ascendantevolution - Tumblr blog

[ascendantevolution]

Are You a Steward of Light?

Yes. We all are. Unfortunately, look around us and see the many who have forgotten. I think we all do at times. It is easy. The school room Earth is set up to give us tests. Distractions are wonderful for forgetting who we are and why we are here. 

Addictions are yet better. For the longest time, when I was one of the addicts, I was thankful that it appeared that most drinkers gave each other grace. Shared guilt. We are social creatures fulfilling social contracts that say we are okay and that we belong. In short, it is collusion. “I see your addiction and say nothing if you return the favor.” It is easy to stay locked into such an environment.

What is my point? Why does it matter? 

Because every single one of us matters. We are all potential lights in a world rife with raging conflict. It may sound trite, but the truth is anything but trite. The ugly truth is that a battle is raging among forces of good and evil and ranging through levels of realities. 

I do not care for the dualistic terms “good” and “evil” - they sound so simplistic and religionist. And yet, I can feel them for the complex energies they are, seeing evidence of them as a growing chasm between the black and white, haves and have nots, men and women, big business and the little man, industrialization and nature. 

We are meant to be rising out of polarities. Resonating in ways that hum with the ALL would mean an increasing sense of respect for others while simultaneously seeing the other as an integral part of the self. Encroaching on the well-being of others may well be the dividing line.

We are meant to be ascending with our dear Gaia, and we who are awake have a responsibility to not be distracted, to not be addicted, such that we can engage in assisting our brethren as they awaken. Indeed, it sounds like fodder for a fantasy novel, like something out of a Tolkein novel. But, for those who feel it, who resonate with what I am saying, we can take action.

How? 

Tip the scales against the energy that resonates with service-to-self and all of the descending energies that threaten to bring this great, human experiment on Earth to its end. Do this in whatever way we can, no matter how big or small. It could mean countering a service-to-self view point at a dinner party instead of smiling in silent compliance. It could mean offering a smile to someone who is having a bad day and may not have capacity to be nice. For those with influence, it means speaking out - and loudly. 

So, I repeat the question: Are you a steward of light?

Originally written December 12, 2021.

Ⓒ 2021 S’Tara Merit, All Rights Reserved.

[ascendantevolution]

Champion of Light Expansion: Addressing Dark Sentiments

Those with any level of awareness can feel that something is different. They can sense that a major shift is underway in the world. 

When we look around us, we see expansion everywhere. New ideas are challenging old mindsets. New ways of being challenge traditional paradigms. The more expansive thinking becomes, the more polarized thinking is highlighted. Those beholden to the polar ends of any system are reacting with increasing intensity. There appears to be an increasing desperation as the change presses us into confusion, which then feeds conflict, both internal and external. 

There are many who appear to be unaware of any shift, taking part in the drama. There are also those who actively participate, being fed by it. Then there are those who feel guided by something deep inside to retreat as a way of not participating because what they see becomes painful for them. Something inside of them wants to do something about it, but they are afraid or overtaken by overwhelm. Many of these people turn their anxiety inward, and we see evidence of that in growing numbers of people cutting themselves, starving themselves, suffering addictions of all kinds, and committing suicide.

Our Higher Selves, as extensions of Spirit itself, are asking us to make different choices. We are being charged to embrace our authority as Divine Beings and Stewards of Light, to sacrifice our need for personal comforts, to sacrifice relationships if need be, to help the purification of our human collective before it destroys itself and the Earth.

Unconditional love is the answer. Be a champion of unconditional love. Do not be afraid to speak out against acts of fear and hate. In everyday conversations, if someone says something off color or fear-mongering, even in a joking manner, rebut with a reminder that there is a more loving, alternate perspective. Deliver the message with love. You won't be the popular one at the table, but if enough of us do this day to day, eventually we will be the majority. I guarantee there are others at the table who feel the same way but are afraid to say it. In speaking, we empower them to speak as well. One incident at a time. Imagine the power of our influence when we choose to become a Champion of Light Expansion.

Originally written August 1, 2021.

Ⓒ 2021 S’Tara Merit, All Rights Reserved.

[ascendantevolution]

Learning to Surrender: Finding truth through moon work and Maiden, Mother, and Crone

Surrender has to be one of the hardest concepts to understand as a human being. When someone says that they surrendered, what I have finally come to understand is that they came to a place of deep trust in a process. 

It took me a long time to move beyond my surface-level understanding of surrender as a giving in or giving up. I am sure some people have experienced it that way, especially when they hit rock bottom. I myself have had that experience. It has been years since, and now I see I was in some ways forced into surrender. I resigned myself to it. The other option was death. As true as all that may be, surrender is much more complex than that very obvious version.

It doesn't have to be that hard. Surrender doesn't have to mean hitting the bottom. Unless, of course, you are stubborn as I am, refusing to go gently. Long hard-headed, I have finally learned that surrender can be gentle and very intentional. I choose this form of surrender now, every day.

My Moon study should also be called moon worship because it requires my undivided attention every day of every “moonth.” My study has truly opened up a world of magic for me. Every month, I follow the cycle of the moon, and in doing so, the Moon teaches me to follow my own cycles.

At the beginning of every month, I light candles, and I write intentions. My intentions are twofold. They are centered around the flaws and wounds that I am releasing as well as what I am calling to me. Throughout the month, I intentionally observe the progress and process of what I have released while intentionally working to manifest those things I've called to me. My worship is a form of taking responsibility for myself, for my actions, for my healing, and for my soul's growth.

So, what does this have to do with surrender? My study is in and of itself a surrendering everyday as I move through my processes. It is a surrendering to truth, being honest, and being clear, about me, for me.

However, there is another study I have undertaken with the Moon, and that is the study of the triple goddess. The triple goddess can be seen as a metaphor for our stages of life as well as the stages of any process we are going through. In all cycles there are beginnings, middles, and ends. To these we can assign the idea of the maiden, the mother, and the crone. By attaching personalities to abstract concepts, concepts which carry energy which is very real, we empower those concepts/energies to teach and guide us through our processes.

The Maiden teaches me to remember to remain light, curious, and to see my beauty and the beauty of life around me. She reminds me to smile and to dance, to buy flowers, and to daydream.

The Mother teaches me that I am always loved, that Life herself is supporting me in all of my growing and work, and that I have a responsibility to be those things for Gaia, humanity, in All creatures, big and small.

The Crone shows up big for me, especially as I am heading into my crone years of life. She has been the Maiden, and she has been the Mother. She has also done a lot of living, which includes loving and suffering, in her many years. She is heavy with experience, but she doesn't let it get her down. In fact, she teaches that incredible experience requires incredible responsibility to hold ourselves accountable for loving ourselves as well as others, and to do good for the ALL. Her experience teaches us that we are always taken care of, and so we can trust, which means that we can surrender.

Surrender requires a different kind of strength. In the way I am speaking of it here, it is a choice, and that comes from within. I must yield my ego, the illusion of control, service-to-self, and self-harm. When I yield, I tap into a strength beyond any I could have imagined. 

I have found that, when I surrender, I yield to the flow of life, which in the East is called the Tao. 

I love being in the flow. When I am in the flow, it feels like everything is right, and when I feel that way, Life responds with abundance. Flow allows surrender to abundant mindset, one that begins with a deep worthiness if that which comes into my life. The more I flow, the more I feel connected to Spirit and Gaia. I feel aligned to my Higher Self, and then all things are revealed to me as I need them: my life purpose, my mission, and my next steps on my path. None of it is possible without surrender.

If I make it sound easy, I will say that it's taken me 50 years to figure it out. The Crone speaks. However, it is possible to choose it for yourself at any age because your Higher Self is ancient and knows what you need, just as Spirit knows.

Trust is an act of love. Learning to love unconditionally begets love of the All, which imbues trust, which allows surrender, which reveals purpose, which begets more love in the creative process of embodying the purpose.

Love. Surrender. Live your purpose. Your Higher Self is calling you home.

Originally writing July 4, 2021.

Ⓒ S’Tara Merit, 2024.

[ascendantevolution]

Trust Your Experience

Fear tactics do not pave the path to true faith. Our society dictates that, if we do not listen and adhere to the teachings in a sacred text, spiritual authority, and the beliefs of our families, we will be doomed. The state of one's soul must be one's personal business. My Spirit Team brought me to this writing today with a very clear message for all of us: 

Trust your experience; trust what you feel in your heart.

Spiritual matters can indeed be scary matters. It feels like there is so much riding on making the right choices along the way, and there are so many choices to make, so many ways to screw up, so many ways to end up in hell. That is, if you believe in hell.

That is not to say, do not seek and study. Please seek and study as many things as you can, from as many cultures and beliefs and books and teachers and teachings, as you can. The more you can learn, the more your faith will be shaped by personal choice. Seems paradoxical, but absolutely true.

