askbebenate - Tumblr blog

[askbebenate]

I was very tired from all the havocs i had on my shift. When i got home, the first thing I did was to eat dinner. I did not expect that you would all wait for me for it. Especially you, how many times have i asked you to eat with me for breakfast, lunch or dinner. And you always said you are busy or you are on the phone. I don’t know tonight when I saw your face, it seems your happy that you’re not going to dine on the same table with me. You never failed to hurt me.

[askbebenate]

I still like you.

All the songs i play on my phone are messages for you.

It is me speaking to you.

I am hoping you find time to listen.

[askbebenate]

How i wish i hug you at that moment today. My heart skipped a bit. My stomach had butterflies. I am just happy watching you from afar. We don’t talk.

[askbebenate]

Last night, we sit beside each other again on the bus to work. I was looking outside the window though at times i stole some glances on your face. You are perfect for me. I just realized i still got feelings for you. It is like dusts in a pants pocket. It is hard to take it all out.

How i wish you also glanced at me last night.

[askbebenate]

Struggling but I can do it in time. Baby steps for now.

[askbebenate]

To be honest, i am drowning right now. It is really painful.

[askbebenate]

Dear tumblr,

I did it. I don’t want to spend another Valentines without letting him feel that i care for him. I still did not confess though, still can’t do that big leap. But yes i did greet him a ‘happy valentines’. And of course, as what i expected, he did not answer back. I like him. I really do. But I think that is him saying ‘i don’t like you, i dislike you fucking ugly shit’. Of course i was hurt today. Despite with no high hopes i still dreamt that something special would happen tonight. But it is alright. I think i really need to move on now. I need to focus on myself now. Love myself more. Improve myself.

“In my opinion, the best thing you can do is to find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you … That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.”

— Juno

[askbebenate]

I am sorry if i tend to vent out here the feelings i cannot tell him.

I am not weird, I think I am just in love?

[askbebenate]

Dear tumblr,

I don’t know but everyday i am sharing some part of me here, my heart lighten up a bit. I am comfortable sharing this vulnerable part of me. Sharing the truth about me. Sharing my complicated feelings and emotions. I am fucked up, but here i am slowly getting back to pieces.

[askbebenate]

So near yet too far...

[askbebenate]

Dear tumblr,

Today is Valentines Day. I came from night shift. But the whole shift, i kept on checking my phone. Will he greet me?! Of course, he will not. He’s already in love with that Dutch photographer. And even he’s not, how will he like me?

I ate my breakfast quickly. I just want to avoid meeting his eyes. That is painful for me.

Now in my bed, i can still hear him downstairs. It is very painful. I cannot confess today and will not yet.

This day shall pass any other days.

[askbebenate]

Today i started lifting up my best qualities. Just kidding. I am starting to love anything the least about myself.

[askbebenate]

Maybe someone would like us too, same way we like them.

[askbebenate]

[askbebenate]

I can still remember that was year 2018, the year I started developing feelings for you. You told me you don’t look on outside appearance. So i was convinced by that. But looking forward now, seeing you liking someone who is handsome. I realized I am so dumb to believe you.

But I also remebered that you like happy and funny people. I was a happy and funny person, you know that. It is just that recently when I just realized that my liking towards you become serious love, i decided to distance myself. Everything changed. I am sorry.

Everyday, I always ask myself what if I did not develop affection towards you. Maybe we still having long talks everyday. Maybe you would still go with me for a coffee. Maybe we will still joke around each other. Maybe you would still enjoy my company.

It really sucks for me. February 14 is coming and I still got many feelings towards you. Feelings I can’t confess.

I know that you don’t have feelings for me. I am sure of that now. I posted a tweet ‘give me a sign’ and you did not even like or responded to it. I’ve been so vocal about my feelings. Though i kept it on my tweets. But I know you know who I am talking about on my tweets. That’s how I like you.

But I already had the sign. You don’t like me. It sucks but i should be moving on. Baby steps at least???

[askbebenate]

I am always praying that this feeling would fade. But how will i do that? We live in the same roof. We dine on the same table. We breath same air. Believe me if i say, i am trying to move on. I am trying to dig deep and bury this feelings. I know you don’t like me the way i like you. Maybe right now, you hate my presence. I can feel that. It is seems as if my presence bothers you. I know i can feel it. Your face doesn’t lie. Believe me if i say, i care for you and i want the best for you. I want you to be comfortable, to be doing great everyday. Don’t worry. We just got 5 months the least, I am living your bubble. Maybe this way i will give you peace and I can finally move on.

[askbebenate]

Dear Tumblr,

I went downstairs just a minute ago. I saw you, our eyes met, you went to the toilet. I did not say anything or even smile. I am sorry. I just can’t tell you i like you. I am sorry if i like you. I am sorry i fall for you. It is entirely my fault. I know. That is why i am reaping all the heartaches everytime you don’t talk to me. Everytime you choose to stay at your room. Everytime you exchange messages with that Dutch guy. It hurts me everyday. But i deserve it.