astillburningflame

[astillburningflame]

-----My Only Offering----- You whose hands fashioned Adam, After the fall fashioned his garments also Humbly I come before you, Unworthy of a garment of righteousness. You, who should view me as your enemy Have welcomed me as a beloved friend And in spite of my daily rejection of you, Into my darkened soul did you come, like that fateful day in Hades I, a man of unclean lips, and unclean spirit Woe is me, for I have gone after strange gods I have tasted the Bread of Life And yet, I have gone after strange gods. As Adam and Eve resigned themselves to bitter tears, So too have I looked upon my sinfulness I who can do nothing right, who have nothing to offer Can only offer you my tears In my thrice foolishness, I bring my offering As St Peter did before me And as he did, I hang my head in shame For having been so sure I would have been stronger than I was You who were strong when I was weak, I come before you with a contrite soul My cross is too much to bear at times And I can only pray you will teach me obedience unto death Master; I know I am unworthy My sins are ever before me But in the still night of my soul, Hear the pained whispers With which I cry out to you Have mercy on me Son of David, Don’t pass me by

[astillburningflame]

-----Being Made Perfect----- It was on that three hour drive back home I began to realize what a dark place I’d found myself in. A certain lonesomeness, My cross and my companion. Hand clutching my steering wheel, I begin to grieve I am transported many years in the past- As usual, to when we were still together And I remember the chasm of silence that stood between us As I desperately tried to clutch to what was left You, who had quieted my mind, you who were my warmth It had been six years prior, it has been four years since. And every time I am forced, in this life of mine, To address a chasm of silence A certain type of shame A certain type of insecurity- Yes, I am transported many years in the past I begin to grieve And as the hot bitter tears burst forth, I question the striving and struggle of these years. O, heart of mine; cease your wavering, Cease your faltering, Cease your beating, God of mercy! What a terrible thing it is, To watch the one you love leave you behind And to heap sorrow on sorrow upon yourself Every time circumstance reminds you of what you lost. And indeed What a terrible reminder it was To leave once more, with sorrows still And hours, alone in a car, with nothing to distract me Mother of God, helper of those in need, Look upon me with mercy! What can a wretched man such as myself Ever have to do with the holy things? What love God has shown us, That I could ever be called a son? Even with Christ, I still fall into despair Even with the Resurrection, I fail to see it improving ever. I pass by the sign for Waco, And am reminded of the weekend I spent here After my friend’s father passed I remember it still, so clearly, all these years later And once more, I grieve! For after all the laughs, and after all the love, I have absolutely nothing to show for it. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Every time I have made this trip, I just fall into a deep depression afterwards It's no longer any use asking myself why I’m like this My brain and body work against me To elaborate on that- I’ve been having heart issues lately Well, physically speaking- And I was told it might be from the stress of this past year I cross myself as I pass by a car crash What a miserable time it has been God willing it’ll get better But God knows how weak I am.

[astillburningflame]

-----Beyond the Road to Damascus----- In the valley between two songs, Travelers come, and they go And yet for all the faces that I’ve seen Seems only I have made this valley home A certain solitude has been my companion Faithful like a dog, a friend of many years And what will come of me When I have lost my solitude as well? Will I see the mountains past the valley The villages dotting the landscape The crosses held high on churches near rivers Or would I cling to the deafening silence? I cannot know. But through God’s providence I have found myself Standing on my own two feet, for now. You who gather the waters of my sorrows, You who sustain me in my weakness Let not this little house I built for myself Be swept away in the flood; Six months was a long time to have nothing And the four months since then Have seemed like an eternity To still have so little And what I’ve found in Orthodoxy Has given me new hope Those three barred crosses peering out From over the tops of these hills I have known Ten years a Protestant, Two years lost in this world Abandoned by God’s people I almost lost my faith. But, I try to keep my head up Even with the mountains I’ve yet to climb May God help me finish out this race And give me the brave to move on.

[astillburningflame]

-----Theotokos-----

You know, I thought that I knew what it meant to suffer. I used to think I knew what depression looked like And I guess life has a funny way of surprising you When it comes to these things Because I thought I'd spend my life with you I thought I was done writing poems about you. I suppose this poem really isn't about you, At least, not like the ones I used to write when we were still together Nor is it like the ones I wrote when you left It's for all the times I talked myself out of my heart's desires For all the meals I never cooked And the calls from "mi mama" that I never returned. I can take solace in knowing You will never have a chance to hurt me again In fact, the distance of these past three years Has come to be a great comfort to me I once thought my life was over But I think it might be okay. Hope is perhaps still something worth fighting for I found myself dreaming of a better future again I thought of a baby asleep on my chest- A wife singing a song to herself in the other room And the possibility that maybe one day I will look back And all this will have seemed like a bad dream God will have turned my mourning into dancing, My weeping into laughter These ashes of once painless memories That fall between my fingers Replaced by a hand to hold Of mother and child My God, you take from me the little I have You have once more uprooted my security in life My job, my house, my car I have only you. You say the way out is to go back home And I'm willing to trust you I have been in worse I have had many more second chances And this time when I return back home I intend to be present and invested in my own life To work towards a future, perhaps That I never could have thought possible.

