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I hate how commercialized Easter has gotten.  Everyone is so obsessed with candy and getting new outfits that they can post on Facebook and Instagram. And let’s be clear, the gratuitous FB posts aren’t (really) about God, Jesus, or the actual meaning of Easter - it’s all about showing off your latest outfit to all your followers and throwing up a quick “He is risen! Hallelujah!” 

I’m pretty sure God doesn’t care what’s on your back -- He cares what’s in your heart. I just wish more people felt that way. 

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Being smart enough to realise you’re not as smart as you want to be is one of the worst feelings

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Watching the Hamildoc for the bajillionth time because I’m slightly obsessed (understatement of the year)

SN: since PBS and the Corporation for Public Broadcasting are on Trump’s chopping block, can we go ahead and get this on a DVD?  Kay, thanks. 

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Why Hermione Jean Granger is the true hero of the Harry Potter series

During my sophomore year of college, my public speaking professor assigned us “fun” debate topics.  One such topic was whether and why Hermione was the real hero of Harry Potter. (SN: the idiots in my group chose whether Lady Gaga is this generation’s Madonna as our topic but that’s neither here nor there). I’m bored and drinking glass of wine #2 on this glorious but cold Saturday afternoon, so I’ve decided to go though each book for anecdotal evidence proving once and for all why Hermione is the real hero of the Harry Potter series. 

SN #2: I’m doing this based on what I can remember from the books and movies.  I haven’t read the books in forever but the movies are on now. (Shoutout to Freeform for their constant Harry Potter Weekends)

Sorcerer’s Stone:

During the first Quidditch match against Slytherin, Hermione noticed that Snape appears to be jinxing Harry’s broom (she didn’t notice that it was actually Quirrell but still saves Harry anyways) . She sneaked up behind Snape and set his cloak on fire, breaking his eye contact and at the same time knocked over Quirrell, breaking his eye contact and allowing Harry to get back on his broom. 

Paid attention in Herbology and saved Harry and Ron from the Devil’s Snare en route to the Sorcerer’s Stone. 

THE FUCKING POTION RIDDLE. HERMIONE AND HARRY WOULD HAVE BEEN TRAPPED IN THAT ROOM FOREVER IF SHE WEREN’T AN ABSOLUTE GENIUS. To this day I’m still not sure why this scene was cut from the movie. 

Chamber of Secrets:

Came up with the idea of using Polyjuice Potion to trick Malfoy into telling them about the Chamber of Secrets. Stole a shit ton of ingredients from Snape’s private stores, risking detention, disembowelment or death if she was caught. Successfully brewed Polyjuice Potion. 

Movie only: destroyed Dobby’s rogue bludger while everyone else at the match watched.

Figured what what creature lived in the Chamber of Secrets, how to protect against it and how to destroy it. Harry and Ron may have been the ones to actually go in the Chamber, but they wouldn’t have figured it out if not for Hermione.  So she once again saves the day even though she was petrified. 

Prisoner of Azkaban:

Two words: TIME. TURNER. Without Hermione’s Time-Turner, Buckbeak is dead, Sirius has his soul sucked out, Harry never figures out that he can do the Patronus Charm, and the book/movie are about half as long. 

Figured out that Lupin was a werewolf. 

Also punched Malfoy which, although not life-saving, still brings me so much joy.

Goblet of Fire:

Founded S.P.E.W and became a champion for house-elf rights. Again, not heroic but noble. As a lawyer and a social engineer, I’m part of a community that fights for the underdog and downtrodden so I particularly identify with her desire to protect those

Figured out that Rita Skeeter was an unregistered Animagi and used that to blackmail her into not writing about Harry et al. (Hey, I’m a lawyer. I may root for the underdog but I always appreciate a good blackmail plot).

Order of the Phoenix:

(If I’m not mistaken), came up with the idea for Dumbledore’s Army and found a place for them to meet. Also implemented security measures to prevent any DA member from tattling to Umbridge. Jinxed the fuck out of  Marietta Edgecombe. 

Stopped Umbridge from torturing Harry by lying about where DA’s secret weapon was. Lured Umbridge out to the Forbidden Forest where she was kidnapped by centaurs, allowing Harry and the gang to get to the Ministry. (She also told Harry that it was a trap but he wanted to go anyways). 

Half-Blood Prince:

Seriously can’t remember anything epic that Hermione did this year. All the jealously and the raging hormones got in the way. 

Deathly Hallows:

Made the awesome sacrifice to Obliviate her parents’ memories so that they would be safe in Australia while she was fighting Voldemort. 

Had the foresight to pack Harry’s and Ron’s clothes in case they needed to escape quickly.... which they did. 

