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[anyaispunk]

Some of y'all have to help me with the bonus epilogue of A Tempest of Tea. I am not from the States, and as such have no means to acquire it. (Arthie was a fellow south asian, for her sakes whelp me finding the bonus epilogue)

[anyaispunk]

reading old notes and find this

[anyaispunk]

Funny how others takes weeks to make me fall in love.

He took a couple of hours, and the love last forever.

[anyaispunk]

Almost 3,500 miles away, two people that faced with a same phenomenon can react and feel completely different.

I was unsure. My knowledge of my own capability to deal with something that includes him with another woman was uncertain.

Deep down he knew he was too.

Should I go? When my prayers are for them to fall apart.

I’m selfish. A hypocrite.

I don’t deserve to be there.

[anyaispunk]

I’m watching myself.

but why does it feels like I’m watching other person?

I’m studying her face like it’s not mine.

I’m drowning,

deeper than ever and no one is pulling me out.

No one even try, no one even care.

I gave up on life for too long,

that darkness finally starting fo affect every inch of what’s left.

‘finally’ I said. About damn time.

[anyaispunk]

I’ve never acknowledge my mind is a comfortable place until you decided to stay there forever.

[anyaispunk]

all of a sudden, every writing’s about you.

laugh.

sudden is an understatement.

it’s always been you.

I’ve been writing about you since the day you stumbled across my path.

15 poems are written while the silence listening to my head on your chest.

this words that I’m reading right now exist with the substance of our memory.

before, with, and after you.

[anyaispunk]

I hate how much power he held over me.

It’s been 4 months since the last time I opened this folder.

Since the day I told you that I love you.

Since the moment you say you don’t feel the same anymore.

I don’t remember it’s still here.

Yet it hurts still the same.

[anyaispunk]

Let Us Last Forever

Summary: Daniel couldn't imagine a life without fulfilling your dreams.

Word Count: 841

Note: Just pure fluff and listen to Cody Fry - Photograph while you read this if you can.

You’re both on your way back to your hotel after Daniel finished his meetings, and you decided to come. You almost regret your decision to come along because it lasted for hours.

Music filled the entire ride. He loves music, and you’re certainly sure that his blue McLaren 720s speakers only have a break when he’s not riding the car. Luckily, you both have the same taste in music. So as soon as the first song is played, the two of you start vibing immediately.

After a couple of rap songs, a very contrast music is beginning to play. Cody Fry’s Photograph piano brings warmth into your chest.

"OH MY GOD. I LOVE THIS SONG," you exclaimed while looking at him.

It's the evening light

Shining through the curtains

The time before the night

When everything is golden

 

You sang along beautifully as Dani chuckled, looking at you.

Now you close your eyes while singing. Scenarios are running through your head. You can’t help it. This song makes you happy, thinking about the future you’ll have with your other half. Even though at this point, you have no idea who he is. But… you have one particular man on your mind.

If I wished myself a superpower

I would make this moment last for hours

If I had my will, time would just stand still

Wait for me until I find some magic film

To take a photograph and live inside

 

Dani couldn’t help but smile as wide as he could. You looked so beautiful. Savouring every single word of the lyrics. Making it more meaningful when it already is.

You opened your eyes and turned to him. His eyes were sparkling, just like yours. One pair full of hope and the other full of adoration. 

The song was still playing. He let no questions out, but you felt like you wanted to explain. Wondering why you suddenly have the urge to tell him everything, remembering you’re the kind of person that keeps everything to yourself. But whenever you’re with him, you turn into a book that begs to be read.

"I love this song," you said for the second time to start your explanation.

You both stared at the traffic ahead.

"Each time I hear this song, I can picture myself with my husband. Sitting on a bench not too far from the beach, on the edge of a low cliff." you smiled as the scene got clearer and clearer.

"We’re gonna make a video based on this song. Visualising every single thing the lyrics have. As the sun goes down, the light gorgeously hits our face. We’re looking at each other and feel nothing but happiness, blessed, and much much love. It’s overwhelming but we craved it." Tears began to form in your eyes. Not realizing that Dani has been holding his tears and grabbing the steering wheel too tight until his knuckles are white in an attempt to fight his tears from falling.

"And we’ll hold on to that moment as long as we live. Watching the video now and then, so we couldn’t forget how it felt as it was yesterday. Every time we are happy, we’ll look at it so we remember that happiness isn’t just when something worth celebrating for. Every time we are sad, we’ll look at it so we remember to be grateful because we still have each other. Every time we’re away, we’ll look at it so we remember there’s someone to come home to. Or even every time we fight, so we remember that no matter how pissed we are, we love each other more."

I need some way to prove that this was real

A memory is not enough

I'm scared that I'll forget the way it feels

To be young and in love

 

Knowing what you’ll say next, your tears inevitably fall to your cheeks.

"One day, when one of us is gone. We’ll have something to assure ourselves to keep living. So our love stayed alive. Until one of us successfully passes it on to our kids and makes sure that they carry our love to pass it on, over and over again. Because that’s how strong our love is."

Let me stay right here

Just a moment longer

The picture is so clear

Please let this last forever

 

Your words ended at the same time as the song. You finally have the guts to look at Dani, scared that he finds you weird or an incredibly drama queen.

