arosejoy

[arosejoy]

I forgot to share my experimental sound project created last year with D-Sines Studio in Minneapolis. Ambient and experimental sounds to soothe and regulate the nervous system. Exploring a deeper awareness and presence within the body.

[arosejoy]

The Secret Garden at The Isabel Sows Its Seeds

The dream continues to grow and blossom. Land of my own, no matter how small the parcel, offers me opportunity to dig into the earth and get my hands dirty. Garden time is sacred and nourishing; three hours of flow as time passes without notice, sowing the tiny seeds in hopes they take root and grow.

Last year, on my rooftop patio garden at my apartment, I planted and harvested my first vegetables, just a few small plants and even this offered much joy. I’ve worked with many flowers in life, but vegetables were new and exciting; to pluck them fresh from the garden and eat them, divine!

This year, year one of The Secret Garden at Isabel, offers education, visions of how each year my garden will grow, and an appreciation for what life is in this moment.

Oliver and I sit on my beloved wicker love seat, taken from my Tiny Cabin on the old Lakehouse property, and take in this life. My rowhome lives in front of me, my deck, and the city in the background; the trees and plants and neighbors that are becoming a true community.

A deep sigh. I made it through the hardships of being severely mentally ill for most of my adult life thus far. I have reached a heaven on earth.

[arosejoy]

Hands Off! demonstration April 5th, 2025 at MN State Capital

[arosejoy]

Baby steps + Hope Brought Me Out and Through the Darkness

Five years ago, I graduated with my massage therapy certificate from Saint Paul College. I started practicing as a licensed MT for other studios while pursuing the Associates in Clinical Massage. I lived in a studio apartment. After a bit, I was then able to afford a one bedroom. Fast forward two years, and I could afford a two bedroom apartment with a dedicated treatment room. A little over a year ago, I started working from home very, very part time. Last July, I became fully self-employed. Now, I am moving into my very own home, a 1910 brownstone on the West Side of Saint Paul, with the assistance of my family. A forever home and place of business. A space to nurture both my self and others. A new community. A dreamy nest of comfort and beauty.

To witness and grow this business and life could not be done without my faithful clients. 🙏 I am living yet another dream come true. My dedication, grit, recovery and remission from chronic illness, support, luck and privilege have all brought me to this point.

2025 is now my fifth year of practicing as a licensed Massage Therapist. We never know where we can go with hard work and taking calculated risks. Putting our passion into play. Seeing growth through the tiniest of baby steps even when we are in a pit. Reaching up and out and inward all at the same time.

May you feel this in your life, as well. 🧡

I would love to hear your story, as well. Sharing helps us all.

[arosejoy]

What I'm Noticing After Leaving Instagram

I’m noticing benefits as I’ve removed mindless scrolling from daily life, removed being inundated with ads selling me things I don’t need, ads that tell me I need more and new and better to stay hip and with it, beauty products to alter my natural appearance and improve my aging face and body, weight loss drugs that if I were to take, would be dangerous as that rapid weight loss would fire up old Eating Disorder thoughts to get as small as possible regardless of the side effects. The urge to shop and spend money has largely been removed.

I feel steadier and more in tune with my self. I’m not comparing my life and self to others in the way I was. I’m more present at home in my down time, reading articles and essays versus numbing out with the mindless scrolling, or reading, or just sitting with my cup of coffee in the morning, listening to music. I’m taking more photos for private memories versus taking them with the intention of posting online. I feel strengthened knowing my time and attention is not benefitting the Meta universe.

These benefits improve my day to day health and well-being. I don’t really miss anything. I still have my Facebook account to connect with my recovery communities and immediate family, as well as discover events around town. I only go on that a few times per week. My phone time has been reduced dramatically. It’s a breath of fresh air.

Anyone else on this train ride?

[arosejoy]

Christmas 2024

[arosejoy]

Mail art postcard sold at the juice and smoothie bar quite a few years ago. I once in a while find one or two here or there. I've been thinking of doing a re-print of the series, as they were such a joy to send and people responded to them so well by purchasing them.

Really hoping I can carve out time for art journaling and mail-art again. I miss that space for myself. It is important for me to have this. Running my own business and learning my new field and career has taken up this metal and spiritual space I used to use for art. It is time to welcome it all back in, in small moments. I miss the play and freedom. It will take time to get back into the flow, but I know it is always there awaiting me and beckoning me.