[astillburningflame]

—–My Heart Has Left Me—– Peace be a song In times of sadness During the stillness of a musty May morning When Saturday’s light casts the gently swaying shadows of trees On the wall above my bed- Loneliness saturating even the blowing of the wind Silence be my refuge When terrors return from the recesses Of whatever god forsaken place I shoved them down into When the great deceiver whispers in my ear Causing me to despair, to scream at this world Cursing the ghosts that haunt me still Peace come upon me when the art form I once loved bores me When the people I once loved, I turn away from For all the meals I’ve missed- Damn this old haunt you once resided in God of mercy, My heart has left me. Silent be the birds that chirp As though to say- Arise, and conquer You have dominion over all good things I turn on my side, I tear at my chest Let sleep come upon me now. I float now into the great unconsciousness The last three years of my life were unconscionable I don’t have it in me to dream anymore The flame flickers, and fades fast I gather around coals, Trying to remember what warmth feels like.

[astillburningflame]

The photo mentioned in “Lift This Curse”

[astillburningflame]

-----Lift This Curse-----

Driving home from work a few days ago, I passed no less than three rainbows. It was a muggy day with clear skies And the only indicator it had rained was the still wet road. It is a long drive from my work- There is a lot of time to look around and think. Nothing to write home about But still a pleasure for simple people. I took a photo of the third and final rainbow, And thought about posting it with a caption Urging my friends to see beauty in the world around them In the living love letter a good God has left us But when I stare up at a tree in admiration I can't help but feel I'm the only one who understands what it is saying And in a way, I feel like a mute trying to explain something to a deaf man. I never uploaded that photo I got insecure that my friends really wouldn't actually care that much. That they would view my love for nature as just another quirky thing about me Rather than viewing it as an extension of my passion for the life I only recently found After years of loneliness And depression. I find myself more drawn to plants and animals I don't get insecure whenever I see the neighbor's tabby cat following me- wanting attention Neither am I put off by the great stature of the oak tree, Or the usefulness of the grass, so widespread and needed by so many. A lot of times, I don't feel very useful. I don't feel wanted, much less needed And I know I shouldn't let myself have these thoughts anymore but I wonder about how many people would come to my funeral if I died in a car crash Or who would visit me in the hospital as I waste away from cancer and chemo. These sort of thoughts make me yearn for companionship once more For something beautiful and frail and outside of myself that relies on me and would notice if I died In all my life, I have never felt so loved as the times God's creatures comforted me by their being. In late 2015, when I lost everything, it was a cat that curled up on my chest As the walls shook and I cried until I had a migraine When my parents divorced, it was three dogs that kept me company when no one else did And the times when I came home late at night, freezing and drunk and high and depressed That tabby cat was there, every bit as cold as I was, every bit as lonely as I was But unable to tell me that I was being a piece of shit And that I needed to get my life together. After everything that happened in the past two years, I finally lost hope entirely. I haven't felt safe- or, in control- in so long. It was five weeks before I even had a single conversation with one of my coworkers It has been months since I have gone to church And even the good people still in town who I know love me- Like my old roommate, or my dear friend who helped me through my last year of college Have not seen or heard from me in months. A cat would not ask what the fuck is wrong with me A dog would not point out the fact that I do this to myself The tree outside my house would not ask me why I haven't detached my bike from it in so long But considering all the time I've spent alone, lonely- I have had to think about this a lot. After all- the rest of my life is a very, very long time And I don't want to spend any more time thinking about what I once had. I said something earlier that I'd like to expound on- I said it sometimes felt like I was a mute trying to explain matters to a deaf person I'm not sure that feeling will ever go away. I am a very specific way for a very specific reason And I would be happy to go the rest of my life Never finding a person who can relate to my dependence on things that cannot hurt me If it means they go on to live happy lives with loving spouses and big houses And all the world in their hands. As for me- Some of God's promises are meant for other people I think. Shit sucks at times, But I am learning to be content in being And the trees, the animals- I suppose that is why I have such respect for them, and ultimately- I think it might be okay that I am mute, And I think it might be okay that they are a deaf person As long as they can still see And recognize that I am doing my best.

[astillburningflame]

-----Family----- I was 27 years old at the time.

Life was good. I was getting paid well, I was debt free- and I was no longer so sad about things. I had been seeing someone for a year and a half at that point, and life was really, really good.

I had a dream one night. I thought about the national anthem, weirdly enough. The amber fields of grain. I never had a chance to see anything like that- wheat as far as the eye could see. And then I thought of Nebraska- or rather, my football coach during 8th grade. Coach Morris. He was a physically imposing balding man- and he had a big voice, but he wasn’t all too scary because he allowed himself to grow so attached to his athletes. He was a cornhusker- he played football in college at Nebraska.

