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[baebranding]

Ima let this rock..

Im driving with my man. Its 8:53pm and im high out my mind . Im thinking about how my mans playlist is always a mood. Its always right.

His moms loves me. He fits right in with my family. Hes like a classic Man, ya know ? Its like he knows he belongs here.

I love that. I know im always sad and depressed. Theres people that go to sleep thinking “nobody loves me. Not really.” And then just like that, they get back on up and keep trucking . Its the hopeless romantic in me🤷🏽‍♀️

But his mom. Shes so dope. She had this golden light to her that makes me wanna run up and hug her everytime. Thats someone that, when im at my lowest, I know I have someone in the world thats praying for me. I might be one sad person, but thats always beautiful that I appreciate the beauty of having someone confirm im not crazy. That I am there .

More often than not, we dont REALLY celebrate when we do something depression-like. Depressing ?

Yea, we know you got up and cleaned your ass. After a while, your funk will cause you to be mad at yourself. Forget that little shopping list you made for yourself . What about you passing a class you HATED !? Or surpassing that one shitty ex ? My favorite is when people think im cute with no makeup on. I have a huge forehead, big eyes and a gap . I dont think im pretty at all. But I do take care of my skin. I dont take lightly to being itchy .

I celebrate the times where I can run bare foot in the grass on a sunny day. I celebrate when I get a promotion. I celebrate when I address my childhood trauma head on . I celebrate when I have a creative moment and I produce a whole different idea .

I appreciate the days where I understand why I am here. I accept things as they are .

[baebranding]

RUE & LEXI in

EUPHORIA | S02E03: Ruminations: Big and Little Bullys

[baebranding]

This one is 4 my baby

Everyday I say a prayer

To myself

In hopes that God himself hears

I pray I make it home safely tonight

I pray that we get there unharmed

In this world that we live in

Thats all I could ask for lately

And I pray I can take my baby wit me

I pray he makes it home with me

Safe and sound

Unharmed

I want to be able to tell him how much of a King he is

My baby so dope

I wanna look him in the eyes make him feel

Like he makes me feel

I need his fingers on the base of my spine

I wanna lay in bed with my baby

And get lost in forever

[baebranding]

I’d like to get something off my chest:

Im am not strong. At all.

Im not strong and its extremely taxing when people constantly think I am. I know I am the blame though.

Heres a backstory:

When I was a child, I was homeless. My mom and I slept on trains some nights. Other nights she had to fight with my father for a place to stay. My mom was always on her own. My mom got her ass beat almost everyday just to make sure I had a roof over my head. This is my first encounters with the idea of love.

Growing up, it was hard to make friends. I was always the new girl. My mom and my grandmother fought constantly over me so it was always a back and forth thing. I remember being made fun of because people thought I dropped out. A teacher thought I was arrested because I used to come in upset all the time.

My father told me at the age of 14 that he did not want me. To my face. My mom eventually followed suit at the age of 18.My father figure went through hell to prove I wasnt his child. At this point, I knew the direction my life would have to take. I had to navigate life the best way I could and hope to God I wouldnt fuck up.

Best believe, I fucked up.

At 16, I was raped and abused by the rapist. Imagine walking through a town that believed you were a hoe because a rumor started by someone who wanted you to go die. Ive had “friends” who wanted me destroy me for fun. I always let them. Ive already experienced the worst and im still alive, right?

I started cutting that same year. I hated myself.

When I finally reached college, I was not allowed to go out of he state. I was forced to pass up Princeton. I went to BCC instead. I was in a toxic relationship with Satan. I was abused yet again. I was in a relationship still handling life alone. I let her paint this picture of me that wasnt true. I was made to be a monster. Behind closed doors? I came home to broken furniture every other day from my mom fighting with her boyfriend. He would come home drunk and drugged everyday but had the nerve to play”daddy”. I would go days on end with nothing to eat because I had to scrap up change to make sure my brother ate . I was afraid to ask because I was always told I didnt deserve it or im asking for too much. I grew up with this mindset so it was easier to suffer than to fight . The only fighting I did was running away from home. Silly me. I slept on the grass in 15 degree weather outside of the Yankee stadium that night.

When I turned 18, I tried to fight . I really did. From then on out, fighting would be the only thing I knew. I fought so much that I fought for the wrong things. I fought for guys that didnt want me. I fought to be at tables that I didnt even have a chair at . I fought for things that did not belong to me. So in hindsight, I fought for things that I knew I had to let go. The sad truth?

I always had to let go .

As I grew older I got so used to just doing things on my own. I had to continue trying to figure life out for myself. I hated asking for help, so I rarely did. I hated having to overextend myself because I know that nobody would do the same thing for me. I had to be my own warrior . I still do.

