andromyny

[andromyny]

summer vacation is just around the corner

i feel so conflicted, at a standstill, two paths before me,

i can either go on as i have been, in the closet to my family but out to everyone else,

or i can actually let them in, but that seems too intense.

part of me feels it’s necessary to leave my family behind in order to begin this new life, this new being,

i want to start hormones and hope they don’t see it on the insurance bill,

i need to transition so badly but it is so terrifying,

am i really ready for my whole life to change?

i mean nothing will be the same,

my family forever changed, my parents losing a son, my siblings their brother,

will they see me as their daughter, their son?

what if they don’t. where do i go then?

they would accept me, i’m sure of it, but i fear it not being instant,

this sucks because it is most likely they’d need time to process,

but why must it be something to process, why is it important at all?

why can’t this be like any other prescription, something to just improve my mental health.

maybe i say nothing, just dress as i do, and let them assume,

the label isn’t that important to me though that’s what makes it difficult,

i don’t necessarily see myself as a woman, but not for any lack of identity with femininity, but just a lack of comprehension on what gender is.

i never understood what it meant to be a man, which is clear why now, but neither of them make sense.

maybe i’ll tell them telepathetically and they’ll just get my wavelengths. let’s hope

[andromyny]

living my fantastyyy

honestly this is the prettiest i’ve felt, and these aren’t even the proper photos. my friend took pics on their phone while another friend was taking pics with their camera and im so excited to see what they look like omgggg.

i’m seeing very much andromyny here, can’t believe i finally am letting her out. it feels amazing

[andromyny]

staring in the mirror and i can maybe finally see her, then i see him, then them?

the makeup is feminizing i guess. back to her.

but it’s so big and extra, almost draggy. back to them.

i haven’t shaved my chest in a couple days. him. my lips look nice and glossy. her. is that an adam’s apple? him.

wide hips thick thighs. her. biceps, pecs, shoulders. him.

voice. them.

heart. her.

soul. her.

truth. her.

i go into my room out of the harsh fluorescent light of the bathroom. back into the warm tones of light, my galaxy light projecting hues of pink, purple, white, magenta, scattered across my room.

the light fractals move across my face as i make my way through my room.

my eyes, trained onto my face, see it change as the different hues of light highlight different aspects of my face.

the pink makes my cheeks look rosy, my skin smoother.

the white makes my facial hair noticeable, my adam’s apple more pronounced.

how does the light bend in such a way to alter my appearance? my gender?

face. him? her? them? all? none? who?

[andromyny]

home for spring break, kill me

i am feeling such an incessant need to stay out of my hometown

the way it limits me, makes me feel so claustrophobic, so small

the fear i grew up with finding its way back to my brain as i cross that bridge

i couldn't have possibly fathomed going to college making me resent my hometown, but its opened my eyes to the possibilities of my life

i never thought i could be open about my gender,

i accepted my femininity would never come to light and now that it has, i struggle to get it back in that box

i struggle to return to my life before, my identity from before. i morphed myself into this falsely masculine gay man, masculinizing myself so i could get the validation from other men, not only that i was attractive to them, and ergo worthy of some pedestal ive created but never defined. but also felt validated in the sense that i was one of them.

so long as i dressed the part, and acted the part, even if it was always with some sense of irony, disingenuous, comedy even, it felt real enough.

but now i know how real it feels to be myself. and its hard to go back to that deluded form of reality, that denial, in which i told myself i was a man.

i cross the hudson river to get from my home to my college. that vast river divides my two lives. my two names. my two gender expressions, my past and my future.

it sucks thinking of a place i once adored ever so much as something of the past, but now that ive gotten a taste of my future i cant help but give in to this urge to sprint at it full speed.

i can't stop dreaming about my future. i have too many dreams for one lifetime. 3 years ago when i was in high school, i didn't hope for a future. i couldn't imagine my life past 18, and frankly didn't believe i had a reason to live any longer than 18 years. i could not picture myself alive, let alone happy, after adolescence.

i could not picture myself successful. i assumed id fall down a dark and dangerous path of seeking approval and validation from all the wrong places, to satisfy this hunger i've had since i was that young, fat, closet-case i grew to despise, to make others like me. to do whatever it takes, degrading myself, making myself a laughing stock, just for the validation of people's laughs, its what breathed me life. it felt like my purpose, to be an accessory to others because i couldn't fathom myself having an individual purpose, and individually unique and important life path.

who knows, maybe i still could fall down that path (knock on wood), but regardless of how grim the world is becoming, i have hope now. i guess i didn't have that before, or ever. but now i do. i do because i allowed myself to change, to forget my family for a moment, forget the expectations of me, and just evolve.

