amileadaykeepsthecrazyaway

[amileadaykeepsthecrazyaway]

did this today (3/25/19)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBWQGb4LyAM

[amileadaykeepsthecrazyaway]

7/27- Beach Week

Hmmmm...

Beach week can be hard because I spend a lot of it in a bikini. In fact, I first started to become really focused on my weight (like hardcore) when I was at the beach about 4 years ago. I was actually sitting on the porch in my bikini eating lunch and looking at my stomach and thighs. I was thinking that they looked pretty good, but that some fluff could go. Then I stopped eating as much as I normally would. I took this picture right around then.

I think that I was actually a healthy weight in this picture. And I felt pretty good. Ideally, I would like to feel like this again. It is just really hard to get back to the mindset so that I can get there without being super strict and obsessive.

Shortly after this time period, I began to be obsessive. That was when the extreme calorie counting came about. Then the bulimia... blah blah blah.

That was the last beach week that I actually was focused on having fun with my family. All of the beach weeks since then have had clearings in the clouds of ED thoughts, but have mostly been consumed with thinking about when I am going to get my next workout in and how I am going to control myself around all the glorious food that comes with this week. 

This year has been significantly better than years in the past. Not ED free though. In fact, yesterday was pretty bad. I haven’t gotten my period yet even though I have had symptoms and was supposed to get it earlier this week. I also have been talking to a new dude which always gets me a little psycho because I want to look my best. 

Yesterday I got really moody, and I ate ice cream with brownies, and it wasn’t a good combo. I was pissed at myself because I told myself I would be like that this year. But it happened.

Day by day is what I am trying to focus on. I was sitting out on the porch last night and I watched some video to a person’s mom dealing with schizophrenia. It got me pretty emotional. It is hard being with the group of people I am with at the beach sometimes. They are great and I love them all, but none of them are that accepting or gentle about mental health. I get frustrated because I feel like it is being denied WHEN IT IS SO PREVALENT IN MY FAMILY. 

The other family we are with is my Mom’s best friend. I could just not be aware of a mental illness in their genes, but it doesn’t seem to be present. They are very determined and have the attitude that you just do it. And anyone that does not is lazy and weak. Which is great and works well for them. But my family has some extra complications here. I feel like my Mom likes to try and run away from it when she is around her. She complains about me and my Dad a lot. It just makes me sad and moody and all teenage/angsty/misunderstood. But I felt at peace last night when I thought about my grandmother and how much more support I have than her. Things are still not where they should be with mental health, but they are getting better. And for that, I am thankful. 

[amileadaykeepsthecrazyaway]

7/8- it literally makes no sense tho

Trying to ward off an anxiety attack right now.

Can't really pinpoint exactly about what... Just a mixture of stuff that can really get to me.

First off we went and had a big dinner with cake afterwards and I felt extra full and wanted to eat more sugar which always sets me off.

Then my best friend who came in from far off was texting me asking when I could see her and I had to give her the news that I also need to go see my advisor and move out this week.

Then I have to balance seeing her and writing this thesis which is causing me so much anxiety in itself that I could probably be shipped off to an institution.

I guess I am proud of myself for taking a walk with my pup and not eating or forcing myself to exercise/getting mad at myself for being to stessed to exercise (even though I already ran today).

Evenings in general have always been hard for me. I start thinking about all of the things I should have gotten done during the day that I didn't, and realize how little time I have left to do them. I also get fomo and start wondering why I don't have friends or a boyfriend to hang out with. But I get conflicted about making plans with my friends because I don't want to go out and consume more calories.

It is really ridiculous and I can see it even more after typing it out. Anxiety is a bitch.

[amileadaykeepsthecrazyaway]

7/7 x2- GTFOutside

I absolutely cannot spend my entire life inside.

Facing it... I have anxiety. I need to be active and I need to be outdoors and I need to be around people. What is more perfect than wilderness therapy then? Really?

I just need to finish this paper so I can go out for some interviews and start. That is the new plan. 

[amileadaykeepsthecrazyaway]

7/7- WAAAAAterrrr

Yo I was feeling like absolute trash from all the Cheetos I ate and then I made myself drink a ton of water and I feel like a million bucks.

Drink fucking water!!!

[amileadaykeepsthecrazyaway]

7/5- Random Thoughts

Blogging feels... cheesy to me. But I like doing it? I just hope I never gain any followers. Maybe a few I could deal with, if they knew nothing about me in person and had no way of being able to find me...

This apple commercial keeps coming on TV and it is really aggravating. They have this old school song and all these “artists” working on their Macs, trying to be all inspiring when it is really just marketing. I think I am also getting tired. 

WHHHAtever. 

So I was feeling pretty annoyed this morning. I am visiting my Nana and I have very mixed feelings about being here for a week. On one hand, I am with my Nana who I adore to no end. But that does not mean there aren’t things that annoy me. I am human. 

For instance, I am an only child AND grandchild... let me say that being stuck 2 states away from all social life is SO BORING. This is coupled with the fact that Nana has been doing that thing where she says she is too old to do anything. And mentioning how she might see something, if she is alive in another year. And she has gotten so incredibly dependent on her schedule. That must go as planned. It makes me annoyed/sad/guilty/grateful all at the same time and it is very strange.

