ballumsecretvalentine

[ballumsecretvalentine]

annnnnnd that’s it! we’re done — just in time for eastenders, of course! thank you so, so much to everyone who participated, today wouldn’t of been the happy, brilliant day it was without all of you. and thank you to everyone who supported the celebration!! we really hope you enjoyed today as much as we did.

until next time, happy valentine’s day ✨✨ xx

[ballumsecretvalentine]

ballum playlist for the wonderfully amazing @halfsway - a lil extra gift to say thanks for all your help <33 [listen here]

lost - dermot kennedy / cant do without you - caribou / angels - the xx / changing tides - the fray / call you up - viola beach / i’ll be there - jess glynee / wildfire - seafret / you & i - RHODES / shine - jack cullen / take on the world - you me at six / let me in - skinny living / just you and i - tom walker / into you - ariana grande / take me to church- hozier / baby i’m yours - arctic monkeys / i don’t want to change you - damien rice / magic - coldplay / talk too much - COIN / move together - james bay / stop the world i wanna get off with you - arctic monkeys / someone to stay - vsc / feathery - milky chance / talk tonight - oasis / kiss - pale waves

[ballumsecretvalentine]

Rainfall

TW: minor self harm, panic attacks, mentions of PTSD - happy Valentine’s Day @smugfacebitchell x

Callum can’t stop pacing.

He had a restless night, tossing and turning so much he was scared he was going to wake Ben up. ‪At 5am‬ he decided to give up on sleep and try and find some solace in the living room. Sit by the window, maybe make a cup of tea and watch the rain fall. That didn’t happen.

Instead, he was in his head. Pacing, digging his fingernails into the palm of his hands, having difficulty breathing. Maybe he should have taken his pills. He thought he was doing better, he thought there was no reason for him to keep on having his pills but that’s not how it works. Ben would be angry if he found out, he always asks; you feeling okay? You sure? You taking your pills? He would ask and Callum wouldn’t be able to lie, and then they’d get into a fight and Callum doesn’t think he has the energy for that.

It was the kidnapping that had triggered it, although he knows now he’s had it a long time before that, he just didn’t want to admit it.

He didn’t seek any help, he was handling it on his own. It wasn’t until he had an episode in the middle of the night, that was only resolved by Ben hugging him tightly from behind and breathing with him that he got help. Ben had asked him, with tears in his eyes to go to the GP and he did.

He was trying to regulate his breathing by taking in deep breaths but nothing seems to be working and he was getting himself more worked up at the fact that he can’t calm himself down.

It wasn’t until he felt hands snake around his waist that he felt like he was finally grounded. Callum’s hand went on Ben’s, but his breathing was still irregular. Ben kisses Callum’s shoulder lightly.

“On the floor, babe,” Ben said softly, “just like before, yeah?”

Ben sat on the floor, his back hit the sofa and he spread his legs so Callum can sit in between them. Callum slowly sat down and Ben but his arms around his waist and rested his hands on his chest. Ben drapes his front across Callum’s back and started to breath in deeply.

“When I take a deep breath you take in a deep breath and then we breath out together okay?” Ben whispered “Just like before.”

Callum didn’t say anything, jus nodded his head slightly and Ben gripped him as tight as he could, taking in deep, regulated breaths to help Callum calm down.

When most people are having a panic attack, they like to be left alone. Someone holding onto them can make them feel claustrophobic, like they can’t get there breath back.

Callum realised he liked to be held. He liked to be talked down and Ben was more than happy to do anything he can for his boyfriend.

“C’mon Callum, just breath with me,” Ben said, stroking his hand up and down his chest. He breathed in deeply, making sure he felt Callum’s chest rise and fall. It took a while, but Callum’s breathing was soon regulated and he dipped his head back so it was in the crook of Ben’s neck.

Ben kissed Callum’s exposed neck and they stayed there for a while, just staring back into space before Ben spoke up.

“I know,” Ben said slowly, his voice more worried than angry. “I know you haven’t been taking your medication.”

“Ben…”

“It’s okay,” Ben says “I mean, it’s not, you should be taking your pills. What I meant was, it’s okay that you’re struggling, you’ve been through so much it’s—”

“I’m weak,” Callum said, his voice a little croaky “I should’ve have stopped but I thought I was getting better, I thought—”

“You are getting better,” Ben says, bringing his hand up to run through Callum’s hair. “It’s a process, Callum, you’ve been through a lot, you can’t expect to get better just like that.”

Callum says nothing, stares into space, blank. Ben kisses him on the forehead and then pats his arm. “You go sit by the window, I’ll bring you over a cup of tea, okay?”

Ben makes two cups of teas and brings it over to Callum. Callum is staring out the window, watching the rain fall. He hears Ben before he sees him and turns around to face him. Ben gives Callum a small, sad, smile and Callum face drops, tears well in his eyes.

“Oh, baby,” Ben says softly, putting down the mugs and taking Callum’s face in his hands. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“I didn’t want to be a hassle,” Callum says through the tears, and Ben shakes his head, uses his thumbs to whip away the tears.

“You’re never a hassle, don’t you ever think that,” Ben sits down next to him. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologising?”

“Because this is all my fault,” Ben let out a little chuckle “I wasn’t lying when I said you deserve better than me.”

“It’s not your fault, I’ve been feeling like this for a long time.” Callum gives Ben a weak smile. “And I couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend, even with all your baggage.”

“Shut up,” Ben says, giving him a little shove. “How about we finish our cup of tea and go back to bed and have a little cuddle.”

“I’d like that,” Callum says. “How about a cuddle now?”

Ben smiles and turns his back to Callum so his back hits Callum’s chest. Ben turns his head and gives him a chaste kiss on his cheek, then on his nose and lastly on his lips.

“I love you, ya know that, right?” Ben whispers against his lips and Callum gives him a chaste kiss.

“I know, I love you too.”

[ballumsecretvalentine]

Naked

Ben Mitchell and Callum Highway Valentine’s Day fic for @mitchell-highways​. Title taken from James Arthur - Naked (Ballum indeed) 

It’s almost Valentines Day for Ben and Callum. The first one that they will share together and Ben is adamant that he wants to make it special. Sometimes special isn’t a million different plans or luxurious gifts, sometimes it’s just family.

Ben hates Valentine’s day. That’s what he tells anyone that will listen. Its overpriced and commercialised and if he wanted to tell Callum he loved him, he would do it with words, not a teddy bear holding a heart that speaks when you press its paw.

The thing is, he hasn’t actually told Callum he loves him yet and as much as he wishes he could, he is finding it almost impossible to get the words out. It doesn’t feel like anything will be enough. And even though Callum knows, he knows that he needs to tell him. The longer he leaves it the bigger it feels and the harder it gets.

“Don’t make plans for tomorrow night by the way,” He shouts to Callum as he is just about to sneak off out.

“You don’t want me to make plans on February 14th?” He asks with a smirk “Ben Mitchell are you asking me to be your Valentines?”

“No, I’m not!” he scoffs, which is code for yes, I am, please don’t make fun of me.

“Fine, if you don’t ask me properly then maybe I’ll just have to make plans with someone who actually wants me to be their Valentine!” He tells Ben, quickly nipping back over to the bed to give him a kiss on the forehead and winking at him before he hurries back off.

He loves him. Like, he really loves him. He knows there aren’t enough words in the world to express that.

Callum changed his life. He has made him want to be better. He has made him think about his future and how badly he wants things to work out for Lexi. He has made every bad thing he has ever done seem redeemable somehow.

Ben is scared. Scared that when he tells him he loves him, Callum is, for some reason, going to decide that’s the point he wants to run away and he doesn’t think he can handle it.

He knows how he feels when Callum tells him he loves him though, that weird fluttery feeling he gets. The one that takes over his whole body. If it’s the same for Callum, he knows he has nothing to worry about. But what if he changes his mind? Decides that Ben, after all, isn’t worth all the fussing and fighting. He isn’t worth all the stress that being with Ben Mitchell brings with him.

He has to bite the bullet though, get it out there, say the words and deal with anything else that comes with it because its Callum. His Callum.

He had plans, loads of them. So many that Lola told him he was going a bit too over the top and to tone it done a little. He didn’t, of course he didn’t. He wanted Callum to have the sickliest, cheesiest, over the top Valentine’s Day ever. He wanted him to remember it for the rest of his life… or at least until Ben can think of something to top it.

Callum is the sort of guy that loves the cheesy romance. The softness of the day and everything that it is supposed to be. It’s just his thing, it might not be Ben’s but that isn’t the point of it all right now.

So he had booked a hotel room, because no matter how many times his mum tells him she will make herself scarce, he didn’t quite believe that she would be able to stop herself from sticking her head into the kitchen a million times to ask how it’s going and if they needed anything.

So they will check in, freshen up – which is code for get filthy in the shower, of course. And then head out for dinner and some overpriced awful restaurant. They will eat by candlelight and hold hands over the table. All that shit that you see in films that Ben didn’t believe was actually real until he met Callum.

“Daddy!!” He hears in a voice way too loud for this time of the morning as he walks into the kitchen

“Lex, babe, remember when we spoke about inside voices?” He asks with a laugh as he crouches down to her level so she can throw her arms around him, the same way she does every morning

“Sorry,” She mumbles “I’m just really excited, mum bought me a new dress and grandad sent me some money to buy those pink glittery shoes that we saw last week,” her level of excitement is something Ben can never get over.

She has the snarkiness of both Ben and Lola combined, she is grumpy and stroppy on top of that. But she is strong willed and excitable and she just loves life. Ben sometimes finds himself being a little jealous of how care free she is, wishing he was that age again himself.

Then again, he isn’t sure he has ever been anywhere near as happy as Lexi is and he only hopes that it stays that way. The one thing he wants more than Callum, is to make sure she has everything she has ever wanted or needed in life.

“What are you excited for then?” He asks

“For tomorrow!” She says with a sigh, like he already should have known

“Lexi Pearce, do you have yourself a date?” He asks acting shocked with a slight mocking tone

“No!” She rolls her eyes “Boys are awful!”

“That’s right!” He tells her “Let’s keep it that way until you’re at least 40 ok?”

“Does that mean you’re 40 then?” She asks in a way that tells Ben she knows exactly what she is saying. Clever.

“No, but I’m different!” He points out “So come on, why you so excited?”

“Because you are taking me to that show, remember?” He feels his heart sink.

Yes. Yes, now he remembers.

He and Callum hadn’t been talking and at that point he honestly didn’t see it getting better any time soon. He had hired someone to kill and actual man and he didn’t think Callum was just going to forgive him. The last thing he wanted was to spend Valentine’s Day say at home alone, wondering why his life was just a series of fuck ups one after the other. He had seen a community centre across town showing a local production of Sleeping Beauty.

“Ah,” He says slowly, sitting up in the chair “Small problem with that,” she comes and sits down at the table and his heart breaks. She looks at him like he hung the moon and the stars, her little face genuinely looks happy. She actually likes spending time with him. She is the one person that doesn’t know what sort of monster he is, the one person that loves him in the most in the world and there is no way he can let her down. Not after he has spent so much of his life doing that already.

So instead he is going to have to have this exact conversation with Callum. Which is going to be like kicking a fucking puppy.

“I think that maybe your mum wanted to go with you!” He tries

“She doesn’t, she said that she is going out because she never gets to anymore,” and that sounds like Lola knew that Ben was going to try and back out – planting words in their daughters head.

“Ok, ok,” He says slowly “Would you mind if it wasn’t just the two of us then?”

“But I wanted to us to go and eat a load of chicken nuggets afterwards, you’re the only person who ever lets me,” She says, crossing her arms over her chest. Wow. He isn’t coming off as the parent of the year right now.

“Well Callum can eat more chicken nuggets than me so he can help you!” He tells her

“It’s Callum that you want to come?” She uncrosses her arms

“Yeah, is that ok? He likes a good princess story does Callum.”

“I like Callum,” Is all she says, jumping off the chair and he doesn’t know why but it does something to him. He hasn’t exactly hid Callum from her, he just isn’t sure exactly how much she understands. He knows she isn’t stupid. She is way older than her years, he just didn’t know if she knew. “I can save the money grandad sent me and we can get some ice cream too.” She tells him.

His heart grows a million sizes. He must be doing something right.

“It’s ok princess, I will buy the ice cream, you go with your mum and get the shoes,” She throws her arms around him once more and he swears he almost cries.

Now he just has to convince Callum to spend the most romantic night of the year with him and Lexi while they watch what will probably be an awful production of Sleeping Beauty, rather than everything else he had planned. Brilliant.

He takes his time getting ready, literally dragging his feet as he grabs his keys. Of course it’s the one time he has made an actual effort that’s blown up on his face. Of course it is.

He sighs for what seems like the millionth time on the short journey to Cokers. He just stares at the door not really sure what it is he is going to say, he’s already had Lexi’s disappointed face today, he isn’t sure how he’s going to deal with Callum’s too.

He smooths his hands down the front of his jacket before he steps inside, he doesn’t even know why he is so nervous. Callum gets that Lexi is his priority. He’s never questioned that.

“Did I forget something?” Callum asks him when he spots him at the door, his brow furrowed and well, that’s not like a normal welcome that Ben is used to.

“Hello to you too,” Ben says with a smirk

“Sorry, I’m really busy, did you need something?” He asks, barley looking Ben in the eye and he can’t be having that.

“Can you stop for one second I just wan-“

“What, Ben? What do you want?” He snaps, appearing to realise exactly what he was done once he has done it. He sighs, throwing the papers in his hands down onto the desk. “I’m sorry, I’m just really snowed under and I promised Jay I would have this lot done!”

“And where is Jay exactly?”

“He’s at the car lot but he was supposed to be here helping me, apparently something come up and I said I could handle it,” he tells Ben who steps a little closer, leaning against his desk “and I can’t.”

“You can. I know you. You’re Callum fucking Highway and you can handle anything.. and I’m not just saying that so you do that thing with your tongue again,” he waggles his eyebrows “I genuinely mean it!”

“Yeah but you say that about everything. You’d tell me I could fly a plane if I said I wanted to,” Callum laughs, ignoring the rest of Ben’s comment, the light shade of pink that is currently on his cheeks though tells Ben it didn’t go amiss

“Because I believe you could fly a plane if you wanted to… granted you’d need all that training and stuff first but you would look hot in the uniform!”

“Did you just come here to flirt with me?” He asks, the small smile creeping a little further onto his face

“Well, if I can’t flirt with my Valentine, then who can?”

“You haven’t asked me yet!” Callum points out

“Callum Highway, will you be my Valentine?” Ben asks, a little flare of drama added by the jazz hands his throws out at the same time, making sure the smile that was slowly getting bigger creeps to full capacity.

“I don’t know ya know, I’ve had a few other offers! What are your plans for me?” Ben’s face drops and it must be noticeable because Callum stands a little straighter “I thought you said you wanted me to be free tomorrow night?” He scratches the back of his neck and he looks embarrassed and a little nervous

“I did! I had all these plans and I swear that I will shift them all and we will go on Saturday, I promise!”

“Sooo, you don’t want to spend Valentine’s Day with me?”

“I do! Cal, I really, really do! I just might have double booked myself,” he says and the words just don’t sit right in the air and it’s only once he sees Callum’s face does he realise the way it sounds.

Callum doesn’t say anything and Ben can’t get his words out. He is fumbling around in his pockets for the tickets, Lexi had drawn Callum his own ticket while he was getting ready so he would have one to bring before Ben could pick up the other.

He hands him the ticket, still unable to get any words out, for fuck sake, he is Ben Mitchell!! Talking peoples ears off is what he does!

“I don’t know what this is,” Callum tells him as he looks down at the picture

“I mean she wants very clear with me either if I’m honest, but I’m her dad and I’m supposed to understand her drawings! I know that’s you,” he says pointing down to one of the drawings “I think that’s me, that’s definitely a princess, which would make that Lexi!”

“Ok?”

“It’s a ticket,” Ben tells him “I had forgotten that I promised to take her to see Sleeping Beauty and it’s tomorrow night! If you would like to come with us, then Lexi has made you your own ticket, if you don’t it’s fine and I complete understand if you don’t want to spend Valentine’s Day with me and Lex- umph!” He is cut off by Callum’s lips on his own.

His hands move to the side of his face. It’s a kiss with his full force, it’s not exactly passionate or romantic but it feels a little more. It feel distinctively like love and Ben can’t help but feel it in every part of him.

It’s at that moment that he realises that it’s never really mattered when he has told Callum he loves him because it’s never going to be big enough. He is never going to be able to find a way to tell him he loves him that encompasses everything he feels. He spent a long time running away from feeling anything only to find Callum and feel everything.

“I would love to spend my Valentine’s Day with the two of you. Thank you for including me.” He tells Ben. Like he would even want to arrange a single thing that didn’t include him. Their lips are barely parted and he can feel every word that Callum says.

“I love you.” The words feel deafening in the silence of the small room.

He can feel Callum smile against his own lips, both of his hands now cupping Ben’s face.

“Say it again, please.”

“I love you, Callum.”

Callum sighs into his mouth just as he kisses him but it’s a different sigh this time. It’s more a sigh of being content than anything else and Ben feels weird.

It’s a good weird though, it’s like a million feelings mixing with a million realisations. He feels good here with Callum. It feels right. It feels like home.

Callum is the home he’s wanted for so long. The one he has craved and fought for. The one he has pretended not to need when he was on the edge and barely holding on. Callum and Lexi. They are his family and that is all he will ever need.

“I should just point out,” Ben says, unable to stop himself from spoiling the moment “you’re going to have to eat a shit load of chicken nuggets!” The laugh that comes from Callum sits in his chest for a long time.

[ballumsecretvalentine]

Happy Valentines Day @shipsinthenightlove 💖

[ballumsecretvalentine]

Secret Valentine

Pre-fic note: This is for @yorit1. Happy Valentines! I did my best at writing a teen fic. Hope you like it. Please let me know what you think when all is revealed. It is not finished bc the one shot accidentally turned into a multishot whoops. So I will upload the rest to AO3 once it is written.

