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[asteriskphases]

I have gone years without writing. I just didn't have it in me anymore. But because of recent life events, I have decided that I need to start again. I need to know that my loved ones will be able to hear from me when I am gone. The only way I can think to do that, is if I write as much as possible.

It is unlikely to be in my old poetry format. I am thinking something more like letters, that will eventually (hopefully years and years from now) be read, as if from beyond the grave.

I know how silly this sounds. But with my new diagnosis, I could very easily lose my ability to communicate at any time. I could slip into a coma next week, or develop devastating brain damage, or any of the much worse complications of severe ME.

I just know that I will be more at peace if I go back to my deepest roots, and write letters of things that need to be said. Especially the things that I am afraid to say out loud. I need to step out of my comfort zone in order to one day be the memory that I want people to have when they think of me.

[asteriskphases]

Like or reblog if you save, sweetheart x

[asteriskphases]

I want to be worth your while. I want to be the person you think of when you’re happy. Or when you’re sad. Or lost. Hell, I just want you to think about me. Does that sound vain? I don’t want you to love me because I want you to love me. I want you to love me because I’d be so lost without you. I want to be your map. I want to be here to guide you wherever you need to go. I want to be the one you’re afraid to lose. I want to protect you- Not that I think you can’t protect yourself- I want to tell you that everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. I want you to know that no matter what, I’ll never forget about you. Even if I’m dead, My soul will always remember yours. I want to be reincarnated,  Just so I can spend an extra lifetime with you. I want to be the one you spend your life with. I want to be the last one to tell you goodnight, Goodnight. And i want to be the first one to tell you good morning. Good morning. I want to be the one who makes you forget all your problems. I want to be worthy of your love. I want to know how on earth I managed to get you to fall for me. I want to know how on earth I managed to fall in love with someone so perfect. Never before had I ever wanted someone who is perfect, But you are perfect.  And I want you. And I want to be perfect, But not for anyone else but you. I want to go stargazing with you. I want to go to concerts with you. I want to go on road trips with you. I want to sing, and dance, and mosh with you, At 3am. I want to tell you I love everything about you. Even your flaws. I love everything about you. Especially your flaws. And I want to make sure you know there is nothing that could make me love you any less. There is nothing that could make me love you any less.

Wants by Lei, 2-10-16 (via asteriskphases)

[asteriskphases]

It feels like you are Prometheus Having your insides torn out by giant eagle talons day in and day out It’s like somebody is playing bass with your tendons And drumming on your vertebrae It feels like having a machete slice straight down your spine And having your muscles plucked out one by one It’s like someone is hammering nails into your femurs And then using the hammer to shatter your ankles It feels like having something wedged into your joints, scraping against bone with every move you make You’re being stabbed. Everywhere. You’re always so tired. Your arms are being pulled from the sockets Your phone weighs 200 pounds It feels like dying, but so much worse. It’s just like dying, but you know you’re not. You know you’ll survive And go through all of this again Tomorrow.

I wrote this back in like November or something but it’s relevant tonight (2-22-16) soooooo -Lei (via asteriskphases)

[asteriskphases]

Red is like glasses clinking, smile lines and proud cries…. Red is the enamoring blush, whispering secrets back and fourth… Orange is like acoustic concerts, hand holding and old inside jokes… Orange is the Stars dancing across their cheeks, ‘Truth or dare’s and ‘Bloody Mary!’s Pink is like a soft bell, children playing hopscotch… pink is the glimmer in their eyes, tea parties and giggle fits… Green is like laughter-filled yelling, tag and recess…. green is the crooked in their grin, ‘Hey look what I can do’s and ‘I dare you to eat grass!’s…. Yellow is like birds chirping, sunny days and long naps…. Yellow is the light behind their smile, ‘This made me think of you’s and ‘it’s been a while’s…. Blue is like an ocean wind, sand between your toes and constant smiles…. Blue is the way their hair falls around their face, days dancing in the sun with your best friend… Purple is like a quiet hummingbird, rainy days and soft hugs…. Purple is the joy and passion in their cry, 'You’re adorable’s and 'I love you more’s…

