backwiththemadness

[backwiththemadness]

Still sick. I still haven't gone to the doctor though, I just keep telling myself it will resolve itself.

But I definitely have bronchitis, and double ear infections. I had bronchitis and an ear infection last winter. The ear infection isn't as bad this year even though it's in both ears; last year's was very painful and I was very dizzy. This one is mostly just sore, and I feel like my head is underwater.

But I went to see my new psych doctor yesterday. I had a couple small disagreements with her--she said that venlafaxine isn't used for ADHD, but uhhh it is, and she said insurance always covers the ER formulation of stimulants for adults but I've done dozens of prior authorizations in my career and even with patients trying every IR formulation known to man it still often gets denied. But overall, I liked her. She was quite understanding and caring.

I've been questioning my bipolar diagnosis, and she says that some things make her think I do have bipolar disorder, but not enough for her to say for sure. She wants me to do some more research. I mean, I have done research and that's why I think I don't have it. My mood swings and impulsiveness can be better explained by my ADHD. But I have a strong family history for both, so it's hard to parse it out with my own symptoms.

So either way we're playing it safe and I'm going back on lamotrigine, and in a couple weeks we're going to start a stimulant. She wants me to think about whether an amphetamine or methylphenidate product would be more beneficial. I was able to look it up on my insurance, and they're about the same price. My brother's ADHD was never treated due to his meth addiction, so I can't get any clues as to which would be better (she said they'll usually start with whatever a family member has been successful on).

But additionally, she said that Vyvanse was recently approved for treating binge eating disorder. If I wanted to get Vyvanse, and if I meet the criteria (she said I might based on some of what I told her), I could get it approved on my insurance without trying another drug first. That would be great, not only because of the binge eating issue, but because everyone I've spoken to on Vyvanse had a great experience with it. Unfortunately, the cost on my insurance is twice as much.

I'm tempted to try it, I have an FSA account for a reason after all, but I think a regular amphetamine or methylphenidate would benefit my eating problems as well. I know that they tend to reduce appetite, and if it helps me handle my executive dysfunction and related stress, it should make it easier to manage my emotions re: binging.

Meanwhile, I went grocery shopping today and I will freely admit that it was 80% not healthy stuff. I was trying to keep the cost down, so I wound up with some boxed and frozen junk. I'm just going to try to keep portions small and calories on the lower end.

The harder part is that junky food messes me up and causes me to crave more bad foods. I'll find a way to manage though.

Hopefully I'll be feeling better tomorrow and can start straightening some stuff out. All I really want to do right now is sleep.

[backwiththemadness]

I know I said I was going to post every day, but the day after the first post I got sick and I've been sick since. Literally all motivation has gone down the drain, and I'm also excessively broke this week so my eating habits have gone down the drain with the rest of it.

I had McDonald's for breakfast and lunch today, because I had a fistful of change and coupons for free food.

I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and Cookie Dough Bites for "dinner." Fortunately, when I got home tonight I did have just enough energy to do a load of dishes (and I had literally no clean dishes, not even a spoon to stir my tea and honey with).

So I raided the pantry and freezer and threw some shit in the crock pot. Chicken, broth, onions, garlic, bell pepper, black beans, green chilis, and taco seasoning for a uh...chicken tortilla soup? Maybe just a taco soup? Idk I don't have any tortillas or chips so it is what it is, and at least it's a healthy meal to eat tomorrow.

What started as a cold is now also an ear infection, and I'm still awake at 3:30am because every time I lie down I get a violent coughing fit. I'll probably go to the walk in clinic tomorrow and beg for antibiotics and codeine cough syrup.

[backwiththemadness]

Back into it.... Hopefully

This is a secondary blog to deal with my health and fitness stuff. That's what I originally used my primary for, but when I fell off the wagon hard, my blog became a lot of nothing. I've tried to rekindle the Fitblr flame, but it never went right. I need a clean slate.

Let's give a whole lot of background here:

I've always been overweight, and I've always been sick. Chicken or the egg? When I was a kid, I was sick all the time but the doctors couldn't find anything technically wrong with me. In retrospect, I think it was either the side effects of undiagnosed ASD/ADHD (so, anxiety issues causing physical issues), or fibromyalgia.

I definitely have fibromyalgia now. I was diagnosed when I was 23.

