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[anns-anxious-life]

perhaps it is easier to believe in fairy tales than it is to believe someone could love our flaws as dearly as they love the wildflowers along the side of the path or as fondly as they love their favorite mug with its chipping paint. or dare i say, perhaps it is easier to let someone love us shallowly than it is to let them in to the deepest corners of our minds and hearts—

[anns-anxious-life]

11/16/20

I guess I have just been struggling a lot recently with mental health and I didn’t realize it really until the other day when I called my mom just to see how she was doing and she told me that I sounded really sad and not like myself and asked what was wrong and I mean I didn’t have anything to say. Nothing is specifically wrong, everything is just difficult right now. And I get that lots of people are feeling this way because of COVID but saying that just seems to invalidate how I feel. Like they are saying I need to stop complaining and pull it tighter. I’m trying. But clearly not succeeding.

Jr High School was not a good time in my life. I was depressed, nothing could make me smile or laugh, I just wanted to be alone all the time. Looking back I always thought that at least I would never be in that place mentally again, I overcame that and moved on. But I feel like I am sliding back there again. And I don’t know how to prevent it. I don’t understand how this could happen, I thought I was doing everything right. I have friends now, a boyfriend, a nice roommate, a better relationship with my mom and brother, two wonderful pets. I have it all, but inside I feel like I have nothing. I should be happy but I am not. And I don’t know what to do. I am stuck here and I don’t know how to get out.

[anns-anxious-life]

The absence of Romanticism

8/27/20

I am somehow surprised by the lack of romanticism in real life. I don’t know why I expected some aspects of life to be like a novel, with drama and vibrancy in normal interactions and in the small things that make up a day. It feels like nothing matters sometimes, my actions may have consequences but they aren’t consequences I will feel, it will just be another step in the unmoving unchanging path of life.

I want things to matter. I want my feelings to be validated, but all too often others or I just assume I am being dramatic, nothing has meaning in the real world. You don’t need to be feeling anything about what is occurring around you, how you feel doesn’t matter.

[anns-anxious-life]

Back to School

8/10/2020

I am driving back to school in a couple of days. All in good time too, I am definitely ready to go. I can’t live properly when I am here with my family. We just have so many issues and conflicts, I really need to  go my own way. I think this is partly just growing up, I am ready for my own space and my own life, and it’s difficult to have been stuck here for so long when I feel that way. But I just have to get through these next days and then everything will be fine.

In other news, I was supposed to have a video call with my boyfriend tonight, so this morning I got dressed and did my hair and all of that. Then a couple hours later he canceled, and wanted to talk tomorrow instead. Which is fine in that I understand stuff comes up unexpectedly and all that. But he has rescheduled so many times, changed the times of our calls many times, and just been late a fair share of times. And part of me can’t help but feel maybe he just isn’t as invested as me? I mean I got out of bed this morning excited because I would get to talk to him today, and we haven’t actually talked- only texted- for over a week now. And it was kind of disappointing to have him push it off yet again. Maybe it’s all only because for a while I had been worrying that I was getting to attached to him. It’s kind of a lot, isn’t it? He makes one careless decision that shouldn’t even matter and I am a little hurt. Am I just reading too much into this? I mean yes, he compliments me fairly often, and says nice things but I am having a hard time seeing that followed through in his actions. I thought he was perfect, maybe this was my fault for thinking he couldn't or wouldn’t make any mistakes?

Perhaps I should just talk to him about this, but it seems dumb. Plus this is our last video call before I move back, then we will see each other in person, maybe this whole problem will just disappear then? If it doesn’t certainly I will talk to him. It just feels like he has such a busy life and so much stuff going on, and I am here with not much going on, waiting for him to call, waiting to talk to him, and it’s dumb, it’s dumb for me to be sitting around waiting for him while he’s stepping back from spending time with me to do other stuff because he’s just so busy. What if this is just how it is, what if he’s always busy like this? And it’s an active challenge for him to carve out any time for me? I mean I am not the most social person, I like being alone quite a bit, but I don’t want to feel like I am not important to him. And there’s this continual thought in the back of my mind- is this all worth it? Me analyzing these details too much, worrying and thinking about all of this when clearly he is not doing that. What am I gaining from this experience? For every nice thing about being with him, I have a fear or concern it seems. And what do I do when I talk to him, what if all of these feelings disappear? Are they still valid? Or am I just so desperate to be with him that I am ignoring issues? Because I am not desperate to be with him, I don’t want to care one way or the other ideally, but I know that is impossible. I don’t want to give him the power to hurt me. But if I don’t do that then we won’t have a proper relationship, will we? Oh I don’t know what to do