those who have known me for a while now can see this change, see me opening up, becoming happier, lighter, less scared. but do they know why?

my main issue is i haven't come out to my parents yet. partly because i don't even know what to come out as yet, but even though them giving me their support is undoubtable, it feels weird to bring them into my future. my future that has felt so liberating, and free from my adolescence, to see a realer me. they know me the best as they have always known me, but have they?

i don't know its weird. so fucking weird. for someone who years for acceptance and validation ever so much, im skipping out on an opportunity, it seems, to receive an abundance of love and support, from those who i need it from the most. yet i do nothing. the words dance around my mouth, but only when its closed. i can't bring myself to make that change, to cause that rift, to allow this journey of mine affect that of my family's. it feels almost like i want to protect them from me, maybe it's because i fear myself, and who i'm becoming. because she is someone who until a year ago i could not conceptualize. and i never thought she would come to fruition, but i see the steps ahead setting themselves into place. perhaps that's what i fear. uncertainty. i like to know what im going to get. and i just straight up can't imagine this future yet. im scared of my parents fearing this person i want to become. i fear them not getting it, turning their backs on me. even though they couldnt. at least my mom couldnt. but i know once i tell them, i cant untell them. i'll cease to be their son. and what, theyll call me ryan? i mean they picked it out, as my middle name, but still it feels so taboo, so vulnerable for them to call me that. it's felt like my secret. even though i've filed the name change paperwork with my school, and my family are the only people who still call me daniel. thats going to change. and that fucking terrifies me.

i go back to school today. i thought that once this week-long break was over, maybe i would have come out. there's still another 12 hours, but i feel doubtful. who knows, maybe ill walk down those stairs and just start the conversation. or ill put my headphones on, and drown out my surrounding sound until i cross that bridge this evening.

regardless of what i say to my parents in these next 12 hours, i know i get to cross the water. and thats whats keeping me going. i want to feel... something. i really thought a word would appear there, but i guess i don't know what i want to feel. maybe thats good, uncertainty. maybe i should learn to embrace it. Forever yours, ANDROMYNY

[andromyny]

Update:

Where to begin, I cant believe how little I used to see her in the mirror, Most of the time now she's all I see, Or they, I haven't quite solidified who I want to become. A stepping stone, one could say, A frog on a lilypad, Hopping down the streams of life, I find myself between two worlds, a past and future yet no present. I have rejected putting into words how these past few months have been, I have yet to put pen to paper in my journal since the new year, I feel as if I was reborn into a new potential, something I always feared yet longed for. I'm not perceived as a woman just yet, that seems to be later down the stream, A "straight" man taught me that, reminded me of the reality we live in, He reminded me of my masculinity, something I was born into yet never internalized, I still had too much of it to give off the fantasy he wanted, yet in my mind I don't think there is a necessity for a fantasy. I struggle with the contrast in how I am interpreted and how I view myself, Boys have always been of another world, Today I attempted to enter that world, Gross. My first bar, how do I make myself look older? Makeup (in the way I like to wear it) would make me look more Gen Z: younger, too much nonbinary tea. But I contoured my jawline and cheekbones, I looked like a man I would fear, I feared myself maybe, maybe I feared what I could have had to become. I was so ready to begin transitioning, But I have been holding back, I changed my name, but could only go as far as they/them, I fear the country I live in, I fear the repercussions, but I yearn for this woman I can not even visualize, yet I am utterly in love with her, she is everything that is or should be. Does that make sense? Probably not, But I took off my male drag off and feel back like myself, The eyes of the men I wanted skipped over me, they saw me as competition, I wish I was confident enough to make them see me as a girl, I wish I was ready to be a girl, this waiting game is going to be the end of me. I'm falling asleep so I fear that is all I have to say, But once I got in the car and could bring my effeminate voice back, And listen to the music I actually like rather than whatever shit they played in that straight bar, I felt like a Caged Songbird who had been set free. Peace and love,

ANDROMYNY

Where to begin on the discussion that’s never been had,

About a person who has yet to be born,

In a world that may soon cease to exist,

In the brains of someone who’s barely holding on.

Will this poem be what brings them into this life,

Starting the conversation as a means to carry it out and finish it,

Or will this poem get out what I need to forget,

Putting off the conversation for yet another few years.

We have yet to meet, yet I feel her, and sometimes can even see her,

I wonder how true this all even is?

Feeling conflictions about a concept made by man to empower men,

Something that is not real, and is not set in fact, yet forever it has felt so innate.

