angel-slug

[angel-slug]

Date: May 06 2025

(TW??? Mentions of death? I don't know)

I'm tired and can't keep my facade, I've been breaking myself for so long that I can't remember the last time I didn't thought about dying.

Even I remember thinking about mortality at young age, the day when my grandma died, 7 year old my loved this woman since I've remembered, she was kind to me, I remember her for those two years of memory and I really felt loved, it felt so sudden one day we were with family at Modesto and the next thing she was gone.

Later I kept going to funerals, a lot of my parents' families died, a friend of a friend, a daughter of a colleague, a high school teacher, I remember the sadness of this places, sadness I could never feel correctly.

I could only think "one day that's gonna be me... I'll be sent down to never be remembered again..." And it terrified me, still does, but yet instead of living to the fullest, I let myself lose the race before even starting.

I wanted to stop existing by age 7, I'm 25 now, I'm not satisfied and I'm afraid I'll never be.

[angel-slug]

I've been avoiding writing or doing anything really, it feels like a waste to leave so much inside me and my notes app, I know is so out of nowhere and might be nonsensical, but I can only suffer over it, I want to rewire by brain.