Do you know what it is like to constantly live your life for everyone else but yourself?

Do you know what it is to take care of everyone else when you cant even but yourself a pair or work shoes?

Do you know what it feels like knowing youve literally broke your back to make sure others were good while you suffered in silence ?

I keep this smile on my face because when I suffered, the world grew silent. I was able to see what it was that I was suffering for. So in suffering I stayed because it was the only thing that made sense to me. It was the only consistent part of me that I ironically found comfort in. I am most productive in anger but on good days I stay in bed and cry. Good days dont exist. Theyre only good because I was able to provide a good day for someone else, not myself. It was only good because its like one less person disappointed with me before someone else comes along.

I am not strong.

I am drained of any will to fight

I dont want to help anymore

I dont want to over extend myself anymore

I dont want to be reliable

I dont want to be around anyone

I have yet to experience who I am as a human. I still til this day cannot figure out my purpose on this earth. And I wish people knew outside of what their issues were that im fighting thoughts of death and suicide on a daily basis because im constantly replaying all of the memories of me not being enough for anyone. Im constantly fighting so hard for someone to see that but im losing me in the process. Im constantly feeling worthless and not good enough . Im constantly asking for love and patience because I hardly ever give that to myself and I still dont know what that is. I wish people knew how their actions and words really do affect me. Im not as strong as anyone thinks . I appear strong because whats anyone gonna do when im not? Say theyre there for me and disappear anyways? Whos there to hug me? Whos there to pick me up out that grass field ? Who offers solice? Who allows my spirit to rest ? I havent even been able to turn to God anymore. Im constantly just trying to figure it out on my own and to be honest? I just dont want to anymore. I just want to be still and silent. I just wanna lay out everything I have and am on a table and let everyone just take what they need until they are satisfied. I dont wanna smile knowing im not happy with myself . Im just tired of finding a reason to believe I need to fight anymore. So suffering I constantly stay.

[baebranding]

Who remembers Lily Allen?

How much do you reflect? How much of you do you know? How much have you learned about yourself?

Nothing sucks more than gettin to a point in life where you knew better. Im still mad at myself for alot of mistakes i made. I knew better. I knew this would never be something i would choose if someone jus asked me right out. This is where creativity comes in. 

My man sometimes like to let me listen to my music in his car. Today was one of those rare occasions whee he didnt get squeemish and stressed. He actually let it ride out. My man has like super perfect hearing so he normally as a harsh judgement of music . Honestly im not the lyrical miracle sevant myself but i i like to switch up my music selection alot more than hes willing to, which does put a challenge on the creative challenge. It wasnt until I was 3 songs deep into a Lana Del Rey album that i finally just let my thoughts take the wheel. Its crazy where your mind will go with a few throwback jams. 

I reflected back on a time where i was just barely legal, also know as 18 years old. I was fresh out of an abusive home and ready to see so much more than Tremont Ave. I remembered how driven i was in 2016 when i got promoted. I remember how much i used to day dream when i was 13. I was always looking for some way to make my thoughts a reality. I always think, if im able to see it in my mind, i should be able to make it true in real life. This weekend will keep your drive going, trust me. 

Im expanding my brand again. Im using that little girl that used to dream of doing what im doing right now and making her dreams come true. 

[baebranding]

Okay The Real Spill Is..

So a few minutes ago i found myself writing some bullshit think piece on the dramatics of getting started. Real Shit?

It’s not that hard to start a business. It’s just alot of work. 

I think the part that scars alot of people and the “modern” woman is that realization that yes , you will be definitely putting in just as much if not more work as you do at your current job . Surprise! 

I can make the process sound precise and simple and I can promise you will make 1000$ in a second or whatever get rich quick schemes yall like to always run to, but i would only been lying. You will still nd up spending twice as much to make sure you have a brand that is marketable and let alone even running.

So the real spill..

Im at the process of designing. I love getting creative and finding a creative mindset. I love creating setus that fit my mood. That i know will feel right in my soul. Making a website is annoying and the marketing is a pain in my as. IM SO DAMN PICKY!! I kep gtting up to walk in a circle just waiting for any spark of color in my brain to spark something. Other times i feel like i just wanna do shit myself so i start sinking into 50 billion youtube videos. If my man heres me ask for another gadget that i dont need, hes gonna strangle me i swear. 

For starters, 

I know i cant be the only one that thought”this is all it took? this is where yall wear finding this stuff?” I thought someone just gave me the key to life on a golden platter. SIKE! this was just the beginning. But what did i know. Then it started, what the hell would i even do with this?  

