awkwardanxiousamy-blog

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R U OK?

Today is R U OK day. Am I ok? No. Did anyone ask me today if I am ok? No.

Probably because I didnt leave the house and have like no friends. I quit my job a few weeks ago because I couldn’t deal with it anymore, I got turned down for a job I went for an interview on Monday which was a bit disappointing as apparently it was because of like one thing I said about not caring about targets in the interview which I think the person didn’t understand that I wasn’t referring to targets for the job I was going for. Anyway I keep telling myself it is not meant to be!!! Its my birthday next month and I give up on “getting my life together” by a certain age because a few months back I was determined to stay in the job I was in long term and in a matter of a few weeks I basically went fuck this and quit. So a bit of a down day today, I didn’t leave the house and got all the thoughts in my head about what a loner I am, the future is hopeless and what is the point.

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Struggle town

Struggling, middle of winter so my energy levels are at an all time low. I just want to sleep. I had a blood test a few weeks ago and everything was fine, iron, thyroid all fine. So its just all in my head thats making me exhausted and just wanting to give up. Its the same thing. Stuck in a rut, dont know how to change it. Im finding my job mundane. The same thing every day. Saying the same things over and over. Is it always going to be like this.

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July

Its July, still in the same job, still not planning on going anywhere but my anxiety is making me nuts. I haven’t slept well this week. Its the same thoughts over and over about having no social life, no partner and where the hell am I going. I have no one to travel with so I cant see myself traveling anymore although my anxiety has made me not want to leave home anyway and made me super anxious of planes. I am anxious of being questioned about my mother about why I don’t socialize anymore or have not met someone. I am anxious about missing work (not at work today) I am anxious about sleeping. I am anxious about the future and being alone and what people think of me.

I seem to go ok for a few weeks and then I bugger up. Will I ever be able to feel secure? Happy?

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Anxiety sucks!!

I really am the worst blogger ever.

Alrighty so to catch we are in May, the 16th to be exact and I am in the same job, I plan to stay in this job so thats a good thing. Still a loner, still no man. But fuck it. My goal for the rest if the year is to not take anymore sick days at work and hopefully by the end of the year be offered a permanent position. Being offered a permanent position means more money and I will buy a new car. I am trying to just not care about being a loner, I enjoy my own company and I would rather be a Hermione Granger than a Kardashian. The last few months I have talked to my cousin alot, she has a chronic illness and cannot work and is like me in the way of being independent and staying home alot.. and we both love Harry Potter! So thats nice to have someone to exchange messages with because normally my phone was pretty silent.

So this year is going well, 2 people I worked with that irritated me with their whining dont work there anymore, we moved to a nice new office building and now I have a window on one side and the person on the otherside is fine and not annoying lol. I have almost finished paying of my credit card and so after that no debts! So the rest of the year I’ll get my savings back up. No future plans to travel, I have been to 20 countries so far in my lifetime which is pretty good so I think I will take a few years of from traveling as A. My anxiety now has me nervous about flying B. I dont have anyone to travel with.

Throughout my twenties I would go from job to job and moved house like 6 times so its now time to settle in this job, I’ve been in the same house for 2 years and not going anywhere for the next year and just concentrate on myself.

Be ok being an introvert/loner. Work on going to work every day and trying to fight the anxiety.

Speaking of anxiety When I went to the doctor yesterday to get a medical certificate for missing work I got a prescription for Effexor. I am taking Lexapro currently and will keep taking that and will see how it goes with taking Effexor too. I just want to stop having such anxiety in the mornings when my alarm goes off usually on a Monday or Tuesday morning. Like I just hate the feeling and theres not really much to be anxious about but I will come up with some sort of lie or call in sick to be able to go back to sleep, I am willing to make a sacrifice to the devil just to get more sleep!!!

I dont know why!!!! Like I know mornings can be hard but I am literally sometimes close to just quitting it all just to go back to sleep. Its not normal

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I just want to be ok with being a loner but I worry about what other people think of me

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i do this really cute thing where i shut down and hate everybody

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Dear Co worker please shut the fuck up I am sick of you whining

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Give me a purpose, make me feel needed

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What I achieved

In the last week I

Went to work last Thursday when I was close to calling in sick

Went to a meet up on Saturday

On my way to work now for a 7am start

How do I feel?

Tired of course lol

Over the weekend I got down about my lack of social life, I went to a meetup for the first time on Saturday and it was all awkward people that while I can sympathize with I couldn’t socialize with. I know this sounds totally like I am up myself but I am i like banter and wit and good conversation and just would like one person that i see regularly to catch up.

Any way its the same old rant about being lonely so for now I just need to let all that go and love myself and concentrate on my mental health, I have made an appointment with my doctor to talk about my meds and am thinking of going to a support group so watch this space!