My football career was ended short unfortunately due to a concussion. I actually cried when the coach told me I couldn’t play anymore. It was the first thing I had ever become passionate about.

But in my dream- I had this really weird idea. I thought about being a truck driver. I know that’s weird but stick with me for a moment here- I promise I’m going somewhere with this.

I had let my faith fall by the wayside. I had allowed my job- which I truly loved of course- to begin to define my life. I spent more and more time up at the plant, and less and less time in the church. And I don’t know- for some people that probably isn’t important, and I respect that. But it was for me. I just felt as though I had been through too many things in life that should have killed me to not take my faith more seriously.

I always wanted to travel the world- but I knew that I would never be able to justify it in my very prudent spending and also it would annoy me to not be able to speak the language of the people and get to know what was important to them. I value that tremendously- knowing what drives people, scares them, gives them hope.

So always the pragmatist- I decided I wouldn’t travel the world, but I would travel the United States. I would travel Canada, and Mexico. I thought of my tia’s family that lived in Canada, and I thought of all the times I ordered at Mexican restaurants in spanish and spoke to my mother in spanish because I didn’t want to lose my spanish- and I began studying for my CDL exam, and decided I would become a truck driver.

I didn’t tell anyone about it until I had basically already gotten my CDL except for my boss. You should have seen the look on his face. I asked for a year to drive around North America some and do some soul searching and reconnect with God again. Listen to some Christian podcasts and pray in the early morning hours. He understood completely- being a believer himself- but he was still a bit confused.

And so I left security. I left my stable job. I left a lot of things behind for that year- but I like to focus on the things I gained. I had so many conversations with incredible men and women in gas stations, rest areas, and supermarkets over that year. I got to see the cornfields of Nebraska and Montana- I got to see the palms of the Carolinas and visit my grandmother and grandfather’s graves- I got to see the mountains of New York and the majesty of the upper peninsula. I was able to visit Canada and Mexico both a few times- I got to see my extended family.

There were so many times in the early morning hours when I watched the sun’s rising in my truck cabin that I thought about the world we lived in. That Christ would die for a world like ours- that it was still precious to him. I thought of the beauty I had seen- the people I had talked to- the ideals I had had challenged by real honest Americans trying to get by.

To be honest with you- it challenged a lot of the views I held about the world due to the hardships I had faced.

But… My year came to an end. And my old company brought me back on, and I was back to doing the same thing I had spent so long doing, and researching ways to make people healthier and happier with our products.

I had chosen to stop believing this world was as cruel a place as I used to think it was. I had chosen to start believing that most people were genuinely good people trying to make meaning out of madness in this absurd experiment we call the United States of America. I of course- reconnected with God and began getting involved in the high school ministry at my old church. I understood what it was to want to feel important to someone during my teenage years, and given what God brought me out of- I felt a deep obligation to try and make sure no one had to go through what I had to go through. I was never able to get as invested as I always had wanted to- I would still feel extreme introversion and anxiety about putting myself out there. I guess some things never change.

Well- it’s been many years now. I have grown very old. My grandchildren visited me earlier today- and my vision isn’t so good, but they held my hand, and embraced me. I am dying.

I like to think that at some point in this vapor that we call existence- I made a difference. I like to think I was a good husband, father, employee, boss, grandfather. I was always so insecure about my place in this world when I was younger, but I learned how to love this world and it’s people.

I was heartbroken at the prospect of leaving my wife behind- alone to grieve. But there was not much I could do anymore. I don’t think she would ever be able to deny how much I loved her- but I still worried about how she would handle this sort of thing. Sixty three years is a very long time.

Regardless. My time had come. Some say life flashes before your eyes before you die. I thought of all the times I had felt scared and alone in this world, and I thought of the times I had played with my grandchildren- even as my body began to hurt more and they began to grow too large to pick up. I was a happy man- I would die a happy man.

I close my eyes, and await my messiah.

[astillburningflame]