Anyway, I was feeling irritable all day. Then I decided to drag myself to the gym and do a workout. I did one of the strength workouts from a plan that I spent way too much money on in one of my fitness impulsive obsession nights. I kind of hated it/loved it while doing it but felt slightly euphoric on the way home. Which reminds me that I need to be utilizing exercise more because it makes me feel way less like a crazy person.

I also have been using my Moleskin planner in a way where I am using a habit tracker and writing down random reflections which I am enjoying. There is something so satisfying about checking off little boxes. I don’t know why but that is just the type of motivation I need to actually do stuff. I first noticed that when I did that 45 class challenge for my Om necklace. Brains are weird af. 

We had a cookout with Aunt Bett and Cynthia and I really enjoyed it and it made me smile. We talked about stuff that actually mattered, which I feel my family lacks a lot normally. I think this is a thing in my more immediate family (Dad, Mom, Nana, and I). I realize that Aunt Bett and Cynthia are much more likely to give loving advice and bring up stuff like mental health. Aunt Bett talks a lot more than Nana in general. While she talks, Nana just gets up and starts cleaning. I wonder if this is just a sister dynamic. I know that everyone always says that Aunt Bett is hard to deal with but I have always loved listening to her. Don’t get me wrong, Nana is always number one, but it makes me sad how little self-confidence she has. She always talks like everyone else can do things better than her. Sometimes it makes me sad and other times it just really annoys me. I can see how some of it has rubbed off on me. 

I want to try to eat like Aunt Bett and Nana said they ate back when they were little. Biscuits and gravy or jam in the morning, pinto or black-eyed peas with lard and seasoning with cornbread and veggies for lunch/supper, and fruit based pies for dessert. With whole milk. Sounds heavenly to me. I wonder if my stomach will be able to handle that, or if I will eat less, or more. At least I will have some sort of connection to it. 

[amileadaykeepsthecrazyaway]

🧀 butt tru

[amileadaykeepsthecrazyaway]

7/1 not ready yet

Real talk:

I'm not ready to love my fat yet.

I have gotten a lot better after this self love stuff but I can't deal with the loss of my stomach line and the extra roll that I can feel pressing against my shorts.

Pretty much everything in my life is all over the place (like it always has felt) and I don't feel like I could deal if I lost the one thing I always felt like I had a grip on.

Admitting this makes me feel shallow as fuck but it's the truth so I'm not going to pretend the thoughts like this don't float around my head. This is the reality of the anxiety/eating disorder combo.

[amileadaykeepsthecrazyaway]

6/26-6/28: Relying on Yourself

Fuck this is the hard part.

I hate when my Dad always throws at me the: “nothing in life is consistent except for change.”

It sucks even more because he is right.

I’ve been through times like this before in my life and it has felt pretty much the same way. I think the difference between this time of transition and past ones is that before I always had a boyfriend for them. It made me feel like I had something to hold on to. Except that something was more like a noose for my hopes and dreams instead of something that was actually grounding me. Is it really bad to change when you are with someone new? 

It is kind of a double edged sword because I really value human relationships. Of all sorts really. Honestly it is my passion. I LOVE learning about new people. I love hearing stories about their past and how these stories have morphed them into who they are now. It is pretty much my favorite thing to explore. People are just so fucking beautiful, it is a shame it is so hard to see within ourselves. 

Here is my problem:

I really love the messy shit. The stuff that people say when they aren’t trying to edit stuff or look cool or whatever. I like the stuff that you only hear when you are really really close to someone. The stuff people write in their diary. A lot of the time this is the stuff that you only end up telling your intimate partner. Maybe this is why I get so drawn into relationships where I end up playing the therapist role, and in turn ignore all of my own shit (this is probably subconciously purposeful). 

I have always wanted a solid romantic relationship. Family is really important to me, and I come from a very small and aging one. Not saying that mine is not enough, but I have a lot of love to share and a lot of openings for it. I want kids at some point in my life. At least I think I do. I am not sure if I would be devastated if I didn’t... I mean the whole thing I started out this post with is that everything changes, right? And the mind is definitely something that changes. Mine too much for me to keep up with most of the time.

I have thought about becoming some sort of therapist many times in my life. I’ve had the thought that this might allow me to explore the stuff that I am so interested in in a less toxic manner as compared to diving into relationships where we end up being co-dependent on one another. 

I spent the last few days with this dude I have been talking to. I guess that is what you would call it. 

We do cool stuff together. He is very emotionally cut off. Which is kind of perfect for me right now because I am finally feeling over my last boyfriend, who was the first person to ever break up with me. That was a fucking rough ride, and I don’t feel like getting my heart broken again at the moment. I know how I get attached to people so fast, and I am not trying to repeat the pattern of holding onto something during times where I am feeling up in the air (like right now). 

