apatheticveil - Tumblr blog

apatheticveil · 1 year

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Here we go again...

I want to meet the person that decided to make a large change in their life, stuck to it first time and succeeded. Is this a thing? I'm not talking about those that needed to quickly otherwise their lives were on the line. I mean habits or lifestyle changes that were going to increase the quality of life (but not necessarily kill it if you didn't do it)

I won't lie and say that I've ever been good at taking care of myself. Any aspect of self-care seems to have a wavering success rate. Skin, weight, food, health, hair, mental stability, everything.

The want to change and improve has been there for years. The actual motivation hasn't. Many attempts have fallen through.

I think the straw that broke the camel's back was bursting into tears when a colleague that I barely knew passed away. I was at my heaviest weight with terrible skin, drinking copious amounts of alcohol every day and eating whatever I could get my hands on. I had mood swings like a motherfucker and seemed to be stressed after the smallest inconvenience. Not only that but every 2 weeks, I seemed to get sick.

What does that have to do with crying over someone dying?

I cried 2x while at work and even though it was a sad event, I seemed to have taken it super hard. Even though I didn't know him well or spent much time with him. Queue to 3 hours later when I burst into tears 2 more times over my employee review. It was positive with one minor thing I needed to watch out for. I even knew it was something I wasn't good at. But apparently it upset me beyond belief.

I came home that night, drunk, swollen from crying and feeling sick wondering why the fuck I had cried so much. I think this is where I had finally hit the last of my tolerance. Guess what. I had to call in sick the next day too as whatever happened caused my body not to cope.

Now you would think I would resolve to make a change then and there. But nope. Took me another 3 months afterward to actually make the first step. That day was just when I knew that I wasn't in a good space. Mentally or physically.

Over those 3 months, my attention, stamina and energy got lower and lower and all parts of my personal and professional life suffered. I turned into the surly girl who couldn't hold a conversation (because I simply stopped caring what was being said) I would forget almost everything. My empathy was completely gone. And I started getting sick more and more.

I had to wait 6 weeks to have my anxiety medication balance my chemicals again (of course, I just had forgotten to take it for nearly 6 months). This seemed to be the one thing that gave me enough focus to look into a resolution.

I joined the weight loss challenge at my work. Not because I thought I could win. But because I wanted the humiliation of people knowing my weight. And being forced every week to stand up and have people watch the number on the scales. I'm a manager at my work. The only manager participating. In fact, I'm in the competition against one of my employees. I needed that level of embarrassment to show that maybe something isn't right here.

I joined the gym. Only because a handful of people in my life wanted to as well and I needed them to keep me accountable. This is going to come up again later. Also the fact I would now have to spend $90 a month (in a shit ass economy) so the want to exercise will be balanced with the fact I don't wanna waste money right now.

I spoke with a close friend (shout out Jamie) who also wanted to make changes in her life. Just knowing someone else was looking into self improvement made the thought not so daunting. Being asked how my progress was going made the answer of "not well, haven't done anything" more motivating. I hate seeing those words.

We had all these goals and I had shared them with a couple of other people. And I tried believe me I did.

But this is where things began to change for the better. And trust me, this is going to sound incredibly stupid. After looking at my list, i realised that in order for me to achieve anything, I need to actually heal myself. I was nowhere close to be able to physically or mentally do it. I would fail constantly. I don't have it in me to make these big changes and that's okay. I need to work on being okay enough so I can.

Lose weight? Sure. But maybe getting up in the morning without feeling like death would be a better start. Work on skin routine so that I have a perfect complexion? Not insane. But maybe look into eating a decent meal that doesn't make me nauseas would be a little better. Work out 5x a week? Maybe not snapping at everyone because I don't care what they're talking about is a little more important.

That is what clicked in my head. I'm not going to achieve anything if I can't function like a basic human being. I need to get through a month without feeling sick. I need to wake up feeling okay. I need to eat a meal and feel my body actually accept instead of reject. I need to go into a day with a positive outlook, not instantly a negative one.

The shift mentally seemed to have opened up my eyes. And this shift was only able to happen with having the positivity of the people around me and being very strict with my anti-depressants.

So with this in mind, I took awhile to process. What can I do to achieve this. I need to be healthier. Just so I have the strength to change. Have I tried being healthier in the past? Sure, and it fucking failed. Why? And that's where all of this really changed.

Psychologically, how do I work? What things work for me? How do I respond? I'm stubborn. Stubborn as fuck. I can use the "salesperson" gift and talk and manipulate. I need to be told. I need rules and I need to be held accountable. Being a strong, independent woman with no sense of what is good for you has fucked me up big time.

So I talked to the doctor. These are my issues. Do I need to be concerned? From a medical stand point, i'm okay for now but heading down a bad path. Great! Tell me the truth. Make me scared.

Next, I searched for a nutritionist. I hate food. I hate cooking. I hate shopping for food and meals and everything. I hate it with every fibre. But this is how we survive as a species. Fuck it alright. Tell me in plain terms what I need to eat. Stay on my ass. Keep an eye on me. If you let me wander, I will. If you give me any slack, i'll take it. I'm undisciplined with a strong head. Give me an inch, i'll fucking make a gigantic valley. The nutritionist I found offered all of the above. A 12 week plan where I have to check in with her. Meal plans, recipes, tests. A fucking app where I can message her. An app where I have to upload a food diary and she reads it every week. That there is what works for me. I need someone to watch over my shoulder but for my own good. Now for someone to surview me this close mustn't be cheap. And you're right. Just for the consults alone, i'm looking at close the $1k. Thats not including supplements, extra testing and oh yeah....THE FOOD. But like the gym. I'm paying money i dont really have to spare for this to happen. I'm guilted into making this work.

She works with gut health. An issue I've had since 5 mins into my life. Constant tummy aches, nausea, bloating, vomiting, food intolerances. Everything. On and off for my entire life. This isn't about losing weight. This is about health. I need to feel okay to make a change.

And here we are. I've been working with her for a month now and already i'm way better. She listens so intently and creates a personalised plan. This means I know that all the effort is for things specific for me. Not for the masses. I'm working on gut health, heart health and skin. Luckily, these seem to be very cohesive with one another.

So now that we are at this point, I finally feel like I have the energy to start looking forward at goals. Realistic goals.

The next 30 days, i'm about to enter into a plan to address some of these health issues. I have SIBO. You should have seen me when I found out. I was so happy. Finally something to grasp onto. A strict eating plan and an in depth supplement regimen. It's going to be hard but I maybe able to finally feel okay. This is where it all turns around. I can feel it. I'm so positive that this is a turning point. I want this blog to show and reflect my life changing (for the better).

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