Beyond the studying and learning, there is the practice that must be put into place. Spiritual practice leads to personal, spiritual experiences. What each person experiences is going to be different, and yet there might be similar themes. The experiences are different as each person's perceptions are different, and that unique perspective can either give one power or sink one in fear. The similar themes, omens, symbols are wonderful confirmations that one is not alone in what they are experiencing spiritually, essentially helpmates for overcoming personal fears. 

Did you have imaginary friends as a child? Have you ever had an experience you cannot explain? Have you seen a ghost or heard phantom noises? Have you ever had a premonition to make a last minute change of course that saved your life? Have you ever felt the presence of Spirit? Have you ever felt like Spirit was communicating to you through your dreams? Through other people? Through a song? Through signs? Have you felt the hair raise on the back of your neck? 

Did you ever have caretakers tell you that there were no such things as imaginary friends? Have you ever been told that if you believe in ghosts or aliens you might be crazy? Have you ever been afraid to share an experience you have had because you might be called “crazy”? Have you ever felt alone in your spiritual world and development?

You are not alone. You are not crazy. You are awake to spiritual life on another level. Some would call it an energetic field. (And energy is a bonafide phenomenon.) 

Embrace being awake. 

Grow your sensitivity. 

Learn to trust your experience more than what someone else has to say about it. 

Trust comes from a feeling that is born in the heart. What does your heart say about your experiences?

© S'Tara Merit, 2024

[ascendantevolution]

The Necessity of Duality

Much of the focus of my spiritual growth over these last years has in some shape or form touched on non-duality. It began with being guided to observe instances of polarity - the simplified areas of judgment that snag every living human: black versus white thinking. Male versus female. Christian versus Muslim. Straight versus gay. Religion versus science. Spirituality versus dogmatism. Need I go on?

That focus on duality had led to a profound exploration of dark versus light. In turn, I have been guided to see them not as points of opposition, but as points of balance. My growing understanding has led to a dismantling of an almost innate fear of darkness. In turn, it has unlocked a new and profound perception of the world.

I have been standing between worlds, 3D reality and the spirit world, all my life. In my naive past, I saw them as being 100% exclusive of each other, an either/or perception, which forced choices between them. I found myself veering into the spirit world every once in awhile, sometimes suppressing it (out of fear), and choosing the (imbalance) of staying anchored in the 3D. My shifting perspectives on dark and light has led to a profound need to pull toward the middle.

The middle presents an alternative to either/or thinking: stand in both worlds, to take Spirit into 3D reality, and to bring reality into my spiritual work. As such, this morning, my tarot reading was more clear than ever. Non-duality showed up with a clear message about being authentically human while insisting on being true to my spiritual nature and calling. It was a call to refuse to split the two.

You may be asking, What’s the point?

When we choose to walk the middle path, life becomes easier. The either/or split of mind or heart instead becomes a guiding of the mind with the heart - balancing our perspective, helping to guide us, moment to moment, away from oversimplified judgment to discernment. Discernment provides a profound clarity that can guide us through the minefields of life where we are expected to pick sides or are pressured to be something that we are not.

The polarities lead to dysfunctional agreements within a culture rife with a vested interest in keeping polarities alive and well. As long as we are kept fighting, living in fear, suffering, shaming and feeling ashamed, we are powerless to step fully into ourselves as we are meant to be in life - fully self-actualized and living with purpose.

Perhaps an example would be helpful.

I have been on the spiritual dojo mat more times than I wish to count. I have been bruised and battered and humbled. In trying to carry spirituality into my 3D world, perhaps my greatest sparring partner has been my relationship with one of my parents. Background: I have suffered a lifetime of being disempowered by someone who is supposed to love me most in the world - my mother. My ego has reacted in so many ways, some of which I am embarrassed to admit. Much of that reaction has been as a result of the on-going, toxic relating. The conflict that has been the central point of my struggle in being a so-called “spiritual person” has been as the result of oscillating between two polarized ends of this painful issue.

On one end, I was psychologically and emotionally abused, not only as a child, but into adulthood. It took me decades to see that, every time I had an interaction with my mother, I would walk away injured and slip into a depression for the the following weeks. The result of continuing to put myself in harm’s way was a self-defeating, self-sabotaging, self-destructive streak that was ultimately as a result of seeing myself as a victim. Who had the power to make it stop? Me. And only me.

On the other, polar end was a culture that demands a sense of duty and obligation to parents and family, no matter what. Well, in our culture, physical abuse has become an acceptable reason to part from family. Psychological abuse can be just as insidious as physical abuse, and yet, we are supposed laugh off painful, passive aggressive “jokes” and ignore terrible comments and behavior because “that’s just how your mom is.” The scars of prolonged exposure are deep and impact how I “do” life. And although my counselor was helpful to me warming up to the idea of my eventual divorce from my mother, I avoided the thought because the thought, all by itself, induced a weighty guilt that was just too great. I mean, how can one abandon their parents? That’s a sin, isn’t it?

Finally, as with many other things that I have viewed from one end or the other, or swung wildly between, creating emotional and therefore physical and spiritual instability, I finally realized that there was a space in the middle. No longer sitting in the victim polarity, I decided that I would no longer accept abuse, which meant I had the right to protect myself from my parent, which meant that I couldn't be around her. On the other polar end, I was finally able to reconcile that I the only duty I ultimately have is to myself. I can no longer be beholden to a culture that accepts abuse as a norm in an effort to keep the peace and families together. I have no duty to a culture that does not recognize my pain and my need to be free of it.

The middle path helped me to find a calm and “spiritual” perspective that allows for all factors to coexist in honest reality, from what lies in the polarities to everything in between: The abuse happened, and my suffering has led to greater wisdom and empathy in many ways, and the abuse can happen no more; my mother is a deeply troubled individual with her own wounds, and she does the best she can with what she has, and for that I feel great compassion, and I can no longer allow the abuse to happen because she refuses to work to heal herself; I can see the silver linings, and I can love her unconditionally and with gratitude for all that she has given me that has been good, and the abuse can not be allowed to happen any longer.

Similar lessons have brought me to the middle, especially in the arenas of man versus woman and religious versus scientific. By finding the value of both ends, and all that stands between them, I find myself appreciating the benefits, hindrances, and balance of it all. I also can now clearly see that, when my ego sinks into duality, I suffer. I slip into self-doubt because I am subject to the judgments of those who are invested in living from the polar ends. As much as my fellow victims may be mystified by my audacity, as much as my culture may shame me for my choice, I cannot betray myself anymore. We are not meant to live in doubt of ourselves.

Non-duality means rising above 3D vision to observe the truth of situations, to take an accounting that is objective, to judge without being judgmental, to be free of the heat of explosive, emotional reaction. In the end, it is a freeing gift.

© Estara Merit, 2024

Photo by Kourtney Gundersen

[ascendantevolution]

Balancing the Physical and Spiritual in the Human Experience

One of my major goals is to try to stay firmly rooted in the physical while remaining absolutely connected to the spiritual. I want to live on the bridge between 3D (everyday, physical existence) and 5D (among other things, the spiritual realm). More accurately, I want to exist in 5D and "do" 3D. I have no doubt that I am on this Earth to learn things and to do things that are very specific to what Spirit wants and needs done. That requires thoroughly engaging in the 3D, meaning the physical realm - as if I have a choice. Sometimes life comes at me, and there is nothing to do but to respond.

In the Tarot, there is a card called the Tower. This card depicts a tower that is being struck by lightning. The lightning has cleaved the tower so that the top of it is tumbling off and is going to hit the ground. Meanwhile, there are people falling from the tower. Some are feet first, indicating that they chose their fate by taking the leap out of the tower, which is falling around them. The others are falling head first, indicating they were pushed from it by force.

Typically, having a Tower show up in a tarot card reading is not viewed as being favorable because they indicate change, which scares people. For the record, some Tower moments are awesome, like when new love shows up, or a job offer comes out of nowhere. Tower moments in life are going to happen.

That being said, when I have a Tower moment appear in my life, sometimes I get pulled off of my bridge between 3D and 5D, pulled back to find myself firmly planted in the physical, staring into the opening of a maze. New learning is about to happen. I don't know where it's going, but I do have a choice. I can either freeze and stand at the entrance forever, until another Tower moment comes along to kick my ass down my path, or I can willingly walk in.

Once in the maze, surrounded by the walls of green leaves, I have found that it can be easy to lose sight of it all. My life. Spirit. The 5D. Sometimes I feel very alone because, ultimately, it is my journey. I have felt resentful. I want nothing more than to not be in the maze, to know where I'm going, and there is a part of me that wants to go back. If I resist, I get another ass whipping to push me down the path. It took me a long time to figure out that there is no other way but forward. Seems obvious, but resistance to change is one of my greatest flaws as a human.

There is a difference between going forward, and going forward in trust. When I was younger, as I moved forward, I focused on the path and the tunnels I was walking through, so much so that I would lose sight of my purpose in my journey.

Now, older and wiser, I realize that my current path is somehow a part of my purpose, and both mean everything to me now. I must move forward in trust. Faith. Something magical happens when I do move with trust. I get drawn back into the 5D. In other words, my spirit helps me to rise to a higher perspective, being that of the spiritual realm. In doing so, my physical self is left in the maze, doing the "do" while my Spirit works through my Higher Self, which shows me the way.

