audreyvm

[audreyvm]

Hindi ko alam kung pinapangunahan lang ako ng takot, pero hindi ko gusto ang nararamdaman ko. I feel so paranoid. With what I saw tonight, I know I have the reason to be paranoid. Something’s not right, but I can’t point it out just yet.

You became distant. We became distant.

Hindi ko alam, ewan ba. Ang bigat sa feeling. Iiiyak ko na ba? Pagod na mga mata ko. I just need to let these out.

I guess I never reallt saw this side of you and it took me by surprise, and left me in a really strange place.

I hope I’m wrong, or else everything falls.

/ Day 1

[audreyvm]

Hindi ko na alam.

Nakakasawa, pagod na’ko. It is such a repeatitive cycle. So much hatred, anger, and disappointment in this home. It’s an emotional torture.

[audreyvm]

Tired. Tired. Tired.

Exhausted.

Drained.

[audreyvm]

“You said you want to reach your dreams.”

“What are you doing about it?”

[audreyvm]

It’s 2 AM; a playlist that reminds me of everything about you is playing on my phone. My room is dark and I’ve got sad thoughts to accompany. I looked for the recent letter you gave me, and I read it. I don’t why I even bothered to find and read it again, knowing it would just make me cry. I don’t know. I do know I’m sad, it’s been a downward spiral these couple of days. I really miss you. The bed feels so empty. I just want you beside me. I wanna feel you, I want your arms around me. I just want you, in the most non-sexual way. I just you, the raw and lovely you, my love.

[audreyvm]

Will I be better off living on my own? Will I even survive?

[audreyvm]

You're laughing and suddenly it hits you, out of nowhere, as usual.

Guess what? Not tonight. Not tonight.

[audreyvm]

Late night slash early morning sad thoughts, here we go again.

[audreyvm]

"You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

— Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, 1952

[audreyvm]

Don't you just hate it when emotions hit you like a big wave? Suddenly, you're back to that feeling of loneliness. You catch yourself crying. Everything turns into chaos. Once again, you're lost. It's black, pitch black. You don't know if you still wanna keep on going.

[audreyvm]

I was reading a letter you gave and it left me to tears. The best letters are handwritten and have genuine emotions in them. Thank you, my love.

[audreyvm]

Le Roux Graduation Ceremony 2017-09-23, The Cube, 19.00

[audreyvm]

[audreyvm]

Words fucking hurt, they inflict so much pain and burrow deep in the heart. I hope you know how much your words hurt. I hope you know every time you open your mouth, you damage him emotionally. You're not trying to make us better persons, you're trying to make us into robots you can control. He's a kid for fuck's sake. He can be irresponsible. He is stressed and pressured already, stop making him feel more so. Stop taunting him to leave this house. Because he just might, and I'm gonna go with him.

Just, stop.

[audreyvm]

If both of your kids have thought and planned of taking their own lives, then maybe you are not handling them well and something is wrong on how you're treating them.

Dear parents, congrats on making your children suicidal just because you keep on pushing your decisions on us.

[audreyvm]

As I watched you walk to the car and leave for home, tears came out. Suddenly, I was crying alone in a fucking coffee shop. It hurt. It hurts to see you leave, when we could be going home together. It hurts that I can't be with you, because they couldn't accept me, accept us. It hurts that you'll be going away soon and we'll be separated miles away. It hurts to not spend more time with you as much as I want to.

[audreyvm]

Finally, I got to see you my love. After seventeen days, that was a long wait for us. You accompanied me with PRC errands and we relaxed at a coffee shop after. Instead of going home with our friend to Pampanga right away, you stayed with me. You risked going home late just to spend a few more hours with me, which turned out to be a 5 hour travel from Makati to Pampanga. I wish we could have more chill nights like this one. Rather than going home separately, I hope someday we’ll be coming home together.

I missed you, my love.

2017-08-15, 17.30, Starbucks Magallanes