balancingthisvessel-blog

[balancingthisvessel-blog]

I've been wanting to do my yoga teacher training for a couple months over a year now. Waiting for the opportunity to arrive where I have the funds (it isn't cheap). I think I sort of used this "waiting period" as an excuse to slack off. Thinking I could do whatever I wanted while I waited for my chance. My practice hasn't slacked but I haven't immersed myself like a person who wants to invite great opportunity into their life should. So I started reading again. Reading is one of the greatest ways for me to stay focused and grow towards my goals and my passions. This is how I expand my mind and learn when I am not around others to learn from. As a mom my life is busy... like super busy but when I shifted my perspective and started seeing this "waiting period" as a time to educate myself as much as possible I started to find the time. 5 min here 10 min there. Waiting for brownies to bake... read. Peeing... read. Instead of netflix... read. I'm ready to invite what I've longed for into my life. I'm tired of being idle. It's time. #balancingthisvessel

[balancingthisvessel-blog]

falling apart is coming together.

First of all. I always intend on writing here more than I actually do. I’m not organized and always have so much going on in my head I have a hard time articulating in words what I’m thinking, experiencing, learning, feeling, etc. 

BUT I have learned so much and I’m seeing things coming together in this season of feeling like things are falling apart. 

Over the last month I have been listening to a book on CD in my car called Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life by Dr. Wayne Dyer. This book goes through all 81 verses of the Tao Te Ching (Book of life virtues) and breaks them down giving you a better understanding and also application ideas. Listening to this has hugely impacted the way I see things in life and has offered me a whole different perspective. I have recently been going through a transitional period in life. Making changes at my job, school starting for Malachi (my son, 7), people coming and going out of my life, getting a new roommate, etc and I’ve found that these virtues are helping play a huge roll in how I am responding. I have felt more calm in situations that in the past I would have handled very poorly, keeping my eyes focused on the end goal, and trusting that I am safe, loved, and ultimately responsible for my own happiness and well being. I have learned to appreciate the good AND the bad because it’s good to feel alive and I have found the power to choose not my situations but how I respond to them. I’m working on just allowing things to be and not try to understand them at all.  I am learning that I am the only THE ONLY person in charge of my whole-ness. I’m starting to feel like a contributing human. I am able to give because I am whole. This... is a game changer. I am able to be a better mom, a kinder coworker, an encouraging friend, a relaxed driver, an investor, a forgiver, and a lover. I don’t always succeed but I don’t beat myself up and I make a plan to be more successful next time. 

When things are falling apart they are indeed coming together. It is a matter of perspective and ability to see the big picture that allows us to have gratitude in a time of trial.

[balancingthisvessel-blog]

Because sometimes mom life is eating a sandwich you made on the fly in your bathrobes with soaking wet hair frantically trying to finish before you turn back around and the entirety of your house is destroyed by a free & most definitely wild 16 month old that climbs, opens doors and is beautifully curious about everything. But hell, life is absolutely full of purpose and I wouldn’t have it any other way. #eatasandwich

[balancingthisvessel-blog]

Fresh & local. In my effort to start reducing and reusing I made a couple trips to the farmers market today and actually remember my dang reusable bags. This is huge because, like others, I forget to use mine ALL THE TIME. I have plastic bags coming out of my ears and I'm so over it. (Recycle them at your local grocery store) Already my mind is thinking about all the trash I have in my life. Everything seems to have trash attached to it. Working through these thought processes and instead of finding a road block and quitting I'm going to keep on pushing, do some research, and ask some friends. Making small changes in my ruitine have really helped my brain to stay active and in the present moment. I feel invigorated and my mind feels fresh. I can't wait to see where this journey takes me. Wont you join me?

[balancingthisvessel-blog]

Don’t get me wrong. Going to my favorite local coffee shop, reading or chatting with a friend, and enjoying a good cup o’ joe fills my soul up but it empties my bank account and can only be done every now and then. Making cold brew has become a part of my daily routine. It’s easy, cheap and I can be creative plus it makes me really happy having this available at any time of the day. #homebrewcoldbrew How to brew cold brew: 1. Get your favorite coffee (needs to be ground for brew) 2. Get out your french press 3. Put about 2 tbsp per 6oz of water (honestly I just eye-ball it) 4. Pour boiling water over coffee. 5. Stir well with a spoon. 6. Put the lid on but don’t strain ,it. 7. Let it cool down for 10-15 min. 8. Put in the fridge for 12-24 hrs. 9. Strain and serve.