Water Fountain

Ben Mitchell knew he was gay before he even knew what the word meant. He also knew it was bad. Very bad and whether his dad knew or not, he would never be his favourite child.

Even when he hid it, there was nothing that he could do that would make his father proud, only recently had he learnt how to throw a punch, a vital skill to learn when you’re a Mitchell. Since learning that skill he would go round, cursing anyone who said anything bad about him or his family. Most people in sixth form hated him, with good reason, but at least he was trying his damnedest to make his dad happy.

So maybe, he did all he could to please him. Maybe he got in fights, maybe he was on the verge of being kicked out of school. And, Maybe the only way his dad could respect him is if he had a child. And maybe when Lola came on to him, he didn’t exactly turn her down, wasn’t even too shocked when he found out she was carrying his baby. Just another way to hide his secrets.

But he couldn’t hide it for long, that’s the problem with secrets like this. It’s impossible to keep them and eventually you get too tired of pretending, and as soon as you let go, start to let yourself act in certain ways, that’s when it gets too difficult to hide. His friends were suspicious.

“Hey, Ben?” Lola asked one day in free period, “are you gay?… It don’t matter, you know. I won’t tell no one.”

Ben bad been hiding it for years, denying the rumours as soon as anyone got remotely suspicious, he wasn’t about to start telling the truth now. Not when he’d got this far. Not even if it would help Lexi in the long run, he had way too much to loose and only one thing to gain from people knowing.

“What makes you say that Lo? Was I that bad?” Ben questioned,

“No, you weren’t but i saw the way you were looking at that new kid,” Lola replied, referring to the tall blonde guy that had just walked into the common room and taken a seat on one of the plastic chairs that had been set out for assembly.

Ben couldn’t even deny it, the guy had intrigued him. Maybe he wasn’t ready to admit to quite what it all meant but he knew he had to introduce himself.

Callum Highway didn’t know who he was, he had never had an interest that he didn’t have to hide. Stuart always warned him that he had to keep secrets, and he knew what the consequences were, although he rarely experienced them, his brother stepping between him and his father.

By the time he moved to the Square, Stuart was his main guardian. He was okay with that, mostly old enough to look after himself.

And he was excited. Excited to start fresh, finally learn about who he was properly, figure out his interests, hopefully get a girlfriend, just get a chance to experience life without any fear.

He was excited, that’s the main emotion he was feeling when he walked into that common room and took a seat by himself.

[ballumsecretvalentine]

You and I will rise again

Dear @yasisworld, here is my gift to you! we've actually spoken before so I know what a kind and lovely person you are. i've tried to make something that fits your taste, i hope you like it! <3 Happy Valentine's day.

He’s taken a huge risk.

One that could cost him everything. But if asked, he’d do it again in a heartbeat.

Ben approaches it over dinner.

“Are you… are you doing okay?” He can hear the desperation in his own voice. Talk to me, please just talk to me. Callum pauses, face flickering with caution, then a quick unconvincing smile plastered on it, as if that’s enough to distract Ben from the cracks appearing everywhere. “Yeah ‘course, why?” Callum shakes his head incredulously at Ben, and if Ben didn’t know Callum any better he’d be pissed off and hurt that Callum is hiding something from him, something so big that Callum feels he can’t even share it with Ben. But Ben does know him. Also, he’s the last person who should be criticizing others for not opening up and talking.

“Because,” Ben says, setting his fork down and reaching over to grab Callum’s hand, “I can tell you’re not well.” Callum’s lip trembles, and his eyes fill, a shiny layer covering all that blue, and Ben can feel his heart twisting in his chest at the sight. He rubs his thumb over the back of Callum’s hand, trying to maintain a calm and caring exterior, despite the growing uneasiness in his stomach. Something’s wrong.

Callum bites the inside of his lip in a futile attempt to hold back the tears that fall down in thick droplets anyway. His voice creaks and wobbles as he speaks. “It’s my dad.”

Ben’s quick to set the plates aside and return from the kitchen with two cups of tea, the two of them now on the sofa. “He’s been contacting me,” Callum says, fingers tightly clenched around his mug, thumb running over the ear in an almost mechanical way that makes Ben think he doesn’t realise he’s doing it. Callum opens his mouth again to speak but there’s no air left so he gulps, and then cowers, face crumbling, and Ben takes the mug away and pulls him in, one arm around his waist and the other coming up to hold the back of his head. Callum’s body shakes and trembles against him, sobs wanting to burst out, and Ben tells him to let it go.

It’s not news to Ben that Jonno’s a dick, he’s had first row tickets to that shitshow, but there’s something about how intensely upset Callum is that makes the knot of worry inside Ben rattle, and Ben hates seeing Callum like this. The usual bright eyes and wide grins are hidden, and they’ve been like that for a while now.

After a few minutes of sitting together, Ben whispering that they’re okay, that everything will be okay - he’ll fucking make sure of it - and smoothing his hands over Callum’s back, kissing his shoulder and squeezing his own arms around his frame, Callum pulls back and sits up again, rubbing his hands in his red-rimmed eyes. He takes a few deep breaths, trying to steady himself but he gasps every now and then, eyes watering. Ben simply grabs Callum’s hand and holds it, places both of them on his thigh and waits.

“My dad, he’s, he’s been reaching out to me,” Callum says eventually, voice getting less shaky as he goes on. Ben tightens his grip on Callum’s hand slightly, trying to ignore the dread slowly trickling in. “Not a few friendly postcards, I take it,” Ben says dryly, and Callum looks at him for a moment with those sad droopy eyes, and shakes his head. He’s not just sad though, Ben realises when he really looks. He’s hurt, and scared.

“At first he would text a couple of times, wanted to know how I was, and I tried to be civil, y'know,” Callum shrugs, a weak and defeated lift of his shoulders, “he’s my dad. But then he kept going on about how he should move to Walford, make sure I get back on the straight path,” he glances quickly at Ben, who can feel the discomfort grow in his own body, can see the way Callum’s frame is slumped and small, cowering like a small child being yelled at, the knot in between his eyebrows.

“Every time I blocked his number he’d get a new one and contact me again,” Callum sniffs, wiping the back of his hand under his nose. Something clicks in Ben’s brain. “Wait, is that why you changed your number a month ago?” Callum nods at him, and Ben frowns. “He,” Callum starts again, voice cracking but he wills himself to push through, clearing his throat, “he got in contact again, and I didn’t understand how, because I had changed my number, and there was no way he could know what my new number was."

At that moment Callum breaks again, tears flowing freely, not the sobbing from before, fueled by an emotional peak, but a silent stream of tears, and Ben has never seen Callum like this.

"But he called, and it really was him,” Callum says, and he pauses, chest shooting up every now and then as his breathing becomes irregular, “and when I asked him how he got my new number, he told me he got it from Stuart."

Ben’s head snaps to the side, disbelief in his eyes as he looks at Callum. I’ll kill him. He swallows once, knowing what Callum needs right now is comfort, not to be confronted with his boyfriend’s homicidal tendencies.

"I didn’t even know Stuart was talking to your dad?” Ben says.

“Neither did I,” Callum says, huffing a humorless laugh, “but Jonno’s been worming his way into his head. When I confronted Stuart with it, he was completely convinced my dad wants to make amends, start over, become a proper father again.” Ben scoffs, and Callum gives him a look of sympathy. “He’s got him wrapped 'round his finger Ben,” Callum says, pressing his lips together to stop himself crying, “he wants to ruin my life all over again and I don’t know how to stop it."

Ben sighs, long and slow. He turns sideways so he’s facing Callum, scooting a bit closer and leaning in, grabbing Callum’s face with both hands. Ben’s thumb runs under Callum’s eye to wipe away a few tears, drying lines already down his cheeks. Callum’s eyes track his movement, as Ben uses one hand to brush a few hairs back out of Callum’s eyes. "You,” Ben says, holding Callum’s head in his hands again, thumbs running over the ridges of bone in Callum’s ears, fingers gently tugging on the soft skin on the edge, on his earlobe, “you don’t have to do anything.”

Ben can feel the anger boiling in his gut, wanting to bubble all the way up and spill over, but he catches Callum’s eyes and sees the fear, and gives him a soft smile instead. “I’ll take care of it,” Ben says, leaning in to place a chaste kiss on Callum’s lips, “I promise."

He doesn’t wait around. That same night, when Callum’s lying in the bath that Ben has run for him, he texts a few of his regular contacts, orders them to find out where Callum’s dad is holed up.

Ben’s not planning on outsourcing the whole thing; he’s learnt from how that went last time. Besides, this couldn’t be more personal.

He thinks about paying Stuart a little visit but then thinks better of it. Stuart is blind to Jonno’s manipulation tactics, and there’s a risk of Stuart getting suspicious and blabbing to Jonno; Ben can’t have that.

Everyone just needs to keep their cool.

His contact gets back to him a week later. Jonno’s near. He’s been staying on friends’ sofa’s, moving from one place to another, gradually getting closer Walford. Ben keeps one person on him, tracking Jonno’s every move. He doesn’t do much during the day other than trips to the shops for beer, and meeting Stuart once a week.

By the time Ben’s gotten his hands on a gun, his head starts to spin a little bit. He’s normally not one to waver in moments like these, but he can’t help it. This is Callum’s dad. But he’s seen what bad fathers do. Callum’s still not sleeping well, eating a lot less than before, and when he comes home from work he’s completely exhausted, unable to do anything.

Ben sits with him on the sofa, the night before, Callum’s head on his chest as Ben pets his hair. Something’s on the telly but Ben doesn’t think either of them are paying attention. "Tired?” Ben asks, pressing a kiss to the top of Callum’s head. Callum hums in response. It’s quiet for a few moments, and then, “Stuart came to see me again.” Ben makes sure he doesn’t freeze, but keeps petting over Callum’s hair. “Yeah, what about?” Callum shrugs against him. “Wanted to know how I was. Didn’t take him long to bring up dad though."

Ben presses his lips together. Callum isn’t like this, this quiet and small, like there’s no point to anything anymore. He misses the wide grins, going out for drinks together with their friends or taking Lexi out for a day. But Callum goes downstairs in the mornings to work at the undertakers and then walks upstairs again at the end of the day. Ben hasn’t commented on how Callum has gradually become scared to go outside, but he’s noticed it.

Then again, he gets it. Callum feels like his dad could be lurking around any corner. And with slowly building pressure coming from Stuart as well about needing to reconnect with his dad, Ben couldn’t be more convinced that he has to do this.

"He’s been getting into Stuart’s head about you and me,” Callum says quietly, sitting up to look Ben in the eye, “he keeps asking if I’m sure I’m happy with you, if this is what I want.” Ben grabs hold of Callum’s hand. “Are you happy with me?” Callum gives him a startled look, eyes getting shiny. “Yes of course Ben, why would you even ask-” Ben brings Callum’s hand to his mouth and presses a kiss to it.

“Then that’s all that matters."

The next morning, Ben goes out later than Callum, as usual. They have breakfast together, and Ben hugs Callum close before he leaves. "I’m proud of you,” Ben says, and Callum laughs lightly. “What for?” Ben shrugs, pulling Callum’s coat together, “just because.” Callum narrows his eyes at him, corners of his mouth turned up and then leans down to kiss him. “I’ll see you later, yeah?” Callum says, standing near the staircase, “call me if you need anything.” Ben nods at him, even though he won’t. “Yeah, I will."

When Ben comes home that night, Callum’s already there, curled up on the sofa. He lifts his head at the sound of Ben’s footsteps. “Hey.” Ben smiles at him. “Hey.” He notices the dark rings under Callum’s eyes as he gets a weak smile in return, and Ben doesn’t feel as bad about what he’s done. “How was work?” Ben says, shrugging off his coat and making his way over to Callum. “Yeah, fine,” Callum says as Ben sits down. He smiles at Ben again, more politeness than genuine emotion, and then turns his attention back to the telly. This, this is what Ben hates. The hollow, the empty that sits between them now because Callum doesn’t feel safe, not even in their own little pocket where they’re building their life together. He doesn’t feel like he can ever let his guard down. This is why Ben did it, and this is why he refuses to feel guilty.

In the weeks that follow, Callum gets his shine back, little by little. There’s colour in his cheeks again, the lights in his eyes turned back on. Ben has a flower for a boyfriend, and all he needed was a little sunlight. But you can’t get that when you’ve always got the curtains drawn, so afraid of the outside that you hide yourself away in an effort to protect yourself, protect the life you’ve worked so hard for. It changes things between them drastically, at home as well. There’s air again now, room to breathe. Callum occupies space instead of letting the space consume him. “D’you think Lexi would like to have a sleepover here some time?” Callum asks one night when they’re doing the washing up together. Ben laughs. “‘Course she would, she’d love that.” Callum’s eyes get wide as he hands Ben another plate. “We could get some of her favourite films, build her a fort with pretty lights, do it properly.” Ben pauses, gives him a pointed look. “Are you trying to become her favourite parent?” Callum flushes and rolls his eyes at Ben. “Shut up, I’m not her parent. Doesn’t mean I can’t do something nice though.”

Ben reaches past him to put the plate away. “You’re her parent as far as she’s concerned.” Callum looks at him. “You think?” Ben nods, flicking the tea towel over his shoulder. “She wants you involved in all the family stuff, because to her, you’re part of that circle.” Callum looks back down to the water again, corners of his mouth turned up in a secretive smile, and Ben takes the tea towel and lightly smacks Callum’s backside. “Soft.” Ben can’t remember the last time they had a conversation this light and airy, something warm and sentimental. They go out again, have drinks with Jay and Lola in the Vic, dinner at Kathy’s. They go shopping with Lexi and Callum lets her buy too much stuff, to Lexi’s delight. Callum’s the first to suggest going out and doing something when a sunny day comes along. Ben hears him laugh again, out loud, deep from his belly. He teases Ben just as much as the other way around; just the way Ben likes it. Callum gets flirty again, in the privacy of their own home, and Ben revels in the feeling of his hands on his hips as he comes to stand behind Ben, kissing at his neck as a laughing Ben swats him away but doesn’t let him get too far.

Things feel normal again.

It’s a few weeks later when it happens, maybe a month or so after the day.

Ben’s in the kitchen making them both a brew, Callum’s on the sofa. He’s talking about something funny Lexi said, in the middle of his story, when Callum interrupts him. “Ben,” Callum says, his tone of voice doing something weird, an immediate shift in the mood obvious, “I need to ask you something.” Ben takes the spoon out of the mug and brings them both over. “Okay, shoot.” Callum’s face does something funny when Ben says that, and he takes a few deep breaths. It takes him such a while to work up to it that Ben pats his knee a few times. “Go on, spit it out.” Callum sighs again, squeezing his eyes closed for a moment and then faces Ben. “Did you do something to my dad?” Now it’s Ben’s turn to sigh. He didn’t tell Callum, didn’t plan to. But he also promised himself that if Callum were to ask, he’d be honest.

Ben stands up and crouches down in front of Callum, facing him. “It’s just, I haven’t heard anything from him in weeks,” Callum says quietly, meeting Ben’s eyes every now and then, “and he just suddenly went quiet.” Ben swallows. “Not long after we talked about it,” Callum adds. Ben looks down at his knees for a moment and then back up, grabbing Callum’s hands and holding them. He has to do this. He had to do this. “I did. I took care of it.” The soft movements of Ben’s thumbs running over Callum’s hands are a stark contrast to the sinister meaning of his words. “I took care of him,” Ben breathes, “and I know you’re probably angry with me, but I couldn’t watch you struggle and suffer over that man anymore. He doesn’t get to ruin your life, not when you deserve so many good things.” He can’t actually read Callum’s face, and it’s terrifying. His entire relationship feels like it’s hanging by a thread. “You were so unhappy, and I knew there wasn’t anything else I could do, and I wish I could say I’m sorry, but the truth is, I’m not.” Callum blinks at him, hands still in Ben’s. Ben squeezes them. “Say something. Anything.” “Thank you,” Callum whispers, before leaning forward and placing his mouth on Ben’s, who’s so surprised he nearly gets knocked back, a small noise in the back of his throat. Callum paws at him, frantic suddenly, hands on either side of Ben’s face as he kisses him. Ben falls forward on his knees, now kneeling on the ground, and he winces slightly at the impact, hands on Callum’s arms as he puts some distance between them, foreheads pressed together. “You’re not angry? Or disappointed that I’m not the boyfriend you thought you had?” Ben says lowly in the small space between them. Callum pulls back then, eyes glimmering as he looks at Ben. “You are the boyfriend I thought I had, and you’re all I want, Ben.” Ben gives him a small smile, relief flooding his chest as he realises Callum isn’t turning him away. “I, I’m sure you have questions-” “No,” Callum answers immediately. “I don’t need to know.” Ben nods slowly. “Okay.” So Ben doesn’t tell him. Doesn’t tell him about how badly he hurt Jonno. About how he didn’t stick around to find out whether or not he’d survived the bullet wound. About how he’d screamed at him, told him to leave his son alone so he could finally be happy. About how, if he were to turn up again, Ben has made sure he will be the first to know. There’s nothing tracing it back to Ben, everything’s been wiped clean or gotten rid of. “Stuart’s gotten a message from him about how he’s decided to move away,” Ben says, “so maybe he’ll come around again in time, without someone whispering toxic bullshit in his ear.” Callum nods. “He won’t bother you anymore, it’s all over now,” Ben says, making sure Callum’s looking him in the eyes. “I love you,” Callum says, rushed, like he’s bursting with it, and Ben grins at him. There’s something close to awe in Callum’s eyes, like he can’t believe how far Ben is willing to go to protect him. “I love you too,” Ben replies before Callum pushes forward and kisses him again, lifting Ben from his crouched position and bringing him up, closer, sprawled over Callum’s lap. Ben shivers at Callum’s warm hand under his shirt, gliding over bare skin, and there’s nothing quite like being loved so unconditionally. Callum sees the best in him, but he also knows Ben would do anything to protect him. There’s no way Ben would have stood by, watched Callum wither away as his dad got closer and closer. Going to the police would have been pointless without evidence, and Ben doesn’t trust the old bill to get it right anyway. “I’m so glad I have you,” Callum whispers when he’s near Ben’s ear, placing small kisses down the side of Ben’s neck, and Ben uses both hands to grab Callum’s face, look him in the eyes. “Always.” “Always,” Callum echoes, before kissing Ben again. Everyone on the square has an opinion on him, Ben’s sure. They’ve made up their minds on whether or not Ben Mitchell is a good person. They’re not afraid to let him know either. But at the end of the day, there’s only a few opinions that actually matter. And things are good with him and Callum. Ben won’t let anything ruin that.

