atthemercyofnonebutmyself

[atthemercyofnonebutmyself]

Aaaaah, my heart! This made my day so much better already, I love it!

made a tiny picture book for class. i wanted to challenge the idea that girls loving other girls is somehow adult/inappropriate

[atthemercyofnonebutmyself]

The only thing making me happy are those little marshmallows from Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs: 2

You know

These fellas

[atthemercyofnonebutmyself]

A reflection

Hello again, guys, not a poem though I promise I will start writing and posting poetry again soon

This is going to be a reflection on recent events. Something that has resonated with me, some things I’ve learned essentially.

I’ve come to the realization that the relationship I was in simply isn’t going to work out, it’s not his fault and yet I can’t go blaming myself either, as that would also be dishonest. If there is one thing I learned recently from TSOA that has now translated into my own life, it’s that we can only do so much to delay the inevitable, but we can never stop it fully.

For example:

One can eat healthy, exercise, drink plenty of water and stay away from drugs and alcohol to perhaps lengthen their life, but they can never fully stop death.

I’ve come to the realization that, though our relationship didn’t last exceptionally long, it simply isn’t meant to be, whether it be the wrong person entirely or the right person at the wrong time, it simply isn’t meant to be.

Instead of trying to spare him hurt now, I’m going to do what’s right for the both of us, and spare him and myself more hurt later. I need to do what makes me happy, that is the most importsnt thing of all. Figure that out, and everything else will fall into place.

So I’m going to focus on that. I’m going to focus on me, and being happy with me, doing things I love, being with friends, this is my time.

[atthemercyofnonebutmyself]

[atthemercyofnonebutmyself]

How am I supposed to feel

Knowing that I’m falling away from what we were

All we are is a hollow shell, your soul is trying to cling on

I can’t tether you here anymore

What am I supposed to do

When I’m afraid that you aren’t the one

When I’m afraid that maybe you are

Either way, I must let you go, for both of us

What am I supposed to do

When I know you’re not my one

But I know I might be yours

The odds are stacked against us

And everything from me has faded

I will not tether you any longer

So therefore I am letting you go.

[atthemercyofnonebutmyself]

Is there a way to make it stop?

To end the cycle of pain and torment I go through?

I’m tired..

I wish to rest..

My feet are aching, my legs weak..

Though I have not traveled far, I need to rest

I’m exhausted, and there is no rest in sight.

[atthemercyofnonebutmyself]

How do you escape your own mind?

It screeches in the night like a blood thirsty monster

It chases me down a never ending labyrinth of thoughts

Poisoning me with every step I take

But alas I do not know how to break free from its chains

Imagine a cage you can’t leave

Something inside of you wants to break free

But it can’t

It’s stuck

Chained to the earth like an animal

Freedom is not something I deserve, apparently

Just let me go

[atthemercyofnonebutmyself]

The silence is deafening

But I don’t have it within me to make noise

The screaming is within my mind and soul

And I do not know how to get it out

I choke on the words but am crushed by the silence

I can not find an escape

[atthemercyofnonebutmyself]

‼️Not a poetry post (again)‼️

So this is going to be a rant. Because I’m angry about this and where better to share it.

We are in the middle of a pandemic, cases in America are rising every day, people are dying every day. Yet despite all of this my family decided to hire cleaning ladies.

I despise the fact that they did that in general but even more so in the middle of a situation such as the one we are witnessing. However to make the situation worse, one of them had a bad cough, and while she is a smoker, this was not a smoker’s cough.

So my family is essentially putting the health of my other relatives and I at risk, just because they don’t want to clean the house themselves. The house smells of cigarette smoke when they leave, and obviously there’s the high risk of COVID. My family has not failed to infuriate me with their blatant disregard for the health and safety of others throughout this whole experience. My father has commented on her cough and yet does not seem to care about the fact that we could transmit the disease to people like my mother or grandparents, who would die if they caught it.

The blatant disregard for public health has me fuming. How DARE they. Their indifference is costing people’s lives. I could lose the only family I have left because of their ignorance. I’m so angry that I can’t even formulate the proper words to express it. I plan to spray Lysol around my room and bathroom, though I doubt that would do much at this point. I am disgusted and enraged at the actions of my family, to the point where I wonder how I haven’t broken something.

This post can not even begin to describe how I feel, but I’m sure that you all will understand where I am coming from.

[atthemercyofnonebutmyself]

‼️Not a poetry post‼️

(Swear warning)

This is simply a rant, since I have nowhere else to post this and really have to talk about this. If you are sensitive to topics such as transphobia I suggest you ignore this post, thank you.

I’m trans. My father is transphobic.

My boyfriend is trans. His father is transphobic.