[balancingthisvessel-blog]

Finding Balance

Whew, it’s been a while. I’d say that would be due to a lack of balance. Ironic considering my blog name but as I’m feeling so much more on track I find myself sitting, with full cup of homemade cold brew, in front of my computer trying to figure out how in the hell to start this blog. At least the digital trashing of my creative process is less messy than a wastebasket with crumpled up papers surrounding it from no successful baskets. 

I’m much more balanced. My life is full of successes, failures, tears, lots of laughter, great conversations, amazing friendships, difficult relationships, love, disappointment, tons of sweating, falling off track, getting back on, falling off again and then getting back on, figuring out who I’m not, figuring out who I am, dedication, laziness, anger, stubbornness, reflection, holding my tongue, saying things I shouldn’t, discontent and total bliss. I’m a mess. No wait… I’m HUMAN.  

How do I find balance? I love myself. Sound silly? Its not. It’s the most important thing you can do in order to find balance. It takes dedication which is something I’ve never been crazy good at but I’m learning through trial and error that may or may not have taken me the last 27 years to figure out. 

I didn’t used to love myself or really even proud of myself. I was, since about 7th grade, trying to be everything the world wanted me to be. I was comparing myself to other women, I was trying to find my worth in the clothes that I wore or the people that gave me affection. I was a mess. Later on, aside from being a young single mother, I had no clue what my purpose was and everything I wanted didn’t seem possible. I obsessed over my image and was ashamed of my “mom-bod”. I never had strong, long-lasting friendships and wondered what was wrong with me. I tried the easy fix on a lot of things and never found success (no surprise). I was so lost when it came to knowing who I was. When you don’t know who you are life can generally be a shit show. 

It took a lot of pain, hurt, anger, resentment, straight up hitting my rock bottom and a failed marriage to begin the process of taking control of my own life. I am no longer always angry, hurt, in pain or resentful. I am at peace with the things that happened and see them as an absolute necessity to get me where I am at this very moment. I am grateful for them. 

Through a lot of sweating, miles ran, mountains climbed, yoga sessions, investment, dedication, and courage I am feeling better than I ever have. This wasn’t easy, not at all, I had so many amazing friends/family supporting me, listening to me, giving me advice, investing in me, and holding me accountable. There were a lot of things happening to me to affirm that I was on the right path and that was simply celestial. I get teary eyed thinking about how well I was taken care of at that moment in time. I was given exactly what I needed. 

I stayed committed to my health and fitness lifestyle. I started feeling stronger in my mind and body. My yoga practice really took off and I invited and embraced more intentional living practices into my life. I started to feel this immense feeling of not ego, but self-esteem. I started doing things that for me required confidence. (ie: wearing shorts, less make-up, etc) I started being a transparent and raw version of myself. I was strongly feeling the liberation of knowing that others perception of me did not actually make me who I was. I was figuring out that I am so much more. I was discovering that I had purpose, that I was valuable, and that I am worthy just the way I am. And there it was the most beautiful thing I had experienced in my life… I was falling in love with myself for the first time… ever. This, for anyone, is such a beautiful thing and reflecting on it and writing it down makes me get emotional. I was renewed. For the first time in my life I started to feel like I had purpose. 

I have gained so much from the mess. I have gained so much choosing to get off auto-pilot and take control of this one and only vessel I was given. I gained so much from surrendering and learning to forgive. 

Each post from now on will reflect my life, my projects, my failures, my struggles, my crazy/beautiful life as a mom and how I am trying harder and harder to find all the rich offerings that life has for me. Each moment is an opportunity and each opportunity is a journey. Wont you join me?   