[ballumsecretvalentine]

Happy Valentines Day @babygaycal 💖

[ballumsecretvalentine]

HAPPY BALLUM VALENTINES DAY!!

Hiii @stillamess22 ️

I hope you are having a wonderful valentines day I wrote this ficlet for you and I hope you will like it!Xxxx - your Ballum secret Valentine️

This will be (an everlasting love)

"Where's Jay?"

Lola sat down on the beach chair next to Ben. "He's still at the villa, something about Stuart screwing up with a client, " she said, looking over to the shore line, searching for her daughter.

Last week Ben had booked the five of them (Ben, Callum, Jay, Lola and Lexie) a week away in a villa in Portugal. The beach only a five minute walk from said villa.

Lola smiles as she spots her daughter. She's searching and picking up seashells with Callum.

"He's good with her."

Ben follows Lola's gaze to his daughter and his boyfriend. They look excited about a seashell and Ben can't help but feel content by the scene in front of him.

Lexie had asked Ben to help her look for seashells ever since he told her they were going on a last minute vacation, yet Ben didn't feel like doing much.

Luckily for Ben, Callum offered to help Lexie.

"She adores him" Lola said as she layed down on the chair, making herself comfortable.

"Yeah?" Ben said as he glanced over at Lola for a moment. "Well she does take after her dad and all." he added with a smug smile.

Lola scoffed at Ben's comment, closing her eyes to take in the warmth of the sun.

"So, come on then, what do ya have planned?" Lola asked after a minute or two.

"Hm? What do you mean?" Ben asked as he also closed his eyes to take in the warmth of the sun.

"Uh you booked us this family vacation last minute. Insisting we all need it and paying a fortune." Lola said. "So you must have something big planned."

"Can't a guy just treat the people he loves on a vacation without there being any other reason behind it?"

"Sure ya can, but then again, I know you Ben." Lola said as she turned her head towards Ben, opening one eye because of the sharp sunlight. "And let's not forget you have had a right face ever since we arrived. So come on, spill."

Ben sighed, also turning his head to face Lola and opening his eyes.

"I wanna ask Callum to move in together, find our own place, one where I don't have to walk in on uncle lester and Rainie getting it on."

"So why bring me, Lexie and Jay along?"

Ben bit on the inside of his cheek before answering Lola. "Well, when I say our own place, I mean one with an extra room, ya know, for Lex."

"Ah." Lola said, nodding understandingly.

"Not that I wanna take her away from you or anything." he said, talking faster. "Just so she can stay over every now and then." Ben adds, sitting up.

Lola smiled as she noticed how nervous Ben actually looked. "I get it Ben."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah and I think it's a great idea." Lola said before adding, "Gives me and Jay also a bit of alone time ya know.", while winking at Ben.

Ben made a sound of disgust which made Lola just chuckle.

"I'm just not sure how Callum will feel about it though." Ben said, turning his gaze back to his boyfriend and his daughter. "having Lexie over a lot ya know?"

"Are you kidding?" Lola asked with a smile. "Look at them, Ben. I am sure Callum will be fine with it."

**

That evening Lola took Jay and Lexie to get some food. Giving Ben an oppertunity to talk to Callum.

"Looked like you and lexie were having fun today?" Ben said as he helped Callum set the table.

"Yeah, we found some amazing seashells, you really missed out!" Callum said smiling, placing a plate on the table.

"Yeah, you said so at the beach already." Ben said mumbling, unsure how to bring his question up.

Callum gave Ben a strange look. "Is something wrong?"

"Hm?" Ben said, looking at Callum.

"Well, it's just, you seem a bit distracted.." Callum said, putting the rest of the plates down while looking at Ben.

Ben shrugged. "Just a bit tired."

Callum chuckled lightly at that. "You spent most of the day half asleep on the beach, how can you possibly be tired? "

"Well, Babe, I was only half asleep."

"Ben." Callum said, looking like he saw right through Ben and his act. "Just talk to me."

Ben sighs, picking at his eye like there is something in there.

"Do you wanna move in with me?"

"We are practically already living together Ben." Callum said, looking amused.

"Yeah I know." Ben said loudly. "I just mean a place for ourselves, without your brother." then adding in a more softer tone, "and I dunno maybe with a room for Lexie?"

"Hang on." Callum said, walking up to Ben. "Is this what's been bothering you this whole time? You've been worried I wouldn't want Lexie to have a place with us?"

"Well.."

"Ben, It's not like I didn't anticipated for this, she's your daughter. I wouldn't ever wanna come between that." Callum said as he reached out to grab Ben's hand.

"So you would be fine with her staying over two or three days a week?"

"Ofcourse I would." Callum said with the biggest smile, which Ben couldn't resist to kiss.

"I love you, you know?" Ben said as he pulled away momentarily.

"I love you too." Callum replied before kissing Ben again.

"Oh come on boys." Jay said as he walked in on them, Lola and Lexie trailing behind him. "At least let us have dinner first. "

--Two months later.--

"Those boxes go in the kitchen." Ben said to Jay who was carrying two boxes on top of eachother. "and be careful, there's breakables in there."

"Why do I have to do all this heavy lifting?" Jay said annoyed as he placed the boxes down.

"Because Callum has his copper thing and I have to make sure you are placing the boxes at the right spot." Ben said smirking.

Jay rolled his eyes at Ben. "Well you have to do it on your own now bruv, cos me and Lo' haven plans."

Right on cue Lola walks in with Lexie.

"It's your night."

"Hang on, we are still moving in." Ben said sounding defensively.

"Yeah and Lexie can help you get settled." Lola said smirking. " Besides Jay carried most stuff inside already, all ya have to do is unpack."

"Have fun." Jay said, smirking before leaving the house with Lola.

A few hours later Callum walked into the house. He was surprised to see Ben and Lexie surrounded by boxes in the living room.

"Hey." Ben said, standing up and walking over giving Callum a chaste kiss. "Sorry, I know we had plans to do this together, but Lo.."

"It's okay, Ben." Callum said smiling, returning a chaste kiss to Ben's lips.

"Yeah?" Ben said smiling.

"Yeah."

Callum joined them in unpacking the last few boxes before ordering them some food.

Enjoying himself, Ben wondered why he was so worried about this in the first place.

"Daddy?" Lexie looked at Ben with big eyes.

"Yes, munchkin?"

"Now that you and Callum have your own house, can we get a puppy?"

[ballumsecretvalentine]

happy valentine’s day @lolapearce, i hope you have the most wonderful day and feel loved and appreciated like you deserve! here’s a little fic exploring callum’s grief for chris and how ben supports him through it! Xx

—-

i see everything can’t be,

i see the beauty that you can’t see,

on the nights you feel outnumbered,

i’ll be out there somewhere.

The week starts with Ben wrapped around Callum, Callum wrapped around Ben, in any which and every way.

Things seem normal at the beginning of the week. They appear that way, at least, on the surface. Beneath all that, beneath sunny smiles and quiet touches, Ben’s veins are bubbling and swelling constantly, heart shifting between barely beating and thudding viciously against his ribs. He can’t explain it, yet everything feels on edge, as if a blanket fear and fragility has fallen over Walford, dark and omnipresent; a heavy-weight, tension only leasing up when he gets home to Callum. To his warmth.

But it seems Callum is keeping him in a constant state of whiplash, and it’s so unlike him it sends Ben’s head spinning. Callum is either nowhere or everywhere, unreachable and distant or pressed up so close that Ben has trouble breathing. Ben wakes up alone two days in a row, later than he normally would, with a chill in his bones and a headache blooming between his eyes. It ignites this pent up feeling insidehim, this terrifying bundle of fear and nerves compiling itself in the centre of his chest.

Callum doesn’t meet him for their daily lunch-date, nor does he show up at the car-lot with a coffee and smile and Ben doesn’t go as far as to check for him at the funeral parlour. Because it somehow feels alien and odd and too much like overstepping, when really, it isn’t. In the afternoon, though, Callum will text him, a simple: Chinese tonight? and something about that tears Ben’s mind in two.

His heart spikes at the attention still though, eager, but it also sinks and swells and twists all wrong, because he always thinks the same when he wakes up alone, and he doesn’t know what to do, what to make of it. It’s not like Callum, he’s clingy in the morning, needy in all the ways Ben loves. But since the sun rose on Monday morning, he’d closed up. Cold. Distant. Closed.

But Ben goes back home, to Callum’s flat, say: Yes, absolutely, to the offer of Chinese and takeaway and Callum will be all over him, poking and prodding and kissing Ben silly as he’s perched on the kitchen counter, until Ben finally caves, folds their lips together softly. The taste of cheap beer and something so familiar between them. It’s a distraction, Ben knows that, but he’ll let Callum take whatever he wants, needs, form Ben, because it’s Callum and he can’t deny him anything, especially not this. Not when Callum’s given it to him so many times before. Comfort. Safety. Patience.

February 14th 2020

Winter’s sun has risen, and Ben is still beneath the sheets when he blinks his heavy lids open.

There’s no sound, the usual soft breathing beside him absent, and the warmth replaced with a coolness that sinks so deep it’s chilling. London’s soft light is spilling in across the sheets, slanting into his eyes, stinging, enhancing the tiredness he feels. It takes him a moment to come to himself, still halfway stuck in the darkness of his troubled dreams. When he does awake, he’s wet-eyed and hazy, and registers nothing but the empty half of the bed bedside him. He lays entirely still and swallows against the feeling of his skin curling, against the feeling of his body trying to turn itself inside-out.

Three days in a row.

He sits up with a hand over his heart as he swallows thickly. His pulse is jumping against his neck, his eyes heavy, heart sunken.

The rest of the flat seems as deathly quiet as the bedroom, just the laps of footsteps from the street below can be heard through the opened window. Ben shuffles into the kitchen to grab a drink. The water is freezing cold, glass-like a pinprick in his palms, but he drinks all of it with a rasping gulp, trying to settle himself.

It’s then he notices an old notepad flung across one of the counters, and he’s sure it wasn’t there the previous night. It been left open on a double page, there’s a sprawl of black ink across it, loopy-cursive letters filling the page.

Gone for a walk, needed to get out for a bit - Callum x

As he places the notepad back on the counter, another piece of paper catches his eye. An envelope addressed to Callum. It’s been opened with care, that much is obvious, and Ben feels awful for even contemplating looking at the contents of the card inside, as if he’s imposing on something private and intimate.

The guilt is so heavy it feels like a physical weight on his chest, but he can't resist his racing heart for too long.

Callum, love, it reads at the top with neat, unfamiliar writing. Ben's throat immediately tightens, heart falling somewhere unreachable.

Thinking of you today and always.

I hope you’ve found the comfort you need.

Vikki x

With a heavy heart and shaky fingers, Ben carefully tucks the card back into the envelope and folds the flap over it. Physically, the words disappear, but he can’t lock them away, there's this thrum pulsing through him, like his entire body is a wound.

He needs to find Callum.

—-

As Ben steps outside, the atmosphere remains stoic and silent, reminiscent of a storm brewing. The trees creak around him, groan when those harsh winds start to push. Against the soft light of first dawn, the streets seem just a simple mirage of shadow, the power lines and the silhouettes of the market stalls.

There’s this eeriest stillness within the air, barely any life to be seen — especially not the one Ben’s eyes are frantically searching for — Callum’s.

He tries the undertakers first, but the locks are bolted. Next, he visits the car lot, but it seems exactly how Bem left it the previous day, a mess. Then, the pub. The park. The Albert. No luck.

He breathes out long and slow as he reaches the cafe, his final stop, and pushes at the door frantically before him. The warmth and laughter hits him at once; it feels forgien, wrong, when Callum isn’t by his side.

It’s just Ben’s luck that he bumps straight into a tall body.

“Watch it, idiot.”

Oh. Jack.

“Sorry,” Jack says, not sounding the slightest bit apologetic. “Oh actually, I’m glad I bumped into you.”

“Right, well,” Ben says dismissively. “I’m a bit busy so can you—”

“I’ve just seen your Callum, up at the graveyard,” Jack interrupts, and Ben can’t be sure his heart doesn’t switch places with his stomach.

“The graveyard?”

With this revelation, there’s a new, different kind of fuzziness Ben’s registering now, something that isn’t phantom. His knees feel weak and he has the very sudden urge to let himself fall down. A quiet panic curls around his spine before he can stop it, and he knows it makes a home in his eyes when he finally glances up and sees the look on Jack’s face, brimmed wide with a real concern, cautious as he leads Ben out of the pub.

“Go and find him, yeah?” Jack says. He shifts a gentle hand to Ben’s shoulder, shaking him lightly. “Think he might need you today.”

“Yeah, course,” Ben murmurs. “Cheers, Jack.”

---

Ben doesn’t know why but as he approaches the graveyard, he feels full of nervous energy. He feels like he’s intruding on something, waiting for someone or something else to pop out and terrify him. But this is just Callum. His Callum.

He spots the man in question almost straight away, just a speck in the distance. The sky impossibly feels impossibly huge and wide, full of possibilities and life, yet the clouds pull in a blend of dreary greys and dull blues, trashing with the force of the wind; reminding Ben of his whereabouts. Each step he takes feels weighted, sticky and gluggy, and his under eyes are bulging, swollen, temples throbbing from the amount he’d slept, or rather hadn’t, last night.

Callum turns when he hears Ben’s footsteps approaching; startled.

“Hey,” Ben breathes softly, and he knows, meeting Callum’s eyes, that his words could break him easy as anything. Like glass about to splinter, one wrong footfall away from shattering into a million tiny pieces.

“Hi,” Callum croaks back, almost inaudible. His head lifts and he looks to Ben slowly. He looks entirely exhausted, under eyes hollowed and dark, hair a mess on his head, curled in on himself.

“I’ve been looking for you all morning,” Ben says. He hates the way his voice sounds, because he’s not angry at Callum. But sometimes anger and worry cross paths, the polar emotions become all muddled, near impossible to separate. Life and death. Light and dark. Anger and worry. But that’s what love is capable of, Ben supposes. He shakes at Callum’s shoulder gently. “Callum. Look at me, yeah?”

The sun has snuck behind the clouds now, but something is making his vision ache. It’s a new, different kind of fuzziness Bens registering, something that isn’t phantom. His knees and his elbows are weak and he has the very sudden urge to let himself fall down. To fall at Callum’s feet and beg him to open up, to let Ben in. He hates this helplessness. A quiet panic curls around his spine before he can stop it, and he knows it makes a home in his eyes when Callum finally glances up to him, his eyes brimmed wide with a concern all of his own.

“I’m sorry.”

Fear pricks at Ben’s skin at how calm and articulate Callum sounds, this isn’t like him one bit. This isn’t his Callum.

“What for?” Ben questions, not because he wants to, but because he has to.

Only Callum remains stoic and silent.

“Cal, I need you to talk to me,” Ben says. He shifts a gentle hand to Callum’s hair, fingers raking through the knots, and shakes him lightly. His eyes close with half frosted lashes. “Hey, no. Hey.”

“‘M fine,” Callum murmurs. “I’m okay. Honestly. Just—sorry.”

He takes a seat on the bench next to Callum, it’s one of those brown wooden memorial ones with tired slats and a shiny brass plaque for someone’s late grandparents, married for decades.

He stops, brushes his fingers over the plaque, and wonders, a little morbidly, if anyone would ever build a bench for him. Him and Callum.

He’s itching to take Callum’s hand. His fingers are twitching where they fall brushing lightly against Callum’s thigh. He wants Callum to allow Ben to give him what little comfort his touch might offer, wants to let him help. Wants to share their grief, lean against each other, rely on each other.

He wants to hold his hand.

“You’ve ain’t got anything to be sorry for. Nothing, alright? Just talk to me, babe, please.”

At that, Callum sits up swiftly, averts his eyes, wrings his hands together in his lap, and somehow makes himself as small as a child, despite his height.

“I uh, I need—“ Callum starts. “No, want—to tell you something.”

“Anything.” The word is so earnest it aches in Ben’s mouth.

He watches with gentle eyes as Callum pulls a photograph out of his coat pocket. It’s a little worn around the edges, a sign of love and devotion, Ben decides.

There’s two people pictured, yet only one jumps out to Ben — Callum, obviously — he looks happy, that’s the first thing Ben notices. His smile is beaming, glistening in the harsh camera flash, his eyes dancing, dimples indefinite. A far cry from the sadden look shadowing his features today.

He’s stood with his arm looped around another man; matching in uniform and smiles too.

“That’s Chris” Callum breathes, finger brushing delicately over the man's smiling face. He pushes his spare palm along the tops of his thighs, curls his finger anxiously over his knee as he releases another long exhale. Ben stares, swallows thickly at the shadows under Callum’s eyes, the way they hallow his cheeks out. Ben feels worlds away but like nothing could ever move him from this point in time. “He is—was—was very special to me.”

Ben doesn’t know what to say to that. His chest feels close to collapsing, too many emotions trying to fight for a place at the forefront of Ben’s mind, unable to simply coexist together right now, and he’s hit with waves of different feelings, something dark blue that sits like a deadweight in the pit of his stomach, something rose-red that clings to his heart.

