anxiousmindsthinkalike

[anxiousmindsthinkalike]

apologies for not posting... lifes been busy...

Since rona hit early this yr i have been busy on the frontline at work, its not a pretty sight. Its not the nicest thing to have to deal with everyday.

Its bad enough that i get panic attacks and anxiety this has been bad and a massive challenge. Not knowing if you are exposed to the virus, are you doing the right procedures, how do you know you arent exposing your friends and family. The amont of personal protective equipment you have to wear, surgical masks, face shields and the like everyday since april its really horrible. My face is constantly sore from the masks rubbing, my head hurts from the elastic from the face shield. i end up with tension headaches each shift. my hands are sore from using sanitiser and soap. its rough, i hate it right now.

My anxiety is always there, i drive to work anxious, i leave to go home anxious. sometimes i cant pin point why. i cant stop thinking about everything. i cant switch off.

i am not motivated at the moment to do anything, to plan holidays or anything bc honestly i dont know when this is going to end. i ahve already eeded to post pone my wedding which has been a headache in itself and i should be excited to go ahead and plan again but part of me doesnt want to just incase it gets moved again,

is it just me or am i just loathing in this? i am soooo disappointed in this yr. i am so over it already. just hurry along. get rid of this stupid virus and i just want to move on. constantly tired.

everyday is the same, get up, feed the animals, go to work, come back home, sleep and repeat. who wouldnt get depressed? ive had so many people ask me whats wrong in the last week? what do you honestly want me to tell you?

majorly disappointed with this yr, fucking over everything. its hard to get excited when theres not much that i can do about now. cant really go out, cant really go shopping that much cant go overseas cant go interstate.

fed up

[anxiousmindsthinkalike]

I really needed this today, I am struggling a lot, I can’t pinpoint why, how or anything... I feel like I am just holding on...my anxiety is just sitting there, making my uncomfortable... im just so tired, so exhausted. Theres got to be more than this.... give me a break for once, please!

[anxiousmindsthinkalike]

struggle day today

maybe its just me or that I find the weather to be deceiving. no one believes me when I say the weather has something to do with the way we feel somedays or maybe its just me and anxiety and how it affects me.

Lots of changes happening in my life as far and I am embarking on new territory, I changed jobs to something more during the week and more normalized hrs but this has already changed this time around. 

I am not that impressed right now, I have taken on more hrs and am at work longer and the whole point of changing was to be able to have more time with my family and my partner and I honestly feel like I haven't done any of that recently.

I have embarked on starting my own small business but even that right now seems to be a bit overwhelming and I really have no clue in what I am doing. I am trying to be brave and just trying to start getting out there and just trying to learn something totally different to what I know.

nursing to me right now, I can deal with, you can throw anything medical at me and I know how to deal with it. im going into something retail and the thought is exciting but I kid you not I feel out of my depth and have no clue what or where I need to go with this.

a lot of everything is just keeping me down. I am trying to remain positive, I need to keep telling myself that I am just starting and its okay to feel the way I feel but the anxiety creeps in and I feel like I am second guessing myself again. I feel like my biggest fear is I AM GOING TO FAIL!

[anxiousmindsthinkalike]

its been few and far btw: warning medical triggers

In some words, life has been a bit crazy lately. I cant catch up. Much has happened. I cant remember the last time I blogged on. here goes:

I bought a house with my partner and have been trying very hard to move things in and work out what needs to be fixed and just settling in at present. 

Had issues with the last realestate agent we had been renting through for many yrs, eh they are money hungry, just gave in, I wasn't going to fight a losing battle with them.

I have recently been to a study day through my workplace where I was expected to prepare/learn/demonstrate how to do advanced paediatric life support. I thought that I would be okayish. I didn't know how I would be. I tried to do this in the last yr but everytime I would watch the scenarios I would have a panic attack or just get very very anxious and cry. I was asked by the educator this yr to participate and yet again I let her know I didn't know how I would be. I did well to get through half the day but something set me off and I had to leave. A big ball of tears, pain and anxiety came over me. How it works with me I feel like my blood is boiling, my heart rate jumps, I feel alone, I have an overwhelming sense of needing to get out and run. My anxiety makes me feel like I cant breathe, that I have fizzing bubbles everywhere a bit like pins and needles. I have thoughts that just keep going round and round in circles and they never stop.

