aves-rhea

[aves-rhea]

oh jesus this is so wrong

oh god this isn’t right

when the person i want to be

would make anyone,

even my own community,

ashamed.

and can this even be considered

an expression of myself

or just a dirty, dirty sin

that needs to be wiped away?

[aves-rhea]

on nights like this

i perform selfish acts;

the audience myself.

on returning days

i remember

nights like that

with an awfully horrid fondness.

and for my last trick

on this last night show

i’ll give up on my body

and vomit my life’s worries away

in bedsheets of terror.

[aves-rhea]

who’s in a name

and why are they

trapped in a box,

trying to reason,

trying to overcome,

and trying to understand.

[aves-rhea]

she tells me not to repeat history

but i do it anyway.

i’m so stupid

for doing it anyway.

and i eventually tell her

that it’s alright

but i wonder if she can hear me

over all the harm i’ve caused.

[aves-rhea]

these tissues

bring issues

of sin and lust.

for the stains of my tears

trail down further and further

into unspeakable places.

if i dare look down upon myself-

memories of painful, violent shame

are to follow.

why is this normal?

is this normal?

i don’t think

this is normal.

thus, when my gently soaked tears

finally reek of blood,

i need you to slowly

forget

who

i

am.

because i already have.

[aves-rhea]

ringing, oh ringing, for miles and miles

the stare of a thousand blank dead faces

beckons the thought of a thousand philosophers

with brute force and determination i spake

you cannot pry my body off

of this wretched wet surface

i will die being held by myself

before i let the devil take it

[aves-rhea]

broken down

time after time

like a cuckoo clock

stuck on the struck

of 12

[aves-rhea]

staring and wondering

when i can breathe again

when will it be normal

to function again

[aves-rhea]

fail and

fail

and fail

all over

again

[aves-rhea]

she loved your smile and

she loved it when you smiled

[aves-rhea]

why is it always the end?

why can’t i focus on the good?

why is it impossible,

to explain-

i wish i could.

[aves-rhea]

“et cum meus ultimus halatio,

mors est solum delectionem ego feci.”

[aves-rhea]

to whom it may concern,

i’ve learned you inside and out.

and while that might seem rather stern-

i’m human, oh please; i have no doubt.

[aves-rhea]

if undescriptive

paints a picture

and descriptive

destroys a picture

what would become of the picture

if there were no words left?

[aves-rhea]

greed is thy dirtiest sin

for which you cannot repent

giving is too late, i’m afraid

for the damage you have unruly sent

[aves-rhea]

and i was your favorite

until i was not

[aves-rhea]

in this desolate room

i’ve found myself caught in the middle

of destruction and massacre

after half a century

he finally turns to me, expectingly.

looks in my eyes

praying for a glimpse of the glue

that held us together

but when he can’t find it

his preposition?

to make it himself.

and i want to refuse.

but

my head is filled with only misery

and my heart full of coal

and i need to get back what they stole

from her.