“Was?” Ben questions, heart plummeting for the uptenth time this morning, already fearing the answer.

And Callum, he just breaks.

He releases these muffled, hiccuping sobs, his face screwed up tight. In the light of day, Ben holds him close and hushes him, brushes his thumbs over his cheeks to try and wipe his tears away, over his brows to try and soothe him, over the bumps and scars.

And perhaps the thing that hurts the most is that Callum doesn’t move at all, just hides his face away more, shoulders shaking with tired trembles.

“Look at me,” Ben whispers, and he pulls back enough to cup Callum’s hot cheeks in his palm, to press his lips to his forehead over and over. “Hey, it’s alright. I’m here.”

“He—” Callum breathes. “It’s been a year—it’s been a year, Ben.”

“Okay. Do you want to talk about it? About Chris?” Ben asks cautiously.

“I don’t know how,” Callum admits, meek. He looks away. “I’ve never—I don’t even know how—or where to start.”

“Take as long as you need, we’ve got all day, after all,” he attempts with a lightened tone.

“He was special, Ben. So special, and I never let him know that,” Callum says quietly, wistfully, but his voice grows tight and panicked as he talks, eyes watering some more. Ben’s heart spikes in his chest.

Darkness shadows across Callum’s face slowly, creeping in as his eyes grow dull, and he curls into himself again. He opens his mouth again, then snaps it shut, taking in a shuddery breath.

“You can stop if you want,” Ben whispers. “It’s okay.”

“Sorry, it’s just,” his eyes are misty again, “it’s hard to talk about him.”

He lets Callum breathe, lets him gather his thoughts. The leaves below their feet rustle soft.

“Why don’t you start from the beginning, hey?”

Callum nods and looks down at his feet. Ben can almost feel it, remember it, this strange sense of guilt that holds Callum’s posture stiff.

And so Callum begins.

He tells Ben everything he can. From the nights in the camp, the days out in fields. He tells Ben about their first few weeks on duty, about that first night they met. About the dindgy bar they drank themselves stupid in and the way their hands brushed down fingers danced as they made the trek back.

He tells him of how his dreams were filled with silent screams and broken cries and smashing glass, and how sometimes he woke up with the distinct feeling that he was about to be hurt, or that Chris was hurt, but then he’d wake to a palm on his face, gentle fingers and whispered words. Chris. Always Chris.

He tells Ben of a warmer days, sweltering in a way that England never is, of sunshine and flushed cheeks. He feels Ben of those rare days off, the ones spent down by the pool of water, feet dipping into the current and heart dipping into so,etching else entirely. He tells Ben about how vividly he remembers the blue, the way it would ripple along with their laughter as night closed in.

He tells Ben of those nights. The nights spent under the star, Chris talking Callum through each and every constellation littering the sky, as Callum himself would paint his own constellations in Chris’ eyes, fingers dancing dangerously close in the sand.

He tells Ben of the injury, the release from the army, those first few months in Walford. Wandering around the big-city as if he were looking for something he didn’t quite know he’d lost.

He tells Ben that he soon began to forget the pieces of himself from the army, that he became transfixed on putting the past, Chris, behind him, in attempt to prove himself.

He tells Ben about yearning for something, someone, he never had, he tells him of the guilt for that yearning, for the horrid shame that would settle like sludge in the pit of his stomach. He recalls the nights he tossed and turned in bed next to Whitney, hating himself for dismissing something that could’ve been so good, hating himself for wanting to change, but hating himself for who he was, also.

When he finishes, Callum slowly clamps a hand over his mouth and digs his fingers into his skin, letting out a shuddery breath.

Ben doesn’t think he’s breathed the entire time Callums been talking, all thoughts washed away by the lull of Callum’s voice, the edge to it.

In the quiet, Ben tries to get his mind to catch up with the way his chest is aching, imagining a younger Callum, inquisitive yet scared and silent.

“Thank you,” are the words Ben finds eventually.

“What for?”

“For telling me all of that,” he says, words from the heart. “It can’t have been easy.”

“No, suppose it weren’t,” Callum ducks his head, lashes fanned out and golden, the apples of his cheeks have gone rosy in the February chill as he shrugs his shoulders. “I ain’t a very private person, I find it hard to cover my emotions. But with this, with Chris, I am.”

“God, Callum,” Ben starts, bumps their foreheads together softly, as he brings a hand up to round Callum’s head, and he smiles softly when Callum finally glances up at him, his fingers twisting slowly at the cuffs of his jumper. “You’re so brave, and brilliant, and more courageous than you’ll ever know. I’m just glad I get to see it, everyday.”

And that gets a returning smile from Callum, the first of the week, soft edged, and cautious, like he’s reaching out and pressing his hand over Ben’s heart just with a look.

Ben bites at his lip, trying to find the most delicate way around his next question as he pulls away. “Do you miss him? Chris, I mean? It’s okay if you do, you know. I miss Paul everyday.”

Callum looks down at his feet again and shrugs, but it’s feeble and small, and Ben tries not to register the wetness to his own eyes.

“You do?”

“Yeah,” Ben admits. “Always will. That don’t mean I ain’t happy with you, though. I am. God, I’m the happiest I’ve been, Callum.”

“Me too,” Callum answers after a bout of silence, picking at the skin of his thumb, gaze lowered. “Sometimes,” another shaky breath. “I miss him sometimes, or rather, I think I miss what could have been. The relationship I could have had with him if I hadn’t been so scared of who I was.”

And Ben understands. It's a constant ache in the chest, grief is, an emptiness that's difficult to explain. It feels void, like a clawed hand has dug out everything that's inside of you, leaving a gaping hole in the middle of your chest, edges torn and jagged.

There’s nothing, Ben thinks, taking in Callum’s still form, quite as paralysing as grief.

But he’s sure he doesn’t need to tell Callum that.

“I’m sorry,” Callum says suddenly, shakily. “Ben, I’m so—“ he cuts himself off, squeezes his eyes shut. “I’ve been such a shit boyfriend recently, ain’t I?”

His voice is cracked, hoarse from the tears and it’s instinct, when Ben puts a hand on his arm, tries to soothe him; like riding a bike, learning to swim, the lyrics to your favourite song; Ben supposes, you never forget. “No, ‘course not. You couldn’t ever be.”

“Ain’t been much fun though, have I?”

“You’ve been hurting, Callum. There’s a difference,” he soothes, hopes his voice portrays the understanding he’s aiming for. “I know what it’s like, losing someone — someone you love,” he continues as he digs his thumbs into Callum’s back. He doesn’t want to compare the two. It’s incomparable, grief is. But he’d try anything to help Callum right now. “And you did, didn’t you? Love him?”

He’s met with a nod, shaky but there.

Ben sucks in a heavy breath, closes his eyes for a moment as the familiar feeling he’s been actively avoiding washes over him like a flood. “I know that feeling, that emptiness. I held onto it for so long, that feeling of being stuck, moving through the days in slow motion, feeling time pass around you but your life standing still.”

No one ever tells you how much it’ll hurt, no one can ever relay into words what it feels like to know you’ll never see someone’s face again, or hear their voice or feel their longed touch. It hurts, it burns, and the sting of it all doesn’t wane, it doesn’t fade. The only thing that really changes is how you begin to deal with it, you become better at coping, you learn to function, to move with the days, but you never forget and the ache never numbs. Instead it lingers and lurks, always looming in the shadows of your mind, unescapable grief, unavoidable sorrow.

“I know how you’re feeling. I get it.” Ben sighs sadly. “But you know that, Callum. You could’ve spoken to me about this, about anything. I thought you knew that?”

“I do know, I do—” Callum sighs. “I just—I didn’t want to upset you.”

“You ain’t.”

When there’s no response, Ben finally glances back up. Callum is staring at him, unconvinced, thin brows drawn together, and there’s that sadness still in his eyes that makes Ben’s throat swell, because he doesn’t want it, he doesn’t want that look, not from Callum. Not ever.

“You’re my boyfriend, Callum,” Ben says, the words sit on his tongue familiar, round his mouth like poetry. “Your problems are my problems, remember?”

“Sorry I just disappeared on you like that,” Callum whispers after a beat.

Ben shakes his head. When he speaks, his lips move against the soft of Callum’s neck, head buried in the crook there. “Don’t be daft. I understand, I know you needed time.”

“It’s just, life is so shit sometimes.”

Callum says eventually, eyes wet. Ben feels it right in the centre of his chest when their eyes meet, a dark blue weight that’s slowly working its way into his blood.

“I know,” Ben cuts him off gently with a sad smile. He encases Callum’s hand with both of his own, warmth and soft.

It’s almost as though they’re two puzzle pieces, searching for their counterparts and finding resolution in each other’s cracks and breaks and grief.

“Chris—was he—was he killed?” Ben questions, kicks himself for doing so. “On duty, I mean?”

“No, no, nothing like that,” Callum says, head shaking with force. “A car crash. Mad ain’t it? You can go out there and put your life on the line for a living, day in day out, yet something as simple as a car can be the thing to end your life.”

“It ain’t fair,” Ben agrees, “always the good ones, ain’t it? But they’ve got each other, you know? Chris and Paul, reckons they’re looking down at us now, probably having a laugh about what dramatic gays we are, but happy for us.”

“You think?”

“I like to,” Ben says, and if Callum notices the way his voice wobbles around the words, he doesn’t say anything. “I like to think they’d be proud of us, the same way I’m proud of you.”

“Shut up,” Callum says, cheeks tinted with a cotton candy blush. “When I left the army, I felt this horrible sense of relief. Because I’d convinced myself that Chris was just a one-off, a phase or whatever, that I could leave behind. I thought I could bury my feelings, for him, for boys, if I never saw him again, you know?”

“Hate to break it to you babe, but I don’t think that quite worked out for you.”

Callum lets out a quiet puff of laughter, sudden and soft, and pulls his head away from Ben’s neck. It leaves a cold patch, spreads pins and needles down his arms. Callum looks him right in the eye, red-rimmed and bleary. “Because then I met you. And God, Ben, you changed everything.”

“Soft.”

“You’re good at this,” Callum says next, and the elaboration Ben is waiting for, never comes.

He pauses, fingers still pressing into Callum’s back, half moon crescents dug deep, misshaped hearts and kisses. When he glances over, Callum has shifted slightly to lean against Ben’s side, watching with hooded eyes.

“At what?” Ben questions.

“Taking care of other people,” Callum says, voice so soft that it’s almost lost under the distant sound, the muted lap of birds chirping behind them. “Looking after us.”

“Only you.”

Only you, forever and always.

Callum blinks up at him slowly, let’s out this tiny huff of breath and with it Ben can see some tension dispute his body. It brings this fuzziness to Ben’s heart, thrumming in time with the crack of Callum’s smile.

He buries his face against Callum’s neck and kisses the skin there over and over, still holding him in the air. It feels as if there are these subtle waves washing over then, rolling sets that bring a cycle of emotions each time they lap over, washing them away as they go. It allows them time to breathe, time to grow.

“I love you,” Callum says. Ben opens his eyes and tilts his head up. Callum shifts his hand and grips tighter at Ben’s own. “More than you could ever know.”

“I love you too,” Ben says. “So bloody much.”

The wash over them in rays of sun, calm them both to the core. Ben takes to stroking his finger through Callum’s hair, watching as his chest rises and falls evenly as they settle into this delicate bubble, one of warmth and love and belonging, acceptance and allowance, one that wraps them up and nestles close.

It’s as if suddenly the fog lifts, and Ben can see clearly again. Purple, blue, orange, red; colours of feeling, of love, of life. But even with the lights out, Ben would see colour with Callum by his side, with the way he struggles not to shine.

Nothing can touch them here.

[ballumsecretvalentine]

For @weloveweird, Happy Valentine. 💖

[ballumsecretvalentine]

Four months, two weeks and five days

Happy Valentines Day @dingletragedy 💖

“Dear Ben,

I hope that you are doing well. Apart from getting up at all hours and going backwards and forth from the kitchen and standing at the firing line, I’m not doing too bad myself. Thank you for sending me letters, they really make these dark days here much brighter and they make me smile. It is funny how I have only had you in my life for a few short months and I already recognise your squiggly handwriting and it makes my heart burst when I receive them.

I really don’t know why you are waiting for me but I’m so happy that you are as ever since Chris, I have never felt this way about a guy before. I really do miss you. You make me so happy and I really cannot wait to see you very soon. I will make a note of the dinner arrangements for when I come back and I will also text you on the day just to make sure we are still good for our date! Maybe the next time that I have to go away, we can invest in Skype because at least I would be able to see that cheeky smile of yours more often despite being on the other side of the world.

Apart from being out on the battlefield, Tom and I have been experimenting with new dishes in the kitchens. We have come up with this amazing chicken pasta recipe…well more like I did! 😊  It goes down a storm in the army! I will have to make it for you when I come back, I’m sure Stuart and Rainie will not mind making themselves scarce for a bit.

I cannot believe and it really does break my heart that we have been apart for over 4 months but you will be worth the wait. I cannot wait to be reunited with you again my love.

I’ll see you very soon.

All my love always,

Callum xxxxxx ”

Four months, two weeks and five days. That’s how long they had been apart.

Ben was thankful that no one had walked into the car lot when he was reading his lover’s letter, it would have destroyed his bad boy reputation. His cheeks were a radiant shade of pink and he was smiling so widely that you could actually see his teeth which rarely happened, unless you walked in when Ben was brushing his teeth or using a toothpick to discreetly pick food out of his teeth.

Callum seemed to have that effect on Ben and Ben did not know how it happened and he had no control whatsoever over it. Callum was only supposed to be one in his long line of one night stands but here he was, four months, two weeks and five days later, and the man who called himself Callum Highway had filled his heart in ways that were indescribable but it was an amazing feeling. A beautiful and exotic feeling and Ben had not felt this way since Paul. To be honest, Ben was starting to sadly wonder that maybe Paul never made him feel this way.  

Ben sighed happily as he put his tartan coat on and hid his letter from Callum safely in the inside pocket. He strolled out of the car lot with a spring in his step and locked the door behind him. As he walked through the Square gardens, he inhaled the smell of a crisp winter’s morning and cold air blew out of his parted lips.

Nothing would destruct this delightful mood that Ben was in as he smiled to himself. People who knew Ben around here would probably have their suspicions that he was up to something.

But he wasn’t.

It had been four months, two weeks and five days.

And today was the day that Ben Mitchell was going to be reunited with Callum Highway.

/*/*/*/*/

Ben sat on a stool at the bar of the Prince Albert. He tilted his head back and shut his eyes as he tipped a shot of the burning liquid down his throat and leaning forward against the bar whilst he scrunched his whole face together in a grimace as the shot sent bright orange flames through his blood stream. Ben had only arrived ten minutes before and he had already downed two shots and drank half of his beer. He had a row with his mother about him staying out late and constantly reminding him about his responsibilities as a father to his little girl, Lexi. After a few retaliations, Ben stormed out of the house and ended up at the gay bar that his mother happened to own.

Ben let out a heavy sigh and planted his face in his hands, letting his hands run down his face as he let out a soft groan.  

“Alright sweetheart, what can I get ya?” He heard the female bartender ask the next customer close by.

“Just a bottle of beer please,” the bloke sounded polite.

When the bartender moved away, Ben sneaked a glance up to find a tall man standing close by to him and was smiling timidly as he looked around awkwardly, tapping his foot anxiously. From a side glance, Ben could already tell that his blue eyes shimmered beautifully under the many colourful disco lights that were flashing in every angle and every direction of the bar and he also had some amazing hair. Brown hair that was slicked to the side and raised a little at the front. You could tell the guy had spent a lot of time and effort to get it perfect and precise. He did not even know the bloke but just from a single look, he could tell that this guy was rather conscientious about his appearance.

“Have I got something on my face?”

Ben jumped slightly as he got pulled away from his thoughts to find the guy looking back at him. His breath hitched at the back of his throat.

“Sorry,” Ben coughed awkwardly as he scratched his chin. “I didn’t realise I was staring, was deep in thought and you just happened to be in my eyeline.”

The guy gave a small smile, “It’s fine, I do that quite a lot.” He continued to look around the room awkwardly.

Ben took a gulp of his beer, “Are you okay? You look a bit lost?”

The guy looked back at Ben. “Yeah, I’m fine, it’s just not every day that I go to bars or clubs, especially a gay bar, even though I’m gay!” He chuckled nervously.

Ben licked his lips and raised his eyebrow intrigued, as he felt his heart leap. The right answer to his suspicion and he wouldn’t mind bagging him up and taking him home. “Oh yeah?”

The guy nodded, “Yeah.” He coughed slightly. “I’m Callum by the way.”

Ben flashed a smile. He wanted to get acquainted, he was in. Ben held his hand out, “Ben Mitchell.”

Callum shook his hand. His hand was warm and welcoming and just from one firm but gentle grip, they both felt safe.

“There you go darling.”

The bartender put Callum’s beer down on the bar making Ben and Callum claim their allocated hands back.

“Thank you,” Callum gave a small smile as he took a sip of his beer whilst Ben took another sip of his.

“Is there anything else I can get you?” The bartender smiled politely.

Callum stole a glance over at Ben who was looking up at him with the beer bottle still held at his lips. “Did you want a refill?” He asked.

Ben took the bottle away from his mouth and held it up, observing the amount of liquid that remained in the bottle.

“Yeah go on then,” Ben smiled. “Thanks. Maybe I’ll buy as a couple of shots later!”

The bartender smiled at them both before she went to get Ben’s beer. Callum laughed as he took his wallet out of his inside pocket of his navy-blue jacket. Ben stole another look at Callum and smiled mischievously.

“There you go,” the bartender put the beer down in front of Ben and turned back to Callum. “That’ll be £12.17 please.”

Callum took his debit card out of his wallet and scanned the card using contactless. The card reader bleeped as it registered that the drinks had been paid for.  The bartender thanked him with a smile before quickly moving onto the next customer.