My sister passed away just over a yr ago in a similar scenario, with everything that happened on this day. It is trauma that takes me back to then. Yes I know its fake, I know its not her. But when im tired my mind wanders and these normal thoughts turn into thoughts from then, feelings from then, internalized to every single conversation that I had that day, to me needing to leave work to getting to the hospital, to talking to the drs, to talking to my parents, to waiting in the waiting room, to anxiously waiting for a phone call of good news that never came. To remembering how I felt when I got told she had passed away and I never had the chance to say goodbye. The disbelief that someone can just disappear in an instant. 

I love how some people feel uncomfortable in an instance where someone is freaking out or having a panic attack, they think they are helping but they are not. you aren't me, giving me advice about this and that... thanks but I have dealt with this for a while, I know what works. I am just as frustrated as the next person but I live with this on a daily basis. 

telling me that its “post traumatic stress” tell me something that I don't already know and saying that I should “see someone”. no shit sherlock, maybe I already do. They have no clue. You aren't being helpful just mind your own business.

[anxiousmindsthinkalike]

struggles....

I know its been a while, life has all funny ways of letting you know where your going and where your headed. I constantly have a headache and am constantly tired. tired of everything and evryone. over it honestly. i never used to think anyone would be so mean, draining energy and space but i can clearly say now that this is possible. 

I have been fighting with my own inner demons, fighting with my own conflict, my own anxiety and fears. i thought i would give myself a pat on the back for doing so. stupidly i spoke to my boss about what was happening, what was going on and how i am finding this shift work to be more troublesome than not at the moment. i am burning out.  

everything for me right now is a struggle, to get out of bed in the morning, to make the effort to go to work. counting the hrs down to go and think about going home the  next shift. the atmosphere has changed. 

in a world where mental health is supposed to be supported, they arent doing a very good job of this right now. i work in healthcare where i am supposed to help others yet when its me... management goes “nah dont want to deal with it”. Making me jump through hoops. 

im not in any position to really give my 2 cents but i am struggling to be dealing with this and the fact that there is an unknown about my job and where its headed. i just want to catch a f****** break. i just cant seem to right now.

one thing after another. like honestly who have i pissed off.  

[anxiousmindsthinkalike]

be good to yourself because noone else will

[anxiousmindsthinkalike]

I thought I was doing the right thing? damned if you do damned if you don't?

I took the brave step to put my big girl pants on and talk to my boss.

I made the hard decision to have an adult conversation before I started work, it caused me a great deal of anxiety and I was seriously tossing up to whether I should or I shouldn't. I decided that if my old boss was easy enough to talk to, approachable then maybe I should try,

I don't even know whether it made any difference. I have been struggling with ptsd for a while now, I am still working through a lot of issues from past trauma and more commonly anxiety in general from many different aspects of my life. I find that working shift work isn't helping in the slightest at the moment as well as the other stressors currently playing havoc in my life right now.

I am still dealing with the complexities of grieving for multiple people, the aftermath of further investigations continuting in some circumstances, having to try and deal with my parents who are still struggling through this too, my nephew who looks up to me to help him, my partner who I need to be there for, the fact that I am trying to buy a house at present and all the stress from that too. I still continue to have flashbacks of events I cant avoid, conversations that seem to replay time and time again and while I am trying to sleep they wont settle..

I sat down in the office and just let it out, im not sure how it went, im not sure what I was expecting but I don't think I got the compassion that I thought I would get. the realization that my anxiety/depression/ptsd had kind of won. that for now I was restricted in what I can/can’t do in my life. on recommendations from health care workers that I shouldn't be doing nights since it seems to be messing with my mental health and increasing the risks of panic attacks/anxiety I thought I was doing everyone a favour. but now im not so sure..

they say that they want to get rid of the stigma about mental health, they say the want to reduce the risk of people wanting to take their own life but how can anyone do this if no one is taking mental health of workers seriously, it seems to be such a taboo subject. I mean I work in a hospital who looks after people but do they help the people who care for their people?? im not sure what the answers are at the moment.

I have been stewing over it time and time again. I don't know if everyone I work with knows. its been hitting my anxiety button on high at the moment and I said to my partner that I am feeling paranoid that everyone is talking about my problem behind my back. I feel like they must be snickering or laughing about me. I feel like I am less of a person because of it. I feel like I am getting judged by this. I feel like they mighttell me to leave.  he keeps reiterating to me that they cant just do that its discrimation if they do. I keep telling myself no you've done the right thing, I feel like a bit of the weight is off my shoulders. I am just “freaking out”.