[balancingthisvessel-blog]

Stillness

After bouncing emotions and thoughts off friends and much reflection, what I have been longing for and needed lately is STILLNESS. I have been so on the go lately. Running, hiking, yoga, friends, kids, family, etc. I haven't sat down and intentionally meditated in a while or even been still for that matter. I have been keeping myself so busy that I haven't had time to feel things. To actually, deep down in my soul, feel things and surrender to them. I think this is understandable considering my recent past and all of the emotional turmoil it consisted of but is it healthy? Hell no. I'm battling with loneliness which is fine/normal but how I am channeling it isn't. I'm finding myself looking for social interactions and I have moved away from being okay by myself. I love time to myself. Why do I do this? I'm creeping back into old habits that I want nothing to do with. Today is a new day. The beginning of less craziness and more beautiful and intentional time being still. Rooting myself down to peel away layers and discover my heart and who I truly am. Confusion is at an all time high right now but I think it is a beautiful place to be. Discovery happens here. Lessons are learned and growth is inevitable. I will not lose myself again. I refuse to become broken in my confusion and pain. I will face this head on. I will no longer constantly distract myself and I WILL become stronger. I am on track, I just got a little distracted. It's amazing how my body and mind have been yelling at me: "GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THIS PLACE." This place of false fulfilment. I will ground myself and learn to find fulfilment in my stillness. I'm grateful for friends. Friends that have helped me work through things by talking to them. There are SO many beautiful people in my life. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for listening and giving advice. Thank you for being such a meaningful vessel of love in my life. ❤ Namaste friends. 🕉 We are all beautiful vessels of light. Peel away the layers and expose this light. Share it with the world.

[balancingthisvessel-blog]

It's time for taking it slow

I sit here...my mind heavy with thoughts. So much progress has been made in my life lately yet there is so much work to be done. Today I have been filled with emotions I haven't felt in a while only to be sitting here reflecting on my current state of confusion. I am not ready. I'm not ready for anything other than this passionate lifestyle of self-love and self-discovery. Not only that but loving my kids and putting them before anything else. I'm loving my priorities right now and I allowed a small feeling to distract me from that ever so slightly which put me in a state of perplexity. What matters is me, my kids, and the people I can rely on. The people who are consistently there, my family. I have been thriving and growing more than ever in my entire life. I am in such a healthy place; leaving all things that do not serve me in the dust. Well, in all honesty I am trying to leave them in the dust and getting stronger at resisting the urge to give into the negativity. Being nice isn't about being nice to nice people. It's about loving your enemies. My son, Malachi, recently punched a kid in the stomach. This kid has been harassing him for the entire school year, on Friday, Malachi broke and took out his frustration in an unhealthy way. I explained to him that we cannot control what others do to us but how we react to them is what matters. BOOM, "eat your own words" I thought to myself. I have been struggling to let things go. To just fucking surrender. Sorry for the language but man is it hard. Forgiving is hard as shit but there are no excuses. Revenge isn't sweet it is soul damaging. It not only makes you feel like crap but it also makes you just as bad as the person who hurt you in the first place. I get caught up in putting this certain person in their place and it's so wrong. So wrong. I walked away for a reason. What I keep trying to remind myself of is: REMEMBER THE TRUTH and I will be set free of these burdens. I am enjoying learning how to not be codependent. That is what started all of this shit in the first place. Yet here I am reflecting on why I give a damn so much. Why I care if someone else cares. If they don't then whatever, LET IT GO. I think we feel so wronged by people but in all actuality we just need to be strong enough to not let others effect or make us question who we are or what we did wrong. I am not ready. I still need much more time in this phase of falling in love with myself. I've never done that before. People are so beautiful and amazing. It's hard to not be distracted. I will set my eyes upon my goals. All other things are hollow.

[balancingthisvessel-blog]