-----God, Where Are You Now?----- Things got a lot better for me after getting out of college That place became such an oppressive hellhole for me at the end I wanted to kill myself constantly, And I know I would have done something idiotic if I had to stay there longer. I am working at the nutrition company. I drink their shakes and I work out when I can I am on a new diet and I hope and pray this will be the time it sticks Cause I hate the way I look sometimes. I gained a lot of weight after the break up I think that sort of thing is normal for people with grief You become too depressed to go to the gym And you find comfort in things that are bad for you And the thing that I hate is the fact that after all this time I’m still hurting so bad As to be scared to talk to a person about my feelings But sometimes work out because I think of loving them, for whatever reason. Loneliness fucking sucks, and I’m sure everyone out there will agree. But I just don’t know what to do anymore. By the time I met her- before the dating, and before the break up- I was so hopeless with relationships. And having loved her was a fluke Because I should have never managed to trust someone. But I did and it didn’t work out It didn’t work out I tell you. I don’t feel like I can trust people anymore I don’t feel like I should even try. I am too sensitive and I cry when I think of losing any more of my best friends I become anxious about losing a fiancé to a car accident or a wife to cancer I think of having to bury a child or worse- Getting divorced and robbed of everything including my kids God, Where are you in this awful world? These hands of yours ache to be held This child of yours aches to be held You said you would not put out a smoldering wick You said, you would not break a bruised reed But I’m not sure how I can go about this Being as hopeless as I am. After what happened to me this year and last- I’m just not sure I will ever be able to receive love ever again. I think that would be an act of the divine To resurrect a dead man such as myself But as it is I barely have the faith My belief is about as noncommittal as anything I’d do with another person. Sometimes I don’t get the fucking point of being a person like me Why I had to have this shit all happen to me. I get pissed off with God at times, Even though I know I shouldn’t. I feel at times like I was robbed of my ability to live a normal life through circumstance And I know it’s not fair to blame God for stuff like that, but I just am not sure what else to do with all this baggage. I have tried to let go as much as I can. I try to take care of myself and live a happy life and smile at coworkers. I feel like I deserve that much After the past few years of my life But when it is nighttime, things get bad I think of people I care about I think of the people I’ve lost And I get this awful feeling That I’ll keep losing And losing For the rest Of my life. It has been so long since I felt comfortable looking strangers in the eyes. It has been so long that I didn’t look away from people being affectionate at parties. It has been so long since I felt like someone might actually truly care about me. Can you blame me for feeling hopeless..?

[astillburningflame]

-----After the Depression-----

After I’d gotten done with my post workout shower, I went to my fridge to get the shake I’d made And also I’d been craving some peanut butter crackers Not the Austin brand, but the Nekot ones That doesn’t matter- but I relaxed a bit and had a snack Before I’d have to go up to campus again, is my point. I needed to use my hairdryer and hang my towel back up Since I hate having wet hair And I saw a caterpillar outside my bathroom door, oddly enough. I keep my bathroom window open, so it’s not actually too odd. But, in band camp my sophomore year of high school, Thomas Klein saw a caterpillar on a tree and called it a 'snuffleupagus' And I thought that was kind of weird, But Thomas Klein was kind of a weird guy- He’d lived a lot of life at his age I didn’t keep in contact with him after high school But he met someone he wanted to marry, he cleaned up, got a job I thought that was really respectable. I thought that was very mature of him actually. The caterpillar had to go, and I didn’t have it in me to kill it Cause it would become a butterfly one day, and I think butterflies are beautiful. So using a piece of foil, I scooped it up and put it out the window Hopefully some bird won’t come and scoop it up and fly off with it And if a bird did- I hope it’d go to feeding its chicks. I thought- oddly enough- about my grandmother’s passing. Things like that are weird, they change you and they never really go away And they come up at weird times. And I thought of the times when I could have gotten in a car accident, I thought of my health in general- Stuff like that makes you glad to be alive I saw two cats on my way to school, one I think was either pregnant or sick And the other was scratching its head on a dumpster I sat down and called to it- to say, “I am willing to scratch your head” But it ran towards me and then darted under a car at the last second. I don’t blame it. That’s what cats do, after all And I’m sure if I was a cat, I’d do the same. Well, I was coming up to the campus to get some work done And also some of my friends wanted to talk on Discord It is a bit late and I don’t want to stay up too long since I’ve had trouble sleeping But sometimes it’s good to let your hair down. I’m starting to realize that just as there are some things caterpillars do, And some things that cats do- There are plenty of things I do That are natural and beautiful. And that’s not to say I don’t have the capacity to do terrible things We all do. It’s part of what makes us human Some of us are bad people, but I think most of us aren’t. And I was listening to Never Meant off of the album American Football And there’s a part where Mike Kinsella says over and over- "There were some things That were said That weren't meant" And I thought of my coworker And how I stopped talking to her. I’ve thought about stuff like that And my relationship with God and with others And it took me years to get to this point, But I’ve learned sometimes it’s okay to feel conflicted. Like I said- These things change you and never really go away. I’m not confident I’ll ever be an earth shaker- a John Piper Or a Paul Washer Or even a Dustin Bates I feel as though I’m just not made for it. Regardless, I have come to love the person I have become. Caterpillars, cats, birds, dogs They all have a purpose, all of them And eventually I started to clean up I got a job I started working out again I started cooking and eating well again My professors and peers congratulated me And smiled at me And hugged me And for the first time in months- I feel like I’m living again.

