have covid for the 2nd time. Been testing every day, because of these impending events - to no avail. My car is in the shop not being worked on because holiday, as I wait to find out if it's A Huge Deal problem or not.

I am also feeling some borderline panic at times because I totally spaced on it being the last day of the MONTH, in addition to the year, and thus missed my opportunity to get all my work documentation in on time - at a time when that is being scrutinized more than normal. And there's nothing to be done but wait out the weekend and hope for the best.

I had a sense of never resting for much of this year, of not having the ability to fucking chill long enough to feel I was savoring to the degree I want to. That if I wanted to value and prioritize good things I had to force them into spots where I could be sleeping (or staring at a wall and dissolving). I am certain I spent MUCH more time than normal sitting on the phone on hold, for 10 million different reasons.

GRRR forever except also I'm ending the "bad" right there.

Good list...Because there is good, lots of it, GODDAMIT:

-I had a 7 hour long ritual fire in January, with my best local friend Katie. I took dried herbs and flowers, snacks, and tinctures with me, and she fed us, and we never ran out of things to talk about. -I read Sterling the last couple of Dark Tower novels. We laughed, conjectured, and cried our fucking eyes out together, talked endlessly about them, THE MOST SATISFYING THING. We've since started the Vampire Chronicles and are halfway through book 3, so many great things to talk about. -Ananda registered for college! Dual degree track of library science and art history. She knocked out remedial math and then did her first semester. It has been really interesting talking about with her. And it's been fine and flexible to continue as a Starbucks supervisor while she does this :) -Elise got into the art high school of their dreams! The open house and application process had been so exciting, and then when we opened the "yes," it was really something. -Isaac has worked his way up the rungs of a local volunteer organization; he coordinates events, does their taxes and payroll. He's only 18! But he's been knocking many things out of the park. I am so proud of him all the time. He also cooked many pots of soup for the household, and did UNTOLD loads of dishes, this year. -I brought home a painting I love so much that I've literally, actually looked at it every single day since, drinking it in, always spotting something new. -Likewise I scored some pretty amazing outdoor furniture along the way, curb find chairs and yard sale mirror, shelves off my local fb "buy nothing" group - and I ADORE my patio at this point. From my bed looking out through the glass doors as well as out there. It's magic and I appreciate it continuously.   -There is not a day that passes that I don't swell up with gratitude, either looking out a window or stepping out my front door, about living in such a wooded neighborhood surrounded by such massive towering oak, pine, and sweetgum trees. This often happens on my way to the car, in the driveway, pausing to spin in a slow circle - or as dusk approaches, from my room or the dining room, when everything outside turns into a backlit sillhouette. -I established a whole system of jars on a dedicated herb table (table free from a friend), that we make tea from regularly. This has made me really happy and has led to me gifting people blend bags and goody jars of all sorts. It's one of the only areas of our house that I try to really keep immaculate. Isaac gave me a mortar and pestle for mother's day that's a part of it. -I hit 3 years at my job in March, which means I get several days more per quarter of PTO now. They're also investing in a ROTH 403B for me whether I contribute any money or not, now, and some other perks. -That night of Keegan's celebration of life down in Pompano, the airbnb Sterling and I stayed in had a whole intentional labyrinth outside for a yard, with raccoons and huge snails, and a gazebo and a koi pond. And a whole wall mirror next to the bed, super hot. We went to the beach very late and were both enchanted and FLIPPING OUT to find bioluminescent sand, just live glowing blue dots in the darkness. -I really made tons of tinctures this summer. Stopping on workdays in the sticks to forage, filling up weekends with it. I went out with Aaron, with Elise, with Sterling, gathering flowers, stripping wood. I made jam from the beauty berries in my front yard, too, and harvested so much roselle grown from seed. I handed out grief tincture at funerals. I've got a lot in the works! -Isaac and Aaron rode their bikes to a 35 mile trail, the entire trail, and back, starting at 6am on a Saturday... just because they wanted to. They had brunch out together after. I am endlessly fascinated and happy about my kids choosing to spend time with one another. These two also each funded an independent trip down south and hung out with my sister and her kids (along with their old friends). -I finally started licensure supervision weekly, and joined the NASW, and registered for the licensure exam. -Katie picked me up and drove me out to the cemetery one Saturday, with flowers and shells we both had for multiple graves there. Good wine picnic.   -Ananda and I went and saw Florence and the Machine in Orlando- we were draped in lace, and it was unbelievable. I cried from happiness several times over. Intense and necessary. Fabulous italian food after. -I got two different raises in quick succession (a small one for being there a while and the cost of living adjustment they give everyone annually) as the fiscal year changed, and can actually see the difference somewhat. -Instead of a hurricane, we all got enforced surprise time off with a bonus cold front, and Sterling and I, man, we stood outside in the first cool air of the season in these piles and piles of leaves that had blown down in the tropical wind, and watched our cat step carefully, exploring, and laughed and just felt.... surreal and amazing? This was one of a few long weekends where we were also just doin' it in long multi-hour times with naps sandwiched between events. -That hurricane day is one of several days that Jake and Isaac have taken Elise out all over town just because they wanted to - to parks, playing Pokemon, eating out. -Katie and I took her dog Charlie to the beach. Good adventuring. -I had the experience, for the first time in years, of finding a new book in person, buying it, and then staying up all night long devouring the entire thing. I'm Glad My Mom Died, by Jeannette McCurdy. -Isaac voluntarily took over seeing Elise through algebra, and is tireless and inspiring in this (successful) effort. It is humbling.   -I bought a bicycle! The first bike I've had in several years - it's a vintage cruiser, used, yellow, and I take it out a couple times per week ever since. Extra great when Sterling comes and skates alongside, or Aaron rides with me. -Sterling's and my overnight for my birthday, man, we had a MASSIVE jaccuzzi tub we could fall asleep in together, a balcony we could see the ocean from, the sand was made of barely broken down shells and he collected hundreds of them for a project. Super cool. We sat on a balcony over the ocean, at a restaurant on the beach, eating some great stuff the next morning. -He had a show, actually played the drums at a paying gig, and I got to spend great hours with Nick watching and cheering and clapping and eating. He did great and was on top of the world about it. There's another show scheduled with a different group of people, incidentally, and this one is at a venue with a cover charge (rather than a big outdoor birthday party). -We went to a gorgeous wedding for his friends Russ and Amy. Sweet to stand there holding hands and tearing up. Great food, outdoor space, Destin was there. -We rushed soup and hugs over to Katie one night that she was sad, and wailing between us about things. -Jake wore a suit for his 17th birthday, LOVED his party full of sweet polite kids (at a bowling alley and then watching movies here), looked incredible. -His girlfriend's mom texted me, "thank you for raising a son that my daughter is safe with." <--Pause for emphasis -I actually made peace with being 40 - and "in my 40s" moving forward, which was bafflingly difficult and happened just in time for me to turn 41 with some contentment and ease. -Some good media - I devoured the entirety of the Pocket Coven Podcast, before starting on Between The Worlds (mostly out of desperation that the Pocket Coven Podcast was no longer making episodes). Sterling, Ananda, Elise and I burned through Season 1 of Sandman on Netflix. Ananda and I had a fun time watching The Kardashians on Hulu and over analyzing all of it - it's densely packed with hosting SNL, wearing Marilyn's dress, courtroom trials, passing the bar exam, advocating for death row inmates. So easy to love and to hate. Not at all like the made up barely strung together reality show of yore (that I could never have sat through). The new Florence album is BOMB AS HELL, the Dresden Dolls are recording again... -I have really had a ton of fulfillment from being an aunt this year. It's become a valued part of my identity. I took Wolfgang and Robby out to the beach and for dinner, after their mother's funeral (they wanted these things, and needed someone to understand their ambivalence/guilt at seeming apathetic, as that was a very complicated relationship). I've talked to Patrice so much more (she is devastated by the loss). I continue to just talk to Wolfgang every day, like I have for years :p I took Ananda, Isaac, and Elise to Patrice's baby shower and was able to spring for things she really needs. I was able to see all my sister's kids in person in May, and then pick out thoughtful gifts for them (choosing books for people is kind of a thrill of mine... so glad to have so many kids who read in my life) - and treats - and have it all in the mail before Christmas, and Zoom with them as they opened it. It feels special and cool to have the bandwidth to invest in these relationships, since my own kids aren't so tiny and needy anymore. -My children's desire to buy each other and myself (and their dad and also Sterling...) Christmas presents, is so wonderful. Ananda and Isaac pooled resources and got me a new Le Crecuset dutch oven! Isaac got Grant gift cards and money and a letter explaining the hiking trip he wants to take with him. And Ananda got me a replacement labradorite ring, and Lego flowers. Elise's cards are always a high point, super thoughtful, they've made Sterling tear up more that once.   -Also I am now a GREAT AUNT! Patrice gave birth YESTERDAY! I got play by plays from my mother in law and from Wolfgang, and have had many pics since. It is killing me that I can't be over there because Covid, but, soon enough. I GUESS.   -I have witnessed the huge progress in Sterling and me, practicing at all kinds of things in our relationship; it's beautiful. For instance, he used to get really freaked out and triggered anytime I was upset about anything, due to previous partners flipping out so hard and to such extents, and taking all their upsets out on him. But 3 years into this, he can actually do an amazing job anytime I'm upset about something not to do with us, and can at least get through the helping me part before he freaks out, if it IS about us. That's one example of a million things, and it's both of us, like... being with someone who will absolutely get under a blanket to let me talk into their chest anytime, who is completely down for all kinds of sex, etc etc, has had me have to confront the places where it's just hard for me, personally - to speak up, to communicate directly, I've delved so deep into the most shy and private parts of myself. I feel like I'm experiencing new kinds of dreaming that are related to how I fall asleep (in his arms) every single night. Like it's enabling me to access more of my own subconscious, as wounds get uncovered and then healed. I'm not exaggerating. I've figured major shit out in dreams this year, and woken up to, say, know how to close up the quilt edge without binding, or how to understand Grant. It's like a wall between my sleeping self and my waking self, that's been made up my whole life of not wanting to go to sleep as a sad unsafe kid, is dissolving. In many ways my song of the year would be "Here, In my Room" by Incubus. "The Party" referenced therein being one that took place almost 5.5 years ago now. The fiction-worthy-wind being ka from the Dark Tower. His scars, my incision. I can't say enough and there's no way to say it. -I started a book about hospice. I have not CONTINUED it yet.... clouds of grief and fogs of illness obscuring too much, too often. But - it will happen. 

