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asterbi · 4 years

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[Caught by Penguin's goons and tied to chairs in a warehouse, waiting for the cavalry]

Red Robin: I'm gonna say it. Shakespeare is overrated.

Red Hood: Ok, first of all: how dare you. Second of all: how DARE you?

Red Robin: He's boring and Romeo and Juliet is ridiculous bullshit.

Red Hood: Counterpoint. Romeo and Juliet was always meant to be satire and if you read it with the knowledge that teenagers are idiots it's actually a fantastic, mean commentary on teenage romance.

Red Robin: The only way I'll accept that argument is if he was purposefully making fun of a particular pair of teenagers that he knew in real life and "Romeo and Juliet" was really Shakespeare being petty and mocking his cousin or something.

Red Hood: You- yeah that would be great actually.

Red Robin: Right? Still, my original point stands: Shakespeare is given way too much credit. So he invented some words. big whoop.

Red Hood: He basically invented the English language!

Red Robin: He better have considering the lenght of some of the monologues.

Red Hood: Look, thanks to Shakespeare we get to study dick jokes in school. There are so many dick jokes! How can you NOT like him?

Red Robin: One would think you'd be over Dick jokes, growing up in our family.

Red Hood: Well where do you think I get most of my material??

Red Robin: I'll concede that Macbeth is okay, but the rest of his tragedies? I mean, Hamlet? More like Ham-let-me-out-of-this-AP-English-class

Red Hood: One, that was sub-par and I expect better from you. Two; are you seriously going after HAMLET?

Red Robin: [snorts] Of COURSE you would enjoy a play about a death-obsessed dude with daddy issues and a thirst for revenge.

Red Hood: OK, POINT! But I'm still HELLA insulted. And Shakespeare is a master at exploring the human condition!

Red Robin: [rolls his eyes]

Red Hood: [to one of the Henchmen guarding them] Hey, you! With the ski-mask and bad enough judgement to wear sneakers to a gunfight!

Henchman: Uh... yea?

Red Hood: Back me up here. Shakespeare is a cultural icon.

Henchman: well, uh, he always kinda bored me in school

Red Robin: A-HA!

Red Hood: Oh shut up. Since when are Penguin's goons the go-to authority on literature

Red Robin: Since Shakespeare gets way too much credit because of fanboys like you.

Red Hood: Says the man who CRIED about the Hobbit movies. Several times.

Red Robin: THEY RUINED IT. EXCELLENT PRECEDENCE, EXCELLENT SOURCE MATERIAL AND THEY-

Boss Henchman: [barges in] what the fuck is going on in here? Who's making so much fucking noise?

Red Hood: [inclines his head towards Red Robin] Red Robin here thinks Shakespeare is overrated.

Boss Henchman: [immidiately involved] YOU'RE INSULTING THE BARD? HE BASICALLY INVENTED THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Red Hood: [mimicking Red Robin] A-HA!

Red Robin: Look, if you want to stan an author who made a comedy about gaslighting and subjugating a woman through marriage be my guest but I'm different

Boss Henchman: That's a bullshit argument

Henchman #2 -a woman: Nah, he's got a legit point.

Red Robin: Thank you!

Red Hood: One bad play doesn't mean you can diminish the impact of his work as a whole

Red Robin: Oh CAN'T I?

Boss Henchman: I will not stand here and see the Bard slighted in my own house- warehouse- whatever!

-----20 minutes later-----

Boss Henchman: -HISTORICAL CONTEXT

Red Robin: SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING A SEXIST APOLOGIST WOULD SAY

Red Hood: THAT'S NOT EVEN-

-----40 minutes later-----

Boss Henchman: SHAKESPEARE SHOWED ME THAT WORDS CAN BE BEAUTIFUL

Henchman #1: I WENT TO AN ALL BOYS SCHOOL!! THEY MADE ME PLAY JULIET DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH SHIT I GOT ON THE STREETS

-----70 minutes later-----

Red Hood: YOUNG LEONARDO DI CAPRIO WAS A LEGIT SNACC AND IF YOU SAY ANYTHING ELSE YOU'RE LYING

Red Robin: SO WATCH GANGS OF NEW YORK AT LEAST THAT'S INTERESTING

-----90 minutes later-----

Red Robin: THE FUCKING BARREL SCENE!! WHAT EVEN WAS THAT?!!