“So,” Ben cleared his throat as Callum took a seat on the stall next to Ben and watched as he took a sip of his beer. “I take it you’re not from around these parts if you very rarely go to bars or clubs unless you’re a bit of a hermit?” He teased.

Callum smiled. He had a beautiful smile, Ben registered. “No,” Callum chuckled. “I’ve just come back from the army. I’m in the army for a few weeks, mostly months at a time. I’ve come back to visit my brother, who would rather still spend time with his girlfriend who he sees every day.”

Ben threw his head back and laughed, “Families, eh? Who would have ‘em?”

Callum let out a small sigh, “Yeah. Oh well. It’s nice to be free for a bit.” He shrugged as he took another gulp of his beer.

Ben smiled as he stroked the neck of his beer bottle, “So the army? What’s it like?”

Callum shrugged, “It’s alright. I mainly work in the kitchens, but I do go out on the field quite a bit too. Guess it gives me a purpose in life and when you have time off and  you can properly catch up with friends and family, it makes you appreciate the things you have in life more.”

Ben nodded. “Well, I’ve always wanted to meet a hero.” He added smoothly, smiling cheekily up at Callum.

Callum looked at Ben and rolled his eyes as he laughed humorously. Ben let out a slight chuckle. Once the laughing had died down, they both found themselves looking at each other and their eyes were locked together for longer than what they thought. Callum smiled at Ben and looked down, feeling his cheeks start to flush. Ben smirked as he finished off his first beer. Callum looked back up to find Ben gazing at him, those mischievous dazzling blue eyes sparkling in his orbit. Callum found himself automatically smiling shyly back at Ben, like he was on auto pilot.

Ben had suddenly found that his sour mood had faded very quickly since this mysterious handsome soldier entered his life for the evening.  

*/*/*/*/

“Ben, BEN!”

Ben jumped as he got dragged away from his pondering thoughts as he looked towards Jay who was sitting opposite him with an annoyed look on his face. He was sitting in the café having breakfast with him.

Ben cleared his throat, “Sorry bruv, totally out of it then,” he let out a breath as he picked up a sausage from his plate and bit half of it.

“Yes, I could tell,” Jay rolled his eyes as he went back to reading the paper. “I swear ever since this Callum came on the scene, you’ve switched off. The eyes are there but the ears…” He scoffed.

“I’m sorry,” Ben apologised genuinely. “He’s coming back today and I’m just so nervous. Like what if he’s had second thoughts?” He begins to ramble.

Jay looked up from his newspaper, “I think you’ll be able to convince him to change his mind if that were the case.” He piped up. “And even if he did have second thoughts, he wouldn’t be writing to you every week would he. He must be keen which I can’t see for the life of me why.”

“Just because you’ve only managed to properly pull two women in your lifetime,” Ben retorted. “Both of them in which I slept with as well,” he pointed out smugly which made Jay’s eyes roll.

Ben finished his coffee with a big loud slurp much to the irritation of Jay before putting his mug down, “Anyway I better get off, those motors won’t sell themselves.”  

“Alright mate, will I get to see ya before the big date?” Jay asked.

“Well it depends whether you decide to take a break from the dead and grace me with your presence,” Ben quipped as he held his hand out to Jay and slapped his hand into his.

Jay rolled his eyes smiling, “Well if I don’t see ya, hope it goes alright and I’ll tell your mum not to wait up.” He smirked.

Ben chuckled and walked out of the café, waving Kathy goodbye on the way out.  

*/*/*/*/

“To my darling hero Callum,

I hope that you are well and I hope that you are keeping safe as I am dying to see those beautiful blue eyes of yours and your smile that just lights up a room. I cannot wait to see you. I am counting down the days until I get to see you again. It’s been too long since I last saw you, just over four months ago to be exact.

I cannot wait to see you so we can distract each other from our sleuthing by whispering sweet nothings in your ear and spending countless hours in bed with you. You could probably do with all the rest you can get but I’ll warn you, it’s going to be very doubtful as I want to get as much of you I can get before you leave me again. I’m sorry if I sound selfish. I’ve only known you for a short amount of time, but it feels like I’ve known you for longer. For the first time ever, I believe that it really was fate that brought us together. I miss you so much, babe.

I also look forward to seeing you playing wifey and cook this chicken pasta that you’re raving about for me. I hope you like burgers as that’s what my brother’s restaurant mainly serves and he keeps putting the restaurant up for nominations and cannot see why other restaurants are ahead of his??  If you don’t like burgers, I think I know something else that you could devour on instead 😉 Plus I would also like to show you off as you already mean so much to me. I was also thinking of maybe introducing you to Lexi if it’s okay with Lola and also if you want to? But I will have to make her try to understand that you will have to keep going away. I’m sure she will understand if I tell her you’re some superhero who fights off the bad men!

Anyway, I’ll let you go now. We will have a lot of catching up to do when you get back.

Forever counting down the days my handsome soldier.

All my love,

Ben xxxxxxxxxxxxx

If he smiled any wider, he swore his face would split in two. Callum Highway looked up from the letter and his eyes searched his surroundings as he sat in the back of a black cab as it started to drive through Albert Square.

He was getting closer to his love. The extraordinary man who has only been in his life for a few short months but already means the world to him and plays a big part in his life. Since Chris, Callum thought he would never get this chance again, the chance to find love and be the happiest he has ever been, but he did and in the least unexpected ways possible. Callum very rarely stepped foot in a bar let alone had a drink in one but on the one occasion that he did to get away from his brother Stuart and his girlfriend Rainie, he managed to find love himself and it was the best feeling in the world.

Ben was different compared to Chris. Ben was cheeky, flirty, gorgeous and was so soft, even though he acted like the hard man at times to most people but he was one of the lucky ones who saw the soft side, who got to see his heart and who Ben purely was. Callum did not think Ben would ever be his type but he was and he is and could not be happier that their paths entwined. Ben made Callum feel all warm and fuzzy inside and most of all, Ben understood Callum, he could see right through him and the amazing thing is was that Callum could see right through Ben as well.

“Coker and Mitchells?” The taxi driver called out for clarification.

“Yes,” Callum responded as they drove past the small market area. “Just here, thanks.” He said as they pulled up outside the funeral parlour. Callum looked up and smiled. He was at his destination and within a few hours, Ben could be there with him, in each other’s orbits.

After four months, two weeks and five days.

“That’ll be £35 please mate,” said the taxi driver.

Callum got out his wallet and paid the taxi driver before shuffling out the back of the black cab with his massive rucksack following behind him. Callum stepped out of the black cab dressed in his army uniform from head to toe with his rucksack hauled on his back. He turned his head to find the usual combustion of the market and people going about their day to day lives. These days, Callum wished that in a way he could have this life, but he kept pondering whether this life was for him or whether he was born to be out on the battlefield.

Callum sighed as he stepped up onto the pavement and pressed the buzzer to the flat.

“Hello?” A cockney voice echoed through the outside intercom.

“Stu, it’s me,” Callum responded in a chirpy tone.

“Bruv!” Stuart exclaimed excitedly. “I’ll buzz you up.”

With that, there was a loud buzz and the front door opened. Callum entered the flat and went up the stairs but was not expecting to be pounced on by his heavy (and much bigger than him) brother Stuart as soon as he stepped foot into the flat. Stuart enveloped Callum in a tight hug.

“It’s so good to see you,” Stuart murmured into Callum’s shoulder.

“It’s good to see you too,” Callum smiled, patting Stuart on the back. They pulled away from their embrace and walked further into the flat.

“Would you like a drink?” Stuart offered as he made his way into the small kitchen area.

“I could murder a cup of tea,” Callum sighed dreamily as he dropped his rucksack down on the sofa.

“Coming right up!”

Rainie suddenly came out of the master bedroom.

“Ah, I thought I heard your voice!” Rainie squealed excitedly, as she rushed over to Callum and pulled him into a tight embrace. When she pulled away, she ran her hands down his arms. Callum was like a little brother to her even if the feeling might not be mutual. “How was the journey?”

“Not too bad,” Callum responded. “Just a bit tired.”

“Well you might want to get some kip before your big date tonight,” Rainie suggested with a knowing twinkle in her eye. “Want to save your energy. You had a delivery come through, not from Ann Summers is it?” Rainie prodded teasingly, winking melodramatically.

“Rainie!” Stuart exclaimed as he got three mugs out of the cupboard.

Callum felt his cheeks turn slightly hot and laughed awkwardly, “No, I got a new shirt for tonight. Want to try and make the effort.”

Rainie smiled and folded her arms across her chest, “I saw lover boy in the café this morning.”

“Did you?” Callum said a little too enthusiastically, his eyes lighting up.

“Yes with Jay, looked completely not with it, must have been thinking of you,” Rainie commented playfully which made Callum chuckle embarrassingly.

Stuart rolled his eyes as he turned and waited for the kettle to boil.

“I better text him in a minute, let him know I’m back,” Callum says as he went to grab his rucksack from the sofa. “I’m going to go and get changed and I’ll come back out for a catch up in a bit.” He hauled the heavy rucksack on his back.

“Alright bruv,” Stuart acknowledged. “Your package is just on the side there.” He pointed to the kitchen counter.

“Thanks,” Callum smiled briefly and grabbed the parcel before retiring for a short while into the guest bedroom, closing the door behind him.

He put the rucksack down on the bed and ripped open the parcel to reveal a plain navy shirt. He removed the clear foil from the shirt as he walked over to the landscape mirror on the wall and held the shirt up against him. He flashed a wide smile at his reflection.

After days of waiting for this day to finally happen, it was finally here.

*/*/*/*/

They ended up on the top terrace of the Prince Albert leaning against the balcony drinking beer as they laughed freely and happily. They ended up talking for hours and learnt a fair bit about each other through the course of evening. They learnt about each other’s lives and their families. They were both astonished when they realised that they had both lost someone they loved.

“I wonder if our past significant others planned this y’know,” Ben suggested, teasingly. “Paul could be a bit of wind up merchant at times.”  He chuckled slightly, scratching the stubble on the side of his face as he reminisced about his past love.

“Yeah so could Chris,” Callum smiled, mesmerizingly. He looked up the stars that were twinkling and shimmering their light down towards them and a soft and gentle expression formed on Callum’s face.

“I forgot to ask,” Ben cleared his throat, scratching the stubble on the side of his face. “Since you know my last name, what’s yours? You know so I can add you on Facebook.” He winked.

Callum laughed softly, it was a beautiful sound, followed by his wide cheesy smile that Ben had very quickly grown to love. “It’s Highway.”

Ben smirked, “Well maybe I fancy taking the Highway tonight.” He quipped, flirtatiously.

Callum tutted and rolled his eyes with a smirk, feeling himself blushing slightly. Ben chuckled and watched Callum for a moment as he was looked up at the beautiful night sky with Callum. Ben did not realise until now how amazing the dark sky could be with all it’s twinkling stars and all the continents out there. The universe really could be an incredible thing.

Callum licked his lips as he continued looking up the sky with a tilt of his head. “Do you believe in fate?”

Ben burst out laughing, “Not necessarily, no.”  

Callum ended up laughing with him. Once the laughing had died down, Callum looked over at Ben to find him gazing up at him, his eyes burning into him. Callum gulped.

“What?” Callum chuckled nervously.

That’s when it clicked. The sudden need for Callum emerged from Ben as he felt the fire roaring from the pit of his stomach. The unexpected urge to be close to Callum. However, it wasn’t as unexpected as he thought as his feelings were brewing since the moment Callum walked into the bar and suddenly, he craved for Callum’s touch, for Callum’s lips against his. Ben looked at Callum with want and burning passion. Callum’s awaiting gaze was burning into him like he was imprinting himself into his heart and soul.

It was now or never.

Ben leaned forward and pressed his lips against Callum’s for a single full on kiss before quickly pulling away. Ben waited for a reaction.  Callum’s eyes turned dark and lustful as he stared back at Ben and before Ben knew it, his lips were being pounded by Callum’s as they came crashing down and it felt like the thrill of fireworks when they explode in the night sky. Callum clasped Ben’s lips in a passionate kiss which Ben eagerly responded to as he tugged at the lapels on Callum’s thin navy bomber jacket whilst Callum cradled the back of Ben’s head, running his fingers through his hair. Ben moaned softly into Callum’s mouth which allowed Callum to press his tongue into Ben’s mouth. Ben collided his tongue with Callum’s. Both were moaning into each other’s mouths as Callum got pressed gently into the balcony, his back against it.

This was not really in Callum’s element but being out here with Ben in public, it felt so right and so comfortable that he was not worried about there being an audience or gawping eyes in their direction.

Ben pulled away, panting for breath, “You know what you just said about fate?” Ben said cheekily, “I think this is it.”

Callum smirked, “Do you want to go somewhere else?” He asked, grinding up against Ben.

“Woah,” Ben halted. “Easy tiger!” He added playfully making Callum chuckle and kiss him again.

“Where do you want to go?” Ben asked, “I’m already in mother’s bad books, I’m sure she would love for you to join us at the breakfast table in the morning.”

Callum laughed, slightly tipsy from the thrill and intoxication, “Well let’s go back to my brother’s flat?” He suggested.

Ben arched his eyebrow, “You sure? When he said you can stay for a few weeks, did that include bringing a guy you met at a bar back home?” He asked playfully.

Callum shrugged casually, “He’d want me to enjoy myself. Unless you don’t want to?” He challenged with a raise of his eyebrow.

“Oh believe me, I want to,” Ben said huskily, pulling Callum towards him by the lapels and kissing him again.

When they pulled away, Callum grabbed Ben by the hand and led him out of the bar. Their laughs and smooches of kisses echoing through the night sky.

*/*/*/*/

Callum left the guest bedroom and carefully shut the door behind him to find Stuart and Rainie sitting on the sofa nursing a cup of tea and smiling in Callum’s direction.

“You alright?” Stuart asked. “Tea’s on the side there.”

“Yeah I’m fine,” Callum smiled widely as he grabbed his cup of tea. “Thanks.”

Callum picked up his cup of tea and went to sit in the chair.

“So you all excited for your date later?” Rainie asked enthusiastically.

“Yeah I am,” Callum smiled shyly. “I’m just a bit nervous as I haven’t seen him in over four months. I know we have been writing back and forth but it’s not really the same. I’m looking forward to seeing him.” He said honestly.

“Well, Rainie and I are going out for the evening, using my bonus to take my lady to London for the evening so if you want to bring Ben back to the flat later on then you are more than welcome to,” Stuart offered.

Callum felt his cheeks flush as he looked down shyly and running his fingers through his hair. This was really happening and who knows where they will end up.

*/*/*/*/

Ben tapped his foot anxiously and was biting his nails nervously as he sat in Beale’s restaurant. It was nearly 7pm and he was due to meet Callum soon.

After four months, two weeks and five days, he was almost going to be reunited with him. He felt the butterflies churning in his stomach. He checked his phone to notice that he still had another 5 minutes until they were due to meet.

He couldn’t wait to see Callum. He had wondered what he would look like now, whether there would be any difference. Would he be slightly bigger or even skinnier than he was before? Would he have grown a beard? It didn’t matter to Ben as to him, Callum would be perfect. To Ben, he would still be the crystal blue eyed angel with the most angelic smile that lights up a room.

*/*/*/*/

The yellow light of the early morning sunshine blinded through the small gap between the curtains and illuminated the room with a soft glow. Ben stirred and wriggled slightly as he turned over in the bed and laid on his side and stretched his arm out to the other side of the bed. When all he grabbed was warm screwed up sheets, Ben’s eyes fluttered open and he frowned slightly. He hastily sat up in the bed and absorbed his surrounding with a grin on his face as he started to remember the night before where he copped off with the mysterious tall handsome soldier that he met at the Albert and at the end of the night, had brought Ben back to his brother’s flat.

Ben touched the side of his neck and ran his hand across it with a satisfied smile, having flashbacks of how Callum was sucking and nibbling on his neck between the sheets. Ben started to think of the Kings of Leon song ‘Sex is on Fire’ and he always use to think “How could sex feel like that?”. Then, in came Callum Highway who walked into the Albert looking sexy as hell and lifted him off his feet, literally. And what went on between those sheets was indescribable. It was exotic, it was very intimate, hot and playful and Ben had never felt any pleasure like it. Ben felt great. This sex really was on fire. It was a burning passion that Ben did not realise he had been craving for so badly and now that he had a taste of it, he wanted more.

Ben suddenly got a whiff of bacon floating under the bedroom door and heard the soft sound of the morning radio. Ben turned his head towards the bedroom door. Ben smiled as he scrambled out of the bed and managed to find, amongst the scattered clothes on the floor that were thrown across the room the night before, his boxers and jeans along with his t-shirt that he wore under his shirt. He quickly fumbled about putting them on, leaving his feet bare and his toes curling into the carpet as he opened the bedroom door.

He found Callum whistling merrily to himself in tune to the radio wearing a navy t-shirt and grey jogging bottoms. Ben had to smile as he leaned against the door frame due to that Kings of Leon song conveniently playing on the radio in the background.

“Ohhhh, ohhh, your sex is on fire!” Callum sang happily as he tossed the bacon in the pan.

“Ah thanks babe,” Ben piped up, jokingly.

Callum jumped and spun round on the spot, spatula in hand. “You’re awake,” he smiled happily.

Ben smiled genuinely as he strolled over to Callum and peered at what Callum was cooking. “I didn’t know you did a bed and breakfast service,” he commented playfully.

“Yeah well I thought you would have a bit of an appetite,” Callum said, as he swallowed and felt his cheeks flush, feeling confident to flirt with Ben back a bit but wasn’t confident enough for his response.

Ben smirked sexily and kissed Callum on the cheek, “Oh definitely. I should come here more often.”

“Would you?” Callum said a bit too enthusiastically, mentally kicking himself afterwards for being a bit too forward. Callum cleared his throat, “How do you like your eggs?” He asks, changing the subject.

