annedroidwrites

[annedroidwrites]

Getting over a cold and it's like: I have enough energy that I don't need to/can't sleep all day but I don't have enough energy to do any actual tasks or anything. So I'm just killing time and it's so frustrating.

[annedroidwrites]

I just want someone to take care of everything for me. Just for a week, a month, so I can rest. All I do is sleep and yet I cannot rest. There's too much.

[annedroidwrites]

I'm going to the doctor on Wednesday. And it's supposedly the start of finding out what's wrong with me, right? But there's so much wrong with me.

We got:

Fatigue

Dizzy spells

Lightheadedness

Sleep Issues

Acid Reflux

Stomach pain

Loss of Appetite

And some of those only started recently. Like, I don't think this doctor is going to be ready for me to dump all of this in their lap but also: please help me. I am in pain.

[annedroidwrites]

Hate when it's one of those days where I'm too tired to sit up and do things but I'm not tired enough to actually sleep. So I'm just laying in bed, mouldering.

[annedroidwrites]

I forgot that I can like, listen to music and enjoy it. I'm simply happy for the first time in a month and a half.

Depression and fatigue can make you drift from the things you love but you can get them back. Or find something new to bring joy.

[annedroidwrites]

I keep thinking: after this nap, this day spent in bed, this week doing nothing, I'll feel better. But better isn't a thing anymore

[annedroidwrites]

4 Things You Can Feel

I feel the warmth of the spray on my chest

I feel the AC slipping through the gap in the shower curtain

I feel the too small sides of the tub

I feel my fucking stomach hurting

I feel the rebound spray on my face

I feel a drop of water down my spine

I feel the tub about to overflow

I feel my fucking stomach hurting

I feel the bile creeping up my esophagus

I feel the pounding of my heart

I feel the lightness of my head

I feel my fucking stomach hurting

I feel a single deep breath

I feel the meds slowly take effect

I feel my pillow beneath me again

I feel my stomach hurting

[annedroidwrites]

Just imagining all the things I could do in a day back in college. And now walking a couple blocks downtown and playing a boardgame has me spoonless for days.

"Well, you're out of practice," my brother says, as if maybe I'll do enough yoga and I'll be able to get back there. And I just don't think that's true.

[annedroidwrites]

All I've done today is sleep, eat and change my tampon.

[annedroidwrites]

I DO NOT like these new heartburn panic attack combos.

[annedroidwrites]

The things my uterus is coming up with lately are ridiculous.

First month: PMS but no blood. Bizarre but I looked it up and it seemed like occasionally that just happens. No egg sent, no bleeding. Fair enough.

Second month: I bleed more heavily than usual but mostly a normal period. Okay, fine.

Third month: just spotting, not much blood. Hmmm... Sensing a pattern but could be nothing.

Fourth month: I bled for 17 days straight. And not lightly either, blood apocalypse, bled through 3 pairs of underwear a day cause I couldn't keep up kinda blood. That was very bad but now we're like: hey, maybe super early menopause? Please let it be menopause.

Fifth month (current): start off with a week? of spotting. And now we're up swinging into that heavy bleeding again I think. I don't like this and I would like it to stop please.

This doesn't really have a point but I needed to put it down somewhere at 3am when I woke up to change tampons cause I'd bled through again.

[annedroidwrites]

My money situation is not looking great and while I have my brother to support me it's still bad to look at. So I looked up applying for unemployment and there's no way I qualify. And I think even if I could get someone to declare me disabled I wouldn't qualify for those benefits either. And I'm scared. I will not starve or be homeless but soon I will not be able to buy anything on my own. I will have to ask my brother for everything. The loss of independence and freedom is daunting. I don't know what to do about it. Get a job I guess. Even tho I sleep 12 hours a day and my panic attacks are back.

[annedroidwrites]

Dr: people with these kind of stomach problems usually lose weight because they stop eating because it hurts

Me: Ah, but you see sir: I am a fucking idiot and will continue to eat even when it hurts because I'm stupid.

[annedroidwrites]

Chronic illness is so isolating. Telling people about it gets them stressed and upset and I don't want that. But I also don't want to go through it alone. I'm scared and in pain. I don't want you to lose sleep over knowing that but I need you to know that that's what I'm going through.

[annedroidwrites]

I would shit out my GI tract inch by inch if this pain would stop.

[annedroidwrites]

My stomach is trying to kill me.

[annedroidwrites]

Fun fact: if you sleep a chronic fatigue's worth of sleep you can unlock pre-industrial first sleep and second sleep.

Unfortunately, instead of reading or correspondence I spend my time between the two just trying to mitigate pain.