If you have been wanting to do something positive for yourself, whatever that may be… DO IT. Don’t let fear, anxiety, self-doubt, confidence, another person or time hold you back. It’s not about motivation there is no such thing as motivation. It’s about having the will to let go of your fears, break down your walls, push forward and take a leap of faith. Never let anything hold you back. Reach for your goals, excel at what you love and pour all of your energy into your passions. It might seem hard to do this because we have created bad habits of laziness, excuses and fear but surrender those bad habits in order to do what you love or to try something new. I have recently adopted the motto “Fearless, Honest and Relaxed.” Fearless in a sense of trying new things or following your intuition. Trying things that you would be scared to do normally or interacting with someone that you have rationalized yourself out of. Honest as in being honest with yourself about what is safe (not jumping out of a plane without a parachute, for example), what is right and what is wrong, what is true to you and only you. Relaxed.. take a deeeeeeeep breath… this mean not letting things worry you, being flexible, swaying but not breaking and not allowing your emotions to take over causing you to react irrationally. When you balance these three things it is amazing what you will try, what your mind can do, what your body can do, and what your heart will feel when you come out of your comfort zone. It’s simple…freedom. Bob Marley said “emancipate yourselves from mental slavery none but ourselves can free our mind.” We create the obstacles, we create the blocks, we create the fear and we create the self-doubt. Although these things will not all disappear in one moment of time; taking small actions every single day to choose consciously to exceed your so-called “limits” and to stretch your boundaries will then break bad habits and introduce new healthy habits where you are no longer held back by your mind and by fear.Today and every day moving forward do something that you’re not comfortable with. Challenge yourself to do what you want to do. No more excuses, reach out and discover new things. Explore the possibilities of life. Dig deep. Live life. Namaste friends. You are beautiful and are worthy of so many amazing things.

[balancingthisvessel-blog]

It is unreal to me the amount of love and support I have received in these last few weeks. People I would have never imagined are emerging and providing wisdom, support, love, and friendship. I am truly being given what I need to be strong and grow as much as possible during this pivotal moment in my life. I have been working on rooting down and figuring out what I need to thrive and be true to myself and it is amazing what beautiful things have come together to reassure that I am on the right path and making the correct steps. This moonstone necklace was handmade and gifted to me by my beautiful friend Stephanie. Nothing is more valuable to me than someone’s time. I am so grateful for the rich connections I have been making lately with the most beautiful people. Thank you so much Steph for so uniquely showing me love and support. Xoxo #lifeisbeautiful

[balancingthisvessel-blog]

Shedding layers

I have always heard and read about people getting emotional during yoga. Some get angry and leave the room or cry uncontrollably. I had never experienced this for myself until tonight. I went to my first yin/yang class this evening. I was thrilled to do this combo class because it was the first one I had been to and I love both flow and yin. The flow kicked my ass. It was brilliant. Such a unique practice. My muscles felt strong, my balance was fairly good considering some of the transitions and I just over all felt one with my body. Then came the yin to somehow blow the yang out of the water. Legs straight out in front of me, spine lengthened and bent over my legs and I was breathing very deeply. Then... BOOM. Something I have been dealing with came to the surface and instead of ignoring it I just sort of felt it. I wasn't really thinking to much but instead I just felt the emotions and man did I start crying. For a split second I thought to try to stop and control it but then... I just let myself go. I just cried. We transitioned into a different pose and I felt like I was okay but boy was I wrong. I began to breath and I just started balling again. Snot coming out of my nose crying. I was crying for around 9 min throughout 3 different poses. I could cry right now thinking about how I felt. How my emotions just flooded me and released. It was fucking beautiful. Sorry for the language but there is no other way to fully describe it. I have been suppressing a lot of things. Holding them in because I'm just not heard. Not heard by the one I need to be heard by. Tonight..  part of that released. I still have much more work to do. I can still feel resistance in me but the feeling of happiness that I had when laying in my final resting pose was unmistakable. The weight in my chest wasn't as heavy as when I arrived. This is the most beautiful practice I have ever experienced. I am still in awe. I have a lot of anger and resentment built up. It has been deteriorating my heart. I have been working hard to battle that. To let things go. This was the true beginning. I am so emotional right now. I am just now, tonight, beginning to let go of things that I wasn't sure I wanted to let go of. It's hard to forgive when you feel like that person got away with a lot of damage. Tonight was the real beginning of healing. I am still very angry but I am glad to have let go of the very small amount of anger and resentment that I did let go of tonight. I feel much more free. My pain has had so much control over my life and the way I react and treat people. I have so much love to give and it's been far too long since I have been able to love without refrain, without hesitation or worry about what might happen. I know I am still such a fierce lover, it's just been hidden under a lot of hurt and pain for a long time. I have started to shed the layers of my hardened heart tonight and shit it's hitting me like a ton of bricks. I'm so ready to be free again. There is so much work to do but I feel so much more in tune with myself already. I'm so grateful for my body and my mind and the surrendering that took place tonight. I will find myself again. I am on the right path and amazing things are happening in my heart. This probably reads like a scattered mess but I suppose it accurately depicts what is going on in my heart and mind right now. Anyways, cheers to shedding layers of pain and finding myself again. I'm thrilled.