I Thought clothes. But i feel like even girl my age is either doing clothes or lashes. i really dont have time for a female to fight me over an idea that 60 other females and a fish thought of. Then he comes my super hero boyfriend with the question of the century : “What do you like?” . Me being the delight that i am, i said food first. The was obviously dismissed quick. Then as he walked past with that glorious print holding his pants up, I said “dick” . 

BING . there we go!! 

but where do i even begin to get that from? Do i rob the nearest Spencers ? Nope i use my skills as a retail worker. I research it. It also helped that I had some business savvy-ish friends. Karlisa, my forever wife and coach, you re loved and appreciated. I got straight to work . It started with going through phone apps. Then websites. Then my thoughts. What is th name going to be?

Now FYI ive changed the name about a billion times until i found one that really suited me and not what sounded good to me. 

reread the last line.

Anything will sound good . But was it always good ? Probably not. I wanted something classy. I farted on my boyfriend that same night. I wanted something bad ass but still classy. I only had two movie to draw from for inspiration. i wanted something sexy too But not like Yandy.com-esque sexy. I finally came back to pintrest and some photo shop app. I spent weeks will note making trying to play around with ideas in my head. what will the models look like? what will the shoots look like? 

Sometimes its alot harder when you gotta figure it out for yourself. My man i pretty chill so he doesnt always blurt out ideas like i do. Plus he gets a kick out of me being crazy sometimes. i will admit it does get a little crazy here when im out of ideas. SO he sat with me and offered his services. His insight. im not aying you gotta involve the whole gang but its okay to not have all the answers. I found myself researching other factors that i probably wouldnt have had he not said anything. 

COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!!!!!!!

in all aspects, actually. For example, i havent made my own clothes since i was like 7 when my gma taught me and that talent went right out the window. But id learn about fashion at 13. I learned about the importance of different fabrics at 18. I learned about the people who produce the same sweater im wearing right now. Fashion was always something i was passionate about. but like in a defenive way. like i didnt want to be judged for getting rid of my wire hangers. iF YOU DONT KNOW SOMETHING, ITS OKAY TO ASK. Contact the people that design the products youre working with. Take classes. Read a book. Watch a video .

HAVE FUN. 

i know youre swamped. Thats normal. but at some point have some fun. Life aint always business and you shouldnt feel the same way you do when you are at work. Enjoy the process. This is the part that you get to put all of you into the world. Be excited ! I cant wait for the reactions because I feel like its going to make so much sense after. When you have fun, you show confidence. That you dont have any worries. It creates a trust factor between you and your consumer. 

Lastly but not leastly,

take your time. Of course make sure you are on track with the times, but its not a race. Comb over each and every part of your ideas.  cant tell you how many mistakes ive already made an i havent even gone public yet. Make sure this is something you are willing to make time for as well. If you arent willing, because nobody really has that much time anymore, you will no get anything done. Your dreams will always be second.

[baebranding]

So I changed the name again lol

So I havent really kept up with the journal like I promised. Oops.

But man life. Life is wild. You think youre scared of your present? Wait til you start considering shit you didnt think about before? Like getting a house or immortality. Im trying to wrap my head around the fact that I am 27 years old.

Just a year ago I almost forgot what day my bday was . And I guess in the midst of cancer and evictions, I was almost immediately reminded. This year im now facing a even bigger task than getting my car back: womanhood.

Now I dont mean I just got my period. I mean, I have to learn to be able to cook seafood. I have to consider a mans mental health during my PMS episodes.

He has to meet my mom.

But lets take it a step forward. I dont even know how fertile I am and im officially traumatized by the idea of going thru a pregnancy again. Or what if I cant go to my Gma anymore ?? I often wonder what life would be like if I felt like I could live to live and not live to survive . I probably wouldve spent more time learning how to properly do my hair or probably doing taxes. Who knows.

Sometimes to pull myself out of this self inflicted fear , I often times remind myself, or rather ask myself..

“How many other woman are struggling with coming into their role in society as a woman?

A provider, a mother, a business holder, and grandmother?

We big ourselves up about being a mother or the head honcho but you realize this means you hold the power to create a long lasting legacy ? You will be in charge of molding another person to carry on in your name . My mom had to show me what life is like without my father to guide me . Of course I became bi but I think we have worst issues than me trying to find another woman for my household.

Or, heres a thought: how my womanhood affects the one person who lays beside me each night and leaves me with no blankets in the morning:

My man.

Its so weird because I remember imagining how life would be with a man at home. When I thought I had the answer..

Yall know how that went .