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just learned that magnolias are so old that they’re pollinated by beetles because they existed before bees

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My Day in the Life of Children, Now

It’s Saturday. I slept in late, got up gradually. When I went to pee, Elise (15) was ready to intercept me with childlike eagerness, about the construction paper ghosts they (non-binary pronouns) were adding to the fall leaves hanging from the dining room ceiling. I praised the careful placement. They are also full of stories about being on their high school’s parade float in the big parade, yesterday.

I offered Jake (16) a fried egg on toast as I made some for me, Sterling, and Elise, but he’d just made himself spaghetti and was getting ready to head off on his bike, to his girlfriend’s.  

Aaron (21) had still not texted since leaving the state two weeks ago by plane, but today was to be his return flight, and Grant and I both know he was expecting a ride home, even though that airport is 4.5 hours from us roundtrip. My driving foot is acting up and my right calf feels tight all the time - I drove over 200 miles for work yesterday! I certainly don’t want to do this. Grant swears he told him he had to arrange return transport because we weren’t doing it. Aaron wouldn’t reply to texts. Sterling saw that bus tickets home from the airport were only $35 - less than the gas it would cost us. I sent Aaron this info, he was like “But I don’t want to ride the bus.” I feel frustrated but glad he’s communicating. Sigh. He is willing to just bus it, admits he’s had a good time and actually gives me a couple of sentences.

Elise was excited to be going to a birthday party that MIGHT be a sleepover, this afternoon - depending on whether they had a good time in the first part, liked the house/family enough, etc. They put bats up with the other autumn things in the dining room, too - with googly eyes. I dropped them off, just a few minutes away. 

Isaac (18) and I sat at the dining table talking about  the Aaron Conundrum. Isaac is afraid Aaron is fragile right now, which is something I am also basically always afraid of. Isaac is leaving for 2 weeks soon, to go visit friends in South Florida. He’s a much more conscientious planner (they’re both using their own money from their own jobs for these trips, which I just get notified of - which is fine when middle of the night road trips aren’t expected from me). Isaac is gonna pay for a driver’s ed course when he gets home, because he thinks it will make up his confidence gap with driving.

I went out on a great bike ride with Sterling, who was on skates. We passed Isaac biking away somewhere on a trail, while we were out.

After we returned, Jake got home from his girlfriend’s house, very upset by her complicated home and family dynamics. We talked about it one on one in his room for 15 or 20 minutes while I gathered up Elise’s sleepover things (the two of them share a room, and Elise decided they do want to stay at their friend’s and messaged me a requested list). It’s difficult to know how to have boundaries - Jake or me - with his gf’s people, because we don’t want to jeopardize his ability to see her, but also, this shit is ridiculous and neither of us exactly approve...

I knocked on Ananda’s (22) door and asked if she’d like to come with me to take Elise their things. She did. We talked about her shift at work and her degree program’s foreign language requirement. Elise’s friend’s mom seemed really nice, and Elise was super grateful I’d brought her the bag. I reinforced my “call or text at any hour and I’ll pick you up” guideline, and then Ananda and I ran to Publix for coconut milk to come home and make cacao with. 