[astillburningflame]

-----Looking Like Christ-----

Oh loneliness- Bitter like the whiskey I finished drinking It has really been a while, hasn’t it? No one told me guarding your heart could be so alienating. On my best days- I sometimes look like Christ I cry for animals who are suffering I try bringing heaven to this hopeless world I love my friends, And I love myself. On my best days. But today is not one of those days. Depression has consumed me today. A girl I once had feelings for- When I still felt anything other than the fear and anxiety and depression- Flirted with me last night And like the pathetic child I am I distanced myself from her I ran away, so-to-speak And like so many other days I slept in until 3pm I told myself I would be productive today But then I went and laid in bed and cried after failing to wash even one dish. I hate what depression has done to me I hate the fact that I can’t love God and His people Without this awful fucking disease To make me question every single good thing about this world To make me question every good thing about myself As I think about razor blades, warm baths, and room temperature whiskey I manage to do something other than stare at my ceiling- not for long, But long enough to numb the pain even more And then lie in bed for three more hours God almighty- I am not coping well I cried out to the great physician For my heart and its seven sorrows To wipe away the tears and snot And be by my side as everything inside me screamed to end it all I wept for how alone I really was And how little I looked like Christ This doesn’t happen often, I tell myself- I tell you But every time it does I worry more and more about the capacity in me to make stupid decisions I worry I will never accept love or happiness again. What is to be said of when you can no longer enjoy your hobbies? When you’re too depressed to find joy in the people you love? Some days, I don’t care if I survive all this But most days- there is still a lot about this earth And its people That keeps me going. No one ever told me looking like Christ Would look so lonely

[astillburningflame]

-----A Year and a Half of Silence-----

Most people don’t have good reasons to sit in their cars before going to a store For as long as I did And to be honest, I’m not sure my reasons were very good. I was tired, probably high, and probably drunk And unfortunately the drive here hadn’t killed me So it seemed I wasn’t going to get out of what I needed to do And what I needed to do was seem put together long enough. It was surreal, stumbling into the store so early in the morning The only people there were employees- Employees managing still to say “Good morning, sir” And me, being almost afraid to say back- “Hey”, “Hello” Feeling all the more out of place Every time the absurdity of this situation was normalized By a good person- not necessarily a rich or educated or powerful person, But a good person, I imagine, trying to reach out to someone who in all likelihood Was very obvious hurting And very obviously dead inside. When you did what you did- You destroyed my ability to see the best in people. I passed by some rice noodles and chose not to buy them Because it reminded me of the time I cooked you ramen Like my mother used to make Like her Chinese grandfather used to make And figuring it was best to leave the food aisle Before I was reminded of all the meals I made for you And how you made me hate cooking after you left And how few meals I’ve made for myself since then- I asked a woman walking nearby where the pots and pans were. She pointed to the other side of the store. “Thank God” I thought, as it meant I would be further away from other people As though that is a normal reaction As though it’s normal to go to a Wal-Mart at 4:50 in the morning And all you can think about when you see two employees talking to one another Is how long it has been And how strange things feel without you still. That’s how you know you’re in it bad still That, And the fact that I woke up sick after I had a dream where you kissed another man When it has been exactly a year and a half since we said goodbye forever If I was smart- rather, if I still cared I would talk to a psychiatrist. Instead I have my poems And God willing, one day- I’ll have an animal to keep me company too. I stood in front of the pots and pans for so long I only need a single pot, and a single pan for personal use And when I’d made my choice and headed to pay, I felt nothing noteworthy was accomplished… But It had been eight months since I cooked my own meal. I found excuses I ate out Or, as was the case for all of today and yesterday- I didn’t eat at all. And I thought about this as I scanned $103 worth of food and cooking supplies As I grasped the rolls of toilet paper and knew I wouldn’t have to steal more of those I felt the sausage give underneath it’s cellophane packaging and knew I’d be fed tonight I even smiled at the woman who was at the checkout help desk Eight months. Driving back, I almost wept once more I told God- “God, I fucked up” And God sounded much like a running car, But I am privy to believe he has spoken to me. I asked- with everything I was- Really wrestling with the Our Father prayer- I asked that he would not lead me into destruction I begged him to deliver me from evil For my surroundings are dark and tainted with sin Like the oppressive darkness hanging over this town right now A quiet town turns uncanny And a quaint neighborhood turns sinister And other sojourners- likely running from their own hurts, Now are possible thieves and muggers (But I would not cry if they killed me for the $8 in my wallet) I arrive at my house and set out to move everything inside As I walk quickly from my car to my house, bringing groceries I can’t help but be transported back to my mental breakdown I had sophomore year When I jumped at shadows And spit at cats “I don’t want to go back there, God” But God was asleep at this point, and so was everyone else. I put the groceries away I spent $103 on something I could tell people about And maybe no one else would ever care to hear about it But I cooked myself a warm meal I did something I could be proud of I did something I could write about. And- maybe I didn’t do much more than spend money That isn’t hard seeing as I have always been so bad with money (My father had too much, my mother had none And it would seem I’ve gotten the worst of both of their money habits) But with that said I am positive this is a good first step. I’m trying to get my life back together. When cleaning your only plastic fork with a sponge makes you feel not as fucked up; I guess you shouldn’t ask for much more. But I do need help still. Although I’ve put some chili in the crock pot to eat after I get done sleeping I doubt I will get any sleep But I’ll try- and I’ll try, and I’ll try… Here’s hoping. God- this is coming from a man Who is at best one tragedy away From driving his car into the nearest lake See your servant, God, and have mercy I know I said I shouldn’t ask for much But I don’t think I’m asking too much If you feel the same way today that you felt on that cross Then I trust you to find some way to fix all the broken things inside me.

