aubrianamaria

[aubrianamaria]

I just need to scream this internally so don’t mind me.

I’m ready now. I want to get engaged now. I want to be married now. I’m sick of waiting. I’m sick of hearing so many reasons why we can’t. I’m sick of other priorities having to happen before getting engaged. I want my life to continue. I want to live together. I want to have sex. I want to spend our lives together. I’m trying so hard to find other things to do in my life. My job is just a job and it’s not something I will throw myself into. My hobbies are limited to watch tv and playing games on my phone. I have a total of 2 friends to spend time with. I’m trying to get on board with this streaming thing as a distraction. I feel like at this point, everything is a distraction. I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I’m confused. I’m hurt. I don’t know what to do.

The reality is, this has always been a deal breaker for me. And I have tried so hard to align myself with his ways. At what point do I have to face reality and move on? I don’t think I physically can do that without falling apart. I can’t imagine being with anyone else and I don’t want to. I want him more than anything in this world. But I also have to consider my other priorities. This is important to me. I dream about getting engaged in December, Christmas time. I dream about getting engaged on our two year anniversary (cue him having a heart attack cause his reaction always has to be dramatic and never sensitive). I dream about getting engaged for New Years. I mean I think about getting engaged all the time. I think I need it to be sometime by the end of 2020. I know it’s weird to put a deadline on it, but the reality is, I’m ready now and if after 3 years of dating he’s not ready? Then who knows if he ever will be. At that point I just can’t wait any longer and I hate the thought of that. I dunno I’m sure I’ll be fine in a couple days and get over it again. I just get sick of waiting when I’m ready NOW.

I need my hormones to chill a lil, I’m far too emotional rn.

[aubrianamaria]

God Speaks when He’s Ready

I’ve struggled so much in my life trying to connect with God and to understand what he wants for me. It wasn’t until I started praying all the time throughout my day that I realized that he was talking back to me.

He pushes me to do the things I don’t want to do. There are times when I’ve ignored him, disobeyed him, or even told myself “oh it’s probably not god telling me to do that” just because I didn’t want to do something.

I’m realizing that god speaks to me constantly, but I so often don’t actually want to hear it. Do I want god to tell me what to have for lunch? Yeah! Do I want him to tell me to take the time to pick up some food for the homeless man outside the restaurant? Well I’m a little less excited about that.... (I’m horrible btw)

I’m happy to know when god asks me to do something, he will be watching over me while I do it. He knows what is best a lot better than I do. My goal is to follow what he gives me as best as I can and I know that he will protect me along the way.

[aubrianamaria]

Getting my life back together. What’s different this time?

I’ve been struggling lately. I’m not clear on what my future looks like, what I’m currently doing with my life, what my goals, passions, or dreams are. It started affecting so much of my daily life. I felt unhappy at my job, angry with the people closest to me, and ashamed of myself for having problems like these so often. 

But one day, on a Sunday, I cleaned my house. I cleaned it all and felt extremely more open and happy. Having a clean space really allows me to fully relax, be happy, and think clearly. I started taking everyday as a challenge to be good and have a good day. I started taking my medications on time, I scheduled appointments, I went to work instead of calling in sick, and I even showered like a lot. 

I felt extremely good. I decided that on my morning shuttle, instead of watching netflix or playing games on my phone, I was gonna read. I had been wanting to read for a while but I kept forgetting before leaving my house. I finally remembered and was able to read this morning on my shuttle. 

Let me tell you, God works in incredible ways. Let’s jump back a few weeks just for a quick second.

Boyfriend and I had been having some trouble lately. Or well, I guess it was me that was having the trouble. I have dreamed of getting married. Boyfriend didn’t plan on getting married until he was older. We have always thought differently on the matter but for a while, it wasn’t worth bringing up. Now, we’ve been together almost 2 years and we haven’t really had a real discussion on it. I tease him asking when he will propose and he will kind of brush it off. I started to get upset a few weeks ago and have been struggling with him not wanting to get married yet and not being sure of when the time will come. Even at this point we still are unclear.

So I’m on the shuttle, I open up my She Reads Truth book and begin to read a chapter dedicated to permanence and living in a temporary world. It was so incredibly relatable that I was inspired and started to write in the notes section of my phone what I was feeling. Here’s what I wrote:

My whole life has been temporary. Temporary homes, temporary schools, temporary friends. My parents had temporary jobs. Everything was temporary, except for family. Family never changed. The love we shared never changed.

At my current age of 23, permanence is unattainable in my mind. Jobs don’t last, homes don’t last, location, friends, relationships, nothing lasts. Except family. When I started dating, I craved permanence. The feeling that the person I was with would never leave. I guess It was worth putting up with abuse as long as he made me think he was sticking around. But I always felt deep down that unless they were family, the were temporary. Doesn’t matter the intent, doesn’t matter how long you are with them, doesn’t matter how deeply in love you are, its all temporary. I lived in perfect situations growing up with a wonderful family, beautiful homes, amazing schools, and incredible friends I never thought I would lose. Even in those moments, it was still all temporary.

To me, marriage represents permanence. It represents someone becoming family. It represents someone that is constant thorough all the temporary moments ahead.

I suppose going into a marriage with that as a key reason isn’t the best move. So how do I combat this feeling? How do I trust things to stay the same? Every moment I fear of losing something in my life. I fear things not lasting, or things changing. Naturally I want to have control of everything. I want to plan out my future so that I can make sure nothing changes or disappears.

Is this a problem? My thinking? I’m not completely sure. But understanding how my brain works feels incredible in this moment. That’s the first step I guess.

That was a big moment for me, writing all that down. I remembered how good it feels to write out my thoughts. I decided, I’m gonna try writing. It’s never been my strong suit professionally so I’ll just keep it as a hobby for now and see if I keep it up. This time needs to be different. Here goes nothing.