-----2 hours later-----

Red Hood: HE TAUGHT HISTORY TO THE MASSES!

Red Robin: HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO SLEEP IN CLASS WITHOUT GETTING CAUGHT IS WHAT HE DID

-----2,5 hours later-----

Boss Henchman: [pointing a gun at Henchman #1] HOW DARE YOU CALL OTHELLO A LI'L BITCH-

Henchman #2: [Hits Boss Henchman over the head with a chair] JUSTICE FOR KATHERINA

Red Robin: [Cheering] GET HIM, SUSAN

-----4 hours later-----

------The Batcave------

Bruce: [tiredly, rubbing the bridge of his nose] Ok, tell me again how you managed to escape.

Tim and Jason: [glancing at each other]

Tim: First off, I'd like to state for the record that we had everything perfectly under control.

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asterbi · 4 years

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Red Robin #3

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asterbi · 4 years

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things damian has learned from his siblings

Dick Grayson.

How to play Mario 64 on Dick’s old N64. Bruce was particularly excited about this development because he would play the same game with his oldest during his Robin days.

How to lead team-bonding with the Titans. He’s still working on how to be an effective leader, but with help from Dick, he’ll get there someday.

Jason Todd.

How to pick locks. Sure, Damian already knew how to get out of simple handcuffs and open some doors. But with Jay’s help, no where is off limits to him. Jason only slightly regrets this when Damian scares the shit out of him when the kid is sitting on his couch in the middle of the night after getting past Jay’s defenses.

How to make Jason’s “special” sandwich. It’s a combination that he came up with in his pre-dead days and only Dami and him seem to enjoy whatever it really is made up of.

Cassandra Cain.

When to act and when to be silent. He’s learned mostly from observing Cass and mimicking her behaviors.

How to braid hair. He’s always been curious about different hair styles, and the only other person in the manor with long enough hair to braid is Tim, and that was an awkward conversation he was unwilling to have. Instead, he hung around Cass every time she did Babs’s or Steph’s hair. She noticed immediately and started slowing down for him to watch and learn.

Tim Drake.

How to make paper cranes. It’s a compulsive nervous habit Tim has to grab any paper near him and try to fashion it into an origami piece. Dami would collect them when Tim fell asleep and try to reconstruct them with the folds he had made. After multiple failures, he woke Tim up and demanded he teach him. They spent an entire night making an army of paper cranes.

How to make real friends. Damian has always been jealous of how strong Tim’s friendships were, until he realized the root of that jealousy was his longing to have relationships on the same level. Damian’s friendship with Jon is built off of mannerisms he observed between Tim and Kon.

Duke Thomas.

How to enjoy reading. Before meeting Duke, Damian’s bookshelf was full of books about practical information like biology and self defense. Duke is a big reader of all sorts of genres, which piqued Damian’s interest. While his brother was out patrolling, he stole an old sci-fi book from his room and read the whole series in a matter of hours. Duke noticed later that his bookshelf had been slightly rearranged and put the pieces together. Sometimes he buys new books he thinks Damian will like and puts them where he can easily find them.

How to mend clothing. Damian has always been used to receiving new clothing when his current pieces have been torn or ruined in anyway. One day, Duke sat at the kitchen counter sewing a part of the zipper back his favorite hoodie and Damian sat down next to him, determined to fix a jacket of his own.

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asterbi · 4 years

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Girls aren’t thinking about boys, they’re thinking about the new Superman comic by Gene Luen Yang based on the real Superman radio serial from the 1940s where Superman fought a fictionalised version of the KKK called “Clan of the Fiery Cross”, and the radio station used secretly gathered code words and details about the KKK to sabotage them, leading to one of the biggest falls in KKK recruitment ever :]

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asterbi · 4 years

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Justice League Redesigns - Created by Kenneth Rocafort

#this is why kenneth rocafort is the coolest artist #holy shit

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asterbi · 4 years

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Batfam headcannons

These are random, enjoy.

Tim cannot sing for shit, he sounds like a dying pig. Unless he's singing in a Florence Whelch-type voice, because then he sounds absolutely amazing. Not even he understands it.

Stephanie loves heavy rock music and recent pop music equally, and likes to play it loud.