As a teen, I also broke my tailbone, which made it harder to be active. It was already hard to be active because of fatigue and pain, but it definitely got worse. I did yoga, and I think that helped alleviate some of my symptoms and prevented me from gaining too much weight. In my late teens, my grandma and I joined Curves, and it was a great help.

I didn't start gaining weight badly until my early 20s. I got together with my current partner in 2007, my social life became less active, I couldn't afford a gym membership anymore and my apartment was too small to do much in, and he helped foster a bad fast food habit (which was never an issue for me before... I almost never ate fast food, but he was already a fast food addict).

I hit my highest weight during pregnancy in 2012. I gained 50 pounds during pregnancy, putting me at 260lb. After pregnancy, I managed to get to 220 and stayed pretty steady there.

In 2014, my grandma passed way. She was like a mother to me. I started binge eating, hiding food, etc. I'm not even sure how high my weight got during that time. However, once my inheritance came in (January 2015), I got some motivation. I used the money to stock the house with healthy food, bought some kitchen tools and a treadmill, I started running and lifting weights... I got down to 180 in six months.

By July 2015, I was already slowing down because my symptoms started getting worse. It started with my feet. They became so painful that it hurt to stand. Then my wrists started hurting. It was like carpal tunnel, but on steroids. I was having trouble functioning at work because two of my biggest physical responsibilities were standing (my boss strongly disapproved of using a chair, even though we had one that worked with our standing stations), and using my hands to type and fill prescriptions. And in July, we have a lot of birthdays - - my father-in-law, my daughter, and myself, not to mention Independence Day celebrations. So between my reduced activity and having cake thrown at me left and right, things... Weren't so great. I gained back all the weight and then some. I was up to 250lb by the end of the year.

Meanwhile, we tested for autoimmune disease because I had a positive ANA test while trying to determine the origins of my foot and wrist pain. Nothing came of it. Last week I went to a new doctor for a second opinion, because I have gotten no better: It's even worse this time, even my ANA was negative. I say "worse" in the sense that I'm seeking answers and getting none. Technically not having autoimmune disease is a good thing, but I would rather have autoimmune disease than fibromyalgia. There's not really much in the way of treatment for fibromyalgia (though it's not deadly like autoimmune disease, so that's a plus. You only feel like you're dying!). I'm going to be getting a sleep study done, and if it turns out I have sleep apnea as my rheumatologist believes, treatment for that should increase my energy and decrease my pain. In a couple weeks, I'm also seeing a psychiatrist to start treating my ADHD for the first time. I'm hoping that getting medication will help me overcome some of my issues.

In the last few months, I have gotten down to 230lb through a ketogenic diet, but I've stuck there hard. The scale simply stopped budging. I also stopped eating keto because, quite frankly, I became bored of it. I also started having food aversions. I'm not even sure how to get past THAT mess.

So, I need to start over. I need to go slow and I need to be very easy on myself. Very gentle. Easier said than done.

Goals:

Stop eating junk. When I'm not on a keto diet, it's like my brain sees it as a free pass to eat sugar and empty carbs. It's fucking not. Stop that.

Walk a little each day. Just five to ten minutes. It's difficult because I get numbness in my legs, but I think getting active again will help, especially if it's from a compressed nerve (I suspect it is).

Lift weights twice a week. I can't really do free weights right now, but I did get a gym membership specifically for the circuit machines. They really help me to lift with proper form so I don't hurt myself or hyperextend my joints.

Do yoga. Like, any possible time. I don't think I'm even going to set a schedule for this, I may just set a rule of "I feel like shit, time to stretch."

I want to eat as many fresh whole foods as I can.

On a similar note: Learn how to overcome food aversions. (Uhh... Anyone got tips? Like I can't even eat carrots anymore, I used to love carrots!)

Eat moderate carb and lower calorie (until I can exercise enough to raise my calories). Another challenge in the last year is that I went from a fairly active job on my feet all day to a sitting desk job. So obviously my calorie needs have changed.

Log my efforts and find appropriate rewards. I can log here, on Habitica, in notes on Evernote, or in a paper notebook. I just need to make sure I'm logging it somewhere.

I recently got a sit-to-stand desk at work, and I want to make a goal of using it every day. Not for long periods, just a bit. Lately though, I've been getting dizzy and weak when standing.... So I have to be cautious there.

I think that's about it. I'll try to update this at least once a day. And if anyone follows me here and wants to poke me into action, I will always be appreciative of it.