anxiousunicorn1124

[anxiousunicorn1124]

So here's what you missed...

Ok, I've been rewatching Glee and every episode they start with " here's what you missed" so this was the first thought to pop in my head as soon as I was getting ready to write this blog entry..

anywhooooo..

my last entry was really heartbreaking and sad. im hoping this will be a little less depressy and a little more happy.

this summer so far, my boyfriend and I got invited by his friend and his wife to go to their family lakehouse for a weekend and man it was awesome! I really enjoyed it. If I had the money , I would totally rent a place out there. makes me sad how much I miss it . It was so peaceful, relaxing.. everyone was friendly, fun and welcoming.

I don't remember the last time I felt so relaxed. I was so worried about my anxiety, and I didn't have to be. I think I had anxiety like once or twice towards the end. The views were amazing, the food was amazing, the boat , the lake, everything was amazing. I could go on and on about how AMAZING it was lol. One day I hope to go back again.

What else have I been up tooo... I've been with my mom and grandma a lot. Got to take her to our local amusement park Seabreeze. My grandmother hasn't been there in decades. She had a great time! im honored to take care of her and spend so much time with her. Life is too short that's for sure.

Other than that, I've mostly spent my time between home or my moms house lol She has the pool and my hammock.. pretty much a better backyard than mine. I guess you could say my summer has been good to me so far ( except for annoying ass asthma flare ups ) and I hope the rest of the summer is just as good or better :D

I think Im going to end it here for now.. im hungry, got the munchies. maybe next time imma write a short story. I kinda want to try and see if id be any good at writing. wish me luck haha

Byeeee

[anxiousunicorn1124]

This isn't the end.

12/3/23 It was a Sunday.. some of the details are fuzzy on what happened earlier in the day. I was officially 10 weeks pregnant. I was still spotting a little with some cramping pain that would come every so often but man was it painful. Some time in the late afternoon/early evening I was out with my boyfriend and my mother. We went to cvs, Walmart ,Wendys and was still having pains.

We got home and I was ok for the most part. I was watching a Netflix show called Sex Education and ate my Wendys. At this point, the pain was becoming excruciating. It was like painful ass period cramps but amplified. I had to do breathing exercises to try to calm myself through the pain. I was crying on and off . After some time of going through hell, I decided I was going to try a hot bath. I let my boyfriend know while he was playing Call of Duty.

I got the water running and I go to use the bathroom before getting into the tub when I noticed I was bleeding pretty heavy. Heavier than I previously was and knew to be concerned. As soon as I realized what I was looking at, I started freaking the hell out and crying hysterically. I got myself cleaned up and situated and walked into the living room to tell my boyfriend something I really didn't want to do. I had to go to the hospital. My biggest fear was probably happening to me right now.. a miscarriage.. am I ok? is my baby ok? am I losing my baby? the panic was high.

I felt so sick to my stomach. I grabbed a garbage can and bag to bring with me as I felt like I was going to throw up at anytime. My boyfriend was so worried and stressed. I could see it all over his face. Driving very fast trying to get to emergency at RGH. At this point, the pains I was experiencing were coming in waves. Early in the day ,it was like once or twice an hour to now being 2-5 minutes apart. Later on I found out that miscarriage pains are similar to labor pains. It took about an hour or so before we got called back to get me on a bed.

I was beyond happy to have a bed, laying down was amazeballs. My man has been amazing through it all, all while trying to calm himself and be supportive. Before I laid down, I did go use the restroom. When I did, I noticed something in the toilet and I knew it wasn't a blood clot :(. My gut feeling told me that it was my baby. I didn't lose it just yet cause it wasn't officially confirmed by a doctor, but I was worried. My anxiety was still high as shit because as soon as I got semi- comfy , I threw up my dinner (thank god I brought my garbage can) smh.

I don't remember if I had the IV put in, blood work and urine sample taken before or after I threw up, but I do recall soon after being hooked up to an IV, they finally took me for an ultrasound.

The ultrasound was so awkward. Not the ultrasound itself but the room, the tech.. he barely talked to me, didn't tell me anything about what he saw( might be part of job that they aren't supposed to but not knowing was killing me).. it was just eerily silent. I was worrying, cramping in pain and trying not to freak out. I was starting to grip the bed rail and can feel my fingers getting numb/tingly which happens sometimes in high anxiety. I was so ready to go home.

