angnvz - Tumblr blog

[angnvz]

I will turn and forget

kneel down for 

agree to be separate parts

each one ready for theirs

leave when i’m told 

backbend into a yes 

roll into my own ending

erase everything chosen 

pretend there is an answer

to numb the shame that pulls

on me when I obey the one 

found me becoming

the mouth that creates 

the mother that waves me away

I speak into the injury 

and call it my daughter

together we create new identities 

to support the grief 

that was cut out of me 

needing to be touched

where I am missing 

I will take your hand to it

if you agree to stay awake 

the whole time I was falling

knowing it was my right 

the side of me that stung

to sing about the lack 

I see, this is why 

I am the better misrepresentation

we agree to one thing 

the story about trash collecting

in abandoned places 

holding our breath for more

wanting to be 

the last one to remember

the details of my initiation 

matter to someone somewhere

enough to be carved out

and elevated

to be seen without a plan 

to have a wish

to inform the world of my wish

and to burn because of it.

[angnvz]

a soundless reach over head 

my interpretation drips into 

scene: asking the river for more

to breaststroke into your heaven

entering a place only 

an exhale away 

softening the center 

there is power there

in the warm sockets 

your teeth rest against

intelligent threads 

bind us accurate

and in silence somewhere,

melted-down core feeling

sticks to the walls 

like old narrative that

begins with 

‘I deserve nothing’

what comes from

our tangled up bodies:

new star shapes 

tracing possibility

breathing 

like I know

a greater expansion

your eyes, the medicine

in this story, and I am

committed to many illnesses

holding my hands out,

saying it without saying it,

the medicine makes everything

slow

it becomes my answer 

for everything 

being true at the same time

holding my hands out 

as a child does

before knowing

what is being given.

[angnvz]

TO BE PULLED BACK

FROM THE MOMENT OF BEING FED

TO BE CAUGHT IN THE LOOP OF 

OTHERNESS 

UN-ASKED 

I CAN REPEAT WHERE I HAVE BEEN

WITH AN ACCURACY THAT SERVES 

ONLY THE LEFT SIDE OF MY EXPERIENCE 

LINGERING OVER THE THREAT

OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BE LEFT

THIS IS THE START OF RECONCILIATION

BETWEEN MYSELF AND 

EVERY REFLECTIVE SURFACE IN MY HOME

I FIND NOTHING WHERE I BURIED IT

I AM CARRIED BACK INSIDE 

I LIKE TO THINK OF MYSELF

AS AN EXTRACTED PART 

BELONGING NO MORE

OF THE SAME:

THE INVERSE REACTION TO

SEEKING -

IF IT WERE UP TO ME 

I WOULD HAVE NEVER STOPPED 

SITLL, I AM THE ONE GUIDING

THE PRESSURE ON THE WOUND

FULL OF EXPECTATION, STILL BREATHING

INTO UNMET NEEDS THAT DID NOT SURVIVE

THE FIRST TIME

THEY WERE ALL SEEN EXITING 

THE TOP OF THE HEAD

THE SAME PLACE

WHERE THE TEETH MARKS SURVIVE

AS  A SIGNAL OF AN EARLY INTRODUCTION 

TO A PLACE IN ME THAT 

I CANNOT ENTER WITHOUT 

AN IMAGINED SCREEN 

TO CONTRAST THE DARK MATTER 

THERE IS NO PROMISE HERE 

ABOUT MAKING A HOME AT THE BOTTOM

THE FINAL EXPRESSION IS SEEN, FELT,

IN THAT ORDER: 

A CONVULSION THAT ASKS FOR 

EQUAL RESPONSE 

[angnvz]

TO NAME WHAT PRECEDED THE IMAGE OF A BODY DEPRESSED AT THE CENTER OF WHAT HOLDS THERE IS REASON TO PRACTICE EXTENDED DIVISION THE LAYER BETWEEN YOU AND THE GROUND IS THERE HAS ALWAYS BEEN UNDOING TO BE DONE ERASE WITH INTENT TO REACT THERE IS A GOAL SOMEWHERE HERE AND THEN THERE IS WHAT IS BEING ACTED OUT I AM THE ONE THAT IS HERE TO ADJUST TO THE VACANCY NOBODY OBJECTS TO THE IDEA BUT NOBODY WANTS TO SLEEP HERE EITHER THE STORY REMAINS THE ANSWER IS THE OTHER WAY CANNOT EXPAND WITHOUT FINDING OUT MORE THE DEFENSES HAVE GIVEN OUT AND THERE IS NOBODY LOOKING FOR ME NONE OF US ARE PREPARED FOR THE SENSUALITY OF RELYING ON ANOTHER FOR SURVIVAL THE ESCAPE ROUTE AVAILABLE COMES AT THE PRICE OF SELFHOOD IT IS THAT EXTREME TO CONTORT AGAINST AN EXPERIENCE THERE IS THE SURVIVING ASSUMPTION THAT EVERYTHING IS HERE FOR ME I AM THE ONE TO DISRUPT THIS VEIL THAT SEPARATES ME FROM MY KNOWING WHAT KIND OF LIFE CAN BEGIN IN THE ABSENCE OF A CONSTANT ELECTRICAL CURRENT PAIN KEEPS ME AWAKE AND PERPETUALLY READY TO DEFEND MY POINT OF VIEW HAVING BEEN AMPUTATED FROM THE SOURCE OF WHAT WAS ONCE MY ONLY SOURCE I HAVE BEEN PREPARED IN SUCH A WAY TO CONTINUALLY BE ASSESSING THE CONDITIONS BEING THE SOLE REASON FOR EXISTING THIS WAY REMOVES THE WEIGHT OF UNDERSTANDING WHAT WAS TAKEN FROM ME 

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