waywardmoonexpert

[waywardmoonexpert]

I saw somewhere in an interview, "What is loneliness? If you have to explain loneliness in one line what would you say?". I paused that video for a while and said aloud, " Even in a room full of people, if you are screaming at the top of your lungs, nobody can hear you." And I shocked myself. It's not that I am heavily depressed, buy there have been many instances in my life, where I felt this feeling.

And this is indeed a very sad feeling. To feel that you are alone in a room full of people is indeed sad. I am not sad that my therapy sessions are near to end, however, I am sad that I am going to lose a space, a person with whom I can talk where there will be no judgement. Can I regulate my feelings now? Yes. But there are so many unhealed parts which are... I don't know not healed yet. Did I address them? Yes. But can I completely heal them? I hope so.

One day.

[waywardmoonexpert]

Have you thought how the world would be like if you could just say the things you feel, all the thoughts in your head, all the whispers in your heart. Will the world would be more kind? Or less?

Yesterday, when I was with my therapist, she told me that in cPTSD, there are several instances that have caused you pain and trauma which gets entangled with all your memories, and finding the link between them, is like tracing back all your past which you have left behind. This scared me. To relive those pasts, visit them again, is excruciating. People don't understand why I feel so much. Why is the intensity with which I feel is so much?

If only I can answer that question. I don't know why. To feel pain as deeply as you feel a wound, is terrible. Because the wounds that you can see, you can heal them with medicines. But what do we do about the wounds in our soul? The gaping holes that has covered my entire soul and I'm just standing there looking at the world with questions on my mind.

People say, everybody gets hurt. But have they actually talked to those people who have received blows after bliws after blows on their soul, on the same places where pain had been inflicted before? No, they don't. Because they are scared. Because the intensity with which people like us experience blows is unfathomable by many. That is why they label us, "too much". Because they have never experienced fulfilment. But then again, being content and fulfilled is subjective.

But how do I know what is the feeling of being fulfilled? Does it stay forever? Or does it depletes rapidly like a comet? Of so why? So many questions about life, but there are answers to none.

[waywardmoonexpert]

The horrible feeling one can ever get, is the feeling of getting stuck. Oh and also, not knowing what makes you worthy. You come at such crossroads in your life where you just want to run away and escape and just leave everything behind. In my mind, I am running so fast, but in reality I feel chained. I feel so stuck, so incomplete. I don't know what is my life purpose. I want change but I am terrified of any change.

I am scared of confrontations, but want to confront people who have done me wrong. What is this? What is this called? Why does it happen? The only reason I can write with so much clarity is because I am shrouded with anonymity where I don't need to explain why am I feeling so much. It feels like a curse to feel so much. Especially in a world where feeling too much is never rewarded in the healthiest way. Or rather not even accepted.

Then where do I belong? Then who am I? If my whole life is chained and I have to look through the world through barbed wires, Then why am I even alive? My whole life I have looked for people to understand me. I don't even know if my therapist understands me. But then again, what is the point? If I am unable to decipher who I am.

Everything seems to be knotted inside me like a rope which is lying heavily at the bottom of my stomach. I feel weighted by it. I feel heavy. My heart feels heavy. I feel like I have a million things but I cannot just scratch that itch. I am feeling like a failure again. I am getting scared again to rise like a Phoenix from my ashes. I am tired. When does it end? Or does it ever end? When does this cycle complete? Oh beautiful Universe what are you doing? And will the cycle ever end? Will I ever have peace?

[waywardmoonexpert]

I don't know what it is exactly after trauma survivors and hypersensitive people, we are always right. We want to be wrong, trust me, we want to be wrong. But it just doesn't happen. No matter how much you try. No matter how much you hope. People, situations, instances will make you wrong. They will make you feel that all the healing that you took with all the strength that you could muster will be all for nothing.

You know you are healing yourself when you are terrified to go back to where things were before. But when the thing which you fear the most happens, you become scared, but then you fight to protect the parts which are healing. Yes, you got to fight. With the people who are the most close to you and that requires immense strength. I fight with these people as well. And I didn't realise until now, but I am strong. I can get through this. Even though I don't believe in it. Even though I feel scared. I will tell myself repeatedly and I will tell myself continously that my life is my own. People outside don't have the power to take what is mine. Because I will not give them the power. Like Dumbeldore said, "It's takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your friends". And it takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your family. But you can. Because you and your body have fought with them before. And you can do it again. Even if it requires you to shut them out of your life.

[waywardmoonexpert]

I think the world is grey. It is neither black nor white. I mean, I'd we think about a situation or instance in our life, there exists two perspectives: from our side, and the opposite person's side. We think that what had been done to us that is wrong, and trust me, I know it is wrong. However, again, when we think, or rather I think from the other person's perspective, we think that " oh, look, they also had no choice."

I am not justifying any wrong action or situation where you have been the victim, it's just that, I don't understand who's the actual victim and the perpetrator. I understand those instances where it is crystal clear who's the hunter and who's the prey. However, I don't understand the situations, especially in relationships where both the people are at the edge of the cliff, accessing each other at the top of their lungs.

