amberisonfire

[amberisonfire]

Suffocating.

I feel like I'm suffocating.

I feel like I'm drowning.

There's. So much.

So many thoughts.

So many things to figure out.

Like, I have no idea what I'm even doing.

Work has slowed significantly, and it's making me feel really, really sick to my stomach with guilt, anxiety, and dread. I miss working.

I'm still drowning in debt. I wanted to erase my debt by the beginning of the year but with how slow work has been, it hasn't been possible.

I have so many appointments coming up in March. I'm most worried about my mom's appointment with the kidney specialist. I can't stop thinking about it. So much anxiety and fear and worry.

I had a brief 10-minute "meeting" with a client today, and I could barely find words to speak. I probably made an awful first impression. She wants a second meeting in which I ask her more questions regarding the project, but before that, I need to draw up a contract. Having to speak to her again makes me wanna throw up.

I also received feedback on my social media posts, but I haven't brought myself to watch the recording because I know I did an awful job. It's my first time doing social media posts, so I knew it wasn't going to be great, but I hate confrontation.

I don't know how to find more content writing work that pays as well as my other work. I see people saying that 10c per word is low and that there are better options, but where? 'Cuz I haven't seen any.

I also have to work on this stupid landing page, and it's stressing me out because I don't know what I'm doing. I don't want to disappoint anyone. I don't want to disappoint myself. But that's all I ever fucking do. I'm one big disappointment.

I don't even want to discuss/think about the stupid website I decided to buy that will likely be a waste because I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm suffocating, and I just want to disappear from the world for a while.

I hate myself. I hate how my brain works. I'm so fucking stupid and useless, and I'm never going to amount to anything. I can't do anything without someone holding my hand. I can't learn anything without someone holding my hand. Heck, even then, I can't learn anything because nothing fucking sticks.

I'm gonna go cry brb lol

[amberisonfire]

Therapy was good today. Had fun. It was expressive art therapy. I think I got some built-up feelings out of it.

I also wrote a "poem", and I use the term poem very loosely.

Thoughts running through my head Pain fills my mind How do I stop the thoughts? I'm running out of time Perfection. Things that need to be done. Overwhelming me completely.

I've said it already, and I'll probably continue to say it, but I love my therapist a lot and I'm very lucky to have found her.

[amberisonfire]

Today was good.

Today was a good day. I went to my aunt and uncle's and helped them with their Google Chromecast, Paramount+ account, and my uncle's Bluetooth headpiece.

Then I went shopping with my mom & my aunt and got some cute things. We went to Walmart & Hobby Lobby. I could spend forever walking around in Hobby Lobby. The CEO sucks, but the store is really fucking nice.

Went out to eat at Five Guys. Their burgers are so good. Came home and spent time with my bestie. When she went to bed, I played co-op games with momma bear.

10/10 day.

Tomorrow I have a lot of stuff I need to get done.

• Articles

• Copy for the website

• Cleaning

• Maybe a little math studying

• Looking for colleges

• Setting up the new printer

• Trying out games with my bestie

I'm taking this week off of work because I'm tired. I have a few appointments this week, but nothing that should take too long. Otherwise, I'm just going to take time to focus on video games, catching up on some GH episodes, hobbies, and just relaxing.

When I start back to work the following week, I plan on waking up earlier so I can work earlier. 4-5k words a day max and less if I have side gigs. I want to be able to finish work by 3pm max.

I'm really excited about Pokemon Violet/Scarlet. So excited. There are a lotta games coming out that I'm excited about. Hopefully, I can find the time to play them all.

I want to come up with a set budget & schedule, figure out what I want to get people for Christmas, and develop a plan for the house. I'm thinking hardwood floor, taking room by room and making adjustments/fixes and decorating it, then moving on to the next room.

I also need to start thinking about taxes and how I want to pay them. I'm not really looking forward to it. It's stressful AF.

Anywho, I'm gonna end this day on an even more positive note by eating pizza at midnight and watching Fear thy Neighbor. People be crazy over the dumbest shit.

[amberisonfire]

Therapy, 11/3/2022

Therapy went really well today. We discussed music, how we connect to it through emotions and feelings, and how my previous therapist told me that I shouldn't listen to sad music. My current therapist encourages that I listen to sad music when I need it because it's a form of expression when we can't find the words to express how we feel. She actually seemed really frustrated that my previous therapist would tell me to stop listening to sad music. We listened to and watched the Rhiannon music video together and then she showed me Nightbird from America's Got Talent and I cried.

We also discussed art and expressive art, and we're planning an art session next week. She told me I could play music in the background while we do some artsy things. She told me to bring magazines, gluesticks, a notebook, and colored pencils/crayons. Really looking forward to that session.

For now, I have some things I need to take care of, including:

Articles

Kolleen's work

Look for cleaning/maid services and places to get hardwood installed

Come up with a plan/schedule for this week and next week (which I plan on taking off b/c God, I am exhausted.)

But for now, I'm gonna eat some bagel bites and then tackle these articles before I lose momentum.