Ben looked at Callum with a soft expression, “I would like to see you again,” he admitted sheepishly. “If you want to.”

“Really?” Callum said flabbergasted but couldn’t stop smiling.

Ben smiled back as he stroked down Callum’s arm, “Yeah I would. You may be going back to the army, but I feel like we’ve got something and I would like to see where this goes. I wouldn’t mind a bit more of your company before you have to go back as well.” Ben licked his lips.

“Yeah, me too,” Callum responded with a soft voice. “I’d like to see you again.”

Ben and Callum found themselves gazing into each other’s blue pools, it felt like time was slowing down around them and it was just them, in that moment, together. They both blinked and within that millisecond, time seemed to go back to normal.

“So how do you like your eggs?” Callum queried as he leaned back on the worktop next to the stove. He had a slight pout on his lips and his eyebrow slightly arched in question. “Fried or scrambled?”

“Poached,” Ben teased, putting his hands on Callum’s hips. The two of them chuckled softly and pulled each other in for a passionate kiss.

*/*/*/*/

“Ben.”

Ben looked up to find him standing there. After four months, two weeks and five days, he was finally standing there in front of him, in the flashlight and it felt like in that moment, Ben had his breath taken away.

“Callum,” Ben breathed out, in amazement.

“Wow, Ben Mitchell, speechless?” Callum smiled. “That’s something I thought I would never see.”

Ben smiled back. His eyes felt wet. This was actually happening. He was finding it hard to process that Callum was back with him.

“Come here,” Ben croaked out as he immediately stood up, pulling Callum by the lapels and connecting his lips with his in a deep loving kiss.

They only pulled away when they could hear Ian coughing and clearing his throat behind them as a distraction. Ben pulled away and turned around, scowling at Ian’s back. When Ben turned back to Callum, he grabbed his hand and pulled him to sit next to him on his side of the booth. Their entwined hands were in between their bodies, that could not be close enough if they tried, and Ben’s thumb was stroking his hand.

“I missed you so much,” Ben admitted desperately, swallowing a lump in his throat.

“I missed you too,” Callum responded with the same amount of desperation in his voice. He couldn’t resist but kissing Ben again for a single kiss.

“How are you?” Ben asked, his voice sounding concerned.

“Bearing up, just glad to be out for a few weeks,” Callum gave a small smile. “What about you?”

“I’m good,” Ben smiled back. “I’m just so happy to see you.”

“Me too,” Callum smiled just as widely. “Me too.”

“Are you two going to take a look at the menus at all, Ben or are you going to be all lovey dovey all night and scaring my customers away?” Ian interrupted rudely and snidely.

Ben looked around the restaurant, “What customers?” Ben challenged with a smirk. “Apart from us, there’s only two other tables.”

“Just hurry up and order,” Ian snapped hastily before marching off.  Ben put his middle finger up behind Ian’s back, making Callum chuckle.

Ben scoffed before turning back to Callum, “Sorry about my brother. I would love to say that he’s a lovely bloke deep down, but he really is a self-centered pompous twat.”

Callum chuckled, “I don’t mean to make things worse, but are you hungry?”

Ben smirked, “Why aren’t you?”

“I could eat if you’re hungry but I can wait,” Callum said, his eyes suddenly turning dark.

Ben gulped, “Thinking about it, I’ve lost my appetite.” He gazed up at Callum and allowed himself to be absorbed into Callum’s burning eyes.

“Will your brother mind?” Callum asked awkwardly, “We can always come here to eat another time.”

Ben laughed but smiled softly at Callum, his face full of devotion, “You really do worry too much babe.”

Ben stood up, “Ian!” he called out, “Change of plan, we’re going to head off.”

“What?!” Ian came back round from behind the bar outraged. “I could have got another table booked in! You’ve just wasted company’s time.”

Ben rolled his eyes and pulled out his wallet, pulling out a tenner. “Look, here’s a tenner,” he slammed it down on the table. “I deeply apologise for the inconvenience that this has caused.”  He added, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Ben took hold of Callum’s hand and led him out of the restaurant, Ian’s rants soon turning into silent echoes.

The cool air of the night caught Ben and Callum as they shivered slightly and breathed in the heavens of an already perfect evening. Their hands were clasped and swinging together and as they walked through the Square.

“So what did you have in mind?” Ben wondered. “We could always have a drink in the Albert?” He gestured with his head towards the Albert that was standing in all its bright colours and flashing lights, in all its glory. “Where it all began,” he added teasingly.

Callum smiled, “I was actually thinking of heading back to the flat. Stuart and Rainie are out for the evening so we’ll have the place to ourselves.”

Ben turned to Callum and raised his eyebrow, “Oh yeah?” He smirked, playfully. “Fancy having me all to yourself, do ya?” He flirted.

“Yeah, I was thinking that maybe we can do what you mentioned in your letters,” Callum says suggestively, gulping afterwards.

“Callum Highway!” Ben gasped, mock offended. “What do you take me for? A gigolo?!”

“No, not at all,” Callum said reassuringly. He used his other hand to stroke down Ben’s arm. “I just want you all to myself.”

“Hmm,” Ben looked at Callum suspiciously before his face softened. “I just want you all to myself too. Plus that navy shirt would look soo much better on the floor anyways.”

Callum snorted and rolled his eyes with a soft smile. This was the Ben he fell in love with and one of the many attributes that he loved. “And maybe if we do work up an appetite, we can always order a Chinese later on?”

Ben snapped his head round to look at Callum, pausing them both still in the street as he kissed him full on the lips, “Look at you, you already know me so well.”

Ben and Callum smiled brightly at each other as they continued the very short walk back to the funeral parlour, nothing but smiles, laughter and kisses along the way.

The four months, two weeks and five days was totally worth it.

[ballumsecretvalentine]

Old Wounds (Ben/Callum) 

For the lovely @lucres. I hope you enjoy it! ♥️ (military!au, enemies to friends to lovers (kind of), ptsd)

Ben and Callum meet during training in the army. It’s not love at first sight.

“Oi, watch where you’re going!” Toby cries out, while half of what’s on his tray lands on the floor.

The soldier who knocked into him doesn’t bother to turn around and walks on.

“Hey! I’m talking to you!” Toby shoves his tray into Callum’s hand and goes after him. He stops the man before he can leave the dining hall, turning him around forcefully. Which is the wrong thing to do.

The man in question is Ben Mitchell, he is infamous at the training camp. Everybody knows Mitchell has a bad temper and that you don’t get in his way.

Callum leaves their trays at a nearby table and goes after them. And just in time. Mitchell has Toby by his shirt and even though Toby is taller than Mitchell, Toby seems to be the one who’s shrinking into himself.

“I-I-I’m sorry, mate. I didn’t realise it was you!” Toby is trying to talk himself out of the situation.

“I’m not your mate!” Mitchell snarls into Toby’s face. Before he can hurt Toby, Callum goes between them. It’s surprisingly easy to get Toby out of Mitchell’s hands.

“Come on, Mitchell. He didn’t mean anything by it!” Callum says, shoving Toby behind himself.

Mitchell takes a step back, musters Callum from head to toe, until he finally settles on Callum’s face, tilts his head a bit and smiles thinly.

“Protecting your boyfriend, then, Highway? I’d’ve thought you’d have better taste than that idiot.”

Callum blushes furiously, but he’s not backing down.

“He’s not my boyfriend. But leave him be, he hasn’t done anything to you!”

Mitchell is full on smirking now, his eyes never leaving Callum’s.

“See that he keeps out of my way, then,” he says and leaves.

Confused, Callum can’t do anything else but stare after him. Toby peeks out from behind Callum’s back, watching after the retreating figure of Mitchell. They’re both speechless.

Chris chooses that moment to enter the dining hall.

“What’s with you two? I thought you were getting the food in?” He asks his two stunned friends.

“Callum just rescued me from Mitchell and survived it without getting hurt,” Toby answers after a moment of silence. Chris opens his eyes comically wide.

“How did you manage that, H? Tell me your secret!”

Callum shakes his head. “I have no fucking idea,” he says in bewilderment.

They collectively turn to the door, where not a minute ago Ben Mitchell left through, look at each other, shrug and go back to their food.

~*~~*~

You see, Callum’s been training to become a soldier for six weeks now. And he loves every minute of it. Okay, so, they’re still in the UK and he’s not been assigned to a unit yet. But Callum always wanted to be a soldier, as long as he can remember. Once he realised it would open up the world to him (and that he’d get away from his dysfunctional family), Callum has wanted nothing more than this. Being part of a team, doing everything together, from sleeping, to training to eating. He loves all of it.

Well… not all of it. There is this guy, Ben Mitchell. Him and his friends are training in the same camp and they’re… a lot to deal with. Especially Mitchell. He goes out of his way to antagonise everybody, pretends to be a big man. But only when none of the officers are around. And nobody has the balls to report them.

They’ve been at the training camp longer than Callum and his friends; they will probably be assigned to a unit and be deployed somewhere around the world soon. It can’t be long now. They just have to keep their heads down and be invisible. They’d been lucky to escape Mitchell’s attention so far.

They being Callum, Chris and Tobey. They’d had become fast friends when they met on their first day of training. Luck would have it they were assigned the same dormitory. From that day on they did everything together. It helped that they all had a similar upbringing and bonded over that. For the first time in his life Callum felt like he belonged.

Toby just had to go and put himself and Callum on Mitchell’s radar, though. Callum doesn’t want the aggro; he wants to complete his training and go out in the world and do something good. He doesn’t wanna be beaten up by Mitchell before he can do that.

Callum tries not to think about it too much and somehow he seems to be in luck, because Mitchell doesn’t corner him. When they do happen upon each other, Mitchell just gives him a small smirk, sometimes even a nod and walks away.

One day, a couple weeks after the dining hall incident, Callum, Chris and Toby are walking back to their dormitory, when they cross paths with Mitchell and his friends again.

“Alright?!” Mitchell says, smiles a little and walks on.

Callum and his friends turn after the little group, their mouths open. Mitchell’s group of friends are looking back at them just as confused. Mitchel himself is walking on, oblivious to all of it. They start whispering, though Callum can’t make out what they’re saying because they’re already hurrying to catch up with Mitchell.

“What just happened?” Toby asks. Callum shrugs. He has no idea what to tell them. He doesn’t know what to make of Chris’ expression, who’s looking at Callum weirdly.

“Does that happen a lot?” he asks Callum. Callum shrugs again.

“No? I don’t see him often and if I do, he doesn’t talk to me?” It all sounds like he’s asking questions himself. He looks at Tobey, then turns back to Chris. “This was the first time since the dining hall,” Callum answers honestly. He doesn’t know what Chris wants to hear.

“If you say so.” Chris doesn’t seem to believe him. Callum has no idea why. Why would he lie about talking to Mitchell? It’s not like Callum is friends with him in secret. They’ve never talked to each other apart from that day he tried to help Toby. Callum is so confused.

~*~~*~

They’re getting ready for bed, only Chris and Callum are left in the bathroom. Callum’s just shaved and he’s washing his face when Chris starts speaking.

“I think he fancies you.”

“Huh? What? Sorry, what are you talking about?” Callum thinks he’s missed something, again.

“Mitchell,” Chris clarifies. “I think he fancies you. That’s why he’s nice to you.”

“What?” Callum turns to face Chris. He shakes his head. “Are you mad? How is Ben Mitchell nice to me? Any why the hell would him being nice mean he fancies me?” Callum feels like Chris is making no sense.

“Come on, H! You’re the only person who stopped Mitchell from hitting someone without getting hit in return. He greets you when he sees you! Today he smiled at you! Have you seen that man smile at anyone when it wasn’t in glee? No! I’m telling you, he fancies you!” Chris’ voice is getting louder with every word.

“Chris, mate. Calm down! Even if he did fancy me, I don’t fancy him. He’s not my type,” Callum tells him honestly.

“He’s not?” Chris asks quietly, Callum thinks almost hopefully.

“No, he isn’t. He’s not a nice person. I like kind people, who make others around them feel good. It’s more likely that I’d fancy you rather than Ben Mitchell.” Callum explains.

“Do you?”

“Do I what?” Callum is lost again.

“Do you fancy me, Callum?” Chris is looking at him seriously. Callum needs a moment to think.

“I never thought about it.” Callum says honestly, licking his lips. “I like you, a lot. You’re my best mate. But we’re in the army. I don’t wanna get kicked out for whatever reason.”

“Callum…” Chris takes a step towards Callum, puts a hand on Callum’s chest. Callum keeps looking at Chris and Chris’ hand and back again. But before Chris can continue, there is a commotion outside, and they spring apart like caught children.

Callum clears his throat. “I-I have to go now. To bed. Alone… erm.” He can’t look at Chris, takes his toiletries and leaves the bathroom.

~*~~*~

Callum hasn’t been alone with Chris since the bathroom incident. And isn’t it funny that he measures time in incidents now? His life! Anyway, he’s not avoiding Chris, no. He just… he wants to be honest with Chris. And before he can do that, Callum has to understand himself and his feelings. So, he avoids being alone with Chris.

Callum likes Chris. Who doesn’t? He’s friendly and outgoing and always there when someone needs help. He’s a good listener and very funny. And he makes Callum’s insides go all tingly. Does that mean he likes Chris? That he fancies him? He’s not sure. But there is only one way to find out.

~*~~*~

“I have to talk to you in private,” Callum says. Chris is in their dorm, on his bed, reading a book. He looks up at Callum.

“Okay,” is all he says. He stands up and gestures to Callum to follow him.

They leave the dorms, and head silently to the weapons barracks. There is a supply room, mostly for cleaning products and apparently that’s where Chris is headed. Chris goes in first, Callum following right behind. Chris checks the room, looks between the shelves that nobody is in there with them.

He abruptly turns to Callum who’s been following him like a puppy.

“Finally decided to talk to me, then?” he asks. He doesn’t sound angry. Callum is relieved.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to avoid you, but I also didn’t wanna lead you on.” Callum looks down and scratches his chin.

“I know, Callum. You’re a good guy. And I never meant to put pressure on you. It’s just, you started it and I thought it meant something and….” Callum stops him there, his hands going to Chris’ arms.

“Hey, no. It’s not your fault. I just needed time to think about my feelings.” He takes a deep breath. “I like you, too, Chris. It’s just that all of this is so new to me. Most of my life I didn’t let myself think about these things. You know about my family. There was no room for romance or hooking up. I just wanted to get out of there.” Callum stops for a moment. Chris is looking at him softly.

“I’d like to try, with you. If you’re willing to go slow. Because I don’t know how much I can give you.” Callum looks expectantly at Chris.

“As slow as you want, Callum,” he says. “Can I kiss you?” Callum nods, his mouth dry. Chris smiles at him, leans up to slot their lips together.

Their lips have barely touched when the door opens. They spring apart, Chris turning away from Callum. Callum turns to the door.

“Well, this looks cosy!” Ben Mitchell says, and smirks at them.

Callum feels cold all over. He gestures with his hands, all panicky. He doesn’t know what to say to make things better and Chris is no help.

“Don’t tell me, this one isn’t your boyfriend, either. Because that looked a lot like a kiss there, mate.” He emphasises on mate and Callum blushes again.

“We-we were just…” Callum starts, but Mitchell interrupts him.

“Yeah, I know what you were just. Get out of here and find some place that’s actually private to polish your guns.” Mitchell says, looking at Callum.

“We weren’t…” Callum tries once more, but again, Mitchell interrupts him.

“I don’t care. Just get out!” This time all mirth is gone from his voice, and Callum doesn’t want to take any chances. He turns to Chris, takes him by the arm and marches out. Mitchell doesn’t move, so Callum has to brush by him.

They’re both out of the room and Callum is just about to let the door fall closed when Mitchell speaks up again.

“Oh, and Highway?”

“Yeah?” Callum asks, turning back to look at Mitchell.

“You owe me!” Mitchell’s face is unreadable, but Callum knows he’s being serious. He nods and lets go of the door. When he turns around, Chris is nowhere to be found.

~*~~*~

Callum finds Chris back at their dorm and this time it’s thankfully empty of people. Callum sighs in relief and goes over to Chris’ bed.

“Hey, you okay?” Callum asks.

Chris nods. “Yeah, fine.” He stops. “Did… did Mitchel say anything to you?” He avoids Callum’s gaze.

Callum shrugs. “He said I owed him. D’you think that means he won’t say anything?”

“I don’t know,” Chris answers. “But I wouldn’t put it past him to report us. Let’s just take a break.”

“A break?” Callum’s eyebrows furrow. “We’ve barely started. We were gonna take it slow anyway. We’ll just be more careful about where we meet. Is that okay?”

Chris laughs. “And here I was, thinking I’m the experienced one, but it’s you talking me down, calming me. You’re amazing.”

Callum grins goofily. “And don’t you forget that!” He doesn’t give Chris a chance to answer, he leans down and steals a small kiss. Before Chris can react, Callum is already back on his own bed. Chris smiles indulgently and shakes his head. He’s in for something with Callum.

~*~~*~

The next day they don’t see Mitchell and they’re both glad. Callum isn’t sure Mitchell will keep shtum about what he saw. Chris on the other hand thinks they’re save but that they should still be careful when in public.

A couple days later they find out that Mitchell’s unit has finished their training and they’ve been deployed. No wonder they hadn’t had any trouble. When they find out about the news, Chris and Callum look at each other meaningfully. They’re finally safe to pursue whatever this thing between them is.

THREE YEARS LATER – Kandahar, Afghanistan

Callum is stressed. He’s supposed to be finished in the kitchen. They’re getting a new troop of soldiers today and it’s his job to show them around, to explain the workings of the base. And yet, here he is, still cleaning up. He’s gonna kill the others. Leaving him with all the work just to have a quick smoke, only to never come back. Callum mutters to himself, while running around and clearing away things.

He’s just putting away a stack of plates, having left the trays for last, when the door to the dining hall opens.

