authentexpression

[authentexpression]

Not Until I dove into the darkness of my life and the shadows of my pain, have I felt serenity at the depth of my soul

Authentexpression- My Spilled Ink

[authentexpression]

#Love #relationships #Authentexpression #myspilledink #thoughts #mywords #healing

[authentexpression]

Our inner child and innocent souls have been trapped in our adult bodies and minds that have not spoken to each other for almost 9 years now. Yes, this post is for you. I’ve known you since I was probably 3 years old. I woke up to this life knowing you, playing with you and dancing with you. I remember so many beautiful memories that I wish I can go back to. I remember our small town adventures, how we and the kids of the building went for a picnic without telling our parents. It was fun dancing together during Christmas and New Year’s celebrations, blowing up every floor’s bin in our building with fireworks and fighting over a toy motorcycle. I even remember how I pretended several times that I was sick to come back early from kindergarten and play with you. 

After 20 years of meeting you again and having you back in my life, I mourn those memories because you have chosen to become a different person. All I have left of you is your wounding Words. Words, what power they hold. You pronounced your words with malicious criticism and destructive judgement that left me speechless. Speechless that I was choking back tears. It was your  storm that hit and shattered my inner child into pieces. The rough edges and soft pieces of my inner child and soul scattered all over the place just like the beautiful and ancient Palmyra ruins of Syria. Yes, I still have the carved wall art of the ancient city of Palmyra that gave me. You have left me with a wounded child inside my soul. Your toxic storm killed a beautiful part of my childhood. My inner child died slowly and what remains are scars in between the ruins.Your words were rooted in my psyche that I blamed myself for years, and truly believed I was not giving you the love you have ever wanted. 

You called yourself a romantic man who is looking for love and wanted to marry his childhood friend and sweet heart. The sweet talker, the feminist and the passionate man you pretended to be was nothing but a facade. You are the kind of sweet talker that could  sell chalk as water purification chemical or sand to the Arabs. All those years, I was running away from myself trying to  put a band-aid on my wounds and trying to restore the the Greco-Roman columns of my soul with a glue instead of having self-reflection. Many years after, the grass grew in between the ruins of my soul. Only now, I can see your reality. You grew up to be a self-centered man who uses women to get where you want to get in life. You seem to play the marriage card with any woman whom you could use and depend on. Love means nothing for you unless you can find something that you could gain from it.  You believe you are the sun and love should revolve around you. You try so hard to use your charm to overwhelm your target who is usually innocent, well off and gullible. That innocent boy I used to know died long time ago. I don’t know why and how but all I know is  I miss my best friend and he will never come back. I know he’s gone and disappeared in you. The love I had for my best friend is now full of melancholy and dismay. Now I know you left because I did not accept to be used any further. You blamed me for it and you called me ugly names. You said we were different and you had your reasons for leaving and now I know your reasons. Yes we are different. I chose to be none of what you were looking for. 

I still choose to be with a man who is a thinker and comfortable in their mind. Someone as a rock but are big bears who are solid on Earth and who got my back emotionally without abusive and destructive criticism with the threat of leaving. I do not want a baby or a boy who stands in front of other men and proudly announce that his bills and dreams of moving to where he wants to live are entirely achieved by the woman he used and pretended to love. This is nothing but a narcissistic abuse of love and kindness. You broke me and I remade me after many years of doubting myself. The restoration of the columns of my soul took several years. I look at my scars now and I’m proud to say they are battle wounds. I had to battle the ugly feelings you have left me with to remake and shape my soul again. I truly feel sympathy for your next victim. But I refuse to be her. 

[authentexpression]

We are like a snow FLAKE all different in our own beautiful way

[authentexpression]

if you cannot forgive, then don’t. you do not owe pain anything, you only owe yourself peace.

by shelby leigh (via nothingwithoutwords)

She was not promised a heartache and neither was she promised to be onion peeled with your criticism. Your contact bruised her soul and intoxicated her innocent childhood memories with your poison. She was a fool for trusting you and letting you come closer. She did not know that somethings may appear beautiful as a moon with a silver lining from a distance could be as hurtful as you were. Distance blurs the hideous. She let you come closer and closer thinking the moon was you. She only knew that innocent little boy who never parted her when she was a little girl. Your mask quickly fell off showing her your dark, cruel and vile side. She realized the people who are quick to walk away are the ones who never intended to stay. The money draining opportunistic male you are blamed everything on her as soon as you realized you won’t be able to use her to achieve your dreams. Calling your childhood friend a robot and materialistic was an escape for you without taking in regard how shattered she will be when she sees the truth about you. That is why they say love is sometimes associated with melancholy. She has been mourning her innocent childhood friend for years because he does does not exist anymore. You are not that kind innocent boy that danced with her at New Year’s celebrations and whom used to wait for her to play after school.   Your insincere words asking your childhood friend and ex-girlfriend to forgive you was nothing more than to cleanse yourself and and make yourself feel better about the pain and the soul bruises you have caused her. Those scars turned to battered, old skin, peeling like a sunburn. She moved on with her life only to realize that you can never be someone who can be loyal to anyone even if she was your childhood friend. You are loyal to your needs and once your needs change, you are no longer loyal to that person. You think love is self-serving only. You pretend to be a free feminist man when You actually want a woman that agrees with you on everything to serve your dreams. She is much better off without your poisonous judging and criticizing her soul. However, forgiving you is another story. She can feel your lack of of sincerity in that email and it was not coming from your heart. You probably have sent it to many more people as it had no disclosed recipients and it was also sent to her sister. Therefore she is not able to forgive you. she does not owe you and the wounds you have caused, forgiveness. But she owes herself to grow anew from this pit with her scars showing her beautiful imperfections.