I understand how hard it is not to get caught up in the feelings of being lost and battered and tired in the 3D realm called Life. Believe me, I have suffered and suffered. I have suffered so much that I am motivated to share my hard-earned learning with whomever will listen, helping others suffer less, hopefully.

No matter how broken your heart, no matter how much shame you feel, remember that all of it has purpose. Remember that you have purpose. Remember that you are loved and shepherded, always. Whatever you do, try not to give in to losing sight of the bigger picture . . . do not lose your connection with Spirit. When we stay anchored to our purpose, and Tower moments aren't nearly as scary.

Originally written in the Spring of 2021.

[ascendantevolution]

Spiritual Transformation —> Transmutation: The Purpose of Pain (Copy)

I do a tarot and oracle card reading every morning as a way to connect with Spirit. My card reading this morning was in response to the question, “What do I have left to heal in myself?”

One of the cards that popped up this morning was a Pluto card, which points to 1) darkness being an essential part of balance in the cosmos, and 2) there were things that I needed to resolve in myself that I was not seeing. I was prompted by my Guides to pull tarot for this card to get some clarification and assistance.

Before I could begin pulling tarot cards, Spirit and my Guides began to speak to me: I have wounds, which I thought were healed, still causing me pain. I was shown shadowy fragments lodged in my chakras and light body, fragments of control, fragments of judgment, fragments that have silenced me my whole life. It doesn't matter who the fragments were from. What does matter is that they have been lodged in me since childhood, leaving me feeling disempowered on a very deep level. Of this, I was unaware. Forever will I continue to be humbled.

Eating my words, my feelings, my needs my whole life ultimately led me down a path to self-destruction. I often call this my Great Annihilation. It was my Phoenix moment. The ultimate Tower moment. A complete shattering of the self. The Dark Night of the Soul.

It has been seven years since my rebirthing process began. It has been a period of serious transformation. But, even as I write the word transformation, it no longer accurately describes my process. I had to be re-membered, as in putting the members of myself back together piece-by-piece. However, before that re-membering could happen, I had to stand in a metaphorical fire and let it burn away all of the parts of me that had become necrotic. Let me be clear: The pain I felt in that fire was nothing compared to the pain caused by the necrotic parts that leached self-hate into my system for years. I absolutely loathed who I was.

So, my rebirth was not a transformation as much as a transmutation. I am no longer THAT person - who I was - anymore. Just as our physiology regenerates every so many years at the cellular level, I have regenerated. I am truly a new version of me.

These past years have been a slow building upon the newly forged, re-membered, transmuted me. In that process, my spiritual world, which I had rejected for decades - out of fear of being rejected, called “crazy,” and because some otherworldly beings can be flatout terrifying to deal with - opened up. Spirit is with me everyday now. The Angels work with me everyday. My Guides talk to me all day, every day.

As a result of my card reading this morning, my Spirit Team led me through an amazing energetic healing process. When it was all said and done, before I came out of that space where my energetic healing happened, before I opened my eyes, I was shown in the clearest of terms the purpose of it all.

Why the wounds? Why the pain?

Our open wounds compel us to move somewhere. The pain makes us move. We have free will, though, which means that we get to choose how we want to proceed. Will we face the pain and grow as a result of processing it? Will the intensity of the pain paralyze us at the mouth of our path? Will we take two shots of whiskey and amble down the path with our earbuds blaring gangsta rap so that we are distracted and don’t have to deal with it? (Not advised - I tried this, and it is always THE most losing proposition).

There is no escaping the pain because there is no escaping Earth School. We are here to grow and learn. Period.

Here’s the deal: If we listen to the pain, it becomes one of our greatest guides and teachers. Our open wounds lead us where we need to go. The journey through the pain requires incredible courage because we have to experience it fully as we move through memories and traumas, through all shapes and sizes of the wounds that have been the result.   However, experiencing the pain endlessly, sometimes driven by feelings of shame and guilt, or because we have been taught to be comfortable with these feelings, perhaps even deserving of them, becomes a neverending feedback loop of misery. Self-flagellation forever is not the goal. Integration and gratitude for the learning is the goal.

Remaining in the mire prevents our wounds from closing. I have been shown that, once we land firmly in the learning, after we have fully embraced the suppressed or avoided emotions that needed healing, we must consciously choose to extract ourselves from the mire. We need to let the wounds dry out so that they can scab over and finally heal.

When the pain no longer serves, unconditional love, compassion, forgiveness, and grace become our balm. Free will, Baby - we get to choose that for ourselves. Pull out the poison. Cauterize the wound. Call in the Angels to seal it with Light and Love.

Then stand back and look at the scar with love and admiration. Tell yourself, with loving pride, “I DID that. I survived that shit!” That scar is a beautiful reminder of

the sacred journey

. Let it become a source of empowerment and wisdom to guide your future days as well as to benefit others.

Originally written in the Spring of 2021.

[ascendantevolution]

Spiritual Transformation —> Transmutation: The Purpose of Pain

I do a tarot and oracle card reading every morning as a way to connect with Spirit. My card reading this morning was in response to the question, “What do I have left to heal in myself?”

One of the cards that popped up this morning was a Pluto card, which points to 1) darkness being an essential part of balance in the cosmos, and 2) there were things that I needed to resolve in myself that I was not seeing. I was prompted by my Guides to pull tarot for this card to get some clarification and assistance.

Before I could begin pulling tarot cards, Spirit and my Guides began to speak to me: I have wounds, which I thought were healed, still causing me pain. I was shown shadowy fragments lodged in my chakras and light body, fragments of control, fragments of judgment, fragments that have silenced me my whole life. It doesn't matter who the fragments were from. What does matter is that they have been lodged in me since childhood, leaving me feeling disempowered on a very deep level. Of this, I was unaware. Forever will I continue to be humbled.

Eating my words, my feelings, my needs my whole life ultimately led me down a path to self-destruction. I often call this my Great Annihilation. It was my Phoenix moment. The ultimate Tower moment. A complete shattering of the self. The Dark Night of the Soul.

It has been seven years since my rebirthing process began. It has been a period of serious transformation. But, even as I write the word transformation, it no longer accurately describes my process. I had to be re-membered, as in putting the members of myself back together piece-by-piece. However, before that re-membering could happen, I had to stand in a metaphorical fire and let it burn away all of the parts of me that had become necrotic. Let me be clear: The pain I felt in that fire was nothing compared to the pain caused by the necrotic parts that leached self-hate into my system for years. I absolutely loathed who I was.

So, my rebirth was not a transformation as much as a transmutation. I am no longer THAT person - who I was - anymore. Just as our physiology regenerates every so many years at the cellular level, I have regenerated. I am truly a new version of me.

These past years have been a slow building upon the newly forged, re-membered, transmuted me. In that process, my spiritual world, which I had rejected for decades - out of fear of being rejected, called “crazy,” and because some otherworldly beings can be flatout terrifying to deal with - opened up. Spirit is with me everyday now. The Angels work with me everyday. My Guides talk to me all day, every day.

As a result of my card reading this morning, my Spirit Team led me through an amazing energetic healing process. When it was all said and done, before I came out of that space where my energetic healing happened, before I opened my eyes, I was shown in the clearest of terms the purpose of it all.

Why the wounds? Why the pain?

Our open wounds compel us to move somewhere. The pain makes us move. We have free will, though, which means that we get to choose how we want to proceed. Will we face the pain and grow as a result of processing it? Will the intensity of the pain paralyze us at the mouth of our path? Will we take two shots of whiskey and amble down the path with our earbuds blaring gangsta rap so that we are distracted and don’t have to deal with it? (Not advised - I tried this, and it is always THE most losing proposition).

There is no escaping the pain because there is no escaping Earth School. We are here to grow and learn. Period.

Here’s the deal: If we listen to the pain, it becomes one of our greatest guides and teachers. Our open wounds lead us where we need to go. The journey through the pain requires incredible courage because we have to experience it fully as we move through memories and traumas, through all shapes and sizes of the wounds that have been the result.   However, experiencing the pain endlessly, sometimes driven by feelings of shame and guilt, or because we have been taught to be comfortable with these feelings, perhaps even deserving of them, becomes a neverending feedback loop of misery. Self-flagellation forever is not the goal. Integration and gratitude for the learning is the goal.

Remaining in the mire prevents our wounds from closing. I have been shown that, once we land firmly in the learning, after we have fully embraced the suppressed or avoided emotions that needed healing, we must consciously choose to extract ourselves from the mire. We need to let the wounds dry out so that they can scab over and finally heal.

When the pain no longer serves, unconditional love, compassion, forgiveness, and grace become our balm. Free will, Baby - we get to choose that for ourselves. Pull out the poison. Cauterize the wound. Call in the Angels to seal it with Light and Love.

Then stand back and look at the scar with love and admiration. Tell yourself, with loving pride, “I DID that. I survived that shit!” That scar is a beautiful reminder of

the sacred journey

. Let it become a source of empowerment and wisdom to guide your future days as well as to benefit others.

