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In an absolutely bizarre turn of events, Conan Exiles has somehow become my recent Cozy Game. Yes, the game where you start of crucified in a desolate wasteland to die of exposure. No, I don't understand it either, but somehow it's super relaxing.

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I've recently begun digging into the old Conan book series by Robert E. Howard, wholly on a passing whim. The movie and cartoon from my youth certainly offered a big misconception about how Conan was actually meant to be portrayed.

Then there's the story "The God in the Bowl", which is basically a locked-room murder mystery where Conan spends the entire story doing absolutely nothing, eating popcorn and idly watching events play out around him. The narration flat-out says "Conan is too dumb to be involved in this plotline" and just sticks him in a corner for the whole story. Until the very end where it gives him a chance to swing his sword exactly one time (as is required in his contract) and then run away into the night. And I find that delightfully hilarious.

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Alma. Darling, sweetling, my precious poogie.

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY THERE'S A GIANT MONSTER WHY ARE YOU SHOVING ME AROUND IN THE MIDDLE OF A HUNT IF YOU WANT TO FIGHT TOO FINE BUT GAH

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I was recently skimming through very old tags and remembered @techmomma made this for a Skyrim AU years back. I cackled, so I needed to share it.

This is what happens, Merri. Though Jarl Ainsley thought it was an absolute hoot, in all fairness. 

Don’t mess with two people who know paralyze spells.

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When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.

When your sister gives you a giant bag of onions, you make French Onion Soup. At least, that's what I do. I don't like lemonade.

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MAKIN' SOUP

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BIRF

BOOYYYYY

HAPPYYYYY

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Hey, Entropy, you missed me again. Bitch.

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Did y'all know that, back in the 90s, the Sonic the Hedgehog comic published an official chili dog recipe?

Did y'all also know that it's actually pretty darn good chili?

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Y'know, I keep watching Star Wars shows in hopes that even one of them might have learned something from Andor, but noooooo...

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We done told Meemaw not to go on no more adventures. We said at her, "Listen, Meemaw, you are 83 goddamn years old and the doctor says you can't go on no more adventures, it's bad for your ticker." But she done got up her hauberk and that god-killin axe of hers and went right out there and fuckin died and now I gotta go back out there to the dragon's lair with the Staff of Resurrection after her ass *again*.

Weren't her heart or nuthin, tho. She got et by the dragon.

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@modmad

Was it this one?

Uncle Mod please for all that is holy - I swear it wasn't a fever dream, but I can't find the information now, but I swear on my life it was something you reblogged; there was a post that was reblogged about how computer screens were never the same color/never matched on the RGB scale and etc, and someone added to the post about a website... program.... thing??? that would help you scale and match your monitors so they were as close to the same color as possible???

I'm working with two different computer screens at home, from two different entire eras of manufactoring, and two different brands - NOT INCLUDING my drawing tablet, that is a screen itself. I'm trying to get the RGB to match as best I can and its going to drive me insane, please tell me you know the post I'm talking about and you can link it to me/reblog it again for me to see I swear it was something you reblogged please tell me I'm not already insane LMFAO UNCLE MOD HELP ME-

*Lights the Bat Signal YO TECH PEOPLE. ANYONE KNOW THIS POST???

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Japanese-style curry rice with chicken thigh and over-easy egg.

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This made me do a double-take on Imgur today.

@nostrem

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From the Adventurer's Bible.

THE IMPLICATIONS THAT ONE LINE HAS, HOLY SHIT.

I'm loving Dungeon Meshi's mix of quasi-probable magical biological realism and "It's magic fuck you."

Red dragons swallow their prey whole and use the undigestible remains as fuel for their fire breath, which is lit by creating a spark with their tongue. Living armors are colonies of mollusks who expand and contract to mimic muscle movement. Actually "man-eating" plants is a misnomer, they catch small animals with a filament that retracts when touched and they use their decomposing prey as compost.

These mushrooms can turn you into a gnome. It's magic fuck you.

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Additional enjoyment: Kui throwing shade at her own characters via worldbuilding lore.

She confirms that resurrection magic draws from the subject's body fat and muscle first, meaning that being big and beefy is a sign of being a capable adventurer. IE, that you haven't needed to be rezzed a bunch of times and are successful enough to eat well.

In that same discussion, she remarks on how skinny Kabru is and how he's lost a lot of weight lately.

And then she puts him in this shirt:

unironically love that Ryoko Kui implied these horrible experiments were done with dungeon resurrection and then never elaborated on what the results were. or who the tests were performed on.

"so experiments on pregnant people were done at various stages of pregnancy and how it affects resurrection? kabru explicitly says this?"

ryoko: yes.

"so. so what were the results."

ryoko:

"what were the results ryoko"

ryoko: ;)

"ryoko"

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I've griped before about the weird amount of gall and attitude people have when nearly causing car accidents or getting themselves run over, but I just experienced it yet again.

I was sat at an intersection waiting for the light to change, at a full stop. A pick-up truck from the other side starts across and the driver is looking out his side window at who knows what, in full profile rather than where he's heading. Head swiveled entirely in that direction, not paying the least bit of attention to where he's going. Dude drives straight-up onto the wrong side of the road, into my lane, directly into oncoming traffic: that is to say, directly at me. I can't maneuver out of his way because I'm boxed in by other cars and a curb, so all I can do is blast my horn and brace for impact. Even as I'm honking over and over, he doesn't notice at all and just keeps coming at me.

Dude finally puts his eyes up front when he's maybe a yard or so from my bumper and swerves hard back onto the correct side of the street. Even then, he barely misses clipping me at the speed he was going. At no point in any of this did he so much as touch the brake pedal. Though I'm relieved to not be in a head-on collision, I naturally give him the universal "what the hell are you doing?!" hand raise gesture as he passes by my side.

Dude flipped me off in response.

As ever, I love driving but I fucking hate other drivers.