[anns-anxious-life]

My Dad

7/22/2020

Oh to write about my dad. That could be a short novel. But recently my mom has been talking about all of us having a better relationship. So she gets really bold and decides to discuss it with him for once. He hates talking. Talking about problems is even worse, he likes to pretend everything is fine. They talked for a long time, my mom pouring her heart out about the attainable life she wants, essentially just having a better relationship with all of us. My dad says she’s being irrational, that only women want relationships, that he does not see a problem. He basically never talks to us, especially when we are gone at college. And if he does it’s over some trivial matter, not something of any significance. But more than that, he said he doesn’t really care if he has a relationship with my brother or me, that people move off and away from eachother, that’s life, no need to maintain contact. With his own children. Then he went beyond that, to say that neither my brother nor I are pleasant to be around right now, that I’m too moody-and who wants to be around that, and that my brother has a strange attitude right now. He said that, to my mom, about us, behind our backs. Afterwords, my mom kept telling me that it’s okay that we can’t all have a good relationship, at least we know that he loves us. Does he? If someone loves you shouldn’t you see it in their actions? Shouldn’t they at least want to talk to you ever, if they love you?

But today. So I’ve made it clear throughout my whole life that I do not want to have kids. I have never had any desire for that, and I have made that very clear to both of my parents many times. They were discussing getting an RV at dinner, my brother and I both saying the lifestyle wasn’t for us. Then my dad says that it’s okay, maybe, one day when I have loads of kids he can take them on a trip in the RV. I told him no, asked him when I have ever given him any indication that I would be having any kids? He acted like I was just a kid, that one day I’ll grow up to know better, and to give him his grandchildren. He doesn’t care to have a relationship with his own kids, yet he wants grandkids. Even expects them, from me. He made a point to say even that he believed I wouldn’t have just a couple of kids, but many. Why did he do this? It certainly was not a joke. Why do women have to be pressured into having kids? Especially by their own parents? One major contributing fact to me not wanting kids is because my dad was never there growing up, and my mom had to do everything by herself, and I do not want that for myself. I am so upset by the occurrences of tonight, of the past few days. I am ready to move out of here, luckily I only have a few weeks left. It is taking so much for me not to confront him. But there would be no point in that, he never listens and never changes.

[anns-anxious-life]

Hair and Family

7/6/2020

I’d like to start off by talking about my experience at dinner tonight, during which we were all eating peacefully until out of the blue my brother looks at me and tells me my hair looks stupid. Okay, it was kind of childish, so whatever, but he goes on to talk about how bangs look so bad and that no one should have them, that mine look like I cut them myself and I looked really bad. I did not ask for his opinion, nor did I appreciate receiving it. But whatever, he has never been the most kind person, and I quite like my hair, so it shouldn’t matter. 

Oh but I must talk about last night as well. Last night, when my family was gathered and playing some board games, my stomach started hurting, quite a bit. And I had a headache the previous day so I wasn’t sure if I was getting sick or what, but in the moment I was in a fair amount of discomfort, and I told my mom so because I wished to be excused from the family activity to go lie down. When my dad decides to join in and say “maybe she’s pregnant” and laugh at his own statement. I did’t respond, but I can’t explain how upset that made me. I was on the fence about telling my parents about my boyfriend, I wasn’t going to do it, except he asked me if my parents knew about him and I had to say no, they didn’t, then I wanted to right that. I sat down in my dad’s office and told him, and I guess I should have expected it to come back to bite me in the form of such comments. It is upsetting because it undercut my current pain, and held implications that make absolutely no sense because I am currently in a different state, hundreds of miles away from said boyfriend. My dad seems to generally focus on himself, he doesn’t think about other people, or how they may feel if he says something. He has hurt my mom as well countless times with his careless speech.

So my family has thus been somewhat difficult as of late. I am all the more ready to get back to school and out of this house, hopefully never to return to stay for any amount of time close to what the duration of this summer has been.