Damian once called Harper "practically useless" while she could hear him, to which she replied "Choke on it" almost instantly. Earned instant respect from Jason, Tim and Steph.

Babs has turned off Tim's computer remotely more times than she can count, and each time is equally hilarious.

Jason starts his facts with "it is a truth universally acknowledged" in a British accent. Every time. He loves Jane Austen.

Tim gets along REALLY well with John Constantine, because disaster bi TM, and Tim just thinks John is super cool (John called Tim "son" once but ssshhhh).

When Dick first brought Wally to the manor, Damian didn't like him one bit. When Dami caught them kissing on the couch though, he was frustrated because West makes Grayson happy so I can't eliminate him, but I still don't trust him!

Bruce gets annoyed when Dick Brings Wally on patrol with him, only because they flirt over the coms and it's REALLY cheesy. He has cringed one too many times.

Cassandra absolutely adores vintage dresses, and has over 40 of them.

Helena and Damian get along. They put salt in Tim's coffee together and it makes Jason laugh.

Steph can speak in a variety of different accents, including German, Irish, British, Australian, Indian, London, and more. When she and Tim first met John Constantine, she greeted him in an accent the same as his own, and he burst out laughing. She calls it her great victory.

Babs puts whoopie cushions under the seats of the bat-mobile. Hysterically hilarious every single time.

Harper and Duke can say "what the fuck you trickass bitch" is absolute PERFECT unison, and they use is regularly.

Tim can walk in heels. No one knows why or how.

Dick can also walk in heels, because even though he is now fully grown, Wally is still a good 10 inches taller than him. So Dick adapted.

Jason, Cassandra and Donna Troy have a book club. They meet on Sundays. Only 4 people know, and that 4th person is Rita Farr/Elasti-girl, who joins them when they read books from the 1930s.

Jason and Rita Farr have a friendship built on their mutual love for old books. They actually recognised each other from league database photos at a secluded book shop.

Damian get anxiety if he leaves something behind, like his mobile phone on the coffee table, or something as simple as his drawing in another room. This annoys him on patrol, because he gets twitchy and anxious if he doesn't retrieve a batarang.

Alfred doesn't swear when Bruce is around. When Bruce is not around, the occasional "shit" can be heard. Occasionally. No one says anything about it.

Wally once pranked Jason by vibrating at such a frequency that he was able to walk through Jason without hurting him. It scared Jason so much he squealed.

Tim is asexual and proud. He takes approximately zero shit.

Tim doesn't actually talk much unless he is spoken to. He's kind of a happy loner.

Cass communicates through morse code when she can't be bothered signing or forming words.

Dick tried joining the JL for all of one week, but Wally kept slipping their inside jokes into conversation and Dick essentially got kicked off for laughing.

Tim and Steph are strangely close friends for people who used to date. They say they look past that though. They believe they are healthier as best friends.

Steph loves being single because she enjoys not having the pressure of a relationship with this lifestyle. Although, she would like a small family one day.

Tim, the disaster bi TM that he is, has yet to find himself a partner. (Though there is this guy in his physics lecture at university, Jesse, who Tim thinks is a literal angel.)

Kate , Tim, Dick, Wally, Harper and maybe sometimes even the disaster bi magic duo (Constantine and Zatanna) go to the Gotham pride parade. Tim hacks the speakers and plays lady Gaga.

Kate also teaches Tim how to fight without needing to use much physical strength, bc we all know Tim is Smol TM.

Tim can mimic the joker's laugh perfectly, and for that, the joker has expressed respect for Tim. Though it was pretty funny when the joker started laughing only to be joined by Tim who then proceeded to beat him up. Even Bruce laughed a bit.

Jason and Cass have "emotion sessions" in one of Jason's safehouses once a month, where they share their frustrations and sorrows, and smash cheap mugs of the walls.

Steph makes waffles out of chocolate mud cake mix. Not even Alfred can master the art of it.

Damian sometimes wishes the role of Robin wasn't as important to him as it is. He never acts upon those wishes.

Tim has a Tumblr and posts fanfic, headcannons, gif sets, and legendary shitposts. (One of us, One of us, One of us!!)

Stephanie and Barbra both donate at least 12 inches of their hair to charity every 3-4 years.