We get back to the spot my bed was in the hallway and wait for what felt a million hours for a doc to come and tell me what's up. I was texting two of my friends through it all which helped some. Eventually they stopped by and wanted to do a pelvic exam. I forgot for why but at that point ,no one had said anything to me about whether or not I was still pregnant . Once the doc finished the exam, I came right out and asked.. am I still pregnant?

That's when it felt like my world exploded.

My pregnancy was no longer viable. I had miscarried. During the ultrasound there was nothing to see so I feel like I was right when I said I saw something in the toilet. It was me passing my baby:( </3

I lost it as soon as I walked back over to my boyfriend. Our hearts broke that night. so very much. once we got home, I was met outside by my brothers who gave us hugs and condolences. I wasnt expecting that and will be eternally grateful to them for being supportive. the next day I had to go to the ob just to really confirm what we already knew and yup. I lost our little nugget.

the first week was so rough for me . I didn't want to get out of bed, didn't want to cook, clean ..pretty much anything. I was either napping, crying or watching tv. I learned that greys anatomy is not a good comfort show after having a miscarriage. so many pregnant patients, either dying, baby dying, a miscarriage, abortions, or the good- birth, happiness, love, joy.. it was just too much.

I started back on my anxiety and depression meds. I was journaling my feelings and thoughts. I also started seeing a therapist. I already was prior to miscarriage but it helped that I could schedule a sooner appointment. I was doing all the right work I needed to help myself get through this. I know it sounds like im only focusing on me but I was definitely worried about how my boyfriend was handling it all. he stressed clean the first day after and we definitely smoked. over time it got easier everyday.. I still have moments where I cry and feel the loss. seeing reminders, or peoples pregnancy or birth announcements. im being as positive as can be. I started going to the gym again( been slacking the past two weeks but we aren't gonna talk about that haha), lost 4 lbs so far and working on trying again. Ive accepted that what happened isn't my fault. im heartbroken and still grieving but im also happy im alive and will try again. Only thing im really dreading right now is when the due date would have been and when it passes by this year. ugh.

I am sorry this was so long . If you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read what I felt and experienced. I haven't publicly announced that I had a miscarriage. sometimes people on Facebook will ask or say something in regards to the pregnancy. I usually just send them a private message. it hurts having to be asked about it a lot. im also not ready to directly announcement so I figured I would come here where I was already posting updates. its also somewhere I feel safe to let it all out. Anyone who decides to read it, will read it and those who don't, don't and im okay with that. Before this ends up into a book or something, imma end it here !

[anxiousunicorn1124]

DEAN WINCHESTER in one random episode per day ‣ 242/327 1.20 DEAD MAN'S BLOOD

[anxiousunicorn1124]

[anxiousunicorn1124]

[anxiousunicorn1124]

[anxiousunicorn1124]

ITS A BABY!!!

So I know no one is really reading my blog but it still feels good to type It all out.

Back in March 2023, I had tried getting pregnant by having IUI done. IUI aka insemination. It had failed. My boyfriend and I have been trying for about 2 years with no success. About a month before the IUI, I started seeing a fertility specialist. Given I had PCOS, the doctor prescribed me with metformin. Usually it is prescribed for people with diabetes but can also help with symptoms of PCOS. One big issue with PCOS is infertility or a hard time being able to conceive.

After the IUI failed, I was deeply disappointed. It broke my heart. Just made me feel like something was wrong with me and maybe it just wasn't in the cards for me. Everyone kept saying " stop thinking about it, stop trying, just have fun and when its your time , you'll know" . at first I was like "meh, ok" . I slowly was starting to accept my fate, if I can't get pregnant , there are other options or maybe its just not in the cards. So I kept trying to put it in the back of my mind and just have lots of fun ;) Lots and lots of fun!

Fast forward to October 16th, 2023..

Woke up sick sick sick>_< .. took a covid test and of course was fucking positive.. damn covid got me.. I was home the whole week sick.. kept vomiting every morning on top of annoying cold symptoms.. my boyfriend had also gotten sick with me.. As I kept on puking every morning, I realized my period was late (9/13/23) so Monday 10/23 I decided to take my first pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE! I was in shock and was pacing around the house . it was like 5:30 in the morning. I texted my boyfriend and he was happy and shocked like me!

2 days later I took another test !

At this point , this has to be real! Couple days later, I went to the doctors and they once again confirmed a positive pregnancy test.

then this past Wednesday I got an ultrasound and saw my lil peanut for the first time <3

this is our lil miracle and im forever grateful.

Stay tuned for our journey :)

[anxiousunicorn1124]

all I want for my birthday is a big booty hoe!! #26days til my dirty 30!