[anns-anxious-life]

A Story to Tell?

June 24. 2020

Okay so of course, I’ve been stressed lately. About a lot of things. I’ve got to apply to the masters program this summer and just hope I am accepted. If I am not I have no idea what I will do with my life. Then I wrote an article for the student journal which was accepted, but I saw a draft the other day as they will be publishing it soon and there were some grammatical errors and such that were not in the draft I sent them. So I don’t know what happened, and I don’t want to look like an idiot, but I don’t know that there is anything I can do now. I’ve gotten emails from my apartment with tedious tasks I need to deal with. It’s just a lot. I have multiple books started, multiple projects going, and it’s all just a bit much.

I told my parents about my boyfriend yesterday, my dad was surprised. And he asked a million questions. I only told them because he had asked if my parents knew he existed and I had to say no, and he said it was fine and that it didn’t really matter but it didn’t seem fine to me, so I told them. But now it seems all the more real, maybe too real. Like maybe I wasn’t ready for this. I wasn’t even ready to properly be in a relationship with him, I didn’t think he was going to ask me until the school year started again. And I don’t know, I didn’t want to say no and lose him, so I said yes. And I mean it doesn’t really matter I suppose because not that much has changed between us anyway because we are still long distance and will be all summer. But I’ve just gone over it in my mind again and again and I wonder if it’s a mistake. And I’ve told him I have OCD but that’s it, I spared him the details, the realities. But I am not so sure that was right of me. I think I should tell him, so he may know what he’s really gotten himself into. But it’s going to go so fast, from cute and quirky to just annoying and obnoxious. And I mean I guess it’s better to have it all out in the open now. It would hurt less now than later. I don’t know what I’m scared of when I really think of it. Being vulnerable, showing him that I’m so much weaker and less confident than I want to be I suppose is the root of the concern in opening up. I feel like I would just burden him with it all. And I have nothing to give him. I think he will want to help and support me but I don’t know that I want that because that’s too much to ask or to even want from anyone. What is he getting out of this relationship anyway? I feel so needy. At times I feel like I should break it off, for his own good. Save him from me. I don’t know.

[anns-anxious-life]

2/10

6/14/2020

Well I am back, so you know it’s been a day. This day really started yesterday evening. My parents were having a family friend over today and I was very anxious about it because this guest and I hadn’t gotten along too well in the past and I generally didn’t like how he had interacted with me. Thus I was anxious for today, but of course my parents don’t care at all. They have to be some of the least supportive parents ever. They don’t care about my problems or about anything I want. They just want whatever they want. And that was fine when I was a kid but I’m an adult. I want to and should be independent. I’m counting the hours until I move out in the Fall. Anyway, this guy comes, it’s not too bad, I’m definitely uncomfortable at times and he made a few comments that really didn’t need to happen. I feel like he’s just undermining who I am, making me into some vapid, clueless girl. And I hate that. My parents don’t care, and are inviting more friends over next week.

Being here with my family is ironically incredibly isolating. I have no friends here and there is so much my family can’t offer, such as any support in any way, and indication that they care about my happiness or wellbeing. Instead I just get constant critisism and I’m so tired of it. I feel so alone, it’s just me against the whole world, I don’t even have my family on my side, who I thought were supposed to be the one group of people who had your back. I know that they must love me but what good is it if I don’t see it in their actions or in their words? I don’t want anything. I’m fine being out of here, on my own somewhere. It’s being stuck here with them that’s the problem. Because they certainly aren’t adding any great benefit to my life, but instead they are creating so many unnecessary problems and struggles. And this isn’t how it should be. I want to be free of people.

[anns-anxious-life]

Down Day

5/3/2020

I stayed up too late last night, I’d like to think that’s the core of my issues but I know there is more than that. Maybe I’m just at a crossroads. I feel very stressed and anxious, OCD is on the rise again. I know I’m making choices that aren’t good yet I continue. My dad is stressing me out and I have let him convert a fun painting project into a stressful mess, and I just want to finish it so he will get out of my hair about it, stop constantly checking in on my progress and asking why it’s taking so long. I hate the pressure of it.

