ask-the-cookiefish-timeline

[ask-the-cookiefish-timeline]

hey dirk- what was the biggest fish you ever caught?

Technically speaking, the biggest fish I ever caught was some mutated piece of shit back in the old Earth’s ocean, under the apartment. But that’s a different story, and rather quite boring. It had a bunch of eyes and tasted bad, and lasted me a month. That’s pretty much all here is to say on that matter. So I’ll tell you about a different fish. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ARQUIUS: Uh oh JANE: What happened?? ARQUIUS: It seems as though I will not be fishing today DAVE: he broke it ARQUIUS: I broke it DIRK: Okay, that’s- DIRK: Yeah, that’s fine… ARQUIUS: I will watch ARQUIUS: I quite like just sitting here anyways and also I can make fun of you when you totally fumble a catch DIRK: Yeah, thanks. _____ DIRK: Dave, you wanna take over for me? DIRK: I’ll steer the boat for a bit and you can fish. DAVE: shit idk if i remember how to do this is the thing DAVE: i feel like i’m gonna break it or worse DAVE: drop it off the edge of the boat completely unceremoniously like that cyclops dude from percy jackson 2 DAVE: fish on the hook and everything DAVE: i’ll start having a realistic panic attack on screen DAVE: truly the worst you’ve ever seen anyone do it DIRK: You’ll be fine. Just try it, man. DIRK: You’ll like it better this time, I promise. DAVE: yeahhhhh okay _____ DIRK: How are you doing, Jane? JANE: Well, um! JANE: I’m not actually entirely sure what I’m doing either. JANE: I keep thinking I might have a bite, but then it goes away! JANE: How can you even tell? JANE: I feel like a big beast lying in wait for its prey, waiting for the right time… JANE: And I’m not so good at waiting! :B DIRK: That’s okay. This is how you learn. _____ DIRK: And you’ll know when you get a bite. Trust me. DIRK: The little fucker will yank the line so hard you’ll think he’s about to pull you in. JANE: Yipes! DIRK: And you’ll probably lose it. DIRK: That’s okay, too. DIRK: I didn’t catch a damn thing my first, uh… DIRK: Twelve times. JANE: Jee willikers, Dirk! JANE: I don’t know if I can wait THAT long. JANE: I’m getting pretty hungry, darn it! DIRK: Well, hey. That’s why you have the expert with you. DIRK: And if we REALLY don’t catch anything, we’ll get pizza on the way back. JANE: Oh, well. JANE: I’d be happy either way! Hoo hoo! DAVE: shit shit shit what is that DAVE: what the fuckkkk something big just latched onto my shit DIRK: Oh? DIRK: Oh SHIT. ARQUIUS: My goodness ARQUIUS: I think that’s what they call a fucking MONSTER DAVE: fuck what the fuck i have to catch this thing what do i do

DAVE: it’s gonna break my line DIRK: Yank the rod up. Hard. DIRK: There, okay. Now BRACE. DAVE: shit y’all gotta hold onto each other or somethin DAVE: it’s gonna pull me in like actually DAVE: fuck fuck fuck ARQUIUS: Don’t even worry about it ARQUIUS: (Everyone hold on tight) DAVE: shiiiiit FUCKKKK holy fuuuuUUUCK- DIRK and JANE and ARQUIUS: REEEEEEEL!

[ask-the-cookiefish-timeline]

dirk, im assuming you started fishing at a very young age as a means of survival. what was that like?

Difficult. There was a storage of non-perishables within the apartment along with all of the other shit that got left for my usage, but that's a finite source of food with little nutritional density.

I remember engineering a method of fishing after I watched that episode of Yu-Gi-Oh where that one guy with the long hair swam into the ocean and came back with fish. I didn't know how to swim, and even if I did, the apartment is way further up than I could climb, so I devised a method that I now understand to be called handlining.

I started trying to figure it out right after watching that episode, I was so inspired. It took a few weeks for me to iron out the kinks in the process- line fashioned from materials around the house, and hooks made from aluminum can tins. It took quite a long time to figure out how to get it all to work the way I needed it to, and thank god I didn't end up catching anything big, because I learned pretty quickly that handlining thin wire with your soft, bare baby hands hurts. The first thing I caught was a squid.

[ask-the-cookiefish-timeline]

Which games do they hate... or... not hate... if they're not haters

ROXY: dw dear asker….i’m not a hater….so the ones i don’t hate are…the pikmins

ROXY: the spores

ROXY: skylanders

ROXY: ummm five nights at freddy’s….

ROXY: weird shovelware games for the wii are actually soooo good sometimes

ROXY: did you know steven spielberg made a game for the wii once it’s called… boom blox

ROXY: that ones not shovelware i just wanted to talk about boom blox

ROXY: i love most games really!

ROXY: i think the only ones i actually 4 realsies hate are like

ROXY: …

ROXY: can’t think of any rn :3

DAVE: okay so

DAVE: recently i’ve been into dress to impress and i know what you’re gonna say

DAVE: that’s a roblox game for babies i know I KNOW okay just let me explain

DAVE: it’s a roblox game for babies and that means i can hop on stream and immediately land first place in every goddamn round in every goddamn lobby

DAVE: absolutely shitting on these kids it’s like they’re not even comprehending the theme of this round because their little tiny baby brains are too underdeveloped to figure out what the fuck cybergoth is

DAVE: i’m manipulating (shitting on) the dress to impress voters (these kids) through my outside investors (my chat)

DAVE: i don’t need vip to outclass you motherfuckers i’m gonna dress up as the hottest secretary you’ve ever seen

ROXY: ok nvm i remembered games i hate

ROXY: those copy paste themed obbys!!