But when you looked at him, you found none of those. Only love and tears. You panicked and hurriedly reached out to grab some tissues. You wiped his cheeks and asked,

"Why are you crying?" there’s a hint of concern in your tone.

"Because I don’t know what I’m gonna do for the rest of my life if not making your words come true."

[anyaispunk]

The Last Time We Met

Pt. 2 (Last Part)

Word Count: 2,7k

“Me and Hellen are going to get married next month.” he said excitedly, holding back his tears.

You know, when someone’s get hurt, they express it by either crying, screaming, fighting, leaving, or even as simple as saying ‘ouch’. But what do dead people do when they get hurt? Nothing. They’re simply dead.

That was what exactly happened.

I didn’t cry, talk, nor move for an inch.

I just stood there.

The smile that was starting to form on my lips, stayed.

My grip on the box, stayed.

My dark eyes fixed on his bright brown eyes, stayed.

Because that’s what dead people do best.

They stayed still.

And he just killed me with his 10 words.

It all hit me.

It was like remembering a scene from a movie.

Except this time, rather than seeing me and him as the main characters.

It was her.

Hellen is the one he was seeing through the crowds. She was the one that take my phone to talk to Daniel’s parents after I talked to them.

She is the one he searches for a hug after bad days. Even though I’m the one he spent the night with to let out his frustrations in the form of words.

She is the one that gets all of the good news first. And I was the one who’s rushing to him no matter where I am whenever I hear a single sigh the second I picked up his call.

Now I realized that being on the top list was never enough.

Because there’s someone on top of that list.

And it’s her.

I’m not enough. I never was.

“Hey… Are you okay? It surprised you that much? You think I’m too wild to be married, huh?” Daniel joked, just like what he always does.

I wanted to take my eyes off of him.

I look at him and it feels like life is mocking me. As if life is telling me that this is the eyes that’ll never see you as something more. These are the eyes you can never have.

“Dan?….” I said with a cracked voice, surprised by my own ability to talk.

He was starting to get worried.

“Yes? Is there something wrong?”

“Have you ever thought about me?”

“What?… What do you mean?”

“Have I ever crossed your mind when you’re searching for what you’ve been longing for? or when you wanted to call someone the second after you finished the meeting of your another successful deal?” my voice was like a whisper but firm.

He was about to answer but I cut him off,

“Am I just a place for some of your ups and all of your downs? Is that what I am to you? An Alfred to your Batman?” I said harshly.

This time I’m not holding back.

I know what I said was not fair. Daniel always shares his good news with me, he never left me out, but after I already heard it from anyone else but him.

“You think it was easy to accept the fact that every single time you talked about your good news I have to act like I heard it for the first time when I already knew it from someone else? How small I feel whenever I come running to you just to hear your anger and telling me I’m the only person you told. I’m thankful that you trust me that much to share something what other people don’t know. But I want more…

I need more.” That was it. I admitted my desire to the both of us.

I can see anger in his eyes. He didn’t expect me to be this honest and blunt. He felt somehow betrayed. He knows that I know it’s hard for him to talk about his feelings other than happiness.

Happiness is something Daniel shares with everyone. But everything else inside him? It’s only me to knows.

When Daniel finally had the chance to talk, he said,

“Wow…. just… wow.”

Shame can be clearly seen on my face. I stepped too far.

Too far to be fixed but not enough to be together.

“Just forget about it. I can’t do this now. I’m sorry.” I said while heading to the door.

I felt his hand on my shoulder, preventing me from walking further.

“Let me go, Dan”

Don’t.

Pull me to your arms.

Let me feel your warmth and tell me I’m gonna have this for the rest of my life.

Love me,

more than you love her.

He did.

He let me go.

—————————————————————

I watched as the clock turned to 00:00.

I blinked.

00:01

Blinked.

00:02

I have to sleep.

“Hey? You up?”

Turning my head to the side, Charlotte greeted me with a smile.

“Is today’s my birthday? Why are you awake this early?”

Charlotte never left my side since that day. Not because I ask her to, but because she’s afraid of the things that I’m capable of doing when I’m alone with the memories of him.

“First, the sun is already shining for hours now. Second, you haven’t eaten anything since last night so you must get up now and eat. In the meantime, I’ll prepare myself and your stuff. We’ll be leaving at 4.” Charlotte said like I’m her kid.

I glanced back at the clock.

14:03

“You’re not my mom, so stop telling me what to do.” I protested.

She rolled her eyes,

“Not that you listen to your mother either.”

Ignoring her comment, I stood up and walked past her. Maybe food wasn’t so bad. Finding a full English breakfast was not making my stomach go quieter.

“It really is my birthday, isn’t it?” lifting the fork that was already placed beside the plate and starting to dig in.

Charlotte stood across the table with her arms crossed. “Are you going to act all excited and strong throughout the entire day? If you want to do that bullshit at least don’t do it in front of me.”

With my furrowed eyebrows and slightly agape mouth, she slowly brings her hands down to her sides. “You actually forgot, don’t you?”

My brain was trying so hard to connect all the dots. But I just couldn’t remember what she was talking about.

Taking a seat beside me, Charlotte looked at me deeply in the eyes. It scares me. Her face was full of concern and sympathy, but her eyes told me more. Enough to throw me back to this hell hole I called life.