My family eats dinner promptly at 5, which I think is really early. Today I was working and loss track of time and looked at the clock to see it was 8 minutes passed 5. I could hear my family eating dinner and I really didn’t want to walk in there to have them watch as I got my food to join them and have them ask why I was late and poke fun. I really just was not up for having to put up with that today. Then they would see I was kind of unhappy today and start asking questions, not genuine “how are you feeling” but questions that would indicate that I had no right to be upset, that I should be happy always and they deserved for me to be happy. So yeah I just didn’t go in for dinner. Not today. And 3 1/2 hours have passed and I still don’t have it in me to go in there. I just want to be alone. I don’t want to talk. I need space. And I still don’t know what to do about my boyfriend. I don’t want to tell him about this. He shouldn’t have to deal with this. But I’m going to talk to him tomorrow and what, pretend that everything is completely fine? That’s what I usually do. I feel like I am lying. But is it okay if I am doing it to protect him from all this, whatever it is? This happens too often. It’s not like a thing that goes down every now and then, it would be too much. He would be annoyed that this keeps happening. It’s not his job to have to deal with me, not like this. And besides, I dont want to have to depend on him or anyone else. I just don’t know what is happening.

[anns-anxious-life]

Another Day

May 24, 2020

Okay maybe I am the worst. We saw some family friends today, people my brother and I haven’t seen or talked to in quite a long while because we have both been at college. And the minute they saw him they were absolutely gushing about him going to graduate school. Saying how amazing he is, people patting him on the back and calling him out, people who hardly know him. Then they look at me and don’t say a single thing, and walk away. Like I’m not even worth talking to. Don’t get me wrong I’m so happy for my brother. But it just hurts. I feel like I’ll never be good enough and anything I do, I’ll never measure up to him. And it doesn’t help that my dad treats it like a competition, pitting us against eachother to get the best grades and such. I’m just tired of it all. Of being compared and of not being able to measure up. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to go back to school. I don’t think about these things there, I don’t have to deal with it there.

I’m just not doing well. I’m over analyzing everything, every interaction with everyone. My mom isn’t doing well health wise. My great grandma is dying. My parent’s relationship is not good and I don’t want to have to try to keep standing between them and trying to reduce tensions in their conversations. My mom has no one to talk to about her challenges so she talks to me, which is completely fine, but in turn I have no one to talk to. I’m not going to give her anything to worry about. And I’m trying to help out around the house more so she has less to worry about and I was trying to get my brother to help out to but he has no interest in that. And I have to leave again in the fall, I want to leave again, but I know it’s going to crush my mom and I don’t want to do that. It’s just all too much right now.

[anns-anxious-life]

More Online Classes

5/18/2020

We just got an email today stating that any classes with more than 40 people in them will be changed to online classes for the Fall semester. That means that three of my classes are going to be online. I don’t know if I can do this again. I was so looking forward to having classes in-person. Last semester was so hard being online, I never wanted to do that again, and I don’t know why but I believed that I wouldn’t have to. 

I know that there must be positives to this. I understand that these are potentially beneficial precautions to be taking. It just sucks a little bit that I get to miss out on classes again. I won’t learn as much as I could if I was there. And I wanted to spend time with friends and all that. At this point I feel that I have been able to truly live two years in the course of my existence. Is that where it ends? Two years is a long time, am I selfish for wanting more? My life was so good before this, far better than I deserve, yet I want it back. 

In the Fall I will be moving back to campus. I still have two classes that so far are supposed to be held in-person. So that is very good. And one of those is studio. Plus I should still be able to do my school work on campus. One of the greatest challenges of the classes being moved online is the lack of division in my life between school and everything else. In the Fall I should be able to keep school stuff on campus and everything else at my apartment, so that should be very good. I know that everything is going to be alright. It just came as a kind of shock earlier when we found out about the whole online class thing. I dream of the day when life is completely back to normal.

[anns-anxious-life]

Weird Day

5/15/2020

I don’t know what happened. I woke up and I just didn’t feel very well today. I felt really anxious about how I have been spending my time, and kinda wasting it, so I decided to start a drawing project today. And I did that and worked on that for a long time, then around 4 I noticed my back was kind of hurting from the way I was leaning over my desk, so I laid down on the floor to stretch out my back and accidentally fell asleep. My mom came in around 5:15 and scared the life out of me, she didn’t realize I was asleep and she just started saying stuff, and I was just like woah you scared me, and she kept talking, and I honestly have no recollection of what she said and I was just saying woah, woah, woah, and I was going to tell her I wasn’t feeling well but she was gone then I may have fallen asleep again, I don’t know it’s kind of a blur. But I heard my family talking about me falling asleep on the floor and I don’t exactly know what’s going on. I eventually got up, off the floor and I looked at my hair and it was such a mess, I took a shower earlier and when I laid on the floor my hair was still wet and it dried how it was laying and it’s a mess. Anyway I still don’t feel well, my stomach is just not here for it and my head hurts and my whole body kind of aches and I hate that my family is talking about me and I feel so exhausted.