DAVE: what no way you don’t like the 500 escape from ice spice obbys

DAVE: who the hell is ice spice btw

ROXY: noooooo and here’s whyyyyy

ROXY: they’re not even HARD i can breeze through those thangs in like five minutes!!

ROXY: if you’re gonna make an OBBY you gotta actually make it challenging or else! what are we even doing here!!

SOLLUX: i like sonic adventure 2

ROXY: yea

DAVE: yea

[ask-the-cookiefish-timeline]

DIRK: Happy Halloween, everybody.

JANE: Yippee!

[ask-the-cookiefish-timeline]

ciao gente! che musica ascoltate, solitamente?

TRANSLATION: hi folks! What music do you usually listen to?

DAVEPETA: B33 < *slides in cutely all smooth like* DAVEPETA: B33 < *meowchal jackson up in this bitch thats how smooth dp slides in* DAVEPETA: B33 < *dp paws through their collection of sick records before landing on the purrfect one and they set that thang gently onto the record player* DAVEPETA: B33 < ive b33n listenin to this jazz fusion band from old earth DAVEPETA: B33 < its called casiopea! DAVEPETA: B33 < if you want a recommendation i like タイムリミット !

ROXY: when i was super young and im talkin like baby ROXY: imagine baby roxy in your brain. oh yeah ROXY: i was super into like early 2000s hip hop n r&b!! ROXY: i had a phase where i would listen to hey ya by outkast on repeat for um ROXY: like genuinely weeks on end i think... ROXY: it was called gettin my hey yas in and it was a genuine ritual that was beneficial to my well being!!! ROXY: that music still means a lot to me but nowadays i listen to a lot of those silly cat song playlists for silly people :3

KARKAT: THIS QUESTION FUCKING SUCKS BECAUSE I HAVEN'T ADMITTED THIS TO ANYBODY YET SO HERE WE GO I GUESS KARKAT: I STARTED DOING THIS BIT FOR MY STUDENTS WHERE I WOULD ONLY PLAY THAT SHITTY STOCK MUSIC BY KEVIN MACLEOD AS BACKGROUND, YKNOW AS THEY DO THEIR WORK KARKAT: DID YOU KNOW WE HAD A KEVIN MACLEOD ON ALTERNIA? THE MUSIC WAS EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME BUT ALL OF THE TITLES WERE DIFFERENT KARKAT: OBVIOUSLY KARKAT: ANYWAYS I PUT IT ON FOR THE KIDS SO MUCH THAT I STARTED GETTING ATTACHED TO IT AND NOW I EVEN PLAY IT AT HOME BECAUSE ITS THE ONLY THING I CAN FUCKING LISTEN TO ANYMORE KARKAT: DAVE KEEPS SAYING "where i come from we call that autism"

[ask-the-cookiefish-timeline]

what does a cookiefish taste like?

JANE: This is a great first question! DIRK: This is a disgusting first question. What does this even mean?

JANE: I believe she is asking what cookies and fish would taste like together! JANE: Since it’s one timeline, after all. Dirk: Probably, uh, I don’t know, really fuckin gross. JANE: Well, let’s try it!

DIRK: … JANE: Come on, you big dummy, you promised you’d have fun with the questions! DIRK: Fine. DIRK: This shits gonna be nasty, though.

[ask-the-cookiefish-timeline]

Apparently asks are not on by default. I have turned them on. Why are asks not on by default? This is the ask website. That’s the whole point.

Whatever.

They’re on now.

Go, my warriors.

[ask-the-cookiefish-timeline]

Yo. We made an ask blog. I mean we as in me and one of the guys who writes this timeline. Everyone else is on board with it, though, so feel free to throw any questions our way, even at those of us you might not know much about. We’d be happy to answer, and I’m sure you’d be happy to know more about us or maybe even put us in some capital S situations.

Ask away, peak Homestuck Tumblr fandom style.

=>

…

I feel like I should back up a bit.

What exactly is this timeline?

This is, what the other author at one point named, Cookiefish.

A post canon of our own. A happy one. Sometimes a mundane one. Sometimes a stressful one. But a happy one.

Who am I?

You already know who I am.

I’m this guy. And also this guy.

I don’t write this timeline, unlike some other guy you might now. I’m just in it. I’m only writing this post because nobody else felt like it. Otherwise I live a pretty chill life. I’m lowkey just a chill guy.

Anyways.

Just about everyone who was “alive” at the end of Act 7 is present here in this timeline. Gamzee’s here. The sprites are here, including both Nannas. Jane’s Dad and the Mayor are here. Can’t forget the Mayor.

If you’d like to know more about our funny little exploits, start here:

When you’re done with those, check out all the other shit we got going on here:

Are any of our answers canon to the actual Cookiefish timeline?

Who knows. Doesn’t matter, right?

We’re all here for fun. It’s all for fun.