arcthearctos - Tumblr blog

[arcthearctos]

I WANT TO FUCKING GUT THEM. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. YOU CAN'T SAY YOU MISS ME WHEN YOU SAT HERE CLOSING OUR FUCKING DMS TO USE DRUGS. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. YOU GREW DISTANT WITH ME FROM DRUG USAGE WHEN I WAS TRYING TO ACTUALLY MAKE IT WORK. AND THEN YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO SAY YOU MISS YOUR LOVER? FUCK YOU. YOU HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT.

[arcthearctos]

“do you want to talk about it?”

no, i want to kill myself because of it.

[arcthearctos]

The urge to delete everything and ghost everyone I care about so I can just rot until my inevitable exit from this sick place comes is insane.

[arcthearctos]

i feel like i’m too mentally ill to have good things happen in my life

[arcthearctos]

Sometimes there are not enough words to speak of the feelings of emptiness in the soul. Sometimes some things are best shared with tears from the depths of your being, being the only glance into the layers of agony that hides behind such a tired smile. Some days the world feels like it is caving, and there is no reason why other than the fact that it is - and it's reflecting back such images to you.

[arcthearctos]

If the words behind "I'm okay" was a mood board.

[arcthearctos]

Maybe I need to shut out the idea of love for awhile. I can't love others if I hardly love myself.

[arcthearctos]

I'm so fucking unlovable it hurts. I make myself unlovable sometimes, and I take responsibility for that. But most of the time, it feels as if i was never meant to be loved. And that is why my mind refuses it — that is why my mind pushes it away when it comes to me.

[arcthearctos]

Drunk and crying. What a way to end my weekend.

[arcthearctos]

The way I miss you hurts me. There's nothing else to say.

[arcthearctos]

Having to live a future you didn’t think you’d be alive for is so fucking hard

[arcthearctos]

In the end, is life not all about facades? There are many who play their own masquerade. To lie, to use, or simply conceal all they claim is hideous. However, is that not what makes us human?

We are born to be flawed. We build ourselves up, only to be knocked down, even by one's own self. To fall is such a natural thing yet most would forget. What goes up must come down. We cannot, and must not try, to change the inevitable.

Remember that you are not alone. Will you leave yourself on the ground, or will you end your masquerade and let another help you rebuild what once was? To rebuild a kingdom is no easy feat, even for a king.

We are born to be human, Arctos.

- 🎀

Ps. I hope one day you will learn that love is not simply a mere distraction. I have a few words to say about this, but I shall leave it at that for now.

My mind is scrambled, so I'll start by answering things a bit backwards. I hope you don't mind. Love is certainly more than a distraction. That was likely the melancholy speaking. But for me, I can't tell if it's truly love, or if it's merely the need for that attention - something else to cloud my heart other than the stresses I suffer. I believe it's truly love, but in a way, it's just as equal to a distraction. And that disappoints me. I do love the people I'm with if we're together long enough, or at the least definitely have romantic interest. But in a way, I think I also fully throw myself into the relationship to seek the love I truly want, and the distraction from myself I need at that moment in time. Remembering I am not alone is a difficult fear in itself. I'm used to rebuilding alone. I feel as if burdening people with how I truly feel on a day to day basis will just be a hindrance to them, and scare them away. There's not much to really say there. It's a personal reason I play the facade. But maybe I'll find a way to balance it without one. Only time will tell. Flaws and all, maybe I'll find the chance to accept them, and overcome them holding me down.

[arcthearctos]

Tw for Depression, Relapse and Alcohol. This is a vent post.

The hardest part of my day is acting like I'm okay. I'm not okay, and I haven't been in a long time. And that's okay. But it doesn't feel like it's okay. I have too many people to try and stay happy for. It hurts. Acting okay all the time. Somedays all I want to do is relapse. Relapse and drink until my liver gives out. I know it used to worry people but. I was happy. It numbed everything. I was naturally happy. So free. So cheery and giggly and it felt no longer like a facade. It felt real. I wish it was real. Maybe this is why I need someone to feel purpose. Someone to love. Maybe it's not just to have someone to love, but to have a distraction. To have someone fill the void where my happiness should be. To have someone be the one making me happy for once. Someone worried about my happiness completely. Someone who wants nothing more than to see me smile at all times. This is not to say I don't have people who want to see me happy, or try to be an impact in making me such. But they can only do so much with their own lives, and in the end, I'll be left alone. I need someone to give all my attention to, and for it to be returned completely. Constantly. We'll be each other's distraction. Because I think that's all love really is in the end. A distraction of the heart. But enough of this sad shit. I'll keep going. I have no choice but to. If push comes to shove, I'll just down the rest of this bottle. No one will hear from me during the night, and I'll be back to normal in the morning. Just like I should be.

[arcthearctos]

[arcthearctos]

I know this is a little late but, regarding your response.

We are young. Cry if you feel like it. There is no shame in expressing emotions so overwhelming that it cannot physically be contained within our bodies. There is no shame in letting yourself feel.

- 🎀

You made me cry /hj. But thank you, Doll. Sometimes I forget expressing such is a normal thing. It feels like as you get older, society likes to tell people there are only particular moments you should cry. Makes me forget it's normal and human to feel like wailing sometimes. So. Thank you. And make sure you take your own advice!!

[arcthearctos]

I feel very proud of you.

For letting go, and starting again. For trying, and wanting to change.

I do not believe I really need to say who I am. If you know, you know.

Thank you. It means a lot, truly. Not gonna lie, this might just make me cry /pos. It hurts to let go but. I can't move forward otherwise. Maybe it just wasn't the right time. Maybe they were just here for a lesson. I just hope that by the time we ever cross paths again, I can say I've changed for the better.

[arcthearctos]

Lowkey my friend is the only one that's keeping me going right now, I can't lie. The temptation to just down a bottle and die has been crazy lately. This is your reminder to give your people that are reasons to live some love for real.