I was in the kitchen with the blender for that, while Ananda waited to show me a movie trailer she’s pissed about, when Wolfgang (nephew on Grant’s side) started texting me about his various sadness. Multiple deaths in the past few months, it’s big stuff. We talked off and on via messenger for the next hour. It kinda reminded me to message his twin, Patrice, about her pregnancy and her moving options and her baby shower. 

I have decided to write my sister’s kids letters. I’ve done postcards and birthday/holiday packages, but they don’t feel behooved to reply to those things, and I think they would with letters. I might even send return envelopes and stamps. I kinda suspect my sister is trying to limit their ability to communicate with anyone, not explicitly me but I’m not important enough to get them on messaging platforms or what have you, if that makes sense, and it kinda hurts my feelings because honestly wtf. I text her things to show them but like. Sigh. 

I just asked Elise for a 1am status update if she’s awake (she’s never stayed at these people’s house and it would be fine if she WAS sleeping, but I doubt that); she immediately replied that she’s having a blast. Nice contrast to how Aaron is miserable that the bus station sucks, the bus will suck, paying for this has sucked for him, and also everything sucks :p 

I’ve been listening to a podcast while playing Tetris, as I half watch my phone, and considering writing projects, and how to get Patrice’s baby’s blanket crocheted by her baby shower, and how I need to finish this quilt I’m half done with for Ananda, first. It’s good to have weekends but I’m really glad I’ll be off for 9 days straight later this month. I contemplate things I’d like to accomplish with my plants tomorrow, and how to have a block of time for sex, and how glad I am to be less bloated than I have been these past days, from UTI antbiotics that were seriously kicking my ass. Jake’s birthday is Tuesday and we’ll take him to Moe’s and bake him a carrot cake, but mostly he’s having his party next weekend.

That about covers it :p

[altarflame]

This is 100% true. I’m 40 and I only experience pain if there is some kind of acute issue. And I’m fat, have 5 kids, etc etc.

One of my good friends acted shocked when we talked about this a few years ago; he was like, “wait what???? You ARENT hurting every day???” Turns out he was doing some seriously unsafe binding practices for his admittedly huge chest while pulling 16-20 hour days, during grad school and while working in non-profits. He got top surgery and his whole life is different now.

But he actually cited those “hur hur you know you’re over 30 when ibuprofen are the new candy lol” memes as having normalized what he was experiencing. 1.) no. Pain is worth figuring out, at least up to the point you have a known chronic diagnosis and have to start managing day to day coping if it’s not changeable, and 2.) ibuprofen is actually UNBELIEVABLY BAD FOR YOU, I have diverticulosis from popping nsaids every month while my period had me in agony for years. I have not taken OTC meds for (very bad) cramps since 2019 when I found out I was destroying my guts. Obv we all weigh our pros and cons but it is worth weighing because, there are cons.

tbh i kinda hate the "lol tumblr users are old and thats why we're in pain" jokes

like. no. you arent old, youre fucking 30, and if youre in constant pain there is something wrong and you may be able to actually DO something about it if you acknowledge it!!!!

like yeah the only medical care a lot of people have access to is worse than useless but instead of pretending its fine and normal we could be sharing resources and figuring shit out!!!

[altarflame]

Some of the things I’ve been up to this weekend, since that magical concert. Beauty berries that grow wild in my yard, roselle I grew from seed, and rosemary I grew from a tiny thing into a huge shrub… lots more cutting than what’s shown there.

Also not shown:

Huge pot of homemade applesauce planned for after the fall equinox - so good, if you’ve never made applesauce you don’t know how good it is warm off the stove. Cacao, collared greens, quilt progress, and starting my period.

[altarflame]

Ananda (22 now everybody….) bought us tickets to see Florence and the Machine many months ago - the show was last night. A first indoor event for either of us since Covid started. We saw Florence together (with Grant) a whopping TEN YEARS AGO.

It was indescribable magic, last night in Orlando. I jumped and danced for hours, half of it barefoot, and sang at the top of my voice continuously. She really did make herself mythical, it’s not just a lyric. I cried 4 times.

Ananda’s look was put together thoughtfully; hair butterflies and glitter that felt inspired by her Aunt Laura; makeup that was gifted by “Aunt” Jess or belonged to my good friend sister’s recently deceased sister, Keegan; a hair clip that was my paternal grandmothers; a rosary passed down from my aunt Michelle; lace over her dress that’s mine. She felt surrounded by amazing women on this night of feminine rage and ritual.