aoifesweirdjournal - Tumblr blog

[aoifesweirdjournal]

bedroom

the concept of keeping a room clean seems so obvious, ive been brought up by a mother, who while kind, gets incredibly stressed out by mess, to a crazy level. It's never been just "go clean your room", its always been "whats wrong? why havent you cleaned this? why cant you bring your pots down? why cant you just DO this, so I dont have to worry?", as a result the cleaning of a room isn't just that; its not just picking up mess. It's an act of defiance or subservience, it's a case of who am I even doing it for? its a case of proving to outside sources that i am, indeed, a human. a worthy human. a human who cares about their surroundings.

it's not surprising, then, when the room does not get cleaned. When the mess is allowed to build; pieces of rat bedding fallen out the cage, clothes that didnt make it to the basket, wrappers, pots left from ingrained coping mechanisms; another story entirely. And it is no surprise, i guess, that the thought of cleaning brings with it near unbeatable resistance. A resistance i still cannot place;

is it self hatred? a want to sit in the mess, thinking I don't deserve a room? a clean room? a nice room? That is the theory my mother subscribes to, yet I cannot see it. it is less a case of thinking I don't deserve a room, but never having been comfortable in my own room to begin with. Blankets and pillows are my safehouse, the room the bed lies in is just a necessary shell for such things to reside in.

is it, then, laziness? at my core, am I just the kind of unsavoury person to not care about their surroundings? to let smell linger, let mould grow? no. I do not like this. On the times i have managed to clean my room there is no spite that lingers; i enjoy it, the space, the clean floors. the act of getting out of bed and doing my chores is prevented by more than mere laziness, even if I have to fight every neuron in my brain from telling me such.

So then, perhaps forgetfulness? my memory leaves much to be desired; short term acts are effected to no end.

Perhaps pain? my body aches often, my sickly feeling often stops me from doing things.

even the concept of using a messy room to self harm has crossed my mind. do i do it to remind myself of the shame? of the disgust family has thrown my way?

Or could it simply be a lack of motivation? I do not care for my room. My room has only ever brought me shame, hatred, work and distaste. My safe space is defined by the soft fabric i curl up in, the space around it is simply a place where I have been shamed, that has seen all my sins, that has witnessed all my disgusting coping habits. I have no reason to like my bedroom. To care about it. Who would take care of something they hate?

I still don't know. Perhaps that is the worst part.

[aoifesweirdjournal]

blood

ive been fighting the want to self harm for a while now, i didnt do it today.

just a few small scratches. it gave me a rush of excitement. is that weird? i guess doing it in the first place is weird.

i've always liked blood, seeing it reminded me i was alive, but i also just found it interesting. the way skin bleeds, and the way it closes itself up, the way blood clots then dries. when i self harm the physical adrenaline rush counts for something, im sure, but half the time it's just the fact it gives me something to focus on, something to look at, something to feel that isnt terror or the want to commit non exist.

i dont regret doing it, im not going to put effort into stopping, yet. ive never self harmed to dangerous levels and right now its one of the smaller issues i have.

hm, i dont know. self harming is weird. i pray no one ever starts it. but sometimes it does help. not to fix, but to make bearable.

[aoifesweirdjournal]

teeth

something i struggle with and have struggled with since about 10 is my teeth.

when i was younger i used to try and hide from my dad, i lived my entire life in my room. only went out to use the bathroom and get food/drinks. i didnt walk the dog, get exercise, i managed the occasional shower but that was about it. never took plates and cups out of my room, which is a whole 'nother issue. and i never brushed my teeth.

and I mean, i went years without brushing my teeth. its a miracle i didnt have any tooth decay for the first few years, i still dont get it. i ate sugary food (it was what we usually had in) but only ever had one tiny, tiny cavity.

this issue didnt get fixed when i moved into my mums house though. to this day it hasnt improved much. brushing teeth is not even near a "habit" to me. i have to consciously do it, and i am NOT good at that. i often go weeks without brushing, despite what im going through and the fear it causes me. I think it's some sort of self harm mechanism. ugh.

in the past year ive had my two upper wisdom teeth out due to huge cavities (partially my mouths fault, even if i had brushed there was no way to get a brush behind them. they might have ended up coming out anyway.) i've had two fillings, although i dare say they were more "reconstructions". My mouth almost looks like the shit you'd see on those "remember to brush your teeth or youll end up like this monster!!" posters.

I've undoubtedly got months and months, maybe years of dental work to come. and i don't like the dentist, so that's fun in and of itself. Before my wisdom teeth came out they caused me such severe agony i burst into tears at multiple times, and i don't usually do that. right now as im typing, my bottom right wisdom tooth has a giant cavity in it. no pain, thank whoever is giving me a break, but a huge hole. they might try and fill it, might just yoink it out. they don't know yet.

almost all my teeth have decay, most at the gumline. I had such straight, "perfect" teeth. they were so nice. i was often told how lucky i was to have them. I could barely get floss inbetween them. now some of them I can blow air through with ease, i never could before.

being a fat, feminine presenting person, its as if the world expects you to look immaculate, lest you be an UGLY fat person. thats just the worst possible thing. and this... when people look at a fat person sweating, or panting, they dont think "oh, they've been for a run." it's always connected to "oh look, a fat person, panting because theyre fat." its the same for teeth. oh, how gross must i be, never brushing my teeth, i must eat nothing but sugar. a disgusting gross fat person who doesn't care about how they look. Yet it's the exact opposite.

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a note on the subject of diet; im vegan now. not the most immaculate diet but i eat good stuff. my biggest issue is when i eat; usually not eating all day. (shoutout to eating disorders)

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While we should all still be wearing masks, i'm dreading the time it stops being socially acceptable to do so. every part of me, i put effort into. my makeup, perfectly winged eyeliner, my hair, dyed and fluffy and shiny, i always smell good, wear nice clothes. But I have this disgusting secret that fucking terrifies me, if im honest.

there have been times ive thought itd just be easier to pull them all out and get dentures. a 20 year old with dentures. hah. its a better option than offing myself, which on multiple occasions i've thought about. my teeth are the last few straws on the camels back, so to speak.

hm. a small piece of my lower front teeth cracked off today while i was playing games. its what made me create this blog, finally. what made me write this as my first post. when a piece of your tooth falls into your hand there is that flash of panic. You feel your gut sink.

it is sad, in its own way, that the feeling no longer lasts for me.

perfect, straight, whole, white teeth. its what people want. How do you even live a life without at least decent teeth? sometimes it feels impossible. the fat, enby, dyed hair, socially inept, bad memory, disgusting teeth student. who would ever take them seriously?

...tooth decay is never, ever talked about in connection with depression, or mental illness. if anyone else out there is dealing with the same thing, im sorry. it's a genuinely terrifying thing to have to deal with. but its not just you.