It was the day.

With all honesty, Charlotte expected me to ran and slammed the door. Crying my eyes out until I can’t, like I used to.

But no. I didn’t. I’ve done enough.

I wouldn’t let her suffer twice today.

I walked slowly to my room, lifting the box that was still beautifully tied and placed it on top of my bed.

I was standing even though I knew I didn't have the energy left to even stand perfectly still. I opened it up.

Slowly untying the white bow with mixed feelings. Wondering what was sitting on this box all this time.

‘Open it.’

His voice rang in my head.

Daniel tried to call me for the first 3 weeks after our last encounter. He even stopped by a couple of times.

I didn’t have the courage to see or hear him.

I’m trying to stop the sounds of his voice following me through every step.

I’m trying to forget the lines on his face every time he laughed.

I put the bow to the side.

What is this, Dan?

‘Can’t you just open the box and stop asking?’

A white dress.

It was a white dress on a white box with a white bow.

This box supposedly belonged to a…

bride.

I lose it. I can’t control the tears streaming down my checks.

Charlotte walked in seeing me standing in total shock.

I looked to the side and said,

“He gave me a white dress.”

Never once in one’s life has one heard broken and hurt spoken so loud in someone’s voice. When she said those words, whether you know her or not, you can feel your heart broke into a million pieces. Imagine how broken she is when you’re in so much pain just by hearing her 6 words.

Charlotte didn’t even realize she was crying herself.

•

Tears are falling as Daniel danced lovingly with his new bride. But there was just one tear that didn't resemble a happy tear, and it was mine.

My mind slowly drifted off, imagining what if things turned out differently. But the answer was clear as a cristal now.

Song after song played, everyone else already left the table for the dance floor.

I glanced around and I couldn’t stop myself from smiling.

No matter how miserable I’ve been these last couple of hours, seeing these people having one of the best times of their lives eased me a little bit.

They’re my friends after all.

Then I saw him. I followed his every movement, watching as he took his blazer down his shoulder and draped it over the back of his chair. I felt every crack in my heart deepen as the newlyweds smiled at each other, dancing to their heart’s content, and suddenly, I realized how misplaced I was. Ever since the day these two had met, there was no longer space in Daniel’s heart for me.

Drown to my memory lane, I failed to realize who’s approaching me.

“You know, I could feel something was missing and I couldn’t find you at the dance floor. Odd, because you dance all the time.”

It was Daniel.

He was standing in front of me, sending me his sweet smile.

I couldn’t help but returned the smile.

Like a sign of relief, he was smiling more widely. Secretly thanking God for giving him a chance to talk to me again.

“I seriously don’t know how you managed to sit still while dirty dancing was playing.”

I let out a little laugh. Shaking my head to prevent myself from laughing more.

He kneeled down,

“I miss that sound.”

Even though his face’s only a few inches away from mine, I can’t bring myself to look at him.

I hurriedly replied, “I don’t have anyone to dance with,” not wanting him to know that I couldn’t bear the idea of dancing with anyone beside him.

He tried to muffled his laugh.

I was so close to tell him to not ever hold his laugh when he’s with me. His laugh was better than anything the DJ played at the moment. His laugh was the only thing that could make my heart skipped a beat.

But the butterflies in my stomach didn’t stayed longer than his laugh.

That sound didn’t belong to me, it belonged to her.

All of him.

His smile,

his laugh,

his memories to come,

they all belonged to the woman who had taken his last name just hours ago.

He held his hand out for me to take,

“Dance with me. Like you always do.”

Hesitant to take his hand, I finally gave in to myself. Knowing what a single touch could do to my entire being. I can feel his gentle touch heavily on mine, as if he’s scared that I could break if he hold me too strong. He let go of my hand after we arrived at the dance floor.

The warmth of his hand still lingering on my skin.

The soft strum of a guitar filled the room, Kodaline’s “All I Want” beginning to play. For a second, I wondered why such a sad song was playing. I gave Daniel a questioned look. Why on earth he had requested a song that was more about heartbreak than anything else. Taking my hand again while wrapping his free arm around my waist, he began to sway to the melody, leaving my question unanswered momentarily.

“You said you like this song.” He whispered, lips right beside my ear. The sensation of his warm breath caused shivers to roll down my spine.

If the guests are not looking at my face or talking to the actual bride, I’ll be totally mistaken as his bride.

The white dress was perfectly fit to my figure, making it more difficult for Charlotte to zipped the dress back home because I was sobbing too hard.

As the song continued, I closed my eyes.

When you said you last goodbye

I died a little bit inside

I lay in tears in bed all night

Alone without you by my side

This feeling, this moment, this man was something I couldn’t dare let go of. Yet, everything Daniel was doing was in order for me to let him go.

But if you loved me,

Why did you leave me?

The words are pierced to my heart. Setting fire to my emotions with no beginning and no end.

When would I be ready to let go?

I exhaled a breath that I had been holding for far too long. A breath that had taken years to let out.

I took a step back from him. Retreating my head that was previously placed on his shoulder.

Daniel’s heart stung after he saw my face. My eyes and cheeks were glossed over with tears,

“Why did you give me a white dress?”

How can you have the heart to make me suffer this much?