Originally written in the Spring of 2021.

[ascendantevolution]

How Psychic Abilities Work

My whole life, I have been reticent to describe myself as a psychic, or anything closely related to what that word conveys, to people.  So that we are clear on what I mean by psychic, it is “relating to or denoting faculties or phenomena that are apparently inexplicable by natural laws, especially involving telepathy or clairvoyance” (Google Dictionary). I broaden the definition to include all clairsenses, energy healing abilities, and channeling, which all fall within my purview of faculties. I also have abilities that fall under the purview of medium, being one who sees spirits. 

When our collective agrees that psychic powers are inexplicable by natural laws, I have to interject and add, “inexplicable by natural laws for which we currently understand.” Psychic powers are a part of natural laws, too, and physics is getting closer and closer to explaining it.

I have been shy to share this truth about myself for decades and have hid in plain sight. One of the many reasons I have been reticent to say that I am psychic or a medium is because there have been multiple occasions in which individuals have challenged me upon hearing that I am psychic by jumping out with statements like, " Yeah, what am I thinking right now?” 

First of all, being posed with a challenge like this is offensive. It is basically calling someone (me) out, through a “prove it” scenario, as not being the thing they say they are. It is saying, “I want proof right now, and you have to jump through this hoop to prove it.” Do people do this to creatives or athletes? “Oh, you’re a guitarist? Get out your guitar and play ‘Stairway to Heaven’ for me right now.” It’s ridiculous to think someone would do this, but it points to two things that one of my challengers is immediately revealing to me:

They don’t believe in my set of abilities; and

They think I am crazy.

I have had them claim that they want to believe, however they are a bar to their own belief.

Not only does their challenge feel like a game, one that I had better win or else, but it is a game that I cannot win. If in a challenging moment such as this I felt like I was dealing with someone who is open to expanding their reality and new understandings on a spiritual level, I would share the following.

When we talk about any “powers,” “gifts,” and all of the other things that boil down to otherworldly and/or psychic abilities, what we are really talking about is being aware of subtle energy.

The reason why psychic powers don't work the same way for all psychics is because we are picking up on all kinds of energies in a field of energy, which I often describe as the Sea of Life Energy. It takes intentional practice, years of intentional practice, to learn to hone any skill set. 

Another reason that psychic powers do not work the same between psychics is that, just as their painters and every one of them has their own style born of their own creative flow and mind, so too are psychics each unique in their very essence, given to us by the Creator, thus producing different styles and strengths when picking up on and reading energies.

In reading energy, one of the major things that we must begin to master through disciplining our energy “feelers” encompasses the idea of “What are my own thoughts versus what are the thoughts of other people? What are my thoughts versus the messages coming in from my guides, angels, and so forth?” 

For many who are mediums, as well as empaths, coming to understand and hone this skill can be frustrating and hard because to be a conduit for everything that presents itself in the field is hard. Imagine a radio receiver that picks up all transmissions but cannot separate them out into channels. For the anyone listening to the radio, that would be a cacophony of noise and chatter - hard on the ears and the nerves, and impossible to understand. They would turn it off. Well, psychics can try to turn “it” off (me having been one of them), but we can never completely turn it off. Yes, we can reduce what is coming in, but as long as we are around people and situations, energies are still merging with ours, impacting us. Energies still bleed through.

Being able to tell you what you're thinking right now would be an example of telepathy. While I do have telepathic moments often, I do not control them. I pick up on energies and thoughts, and apparently I transmit them because people will say the exact thing I'm thinking sometimes. While I would like to control this, I don’t.

My guides have explained to me that we are given messages only for what we are needing to understand in the moment, timely information. This is in part for my protection, so that I don't have information that can harm me in some way, leading to sabotaging some aspect of my life because I know something is coming. My guides and angels are very kind in filtering. And that is as it should be. I am at peace with that now, but I did not always want it that way. With my growing experience in working with the spiritual realm, as well as with maturing, I see what a kindness it is. 

We come to Earth to learn from lessons and experiences. If we were given too much information, there are a few things that can happen. 

First, we can become overwhelmed with all that is coming in. As humans, we need time to process and integrate new learning. To have a store of information dumped on us would impede that ability to process and integrate deeply. 

Second, If we are given too much of certain kind of information, it could break us. An example for me would be in the slow revealing of a series of past lives wherein I acted and suffered in various ways. I needed the learning from each of them, so they were revealed over time. Had they all come in at the same time, I would have not been able to soak up all of the learnings from those life times into my awareness enough to have them be a benefit now . . . and the impact of the collection of suffering would have been devastating.

Finally, our systems of belief - about ourselves, life, our relationships, the spiritual - are tender, especially in their shifting. The fragility of beliefs leads to a careful and responsible sharing of what is needed to shift and grow our beliefs over time by our angels and guides. If we had ten years of information dropped on us at one time, downloads too big to handle, the result is shut down, or insanity. For instance, if I had been told I would be doing what I am today 10 years ago - a shaman, reading tarot, energy healing - I would have laughed. I was nowhere ready for that information. Had I received it, my lack of belief and scoffing might well have created a permanent bar in my belief system that might have led to me blocking it from coming in.

Our guides and angels are indeed guiding us through our lives, talking to us, trying desperately to get our attention at times, and dispensing what we need exactly when we need it - not too little, not too much. It is something that I am grateful for, being one who has had one major shift that indeed annihilated me - my Dark Night of the Soul. There would have been a point of no return for me had there been much more added to the experience I was having at that time.

In working with others through tarot and/or energy healing, I am given only what I need to know in the moment for the sake of working with my client. But that is only after receiving my client’s permission. It turns out that there is a code of ethics by which we are expected to abide when engaging in all spiritual work, just as it is in any other work. 

It begins with this: Everyone has free will, and an integral piece of not accruing karma is receiving permission to talk to their spirit team, to receive messaging pertaining to their life, and to do general healing on them. To do any of this without their express permission would be an invasion of their privacy and unethical. I feel strongly about this, and the older I get, the more so, and the more I disagree with people trying to influence others through whatever forms of mystical practices they may be using. 

I find it interesting that sometimes, even when a client gives permission for me to do healing work on them, in the end, whether or not they are healed is not up to me or even their conscious selves. I believe we have blueprints that we come into life with, and we have exit points (points at which we could die) that our Higher Selves and our spirit teams understand and will guide us too. If we are not meant to heal, no healing is going to work. 

As a part of the code of ethics that I mentioned, I feel a great responsibility in what I share when doing any reading for anyone. Many messages are coming in, and I must decide what to bring forth and how to say it. I am well aware that words carry power. They can be seeds or thorns that benefit or poison someone’s perception of their life and all resulting actions. It is a huge responsibility. I take it seriously.

Note: tarot readings do not tell the future. The only thing a tarot reader, or any other diviner, can do is to read energies as they are currently as they are in a kind of suspension in the moment of the reading. The minute my client walks out the door and begins talking and acting in their lives, that moment of suspended energy evaporates. So what good is it? The power a good reading holds is that it can steer talking and acting in life in more positive directions as we act with free will to manifest our lives.

When it comes to energy work, so as not to accrue more karma that I must repay, the only things I will do without permission are 1) sending bursts of love, blessings, thanks, forgiveness, apology, and 2) channeling what I call lightning bolt healings that happen rarely with certain individuals. 

Lightning bolt healings are healings that I am guided to perform with very direct messaging from the angels. For reasons I do not understand, the individuals who are healed are to be healed by divine order, and that is for reasons I will never know - it is between their Higher Self and the angelic realm. I serve as the conduit of intention to guide their healing light through an individual, always from a distance (so far). The angel’s light, being like electricity, looks like a lightning bolt. This energy is intelligent and knows exactly where to go, so my role in the work is a yielding to the incoming energy and, with intention, drawing it into the physical plane. Observing one of these healings is quite magical.

Finally, in my shamanic training, my teacher stated something that resonated deeply with me because it is what my own guides have told me: “If someone is not a believer, nothing is going to happen for them.” Being non-believing is ultimately a matter of free will. When someone is non-believing they are essentially closing the door, locking it, dead bolting it, barring it, preventing anything from happening for them. Again, it boils down to energy. Their belief is their sole barrier.

Even so, every individual born into this world has a spirit team that is trying to guide them to their spiritual nature and abilities. So people who are not believers will still occasionally have strange happenings occur, synchronicities, and the repetition of numbers, words, even songs come into their lives. Until they're ready, most will claim that they are random occurrences, and I found in most cases that's because people are afraid of giving up control, because in handing one’s self over to a spiritual reality, we have to surrender to it, and that means letting go and finally understanding that we do not hold the reins as much as we think we do, and never did.

In order to access psychic abilities, you have to believe in the abilities. After all, if one believes that they cannot play an instrument, how likely are they to try it? Just as playing an instrument is a skill developed, so are psychic abilities. But, there is a spiritual element to it. When I tap into energies, I no doubt connect with Spirit, angels, and my guides. Again, if one does not believe, then they will not be able to access connections such as these, which are a natural part of the experience.