[anxiousunicorn1124]

its been awhile, hasn't it?

I haven't posted on here a lot after I had my first failed IUI. Not much else to type about. I always have blogging on my mind but im. drawing a blank..

[anxiousunicorn1124]

5 posts!

[anxiousunicorn1124]

Did I Succeed? Fertility update

So last month I did IUI-- which means intrauterine insemination.. March 31st I found out if it was successful and that I was finally pregnant.. sadly the test came out negative :( that broke my heart.. I cried so hard I swore I was going to throw up. I swore it was going to be positive, almost sure I was. and his numbers were great, my follicles were the size they needed to be at and still no baby.. im not going to do it again this month. we are going to try naturally and if by may nothing then round 2!! I hope and pray our time is coming soon . im scared and excited and keeping it together as best as I can. I also need to start relaxing and less stressing cause what if that was part of why it didn't work? im definitely not trying to think about it so often.. lets hope my next update will be good news!

gn.

[anxiousunicorn1124]

A time I was scammed

A few years back, I decided to hang out with some prick I went to high school with. He was the one doing the senior pranks and shit. im obviously not going to mention his name in here as much as id like to. We hung out for a bit, he wanted to do some scam thing where you write out blank checks and try and deposit them and also something with not returning Redbox dvds. I can't remember every detail but he had me all the way fucked up. what I do remember is that I had birthday money in my room or purse.. so not only did he fuck up my bank account, which to this day I still owe, he had also stole my birthday money.. I think I still have the screenshot proof of him trying to deny it. oh there is also a police report I had done too. he a scummy scammer. ik a year or two after that his ass was on the news I think for being arrested.. he had a gun on him I think. tbh thats just a bit of karma he well deserved.

[anxiousunicorn1124]

Overthinking is the devil

Not literally of course, but to an anxious person.. its their reality. It consumes you and becomes overwhelming. Always worrying. Always thinking.. always without a clue on how to shut it the fuck off. i mean, there are ways to temporarily shut it off. for example, reading a good book, listening to music, watching a show or movie or sparking up fat joint. anything to keep your mind occupied. As long as I do those things, even for a little bit, my mind takes a break.

[anxiousunicorn1124]

My Fertility Journey

In 2016/2017 , I was working at savers at the time. It was that "time of month" and for some reason , it was different than usual. I would have to change my pad like every 10-15 mins which is far from good. I had to call my doctor who told me to come into emergency and see what's going on.

After an awkward and uncomfortable ultrasound, they confirmed my suspicions... I was officially diagnosed with an annoying ass disorder... Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome(PCOS). Its a hormone disorder where I produced more than normal amounts of testosterone. it also makes you insulin resistant. the most annoying for me is with all that testosterone, it brings in excessive facial and body hair. trying to keep up with shaving has become a exhausting hassle. On top of that, it also makes getting pregnant harder.

Fast forward to my current relationship. We have been trying over a year to get pregnant. I've done everything from trying medications to start my period regularly(PCOS made it a challenge to be regular), taking meds to kick start ovulation.. pretty much trying to conceive naturally with some side help from drugs.. All of that with no success. My boyfriend had even gotten a semen analysis to see if I was the reason or him for the struggle. his results did show a low count , so docs recommended to stop smoking weed(im not really looking forward to quitting). He quit a little over a month I think and his numbers damn near doubled or tripled in quality and quanity.

I decided to try IUI instead of IVF, its cheaper and less drugs/injections.. If you don't know what IUI is, it is intrauterine insemination. it involves tracking your period, and monitor when your ovulation so they know when's the best time for me to come in for the procedure. it entails few appointments of blood work and ultrasounds, a cycle of drugs and any other instructions they might need to inform me.

My man is then told that he has to put his swimmers in a cup , the doc then "washes" the sperm. By doing that, she's separating the stronger swimmers from the not so strong ones. After she was done with that, I came in for my appointment an hour later. the doctor informed me on all I needed to know and explained how the procedure works. Simply put, she is going to be physically putting his sperm where it needs to go.. hahaha. too lazy to go full detail so you can feel free to google more details if you like lol.

The paragraph above, happened today. I had the IUI done. It wasn't that bad and was pretty fast. Little uncomfortable when she was injecting the sperm and the cramping... whew.. had to grab my friends hand real quick lmao.. its been almost 12 hours since the procedure, still got some cramping but all good. only thing I don't like so far, is that they told me not to smoke no more weed until I know whether or not IUI worked. Im already aggravated and got "ants in my pants" haha. this is going to be a long struggle for me but I know when I see our beautiful healthy baby, it'll be worth it.