I believe our lives are decided upon the choices and decisions that we take. However, there are some people who doesn't choose to say certain things or do actions which might hurt the opposite person. But then, where is the boundary? How do you define a boundary without you hurting the opposite person?

All these questions are swirling inside my head with no correct answers. I don't know what to do, or how to think. No matter what the choices or decisions you take, you will end up hurting the other person. No matter how much you try.

[waywardmoonexpert]

Men making laugh, read boyfriends, when they get scared about giving even the "bare minimum". " I don't like it!." " Stop calling ne so many times!". First of all, I was trying to not make you feel left out, just because I have come home. But noooo, apparently it's getting too much that you have to just " talk" with your girlfriend. I mean, honey you are so right. It is indeed such a huge job and a pressure that you have to open your mouth and spend time. What a tragedy.

I think, at this point, I am not even surprised for the lack of bare minimum that I am expecting. Because it is indeed " too much". No wonder, more and more women are wanting to stay single because they are done. However, I on the other hand, is stuck like many other women, because we are just thirsty to have a home and family.

Women like me, are stuck in a paradox, where we have lost all hope in the relationship, at the same time, lost all hope to find another man. What a pickle. And this is not even a good one.

[waywardmoonexpert]

Today I want to talk about Assumptions. People assume a lot of stuff about you which may not be true, but that definitely does not stop them from forming opinions about you and then ruining a relationship with you even when it does not exist. They will never come out to say those out loud ( because God forbid! That will create a scandal!). Instead they talk behind your back like tiny little poisonous vermin who actually deserve to sit on your excreta.

Also, as days go by, I slowly realise that I am using this platform as my diary where I can say shit because people really do not know me and I bet there's hardly three people who are reading this!. There is such pleasure in anonymity that I have started loving it! Of course if I would have waited to be an influencer, I would have died in shame because of such a lack in enthusiasm, but being your regular Mary Jane, it feels liberating.

If my old self would have seen how I have become and grown then they she would have been appalled but at the same time would have been proud. Because, there was once a small girl who wanted the light and wanted to be kn the center of attention, but now the same girl wants to hide and remain in the dark. And just be anonymous.

[waywardmoonexpert]

When I sit in my therapists office and we gl over and over the details of my childhood, I realise how much trauma I had gone through. How much survival instincts I had to develop to protect myself from my family. The words they spoke, the way they behaved... I break down crying every time I try to reiterate about my childhood. Every time I get afraid of failure and disappointing others.

So, yesterday, when I told my therapist that I am scared that she will get disappointed that I am making no progress and these are going to stop, she said that, " DO you think I am really mad?" In a kind tone. That, shook me to my core.

I realise I only ever wanted love, assurance and kindness that I don't need to always be transactional to want love. I can exist on my own without always have to fight for it. It is a sad concept that you fight all the time which you deserve to receive without any explanation.

[waywardmoonexpert]

I hate it when I get engulfed by emotions especially the angry ones. I just hate it. It makes me feel small, weak, and especially it makes me feel that I am not worth it. It makes me feel that I am a scared little girl hiding under the bed.

But why? Why do I allow people to be afraid of me? Why do I allow people to let me torture me mentally, emotionally and let myself get shut down? Is it because I feel too tired to fight with them? Or is it because I feel worn out from all the battles that I had fought continuously for 25 years?

I just wanted a bit of rest, but I guess the Universe will not let me rest till I have reached my goal. That's fine with me. Because after all,

I am the daughter of the Universe.

[waywardmoonexpert]

Ohh the tragedy of being incessantly needy, when you don't have people beside you.

[waywardmoonexpert]

It's been so freaking long, that I came here and just blurted my heart out. Too many things are going on...which is making it seem difficult to write or talk about it. Understanding the differences between us have been really difficult, however, at the end again we are trying to find our balance to hold on to each other.

I seriously think that love is overrated and the idea we grew up about love is not true. Love is actually not about the rainbows and ponies but about the care, respect and the loyalty that your partner shows. I am very much still enamored with him, but I think I keep on forgetting that it's both of us are learning. That with if us will hurt each other no matter how much we try.

The only think that matters is still holding kn when the shit strikes. I don't know how much I can handle or as my counsellor likes to say, " Broaden your window of tolerance", but will I ever stop trying? I think no. Because that is the thing I never learnt.

I don't know what will happen, but I do know one thing, it's going to be scary but beautiful. Just like the little chaos inside me.

[waywardmoonexpert]

Day " I don't even care anymore ".

At this point I have just given up on him. I mean, he called, we talked, I shouted, he did abd somehow something fizzled out. See that's the thing. I always imagined that we are attached by a string and trust me I imagined that string to be broken. But then I saw something else lying beneath that string.