Lei, 3-5-16 (via asteriskphases)

[asteriskphases]

I genuinely wish I could say I’m up at 2:06am crying over some silly crush. But really, I’m crying because of pain so bad If it weren’t for autofill I couldn’t get any words out at all. Really, I’m crying because of the childhood I wasted sitting in the ER, where I couldn’t get the point across that !!! I AM SICK !!! Really, I’m crying because of the research I’ve been doing on all of those medications I couldn’t stop taking if I tried, Due to the high risk of heart failure, Kidney failure, Liver failure, Stroke, Seizures, 5 types of cancers… Really, I wish I was crying all night Because I failed a math test. But really, I’m crying because of the fact I haven’t been healthy enough to Go to school and fail a math test in 3 years. Really, I’m crying because of my failure At trying to participate in life, Couldn’t succeed no matter what, I know, I know, But really, I’m crying because I wish So god damn badly I was crying because of some weak ass bully- Something that I can get rid of, Something I can fix, Something that’s easy to control, Instead of 10 incurable diseases That have total control of entire my life.

2:06 am Lei, 2-18-16 (via asteriskphases)

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I need a cigarette Or something just as destructive A big dose of lemon haze A freshly sharpened blade A drink or two Or maybe a tight noose But the problem with Needing these things Is that they will take My anxiety away They’ll relieve my depression And calm my nerves This is why I need them… But if I get them, If I lose these parts of me, I don’t know who I’ll be. I am my anxiety Depression Pain I am nothing more than illness Without it I’ll simply Cease to exist And I don’t want that, Not now, Because I won’t let you Feel guilty about this.

Lei 3-28-16 (via asteriskphases)

[asteriskphases]

She said I’ve always been a daydreamer That she’d have to pull me out of one multiple times a day, That i’d always try to share them to the class. But even though it was a  disruption, She’d often times allow it. Weekly, she says, I’d try to convince her to have class outside. She wouldn’t usually allow it, but a few times that year, we spent science class in the soccer field. “Learning” about the clouds. Really, we just pointed out the pictures we saw. She wasn’t supposed to encourage this, But she loved seeing the creativity in our eyes. She used chances like this to get us to draw it out on a page. “Write” she’d say, “Draw, paint, sew, make a game, collage, cartoon, mosaic” “You’ve always told the best stories, Lelah. Your ideas are brilliant. You struggle to get it all on a page, And to slow down, You sometimes confuse your reader, by switching verb tense too much” She tells me One day in calss, Marissa asked, “Mrs? What is heartbreak?” We were given an answer, I’m sure, but not one memorable enough to recall. So for Marissa, and for that wonderful teacher of mine, and for every third grader who needs to learn this, here is heartbreak: Heartbreak is feeling your chest being ripped in two, sucking in as much nicotine as you can in hopes it stitches your heart back together. Even though you know, all its going to do is ruin your lungs. You’ll just end up with two ruined organs instead of one. But you don’t care. You have to try. Heartbreak is oversleeping, ditching class, and cutting in the girls room. If you’ve had heartbreak before, you know how to do it so it be seen. If you haven’t, you’re probably going to get caught. But its fine. Because you can’t see anything going correctly ever again. You aren’t foolish enough to believe, you’ll ever be the same again. Heartbreak is becoming a new person. Some become a procrastinators, artists, alcoholics, daydreamers, bullies, poets. Heartbreak hurts more than your heart. It leads to depression, anxiety disorders, ana mia bri sophie ellie cat sue whatever nickname you’ve given your illness. The nicknames, you see, they make it sound less scary. More of a family, than a complication of reasons nobody talks to you anymore. Heartbreak steals your appetite. You can’t eat when you’re so full of misery. You don’t want to eat. You feel like you don’t deserve it. Not until you start to get over them, and that can take days, weeks, months. Heartbreak sometimes heals you. Healing through damage, ridiculous, i know. But its like… re-breaking a bone, so you can set it properly. To heal correctly this time. I hope you all heal correctly this time. I hope you all defeat your addictions, overcome your darkest desires, and i hope you abandon your secret family. I hope none of you ever yell at a child for daydreaming, I hope you encourage that child to be an artist. I hope you explain to them that art isn’t just writing, drawing, painting, and sewing. I hope you explain to every one of them, sometimes art is healing through pain.