[balancingthisvessel-blog]

See that smile on my face? That is what happens when I take care if myself.    . I have been imbalanced for quite some time now. Feeling like my life is this hopeless cycle of laundry, cleaning, dishes, work, kids, blah blah blah. I hated that. I hated feeling like that was my life. That my life had become some mundane bullshit Cinderella nightmare. I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy at all. And I kept seeking and waiting for answers. Last night I had a complete stranger turn my life around. I was reminded what makes me me. What I had lost in all the hustle and bustle of mom and wife life. I had forgotten CONNECTION. That smile on my face is because I was reminded in such a crazy way that I need to balance not only all the duties of being a wife and mom but the duty to myself and what I need to actually THRIVE. I forgot to set boundaries, hell I didn't even know I needed to set them. I forgot to take care, love and nurture myself above all other things because how can I be the best for anyone else if I am not thriving? Connecting with people through my passions is something that, today, I realized is absolutely vital to my happiness. I feel such deep joy in my heart right now. I am in a great mood. I am thinking clearly for once and I feel on the right path and not lost as all hell. Understanding what is vital to my happiness and never sacrificing it for anything is something I also learned today. Realizing that sacrificing my needs means I can't meet the needs of others. (I had the damn thing backwards for way too long). Being out here, laughing, talking, moving, sweating, and connecting with a friend was all it took. Just one simple yet effective action changed everything. I understand now what I had wrong all along. I had sacrificed who I am to be only a wife and mom. Having friends is something that I almost completely sacrificed when I got married. Not because I was forced to but because I wasn't intentional about carving out time from my day to make sure I was taking care of myself. Making sure my cup was full so I could then help fill others cups. I lost sight of myself and my importance thinking that all I was was a mess cleaning, dinner cooking, diaper changing machine. My role as a mother and wife is very important but I was so sucked into it that I lost sight of what I needed to be happy and I was hating my life. My friend Beth spoke of boundaries, the stranger Warren reminded me of connection and now I am connecting the dots to create and understand what it is I need to be the best version of myself. The actual, set in stone, these will never change, and if I don't stay diligent, I will fall back into unhappiness things that I need in my life to thrive. I never knew I needed these things. I don't know why. I've always just flown by the seat of my pants. I can't do that anymore. I need to schedule things into my crazy beautiful mess of life in order to stay charged and stay focused. I can't believe what a difference one day made for me being out with a beautiful friend doing the things that we love and talking about important things. I feel like obstacles are being lifted and I already feel much more balanced. Balance I have been searching for for over a year now. My first boundary I have come to discover is: I have to have time with friends. Not just mindless hanging out but  engaging deep connecting time with friends doing something I love. At least once a week. I feel such a fog of confusion lifted. I am crying. I've been waiting for this for so long. I have been searching in all the wrong places instead of opening my heart and patiently waiting for it to present itself. I am happy. So happy right now.

[balancingthisvessel-blog]

