amiarat - Tumblr blog

[amiarat]

it's March 2023. I weigh 120 pounds. im so tired from working that eating is hard. im reading a really triggering book just for fun, just to hurt myself. ive been less depressed and anxious and more successful (jobs, friends, motivation, joy!) the past few months but some days I get so so sucked into the dreamy anor*xia world again. i want to be bad. i want to look scary and skinny and hot. i pretend I don't but I doooooo

[amiarat]

Something that was very important for my eating disorder recovery that I still have to do regularly is rephrasing my desires

It’s very easy to think things like “I want to be skinny” “I want to feel hungry” “I want to go x amount of hours without food” but I need to remind myself that those are behaviours that attempt to meet some kind of deeper emotional or even physical needs and not the only way to meet my needs

So I try to rephrase them into sentences like “I want people to see and understand my sadness”, “I feel like my autonomy is threatened”, “I want to feel secure”, “I want to feel loved”, “I want an easy solution to very complex problems” “I am overwhelmed” or “I want to feel above mortal limitations (often as a way to defend myself from the criticism I expect for having human needs and disabilities)” or any other thing that applies

Then I can start examining these needs and solve them in safe healthy ways instead of using dangerous and often ineffective eating disorder behaviours

[amiarat]

here is a compilation of some of my favorite resources, workbooks & apps for people who cannot afford going to therapy, but would like to improve themselves in any way:

therapistaid has many, many worksheets for skills from dbt and even a self care assesment!

cbt worksheets from psychologytools.

coping skills for anger, managing difficult thoughts, getting better sleeping habits, etc.

mental health resources for kids & teens.

DBT skills training (pdf)

DBT skills workbook (pdf)

wysa app offers a wide range of skills, from a personalized AI chat where you can vent to a compilation of your emergency contacts. (only available on google play as of feb 2021)

sanvello app (google play + app store) allows you to track your progress, identify which self care habits you need to improve and guives you monthly reports of your overall state.

feel free to add more!

[amiarat]

also. for months I've been talking about how ive gained weight. telling my bf and friends I'm in recovery im gaining and "I don't even know what size i am", getting rid of my skinniest clothes. finally weighed myself and it's. not even my highest weight. literally just. 123.

[amiarat]

hadn't weighed myself for 5 months (jun to oct) and I did last week bc I thought it would be okay and I thought I was healthy enough to do it once just like. not out of obsession just out of curiosity. at least that's what I told myself! but now I can't stop thinking about it 😜 played myself! doing not very well!

[amiarat]

For anyone with an ED, please watch this! It seriously made me think differently about myself and made it a little easier to take care of myself.

[amiarat]

ok I need help. I want help. im sooo tired of doing this and tired of doing it alone.

[amiarat]

reasons people might be looking at you in public (that aren’t negative)

they like what you’re wearing.

you look like someone they know.

they recognize a piece of clothing or accessory you’re wearing.

they think you’re beautiful or attractive.

they’re zoned out / bored and people-watching.

they recognize you from somewhere.

they’re hesitating to ask you something or give you a compliment.

they’ve seen you in that same place before.

you caught their eye.

you look like how they imagined a fictional character to look.

you remind them of something.

they’re admiring one of your visual qualities (smile, stance, hairstyle).

[amiarat]

i wish my body would Eat Itself Away already. like im fine im fine im still eating but I sure am having a lot of thoughts like "ohmygodiwishiwasdead.iwanttokillmyselfrighthererightnow.ihateexisting.iwishiwasdeadiwishiwasdead" ad infinitum

[amiarat]

ok I just saw a post about Eugenia Cooney, who i had never heard of bc I don't usually care about youtubers, and I looked at her insta just because and what the fuck. what the FUCK. WHAT. the fuck. are all her subscribers or w/e just like hanging around to watch her die?

I know it's not her fault but i have noooo words to describe what seeing her body has done to me. i am so tr*ggered and s**cidal tonight :')

[amiarat]

very low effort bodycheck for this lonely sad tuesday. kind of love how bony my shoulders look here tho.....

[amiarat]

I'm in a bad place I'm in a bad place I'm in a bad place I'm in a bad place

[amiarat]

does anyone else in a relationship (or not idk) struggle between "omg they're gonna be so proud that they're dating someone so small and pretty like a supermodel" and "omg i won't have curves they're gonna leave me for someone with ass and tits"

[amiarat]

love to talk back to my silly little ed voice this way

[amiarat]

This might sound ridiculous but I enjoy my eating disorder. I like challenging myself to go beyond my limits, I love seeing the number on the scale go down, I love chatting food and calories and tips with my other toxic ED friends I’ve met on here. I love taking body check photos or taking photos of my tiny low calorie meals to show people just how little food I actually need. I love feeling light headed and dizzy and I love the feeling of hot coffee on an empty stomach. It makes me feel in control, it makes me feel good about myself. I am absolutely addicted to my eating disorder and I don’t want to stop.

[amiarat]

The super shitty thing about eating disorders, especially the restrictive types, is that when you are deep enough in it, you're proud of your suffering because that becomes the only thing you're good at.

What a sad fucking life. To do nothing but suffer and then turn around and say "ha yay I did it lol" ... To do literally nothing, offer nothing to anyone, change and help no one, just sit there and cause yourself to suffer. And think you're winning in life... That is a VERY frightening place to be in and even harder place to crawl out of. A very sad, tiny little world to be in.

Triggers in recovery are normal as fuck. I get those often. I feel sad for the numbers I gained. The clothes I no longer fit. People around me talking triggers nonstop. Seeing someone who is obviously disordered is triggering and it's normal to think "remember the days? I should go back" ....

Back to what? Purposeful suffering? And literally NOTHING else? Because?????

I have to remind myself I do not want my only skill in life to be self sabotage. I do not want to only know how to hurt myself and nothing else. Because I'm capable of other shit and I have other skills and I can give more to those around me when I'm an actual multidimensional human being and not just a darkened smear in the background of my own life.

Eating disorders are fucking stupid. Get the hell out of it

[amiarat]

ive been Very Publicly beating my depression back with sticks and clubs and swords. doing intense treatment (tms!) going to every appointment. journalling, reading psychology books. taking NOTES during therapy. telling everyone I'm trying so hard to be ~well~.

and then like, backstage behind the curtain im weighing myself every morning 4 times on a row just to be sure. eating cucumber and hummus for dinner. ignoring my hunger at all times. working to solve ONE disorder while secretly ushering another one in and giving it the reins...... like. come on.