I have also been reticent to reveal that I have any abilities throughout my life because our culture has been trained to believe that people with abilities are crazy, even though their very own Savior had abilities. It is ironic to think that people who believed in Jesus’ abilities would punish others with abilities. Anyway, it has traditionally been dangerous to set oneself apart in such a unique way. How many people have been disempowered by being taught that they do not have abilities, when they do? 

Until the broad acceptance of psychic “powers” comes about, my kind will continue to find persecution, as has been the case throughout time. We like to think we are past Salem mentality, and yet there are those who would call me a Satanist for having “powers” and being a shaman when it is these very aspects of myself that create a direct connection with the Divine. While it may be true that I will not be burned on a stake, I have had a deep fear of being persecuted because I have eyes and ears and have watched people talk about and judge those who have abilities of many kinds. It is a thing. 

However, I also have been able to trace my deep fear of persecution to past life times wherein I was a target and victim, suffering horrifically. I am thankful to be able to say that I have been able to do much healing of those past life traumas, greatly reducing my own fear now. So, while I still feel the need to be cautious in this life because of practical concerns, not of being tortured to death, but of suffering slings and arrows and possible consequences that impact my quality of life, I am choosing to show up, to be seen, and to be me, which includes having abilities (natural skills) that will benefit others, which I have accepted as a part of my purpose. 

[ascendantevolution]

Fear, Belief, and Abundance

Fear is not meant to be a natural part of our makeup. If we think about the function of fear, fear was designed as a survival mechanism. There were to be moments of fear, such as when a predator was hunting us. But then the fear was meant to be released and life returned to normal.  

Human beings have created a culture for which the economy is fear. There is no returning to feeling “normal.” Anxiety has become the norm.  

For every physical action, there is a psychological consequence, whether good or bad. A culture built on fear-based competition leads to a culture built on suspicion. The lack, the feelings of lack, of not having enough money, creates desperation and crime. A culture built on fear of how one is going to live day-to-day is a culture that is ripe for revolution.   

A culture consumed with these concerns is one wherein its constituents see themselves as separate when, in fact, we are all part of the same Source. A part of the objective right now is for us to unlearn those feelings of separation. And the first step is to step out of the fear.  

One may laugh and say,” But how do I do that? I would love to not feel fearful.” And we would congratulate them for their honesty because, in that statement, they admit that they are at least aware of their fear. There are so many who are not, those who do not think they have any fear. They need to believe that they have it all together, when deep inside, there is an anxiety of all their blessings disappearing from them overnight.  

We are speaking to both groups here. For those of who beg the question about how to stop fearing, know that fear is a figment of the mind. The mind must be adapted and disciplined to discontinue fear. For those that are not yet aware, let the vibrational resonance of the truth of these words be received in their hearts so that they may awaken. This is a choice they must make that no one can force on them.  

The sooner all awaken, the better for us as a collective, and the All. We are here in support of their abundant living. We are here in support of their karmic release. When we say “karmic release,” we refer to the experiential state that individuals find themselves in when they have broken natural laws. Now, Dear Ones, it is time to awaken. And to release. So that all may step in to fully abundant living.  

Abundant living is a right and of one’s own making. Think of it as the flipside of karma. One must believe in their abundance, but what does it take to believe in that? Feelings of worthiness? Feelings of calm, compassion, unity with the All? When we believe in our own worthiness, not as a matter of how others perceive us or the status hoops we learn to jump through in a culture such as ours – when we know our worthiness, our mind and heart follow.  

Knowing creates intention, motivation, commitment. That impacts vibration, which is communicated to the Universe. The energetic field that receives the waves of energy we send out receives those messages, and, as a cooperative, co-creative Universe, immediately goes to work on fashioning our projected reality.  

So often, when one’s belief is that they are unworthy in some way, that belief will mirror for us a life that feels lonely (especially internally); painful, terrifying, one full of scarcity (whether scarce of money, love, acceptance, being seen and heard); competition and conflict; which feeds a negative feedback loop of unworthiness, scarcity, and fear.  

It is not the Universe that decides what one receives. When the Universe receives our vibration, It thinks that what is contained within that energetic communication is what we want, so it creates more of that for the one sending the energetic message.  

Ironically, at the soul level, we could very well be “needing” the lessons those energetic messages carry which, through struggle and suffering, will eventually help us to value ourselves. So, if this be true, why bother? 

Often, this life on Earth is referred to as a game. It helps to know 1) that there is a game; 2) a little about how it works; and 3) that in the end it is to our benefit. If we know these things, we can, through our growing awareness, add intention, discipline, and right work to “the work” we are here to do, thus speeding up our processes.  

But, before we can do anything with intention, we must examine our beliefs. People cling to their beliefs out of insecurity and, again, fear because beliefs act as a system of rules for us playing our game. They give us a semblance of having control over the game. However, oftentimes, they can be based on other’s perceptions and pressures as well as illusion. 

If one’s beliefs are not serving them, it may be time to examine them closely, release what no longer serves, and recalibrate. Perhaps it is time to accept worthiness, do work internally to support that vibration, and to fashion new beliefs about who we are and what we “deserve.” 

For those who have been locked into this drama of being locked into beliefs that do not serve, leading to fear and its energetic, are you not tired? Have you not grown wary of it?  

Is hanging on to your current beliefs about yourself, your status, your life so important that you are willing to sacrifice your own abundance and happiness?  

Have you ever considered that just maybe you do not know what you do not know? Can you let that vibration into your heart and your mind, to open doors of curiosity and, in the process, invite in abundance, and feeling of freedom, beyond your wildest dreams? 

[ascendantevolution]

Past Lives: What I know (so far)

I do not consider myself an expert in past lives, by any means. However, when I stand here in my reality and look back at my life, I can say that I have had many forays into past lives, and it turns out that I have learned a few things that might be of interest to those who are toying with the notion of past lives.

Here is what I have come to believe about past lives:

We live countless lives. 

We choose to come to Earth, both for schooling and for other specific purposes. “Earth School” is an apt name for our destination and experiences. 

We are extensions of a Divine Will, taking into ourselves some aspect of the Divine as we fractalize into various realities . . . and lives. 

For this reason, we are all born with unique natures and abilities upon which we grow, refine, build through many lifetimes.

As extensions of the Divine, the Divine Will craves to understand all aspects of our nature with its mix of abilities - the good, the bad, the ugly, the light, the dark, the obvious, the not-so-obvious.

Our past lives are as unique as each of us are. The variety of past lives can be vast. While there can be many earthly incarnations, it is also possible to access lives in other dimensions as well as cosmic systems (star systems and universes).

When we come into this life, it is with the agreement to forget all that we have been and learned in previous lives.

Even so, our experiences and knowings are so deeply integrated into our natures and experiences that, while we suffer a kind of amnesia, there also exists varying degrees of remembering through phobias, dreams, and so on.

For those who have lived many lives, the so-called “ancient souls,” the collective experiences are too integrated and present in the rememberings of the soul to keep suppressed. These people seem to be naturals when it comes to remembering as well having the ability to access other energies and realities through clairsenses with a seeming ease, often described as a “gift” by those who do not seem to have the same access. Of course, belief in something is required in order to be able to see and understand it clearly; practice is the other, which first requires belief coupled with commitment. Everyone is capable of harnessing all of these factors.  

Past lives can come through in sleeping dreams and  “day dreams” (visions) as well as journeys and past life regressions. 

We are only given the messages, scenes, happenings that are relevant for us at the time that we access them. Our Higher Selves and guides are gatekeepers for what is needed and will be helpful for development and purpose in this life at a given time. I have two main thematic narratives for past lives running for which most past life memories can be categorized: the warrior and the spiritual being. This has been revealed over the course of decades, through multiple visions, journeys, and past life regressions. Each past life reveals something within me that needs attention and healing. They have also had the imacy=t of helping me to better understand my nature and purpose.

We are drip fed what we need to know over time. As mentioned above, I have received insights over the course of decades, divinely timed remembrances that fit my readiness level for understanding as well service to my greater purpose.

We are shown what we need to see so that we can heal. I have seen multiple scenes from multiple lifetimes, everyone of them leading to deep healing. In the work that I do with clients, this is my chiefest concern: their healing. If we ever needed a single reason for remembering past lives, this would be the most compelling.

What led to past life healing was the feeling that I experienced in reliving each, the feeling which stuck with me in my “waking” state. In all of my experiences, one aspect of the experience rises to the top in importance: how each vision - what was specifically shared with me - felt. It is feelings that are our teachers, the nuggets of shadow that remain, carried into this life - impacting it - to be dealt with. Once we get a lead on them, we have the power to begin to follow the scent back to the seed of it and finally deal with it once and for all.

[ascendantevolution]

Moon Study and Ego Sublimation (Copy)

Oftentimes, when we are taking a good, hard look at ourselves, we speak of looking into the mirror, recognizing that we need to change, often through other people mirroring for us what needs to change within ourselves.