Imprinted false hope to my soul.

Letting yourself run through every bit of my body. Leaving hunger that can be only fed by you.

He just smiled sadly.

It was a look I never wanted to see, but I knew I had to see it. The saddest smile graced his near perfect features.

Daniel’s lips brushed my forehead, planting a gentle kiss to it. The sensation was one you would never forget. His words were quiet as he spoke, “I love you.”

A hand landed on Dan’s shoulder, turning him to look at a young bridesmaid with an all too happy smile on her face. She giddily grabbed Dan’s hand, dragging him along with her as she informed him of the bouquet toss that was about to take place.

I find my way back to the table to grab my things. The music was once again blaring as I walked towards Daniel’s mother who was sitting with some of her other relatives. She spotted me walking towards her, a gentle smile on her face as I pulled her into a farewell hug.

“Are you leaving already, darling?” His mother asked.

“Unfortunately, yes, I have a lot of things to do tomorrow.” My excuse made me shudder. I hated lying, especially to one of the most wonderful women I had ever met.

“Please send my regards to the newlyweds, I’d hate to interrupt.”

Daniel’s mother nodded, saying one last farewell as I made my way. Each step was a jab in the heart, and when I had reached outside, the tears truly began to spill. My hand covered my mouth, attempting to silence the heart wrenching sobs that would not stop coming.

“Wait!,” a voice called out.

I turned to see Daniel running towards me at full speed. When his eyes found mine, he opened his mouth to speak. No words came out, he had nothing to say. There was nothing in this world that he could say that would heal the hurt I was going through.

His arms wrapped around my waist as he pulled my body towards his. His hand stroked my hair as I cried, his own tears threatening to spill over. He brushed the tears from beneath my eyes as he furrowed his brows in concentration, searching for the hurt I had been hiding all these years.

Charlotte pulled up as I smiled gently at the man I loved but would never have.

I look at his face.

Carving his eyes, his nose, his lips, every curve and every line of his face in my memory.

This will be the last time.

Not because he wouldn’t be here anymore.

But because I can’t.

“Goodbye, Dan.”

If I studied his face a little bit longer, I would have seen the sadness that overtook him as his chest tightened from my words.

He didn’t get to respond as I already walked towards the car. I knew I wouldn’t make it if I spent a second longer near him.

I turned my head back to him, whispering as loud as he needed to vividly hear,

“I love you too.”

And that was the last time we met.

[anyaispunk]

Morning & Coffee

Her Hazel Eyes (Pt. 2 of Morning & Coffee)

Her Voice (Pt. 3 / Last Part of Morning & Coffee)

The Last Time We Met

Part 2 (Last Part of The Last Time We Met)

Let Us Last Forever

[anyaispunk]

The Last Time We Met

Pt. 1

Summary: Daniel confesses his feelings, which turns out not the way she would’ve expected.

Word Count: 865

Part 2

Daniel and I have known each other for 2 years. I can confidently say that I’m one of the most important person for him despite the lateness of my arrival in his life.

It was another race weekend. We’ve been through so many Sundays together, but I’ll never forget this one.

He asked me to come to his driver's room early in the morning. It was weird of him. No, it was weird. No one goes to the paddock that early. But seeing that he’s not replying to my texts for explanation, I decided to just go.

As soon as I stand at his door, I can see him sitting nervously at the sofa while bouncing his left foot. I’ve never seen him like this before. He’s always so calm. Even though he’s nervous, angry, or sad he always manages to keep it down. But not this morning.

I stepped into the room and called him,

“Hey…”

He immediately turned his head and walked towards me. He gave me a smile. The one that I’ve never seen before. The one that no one has ever seen before. Later in the future, I realized that smile was only for me.

“Thank you for coming in a short notice. I really need to see you.” he said in a low tone.

“Of course, Dan. No problem. What’s up?”

My heart beat started to quicken. ‘Why does he need to see me this early?’ was my question.

That question was answered a few minutes after that.

He handed me a quite big white box with a white bow.

He told me to,

“Open it.”

I was so confused. Dani is not the type of person that suddenly gives you presents or surprises when there are no special agendas.

“What’s this all about?” I asked.

He rolled his eyes.

“Can’t you just open the box and stop asking?”

I just looked at him dead in the eyes, demanding for some explanation.

He gave me that smile again. Somehow I can feel the meaning behind it. But I’m not sure, I don’t wanna be.

He sighed,

“Everyone knows how hard 3 years ago was for me. People look down at me and I lost a lot of people who I thought were my friends. It was my dark time. And all I could think about back then was ‘this is it, this is where my career ends’. But fortunately, it’s not. I found some new strength. New people that actually care and stay by my side through all the downs. And among all of those people..... There’s you, on the top list.”

Being aware that I’m important for him and hearing him said it out loud is a totally different thing. ‘You’re important to me’ was enough, but ‘There’s you, on the top list’? Is too much for my poor heart that’s been aching his name since day 1.

Where is he going with this?

“I don’t know where or what I’m gonna be if I hadn’t met you. So I won’t let you doubt for even a split second that you’re less important than anyone else in my life. I want you to know that I wouldn’t trade you with anything this world has to offer. Because I love you.”

I was finding words to say but my brain decided to give up for being in too much pressure and shock.