This evening I went out for a bite to eat. I hadn’t eaten in 3.5 days due to being ill and felt the slightest bit hungry. After really feeling around for what I wanted I decided I wanted rice, black beans, Mexican style bowl. Chipotle. I’m driving there and miss the turn so on my way back I drive by Chili’s but continue on my route to Chipotle. As I continued to drive I began to think about how bright and cold and uncomfortable Chipotle is to eat at. It’s just not the low light, warm, I want to put my headphones in, read a good book and enjoy a little nourishment sort of atmosphere so I say “screw it, I’ll just got to Chili’s.” So I pull in the parking lot and head in. It was a busy Saturday night, as expected, so I proceeded to go to sit at the bar. I sit down, make myself comfortable, order an iced tea and my yummy Mexican bowl I was craving, pop my headphones in, turn on Gregory Alan Isakov and start to read my book. About 2 pages later a guy plops down at the bar and right away I sensed good vibes, confidence, and an outgoing nature. I didn’t look at him I just kept reading. A few minutes later I take out one of my headphones to ask the bartender for a pen, realized they were right in front of me, grabbed one, wrote down some notes and forgot to put one of my headphones back in. A few moments later and the guy next to me says “is that book really what it says it is?” I say “yeah, it’s called Be Nice Or Else and it’s about just that, being nice.” Boom conversation starts. We talk about rationality vs emotion, balance, men, women, where imbalance was derived from, chakras, yoga and even where homosexuality comes from. He wasn’t hitting on me not in the least bit not even for a second. We were purely connecting and having an intelligent conversation. As our conversation came to an end we shook hands, parted ways and I left feeling hopeful, energized, happy and contemplative. I was amazed at every action that had to take place today in order for me to meet this stranger sitting at the bar in Chili’s. I chose to go there instead of Chipotle and all of the BS that happened today to cause me to be on that side of town at that particular time. I’m in shock still. It was such a rich experience really actually connecting with someone. Not only was this person talking to me but they were on a level that I was on. They understood. (A lot of people look at you weird when you talk about chakras. Haha) I’m still trying to fully understand what this interaction meant to me. It meant the world. I haven’t connected with someone through conversation in a long time. This wasn’t romantic in anyway. Just pure connection to another human being. . It was at least a reminder that I need more connection with people that share passions with me. I have been so emotionally up and down for this past year that, besides work, I haven’t been around a lot of people. I haven’t connected. It was a reminder to reconnect. To find others that I can share passions with. I am such a social person and I have suppressed that part of me. I have been so imbalanced in that aspect of my life. Denying myself something that is so unmistakably a huge part of me. I was given a missing piece to the puzzle tonight and I am crying about it. I’ve been searching and waiting for answers and here it was right in front of me. Presented in such a chaotic time in my life. I am so grateful for this person and their words and their mind. This was so surreal to me. Life changing. They might not ever know but they reminded me to root myself back down into community and deep connection. Not just meaningless interaction. I am grateful for you Warren. Wherever you are man. Thanks for being you. You changed my world.

[balancingthisvessel-blog]

Over a year ago at work I met an amazing yogi named Beth. She is a slender, middle aged woman with a very humbling presence. I began talking to her one day and she has become some what of a mentor to me over the past year. Her knowledge and gracious personality is such an inspiration. Anyways, I’ve been struggling with some things. Figuring out how to tactfully express myself and create boundaries has been something I have been thinking about non stop for the past 2 days. I’ve been feeling rather lost as to how to productively move forward and just as I felt like giving up along comes Beth to enjoy a relaxing dinner at CPK (California pizza kitchen). I asked her how I can balance out. I’ve been very critical and judgemental for a while now and I needed to break the cycle. We chatted for a while and then things got a little less vague and more personal. I needed some guidance. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with my roll as a new"ish" wife, mother of 3, as well as balancing the laundry, cleaning, dishes, school schedules, work, finances, and the ultimate task of finding some time in the day to love myself. She was able to really shed some light on my situation and it was unreal how parallel our marriages seems to be at the moment. Here I have been admiring this woman for her and all of her wonderfulness and I find out she is human. That she is relatable. That we can connect. She told me some of the things she really wish she would have established at the beginning of her marriage and the things she wish she would have spoke up about and I got goosebumps. I have been feeling needy, crazy, and unworthy lately but man did she help me realize that there is some validity to all of our feelings. Figuring out the truth and what I really need to make this life work vs what is being just being out of balance and taking things a little to far. She recommended I focus on gratitude practices and “turn things around” any negative thought I need to see differently. See it, recognize it, and take what is valuable from it and release the rest. I guess my first thing I am grateful for on this gratitude journey is Beth. I’ve never had a mentor before. I am so grateful for the connection we made tonight I could cry. #connection #advice #gratitude #benddontbreak #yogaeverydamnday #yogainspiration

[balancingthisvessel-blog]

I just want to be me. I want every part of my body to be strong, Not too strong, I am trying to achieve balance. I want to be the purest form of myself. What that looks like people can only help guide me to. I am the only one in charge of me. I am the author of only one vessel & it is this one right here. That hits me to the core. It encourages me to, every day, love myself first. Not in a selfish way. In a romantic way. I want to love myself so much that I can love everyone around me & trust my path. Love is the ultimate goal here. It will always triumph. It is the greatest challenge but the ultimate adventure. It is life giving.