“It’s about time, you lazy sods,” Callum says without turning around. “Come and give me a hand, I should have been with the new troop 10 minutes ago.”

“Where do you want these, then?” an unknown and yet familiar voice asks a moment later.

Callum turns around and nearly drops the plates he’s carrying. He’s not sure he’s seeing right, but it’s Ben Mitchell. He’s in Callum’s kitchen and carrying a load of trays. He opens and closes his mouth a few times, doesn’t know what to say. Mitchell is the last person he expected to see.

“Did you forget where these go or is there another problem, Highway? I don’t have the time to stand around here all day.”

That startles Callum into action. He shows Mitchell where the trays go and they clear away everything in an uneasy silence. At least it feels uneasy to Callum.

When they’re done and leaving the dining hall, Callum turns to Mitchell.

“What are you doing here?” he asks.

“I’m with the new troop of soldiers. I’m their captain, to be precise. I was told you’d be showing us around and was coming to get you.” Mitchell answers.

“Ok, yeah, that makes sense. Even though this base is not small, I know most soldiers, even if it’s only by sight. And I’ve never seen you around here until now.” He chuckles nervously, running his hand through his hair. “Sorry, it’s been a hectic morning. Now, where did you leave your boys? I’ll show you to your sleeping barracks and where everything else is.”

They’re silent on their way to the others. Callum is shooting furtive glances at Mitchell, but apparently, he’s not being subtle. Mitchell smiles at him.

“Missed my face, have you?” He asks. Callum flushes again.

“No, um. Just didn’t expect to see you here. It’s been a while.” He’s trying for nonchalance. Mitchell’s look is telling him he’s not successful.

“Neither did I, and yet, here we are. Let’s catch up later, when we’re done for the day.”

Callum is too surprised to say no, so they agree to meet up later that evening, when all the chores are done.

Callum doesn’t know how it happened, but one day it became his job to show around the new troops. He guesses it’s because he’s always nice to everybody and no one has anything bad to say about him. And he doesn’t mind. This way he gets a feel for the new soldiers. He’s made some good friends thanks to his unofficial job.

Mitchell’s troop seems easy-going. There’s a lot of good-natured ribbing, some claps here and there, but no one seems to be an asshole. It’s not what he expects with Mitchell being their captain. But then again, just because he was a little shit when they were in training, doesn’t mean he can’t lead his troop.

Callum is much more interested in how Mitchell made captain in such a short time. He’ll have to ask later.

The tour takes the greater part of the morning and they end it where they began, back at the sleeping barracks. And Callum has to hurry to the dining hall, to prepare lunch. He takes one last look at the new troop, his eyes searching out Ben Mitchell. When they finally find him, Mitchell is looking back at Callum. Callum flushes and quickens his steps.

~*~~*~

They meet up at the barracks and head back to the dining hall. It’s the only place they can have a drink if they don’t want to leave the base. Callum’s a bit nervous and he’s still not sure why he agreed to meet up with Mitchell. But he can’t back out now.

The dining hall isn’t too busy tonight. A few people greet Callum loudly and beckon him over, but he just smiles at them and shakes his head. Mitchell leads them to a table in a secluded area.

“What you having, then?” Mitchell ask, not sitting down. “First round’s on me.”

“A beer, please.” Callum takes a seat, his eyes following Mitchell to the counter. He feels jittery but he wouldn’t be able to explain why if you asked him to.

Mitchell comes back with their drinks and sits down in front of Callum. Callum nods his head in thanks and takes a big mouthful of his drink to calm his nerves. Mitchell is smiling at him knowingly, taking a sip of his own drink.

“So, Mitchell,” Callum begins, but Mitchell interrupts him.

“Ben, please. Mitchell sounds so formal and we go way back.” He winks at Callum. Callum blushes.

“Okay, yeah. In that case, I’m Callum.” He stretches out his hand. Ben looks at it in amusement and lets Callum wait for a moment too long. Callum is about to take it back when Ben’s hand closes around his, firmly, shaking their hands. Callum’s blush turns a deeper shade and he lets go of Ben’s hand.

“So, Ben. How did you end up captain of your own troop? I thought it takes three years before you can make captain?” Callum asks, his hands going around his beer bottle for lack of doing anything better with them.

Ben studies him for a second and takes another sip of his beer. He shrugs.

“Right place, tight time. Saved someone important, got fast-tracked in captain training and here I am, commanding my first troop. It’s also a recent thing, so I’m just a few months short of those three years,” he answers.

“I didn’t know you were interested in leading.”

“What did you think I was interested in, Callum?” Ben arches an eyebrow, as if daring Callum to say something wrong.

“I don’t know. I just didn’t picture you as a captain, is all.” He laughs nervously, scratching at his chin.

“Have been thinkin’ about me, have you, Callum?” Callum wants to protest, but Ben goes on. “Just kidding. I didn’t picture myself leading a troop, either. But I actually like it. It’s difficult sometimes, stressful with so many men’s lives depending on your decisions. But it’s worth it.” He smiles.

“Sounds like you’ve found your calling.”

“Yeah,” Ben nods. “But it also keeps my mind busy, keeps me from doing stupid things.” He admits. “So, you know…,” he shrugs, trailing off.

Callum remembers their brief time together at training, so he just nods in return.

“How about you?” Ben asks. “Are you always on kitchen duty or was that a punishment for something you did?” He looks expectantly at Callum.

“Nah!” Callum shakes his head, smiling. “It’s part of my duties at base and I really enjoy it. As you said, it keeps my mind busy to cook for so many people. I don’t have to think about anything else.” He stops, feeling like he’s said too much. “Anyway, tell me more about this right place and right time. Who was the VIP you rescued? Anyone I now?”

Ben studies him again, and for a heartbeat Callum is afraid he’ll ask what things he’s avoiding, but Ben surprises him. He changes the subject and tells Callum all about the mission that went wrong but led him on the right path.

Before Callum realises, they’ve been talking for a couple hours and Callum has been enjoying himself. And from the look on Ben’s face, so is he. When Callum peeks at his watch, he’s surprised it’s gotten this late.

“This is it for me for tonight.” Callum starts. “I have to get up early tomorrow, training exercise.” Callum slowly gets up.

Ben gets up with him. “Yeah, me, too. Have to get acquainted with the other officers and get our orders.”

They both head outside. It’s gotten dark and even though it was warm during the day, it’s gotten colder now, and Callum hunches his shoulders to keep himself warm. He’s thinking about his bed, when a pat on his shoulder startles him.

“Well,” Ben says. “Let’s do this again, sometime soon. It was fun catching up.” He smiles at Callum.

Callum, still flushed from their drinks, smiles back and nods. Ben stares at him for a moment longer than he’s comfortable. He turns forward and his hand slowly slips from Callum’s shoulder, almost a caress. It sends shivers down his spine and Callum flushes even more.

They make their way to the sleeping barracks in silence, each lost in their own thoughts, before parting ways and bidding each other good night.

~*~~*~

Callum doesn’t know what he expected but having Ben at the base changes his life. They become friends and Callum is having the time of his life. He’s not forgot where they are, what they’re doing. How can you forget war? But Ben makes it bearable. And he thinks he does the same for Ben.

They spend a lot of their free time together, telling each other about their families and friends at home. Callum finds out Ben has a daughter, Lexi, who lives with her mum and that he visits her whenever he’s on leave. Showing Callum pictures of her proudly. Callum just grins at Ben and gushes about how cute she is.

On one of their rare nights off-base Callum finds out Ben is gay.

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t realise,” he apologises. He’d just pointed out the lady at the bar who had been eying up Ben for the last 15 minutes. Ben had just told him point-blank that he was gay.

“Wait, what about Lexi?” He asks, confused.

“Blimey, Callum. I thought you knew how babies were made?” Ben laughs. Callum flushes. Ben makes a throwaway gesture with his hand.

“It happened before I came out. I was young and trying to prove to myself that I wasn’t gay, trying to prove to my dad that I was his kind of man. It was a quick and very uncomfortable fumble.” He shakes his head. “Didn’t work, of course. When you’re gay, you’re gay. No amount of denial will help. One day it’ll want out. I’m glad I realised that early enough.” He smiles at Callum. “How about you?”

“What about me?” Callum is confused.

“When did you realise you were gay?” Ben asks. Callum feels caught out and then remembers that day with Chris and that Ben had caught them together.

“Right. Erm, yeah.” He stammers around a bit. “I-I, erm, I didn’t realise it for a long time, to be honest. My family wasn’t exactly tolerant, either, and growing up the way I did, I didn’t have time to think about girls or boys. It was about surviving. I realised it after I got out, when there was no one to put pressure on me. But I’m not out-out, you know, with the army being what it is. And being a soldier has always been my dream. So, I’m keeping it on the low. Hardly anyone knows, actually.” Callum shrugs, as if it’s no big deal, smiling a little sadly. Ben nods, knowing what Callum means.

“What about your boyfriend, though?” He suddenly asks.

“My boy-? Oh, no. I don’t have a boyfriend.” Callum answers.

“But I thought-?”

“No, Ben! There is no boyfriend!” Callum says resolutely, stopping any more questions. Callum doesn’t wanna talk about Chris, about what happened to him. Not even to Ben. And Ben seems to understand that. He changes the subject, distracting Callum from his gloomy mood.

~*~~*~

“Our units are doing a joint recce mission today.” Ben ambushes Callum outside the dining hall, startling him. It’s early morning. “You excited about going on a mission with me?” he asks cheekily.

Callum rolls his eyes, snorting. “Yeah, more like see you fail, you mean.” He grins at Ben, his eyes crinkling.

Ben grins back, clapping him on the back. “Go get ready, we’re leaving at 0800.”

They load up their vehicles, with weapons and provisions. They go over their mission objective one more time.

“Okay, boys,” Ben begins. “Our objective this morning is civil reconnaissance. As far as we know, the area we’re scouting out is only inhabited by civilians, so this should be easy. Get in, check out the infrastructure, the facilities. Keep your eyes open for any suspicious activity. Be careful out there! And watch each other’s backs. No man gets left behind!” The men confirm and pile in the cars and they head out.

~*~~*~

One minute they’re driving through the small town, the next they’re being shot at from all sides. They should have expected it, it had been too quiet, too empty. No normal civilian town was that empty.

Callum’s car gets rammed and before they can do it again and flip it, they’re all clambering out, weapons out, shooting at their ambushers. They take cover in an alley, piling behind a crumbling wall. Callum is trying his best, but it’s pure chaos.

Tony, their OC, keeps them together, tells them what to do. Their com-guy, Pete, sends out the message ‘Contact. Wait out’ to the base, letting command know what’s happened.

They’re supposed to look for the other team. Something about bigger numbers. Callum only hears half of it. Tony signals and they head out slowly, keeping cover. The other team is huddled behind their upturned car, getting shot at. Tony makes himself known through radio and Ben’s head turns in their direction. Thank God, he’s alive.

They agree that they’ll wait for a lull in the fire and that Tony’s team will cover Ben’s while they try to get to the safety of the wall. Not a minute later and there is the lull and Ben’s team is running over in twos. Ben’s the last one. He’s just about reached Callum’s unit when he’s shot and goes down. Callum’s heart skips a beat and he freezes. A thousand thoughts are running through his head, not again being the most prominent.

Someone says Ben’s alive, that he moved his head and Callum can breathe again. Then two of Ben’s men are running back for him, pulling him behind the wall.

Once back in relative safety, they pull out the first aid kit. They all have basic medical training, but Callum has helped out in the medic unit a couple times when they needed another pair of helping hands, so Tony tells him to get on with it. To keep Ben alive until they can be rescued. As if he needs to be told.

He inspects Ben’s wound as careful as he can, but Ben keeps groaning in pain. Callum says ‘it’s all right’ over and over again, not sure who he is trying to calm down, Ben or himself.

Callum can’t find an exit wound, so the bullet is still inside Ben. He hopes no vital organs were hit. Callum needs to stop the bleeding though, because he can’t do a blood transfusion out here. He pulls out as much gauze as he can and presses it on the wound. Ben’s body arches in pain and Callum shouts that he needs help to hold Ben down. Ben’s men surround them, lending a helping hand. He gestures to one of them.

“Here, put pressure on the wound. I need to inject him with anaesthetics and antibiotics.” Callum looks through the kit, finds what he needs. He’s thankful that the kits have measured medication and injects Ben first with the anaesthetics and then with the antibiotics.

Ben stutters out ‘Lex’ and Callum’s heart constricts. He has to keep Ben alive, Ben has a daughter who needs him. They all wait with bated breath and slowly Ben’s thrashing weakens and Callum sighs.

“Okay, let me take over,” Callum says, careful while taking over and putting pressure on Ben’s wound. It’s all they can do for now.

The shooting has ceased. Callum isn’t sure it’s because their ambushers have run out of ammunition or they’re waiting for them to come out.

Tony turns to Callum, points at Ben. “How is he?”

Callum shrugs. “There is no exit wound, so the bullet is still in there. We’re keeping pressure on the wound, to stop the bleeding. I’ve injected him with anaesthetics and antibiotics, so he’s calm for now. But he needs surgery. There is nothing else I can do here.” Callum answers truthfully.

Tony nods. “We’ve had contact with base. They’ll send out men our way. But they have to be careful not to get ambushed themselves, so it might take a while. See that he’s alive when they find us!”

“Yes, sir!” Callum affirms. Tony claps a couple guys on their shoulders and turns back again.

When Callum looks back down at Ben, Ben’s eyes are open and staring up at Callum. He’s trying to say something. Callum leans down.

“Th-thank you,” Ben whispers. Callum just nods.

“Hold on,” he says.

~*~~*~

It takes way too long before they’re found. Callum has to inject Ben a couple more times, fearing that any movement might dislodge the bullet and make things worse.

Ben is flown back to base, Callum goes with him, telling the medic on the heli how much medication he gave Ben.

The medic nods and gives instructions over to base to prepare the surgery. The bullet needs to be removed as soon as possible. When they land, Ben is rushed to surgery, but they stop Callum. He needs to be checked out as well. He nods reluctantly and lets himself be examined.

In Callum’s tired mind it takes longer than it should, but finally they’re told that Ben is out of surgery. But they’re keeping him sedated. He will need to be transferred soon, probably back home. Callum is just relieved that Ben’s alive. He hides out in his own bathroom and cries and cries and cries.

~*~~*~

It’s been three weeks and four days since the ambush and Callum is not okay. Ben’s been shipped home. They hadn’t been able to say goodbye, the medics had still kept him sedated.

Callum is going out of his mind, wants to contact Ben, wants to know how he’s doing. But he doesn’t want to come on too strong. He’d sent an email last week, telling Ben all about the goings-on at the base, who was being a jack and how his troop was doing without him. Telling him to write back when he was able to.

He hadn’t got an answer as of yet. And he knows it’s way too early and that Ben needs time to recover. And yet, Callum can’t stop worrying about it.

He has a bit of free time before he has to get back to training and heads off to the sleeping barracks. On his bed he finds an envelope, addressed to him. His name is written in a frilly hand. He picks it up, looks around, as if he can find a clue what it’s about. He shakes his head at himself, sits down on his bed and opens the envelope.

There are two letters and a picture in it. He picks up the picture first and his breath stutters. It’s a picture of Ben and Lexi, taken at the hospital. They’re both smiling at the camera. Ben is still pale, but he’s hugging Lexi to himself. Callum swallows a couple times, trying to keep his tears at bay. But it’s a losing battle.

He opens one of the letters and it’s actually a drawing. There are three people in it, two soldiers in green with a little girl in a pink dress in the middle, all holding hands. It’s supposed to be Ben and Lexi and Callum, the figures all having their names written underneath. In crooked letters it says: THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY DAD! Callum smiles through his tears. Lexi is so precious. He folds the drawing carefully and picks up the other letter. This one is from Ben.

Callum,  

Thank you for everything you’ve done to keep me alive. I’m feeling much better now. Thanks to you I got to see my little girl again. I’ll never forget what you did.  

I got your email. Sorry it’s taken this long to answer. Lexi absolutely insisted on sending you that drawing and no, it had to be the real thing and not on the computer, daddy. That’s what she said, so there you go.  

I hope Max is doing a good job as a deputy captain. And if not, I’ll be back in no time, you can tell him that. If you could still keep me updated about base life, I’d be grateful.  

Hope to hear from you soon.  

Ben xx  

Callum is crying full on now, not caring that someone might come in. He’s so relieved. For a moment out there, he’d thought he’d lost Ben forever and it’d scared him. Scared that it was happening again, that he was gonna lose someone important to him again.

But Ben is doing okay, he’s home with his daughter, recuperating. He smiles and brushes away his tears. Ben is doing okay, he repeats to himself. It doesn’t matter that he’s thousands of kilometres away. He’s okay and with Lexi and Callum will see him again. He’s sure of it. He folds Ben’s letter and puts everything away in the tin box he keeps in his bedside drawer for safekeeping.

Callum smiles, feeling a huge weight lift from his chest.

~*~~*~

That’s how it starts. They send each other letters when Lexi has something to send or when Callum wants to send something back to her. But mostly, they exchange emails. It’s easier and much, much faster. When Callum has the time, they even try to video chat. That’s how he meets Lexi for the first time. She’s a bubbly little thing and Callum can’t help himself but love her.

They’re on another video chat, and Lexi is present again. Ben’s already moved home, they’re sitting in the living room. Well, Ben is sitting, Lexi is coming and going, showing something or other to Callum.

They’re talking about Ben’s training, when he’ll start again, when Lexi interrupts them.

“Daddy, is Callum your new boyfriend?” They both freeze, Callum blushing furiously.

“Er, no princess. We’re really good mates.” Ben tells her.

“So, he’s not like Paul?” She asks innocently, looking at Ben with huge eyes. Ben stills and Callum thinks their stream has frozen but Lexi is still moving, so it must be just Ben.

“No, darling.” He says after a while, blinking rapidly. “Paul was different.”