‘Dawn’ by Lei, written January 30, 2016 (via asteriskphases)

[asteriskphases]

I was sleeping next to Her, Or maybe I was alone? It’s hard to tell When She feels so intangible- And at the same time, She feels so true, pure, and real. I was listening to Her song, Or maybe it was silence? It gets hard to tell When She sounds so distant- And at the same time, I hear Her in wind, silence, and earth. I was watching Her beauty Or was that the moon? It’s getting hard to tell When I’m finding Her In so many forms Flowers, wind, and trees Winter’s chill and Summer’s breeze… Who is she? Who am I? Why are my senses So constantly Fooling me?

Goddesses, lei, 4-1-16 (via asteriskphases)

[asteriskphases]

Can someone please tell me What happens to the babies Who need green Or purple socks? Can someone please tell me Why there isn’t any way To ask- since they’re the only ones who would know? Can someone please tell me Why it’s not even an option, Green, purple, white for babies who don’t even know What gender is? Can someone please tell me Why don’t you know what gender is? It’s not the same as sex, Those two are mix-matched In so many different ways. Can someone please tell me How you can’t understand this When you blatantly mix-match Your socks? Can someone please tell me How green, white, purple, pink, blue, It’s all the same to you, Until I say that it isn’t, to me? Can someone please tell me Why I grow green with envy, Fade to purple without my pride, And pale to white with pain, When people tell me I’m wrong About the existence of something They have never experienced? And please, Can someone please tell me Is this why those Are the colors on our flag?

Genderqueer Lei, 4-11-16 (via asteriskphases)

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First came the hopeless romantic, how her perfect life finally became frighteningly frantic Because of a century-old rivalry, There was the dancer, With her tea and oversized sweaters, Who’s still fighting for the answers She doesn’t believe she deserves, Next was the anarcho-punk, And his klepto- partner… The night he got too drunk, And she should’ve been smarter, We can’t forget Kate and Iris, Their undying compassion And search for forgiveness That was only ever a distraction, Then came the kid Crazy about restoration And the crimes he committed When he lost his inspiration, Ollie’s neuroticism, Dylan’s deteriorating health, Oscar’s undying skepticism, And Drew’s idiosyncratic self, And that leaves the addict, Soul unbearably damaged… To whom we never really did Find out what happened.

There’s so many lessons On hope and damnation That the heavens Are showing me, through my own creations.

Lei, 4-18-16

(via asteriskphases)

[asteriskphases]

Sometimes, I would wish to fall asleep in her arms one night Sometimes, I would wish to hear her say my name Sometimes, I would wish to see her looking at me the way I always look at her Sometimes, I would wish to see her at the arcade, so I could sneak up behind her and whisper “ten bucks says I fuckin crush you at air hockey” I can remember wishing for her to find a lucky penny, And for our luck to change. Sometimes, I would wish for the smallest, Most ridiculous things, But most of the time I would just wish for her to be happy And safe. I never used to wish At 11:11, or on shooting stars, And then I met her. For her? I wished and wished every Chance I got. A lot of them came true, but they still Turned out sour. Though it doesn’t Make me happy anymore, and I Don’t look forward to it any longer, I still make wishes, And while they aren’t for us anymore, they’re all still for her.