Realized that because the Sword of Gryffindor is impregnated with basilisk venom, it can destroy Horcruxes. 

Saved herself and Harry from Nagini/Voldemort at Bathilda Bagshot’s house. Broke Harry’s wand in the process but life > wand. Just saying. 

Got herself, Ron and Harry out of Xenophilius Lovegood’s house without blowing Ron’s cover that he was at home sick and while proving that Lovegood wasn’t lying about Harry being there. 

Had the presence of mind to conceal Harry’s identity as they were being captured by Snatchers. Bought Harry and Ron time to formulate some kind of plan while she was being tortured by Bellatrix fucking Lestrange (and by plan, I mean prayer to a broken mirror that resulted in Dobby coming to save the day). 

Damn near blew her cover as Bellatrix by acting like a “dewy eyed schoolgirl” (shoutout to Griphook for that shade) but came up with the idea of using the dragon to escape from Gringotts with the Horcrux. 

I’m sure I missed something but I can’t remember anything else. But the fact that I remember this much makes me think that I’ve watched and read WAAAAYYY too much Harry Potter over the years. Is that even possible?

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Sitting in the same train car as not one but two of my law school classmates and studiously pretending that I don't see either of them....

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Celebrating #NationalDrinkWineDay by drinking copious amounts of Riesling and texting inappropriate people... cheers!

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You know you're drunk when...

You have to look at the phone with one eye open so that you stop seeing double. In other news, going to a bar where you order a jack + coke and they give you a glass of straight jack and a small cup of coke was not the brightest idea I've ever had The world is agreeably blurry... ☺️

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Stupid Thing to Say to a Judge #471

Judge: come on man, act like an attorney. Attorney: why don't you act like a judge? Me: holy shit 😱

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Art by @samscenarist on Instagram.

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Saturday afternoon nap with Diego

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I caught feelings... can I give them back?

Full disclaimer: I’m writing this while listening to Adele and waiting for my NyQuil to kick in. God only knows how this is going to turn out... here goes nothing. 

An unrequited crush sucks. Balls. So there’s this guy. On paper, he’s everything I always wanted (and I have extremely high standards): tall, older, educated, steady job, owns a house (in DC, that’s a plus) comes from a nice family, handsome.  We’ve hung out platonically a few times and while the “dates” (I use the term very loosely) weren’t complete disasters, I’m always left with more questions than answers about him and his feelings toward me.  What’s worse is that I’m terrified to straight up ask because I'm scared of rejection.  So I’m left writing posts like this at midnight trying to find some meaning in every word that came out of his mouth tonight.  My lifelong tendency to overanalyze literally everything until I don’t know which way is up is in full force with him.  And my analysis could be completely off -- I don’t know because I don’t know him. 

My problem has always been that when I fall for someone, I fall HARD. But I don’t even know him well enough to know if the real him matches the idealized version I’ve created in my fantasies.  And I can’t just ask him to hang out and meet for coffee/drinks/dinner because -- surprise sur-fucking-prise -- I don’t want to seem desperate.  

Well that and the man never returns a fucking text message. It’ll be weeks before he’ll respond and when he does, he acts like it’s only been five minutes.  I don’t want to come across as nagging or needy, so I don’t say anything because I don’t think I have the right to.  Everything in me lifts up when I look at my phone and see a message from him because I equate a one word text for feelings. It can be weeks since I’ve heard from him and I’ll still wake up, check my phone, and die a little inside when I don’t see a message from him.

This shit hurts.  I have no idea why I have such intense feelings for him or how to make them stop.  I wish I could just snap my fingers and make them go away but, unfortunately, I can’t.  So it looks like I’m up for more sleepless nights trying to find a way out of these feelings while he’s sound asleep in his oblivious bed.  

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First Post...

Hi!! I’m Kel. I’m a 25 year old NC transplant in DC. I’m a lawyer (how the hell did that happen?) with a VERY dry, sarcastic sense of humor (it helps me cope). Nothing makes me happier than curling up on the couch with a glass of wine (told you I’m a lawyer lol) and my cat, Diego aka Dammit Diego. 

I recently realized that I needed a place where I could get thoughts out of my head and process them in some form. I’m too long-winded for Twitter and FB isn’t anonymous enough... thus this tumblr was born.  There’s not a particular theme to this blog, just sidebars ranging from smartass things I heard at work, random musings about relationships (real or imagined) and crazy things my cat did that made me say “Dammit Diego!” (yes, he does think that’s his name lol)

Well that’s enough about me. Stay tuned and in the meantime, you may approach the bench ;) (HA! cause I’m a lawyer, get it?)