Both Stephanie and Barbra totally rock neck-length super-choppy hair for the first 2 months after the donation. They also seem to somehow pull off the awkward length where their hair falls in their face, but it's still not long enough to fit into a pony tail. (Also the both DEFENANTLY rock swishy between ears and shoulders, then between shoulders and back lengths. These girls look stunning in anything!)

Dick still owns his discowing suit, and he wears it to Halloween parties. Wally likes it.

Duke once had to get Bruce's help as batman during the day, and joined the villain they were fighting in laughing at how stupid the batman costume looks during the day.

Jason sounds like darth Vader cross iron man when he has his helmet on, and Dick, Wally and Roy all tease him about it.

Tim stands in corners at charity balls and galas. Partly because he doesn't like talking to strangers, but mostly because no one will catch him drinking coffee and champagne mixed together like a madman.

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asterbi · 4 years

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cass & tim eating ice cream to bless your day

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asterbi · 4 years

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#BatsInQuarantine

I am going insane. So I poured my restlessness into one long and very detailed post and got super into it. Please enjoy this hot mess.

The Justice League, being the well-meaning virus-proof Super Friends that they are, took one good look at the news, one good look at their non-powered friends Ollie, Bruce, and their families, and collectively decided that these normal humans must be Protected At All Costs.

Now, keep in mind, Bruce is never one to roll over when it comes to being benched.

However, he understands the importance of social distancing. He knows he needs to set a good example for his kids, and keep up appearances as Gotham’s Most Responsible Multi-Billionaire.

So. Quarantine it is.

But how are his kids handling it?

Dick -

100% on board in the beginning. Gotta do the Responsible Thing. Gotta set a Good Example. Besides, guys, this is gonna be Fun. Quality Family Time is always a Must.

He lasted 2 days.

Then he started to get twitchy.

And as everyone knows? A Trapped Dick Grayson is a Feral Dick Grayson.

He bounces off the walls.

Literally.

“I have to climb.”

“Dick, no.”

“I have to climb everything.”

Has scaled the manor 16 times already. Has climbed the chandelier. The banister. Bruce. The roof. The Cave. Anything in the house that’s been bolted down and especially anything that hasn’t.

Duke found him clinging to the wall 10 ft off the ground like Spiderman and screamed so loud it shattered glass.

Desperate for news of the outside.

He thrives off of it like a starving man.

Was the one to suggest he and Barbara take a break to Social Distance from each other (”Sorry, babe, kissing spreads germs”) and experienced Instant Regret™ approximately 5 minutes after.

The Family has labelled him a Flight Risk Level 1 (Most likely to say f**k it and make a break for the outside world)

Jason -

Accidentally got trapped inside the manor with the others when Bruce called Shutdown. If he had his way, he’d be chilling in his favorite safe-house right now, binging The Witcher with Roy and Artemis, and not worrying about finding a stray brother in his sock drawer.

But he’s nothing if not an opportunist.

The way he sees it, Jason has 3 options:

Self Improvement

Self Isolation (See Duke, Cass, and Damian)

Descension Into Madness (See Dick and Steph)

And, well, he always wanted to try a few things. Now he’s got the free time to do it.

So he settles on baking.

Alfred’s got enough food and raw ingredients stored up to feed an army. (Not because he’s a Panic-Buying-Hoarder in times like these. But because he’s a Panic-Buying-Hoarder all the time. Just try feeding 11+ teenagers sometime.)

Uses recipes he finds off Google.

His first few attempts are, in a word, ‘tragic’.

Alfred slips him a few of his recipe cards, and Jason suddenly starts seeing Results.

Turns out he’s pretty good at this baking thing once he gets the hang of it.

Hope everyone’s okay eating nothing but pie, macaroons, biscuits, and whatever else Jason whips up.

Cause that’s gonna be the only food left by the time he’s done.

Barbara -

Self-quarantined with her dad.

They’ve been binge-watching classic black and white movies together.

It’s a fun time, but she’s started to get a little antsy. Loving her dad and wanting to be around him 24/7 are, understandably, mutually exclusive.

Calls the manor to video-chat every day.

For her sanity just as much as theirs.

Gives everyone little challenges to film on their phones and send in. She makes compilations of everyone’s submissions so they can all watch and laugh together.