My father will not allow me to hang out with my boyfriend until “he can be himself” and refers to them as “she/her” so on so forth, and with the amount of times I have corrected him on his pronouns it is extraordinarily inconsiderate. But since when did I believe I could expect more. Since when did I believe that my father, the one who doesn’t even respect my own pronouns, would learn to at least respect other people’s pronouns. I am sick and tired of this. I correct, he denies and belittles. He wants me to back down but I refuse. I will never back down, I love my boyfriend with all of my God damn being and I will stand up for him. I WILL. You can disrespect my pronouns, you can say anything you fucking want to me but damn it leave him out of this. Give him the human fucking decency he deserves. He already puts up with enough shit at home and for you to say I’m not allowed to see him? What the actual FUCK. He is not “confused” he is a man. He is not a female. Get that into your mind. I will not stop saying this, you bring the flames and I will go through hell and back for him. I’ve already gone through hell for myself, I’ll do it again for him. I would do anything for him, the only thing you do is for yourself. Anything to make yourself look better. I am sick and tired of it, and you will know. This is not a fucking game, I am not a fucking child. I live in the same world you do but I know a different struggle. You’ve never had to go through correcting a teacher on your pronouns in front of the whole class, you’ve never had to question yourself for the clothes you wear. You’ve never had to go through a seemingly never ending battle of “who am I” (JeAn VaLjEaN) just to come to a brick wall for an answer every time. You have never had to have courage. You have never had to fear for your life because of your identity. You’ve never had to feel the shame. But we have, and god damn it he is all the stronger for it. I strive to have the amount of courage, strength, perseverance, creativity, humor, kindness that my boyfriend has, but alas I am not one capable of many of those things. So all I can do is stand my ground, and stand up for him. And God damn it that is what I will do until I breathe my very last breath. I am tired of backing down. This is my life. My story. I am not a docile sheep that can simply be directed with the herd without protest. I will bite back. I will not move. No matter what you do. I am a fighter, always have been, always will be. And fighters stand their ground.

[atthemercyofnonebutmyself]

Fun fact: I’m autistic I’m gonna do a thing inspired by another person

Reblog if your blog is safe for autistic people or is ran by an autistic person!

oh and

Reblog if you stand against Autism Speaks!

[atthemercyofnonebutmyself]

Birthday

It’s quite a painful thing

When no one remembers the date

You’ve told them countless times

But they forget all the same

Your own family barely acknowledges the date

No cake no gifts no nothing

Only empty words spoken only once

As if it’s supposed to mean something

So now you’ve grown to hate that day

And dread the moment it arrives

What’s one more year, you think to yourself

It’s one year less to die

So no one remembers your special day

Now it’s not so special anymore

They could care less of you were to rot and decay

You’re not so special anymore

[atthemercyofnonebutmyself]

As the dawn never seems to arrive

I watch the night with bleary eyes

Tear at the flesh, break the bone

An eye for an eye, a soul for a soul

Should I die before tomorrow’s glory

I pray that through another’s eyes I would see

The morning break across the rooftops

The wind rising high and oceans stormy

And as the life drips from my veins

Into the sink and down the drain

I pray that through another’s eyes I will see

The glory that I was supposed to be

[atthemercyofnonebutmyself]

Do you know the feeling of losing touch

With someone you used to talk to for hours?

You can tell they’re pulling away

They’re pulling away from you just like everyone else has

But what if it’s you who’s pushing everyone else away?

Would you realize? Would you make the mistake knowingly?

Or is it something you would do without thinking

You naturally push people away after a while

You can never be around people for long

You can never have a lifelong friend

You are nothing to everyone

You drive people away whether you know it or not

They may promise to stay but you know very well no one does

Everyone will leave eventually

You can never manage to keep friends

So maybe you should stop trying to make them?

Mario trying to tether your companions down

Out of fear of being alone

You are deadweight at their feet

Pulling them down into an abyss before they drown

You are dangerous

You are a raging storm

You push people away whether you know it or not

Why do you do this?

[atthemercyofnonebutmyself]

You

Have you ever longed for a life that was not your own

A hatred for living but no wish for death just yet

Have you ever despised everything about yourself to the point where you want to rip your skin off with your claws

Scream at the sky, teeth bared until your throat bled

Have you ever envied another person simply because they’re not you

And you aren’t quite sure what it is you hate so strongly about yourself

All you know is that it is an all consuming desire to be someone other than yourself

For the person that you are to have never been born

To have been born in a different body, with a different family, a different mind,

Anything different from what you know now

But if you were granted that wish, wouldn’t you hate that body just as much?

It’s not just your appearance that disgusts you, no...

No it’s you that disgusts you

And there is no getting around that fact, you are stuck in your prison of flesh and bone

Some may love with the passion of every star in the universe combined

Besotted with life itself and everything in it

But you...

You hate twice as eagerly, ardently

[atthemercyofnonebutmyself]

A Pondering

Why do we spend so much of our energy on trivial things?

What possible gifts could the future ever bring?

We waste our time on idiotic dreams

But what for, I ask, what for?

The past is unchanging, that is a fact

But why do we have such a strong urge to go back?

To a time that is no longer ours yet still we keep track

But what for, I ask, what for?

Our lives slip away from us wit every day

Yet you’ll never get more time no matter how hard you pray

“It can’t be, it was over to quickly” most will say

But what for, I ask, what for?

Time is a curse of which we take for granted

Wanting our seeds to grow just after they’ve been planted

But alas, my view is slightly slanted

But what for, I ask, what for?

Why do we long for our wasteful future

Our petty dreams make one fine of a suitor

But what is it for

I beg, I shout, I scream, I cry out for an answer

What are we doing this for?!

[atthemercyofnonebutmyself]

Periwinkle

The periwinkle skies seem to strike a sense of nostalgia into me that reaches my very bones

What is this memory it speaks of? Have I been here before?

Alas I do not recall but it screams at me that this is a home of mine

Former, perhaps, maybe one I’ve seen in a dream?

I’ve not a clue, but I will welcome any sense of familiarity in this cold strange place.

Return to me, warmth of safety, I wish to retreat to my mother’s arms.

Take me home, for I have no idea where I am or where to go.