[astillburningflame]

-----Fighting For Belief--- Once again, it is late Once again, I am lonely. My mother called me earlier today, But I only felt worse this time And talking to Kaela, I should have been happy, Since it had been so long since we talked last and she is a sister I never had. Shannon and Courtney and James all gave me hugs- And Caity told me she wanted to meet up for lunch again But I just have difficulty caring To be truthful, I want to give up. I wonder why it is that I am still so sad after all this time It gets me feeling as though there is no gravity to the hurt I carry, That perhaps I am sad because I am doing something wrong And that this crushing alienation I feel when I see other happy smiling faces Really, ultimately, holds no weight Everybody else I knew who had been broken was able to move on with their life But I still find myself trying desperately to stop the bleeding from the wounds given to me years ago And in my car and in my bed when no one else is around- I like to have conversations with people who aren’t actually there Who were never there in the first place, or never meant to be there, And in their absence managed to find ways to hurt me And each time they sit in the passenger seat Or at the foot of my bed- Their absence manages to find ways to hurt me once again And I like to play out defenses and accusations as though they might one day come around Come to say out loud- “I am sorry for what I have done To make you suffer” Out of respect for what it means to hurt deeply, and what it means to be human And out of showing common decency to people like me But for as much as I speak to these people, As much as my voice bounces off the walls and reverberates and fades into the dark emptiness- I never get a response. I don’t blame them Because after all, who would want to talk to some loser Who talks to himself? I worry, upon reviewing the evidence of last year- That I am incompatible with other human life And perhaps it is a bit reductive or extreme to say that But like all machines, even humans eventually break and fall apart And since my mental break- things have not been the same Something very bad happened to me Something I don’t even write about in poems, anymore And since then I’ve found myself not looking people in the eyes when I talk to them I’ve found myself looking at the floor when I talk to myself I’ve found myself staring at walls and ceilings as though they’re the only thing separating me And the person I used to be who didn’t have to try so hard to believe That this world is beautiful And that people are good. Things have changed. I don’t think this is just part of growing up I think this is part of growing to hate the capacity to harm in my fellow man And though I dare not say it aloud- I am beginning to believe this temple has been ransacked and set ablaze And there will never come a blessed people to rebuild the ruins of my broken heart. I’m not completely convinced That I’m not completely insane I don’t sleep as well as I used to I don’t interact with people as well as I used to I don’t show up to church as well as I used to And I sure don’t eat as well as I used to Or take care of myself as well as I used to And I don’t talk to God the way I used to But I hope that despite all this, God will find pleasure in the lifted voice of a man gone mad brought low; I don’t sing as well as I used to- I don’t play bass as well as I used to But I will do my best To sing and to play and to make those songs still mean something to me- The ones that go “It is well with my soul”, Or “I am a temple”, Or “I’m no longer a slave to fear”- And maybe if I close my eyes, And maybe if I sway like the others do, Maybe there will be something sacred in those words then Maybe my prayer will be heard Or maybe I’ll realize this world isn’t meant for people like us. I’ll realize that the rain clouds come, for people like us I’ll know what it is and why it is that men lose their faith And my faith- Being the only thing that matters to me still The only reason I keep fighting, (Or so I tell myself) I cannot bear the idea of losing this too After having already lost so much And losing it all again every night when my screams knock down the walls of my house And lord, lord- If I still even exist to you If you still even exist to me Then please Let me not fall into desolation And let me not fall into total hopelessness Mend my mind And heal my heart To be whole once more- to be well once more Is the only prayer and the only hope I can muster at this point I have been ruined, God I have been utterly crushed. I pray- I pray, Give me the strength to greet people still Give me the strength to look people in the eyes And not shrink away into social anxiety And suspicion Guard me and promise me That this mental illness won’t rob me of everything I still believe is precious about this world Save me, that I might live a virtuous life- And not fall upon my sword And leave my loved ones in this same awful situation And having conversations with me in their beds and cars I fear for my life, lord, I fear I will ultimately never be able to escape the suicidal thoughts But promise me you won’t abandon me Promise me I won’t one day have conversations with a god that isn’t actually there.