It looked like an invisible thick liquid-cum-air type thingy which is kind of still holding us, but it was impossible for me to cut it. It just existed, and I don't know I should be happy or sad about it. I don't know everything is just feeling very tumultuous at this point and I don't know which direction am I getting heaved into.

[waywardmoonexpert]

Day 3 of I don't know what's going on:

At this point I am just like those spaghetti noodles who don't know what's she doing or even why she's existing. It feels like weird and awkward and horrible and happy even...but at this point I just feel like I am floating in a tomato sauce and boiling in it.

[waywardmoonexpert]

Day 1: We broke up.

We broke up last night. It was gruelling. I felt like somebody has punched me repeatedly and left me to bleed out. He dumped me rather. Reasons:

1. I am too clingy.

2. I am needy.

3. I am fat.

4. I am ugly.

5. I have tortured him emotionally and ruined his mental health.

6. I am a bitch.

7. I want too much of his time.

Well, these are only few points. There were a lot more, but in truth, I have deceived him and I am no longer attractive to keep him. I ask him for his time abd priorities abd he tells me that I was the reason of him running away from me. He told me that I stopped trying. To look good for him. When in reality, I just started getting comfortable in my own skin. When in reality, I finally thought I found a home. He is now frustrated abd too done with me.

Lesson learned: That I am unworthy of love and even if I remotely try to think that I can get comfortable ever in any relationship then I am wrong. I am one of the unluckiest person who will unfortunately never find love or a home.

Current situation: It hurts like hell. My heart feels that it is bleeding, abd my legs are shaking. I have lost any shred of confidence I had. I lost my voice to speak. But, I still love him. So how do I move on from someone who I still love?

[waywardmoonexpert]

There are some mornings you just feel good. You wake up and you have this huge smile on your face. Your pillow feels right, your blanket feels like the softest cotton and the air is just cool enough to make you rub your face in your blanket. Your feet is not cold, for once! And you feel like making biscuits with your toes. I know, it might sound cliche or maybe not even original, but there are some days you just feel good. And I know you might think that feel good moment might just run away and you start living in the sadness and fear that you are losing the moment.

I think this is the reason why we ourselves kill the happiness. Because we are so accustomed of grief and sadness that any light of happiness get snuffed out with our crawling grief. I think that is where we all struggle to keep our head above the swirling waters. Because we have never been given a life jacker and we were trained our whole life to protect others. Never us. But we do learn to save ourselves eventually. When we are drowning in the cold waters and cannot breathe, we claw ourselves out and then we get to know how to survive.

[waywardmoonexpert]

I have always felt an inclination to run away. From what? I don't know exactly. It's just I want to run. Run away. To a forest. Someplace. Where nobody knows me. There are less people, and more gnarly trees. Trees so high that it covers the sky and forms a canopy above your head.

I went to a place for a vacation, here in India and it is probably one of the most beautiful places I have seen. Mind you, I have seen only three places so yeah, out of them, it is one of the beautiful places. Trees so high that I felt like I was in Narnia. The place was cold and wet and it was magical. When the clouds were moving over the mountains, it was so beautiful to look at. It was all mossy green with grey accents here and there. The forest looked so dark, quiet and mysterious. I felt like it holds some magical secrets which are forbidden to us humans.

When I looked at the jungle from afar, it was so deek and dark that sunlight could barely make it's entrance and reach the forest floor. Oh! How I wished that I would have got lost over there. It was beautiful. We humans tend to destroy everything. Nature is suppose to protect us, be our home, but we are so stupid and arrogant that we burned down the home that was meant to protect us.

I don't know I'll be ever able to live my dream of living in a forest, but I know one thing for sure that my thirst to run away from this place will never leave in this lifetime.

[waywardmoonexpert]

I don't know. I just feel like writing today. To create something. To some way get the words out of my mouth and somewhere, because I need to empty it. I need to drown some place else with my feelings and emotions because I have been feeling too much. I need to give it a direction. These things happen to me sometimes.

I become too much, I drown myself too much into my thoughts that I practically choke myself because I couldn't breathe. I introspect a lot, but sometimes it gets the best of me. I try hard to take everything slow, take it one day at a time, but when on someday these words and emotions just boil over the rim of the vessel that I have tried to trap it like a bug, it escapes. It just escapes and then there I am staring at nothingness and asking everything that I am aware of me.

I start to question everything around me. I have heard about Pandora box, but never actually seen one. Some might say that it had never existed while the others might argue they have existed. I think I believe in the later part of the group where I firmly believe the existence of that Box. Because I possess one. In that box it lies all the broken, forgotten pieces of me which I have hastily kept it inside and close the lid for the fear of anybody seeing them.

But here I am, poring my heart out to strangers I have never seen or heard of. That oddly feels comforting. Safe. The fact that nobody will come and jump at your throat because you feel too much. Or you think too much. Or you question everything too much. I think being anonymous with no name, no face, no relations and no strings is oddly liberating. Strange isn't it?

You spend your entire life finding uoir identity when you truly know that you will be comfortable only when you are a nobody.