I’m wishing… Lei 7-15-16 (via asteriskphases)

[asteriskphases]

I’m sorry, but were you aware You hold a universe in each eye And stardust sprinkled across your face? I’m sorry, but were you there When the universe was made? Because you are far more Beautiful, wonderful, mystical than even space Could create. I’m sorry, but could we share This dance? I know I’m not with you- You’re not with me- But if we had the chance, Could I have the pleasure To hold such a treasure… I’m sorry, but would it be fair If I asked you to convey A thank-you-note To the stars that brought us together?

Lei 7-23-16 (via asteriskphases)

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I know you always said you’d Be crossing the threshold and Never stopping to look back, But I guess I always assumed You meant to throw a helping hand Over your shoulder for us still being attacked.

I guess I misunderstood? Lei 1-4-16 (via asteriskphases)

[asteriskphases]

My best friend died on a sunny October morning.

According to the paperwork, it was a Sunday. Aside from a soft wind, it was beautiful that day. 75° out, skies clear as the eye could see. The perfect weekend to spend with a good friend.

This is just what I've heard, though, because I didn't know of it until nearly two months later. She was missing for weeks. She's probably spent it with that boyfriend of hers, probably downing bottle after bottle of her favorite Tennessee honey whisky, probably followed by an 8 ball or twelve, probably so strung out she didn't even know she was gone.

I wish we had been fighting, because it would be so much easier if I could be mad. But I can't. Because she didn't hit or yell at me, and she didn't give me any reason to hold a grudge.

She didn't even tell me that she was leaving. I wish that we had been fighting, because I wish that I didn't have to hear from a stranger all of those things that my best friend said and did and I wish that I could've been there for her. And if we were fighting then I would have a reason to blame her or maybe even myself for not being there for her but she didn't want me to be there for her.

My best friend died on a sunny October morning and I didn't even know. She died cold, and alone, surrounded by empty bottles and baggies and I am so ashamed that I couldn't have saved her even if I knew that I had to try.

She was my perfect partner in crime. She to whom I had spent a decade attached at the hip cut me off and pushed me away. I used to do everything with her. Everything.

And now everything I do I am painfully aware that she's not here. Because everything that I say or do or think it's something that I have said and done and fought with her.

Every place I can go, every activity I do, every drink I can make, every one liner or alluring smoking trick, everything. Used to be about her.

They say that it's impossible to imagine a color you haven't seen, but nowadays the world is entirely colors I can't recognize.

My best friend died on a sunny autumn morning. It used to be our favorite season. It's probably still her's, but that's just it. The entire season belongs to her now, and I can't bear to do or say anything that reminds me of her. So I guess I'll just stand here in my nothingness. I'll just stand here in the dark trying not to listen to all of the bands we fell in love with together. I'll just stand here in my nothingness, refusing to write the poems that we so often collaborated on, because I feel that everything I write now days is about her. It's all about the nothingness that I am without her. And it all sounds so much like the note I wish she had left.

Autumn Nights Scare Me

-Leo, 11/11/17

[asteriskphases]

It’s so loud They sound proud All I hear is screaming Though they’re whispering? It seems Inside voices are too loud for inner voids- It’s too loud And theyrealll so proud But what have they done? Bought prom dresses and stolen loved ones? Maybe that’s why it feels wrong? Am I doing pride wrong? Maybe I misunderstood I thought that pride, it was for surviving- Not those already thriving? It’s so fucking loud And they’re so fucking proud And any I had in me is gone Because apparently I’ve been doing this “pride” thing wrong? Maybe I misunderstood? Maybe I don’t know, And maybe pride isn’t synonymous with survived, And maybe I don’t know, Maybe I misunderstood what proud even means?

Leo early May 2017

[asteriskphases]

I love you” I love you. I love you. That’s all that matters, Right? That it ends with such a claim. Maybe, if you’re lucky You might even get an “I’m sorry”, But that doesn’t matter, At least, it’s not the same. Because with “I love you”, That stupid claim, They can say so much more, “You’re stuck with me. We’re family. Listen to me: Don’t disobey, Do as I say, Your opinion? Doesn’t matter, Your world will be shattered, My word is law, And we both know what happened last time you got caught.

Leo May 1 2017