When I decided to stopped drinking, I found that I became a mirror for the many alcoholics who are too fragile to accept the truth of their situation. As a result, they dismissed me as the one with the problem. I got rejected a lot, and my friend group dwindled. In light of this example, while I love the mirror, I also wanted to smash it because it hurt all around. The mirror is not always the kindest source of learning. That being said, the mirror acts as a powerful catalyst that pushes us into honest reflection.

For me, Moon study has become an added source of support and growth when working in conjunction with the mirror. It offers a path beyond an initial shock of awareness. Moon study is a gentler way to intentionally work on those parts of myself that most need attention. While I am talking about harnessing the power of Moon ritual, let's analyze what the Moon offers as a metaphor.

Being that the Moon comes out at night, the Moon is associated with darkness. There are no mirrors. Instead of looking outward, the darkness requires us to sit with ourselves quietly, observing with senses other than physical sight. Eventually, with enough practice, we begin to see inward, which takes great courage because it is there that wounds and shadows have been hiding out while we've been distracting ourselves with the dramas of life.

These are the parts of ourselves that have been rejected by our community and by ourselves. These are the parts of ourselves that need attention, needing to be heard and honored. To hear and honor what needs healing in us. Discovering the source of our pain (the wound) means sitting with the pain, letting it pass through, and then embracing and integrating those parts of ourselves that have been dishonoured, shamed, or neglected. I have experienced this process many times now and can say that, as the pain welled up inside, working its way to the surface, it felt so overwhelming and threatening that I felt like I might literally die.

Why would anyone choose to put themselves through this?

My first thought after going through this process the first time was, “Wow, I survived it,” followed by a huge sigh of relief. That thought was immediately followed by the thing survivors build over time: feeling resilient. That amazing feeling empowered and motivated me to continue. I knew I was on the right path.

Integrating the lost pieces of ourselves leads to the feeling of growing wholeness, complete acceptance, and unconditional love for all that we are as humans. This process allows us to pull shame out by its roots and to use it as tinder to light the fires of creativity and motivation that will move us toward our life purposes.

To love yourself? To be so comfortable in your skin that other people's odd glances, judgmental comments, and ways of manipulation have no impact on you? Imagine attaining this kind of freedom.

Not only is it freedom, but it is what it means to be sovereign. To have complete sovereignty of ourselves in our lives without reference to anything or anyone else, to be guided by the Higher Self, to speak with authority, to be a champion, to change the world around us with unconditional love? We have a responsibility, not only to ourselves for our own peace and quality of life, but to those around us. People are suffering. Animals are suffering. Gaia is suffering. The state of our beings matters that much.

When Joseph Campbell outlined the hero's journey, he really didn't speak much to what happens to heroes that don’t make it through their journeys. Heroes do get stuck in the underworld. Some never get to finish their missions by slaying dragons and resurfacing to be the balm for their community. It is scary but true that heroes sometimes get lost in their journeys.

We are born with missions, but we are also given free will. We get to choose whether we show up as a coward hiding out in polarized dramas; whether we give in to the darkness that shows up to overtake us; or whether we emerge as heroes, beaten up and scarred, in our own stories and for those around us.

Our journey requires growth and resilience and overcoming increasingly large obstacles. Intentionally choosing most of our battles gives us an advantage in preparing for those battles that erupt out of seemingly nowhere. If we are practiced, skilled, and ready, we truly get to choose how we show up.

And, now I have made it back around to my point: Creating a spiritual course of study for ourselves empowers us on our journeys. I highly recommend Moon study as a part of any spiritual course.

Moon study creates a cyclical course of self-study through following and understanding the processes of the moon. New moon - new beginnings for goals. Waxing moon - growing intention and action around goals. Full moon - harvest of hard earned fruits. Waning moon - reflection and revision. Dark Moon - laying to rest what no longer serves, permanently.

It is a long but gentle process that demands patience and intention. By focusing on a particular wound or flaw or goal throughout the Moon's course, we gain amazing insights, gratitude, and empowerment. We are actively in the mix of learning and self-discovery, which adds to a growing appreciation of the self.

As I work through each Moon cycle, I gain an increasing understanding of the Moon's influence on me, literally. The Moon impacts life on this planet in an untold number of ways. Science says so (go research if you are in doubt).

I am gaining an ever-growing understanding that the Moon's pull on energies influences all energetic functioning affecting many aspects of my life. If it is doing the same for you and the guy down the street, then the moon is influencing all of us and how we impact each other. The more I study the moon and its energies, the more magical it feels to me because energies are pliable, and I can move with them, impact them, to a degree.

Opposed to "magic"? Please don't be. “Magic” as a word has come to be charged with negative meaning. What it signifies, however, is no different than a “Miracle.” Both point to a manifesting through prayer, which is just another way of moving with pliable energies, sending positive vibrations out into the Universe and then seeing evidence of them mixing with other energies, such as when a loved one is healed of an illness.

Through Moon cycles, my inner hero shows up, sword sheathed (most of the time) to talk business and wisdom. My inner hero grows and learns and trusts itself more than it ever has because she is actually beginning to do something no one else can truly do for her: believe in herself.

Belief in oneself on this level cannot be achieved with a bloated ego in tow. As we shed the pain and shame, the ego sublimates. When the ego sublimates, everyone - everything - wins.

Moon is showing me the way. With each cycle, I become transformed - a new version of me. I am set free yet again. I don't have to carry around heavy loads of guilt and shame anymore. If I choose it, I am always renewed, always growing, always transforming - by the light of the Moon.

I give thanks to Spirit, for my Higher Self, and for Moon and all of Her patient teaching.

Originally written in the Spring of 2021.

[ascendantevolution]

The Gift of Doubt in Spiritual Growth, Part 3: Awakening & Blocks to Transformation

How, you may ask, is it possible for someone who claims to be so spiritual to doubt? Please forgive my honesty. I am here to convey messages from Spirit, and that demands vulnerability and authenticity in order to be of use to anyone. This last of three posts addresses blocks to spiritual transformation after having awakened. But first, what is the value of “awakening”? 

“Awakening” suggests a “waking up.” But, from what? From a long sleep of not being able to see or consider the role of ego and society on the development (or lack thereof) of faith. Spiritual suppression has been the name of the game for how long and as the result of “because I told you so”? How many have been murdered in the name of suppression? How does one stand behind the suppression and then claim it is the way of God? Or, claim anything of Christ energy, which is Love resonance? 

Awakening can be achieved when we surrender to hard truths as a result of answering hard questions. The surrender requires courage, and its reward is spiritual freedom - and mystical experience, but only after making it through many blocks that are, in themselves, a course of spiritual learning and expansion. Major blocks are

Society and other social units require adhering to their beliefs in order to ensure one’s admittance and protection;

A desperate need to feel connected to Source leads to a belief that there is only one road to God and that only “we” (whomever that we may be) know the way. Not so. Every individual has a cord connecting them back to Source, and, “in trails of glory,” each comes into life with a clear plan for what is to be the learning, how best to serve God, and how to get back;

The Ego gets in the way of staying true to the path. The illusion of “must haves” in life (the house, car, job, status, power, etc.) gets in the way. Many are lost, and they are the ones we hope to regain;

Understanding that self-worth indeed determines the ability to feel connected to Spirit and true faith. These are not withheld by God as punishment (we withhold them from ourselves for feeling unworthy);

Learning to love the Self, to see the Self as a work in progress, releasing the need to check the boxes of society’s brand of faith, means that we are meant to learn from our mistakes and remember that our souls are immutable;

Realizing that the ongoing fighting about faith is not “out there” but instead poses a challenge to us to look within. In light of this truth, all infighting between humans based on rivaling faiths is nothing more than a sad, desperate ego trap creating distance between the Self and the Creative Force of the Universe.

There are, of course, other more individualized blocks that individuals face when they choose to pursue Spirit. Working through blocks takes time and patience, and if we are lucky, we have people around us who have done some of the work and can help us through it. Can it be achieved by oneself? Absolutely, but it is a hard, lonely pathway when it need not be. It is best to find a mentor, a guide, or perhaps an elder who has undergone the awakening and the ensuing transformation.

Another point: Working through blocks feels like an endless process. And that is okay. 

Do you have any blocks to deepening your personal faith?

[ascendantevolution]

Remembering Who I Am: Awakening, Integration, Transmutation

Three years ago, I had a huge awakening, one that made me feel like I had finally reached the endpoint of my spiritual attainment. As I explored the new awareness, my guides gave me a word: integration. After years of digging in the dirt of my shadow, I found myself going through a process of pulling pieces of me I had so long rejected back to my center, recognizing each as an essential piece of my being.

That integration process led me out of the dark cave I had been in for years, up into the light of understanding. I finally got it: It had all been a part of my soul’s plan for learning. All of it - my mistakes, my loss, my suffering - had been essential to my growing awareness. I finally saw it all for what it truly is: a gift. Gratitude set in.

