alteicheshire - Tumblr blog

[alteicheshire]

I was nervous to make this post but I know I'll never get this thought out of my head if I don't. This is not my main blog and this is probably the only thing I'll post here, I just didn't want to risk my friends or mutuals to see this before I was ready.

I think I'm too insecure to have friends. I want friends, I love my friends and I want to talk to them as often as possible, but I'm afraid I'm too annoying. I don't want to be too much so I wait for them to message me first. When I try messaging I start to panic. "What if they don't want to hear about this? What if they don't want to hear about me? What if they only messaged me as a joke?" And if I actually do send the message I think all that and "what if I'm being too pushy?" If they don't message back I start to feel worse. Sometimes I'm able to brush it off as "oh they're just busy" but I can never shake the feeling that they just don't like me. Sometimes I'll ask if they actually saw the message. If they didn't then it's easier to brush it off but if they did then the thought that they don't actually want to be friends just gets even louder.

It's reached a point where I'm actually afraid to have friends.. afraid to have mutuals. I'm afraid that my insecurities are going to push them away, either because I develop such a nervous attachment that I message them nonstop or because I get so scared of bothering them that I don't message at all. I'm scared that if I'm too much or not enough then they'll just leave, but I don't have a middle ground. I don't have a level that I feel is actually going to get them to stick around.

This is getting long so I'm going to end it here. I don't know if anyone will ever see this, I just need to get this out there.