[astillburningflame]

-----A Break-----

On the Saturday that I was supposed to study with Caleb, The Saturday after the Friday that I sent those texts, The Saturday I realized it had been a year since I talked to her and we were friends no more The Saturday my best friend played his last show- The one where he screamed "Don't leave me" And where he reminded us all of Dawson who ended his life at sixteen The Saturday where I asked a young lady to come to the show About seven months since I had done that last- Seven months my last relationship lasted Ending on a Saturday over phone Pleading, short of screaming- "Don't leave me" Finding new people to place hope in Pleading with them to stay by my side Losing everything I had Somehow finding it in me, seven months after seven months To say goodbye to someone I cared about The Friday before this Saturday To say goodbye to someone I loved. To say goodbye To attempting to grow a garden And empty hopes for friendships Saturday, this Saturday, even- My ears were ringing from standing next to the amplifier My best friend had played his set, it was time to go It has been many months since I have walked with someone by my side like this If even if it was just to our cars. I felt like you were looking out for me Like I could be safe with you by my side But I don't know I'm probably a psychopath Or worse, a man who wants to be wanted God forgive me for this. On the Saturday that you brushed your arm against mine when you stood next to me On the Saturday that I hugged you and held you And we let the hug linger and we swayed It did something to me, I'm unsure what But I smiled in a way I hadn't smiled in almost a year And I felt a confidence so mild almost to be imperceptible Suggesting maybe it would be worthwhile to ask you to more events like these That maybe God wasn't actually content with my plans of giving up hope entirely And maybe this might not be yet another waste of time And yet another waste of the small amounts of energy I have left A time not too much later, no longer Saturday But still in the dark of Sunday morning I was walking to my car, this time without you Sick, tired, and lonely Unlocking the car startled a white cat that had been sleeping underneath Trying to find relief from the rain and the biting cold It dashed into the darkness And I meaning it no harm, begged its forgiveness and accepted its departure But in the brief moment in time before acceptance when I felt an urge to care for the cat And bring it into the warmth of my house I thought of you. I thought of me, And I thought of the one that came before you And I thought of losing everything I had And I wanted to scream, to everything this cat represented to me, "Don't leave me" But I can no longer be hopeful about these things Cause of all the people in my past that make my faith in God's providence waver So I will hang from a thread, Pulled between hopeless defeat And unending yearning And I hope somewhere in the midst of all that You will see me as a man who is doing the best he can With the world against him

[astillburningflame]

-----To My Grandmother-----

South Carolina, South Carolina- Many memories were made Between the pine trees and the sandy loam And up the hill upon which rested the house Where my grandmother found her final rest I remember drawing lines in the sand And lying down on the grass looking to the sky Back when I was still happy, and still little And the future wasn’t already a decade in the past now And the worst I’d ever hurt was the times my dad made me feel unloved Feeling the sand outside of the house under my shoes, Hearing the screen door shut and smelling the house and my uncle’s scent It brings me back from better days To solemn faces To piling dishes To dirty clothes And I sit down in the living room that hasn’t been changed in over a decade Since my great-grandmother died and with her a part of my grandmother Having lost both her mother and her husband And her health now leaving her It was cancer- More specifically, it was the kind of cancer That gives a person less than a month between the diagnosis And lying on their death bed Eyes glazed over and peering through me Peering into some better future Far away from the internal bleeding and the lupus and the morphine drip And in the arms of her savior With grandpa Butch standing nearby, looking at her- As though- They’d just met for the first time again Meeting for the first time on the other side of eternity The nurses told us That she asked every day for weeks when she would see her grandchildren Weeks quickly became brief moments of lucidity, I imagine As the cancer destroyed her mind and body And now, here I was, sitting across from her Holding her hand And asking for her blessing Because she and I were the only Jacksons left Who still maintained that God was the best thing to ever happen to this world And for the first time in my life I understood the ending to East of Eden And in tears I asked her to pray that I would be a God fearing man like grandpa Butch Who knew Christ and quit drinking and lived the rest of the days of his life devoted to the lord And she slipped back into whatever place she found herself in, all the more often As time ran out Time was indeed running out And she looked at me- this time, looking me in the eyes And it was different from all the times she looked past me and past this reality She looked at me and said simply- “Joey, To live is to know Christ… You know this” And not too long afterwards, I left And she passed later that night. At the funeral, there were many people that remembered me from over two decades ago The pastor and I spoke briefly, and he also gave me his blessing And as the reality set in that my grandmother was not just dead- But would die again every time I remembered her from that moment on I cried for all the conversations And memories that would never happen again And the pastor talked about the hope we have in Christ And what a sweet woman you were And from behind the nearby fence came three dogs Two white ones and a black one leading the others Before they turned, panting, wagging- to the right and out of sight Punctuating the reading of Psalm 23 on the pastor’s part The very same psalm I wanted to read you before you passed, Because I knew your eyes weren’t as good anymore And I knew it would have meant the world to you Because the word was one of the few things you had left in this world But I couldn’t because it was too painful then And it was too painful now And I wept And my father stayed strong And my uncle stared at the ground But we drove off, all in all, spending less than half an hour at the grave And my father called my great aunt Vivian letting her know she took a wrong turn Pulled over on the side of the road Watched by a state trooper I saw two roosters pecking at the ground And I thanked God for every blessing big and small I have been given in this world And I thanked God for having had a chance to know the people I’ve loved and lost in this world I took time to process the emotions And I drank a bit- but not so much that I no longer felt what I needed to feel But I magnified the emotion and began the never-ending work we all undertake That is- Binding up the brokenness, and dressing the wounds With God by our side And memories that hug us and hold us Like how we once were hugged and held as children I wish you could see me now, grandma I remember what you told me- To live is to know Christ And I know also The book does not end with Malachi, The book does not end with Malachi.