[amberisonfire]

Another sleepless night of thoughts running rampant through my head. I'm so exhausted. I'm tired of being kept awake by these thoughts. So much I want to do with little clue of how to do them. And the weekend is almost over, and I've got next to nothing done that I wanted to get done.

Tomorrow's agenda?

• Write article

• Look at new job info

• Look at colleges

• Fix my FAFSA form

• Fix my printer

• Study math

• I'm tired, lol.

[amberisonfire]

Tonight was fun.

Trick-or-treating was a blast. I had a lot of fun passing out candy to all the kiddos and seeing the cute costumes. My social anxiety subsided enough for me to do most of the passing out of candy and complimenting costumes! The best costumes I saw were:

• Eleven

• Pikachu

• Sanderson sisters

• Evie

• A gypsy

Ate some sloppy joes & chips (my uncle prepared his own dip and it was so yummy!), and then I came home and wrote what I needed to article-wise. I'm about to turn in for the night, but I just wanted to make a post to reflect on how good this night was.

I also won some items from the auction site. I'm excited. I'll likely keep these items, but eventually, I plan on bidding on items that I'll turn around and flip for profit.

For the future, my income plans will be:

• Content writing (full-time)

• Web design (part-time)

• Flipping (part-time)

• Physical designs in the form of crocheting, knitting, etc. (part-time)

• Digital design in the form of logos, etc. (part-time)

• Digital design in the form of vectors, worksheets, etc. (passive)

• Investing in stocks/businesses/crypto/real estate (passive)

I have a lot of plans for the future, and I'm excited.

[amberisonfire]

Today is okay.

I'm feeling okay today. I had a really good therapy session. I talked a lot about my fears and discomfort with being in public situations and we worked on some exercises that can help curb my anxiety. As much as I appreciated Vanessa and thought she was a good therapist, my current therapist is so much more. I feel very good working with her and feel like we'll make great progress together. She's also very supportive, and understanding and I appreciate the heck out of her.

I finished the design and edits to the website I was working on, and they seemed genuinely happy with my work on the website. It's nice feeling valued and appreciated, and being told so.

I'm currently working on some articles (though I'm taking a break to write down my thoughts before I forget them). I feel content in where my career is heading. Content writing & web designing are two things I've wanted to pursue for a long time.

And I'm starting to apply to colleges, which is pretty darn neat. It's been a long-time dream of mine to take college classes, collaborate with classmates on projects, and more. I'm very excited to see where this path takes me.

Finally, I feel optimistic about the future. Not too optimistic, though, because I know how much life likes to make a joke out of me and send me some rainy days when I feel too comfortable.

Don't worry, life. I'm not too comfortable, and I'll always be ready to expect the unexpected and prepare for the worst.

But for now, I'll just be humming, que sera, sera.

[amberisonfire]

I'm a failure.

I went in for my first math tutoring session today. They stuck me with a young woman who seemed bored and disinterested, barely explained or talked about anything regarding the process, and then when she did talk about something, she made it seem even more confusing. I wasted 20 minutes on that session before I decided naw, fuck this, and I just shut my laptop down.

I don't know what to do at this point. I just don't understand math and don't know how to reach a point where I can. I feel like such a fucking failure. No. I am a fucking failure. I guess I'll just continue to try and study on my own because I really fucking want my GED and I'm so fucking close to getting it. Math is literally the only thing standing in my way, and it's ridiculous that I even have to give a shit about math when I most likely won't be using it in any career that I pursue. I'm really fucking disappointed in myself, though.

Thanks for trying, Soyoung. It's me, not you. I'm a lost cause.

[amberisonfire]

Hello, old friend.

Overwhelmed ft. Ryan Mack

Been a while since I've blogged about my life and mental health struggles. I used to write long-winded novellas about how much borderline personality affected my life and relationships, but I'm not going to focus on that with this blog, though I can't promise I won't make some posts about symptoms I'm experiencing. I think I've gotten a good handle on my BPD symptoms for the time being.

Right now, I just need a place to vent about the good and bad and a place where I can unjumble the thoughts that run rampant through my mind on a daily basis.

I thought I could bypass having to complete my GED. I'm dreading having to deal with math. It's been over a year since I started my journey to get my GED and math has really held me back. I feel stupid whenever I encounter a problem I can't figure out. Hell, I feel stupid just looking at mathematical problems. I can't stress how much math makes me feel uncomfortable and mentally and physically sick. After discovering that I might not need my GED because I completed my homeschool curriculum, I felt motivated and content. I was ready to grab college by the horns and pursue higher education. As usual, jokes on me. Looks like I'm going to have to complete my GED anyway because my senior records are missing or weren't filed properly. Tough luck, I guess. I'll just have to add GED math tutoring onto my already cram-packed schedule, lol. Fuuuck.

I've got a meeting in less than half an hour and 2500 words to write. I'd rather just crawl up in bed and die at this point. I'm so disappointed. I can't even express the disappointment I feel at the moment.

Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.