My mouth starts to move but there’s not a single word out.

Dani decided to continue his speech knowing I couldn’t speak at the moment.

“Since last year, I realized there was something missing. Something unfulfilled in me. I woke up everyday thinking that it was because of the race. That I’ve been too long not winning a race. Then Monza happened. I won. But no, I still have that empty feeling.”

He looked down to his feet, smiling.

“Everyone is celebrating since it was a very big deal for me. In the sea of people, I look far into the paddock. There’s this one girl who’s cheering over a phone. I realized she was talking to someone in a video call. And boy, isn’t she the prettiest soul I have ever seen.“

I remembered this. I entered the paddock to stepped away from the crowd. Hoping to find some quieter place to make a phone call. As soon as I pressed ‘FaceTime’ she immediately picked up.

It was me. I was the one that called his parents because I know he will be occupied for the next couple of hours. He was talking about me…

“It was the realization that took me back. She is the one that I’ve been searching for. That’s why the emptiness creeps in whenever I wake up or laying my head at night. Because she isn’t there. I never feel empty whenever I’m with her.”

My mind resisted to think straight. All of the questions, all of the hopes starting to play with my sanity.

“Why are you telling me all of this?” I finally managed to slip out.

He brought his eyes back to mine.

“Because….”

What?

“I’m going to marry that girl.”

A smile started to form on my lips.

[anyaispunk]

Her Voice

Pt. 3 / Last Part of Morning and Coffee

Word Count: 1,7k

Part 1 Part 2

After he finished his breakfast, Tom drank his tea in silence, gazing through the window. It was raining. Of course it was raining, that was the default weather in most of England. He didn’t mind it, at least the light pattering of the raindrops drowned out the occasional heavy sigh which escaped from his mouth.

He hated how everything was so silent now that she’s gone.

Usually, they would eat breakfast together, even if they woke up at different times. They would often wake each other up as well, partly because it was fun and almost always resulted in tickle fights and/or makeout sessions, and partly because they would absolutely have to have breakfast together. It was kind of an unspoken rule; they had to see each other and talk a bit before they were ready to face the rest of the world and go to work.

Tom adored how clingy she was in the morning. He pretended that she was annoying and over the top, but they both knew he was messing around. She knew Tom was as clingy as her, if not even a tad more. They both loved to cuddle in the morning, especially after a night of passionate lovemaking. He absolutely loved to caress her curves with his fingers, when they were both still sleepy and clinging to each other. It drove him mad; the feel of her soft skin, the lace of her underwear under his fingertips, her breath tickling his neck. She would always whisper something sweet in his ear, random compliments or comments on how she enjoyed herself the night before. He didn’t know why, but she was much more forward in the morning than during the day. He pinned it to her usual drowsiness and the intimate aura surrounding them in the safety of their bedroom, under the warm covers and with their limbs tangled together.

They made breakfast together too, although she would convince him to do most of the work. Tom didn’t mind it, mostly because he could see her from the corner of his eye - ogling at him while she drank her tea. She would bite her lip as she stared at his perfect, round bum in tight boxers and his muscled bareback.

Also, she would never forget to thank him after he finished making her favorite, either waffles or pancakes, and she would do it in the most deliciously sinful way possible. It started out as her coming behind him and hugging him tightly, kissing his cheek and ruffling his hair. But then it got more heated and teasing over time. Both his and her favorite was when her hands would slowly slide up his toned chest, her mouth attacking his neck with eager kisses and gentle bites, until he would pull her completely against his body and finish what she started. By the end of their unexpected steamy session, neither of them would care that her tea or his coffee and the pancakes got cold.

Tom decided to call her.

It was futile, but he did it anyway. And every single day. No matter the fact she wasn’t responding. At least he could hear her voice before leaving a voicemail.

Exactly two months ago, they spoke on the phone for the last time. That same evening, they had their last conversation.

It seemed so distant, so far away now. How his life differs now from only a month ago is almost absurd. It seemed like when she left, she took all the happiness with her.

That was the only explanation, because Tom couldn’t find happiness anymore.

He knew it would take time. And he was sick of people reminding him that.

Because, the truth was, he didn’t want to move on. He refused to.

After a glance at the clock, he decided to get out of the house.

Quick to change into a pair of jeans and a sweater, he grabbed a jacket and rushed down the stairs and back on the first floor, driven by a single goal.

He found the keys of his car on the coffee table in the living room and immediately heard her voice inside his head, scolding him for leaving the keys laying around when they had a ‘perfectly good’ key holder mounted on the wall in the hallway.

He shook his head at that and hurriedly left, almost knocking over a box near the couch. When he looked down to see what it was, his shoulders shook and he held back the tears from streaming down his cheeks.

It was a box filled with her stuff.

She didn’t have just one box of her things here, of course, but this were the things he most often came across. A friend of his advised him to put everything in a box and get rid of it, because it would help with the healing process and all that other crap he kept listening about. Apparently, it’s not very healthy to keep her stuff laying around and spontaneously start crying upon seeing a random object of hers, like her lipstick or her sunglasses, but whatever.

He took a deep breath and practically ran out of the house. He needed air.

Actually, he needed her, maybe even more than he needed air.