This is just a general overview of my fertility journey and I cant wait to see what happens next..

I test to see if it worked on march 31st so STAY TUNED!

[anxiousunicorn1124]

Convo by the pier --short story?

it was one of those days, where she just felt blah, walking along the pier all by her lonesome. she has to admit though, it is real peaceful. Listening to the sounds around her is pure bliss. the sound of the waves crashing, soft breeze blowing, sun shining brightly. she loves it all.

Ella gets to the end of the pier where the light house is. She starts walking around it checking out all the graffitti that people left behind. One says, " don't be silly wrap your willy!" . Ella shakes her head and laughs, " people just aren't that clever anymore". Ella read a few more of what's written and then walks over to a nice rock to sit on to enjoy the view . the Sun is starting to set, it's a perfect time to spark one. Ella pulls out a tube from her purse, where she stores the blunt she rolled earlier. "POP!" goes the top to the tube. Ella takes out the blunt and puts it to her lips, grabs a lighter and starts to light it. Ella takes a long drag, holds It and then goes into a coughing fit. Luckily, she always keeps a water on her for cases like this. After she gets the fit under control , she looks up and sees someone watching her.

Ella looks around to see if they are looking at her or someone else. He was most definitely looking at her. He smiles. " You good?" he asks her. She assumes he's asking because she damn near died from that first hit she took from the blunt. She chuckles, " Yes, Im fine. Took a big ass hit. you smoke?" Mystery guy responds, " I do , not all the time but when I do, I get smacked ". She hands him the blunt, laughs and nods in understanding and goes back to looking out at the water.

Few minutes go by before mystery guy turns toward Ella and says, " My name is Travis , what's yours?"

" Ella"

" Thats a really pretty name" says Travis.

""Thank you, so what brings you out here today" Ella says curiously.

Travis looks out at the water and ponders for a minute. "Just one of those days where I just wanted to be alone and embrace nature. Seems like i'm not the only one who's feeling that way today " he says grinning.

"Who, me? How can you tell?", questions Ella. "Well for starters, do you normally take big ass hits that cause you to get into a coughing fit? , and not to sound like a creeper but as i'm looking at you, I can sense somethings bothering you or somethings off. please tell me to shut up at anytime ", travis says, feeling embarrassed . He doesn't want to seem so forward, nosey, or just plain weird. Something about her gives off this energy. Something travis never felt or seen before. it intrigues him, wants to get to know her more. He didn't come here today to talk to someone, more or less a whole conversation, but meeting her here today has been the highlight of the year so far.

Ella blushes ," No, I don't normally take big hits like that haha. Today, i just feel down. Not exactly sure why, so I decided to come to where I know I can unwind. You aren't a creeper but if you were staring and smiling like a creep like in the movie 'Smile', then Id be concerned" . They both laugh hard at that. As Ella and travis continue their conversation, you can take one look at them and see there are sparks flying. Both of their eyes glistening as one another speaks.

.....................................

5 years later..

"5 years ago, I went down to my favorite spot, deep in a funk comtemplating a lot about my life. Then there was this beautiful woman reading graffiti off the lighthouse. She had a cute laugh and an even cuter smile , I had to say hi. I was scared to though, didn't want to be a stranger danger. So I said "Fuck it" and sat a few rocks over and eventually I got the courage to say something. We laughed, we enjoyed natures beautiful scenery and natures beautiful plant Mary Jane.

5 years ago, if anyone would have told me I would be marrying this beautiful woman tomorrow, I would have laughed, but here I am ready to say I Do (hope you say it back -haha) and start our lives together as man and wife. I love you so much Ella, here's to forever !"

The End

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This is my first time writing something like this.. short story?

any opinions? thoughts? comments?

[anxiousunicorn1124]

Funny ass episode lmao love me some sam and dean

STACKEDNATURAL ⇉ 84.5/327

9.5 Dog Dean Afternoon Written by Eric Charmelo & Nicole Snyder Directed by Tim Andrew Original Air Date: November 5, 2013  

[anxiousunicorn1124]

What I will blogging about

Just posting a general post of what you might see here ..

I will be posting bout things on my mind, going thru in my personal life

attempts at poetry, yes I said ATTEMPT lol

might pick some writing prompts as well.

Shit maybe have discussions about weed, tv shows, movies and more.

simply put, expect a little bit of everything :D