[anns-anxious-life]

Sliding away

May 13, 2020

Alright alright that time again guys, I’m freaking out. I guess it’s a lot of things, I’m back home but I don’t want to be here. I don’t want anything right now. I talked with The Guy yesterday but I don’t know if I want to be with him. I just feel so stressed about it all. He hasn’t texted me since early this morning, he’s probably busy. He has lots of friends he’s been hanging out with. By comparison, I have no friends back home here, so I only have my family for the next couple of months, and it is going to drive me insane. This guy is always there for his friends, I can not be someone else that he has to be there for, he doesn’t need that. I have so so many things I’m trying to work through that frankly, I don’t want to talk to him about. Because first of all it’s just a burden, and he can’t help me. No one can, these things are just the way life is. I just want to be alone. I don’t know if I can deal with being guilted into spending time with someone because we are in some sort of relationship.

I know my mental health has just been getting worse and worse since classes were put online, then having to come back home and face things I never wanted to get back to. I’m just not stable right now. I never am when I am at home, and it just seems like a bad choice at this point in my life to try to live at home. Hopefully this will be my last summer here. But it’s going to be such a long summer.

[anns-anxious-life]

“Every deep thinker is more afraid of being understood than of being misunderstood.” - Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil

[anns-anxious-life]

Being Home

5/11/2020

I have been back home for about four days now. I am ready to be on my own again. The transition is hard, going back to living with my parents. I know that it is only for the summer, which helps make it easier to deal with because this should be my last summer at home. But it’s just a lot. I see now why my brother wanted his room to be in the basement, my parents never bother him. My room is right in their path of travel however, and they are constantly poking in, and it’s just kind of getting on my nerves a bit. I am a pretty independent person. And my parents are pretty judgmental people. I feel like I can’t do anything at all without them getting involved or making their opinion known on it. And I really don’t like that. It makes me feel really self conscience about everything. When I am alone I can just do my own thing and I don’t have to worry about what anyone else thinks, and I much prefer that way of living. I feel like I have to justify my every action when I am here and I absolutely hate that. I am an adult, I should be able to just do whatever I want. 

Part of this challenge too is that when I am back home I feel so much closer to who I don’t like being. It’s like I am back in high school again, and I once again have to face issues I had back then, even though my life is supposed to have moved past that. I am supposed to be passed all that. I just feel like my relationship is better with my parents when we aren’t all forced to live together. They are constantly pressuring me to do stuff and reminding me of my obligations, which I am fully aware of already. Once again I am no longer in high school, I don’t need to be reminded to do my homework. I didn’t need that then either. I just want them to give me a bit of space so I can do my own thing, but how do I even bring that up to them? “Your presence, in your own house, is annoying me, can you back off?” Yeah, I can’t do that. I also don’t want to feel like this all summer though. And again I get to see the relationship my parents have, and how not ideal it is. When I am at school, I mean I know that everything is not fine, but at least I don’t have to see and deal with it on a daily basis. It isn’t a choice I made, for them to be together, and I don’t understand why I have to suffer through this?

I don’t know what’s going to happen with The Guy. We are supposed to talk tomorrow. We shall see how that goes. But I still definitely have my doubts as to whether we can keep this up. I mean I don’t talk with anyone as much as I think he expects us to talk. I just feel anxious about this, and everything else right now. And I am overthinking everything because of that. I mean there is a time change between us now. I know we were only texting and calling before, but now that I am so many more hundreds of miles away, while we are still using the exact same forms of communication, I feel distanced. I don’t want to be here. I want the life I had, I feel like I have nothing in my life when I am at home.

[anns-anxious-life]

I Know...

5/1/2020

Everyone is driving me insane, friendship is a scam, invented by a bunch of leeches who don’t care is they suck the life force out of others. 