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I am predicting another lonely New Years eve

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New beginnings

Quit my job Fuck Eek In the last few weeks I came to hate my job and not like most of the people I work with I had had a few sick days and gotten questioned about them and I do fully understand having regular sick days is not good but unfortunately when you have mental health issues you take regular sickes :/ My work performance was slipping and I was planning on quitting in a few weeks but i got called into a meeting and I just said straight up I think it would be best if I left. So I quietly cleaned out my desk and went. I can only imagine the gossip. I really want to believe going through all these different jobs is the path I am meant to go down, that it will lead me to a job I stay in for a long time or to my soulmate. I hope better things are around the corner, a little luck shines on me and 5 years from now I am in a job that I have been in for a while and I go home to my soulmate each day and I am happy. I know I will always have these problems with depression and anxiety but surely I can still find some genuine happiness one day.

[awkwardanxiousamy-blog]

Breaking the dry spell

So I got laid last night FINALLY 12 months of not touching man finally over!!. So I am on a dating website (have deleted tinder) and last Tuesday when I was in despair and feeling quite suicidal I actually had gotten a message from a guy at the time I wasn't in the mood and was close to just deleting it but after I calmed down I replied and then Wednesday we messaged back and forth and exchanged numbers and then Thursday night we met up and it was really cool, we got burritos and then walked around the shops and then went and got some dessert. So he was pretty easy to talk to, had a sense of humor and I wasn't wildly attracted to him but attracted enough. We texted over the weekend and made plans to meet up again Sunday and I went to his house and we watched a movie and then yea..... it was good, not awkward and I think he could be a friends with benefits kind of guy so we will see where it goes!!

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Dry spell broken!!!!

I got laid!!!! 12 month long dry spell broken!!!! I thought it would never end!!!!! I was suicidal on Tuesday and now my prayers has been answered. I will give more details tomorrow but for now I am going to sleep :)

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Crumbling

My mind has decided to attack me with thoughts on how much of a failure I am, failure at keeping a job for more than a few years and getting anywhere, failure at not having any friends any more, failure at not being able to find a relationship in the last 5 years failure cause at 30 I am a failure. Average job, no friends, no lover. If I killed myself on a Friday night no one would realize until Monday when I didnt turn up for work. I would love to get away, go on a holiday but that wouldn't solve anything. I hate the girls at work talking about their boyfriends or the guys they have met after being single for 5 minutes, I hate the plans they talk about having with friends on the weekend, I hate the cute couples on house hunters and the people on house hunters international that are moving to and island cause they can work from their laptop. I hate myself for being like this. I hate not having any motivation to try and be happy and change things.

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Halfway

Almost halfway through the year. It has gone quick although most days have been the same thing same routine but maybe that's what makes the days go quick. 6 months into the year and I am no closer to a relationship or friendships. I have achieved other small personal goals though. and am slowly just learning to let things be and be patient. Winter has started so I am using that as an excuse to no try and get out and seek friendships... but also I still lack the confidence to do that. At work I appear confident on the outside and it is much easier to interact that way rather than actually going online to seek friendships or a relationship cause it is forced. I cant see myself having outings with friends and having genuine fun or dating a guy, in the last 10 years I have had these things and this is the longest I have gone without socializing or dating and if I dwell to much on it I go into the dark zone. Last month I matched with a guy on tinder who lived near me and we started talking and decided to meet up that weekend for brunch and I was excited and nervous and when it came to the day it went well the conversation went well and I was attracted to him and I let myself get excited but then the next morning he had deleted me and I was pretty crushed. I am trying to look at it like it wasn't meant to be and all of that but will I ever have intimacy again??? I am craving the touch and feel of a man, even a one night stand would be fine. Half of me is trying to think that great things are coming and I will meet someone and the other half is absolutely terrified that in 5 years things will be the same, no friends, no boyfriend. If things were the same in 5 years I think I would be suicidal, being so alone takes its toll and I want to travel but not alone, I want to buy a house but cant afford to do it alone, I want to go out to lunch and dinner but not alone, I want to go to the movies or watch a movie at home snuggled up with someone. I feel paranoid that people at work think about what a loner I am as when asked the question ‘What are your plans for the weekend’ I give a vague answer and then try turn it around by asking them what their plans are. I want to be a proud confident introvert but the truth is I am lonely, I am not choosing to stay in every weekend it is because I do not get invited anywhere anymore. And as I have said before I don't want a big group of friends and to go out every weekend, I just want a few people that text me asking me how I am, they can also be introverts and have anxiety and depression. I would be happy to invite a few people over to just chat about anything and everything. I have become kind of close to a girl at work who is a few years younger than me and we have some things in common BUT she loves to talk about herself and her problems and she is the type of girl that tells everyone her business and needs attention. She is funny though and we do text but she has her own friends (who she complains about) and she has no idea about who I really am. No one does.

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Fake happy