Bonus points for Creativity

One comp shows the family trying to drop Mentos into coke bottles.

Dick did a handstand, and dropped his Mento from the second story balcony.

Tim did it wearing the Batman cowl. The soda exploded into his face, and the rest of the video is just Bruce’s Shrieking.

Stephanie tried it, but the bottle tipped. Everyone on camera screamed as the bottle rocketed through the front window.

She spends most of her calls having one-on-one convos with Dick.

They’ve come up with little code phrases so they can be Cheesy even with family members lurking in the background.

She thinks the way he clings to the monitor is cute.

Almost like he’s giving her a hug through the screen.

(It’s easier than letting herself worry about his mental state, at least)

Tim -

Oh this boy.

Freaked out for the first five minutes before he decided ‘hey wait, Bruce is letting me stay in my pajamas all day? Noice.’

Now he’s just vibing.

The rest of his family is Low-Key shielding him.

He Has No Spleen, you see.

Steph: “Someone could cough on him and he could die!”

He just goes about his day, playing Animal Crossing like there’s no tomorrow, tinkering on projects, taking naps, etc. Living his best life.

Meanwhile there’s always someone lurking behind him, keeping watch, keeping him safe.

Dick sneezed within 5 feet of Tim once (the fact that he was on top of the dusty bookshelf Tim was perusing is irrelevant)

Jason still full-body tackled him the second Tim’s back was turned.

No one with any symptoms–

Like, any symptoms. They don’t even have to be Corona-related.

–is allowed within 10 feet of Tim.

Tim has been wandering the manor for weeks, now, without seeing another human being.

(He sees Dick on the ceiling sometimes, but that doesn’t really count)

He’s been trying increasingly drastic pranks and shenanigans to draw someone, anyone, out.

But it doesn’t matter how many times he steals Damian’s sword, or sets fire to Jason’s brownie bites.

Nobody wants to risk it.

Cass -

No one has seen her since quarantine started.

Everyone is approximately 87% sure she’s somewhere in the manor though

Because she does eat the meals Alfred leaves out for her.

Or at least someone does, at any rate.

(Jason and Santa top the running suspects list)

Santa was Steph’s suggestion. For some reason it snowballed.

It’s assumed that Cass misunderstood the meaning of ‘social distancing’ and took it too far.

But no one knows for sure.

She is Tim’s Guardian Angel.

People who so much as clear their throats a little too loudly anywhere near him suddenly wake up on a different floor of the house four hours later.

Duke came closest to spotting her while he was up in the attic.

Either that, or there’s another Creepy Sister everyone forgot to tell him about living up there.

She is silent, and watchful, sticking to the shadows, but she does leave the occasional note out to brighten her siblings’ day.

Things like ‘helo i love u’ and ‘hop u ar ok’ mostly.

She is bound and determined to protect her family from this invisible threat, no matter the cost.

Steph -

Like Dick, she was Super Pumped at first.

(Just kind of showed up at Wayne Manor before quarantine was enacted. The original purpose of her visit is unclear, but regardless, she’s Trapped.)

Also Like Dick, her descent into madness was swift.

She is impossible to pin down.

Not like Cass or Damian, who’ve stayed off the grid, and are therefore Untraceable.

No. She’s impossible to pin down, because she never stops moving.

Switches seamlessly between Zumba on top of the Giant Dinosaur in the Batcave, and furiously knitting Alfred (the Cat) a sweater with a pair of Tim’s used chopsticks.

Braided everyone’s hair while they were asleep.

Even Bruce’s.

She tried to do Tim’s, but somehow blacked out and regained consciousness in the attic.

When she woke up with a scream and a furiously twitching eye, she startled Duke out of his Makeshift Fort he built out of old cardboard boxes and antique furniture. He’s had to resort to finding a new hiding place.

Sometimes, on the rare occasions she does sit still, staring off into the distance, she’ll suddenly start laughing hysterically. This may last between thirty seconds and thirty minutes, depending entirely on how long it’s been since she’s knitted a cat sweater or done cartwheels through every room in the house.

Blew up the greenhouse out back, somehow.

Everyone has agreed not to talk about it.

Some people were built to handle prolonged time inside their homes.

Stephanie Brown is not that way.

