bakedmochomocho

[bakedmochomocho]

Today I baked blinis for my breakfast, finished to assemble a doll house kit, and put leftover of it in order for next creation. It's been a while since I've made something with my hands, and I remember how interesting it is.

I always draw and paint on my computer. It's easier to make corrections and I don't need any tools, but today I felt it is really fun to use tools and shape into object. I am in this world having my body, I guess that's why I enjoy making something by my own hands with tools. I love creation, to feel creation. Smells of oil painting, glue, paper. Feelings of cutting papers, clothes, strings. I enjoyed making bookshelf from woods when I was in junior high. I can still remember.

To create something using tools and materials, for me, having relationship with the objects in this world. And such relationship makes me confidence I exist in the same world.

[bakedmochomocho]

Today I've exchanged my water faucet connecting to a washing machine. I tried again and again and finally succeeded today. By the way, I have two cats, one of them is very timid and scared of strangers. Because I didn't wanna call a plumber as a stranger to exchange the faucet for her peace of mind, I bought a new faucet at Amazon, tried to exchange the old. In February, it was the first time I tried, but I couldn't remove the old faucet from the wall for its toughness. So next I bought a monkey wrench at Yodobashi, and let sit it for about a month, finally today I've completed the old faucet to new one. I was able to wash my bed cover and blanket in my washing machine without any leaks, it's so comfortable washing experience!

[bakedmochomocho]

I wanna forget what I'm living now.

[bakedmochomocho]

Now, I'm just waiting for night.

[bakedmochomocho]

Today I've had a huge sleep all day, dreamed a lot, it's story was chaos. Chaos, mazed stories of dream.

I don't know why but recently, sometimes I hold correct memories in my dream. So, I confused "It is far from my memory but,,, is it real?", that make me very, very anxious. And I've released such anxiety when I wake up.

Maybe, that is the reason I don't wanna sleep when i'm in poor mentsl condition.

[bakedmochomocho]

Sometimes I feel it ended up all in vain, my life, all of what I've done till now. My effort, in the end, turned meaningless.

[bakedmochomocho]

Today my condition of mental and physical, both were no good. I played puzzle game or fell asleep all the day. Tomorrow, my work will over at noon, so my feeling slightly easier than normal days.

now, still, I'm caught in sadness and depression. take pills, I should fall asleep. but how?

[bakedmochomocho]

This mornong, inside of my skull was filled by death, just like a scarecrow full of sawdust.

And now, it become detter a little.

I should out from my bed, and do something productive.

[bakedmochomocho]

Today I'm thinking about death, perhaps mine. I don't wannadie, maybe, just think. It is the only way for me to live with destrudo.

[bakedmochomocho]

i don't wanna sleep, idon't wanna dream.

i don't know why but i don't want to go my dream, it may not be a nightmare. common dream, but i don't wanna...

[bakedmochomocho]

To tell the truth, I don't wanna live anymor.

[bakedmochomocho]

I've been better than yesterday.

I cleaned my room, washed a bed cover and towels, watched TV .

A bit of drawing manga was done.

Today, it was not too bad.

Depression is very strange disease. I have aim of my life, stuffs wanna do. And I found something like meaning of my life, too. But sometimes I become apathetic all of them for the disorder. And that time, I always ask myself "how can I live anymor?". I lose understanding which am I wish, to be or not to be.

[bakedmochomocho]

I spent all this day laying or sleeping from my mental depression. I have no idea at all why such depression attacked me suddenly. I should've continue to draw my manga today, but I couldn't do anything. It was my fault, regret, caught me with impatient feeling.

I actually know that caused by depression, a sort of disease, and resting is the most effective medicine. But I can't patient to do nothing all the day. I can't stop thinking what if I've spent today for making manga, my work.

Today I wrote diary in English. It is only thing I could do today for looking forward.

[bakedmochomocho]

live a life of seclusion

Ataraxia

I wanna be free from other people's feeling, intence passions and desires, also mine.

Other people's concern about me, whether it is good or bad, even something called love, can harm me. I need to live seclusive life.

Sometimes I think even I don't wanna live anymor.

[bakedmochomocho]

I feel like there is no place for me in this world.

Does everyone have there own place? me too?

[bakedmochomocho]

Sometimes I become having no idea how should I live.

I have no idea, no faith.

[bakedmochomocho]

Sence of Guilts

I often think about my guilts. Those aren't absolutely concrete, and I'm vaguely aware that are caused by my mental illness. For example, I can eat meat little because they look like parts of bodies. This idea is not good, but it doesn't leave my mind for a long time.

A Buddhist priest who came to my grandmother's funeral and chanted sutras, preached that we are all in the karma in which we must sacrifice other lives. Such "lives" include not only animal but also plant, fungus, bacteria, and we should thank and eat them to live. This religious teaching is aimed at loving and valuing other lives rather than instilling guilt. But I've been caught the karma rather than the valuable lives. I, especially in bad condition, can't get off the sense of guilts. There is other stuff, anyway, now I've become feeling vague sense of guilts for living. To eat meat is only an example. I wonder if I am forgiven to continue living.

I live with vague sense of guilt and anxiety.