It was unbelievably cheesy, but Tom started to think it was true lately. It was like he was slowly suffocating, not knowing what to do and not knowing how to help himself.

He needed to see her. And that’s where he was heading right now.

The drive was brief, not only because he drove a little faster, but because his destination wasn’t that far. He was anxious and kept changing the radio stations, not being able to find something after his taste, but not being able to stand the silence any longer either.

He had to stop at the florist before going to her.

Without much thought, he took a bouquet of Jasmine flowers. He smiled as the lady across the counter handed him the white, elegant bouquet. It was her favorite and he had to take them. She didn’t even had a favorite kind of flower before she met Tom. He brought her roses a few times, but then he started to bring her different flowers and different bouquets until she said one day that Jasmine is by far the most beautiful one.

She often reprimanded him for giving her too many gifts, saying that he would spoil her to no end and that she would become too conceited. Tom assured her that she will never become conceited. As a matter of fact, she was always too harsh while judging herself.

He loved the look on her face when he surprised her with something, so he usually surprised her with gifts. She also kept all the little messages he attached to the flowers, because she thought that it was a nice tradition that everyone seemed to forget about. Tom found those messages a few days ago, saved neatly in an ornate box, which she kept in the nightstand on her side of the bed.

Tom passed by her favorite coffee shop. Actually, over time, it became their favorite coffee shop. By now, they were regulars and the baristas greeted them by name and knew their orders by heart. He walked a bit slower, gazing inside and hoping he would see her sitting at one of the tables and reading a book while drinking her matcha latte and eating cheesecake. Like the last time. He knew that he wouldn’t see her though. He passed here every day several times for the whole month and not once did he had the luck to see her.

When the bouquet was set safely in the passenger seat, he started up the car. No more stops along the way, he’s going straight to her.

He got anxious again as he parked the car. It took him awhile before he got out.

The big iron gate squeaked as he pushed at them and he sighed heavily as he looked around.

A few more steps and he was by her side.

Tom crouched down, placing the palm of his hand on the cold stone. His head fell down as he clutched the bouquet with his other hand.

His sob echoed through the graveyard.

Tears were now falling from his eyes and he didn’t even try to stop them. Couldn’t stop them.

It hurt.

It hurt as much as the day they lowered her in the ground and he almost collapsed on the spot as they did. And no amount of time will be enough for Tom to move on.

Because her face isn’t the first thing he sees in the morning. Because her laugh doesn’t echo in the hallway as he’s chasing her down to the kitchen. Because he can’t kiss her again, can’t feel any part of her again. Because he can’t call her when he needs to share bad news with her, or good ones. Because they won’t have impromptu sing-offs or dance in the living room like they used to. Because she can never be a part of his life again.

Nothing will change that. Nothing will change the fact that they had their whole life ahead of them and it was cut short.

They had plans, dreamt of visiting places together, talked about raising kids one day, wished for a life where they would grow old together and she would nag about him leaving keys all over the house even when they were 70 years old.

It wasn’t fair.

And it made Tom angry and sad and helpless and feel a lot of bad feelings at once. He wanted to punch something and wanted to cry all the time, wanted to scream. But, no matter what he did, she would never be by his side again.

And that was killing him.

He felt like his whole body was going to give out, so he sat down, not caring about his clothes getting dirty and not caring that he just leaned with his back on the grave behind him. The bouquet was set in the vase in the middle of her resting place, replacing the old bouquet of Jasmine flowers, which didn’t have a chance to wither yet.

Tom dialed her number again.

He waited. Sobbed again as he heard her voice. Waited for the beep.

He stared at her photo on the cold stone. His eyes were red and glossy.

“Hi, darling…“, his voice croaked and he closed her eyes. “I miss you…“

“Please…“, he started, but then his voice broke as he cried, his whole body shaking. “Please come back to me.“

[anyaispunk]

Her Hazel Eyes

Pt. 2 of Morning and Coffee

Word Count: 981

Part 1 Part 3

He froze.

His feet suddenly felt so heavy, like it’s glued to the vehicle.

Unsure of what to do, what to say, or what to feel, he just sat there. The shortage of movements made him comparable to a sculpture. Eyes haven’t been blinked.

He can’t take his eyes off…

her.

She was there.

She just… sat there.

Eyes never leaving the pages she held in her hands. Oh, those beautiful hands.

Uncertainty clouded his subconscious. With a hitched breath, he decided to step inside the too familiar structure.

The smell of coffee and pastries started to fill his nostrils. They were only 4 feet apart.

He can see her more clearly now. With the small amount of people existence inside the coffee shop, it was effortless to spot her gorgeous figure. Hell, even when the room was packed he’ll find her in a split second.

He walked so slow, turtles could beat him.

It was 2 feet left.

She was wearing a sweater with her favorite jeans. An obvious oversized t-shirt can be seen under the sweater due to her small form. It was his t-shirt.

Their every morning scenarios in this place played in his head. They spend so many hours here.

Standing in front of her, no words could escape his mouth. Tears are threatening to fall. His legs feel jittery, all he wants to do is leap into her arms and make sure that she’ll never leave him again.

Minutes go by and nothing happens. He just stood there, while the world looked like it didn't exist anymore to her because she was reading her book. Her annoying yet amazing habit on how focused she could be.