Damian -

Damian Wayne Cannot Be Contained.

At least not inside the house.

He took off thirty-six hours into quarantine.

Thanks to the security equipment around the borders of the Wayne Estate, he can’t escape the grounds.

(He’s tried and failed multiple times. Jason and Bruce have a running bet on how many times the perimeter alarms will go off per day.)

(Jason is winning.)

He wanders the grounds with Titus as his only companion.

The two of them run laps, practice drills, and find ways to occupy their time.

No one’s entirely sure what those ways are.

In fact, nobody knows exactly where Damian is at any given time.

Only that he is Out There.

And he’s the best security system Wayne Manor’s ever had.

So far, he’s stopped five groups of civilians scaling the perimeter walls before the lasers and electric nets even have a chance to deploy.

They were trying to break in and steal supplies.

(Even ones they already had in surplus. Like Toilet Paper.)

He’s also stopped Dick from escaping twelve (12) times.

Drags him back by his shirt collar and deposits him on the welcome mat.

Usually with a note for Alfred/Jason, requesting more fruit tarts.

Duke -

Did not leave the attic for two weeks.

Then Steph discovered his hiding spot (read: was dumped there by Cassandra) which forced him to relocate to the basement.

Yes, it turns out Wayne Manor does have a basement.

This was a surprise to Duke, who always thought that the Batcave was Bruce Wayne’s basement.

Alfred keeps him supplied with all the necessities:

i.e. food, magazines, assorted pastries from Jason’s latest batch, usually straight out of the oven.

Duke also snagged the Manor’s Alexa.

She has become a sort of ‘Wilson’ to Duke’s ‘Chuck Noland’.

She is his only comfort. His only ally.

He’s determined to wait out this quarantine, doing his best to avoid the others.

Duke has seen these people under pressure.

He knows exactly what he’s dealing with.

Duke: “Alexa is the only motherf****r in this madhouse I ever respected.”

*offended butler noises from the other room*

Duke: “And also Alfred.”

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asterbi · 4 years

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Yo, Dick is the oldest sibling. Y’know what that means? It means he has clowning younger siblings privilege. I want to see more of that shit in this fandom. Like gimme some of this:

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asterbi · 4 years

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Oh god, okay, I just realized the whole scene at the barricades where Valjean chooses to spare Javert instead of killing him (which would have put an end to the threat of his arrest) is A GIANT FUCKING ALLUSION TO THE SCENE IN THE BIBLE WHEN JESUS GETS ARRESTED.

“Jesus’ other disciples were upset at the sight of Roman soldiers and Jewish religious leaders who had gathered there, ready to take Jesus away. So, wielding a sword, one of them (Peter) cut off an ear of a man standing nearby: Malchus, the servant of the Jewish high priest.

‘But Jesus answered, ‘No more of this!’ And he touched the man’s ear and healed him.

Then Jesus said to the chief priests, the officers of the temple guard, and the elders, who had come for him, ‘Am I leading a rebellion, that you have come with swords and clubs? Every day I was with you in the temple courts, and you did not lay a hand on me. But this is your hour – when darkness reigns.’ (Luke 22:47)

This healing was the last miracle that Jesus performed before going to the cross to sacrifice himself for the sins of the world, the Bible says.

In this threatening situation, Jesus could have chosen to perform a miracle for his own benefit, to avoid his impending arrest. But he chose instead to perform a miracle to help someone else, which is the same purpose of all of his prior miracles.”

(source: about.com/religion)

OKAY SO BASICALLY,

-the barricade is the Garden of Gethsemane

-the barricade boys are Jesus’ angry disciples

-I guess Enjolras is Peter, here *le shrug*

-the high ranking members of the French Judicial system are the Jewish priests

-the officers of the police are the Jewish temple guard

-Javert is the servant Malchus (literally a slave to the law)

-Valjean is Jesus for obvious reasons

(I was writing a part of my fic where Javert has this moment of realization about Valjean’s nature and how his goodness is truer than the goodness of the forces of justice which he himself serves, and I was trying to come up with a good allusion/metaphor for what he was feeling and suddenly I thought “It’s kinda like how that one enemy lackey guy must have felt when Jesus healed his ear back on in the bible after Peter cut it o–WAIT A SECOND”)

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