Integrated, I felt more whole than I had felt my whole life. I realized that I had been deep in the cave for years, living and doing, doing the hard work of facing my demons, and my energy had been heavy, too grounded, too serious for far too long, even listless at times. The integration process allowed me to buoy up, to feel lighter. I actually smiled more.

I want to pause and acknowledge this: I am not alone in going through a major shift during the pandemic. Energetically, it has had the impact of bringing our shadows to the surface. If you have experienced a major shift during the pandemic, I would love to hear about it - please leave a comment.

So, several months ago, I woke up yet again. I now understand that awakenings are never done, just as our learning is never done. This particular awakening was literally overnight. I woke up feeling different and craving nourishment for a newly awakened hunger. The word that was given to me for it by my spirit guides was graduation. I was also given a phrase: remember who you are.

I indeed felt like I had graduated, but into what I had no idea. I felt lighter, literally. My energy was buzzing. My psychic antennae was vibing more than usual. There was also an accompanying feeling that, just as happens after graduation, I needed to get a job. Sounds funny, but it’s true. I was given orders: Get to work. That’s where the “remember who you are” part comes in.

All of my transformation has been as a result of spiritual guidance. I am one who sees the spiritual in every aspect of my life. What do I mean by spiritual? Anything related to spirit. My spirit. SOURCE - THE Spirit that animates all life. The UNIVERSE.

I am now mid-life. Kids are grown and living their lives. I share this as reference for what I am about to say. I have been a seeker my whole life, and, as such, I have been a voracious reader of any expression of humanity that gets me closer to understanding Source.

Some choose one path - one god, one religion, etc. While it eventually leads to Source, in some ways it is the harder road. It is a more stable road, so it may appear easier. However, spiritually, I found it limiting, which meant it would've been a longer process for me.

I have learned that, whatever our “God,” we are never meant to stop growing in awareness. We are meant to be called to teachers, whether people, books, movies, music, or organizations, and we are meant to expand. Because only so much expansion can happen in one place, eventually we must move on to the next teacher or touch point of learning.

So much of my learning and expansion has been in service to understanding why I am built the way I am - to fulfill my purpose - to serve the Whole. I have seen spirits and other beings my whole life. I see, hear, and feel things that end up being helpful, if I heed them. I feel the energy of those I am around. For this, people like me have been branded crazy, or even burned at the stake. And yet my experiences are real - I cannot forsake them, although I tried. For years, I resisted myself - my abilities - out of fear of being discovered and rejected.

Remember who you are. I made the decision to fully embrace what has made me tremble years past: the deep knowing that I have been - that at my core I am - witch, medicine woman, priestess, shaman. With a deep breath and sobering courage, I have decided to finally own myself completely. Which means loving myself completely.

Remember who you are. My stepping into myself fully means that I need not to just have knowledge of mystical practices, but I have to re-discover those practices as essential pieces of myself, rejected because of society’s labels and persecutions.

I had to start practicing mystical arts again. I knew that I had to get my hands on the books I had packed up twenty years ago, the same books that had simultaneously validated my life experiences while also teaching and inspiriting me - before I chickened out and abandoned them. As we are all expressions - extensions - of Source, every book I was drawn to was an extension communicating a particular experience of life, reality, and connection to the ALL and Source itself. I located my box of books in storage, and as I opened the box and saw the titles and covers, pieces of me began to quicken.

I was amazed by the range of topics: world religions, mythology, philosophy, wicca, pagan witchcraft, shamanism, symbology, ancient mysteries, art, architecture, sacred geometry, energy work. I smiled at the realization that I am an equal-opportunity spiritualist.

I believe in GOD - SPIRIT, in all its forms and names. My primary mission in life is to move toward Spirit and to have Spirit work through me. Anything that will aid me in my mission is welcome. All of the traditions I have studied offer different roads, tools, perspectives, and stories that have been my guides and spiritual medicine. From organized world religions, to world mythologies, to wide-ranging pagan systems, to physics, I am a willing and open student. I am grateful for all of my learning and for every people and tradition that has been a positive influence.

Notice there is no mention of Satanism or black magic. I work in systems of light. Only the Highest Christed Light is welcome to work through me. I am all things sacred and esoteric. I am a true mystic.

Originally written in the Fall of 2021.

[ascendantevolution]

Remembering Who I Am: Awakening, Integration, Transmutation (Copy)

Three years ago, I had a huge awakening, one that made me feel like I had finally reached the endpoint of my spiritual attainment. As I explored the new awareness, my guides gave me a word: integration. After years of digging in the dirt of my shadow, I found myself going through a process of pulling pieces of me I had so long rejected back to my center, recognizing each as an essential piece of my being.

That integration process led me out of the dark cave I had been in for years, up into the light of understanding. I finally got it: It had all been a part of my soul’s plan for learning. All of it - my mistakes, my loss, my suffering - had been essential to my growing awareness. I finally saw it all for what it truly is: a gift. Gratitude set in.

Integrated, I felt more whole than I had felt my whole life. I realized that I had been deep in the cave for years, living and doing, doing the hard work of facing my demons, and my energy had been heavy, too grounded, too serious for far too long, even listless at times. The integration process allowed me to buoy up, to feel lighter. I actually smiled more.

I want to pause and acknowledge this: I am not alone in going through a major shift during the pandemic. Energetically, it has had the impact of bringing our shadows to the surface. If you have experienced a major shift during the pandemic, I would love to hear about it - please leave a comment.

So, several months ago, I woke up yet again. I now understand that awakenings are never done, just as our learning is never done. This particular awakening was literally overnight. I woke up feeling different and craving nourishment for a newly awakened hunger. The word that was given to me for it by my spirit guides was graduation. I was also given a phrase: remember who you are.

I indeed felt like I had graduated, but into what I had no idea. I felt lighter, literally. My energy was buzzing. My psychic antennae was vibing more than usual. There was also an accompanying feeling that, just as happens after graduation, I needed to get a job. Sounds funny, but it’s true. I was given orders: Get to work. That’s where the “remember who you are” part comes in.

All of my transformation has been as a result of spiritual guidance. I am one who sees the spiritual in every aspect of my life. What do I mean by spiritual? Anything related to spirit. My spirit. SOURCE - THE Spirit that animates all life. The UNIVERSE.

I am now mid-life. Kids are grown and living their lives. I share this as reference for what I am about to say. I have been a seeker my whole life, and, as such, I have been a voracious reader of any expression of humanity that gets me closer to understanding Source.

Some choose one path - one god, one religion, etc. While it eventually leads to Source, in some ways it is the harder road. It is a more stable road, so it may appear easier. However, spiritually, I found it limiting, which meant it would've been a longer process for me.

I have learned that, whatever our “God,” we are never meant to stop growing in awareness. We are meant to be called to teachers, whether people, books, movies, music, or organizations, and we are meant to expand. Because only so much expansion can happen in one place, eventually we must move on to the next teacher or touch point of learning.

So much of my learning and expansion has been in service to understanding why I am built the way I am - to fulfill my purpose - to serve the Whole. I have seen spirits and other beings my whole life. I see, hear, and feel things that end up being helpful, if I heed them. I feel the energy of those I am around. For this, people like me have been branded crazy, or even burned at the stake. And yet my experiences are real - I cannot forsake them, although I tried. For years, I resisted myself - my abilities - out of fear of being discovered and rejected.

Remember who you are. I made the decision to fully embrace what has made me tremble years past: the deep knowing that I have been - that at my core I am - witch, medicine woman, priestess, shaman. With a deep breath and sobering courage, I have decided to finally own myself completely. Which means loving myself completely.

Remember who you are. My stepping into myself fully means that I need not to just have knowledge of mystical practices, but I have to re-discover those practices as essential pieces of myself, rejected because of society’s labels and persecutions.

I had to start practicing mystical arts again. I knew that I had to get my hands on the books I had packed up twenty years ago, the same books that had simultaneously validated my life experiences while also teaching and inspiriting me - before I chickened out and abandoned them. As we are all expressions - extensions - of Source, every book I was drawn to was an extension communicating a particular experience of life, reality, and connection to the ALL and Source itself. I located my box of books in storage, and as I opened the box and saw the titles and covers, pieces of me began to quicken.

I was amazed by the range of topics: world religions, mythology, philosophy, wicca, pagan witchcraft, shamanism, symbology, ancient mysteries, art, architecture, sacred geometry, energy work. I smiled at the realization that I am an equal-opportunity spiritualist.

I believe in GOD - SPIRIT, in all its forms and names. My primary mission in life is to move toward Spirit and to have Spirit work through me. Anything that will aid me in my mission is welcome. All of the traditions I have studied offer different roads, tools, perspectives, and stories that have been my guides and spiritual medicine. From organized world religions, to world mythologies, to wide-ranging pagan systems, to physics, I am a willing and open student. I am grateful for all of my learning and for every people and tradition that has been a positive influence.

Notice there is no mention of Satanism or black magic. I work in systems of light. Only the Highest Christed Light is welcome to work through me. I am all things sacred and esoteric. I am a true mystic.