[astillburningflame]

-----Grace and Anxiety-----

These worries They keep me company At all hours of the day Every minute of the night It doesn’t matter where they find me- Be it the bedroom, the library, the workplace, the classroom, or even the tree outside my house Because they will find me And they follow me about like wolves Snarling, ravenous And distinctly feral in their disregard for my human dignity At twenty two years of age- I am anxious about fatherhood About being a good husband Anxious about dying alone Or worse- surrounded by people That do not care Matters that should not be at the forefront of my worries Instead are a constant To ease my mind- I try to reach out; Much like how Adam reached out, Much like how Christ held the fish and the bread with outstretched hands Symbols of both offering and receiving To anyone who would receive me as a friend To anyone who would offer me the time of day To break up the stream of anxiety- The worries that I’ll be diagnosed with cancer Or that my wife whose name I don’t know will divorce me Or that my children whose faces I don’t know will never want to see me These worries- they are killing me And I don’t remember it always being this way I know I was no child of summer Whose happiness was certain as the cicadas and the muggy afternoon air But being a child of the fall I suppose it could only be expected that things would fall apart sooner or later Reaching out- once again, to God above Praying that things fall into place Praying somehow I find myself in God’s good graces and these worries remain only worries And never a reality And praying, with everything I am; That God would be so merciful as to not utterly crush me That I would cross that finish line And that it would never get so bad that I would end the life I have only now learned to love Because when I- being a child of the fall, was called; It was a gentle voice that promised to prosper me and lead me not into oblivion And if those promises were not true Then what the hell have I been fighting for these past eight years? What kind of God was it that I cried out to all last year, When everything fell apart? What was the point of this suffering, If not to point the wounded souls of this wounded world to the great redeemer? Sitting here in my plane ride, Twenty-something-thousand feet above the ground Houses and cars glimmer like stars out of place And behind each door and each wheel is an individual soul With a life as rich and complex as mine With hurts and joys and mountains and valleys as low and high and real and raw as mine And the sensation doesn’t linger but as I close my eyes I can imagine Christ hung on a cross looking over Jerusalem Seeing a world worth dying for Seeing all the demons and vices that torment and distract us Seeing the weeping drunk vomiting into a toilet bowl praying for an escape Seeing the junkie in the throes of withdrawal, shivering by a fire and wondering what the fuck happened Seeing the bulimic who hated herself all the more for how little control she had over her life Seeing the girl who threw herself at any guy that could make her forget that daddy wasn’t coming back And though he commanded the armies of heaven He still hung on that cross To glorify the God I have come to know and love these past eight years But also for the sake of a world as fucked up and broken as ours So that it could be on earth as it is in heaven And so it goes for the minds as fucked up and broken as mine The ones terrorized by the uncertainty of it all These too, Christ came to redeem. Though I know not your ways, oh God- I can hope, still; That it will get better Perhaps in this life Perhaps in the next But I do not serve a cruel and callous king that would see to it that I suffered all the days of my life I serve a tender man that would see me on my bad days- The days where I slam half a bottle of whiskey and can’t even see straight, The days where I smoke so much that even the constant anxieties and voices go silent The days where I can’t even get out of bed because I am so fucking depressed The days where I would skip class and work and just weep and wish it was all over And he would see this- All of it; And still, Despite it- He would see something in me Worth dying for.

[astillburningflame]

—–To John—–

I thought of you this weekend It’s been a while since we talked, And I hope in whatever existence you found yourself in I hope you were finally able to find peace. I miss you. I really do. I wish often that you hadn’t done what you did You had a way of pushing me to be my best We’re coming up on two years soon here Rather, I’m coming up on two years I wish you could have been around to give me more advice See me graduate. I wanted to tell you that I’ve been taking care of myself I was finally able to beat my depression And I feel that I am genuinely blessing most of the people around me It finally got better for me And god damn it Why didn’t you believe me when I told you it would get better for you? I’m down here trying to pick up the pieces And you are nowhere to be seen. Every time I hear Caleb talk about his time in the military, It reminds me a lot of you It reminds me of how one of my best friends was robbed from me And it isn’t fair. I miss you man, I really do. I feel it’s a bit hypocritical to be upset with you for what you did But I came to love you I still feel so numb about this The finality of it is a bit too much at times And I am so scared that my other friends will be taken from me And I am so scared that my wife will leave me And I am so scared that my children will hate me And I am so scared that I will do to my loved ones what you did to me as a result of it all I wish I could go back To when you were still here It would make nights like tonight so much easier But on nights like tonight; I wish it could have been me instead.