angelickoowts-blog

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EVERYTHING RELATE

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I am tired. Yes it is tiring to do the same routine everyday and especially when people around is just too uncooperative and not helping. When people around just notice all my short coming and keeps on be littling my capabilities.  When people around me wants to lock me up inside and even when I wanted, no, needed to go for an interview they find ways to make me stay home and insist not to go out the house. And they talk about me to other people telling them I'm not finding time to look for a job. Really pissed right now. I have to be honest here, I cry inside with all the tears unflowing not showing it to people and to the kids. I am fighting and wanting to get out from this place. It is a struggle for me and it is hard to deal with these close minded people who thinks that they are God. I keep telling myself that all these crap will come to an end. It sucks. I am in deep mourning for myself. I feel like dying inside and  physically disabled. I want to scream and be away. I want to get l9st somewhere where no one knows me and start a new  life. Fck my world.

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I'm having a random thought mixed with some emotional state of thinking right here right now guys. "How is it to be a mother at an early age?" this question just came in mind and the only thing I could say is it's an emotional roller coaster ride. I mean it is hard to raise your own child, it is easy for some people to pay other people to take good care of their children but to raise them in a way you want it is a hard thing. And to be in charge of taking good care of my niece while nursing my lil girl makes it a double trouble kind of thing. I mean, I want them to grow in their own image and to be their own selves but somehow I haven't found a way on how to discipline both kids and have fun. I'm really having a hard time with that matter and I know I am failing in this. I often make the kids cry while disciplining them and when we're having fun they don't listen to me at all. I am a short tempered person but I am really trying to stretch myself into understanding and trying to take things out to the kids but it doesn't really work. It really is a heartbreaking scene when I see the kids crying and asking for something they shouldn't have for that certain time and they just whine and everything like it is really annoying at times and I couldn't get myself into not yelling and stuff and I feel sorry for them that they have me to take good care of them. I'm a horrible mom. I need a break and help asap. :(

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I'm feeling drastically down. I don't know how awful my life is in the eyes of my parents. I can't be anything else but a pain in the ass. Why am I so not the kind of person who they could be proud of?! I don't know. I feel so little right now. I'm so sick of myself. Why do I have to be such a mess. Everything I do is wrong. Every word I say  always comes out wrong. I feel like I am a curse to this family. Why do they have to be so good that everything I do is not enough to what my parents can be proud of? I can't stop comparing myself to my siblings because nothing else I do is a good did to my parents. Why?! Why do I have to be a person they could not be proud of??!! Nakakapang liit lang. Alam ko ang kakayahan ko pero bakit sa lahat nalang nang bagay at sa lahat ng ginagawa ko walang wala parin ako sa kung ano ang tingin nila sa mga kapatid ko. Ang sakit talga. Bumaon na lahat lahat sa puso ko ang sakit. Kaya ba sa lahat nalang ng okasyon  na nangyayari sa buhay ko hindi nila mapuntahan kasi nakakahiya talaga ako? Nahihiya ba kayo na may anak kayong failure? Akalo nila hindi ko napapansin yung ikinahihiya nila ako sa mga kakilala nila. Bata palang ako nung sinabi nang nanay ko na sana tinapon nalang daw niya ako. Sana nga nangyari nalang yun. Para lumaki man akong walang pamilya, at least hindi ganito. Hindi sa araw araw na nabubuhay ako eh kelangan kong maramdaman na sa sarili kong pamilya gustong gusto nila akong mabura sa landas nila. Ano nga ba silbi ko ditoo bakit andito pa ako? Nakakawalang ganang mabuhay. Bakit kasi ako pinalaki na mayhinanakit sa puso. Bakit kasi ako pinalaki na walang pagmamahal na naipakita. Bakit pa ako nabuhay?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Well I guess I miss a lot of everything. But when you grew older and lots of bullshits happen to you, you won’t think of a second about doing what you used to do because you’ll get too busy thinking how to turn hell into heaven.

One. Things have been rough and out of control but theres so much to be thankful for. Life, children, air we breath, the sun, sky, and the bright stars we see on repeat. The flowers that bloom, the rain that pours. Theres so mch to see and be thankful about. Though negative things out numbered it all it’s how we see things that matter.

Two. Hating. Yes I have a lot of hatred in me not because things have been tough but because of the people and other circumstances that makes it even hard to bare all of this. I think I really need a psychiatrist or a psychologist maybe or a true friend who’s wlling to listen and understand and share a piece of advice. Someone mature enough to talk to.

