artemismoons36

[artemismoons36]

TW//: reference to s3lf-h&rm

I am littered with scars, fresh and old, that remind me how high I have climbed. Reminders, of who I have been. How far down it would be to fall.

My room is littered with memories, fresh and old, that remind me of how high I have climbed. Reminders, of who I am hurting, scarring, littering. And I wonder if I will look back on today with the same guilt, the same hurt, when I inevitably do what I have done today.

My mind is littered with empty thoughts and heavy feelings, fresh and old, that remind me of how high I have climbed. Reminders, of my past innocence. of how much I have felt, of how much freedom that was bursting through my veins, that carried through my blood and started at my head, at my thoughts.

[artemismoons36]

my luck was long gone before I started wishing on eyelashes.

the seeds were already sown,

my thoughts already formed.

wishing on a few eyelashes never changed anything.

no amount of wishes on a candle

or a knife in a cake can change what has already been lain.

no amount of incense can change what fate has decided.

no amount of praying can convince the divine.

and no amount of wishing can change what they've chosen.

[artemismoons36]

If I could scream a thousand times for you to hear me, I would.

If I had to walk until my body gave in so that I could be near you, I would.

If I had to speak forever and ever just to see you smile, I would.

If I could hug you a million times, if I could hug you beyond our bodies, I would.

If there was a way for the moon to embrace the sun, I would.

If I could have the feeling of you near me every second of the day, I would.

If I had to talk until my voice no longer worked I would.

[artemismoons36]

I still remember the way my thighs hurt on dad's shoulders

The way I would try and balance and walk on a thin bit of stone every weekend

I would steady more and more every time.

I remember how the shops looked

Shops that held so many memories that I wish I could go back to.

Those shops are closed now, but it doesn't stop me from looking in their place every time I walk by, hoping for a glimpse into the past.

Despite my innocence and naivety, I still worried like I do today.

I would dread going to ballet every Saturday and having to get up every Sunday for church.

It is nothing compared to what I feel today, but I know that I convinced myself that those feelings were normal, that crying almost every weekend was normal.

I don't think I was ever truly free from these feelings. I cried so much as a child but I had so many laughs to combat it. They were so much more fleeting than what I feel today, so every time they passed I would not think of them too much.

Now, though, it seems as if my feelings consume me. I feel so hopeless when I want to cry and I am shocked every time someone believes me when I say what I feel.

[artemismoons36]

When I was younger I dreamt I could walk on the sky

If I turned upside down it looked as if I could, so why couldn't I?

Then the blood would rush to my head and I would have to sit back up and the sky looked distant again

No longer walkable, no longer in arms reach.

I could not feel the clouds, no matter how much I wanted to.

[artemismoons36]

My soul was split open

My mind was a cave for explorers;

Digging, scratching, unsurfacing.

The fear consumes whatever is left

Whatever fragments I left for myself

I have never been so open

I cannot control it

I cannot box it and forget about it and bury it

They know

They know

They know

And I cannot change it as much as I want to

It's so terrifying it makes me want to go

And run away

Somewhere

Anywhere

I want to restart

Just for this to replay

Again

Again

And again

As much as I want to control this I cannot

My regrets pile on and make me want to bury myself so deep

[artemismoons36]

My fingers are stained with blue dye

I cannot stop crying

My fingers are reaching out for more of that innocent blue

But they find nothing

Nothing but tears

Who knew existing would be this hard?

Who knew mourning over yourself would hurt this bad