[anxiousmindsthinkalike]

Missing you comes in waves, and unfortunately, sometimes, I forget how to swim.

sometimesiwannadrownmyself (via sometimesiwannadrownmyself)

I always felt that I was alone in this, even though im not. it gets more difficult nearing to Christmas, because to see your lil man growing up and the sparkle in his eyes you would be soo proud. The realization that he doesn't have his mum breaks my heart, that I don't have a sister to break the ice when all the aunties drive me mad about how I should be doing this, or why I haven't done that. 

[anxiousmindsthinkalike]

tormented

it still hits me life a ton of bricks, it hits me like it just happened, overwhelming emotions, overwhelming thoughts, confused, broken, struggling to just survive, struggling to cling to something that brings me back home,

it comes in waves, it comes, it goes, sometimes a little calmer, sometimes a little bit stronger. it is the darkness that comes and goes, it creeps up on you and escapes when it feels like it. it creeps back unexpectedly and boom your put back in your place.

memories flood in, thoughts flood in, conversations flood in, feelings take place. frozen in time, uncomprehending what has happened. heart beating faster, speechless, breathless, focus is blurred, tears are streaming

I shut out the world, I shut out the pain, I just don't want to feel like this anymore. paralysed, broken, tormented by anxiety.

I watched a Netflix tv show, some of the episodes were quite graphic and it triggered me massively last night, its triggered me till today. I still cant find myself, I still feel yuk. I feel sick, I am teary, I just don't want to remember anymore. it hurts. 

[anxiousmindsthinkalike]

its still a journey

hey hey its been a while lots going on in my own life. grieving 3 people, baking cakes, juggling work life, personal life and trying to take some time out where I can. its kinda been a bit of a whirlwind this last month or so.... many different things presented themselves and I feel like I am caught up in a whole heap of drama that wasn't mine to deal with in the first place. eh? I am totally annoyed, totally peeved. I am totally tired and just cbf doing anything atm. I want to buy a house but I cant at the moment because of things out of my control. :( I am sooo annoyed, I want to go on holidays I want to travel I want to just get out of this shit hole right now and take some time out. is that so much to ask for and no more drama thanks. sincerely me

[anxiousmindsthinkalike]

Challenging times

I feel like everytime I seem to write a journal entry its always been a bit sad. this time around this hasn't changed. I just found out on Thursday morning that a close friend of mine passed away. its just with shock and disbelief that this happened. im trying to catch up with this but it has seriously hit me for 6. I only spoke to him not that long ago. such a beautiful person, a beautiful soul. he was struggling through always had a funny comment to throw at me. was the most lively bubbly person who just kept going even though things is his life deteriorated muchly in the last 5 yrs. I find it extremely hard to believe that hes gone and this yr for me has been a big freaking rollercoaster. im just wishing things would slow down just a bit. everything just feels so overwhelming. I feel for his partner who has been his carer for the last 6 yrs. I have been there and seen him go through chemo to the other side, from being able to walk to being in a wheelchair and despite all this still had the cheekiness, the wit, the comments and was exceptionally great at trivia. I miss you soo much, it seems like we all just take things for granted. we expect people to be there when we wake up the next morning. unfortunatey its not always the way.

[anxiousmindsthinkalike]

hmmm... I heard this and thought of you<3

[anxiousmindsthinkalike]

trigger:PTSD,domestic violence: fleeting anxieties...

it doesn't matter how much you think you are going forward, that anxiety has hidden it likes to take a vengeance when you least expect it.

how can I cope better? how can I try and get on with everything if it is constantly there? a constant reminder of everything I want to forget. everything I don't want to replay. things that I thought I forgot and left behind.

I really thought I was doing well. but when on nights it seems to flare things up when I don't sleep. even though I have finished nights for the moment im still finding I am panicky and I cant sleep. 

I am finding that work isn't helping me atm, I am trying to separate bits and pieces but when its to do with domestic violence, abuse, rape and what not, it does hit me and take its toll. I look after the patient, I ask the questions and I end up leaving work in a bit of a state. headaches, tired, I feel flat and crap/ I get home, fall in a heap and just cry. 

the people I work with know about my past situation, this post traumatic stress, the anxiety the feelings of just yuk. honestly has set me off again. I am stressed at the moment with trying to buy a house, the stress of work and being unwell and not sleeping the best I think has taken its toll. I am just worried about a lot of things in a nutshell and there is always expectations from mum and dad since my sister passed away. I cant do everything but I feel bad even if I take a day out.  I am soo tired 

[anxiousmindsthinkalike]

oh anxiety why do you haunt me?