Three. Positive thinking. I forgot how this thing works. I ussually find the positive side of all things but it seemed that reality is reality and evwn if I try hard to see the bright side of everything there is always this part where I just want to break down throw a heavy punch in the air.

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Please do me a favor. When all things are out of control and the time has come that I must surrender my life to our beloved father  please don't let anyone in my family know about my blog. Cause this all are crap and so much full of hatred and negativities of a second where my mind has been cluttered with all the fckin unnecessary emotions. I want them to just live on and forget all about me when I leave. Its enough that I have been a burden to them for so long and my words that have been written will surely make them feel even worse. Thank you. :)

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if horrific means horrible why does terrific not mean terrible i hate the english language

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“I don’t hate people. I just feel better when they aren’t around.”

Charles Bukowski (via subconscis)

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I seldom flash a big smile and I hated those times when I smiled at someone and they just stand there looking back at me and putting an awkward facial reaction and I was like 'the fuck did I do eh?'

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You don't buy your kids happiness. Toys and good clothes lightens the pain in a minute or two but the emotional pain and feeling of being bought and ignored will scared inside forever.

Lots of parents thinks that when they provide everything like food, shelter, fancy clothes, and all the basic needs and all the 'wants' their kids will ask from them they think that things will be okay. I am one of the thousands of children that was raised like this. We are not rich nor poor but we started with nothing.  We can afford good stuff but can't get everything we want when we want it. Money is evil. It takes away the people you love. It takes away all the kindness in the world. It takes the respect and all the goodness in people. We are a slave of this piece of paper. I hate it. And who says the poorest people are sad? I guess they're the most happy people on earth. Why? Because even when they son't have everything they still get the value of family. They have the kindest heart and they are humble. The respect people. Some are not educated but know the meaning of humanity and they put it into action. They aren't greedy. They might not have something to offer like food or a nice house to stay in but they offer love and caring. They know what sympathy really means unlike the others that they do it for show. And that most of us people lack. It is saddening that we are really being coruppted by wealth.

I need time with people not, people who's willing to listen and give advices, someone whom I can run to when I am deeply hurt, happy or just want to be funny. Not people with brains and money but does not offer any sympathy or care. Not people who only cares about is themselves. Someone mature enough to understand that not all things is about them. Not self centered enough to show that they also care about others feelings. I need my parents to underatand this because we all are getting older and we need time to spend together as a family. But I guess were not gonna have all these things happen because money is on the top of their priority lists and being rich is more important that famiky now a days. :(

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More Facts on Psychofacts :)

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I admit I am but a pain in the ass to my parents. The only child of theirs that gives nothing but problem. They had called me the blacksheep of the family and everything negative but still they kept me and still they want me in their life. I am thankful for that. But to tell you the truth I think I became like this because they have given me things I want and even the things I dont want but not their time. I was blessed with 4 siblings but in times that I needed them to be my friend, mentor, and someone to lean on when I am troubled they weren’t there. We are 7 in the family my parents included and I, as the last child of the family, was left out. My mother who’s taking good care of all of us have little time on me (thats how I’m feeling) because my siblings needed her most of the time leaving me doing my things on my own. Understanding everything on my own. They never asked me if I am doing good in school or if there is something bothering me or someone bullying me. When dinner comes and we eat around the table and I got something to tell, siblings interrupt and they would never let me speak about it again. They make fun of me when I misspronounce a word or did something out of the ordinary. And when I think I am good at something mom and other siblings always compare me to rest of the world and would think that I am no better than them. I was belittled by my own family that is why I grew up thinking Im no good kid and I mess up all things. Never appreciated and will never be good enough. I had lots of self issues and my confidence is low. I know I got talent but they think it is not enough to be proud of. My uncles and aunts told me I was an ugly kid and my mother never said otherwise when I thought mother would always say to their child how good and beautiful they are. She didn’t. So I grew up believing what they said about me was all facts. Iam a lonely kid.  I am 21 now and still the treatment is the same. But I think of myself differently now. I know I am talented and just a little of polishing and practice will make me good enough but the thing is my past keeps coming back and is pulling me hard. All their words and all the silent cries I had keeping me from doing great things. I am so screwed and I don’t know how to get out of this. I want to break free but so afraid to make mistakes and be criticize. I need help. :(

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