Need to clear out the sunroom that was intended as an art room. It is full of junk, fitting analogy:) Carving out the physical space to create. But for now, I can start with sitting on the couch and creating a postcard for my friend who is need of some happy and uplifting mail. This is my goal for today. I have a new set of travel watercolors. Might have a cafe self date and start something there, as I used to do, create in the ambience. It is an overcast day, perfect, and I have time today.

[arosejoy]

I'm just...happy. I have healed at a deeper level than ever before in my life. My lifestyle is centered around recovery and wellness. I am now fully self-employed with my at-home massage and wellness studio. I am sharing my gifts while securing my future.

My work excites and honors all I have learned. The potential for a lifetime of learning and further developing and honing my skills and techniques and theories, it amazes me. To see the change I bring to others lives leaves me in tears of joy, at times, when I am quietly setting up the studio or ending my days, reflecting on the good I have been able to bring to others. To lessen their pain. It is fulfilling a very deep need within me.

I see my future very bright. I have let go of so much by opening up in vulnerability and no longer hiding in shame. Of course, there are days, such is life, however this few last years of stability have given me a hope I have not known before. I am no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have internally and externally made deep shifts. This is truly the new life. For this, I am grateful.

[arosejoy]

Awoke at 3am and layed in bed until 4am, when I got out of bed and reheated my leftover half-caff coffee from yesterday. If I brew a pot now, it contains decaf, allowing me for a few more cups of goodness. The warmth and creaminess and bitter and rich tones give me a boost in my days and are a way I self soothe and take a break; grounding my hands while holding the cup, while sitting and feeling present in my body and senses.

My dear friend passed away some days ago. He was in the depths and took his own life. This fuels me to document and share more of all sides and parts of life. If you have known this darkness, when the mind flips a switch and suddenly there is a plan...perhaps we can learn to recognize when things are going south and reach out before we fall deep into the pit. Sometimes the fall happens so quick, it seems endless, without a bottom, without a way out.

Please, check on your loved ones. They may not outwardly show their struggle. I used to be the master of disguise in many ways, so I speak from experience. I didn't realize that sharing the pain and truths of my life would make room for healing and coming back to center, back to wise-mind.

Actively listen while your people and acquaintances share about their lives. Hear the emotions, and feelings, and inner workings. Share your own vulnerabilities to create space for them to feel comfortable to share as well. Tell your stories. Create a life that serves your best self. Learn and understand the difference between empathy and compassion. (Follow the link for a book of Paul Bloom who started this conversation in the modern era. His perspecitives highly influenced my lenses of life and affirmed what I had been contemplating and practicing as a way to reach and be there for others, as a way to be present to my self, and just overall as a way of living.

[Per usual, free write, unedited]

[arosejoy]

My friend was collecting videos five years ago of people sharing stories. This was mine concerning my fears in painting after receiving mental illness diagnoses.

A lot has changed in five years, but in all honesty, I still am holding on to these fears and blocks surrounding creating through paint and tying it to my diagnosis and being sick.

I broke through the fears for a time and ended up painting two very large pieces that I showed at the Saint Paul Art Crawl. Then I went dormant as I fell into one of the deepest depressions while working for someone who was sexually harassing me day after day for years while I worked this job.

I felt small and weak and unable to share what was happening. Shame overtook me. I thought it was my fault entirely that this was the third owner/operator of a business that was treating me this way. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I stop this? These were the echoes and chorus of voices in my mind that kept me down.

I eventually went into such crisis that I went to residential eating disorder for two months after going to the ER, twice in two weeks, because I realized the switch flipped from suicide ideation to having plans.

I went and lived with my parents after treatment. I finally told my dad what was happening at my job, and in his strength and support and love, I saw that there was no way I was going to go back to that job.

I miss painting. I miss the brush and paint on canvas and the flow I would find my self in. I miss having the ability to express through paint what I do not have words for.

I have learned to find and identify the pathways to verbalizing some of the trauma and pain of my life, however, words do not compare for there is still so much that is inexpressible through language. I think in pictures.

I trust I will find my way back. I did start a new painting a few months ago. I sit and look at it, knowing exactly what the next step is, and yet…I still hold such pain around my artistry being my sickness and am feeling stuck in this area.

I’ve worked through so much. There will always be work to do. I will eventually get there again, one step at a time.