But I didnt realize that we as females spend so much time on men but not in the areas that need us most. Hows his heart? Hows his finances? Is he on track to building his goals ? How is he with his family ? And so on and so forth. When that man comes home, he needs peace. Besides his mom, the world is constantly telling him to be a man. He is not to cry or rest. He is not to be vulnerable. Imagine how you felt as a kid when your parent would say “keep crying. Ima give you something to cry about.” And what did you do ? Shut right the hell on up right ?

Now live you life like that. Tell me youre still okay.

This is how infidelity happens. This is how broken homes happen. Whens the last time you sat with a man and asked him what a happy home means to him without any regards for how you may feel in response? Im bot saying build him a castle, but atleast make him feel like he’s already in one. And what does this have to do with my titties growing more ?

You can learn so much about your “Devine feminine” from a man. My man chilled me out so much . He became my safe space. He reminds me of my place in the world as a woman because he allows me to be just that , a woman. That dont mean he says “ you cook a clean” . This meant ima love you while you are healing and breaking down. You arent failing but heres what can help. Youre allowed to feel the way you feel. Its normal…

This means you can be the cause of the end of the world and ima love you still . Because the woman is always right. We arent but he knows the “rules”.

As a woman, we constantly feel the weight of the world on us at every waking second. Do you know what you can do when you know you have someone to fall back on. I know all to well of the sinking feeling I used to get feeling like im alone . It was the equivalent of feeling like I was running out of time. Like im running out of fucks to be completely honest and I hated that this was the person I was becoming. I didnt have answers . It took me a long time to come to terms with that. I spend so much time trying to figure it out day to day because as a woman we need to be together right ? Not I. I just kept running into walls that already had my blood on it. I kept reopening the same wombs trying to pull out any type of lesson or sense of familiarity from it. Nothing learned but I had to get something from it.

I constantly ran I these circles until I drove myself dizzy and drained. Shoes do run ragged with they are over worn. So I got a hotel room one night and did the only thing I could think to do just to feel one inch of life within me . I called on Lucifer . And I let him tell me everything I wanted to hear. I let him suck me in again and like I always did, I believed he would make it all better . I was left with nothing but south park blaring on the tv and a hotel bed in obt. Nothing more. I had hit rock bottom.

its crazy to think i spent all this time running into the same walls when my man held the door open for me a long time ago, Its like god had to hurt me as much as much as he could to see that the wall will never crumble.  That same night i was down to my last dollar. My last will. my last nerve. I had to sit with myself in my car those few nights and reflect on everything i had done to get me to that point. It was what i didnt do. I didnt fight for me. I fought for band aids and quick fixes. I fought for everyone elses lives because it was like books i didnt want to finish. It was the closest thing to real because i couldnt figure it out for myself. i didnt have the tools anymore. i didnt know what love was anymore. So i could only chase what i knew would make sense to me at the time, a friend. 

He didnt judge me. He sat with me while I healed. He didnt give me a band aid. He let me bleed out on his doorstep and said he would help me clean up the mess. To not be embarrassed. He provided a safe haven. “Stay until you can fix you. Stay until you are well again.” I made of that what i could at the time. 

He became the strongest part of me. My heart. Babe if you ever come across this: you are the best part of life on Earth. Im in love with you. 

As a woman, we fall out. We spiral. We scream and fight and we always have to make a fuckin point. And face it, who would we been if we didnt? Thats what true womanhood is. Its about finding you and loving you. Life will happen along the way. This is where I am now. I still make mistakes. Sometimes i will go psycho lady crazy when i dont know what my next move is. I still lay in a pile of my own mess because I suck at making choices. Im so afraid of myself because of where ive been. 

Ladies, we are a hot mess. 

We are not always holding pink starbucks cups and taking lavish flights in some old man’s plane. We are not always instagram moms who dont hit there kids because the grass stays green all year. Sometimes, we are the ones who just want to walk bare foot because we been trying to hold our breathe in the club trying to appear perfect for some man who is waste deep in hennessy and discharge. We are wigless in the bodega beautiful .We are crying to sex in the city on our days of cool. We are 80 outfits with 70s rock blasting on the stereo when nobody is watching fun. We are the parts of us that keep from killing our men when they forget to fix the shower head loving. And we are someone locking the door behind you complete.

[baebranding]

Oct. 21, 2021

Baby Steps..

I figured I would make a journal-esque blog of sorts to track my progress, but for anyone who is still figuring it out.

It started with a question.

One night, during one of my fits of anxiety, I found myself yet again questioning why I cant figure out what I want to do with my life. Some people want to be a rapper or ball player. Me? Id rather be in bed and cry over things im not doing.