Everytime I finish nights this is when you decide its appropriate to pop up. When I am exhausted and don't know what day/time it is. When my circadian rythym is out of whack.

You decide when I am at my weakest to come and strike. to drag up all the shit from my past, to drag up to violence and abuse I endured so long ago but those feelings, that emotional pain is here again. It is soo raw, it cuts into me so bad.

I don't want to relive the flashbacks, sometimes I feel that this is worse. I keep telling myself it is only temporary and these memories will pass. but its a wave of anxiety, a wave of pannick, nothing can calm me. all I can do is try and focus on breathing, focus on trying to let it pass.

more thoughts flood in, more thoughts of worry and self doubt, that I am not worth anything, that theres no value in myself, that I am not anything that anyone would want to know. 

I am flat, emotionless, I just don't want to speak to anyone but I do, I just don't think ill be heard and I feel like no one understands. im trapped in my head. I just want this pain to disappear.

[anxiousmindsthinkalike]

i feel like ranting... everything is so superficial... why cant anyone see that?

I am just going to put it out there, I am sick of how everything is soo superficial in this place we call the world. nothing is ever good enough, its always strive for more, hunger for more, got to have the most expensive car, the most expensive bag, the most beautiful house, the most expensive shoes, the most beautiful dog/cat/animal, go on lavish holidays, imprint these on other peoples faces. How can anyone ever live up to this?

society tells us that we need all these things so that when we are having a shit day/crisis or whatever you want to call it, these things that we buy are supposed to make us feel better. only momentarily... but when that wears off we have to deal with the issues that we are facing. I only bring this up because I too am guilty of this. I used to hide behind all this at face value, continue to go on like nothing was annoying me, nothing was stabbing me in the back, those thoughts werent tormenting me, but at the end of the day, those fears, those anxieties remained, waiting to strike once again.

I am finding myself trying to stay away from social media, they have done many research studies about the impacts on social media in peoples lives. They have found that many people become more depressed, anxious and the like since we are all comparing ourselves to others and their lives. Always happy or seem to be, always travelling, shoving it all in your face. I have tried many times to pull myself away, I have tried to even think things may not be as they seem. It is so hard not to be hard on yourself, where I end up taking a look at my life and going “geez im boring”.  

I know I need to give myself a break. I am being triggered left right and centre atm, with all this violence against women thing happening atm. it just annoys me, yes I know its adding awareness, and its bringing it to the surface, but as a survivor like many other women who have been through domestic violence and assault, the whole thought or hearing about murder and rape non stop over the tv, radio, internet, facebook… makes us nauseous, cringing and it causes great anxiety. I have been TRIGGERED, I don't know about you. yes its an important topic but have some tact. ie disclaimer : “this may trigger anyone who has been through xyz”. 

I have literally been on edge since its all happened about a week ago. Obviously my stress levels have increased and am more aware. I just don't want to have flashbacks of my own situation, I don't want to have to visually see this in my mind. it honestly makes me want to vomit.

I just wish they would have tact. That's my 2 cents.

[anxiousmindsthinkalike]

All I ever wish to be, why is everything testing me atm. :(

[anxiousmindsthinkalike]

its been a while

my tumblr has been a bit lack lustre lately. life has been crazy and it hasn't stopped for anything. I am still going through the waves of grieving, the troubles of shift work, the anxieties of being a nurse, anxieties about my dad being unwell, anxieties about where my life is going and anxieties about finances.

where do I start? where does it end??

I feel like I am being pulled in a million directions and nothing that I ever do is good enough. I feel helpless sometimes, I feel like I should know more, do more...

perfect example is tonight at work. sick sick babies that have everything you cant think of attached. At the highest level of care, machines and analgesia, yet still progressively get worse, you tell the senior drs and they just tell you, oh just do this in an hr if it gets worse. You do what they tell you, you tell them your concerns, nothing changes, nothing gets altered. I feel like I'm an idiot bc the mum of the child looks at me with hopeful eyes that something will change but it doesn't. I feel like I have failed. I feel like ...its emotionally draining, 

I feel shit today, I feel yuk. I'm borderline anxious bc I have been busy and all I really want to do is cry. made a couple of mistakes today tried to help out on a busy day, maybe I should've just stayed home.

I feel empty, numb, broken