The urge to pee after drinking too much green tea, finally took her away from the written pages. She was surprised by the very tall man who was standing so still in his tracks.

“Tom…?” she called him.

To Tom, this moment felt like hundreds pairs of hands just squeezed his heart.

He heard her voice again. Calling his name.

He missed this.

He missed her voice. He missed his name being vocalized by her soft voice.

Standing up, she hurried herself and cupped his cheeks, “Thomas, are you okay? Does something happen? What’s going on?”

He thought he’ll never see her worried state anymore. Throughout his entire life, he has never seen anyone who’s constantly worried over him more than his wife. As little as a paper cut can drive her mad. Not that he ever complained about it, he rather finds it adorable. It showed how much she cared and loved him.

“You’re here,” was the first and only two words that he could think of.

“You look pale. What the hell happened?? Please talk to me, you’re giving me a heart attack.” she said, never leaving his eyes. Her soft hands slowly made their way to Tom’s hands. Caressing it.

He feels her.

He can feel her touch.

Again.

Tom couldn’t restrain himself much longer. He cried his heart out.

He felt so broken, so vulnerable, so weak, so damaged.

He never knew she held so much power over him.

Not getting any explanation from Tom, she embraced him as tight as she could, so he could feel her warmth. It never failed to calm anyone.

With a dash, he broke her grasp and took her hand. Holding it so strong as if she’ll float away if he lets go.

“I love you,” he tried to assure her, but his voice was shaking.

Horror can be seen on her face. Not because she never heard him say it before. Truthfully, he said it so often, it started to sound like his mantra.

Not wanting to waste another second, he immediately added before she could respond.

“Forasmuch as the day you’re mine, I’m fully aware that it doesn’t matter where you are, what you do, what you’ve done, when it happened, nor who you’re with.

I will always,

utterly,

completely,

absolutely,

love you.”

Her sweater was full of tears. Her hazel eyes are red by now.

How he hated making her cry.

Carefully, he brought his lips to her temple. So gently, as if she was the most fragile thing the world has to offer.

Comforted by his action, she wrapped her arms around him, not wanting for this to stop. Neither did he. He’ll never let her go again. Never.

Their height difference caused her to tiptoe in order to reach his ear,

“I hate being the party pooper, but I really need to urinate,”

Soft laughs can be heard from both of them.

Although she already unwrapped her arms, his hold on her waist was still tight.

“Hot news, if you wanna go to the bathroom, you can’t have someone’s arms clinging around you,” she said jokingly.

“Fine, I’ll let you go. Only for a minute.”

“Two pleaseee, I’m a woman you know?”

He put on his grumpy face. She cannot hold his cuteness, smiling wholeheartedly as he continued his fake angry face.

She wondered how it’s going to be like when they had their own version of mini Tom.

“I’ll accept your request after I look at you for a full 5 minutes.” he ordered. No was not an option.

Annoyed by his childish act, she argued,

“By that time, I already peed on you.”

He realized that she really needed to go.

“Okay, okay. Just one last time.” he begged.

He looked at her fondly.

Trying to remember every bit of her face.

Every line, every curve.

Her little nose, her plump lips, her dimple on her red cheek, her beautiful eyelashes and her sparkling hazel eyes.

This was his last time.

Unwillingness creeped around his arms. It was so hard to let her go. He doesn’t want to let her go.

“Stay here.” she said.

She walked away.

and she never came back.

[anyaispunk]

Morning and Coffee

Summary: Tom looking back at their moments while drowning alone in misery.

Word Count: 599

Note: There will be 3 parts of this story. I really do hope I make you cry.

Part 2 Part 3

“Damn it, I really need that coffee.”

Tom whining at 8 in the morning was not a usual thing in their house. Today is an exception. Unfortunately, this morning, his palate doesn’t get a chance to be devoured by the taste of his favorite caffeine.

The smell of breakfast still hangs in the air. After fighting the urge to stay in his warm hug, yet it feels like they’re holding each other for dear life, she decided to make scrambled eggs for the long hours of work he had to do a day before.

He wasn’t making it easier though. Feeling the motion of his wife trying to escape his much bigger figure was enough to wake him up.

“Where are you going?” he groaned. Doziness consumed him. His sore muscles needed nothing other than her warmth.

Chuckles escaped from her mouth. The image of them arguing about whose more clingy in the morning was coming back to her head.

“I’m making breakfast today,”

He gave her a confused look.

“As a reward for my annoyingly irresistible man for working so hard to keep his wife well-fed,” she added.

Big grin now plastered on both of their faces.

Filthy ideas rushing through his mind. He decided to let one of them slipped through his tongue.

“Well… if you want to give me a reward. I have a better proposition to offer you, my lady.” his voice turned dark as well as his eyes. Steadying each of his hands on both sides of her head, his breath became closer and closer as he was towering her.

Smile slowly fading from her face. Knowing exactly what he was going to say or do next. Taking the advantage of loosened grip, she ran out so quickly, leaving Tom dumbfounded and lost of what to do next.

He joined her to the kitchen. Practically running, because he was chasing her down like a snake trying to catch its meal.

Acknowledging that she was being chased, the feel of blood pumping through her veins made her screamed of excitement. Her laughter echoed through the hall.