Anyway, last night we were at this bar drinking. I spent all day with him cleaning his room and car. I didn’t really mind. It was a good distraction to what I should have actually been doing (writing my paper and contacting all of the people in my life I have been ignoring). Both of us were feeling the juices for sure. His friend was there who obviously has been through some shit. It is funny because I think we were all annoying each other but in reality we all pretty much have the same issues. All of us are in places that we aren’t so thrilled about right now. All of us have the potential to do stuff that we think we will like more, but we don’t really know how. Or if we can. And it is scary. And sitting in a bar is much more comfortable, even if it makes doing the other option even harder the next day. 

After the bar we walked out to this really beautiful place on the river where the whole reflection of the city lights on the rippling black waters is in front of you. I could tell he was trying to open up about shit, but honestly it is hard for me to talk to him because he doesn’t listen all that well. And anytime he actually asks me a follow up question to something I said I am taken aback because it is so rare. i was kind of annoyed by that, and feeling pretty emotional about my cousin not answering my texts (note to self: I am doing this to a lot of people right now as well) so I was holding a bit of a grudge and really didn’t listen to anything he had to say. It was weird because I am normally all over this shit....

Maybe this is good change??? Maybe I am thinking about myself?? I am going to note this as a mini win I think. 

I do feel bad for him, and it would be nice to emotionally connect, but my last relationship really burnt me out after I was told that I was “too depressing to hang out with” after I played traveling 24/7 emergency therapist for 3 years. I know a lot of this was me holding back, but it was slanted to one side for sure. Don’t want to do that again. 

This is a lot and I am not going to even attempt to tie it up into something. Like I said, edits aren’t the fun stuff. 

[amileadaykeepsthecrazyaway]

14. Talkin' Shit About a Pretty Sunset

[amileadaykeepsthecrazyaway]

6/25/2018: Paralysis && the metamorphosis of my running

Writing paralysis sucks... especially when it morphs into paralysis over the rest of your life as well. Running helps me, but its complicated.

When I started running, I did it for social reasons. I wanted to join a sport and team sports intimidated me because I could end up letting the rest of the team down. Cross country seemed okay, you just ran in the woods for a few miles a day and got the same status as an athlete.

I didn’t really care if I was good. I just liked hanging out with people. Eventually, I did get good. Turns out I have a pretty natural ability in the athletic department, even though I lacked the focus to follow through with practicing a single sport during my younger years. Eventually I started using running to get me through the stressful times of high school. I noticed there were a lot of mental benefits.

I particularly remember lying in my backyard after evening summer training runs (naturally I would wait until the hour before sundown as a professional procrastinator) and feeling like all of the worries and thoughts in my head had evaporated and life was really good. This was at a particularly hard part in my life and these moments were rare to non-existent for the major part of my days. I also remember running on my half days before class and actually being able to focus for once during the school day.

When I was a senior right before starting college I started with tumblr where I first saw fitspo accounts and started to hyperfocus on my weight and appearance. I decided to try running to lose weight, which I had never done before. I didn’t take it all that far, but I did notice that I stopped enjoying it with this motivation behind it. It was short lived.

In college I would run occasionally during my freshman year. Mostly when I was really stressed about trying to decide on a major and concentrate through my debilitating undiagnosed thyroid problem. My focus on weight was there, but in the way background. 

Sophomore year I lived with a bunch of girls who all had a terrible relationship with food. I was at a point in my life when I felt out of control over everything, and the appearance thoughts were still in the back of my head. I started calorie counting and found that running let me eat more. I would run a lot, but then I would not eat the extra food anyway. I could control my body. Next thing I know I had a full blown eating disorder. 

Without getting into all of that, I am here today about 4 years later trying to write my damn masters thesis in something I don’t care about all that much. My eating disorder is (mostly) at bay. I have never been good at focusing on solo projects. Sitting inside the whole day staring at my computer feeling forced to write makes me turn into a lifeless blob, makes me angry, and super duper duper hopeless. 

Today I was just about at wits end and I decided to try putting on my shoes and running a few miles. I am pretty sure it is the only reason I have any sanity right now. It didn’t give me the same feeling I described earlier that I was able to achieve in my summer training runs, but I am okay right now. Which is a lot better than I was earlier. Obviously I have tried this running everyday thing previously, and (surprise) it didn’t work, but I might give it another shot. Maybe.

[amileadaykeepsthecrazyaway]

9/1/2017: First Morning

This is definitely something that I am going to have to ease into...

Since I have been a runner for a long time now, the hard part for me is not going more than a mile. I did my typical, I don’t want to get out of bed and run thing because I am so used to forcing myself to go at least 5 miles. 

Finally did, started running and the thought of only doing 1 mile made me feel like I should just go home because... whats the point?

That is what my crazy runner voice is saying.

Fact of the matter is: my hip hurts. A lot. and not running makes me depressed. 

Looking down at my fitbit and seeing 0.58 after feeling like I just started made me sad. 

I can tell fall is in the air, it was a very brisk morning and the crossguard was wearing a parka (which I thought was a little overkill). I was so caught up on how I am ever going to get myself to just run this much that I didn’t notice as many nature things as I wanted to. All I noticed was a mourning dove fly away because I was coming up there sidewalk where it was standing and a chipmunk scatter under a bush. I also noticed a beautiful garden that one of the houses had.