aslightlydifferentchristmascarol

[aslightlydifferentchristmascarol]

Scrooge: I'll be back before you can say "smoking bishop". Cratchit: Smoking bishop. Scrooge: Maybe not that fast. But pretty fast, okay?

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Scrooge: And you know what they call a 6-pound goose in Camden Town? Marley: They don't call it a 6-pound goose? Scrooge: No, they got no sense of size, they wouldn't know what the heck 6 pounds is. Marley: Then what do they call it? Scrooge: They call it a wonderful goose. Marley: Wonderful goose...

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Fred: At least wear the matching t-shirts with personalized catchphrases I made for everybody.

Amelie: I don't have a catchphrase-

Fred: [throws her a t-shirt that has "I don't have a catchphrase" printed on it]

Cratchit: Ooh, he is good.

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Cratchit: Guess what day today is? Scrooge: "Annoy Ebenezer Day"? Cratchit: No, silly! That's on the fifteenth.

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(After Fred's Christmas party is over)

Scrooge: Bye, Cratchits! Bye, Marleys! Bye, Fred! Bye, Marleys! Fred: You said "Bye, Marleys" twice. Scrooge: I like the Marleys.

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Scrooge: Stop that, I'm claustrophobic! Cratchit: What does that mean? Marley: It means he's afraid of Father Christmas, AKA "Santa Claus" in America. Scrooge: No, it doesn't- Cratchit: Ho, ho, ho! Marley: Stop it, Cratchit, you'll scare him!

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I'm 16 years old! I'm not a child anymore!

Martha Cratchit

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Child Marley: Hi, Ebenezer. What are you doing? Child Scrooge: laid back against a tree Nothing. Marley: tilts his head Nothing at all? Scrooge: Nope. Marley: … Marley: sits beside Scrooge I'll help. Scrooge: Please do!

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Scrooge's father: I hope that someday you'll have a kid who puts you through what you put me through! Child Scrooge: Grandma says that's what she used to tell you.

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5-year-old Peter: We don’t have to go to bed now! 8-year-old Martha: Yeah! We don’t have to do what you say! Cratchit: Actually, you do. It’s in your contract. Peter: Our contract? What contract? Cratchit: Oh, it’s a pretty standard pre-natal form. Your mother and I have had power of attorney since Martha was just a few cells. Paragraph Two specifies bedtime. (later, as they head to their rooms) Peter: Papa says we can renegotiate when we’re eighteen years old. Martha: This 7:30 bedtime will be hard to explain to our prom dates.

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Once again, my life has been saved by the miracle of gravy.

Jacob Marley

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Cratchit: What do you think of that? Marley: Wha…? Mustard! Cratchit: (confused, walks away) Marley: That's my fallback answer for when I haven't been paying attention.

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Amelie: Jacob, there was a plate of roast beef here. Where’s the roast beef? Marley: Resting comfortably. Amelie: Where’s the plate? Marley: Resting not so comfortably.

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Cratchit: (standing next to Scrooge and holding a water balloon) Mr. Scrooge… A water balloon… (takes out a pin and makes an evil face) A pin… *POP* Cratchit: (soaked, while Scrooge is completely dry) That didn't turn out quite how I had hoped.

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Amelie: This is for Jacob, when you find him. *kisses Scrooge on the cheek* Scrooge: *clears throat* Alright, but I-I don’t think it’ll mean the same coming from me.

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Scrooge: Amelie, don't pretend you’re not the kind of girl who keeps a list of all the guys she sleeps with. Amelie: I have one. It’s called my marriage license. Marley and Amelie: [high five]

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(Marley carries a rose in one hand and a chocolate box in the other. He practices what he will say.) Marley: Amelie, I, uh --- love you. No, that's not good. Amelie, honey, I love you. Oh, um, Amelie, I love ya, baby. Amelie, sweetie, "hooney", honey, ahh, this will never work. (Amelie opens the door for him before he even puts in his key. She stares angrily, about to pounce when--- Marley holds up the flowers and heart-shaped chocolate box innocently.) Marley: I love you, Amelie. Amelie: Oh, Jacob. I love you too. (The two kiss on the front doorstep.)