I hear her in the conversations with my friends,

I hear her higher voice that around some I tend to deepen,

I hear her, then silence her, in fear of her getting too loud,

Too loud to the point where I can never shut her up again.

I see her in the twinkle of my eye when I smile,

I see her in my lips, which purse up when spotted by a camera,

Then return back to normal when I remember what I’m supposed to be,

What I’m supposed to be is a man, so I dress myself as one to hide her furthermore.

Shopping for clothes proves to be difficult when I only picture girls outfits,

Each step upstairs to the mens’ is a stab in my rotted silenced heart,

Leaving all my friends to shop together, knowing I should be down there with them,

I like to dress masculine and hate being perceived as gay, but I know that’s just further from her.

I feel her in my heart, in my brain, in everything I do,

Yet I can forget for years at a time that she’s even there,

I feel excluded when not invited to girls night or to go to the bathroom with friends,

She’s always been trapped there, and I make excuses for her shouting for help.

I wonder if her and I will meet one day,

Aside from the stolen glances in the mirror when I smile,

Or the laughs where I just know its coming from her,

Only in moments of pure joy do I forget she’s not she and I’m not he; we are we, and I am she.

[andromyny]

Partying like it’s 2008

[andromyny]

My phone broke, so now I’m back to using my old iPhone 5s and the nostalgia is so real. Also been using my iPod touch 4 and everything is so 2015. Even my tumblr is old omg.

[andromyny]

i feel as though i’ve lost myself without my journal, my poems, my emotions coming to actuality as i write a poem, or as i dump everything out in mangled, emotional, gasping, run-on sentences.

my words float from the part of my mind i can’t access,

it’s not until i put pen to paper do i truly start to understand myself,

or thumbs to a screen,

regardless, i miss the cathartic nature of poetry, of literature in general.

i drown my thoughts in pixels on a screen,

i force myself to live in a cloudy dissociated state,

it’s too harsh,

i get my dopamine from chemicals,

i get my media from a screen,

i miss my books, the ones that made me think, the ones that made me feel a weight in my chest, that had me on the verge of tears, that led me to my first cry in months, because of how seen i felt.

i miss that feeling, but i fear if i get more inspired, ill want to transition further,

and it’s so scary living in this country, at this time im history; just as i started settling into myself, just as i began learning who i was.

this is quite the rant, but i feel my soul needed it. maybe someone else’s soul needs it too, who knows. there’s billions of us, (and we split people into two genders, ugh this world is wretched)

i just wish i wasn’t raised with these ideals of how i was supposed to be,

i could cry at the thought of meeting who she’d be, i just know she’d be a she. unfortunately i don’t feel like i can be seen as a she now. fuck this world.

she’d have long dark curls like the women in my family, with the natural blonde and red highlights that don’t get to shine as much as i wish they could with my short hair.

she’d wear gold jewelry with gemstones like my grandma,

she’d wear scarves in her hair, long flowy skirts,

she’d wear vibrant colors, unafraid to be seen, noticed. she’d have a gorgeous tan, never made pale from years of hiding her body for its feminine features. she’d wear gorgeous sunglasses, she’d be a model, confident enough to be on any stage. how i long to be her.

i feel as though i miss her, like a long time friend, an estranged sibling i never met. i think she’d be nicer than i am. i think her heart would shine brighter than mine does. mine feels a bit hidden, buried.

i can leave you with that. i wonder how you picture her to be. i know how i picture her, but ive only ever known myself as supposedly a man. i wonder if you picture her as i do.

[andromyny]

the category is: unheavenly bodies, sextacy

[andromyny]

oh how i love to shop

[andromyny]

just started getting with a bisexual skater male manipulator and i just know i will regret this

[andromyny]

the makeup in the light for reference

(this is when i was extremely drunk, and probably 6 hours after i put it on)

i’m so gorg

dress to impress themed bday party, i chose aquatic, zodiac sign (mine is pisces), and elements (water), cuz it was my bday and fuck the rules.

and yea it’s the most beautiful i’ve ever felt. took off the glitter and slept in the makeup and kept it in for a wee bit.

[andromyny]

i’m so gorg

dress to impress themed bday party, i chose aquatic, zodiac sign (mine is pisces), and elements (water), cuz it was my bday and fuck the rules.

and yea it’s the most beautiful i’ve ever felt. took off the glitter and slept in the makeup and kept it in for a wee bit.

[andromyny]

day after valentines

[andromyny]

been getting better

[andromyny]

this place was gorgeous omg i was so out of my tax bracket. selling ugly items for $1000+ like bye

[andromyny]