This was it.

This was the only thing that Tom needed.

What he wanted.

This was more than enough.

The feel of her presence in the house.

The feel of her skin under his scarcely touch in the morning.

Her teases and her laugh.

Her.

Her was the only thing that he would never take for granted. Even in the beginning of their relationship, he always appreciated every small things they had. Even when everything was going really well, never, for once, he forgot to thank God for blessing his life with her.

Waking up from his memories, he remembered that day when his coffee maker broke, just like this morning.

Furious, embraced by his lack of boost after a sleepless night and anger of her absence, he threw his coffee mug to the floor.

Glass shattered on the floor. The exact replica of his heart’s current condition.

He didn’t care.

He didn’t even bother to clean it up.

Because everything already feels like a mess, and he doesn’t have a clue on how to uncontaminated this mess from pain.

Picking up his car keys from their keyholder in the hallway, he stormed out.

He needed his coffee.

Driving to the nearest coffee shop was his number one priority.

His car parked neatly in front of the coffee shop. As he pulled his keys from the keyhole, he couldn’t deny a familiar face sitting behind a table near the fragile transparent wall when he looked back up.

He froze.

[anyaispunk]

the one good part of this podcast is daniel's extended thoughts about monza:

There was a lot going on in Monza. Ultimately, I was fed up. I definitely had a chip on my shoulder, and I’d given myself the time during the summer break to reset and kind of flush away the shitty first six months. And I was like alright, second half of the season, let’s go. Forget all the shit that’s happened, let’s just look forward and go. Don’t give any fucks anymore. Go drive, rely on experience and talent and don’t overthink it.

The first couple of races had gone a bit better and we got to Monza and it’s a track I’ve always enjoyed and I knew the car was pretty quick there. And I was like alright, this is the weekend. If you’re going to do it, this is the weekend. And yeah, I put some pressure on myself but it was a positive pressure. I was nearly angry. And that was fueling me to just, I guess, dig a little deeper. And then I think the perfect part of all that was qualifying—I got done by like five thousandths of a second, and I think Max was then another few thousandths of a second so it was kind of the short end of the stick again. And I was like FUCK. THIS. This is not going to be my narrative again this year. It’s just not gonna be that.

So I was very driven and fueled, but I was also—I had certainly a confidence, I felt comfortable in the car and I just knew what I had to do. And it was nearly effortless, I was just able to be in the zone. I was even singing during the race, I was tapping the steering wheel, I was having fun. And I was so confident. And that was a place where I’d kind of built up to it the whole weekend, and then ultimately—yeah.

And people listening will be like, “why don’t you just get in that state of mind every weekend?” And in a way I do, but the execution isn’t always there. But there was something heightened in Monza for whatever reason, maybe that I can’t even explain.

I think I had really good self-awareness of the situation that weekend. After qualifying when I had just missed out on being in the top three by a few thousandths of a second, I was so close to just breaking something. Like, I love breaking inanimate objects [laughs]. I’m that guy, I just need to let some rage out. But I stopped myself, I was like, no. Bottle this up. Keep the lightning there. Use this, use—fucking—this rage, to fare me well for the rest of the weekend. So there was this whole—I was just very aware of everything around me that weekend, and I just drew from everything. And I executed, and I had so much confidence and I knew what I had to do. And maybe this is the ego, where I just like fuck you to people who had written me off.

And that [ability to bottle up that energy] has come through experience, it’s come through understanding myself. Trial and error and understanding what works for me and learning how to conserve energy through a race weekend—it taught me, in that moment, how to hang onto it. It was fuel, it was fire, it was this thing I knew I could use to my advantage, so I was like, “why the fuck would I waste it right now?” This is just emotion talking, be smarter than that, be bigger than that, take a few deep breaths and this will be okay. This will be okay. That conversation with myself—it goes back to having that self-awareness, but it’s through years of understanding how I operate. Because I’ve also [laughing] fucking hurt myself when I’ve had these rage moments and I’ll put my fist through a wall and end up nearly breaking a knuckle and I’m like, “you idiot!” and it makes me even more angry.

That made the 200 days of 2021, like, worth it. That all made it worth it. The sport is—there’s so many variables, and like you say, everyone’s got their own premeditated reality. And that one worked on that day. The strategy worked, the pitstops worked, the start, all of it worked. It was finally the flawless day.

And the high I got from winning—it had been missed, for sure. I had craved that feeling for so long. And it was so high. I remember, it was kind of a weird feeling I had—the Monday morning I woke up, and I was like, you know what? Part of me is glad that I don’t win every weekend. Because I want this high to be as high as it is. And I would hate this feeling to be numbed out. And I guess there’s this fear that if you have it every weekend, it’s just gonna feel normal, and then what’s next to look forward to? I don’t want to wait three years for a win every time, but I didn’t envy anyone else in that moment. And the journey I’ve had to get back to that win, I was completely okay with it. And if anything, stoked that it turned out the way it had because that feeling is—I don’t know if I’ll feel that with anything.

What I took the most from that is the comfort I had taking the lead, leading the race, being the target. I wasn’t nervous, I wasn’t stressed. I was just like, I’m the guy now. I belong here. It’s been too long. If you wanna beat me today, you’re gonna have to bring everything. It just felt right.