Here is to holding true to our gifts, despite when they are labeled as illnesses. Here’s to voicing when predators are preying and abusing. Here’s to my recovery of self and the lifelong process of learning how to be human.

[arosejoy]

[arosejoy]

11-25-11 Photobooth In-home art studio East Side House, Saint Paul

Notice the top photo, hanging on the wall the three images. The first one, it has a deep, dark pigmented black and I still remember the feeling of the brush against the paper. That mixed media series remains one of my favorites to these days - perhaps there are 8-10 pieces within in; a story of setting free what words can not encapsulate. It's tucked away in the attic of my parents garage, along with the plethora of pieces that came out of those years of searching within to find where I had become lost in my own life.

I am at a time now where I can begin to look back and reflect outwardly the experiences of those years when I lived so deeply within my self after starting life over. It is not just time that allows these words I share, I will not give time that value. It is the hard work, and grit, determination, that having a second chance at life, NOT dying, means work as well as reward, extremely uncomfortable situations and feelings and processes, and learning to go through versus around, or over, or under or in any other way of complete avoidance. It eventually comes back in one way or another. Trauma does not hide. It will present itself at every opportunity. An opportunity also for me to confront, and see, and take in, and breath despite the truth.

Avoidance means safety, often, to the mind in a troubled dynamic with trauma. This was the case for me. There have been events in my life that were too much to look at directly. I had to learn to tap into these feelings and memories without allowing them to take me over. Creating was the first way I was able to even think of what had taken place in my life and begin to find a way to let it out of me. It was a safe space that I could begin to unravel the images that would stand out in my mind, suddenly coming out of nowhere memories evoked that had been so long hidden, making me feel unreal and out of touch. Flashbacks...I can't begin to explain how scary they are. Or, perhaps, I just don't care to divulge some of the scarier details, is more like it.

Even though I showed and shared this collection of art with people, hanging at cafes, and having openings and celebrations, I never actually talked about the paintings/pieces themselves. I didn't have words and would direct any topics very far away from the truth. In that time, I suppose I just wanted to share them because it was such a need within me to create them. I thought that even if I did not have the words, there must be others too who do not have the words and can relate in some way.

Now, however, I do have the words and abilities to speak of that part of my life. The healing is ongoing in my mind, something that never ends, it is just a living of life, however, I have done the intense work through brainspotting trauma therapy, primarily, as well as medication therapy and my general therapist who has seen me since the age of 18. The triggers, the activation points, the memories no longer hold me in place, frozen. They simply are.

Yes, if I do not care for my self I am much more susceptible to the CPTSD taking over. However, I can count on one hand the number of episodes within the last two years. Compare this to years of daily episodes, and episodes lasting days and weeks and months. I just did not know what was happening. The gratitude of finally receiving the help I needed still moves me. I am continuing to find ways to live a lifestyle that furthers the health and wellness of my self and my life. It endlessly intrigues me, this exploration, the condition of being human.

I'm reminded that we all live our stories. I'm reminded that I do have so much control of my story, and some of it just is what it is, and I can choose the lens in which I take the narrative to heart. What is the story I am telling my self?

[free write; unedited]

[arosejoy]

[arosejoy]

8 March 2012

prepping for a sharing

[arosejoy]

Just living the dream over here in Saint Paul.

[arosejoy]

Taking care of business in bed this late morning; already this week I have set up Secret Garden Saint Paul Massage, Bodywork and Wellness Studio on Google Maps, received reviews, revamped my booking site, and started posting regularly on my social media accounts: @arosejoy on instagram as well as the studio @secretgardensaintpaul.

My first month of my new home and studio, I have increased the number of bookings with friends and family. Looking forward to continued growth and movement towards being fully self-employed.

It is natural for me to intersect my business and creative mind - engaging the full brain to create my dreams into reality. I have seen so much come into fruition throughout my life: my tiny cabin, travel, self publishing a book, sharing my paintings, expanding my outreach through bodywork, and learning to live as my neurodivergent self in love and prosperity and recovery from the chronic disorders that plagued me through my adult life, until the last few years.

Finally, the new book is opening up. It has been coming to life for quite some time through dedication of walking through and within the darkness to see the glimmer of light. It becomes brighter and brighter. It is a joy to share.

[arosejoy]

This is how lovely my life looks right now. ❤️

For the first time in over 5 years, I am displaying my book again. Inspiration for continued projects and visions. I am in love with my own life.