OCD!!! I am spiraling but it’s okay everything is fine I am fine. At least that is the lie I shall persist in telling myself. I just got off of a zoom call with a girl in one of my classes because she needed help with a review problem in our structures class. I am glad I could help her. It always feels weird, like I am lying though. When I am secretly dying inside but pull it together enough to have normal interactions like that. I just feel a lot of pressure though, from a lot of things right now. I feel like I have to be constantly tied to my phone, just in case anyone needs anything from me. I want to be here to help. And I was kind of annoyed that The Guy was going to ditch class today, but then the professor cancelled class. But he clearly was busy so I wasn’t going to bother him today. But then I didn’t want him to think I was annoyed so I texted him a while ago. And pretended like everything was cool. And certainly everything is cool between us, I don’t care what he does. But I guess I have just generally been anxious about what is going to happen between us this summer, with me going back home in a few days now. And us not having class, and convenient opportunities to talk to each other. I mean just in general I don’t want to text him first because who knows if he wants to talk? And I don’t want to be where I am not wanted, and I also don’t want to try to hold onto something that I am already losing. So if he kind of contacts me less and less this summer I am just going to let go, I am not going to try to hold onto him or anyone else, they can all go wherever they please and do whatever they want. 

Other than that, one of my friends and I have been talking a bit most days, we are trying to keep each other accountable with our reading. But you see, when I say we, I mean mainly just me texting her everyday sending her a reminder. And I am tired of doing that, i am in fact, not an alarm clock. It’s just really stressful for me, it’s just something that nags me everyday and I feel like I have to gain something meaningful from what I read everyday, and certainly I do, but just putting it into words and typing it out and sending it to her, usually when it’s not something new and it’s probably something we both already know, it just seems pointless. And it’s dumb that it is stressing me out this much and I don’t want to do it anymore. And being friends with her is just a one way street, I try to support her and be here for her for her problems and if I bring up anything I want to talk about I feel like she blows it off or makes it seem like less than it is. I just don’t like this relationship, I feel like it is draining my life. 

Then there is a guy in my class who is always asking me for help. And okay, sure, I have no issue helping him with a homework problem, but sometimes he texts me at 1 am, and I am asleep. Then in the morning when there is not enough time to help him before the assignment is due I just feel guilty for not being there when he needed me. And he asks me questions sometimes that I shouldn’t have to answer, stuff like which homework problems we have and what page they are on, and due dates, all of which can be easily found on the syllabus. Like okay, it’s one thing if you tried finding the answers and need help, but he doesn’t try, he just comes to me, too often, and it’s a lot and his choices stress me out and I want to be a good friend but he asks so much and I certainly can’t just do his work for him. 

My mom is doing stuff too and I am just trying to be here supporting her which is fine. In summary, too many people are just asking too much of me right now. I have plenty of stuff going on all my own, it’s all just a bit much right now. And It’s dumb I know it’s dumb that normal human interactions are killing me but they are right now.

[anns-anxious-life]

May!!!

5/1/2020

Hello hello! It is the first day of May. Today is my last day of classes, next week is finals week. A lot is going on right now. I have got to finish revisions for a project for Monday, I have a review for a final on Tuesday, then a final Wednesday morning. On Thursday I am driving back home so I have to pack everything in my apartment before then, but I have already started on that so I am not too worried. I also have to compile all of my semesters work as a project. Then today I have to submit a group paper which I have to revise and submit before midnight tonight. We had two and a half weeks notice about this paper, and I asked everyone in my group to get it to me before noon today. And it’s noon right now and I am still waiting on two papers. I’m disappointed but not surprised. Anyway, I am really on the final countdown here, the semester is so close to being over. These past weeks I have felt ready to go home, but now that it is actually happening I am kind of worried. I guess it will be okay once I am home and back on some sort of schedule, but there is always a period of transition, getting used to being home with my parents again. Also I am so unmotivated to do anything right now, I feel like when I get home I will need to give myself kind of a break before I start on my summer schedule. 

I am still taking with The Guy right. I know I keep bringing it up, but we are over a month into this now, and I’ve never had this sort of relationship for this long. I know it’s not much I mean we can’t even see each other because of the quarantine. But we have at least texted everyday since right before spring break so. That’s something. We will see how the summer goes.