Originally written in the Fall of 2021.

[ascendantevolution]

Spiritual Paradox in the Necessity of Duality

Much of the focus of my spiritual growth over these last years has in some shape or form touched on non-duality. It began with being guided to observe instances of polarity - the simplified areas of judgment that snag every living human: black versus white thinking. Male versus female. Christian versus Muslim. Straight versus gay. Religion versus science. Spirituality versus dogmatism. Need I go on?

That focus on duality had led to a profound exploration of dark versus light. In turn, I have been guided to see them not as points of opposition, but as points of balance. My growing understanding has led to a dismantling of an almost innate fear of darkness. In turn, it has unlocked a new and profound perception of the world.

I have been standing between worlds, 3D reality and the spirit world, all my life. In my naive past, I saw them as being 100% exclusive of each other, an either/or perception, which forced choices between them. I found myself veering into the spirit world every once in awhile, sometimes suppressing it (out of fear), and choosing the (imbalance) of staying anchored in the 3D. My shifting perspectives on dark and light has led to a profound need to pull toward the middle.

The middle presents an alternative to either/or thinking: stand in both worlds, to take Spirit into 3D reality, and to bring reality into my spiritual work. As such, this morning, my tarot reading was more clear than ever. Non-duality showed up with a clear message about being authentically human while insisting on being true to my spiritual nature and calling. It was a call to refuse to split the two.

You may be asking, What’s the point?

When we choose to walk the middle path, life becomes easier. The either/or split of mind or heart instead becomes a guiding of the mind with the heart - balancing our perspective, helping to guide us, moment to moment, away from oversimplified judgment to discernment. Discernment provides a profound clarity that can guide us through the minefields of life where we are expected to pick sides or are pressured to be something that we are not.

The polarities lead to dysfunctional agreements within a culture rife with a vested interest in keeping polarities alive and well. As long as we are kept fighting, living in fear, suffering, shaming and feeling ashamed, we are powerless to step fully into ourselves as we are meant to be in life - fully self-actualized and living with purpose.

Perhaps an example would be helpful.

I have been on the spiritual dojo mat more times than I wish to count. I have been bruised and battered and humbled. In trying to carry spirituality into my 3D world, perhaps my greatest sparring partner has been my relationship with one of my parents. Background: I have suffered a lifetime of being disempowered by someone who is supposed to love me most in the world - my mother. My ego has reacted in so many ways, some of which I am embarrassed to admit. Much of that reaction has been as a result of the on-going, toxic relating. The conflict that has been the central point of my struggle in being a so-called “spiritual person” has been as the result of oscillating between two polarized ends of this painful issue.

On one end, I was psychologically and emotionally abused, not only as a child, but into adulthood. It took me decades to see that, every time I had an interaction with my mother, I would walk away injured and slip into a depression for the the following weeks. The result of continuing to put myself in harm’s way was a self-defeating, self-sabotaging, self-destructive streak that was ultimately as a result of seeing myself as a victim. Who had the power to make it stop? Me. And only me.

On the other, polar end was a culture that demands a sense of duty and obligation to parents and family, no matter what. Well, in our culture, physical abuse has become an acceptable reason to part from family. Psychological abuse can be just as insidious as physical abuse, and yet, we are supposed laugh off painful, passive aggressive “jokes” and ignore terrible comments and behavior because “that’s just how your mom is.” The scars of prolonged exposure are deep and impact how I “do” life. And although my counselor was helpful to me warming up to the idea of my eventual divorce from my mother, I avoided the thought because the thought, all by itself, induced a weighty guilt that was just too great. I mean, how can one abandon their parents? That’s a sin, isn’t it?

Finally, as with many other things that I have viewed from one end or the other, or swung wildly between, creating emotional and therefore physical and spiritual instability, I finally realized that there was a space in the middle. No longer sitting in the victim polarity, I decided that I would no longer accept abuse, which meant I had the right to protect myself from my parent, which meant that I couldn't be around her. On the other polar end, I was finally able to reconcile that I the only duty I ultimately have is to myself. I can no longer be beholden to a culture that accepts abuse as a norm in an effort to keep the peace and families together. I have no duty to a culture that does not recognize my pain and my need to be free of it.

The middle path helped me to find a calm and “spiritual” perspective that allows for all factors to coexist in honest reality, from what lies in the polarities to everything in between: The abuse happened, and my suffering has led to greater wisdom and empathy in many ways, and the abuse can happen no more; my mother is a deeply troubled individual with her own wounds, and she does the best she can with what she has, and for that I feel great compassion, and I can no longer allow the abuse to happen because she refuses to work to heal herself; I can see the silver linings, and I can love her unconditionally and with gratitude for all that she has given me that has been good, and the abuse can not be allowed to happen any longer.

Similar lessons have brought me to the middle, especially in the arenas of man versus woman and religious versus scientific. By finding the value of both ends, and all that stands between them, I find myself appreciating the benefits, hindrances, and balance of it all. I also can now clearly see that, when my ego sinks into duality, I suffer. I slip into self-doubt because I am subject to the judgments of those who are invested in living from the polar ends. As much as my fellow victims may be mystified by my audacity, as much as my culture may shame me for my choice, I cannot betray myself anymore. We are not meant to live in doubt of ourselves.

Non-duality means rising above 3D vision to observe the truth of situations, to take an accounting that is objective, to judge without being judgmental, to be free of the heat of explosive, emotional reaction. In the end, it is a freeing gift.

Photo by Kourtney Gundersen

[ascendantevolution]

The Gift of Doubt in Spiritual Growth, Part 1: Faith Earned

Occasionally, I find myself doubting my beliefs. How is it possible for someone who claims to be so spiritual to doubt? Please forgive my honesty. I am here to speak the truth about the experience of being a spiritual human, and that demands vulnerability and authenticity if what I offer is to be of use to anyone. This morning, the message I received in my spiritual practice relayed a surprising message: doubt is a gift.

As often happens when I am pulling cards in my morning practice, the card that I pulled in the very moment I was doubting was “11 Belief” from the Sacred Geometry Activations Oracle by LON. The bottom of the card reads, “The frequency of belief supports our sense of self-worth based on our gifts and talents, and a strong connection to Source.”

I LOVE moments like this because they are confirmation of being heard and connected to my Spirit. They happen all of the time, which I also find confirming. 

Anyway, after I arranged my oracle cards into customary sets of themes, I asked Spirit, “Why do I doubt? What is the purpose of doubt?” I was flooded with answers, a rush so powerful that it felt like water in a sieve, and I was the sieve. Trying to catch it all was difficult. What is written below is what I could catch and record by speaking into my phone.

Doubt in beliefs indeed exists because of what is pointed to on the oracle card that I pulled: self-worth (lack thereof) and connection to Source (lack thereof). Those will be touched on again later, but first, the order of understanding must be this:

Doubt creates curiosity, 

Which leads to questions,

Which lead to pursuit of Spirit,

Which leads to learning,

Which leads to connection to Source,

Which leads to experience,

Which leads to faith.

True faith is not bought. It is not soaked up in church. It cannot be blindly cultivated nor ever imbued by another human. True faith contains within it a mix of intense bliss - “rapture” as it has been said - as well as the pain of darkness and isolation (one of the reasons for seeking alleviation in a congregation). 

True faith is born by cycling through intense feelings, through feeling them deeply enough to be compelled - propelled - to see and experience God on ever-increasing, deeper levels. The irony is that this cycling - the doubt - leaves believers feeling unfaithful at times. For the believer, this is a terrible feeling. It can be scary because it can feel like exile. In a way, it is, and the point of it is to find the way back.

But why?

Eradicating doubt and being able to stand in God-center requires a surety that is without wavering. To be clear, this is not a moral issue, not being one of good or evil, but instead one of objective truth:  either one’s vibration is clear and strong, or it is not. 

There is no lying about one’s resonating energy, and energy is what it is all about. We are all energy. Different experiences are really concepts that vibrate at different levels. “Low” vibrational thoughts and acts can be exhibited in fear, aggression, anxiety, and the like. “High” vibrational energies are as a result of thoughts and acts that reach for the resonance of Love, which is “God.” 

As we increasingly remove the resonances that create doubt, we elevate our own resonance. This is what is often referred to as ascension, which is the point of living many lives on Earth. And so, where we are on our paths right now can be felt in our vibrational patterns. It just is as it is.

The Ego may pop up to stand against these statements. The Ego is the purveyor of doubt, after all, it has a big job to do of keeping us alive. Again, there is no judgment. Each of us is on our own individualized plan for seeking, finding, believing. It is also true that, if anyone reading this finds their hackles rising, so to speak, ego is in the mix. 

For those who feel they have it all in the bag, who have checked all of the boxes for faith requirements as prescribed by their society, and who have not doubted enough to seek what has been taught to them by others, this is an opportunity to pause, search for truth inside of oneself, and if the truth is pointing to blind faith, choose a new path: awaken to your true Divine nature and have the courage to seek an authentic relationship with the Divine.

Photo by Bess Hamiti at Pexels