Lexi shrugs. “Okay!” She says and runs away again. Ben turns to Callum.

“Look, Callum, I have to go. Talk to you soon, yeah?” With that Ben tuns off the stream, not giving Callum a chance to say anything else.

Callum would be lying if he said he wasn’t hurt by Ben ending their conversation so abruptly. He guesses it was because Lexi mentioned Paul. Who was apparently Ben’s ex? Callum wonders what happened between them to make Ben react that way, but he soon gives up. He doesn’t wanna make a big deal out of it.

But when he doesn’t hear from Ben for a couple days, he wants Ben to know that he’s there for him, no matter what. So, he decides to send Ben a short email.

Hey Ben!  

Haven’t heard from you in a while, hope you’re okay. You know you can tell me anything, right? I won’t judge you. No matter what!  

Callum xx  

~*~~*~

Callum doesn’t hear from Ben for two more weeks. He’s freaking out again, wondering what’s happened. Normally Ben sends Callum a message every couple days, sometimes just pictures of him and Lexi and Lola and Jay, who are Lexi’s mum and Ben’s brother. Sometimes they’re just one-liners, that PT is killing him but that he wants to get better as soon as possible.

But he gets nothing for two weeks, even though he’s sent countless messages. Wait, perhaps that’s why Ben isn’t responding? Is he annoyed with Callum?

Before Callum can freak out properly, he gets a notification about a new email. His heart is in his throat. Is it an email from Ben? Gingerly he checks and… yes, yes, it is. Callum tries to calm down his heart, who knows what Ben will say. He takes a deep breath and starts reading.

Callum,  

I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to write to you. I was confused and not sure how to tell you what I’m about to. Do you remember Lexi mentioning Paul? The last time we spoke? Yeah.  

Even though we’ve talked about a lot of things, I never told you about Paul. He was my first boyfriend, my first love. He was the reason I came out. I loved him and I wanted to be with him, no matter what my dad said. And for a short while, we were happy.  

You remember my dad? I only told you that he had dodgy dealings. The truth is a bit more complicated. The people he’s in business with are crooked. One day my old man did something they didn’t like. A group of his business associates happened upon me and Paul, probably looking for me. They knew I was his son. They thought if they roughed me up, it’d send a message to my dad.  

When they attacked me, I tried to make Paul run. But he didn’t, wouldn’t leave me back. He was beat up severely, we both were. They didn’t find us for a couple hours. Our attackers had left us behind, hidden in an alley. When they finally found us, it was too late for Paul.

Paul was a diabetic and combined with the injuries he’d sustained, he never woke up. He was in a coma for a long time, until his family decided to take him off life support.  

The bastards who attacked us didn’t know that my dad had disowned me. By that time, I hadn’t been part of his family and their attack didn’t change that. They killed Paul for nothing. My dad didn’t even bat an eyelash when he found out. That’s how much he hated having a gay son.  

I don’t know what I would have done without Lexi and Lola and Jay. They were all that was keeping me alive. My head was a mess and I was ready to end it. Lola had Jay and I knew he’d be a good father to Lexi. But just the idea of leaving her, of her thinking I didn’t love her enough to stay alive kept me going. I wanted to be a better dad to her than my own.  

That’s how I joined the army. It was never out of interest and love the way you did it. I knew I needed to get away, clear my head. And joining the army was the easiest way, without giving up on my family. It would take me away and during training I could live out my fantasies of killing those bastards that attacked Paul and me. But I could always return to my family.  

Lexi never met Paul, she only knows him from pictures. But I told her about him. I wanted her to know, even if she was too young to properly understand.

I’m sorry I freaked out on you. I didn’t know what to do when she mentioned Paul. I wasn’t ready to talk about him. You’re one of my best mates, Callum, and I like you, a lot. I just didn’t want you to think badly of me.  

I hope you can forgive me for my long silence. Take care of yourself and don’t be a stranger.  

Love, Ben xx  

By the time Callum finishes reading, he’s crying. His heart aches for Ben and what he went through. But he also knows he’s one of the few people who might understand what happened to Ben. He decides to write back right away, before Ben gets the wrong idea.

Ben,  

I’m sorry you went through all that and that your dad doesn’t understand what he has with you. I’m glad you have Lexi, Lola and Jay and that they kept you from doing something terrible. This world would be poorer without you. I’m happy you’re alive and that you’re my friend.  

I guess it’s time to tell you my story. I know you know about Chris. Chris Kennedy, who was in training with us. I remember the day you caught us so vividly. It was our first kiss. And before we could get anywhere at all, you were stood at the door, scaring us.  

I actually thought you’d report us, don’t ask me why. But Chris was adamant you wouldn’t. When we found out that your unit had been deployed, we were happy. We felt safe. And we were. We had time to explore whatever it was between us and we fell in love.  

It was easily the happiest time of my life, those 42 weeks of training with Chris. We spent most of our time at training together and when we had time off, we met up and spent more time in each other’s pocket.  

It happened on our last holiday before our unit got deployed. Chris had left the training camp earlier, wanting to visit his sister, before we met up that evening. It was Valentine’s Day and we’d planned a romantic dinner, away from prying eyes.  

Chris and I never met up that evening. I waited for him, but he never showed up. I was angry, but mostly I was disappointed. I tried reaching him, but he didn’t answer his phone. I called his sister, Vicky. When she told me he’d left hours ago, we both started worrying. But we couldn’t do anything.  

When Vicky finally called me, it was to tell me that Chris had been in an accident and that he was dead. He was on his way to meet me when another car crashed into him. The other driver was drunk, way over the limit. Chris died on impact, while I was sat at home, being angry and disappointed at him.  

I struggled with that, couldn’t get back to training for a while. It’s why I didn’t ship out with my initial unit. I took leave for a few weeks. Visited Vicky and helped her with Chris’ funeral.  

When I was ready, I finished my training and left with another unit. I haven’t seen her since. I couldn’t deal with going back home, facing Vicky. She never blamed me, but it’s hard to get over the fact that Chris was on his way to meet me. Had he stayed with Vicky, he might be alive today.  

The last time I talked about Chris was with Vicky, before I returned to training. She said she was happy that Chris and I got to love each other, that she’d never seen him so happy. Chris apparently used to write letters to her about me, even before we got together.  

I loved hearing that, but it was also painful, knowing I’d never have that again. So, I left and never returned home. Even when we get back from deployment, I always stay at home base. There’s nothing out there for me without Chris.  

When you asked me about Chris, I clamped up, even though you didn’t say his name. The people in my new unit don’t know about Chris, so they’ve never asked me. When they wanted to know why I deferred finishing training, I told them it was personal, and they left it at that. And I’m grateful that you didn’t press me when I didn’t wanna talk about him.  

But it was time now, to tell you all about it. I hope you know that I do understand what you went through with Paul and that if you ever need to talk about him, I’m here. I might not have known him, but you can tell me all about him.  

I’ll always be your friend!  

Callum xx

A couple days later Callum gets a short email from Ben, telling him to take his overdue holiday and to come visit him in London.

ONE MONTH LATER – London, England

Callum hasn’t been back in the UK for about 6 months. He’s missed it, of course, he has. Everything is familiar here, the people, the streets and even the weather. But most of his friends are in the army and he hasn’t heard from his family in ages. So being back feels strange.

But Callum is excited about the upcoming two weeks, to see Ben again and to finally meet Lexi in real life. Ben had offered up the guest room in his house and Callum had accepted. He liked not having to deal with the hassle of finding a hotel room that’s not too expensive and checking in and checking out. Callum hadn’t specified when he’d be arriving when he’d last talked to Ben, just that it would be sometime today.

When Callum arrives in Walford, he finds himself in the middle of a market, with people shouting about their wares and punters looking for the cheapest prices. Callum stops by one stand and asks for direction. Ben seems to live nearby, not even five minutes away.

At Ben’s door, Callum hesitates. He’s excited, but it’s a nervous excitement. He doesn’t know how it will feel to see Ben again. He checks his clothes one last time, takes a deep breath and knocks. After a moment Callum hears ‘I’ll get it’ from inside and the door opens.

Callum’s breath catches, because it’s Ben who’s opened the door. Ben himself freezes for a moment before throwing himself at Callum and hugging him tightly. Callum is surprised but he lets go of his bag and hugs back just as tightly. They stay in each other’s arms, swaying slightly, until a female voice from inside the house interrupts them.

“Ben? Who is it?”

Callum opens his eyes (and when had that happened?) and looks behind Ben. He recognises her from the pictures Ben had shown him, it’s Lola. Ben lets go of Callum but keeps his hand on his arm and turns back to Lola.

“Lo, this is Callum.” He gestures from Callum to Lola. “Callum, this is Lola.”

“Come in, come in,” she says and pulls Callum inside and into another hug. She whispers ‘thanks for saving him’ into his neck, lets go and leads him into the living room.

The room is spacious, neat and yet lived in. It’s painted in a pale blue with no wallpaper. There are a couple toys lying around. Lola goes to get Callum a drink, while Callum and Ben take a seat.

Callum keeps looking around, still nervous. When his eyes finally land on Ben, Ben is smiling at him. Callum blushes but grins back. That’s how Lola finds them, grinning at each other like idiots.

“So, Callum,” she puts down his drink in front of him and sits down beside Ben. “How was your journey?”

Callum takes a sip and shrugs. “It was okay. Our regiment returned to home base, so it was rowdy and loud, but fun.” He gestures at Ben. “Ben here probably remembers how it is, everyone is just excited to return to their families. It was a good excuse to come and visit.” He smiles at them both.

Ben nods knowingly. Callum has a difficult time keeping his eyes off him, studying every little detail about him. Ben looks good though, he seems fine. There are no obvious signs of pain. Callum is relieved.

Suddenly Ben claps his hands and startles Callum. He grins wide at Callum’s reaction.

“So, you ready to have fun the next two weeks, then?” He asks.

“Sure, if your injuries don’t prevent you from going out and about.” Callum shrugs.

“He’s supposed go out, Callum. Being cooped up at home is no good for him.” Lola intervenes. Ben shoves her, making them all laugh.

“Okay, come on,” Ben says, getting up. “I’ll show you to your room. You can come down when you’re ready. When I get back with Lexi from school, we’ll all have lunch together. After that we can decide on a battle plan for your holiday.” He smiles at Callum, who follows after him.

Ben shows him to his room. It’s small but comfortable and it has an en suite bathroom.

“So, you won’t have to fight with anybody else in the mornings. And it’s big enough to accommodate all of you” Ben says and winks at Callum. Callum flushes again and wonders if he stopped turning red once since he entered this house. Probably not.

Ben’s face turns serious after a moment.

“I’m glad you came,” he says quietly and licks his lips. Callum’s eyes follow the movement.

“So am I.” He answers just as quietly. They’re finally alone and Callum can’t look away from Ben, studies his face, tries to see if he looks different from what he remembers.

Ben’s lost his tan and the bags under his eyes are more prominent, but apart from that he looks the same. He looks good. Not deathly pale anymore. Callum might even say happy. It’s probably because of Lexi. Callum would be happy, too, if he had her around.

When Callum realises that Ben is studying him in return, the air around them changes, feels thick with tension. Callum feels unsure and clumsy. He scratches at his chin, doesn’t know what to do with himself.

But as always, Ben seems to understand without Callum having to say anything and he looks away first. He claps Callum on the back and turns to leave.

“I’ll let you get settled. I might be out getting Lexi, depending when you’ll come downstairs. Please make yourself at home.” With that he closes the door quietly and leaves Callum alone with his thoughts.

Callum sits down heavily on the bed and buries his face in his hands. He breathes slowly counting till ten, trying to calm down. He doesn’t understand why Ben has this effect on him, why he feels so alive when they’re together and yet parts of him want to run away and hide from the world.

Callum feels confused but he hasn’t had anybody to talk to since Chris died, no one to tell about his feelings. Ben’s come close, but Callum can’t talk about these feelings with him. Not yet. He takes one last deep breath and gets up and starts unpacking.

~*~~*~

When he gets downstairs after having taken a shower, the house is empty. At first Callum wants to sit down and wait for Ben and Lexi, but he feels strange doing nothing. And Ben had mentioned something about lunch, so Callum wanders into the kitchen and looks around. He doesn’t see any prepared food. He rummages through the fridge and the cupboards - Ben had told him to make himself at home, so - and finds a few things he can turn into something edible and gets going.

The backdoor opening startles Callum. He sets down the knife and turns around to see Ben ushering Lexi in.

“–things away and go get washed, little madame. We’ll have lunch in a bit.” Ben is just saying but seeing Callum in the kitchen stops him. Callum waves, smiling nervously.

“Hi! Erm, I was bored, and you told me to make myself at home? So, I cooked? I hope you guys like Spaghetti Bolognese?” Callum babbles.

“Wow, you’re really tall!” Lexi interrupts, making Ben snort and Callum laugh.

“Yeah, I am a bit tall. Sorry,” Callum says, crouching down. He looks at Ben, before he stretches his hand out to Lexi. “Nice to finally meet you in person, Miss Lexi.”

Lexi looks at Callum’s hand and then up at her daddy. Ben nods at her. She takes a couple steps towards Callum, ignores his hand, and hugs him. Callum feels overwhelmed but hugs her back. She’s such a tiny human.

“Okay, let him go, Lex.” Ben interrupts them. “Now, go and get ready. And remember to wash your hands!”

Lexi lets go of Callum. “Okay, daddy,” she says and skips out of the room, already taking off her coat and backpack. Callum looks after her, smiling.

“She really is something, Ben. You’ve done well with her.”

“That’s mostly Lola and Jay’s work, what with me being away so much. But her gobby mouth, that she definitely gets from me.” Callum grins at that, looking down. He scratches at his chin.

“I hope you don’t mind that I cooked.” He says after a moment of silence, feeling shy.

“Nah,” Ben shakes his head. “I was gonna order Chinese. A home cooked meal is much better.” He smirks at Callum. “And definitely something I could get used to!” Ben winks, making Callum blush. He rolls his eyes and turns away. He spies a kitchen towel and throws it at Ben.

“Help me set the table. I’ll be done with the salad in a minute and we can eat.”

“We’ll have to wait for Lola and Jay. I’ll text them to hurry up.” Ben answers and goes to take off his own coat.

Not five minutes later Lola is coming in with Jay and introductions are being made. They set the table together, Callum plates up and they all sit down to eat.

He watches Ben with his family, tries to get a feel for their dynamics. Lexi is obviously the little princess of the family, with everyone doting on her. Lola tries to set boundaries for her. He catches Ben winking at Lexi and her grinning back at him. Callum is glad Ben gets to come home to this. That he has a little daughter who loves him very much.

~*~~*~

That first night Callum has trouble sleeping. He’s been tossing and turning around, but he can’t sleep. He checks the clock on the bedside table and groans. It’s too late to be awake but definitely too early to get up yet. He sighs.

He decides to try warm milk. He’ll be a walking zombie come morning without any sleep. Lexi has been excited to spend the day with him and her dad. He can’t disappoint her.

He makes his way downstairs quietly, not wanting to wake up the others. In the kitchen, he pours himself some milk and puts in the microwave to heat it up. He watches the timer, so he can stop the microwave before it dings. He carefully sits down at the kitchen table, blowing on his hot milk.

A throat-clearing startles Callum out of his thoughts. He doesn’t know how much time has passed, but his milk isn’t hot anymore, so that should be an indication. He looks up and sees Jay standing in the doorway. They smile at each other.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Jay asks. Callum shrugs. “Yeah, Ben always has trouble sleeping the first couple days when he comes back home, too.” He gestures at Callum’s cup. “Is that hot milk?”

“It was.”

Jay get himself a glass of water and sits down with Callum.

“So, how you finding it, being back?” Jay asks.

“It’s strange, because life over there is so contained. Sure, we do have our routines, and we go out and have a drink. But it’s the same faces every day. Everything out here is so big, so crowded, like I could get lost any minute. I’m not sure which I like more.” He laughs. “I don’t know. Am I making sense? It’s very late and my brain is sleepy.”

“Yes, it does.” Jay nods. “Ben said something similar when he came home that first time. You’ll get used to it.” Callum smiles at him.

“I wanted to thank you for what you did for Ben. For keeping him alive.” Jay says after moment of silence. Callum isn’t smiling anymore.

“There is no need for that. I-” Callum starts, but he doesn’t get very far.

“Ben told me what happened. Well, as much as he remembers, anyway. And that’s mostly you. Keeping him alive. Talking to him. Calming him. The rest of it is a blur.”

“Not for me,” Callum says quietly and promptly covers his mouth. Stopping himself from saying more. He shakes his head, hoping Jay will understand.  

“Okay, well. I’m off to bed.“ Jay finally says. He seems to have the same mind reading ability as Ben does. Callum is grateful. "You should head up soon as well. Lexi will run you ragged tomorrow!”

“Ta. I’ll just finish this.” Callum points at his cold milk.

Jay looks at him for another moment, before nodding and heading out. Callum sighs, feeling the tiredness pulling at his eyes.

~*~~*~

Callum loves being with Ben and his family. They’re a tight knit unit, much like those in the army, sometimes brash and loud but he can see love in their every interaction. The mornings are his favourite, when they’re all running around, getting Lexi ready, making her breakfast, packing her lunch. It looks like he’s watching a choreographed play, with Lexi always being the centre of attention. And she obviously enjoys it.

These last couple days they’ve been exploring the city together. Callum is no stranger to London but discovering things from Ben and his family’s perspective is fun. It makes him see London in a different light.

Lexi demands a lot of Callum’s attention, just as with the other adults in her life, wanting to show him her favourite animals at the zoo, or that café her mummy took her. And look, there is a fair here, can we please go?

Callum knows he’s a pushover when it comes to her, but he loves seeing her smile. It reminds him so much of Ben. So, he spoils her a little (a lot). Lola’s told him off already, but Ben had grinned at him, not being able to say no his little girl either.

A couple of times he’s managed to wander around on his own, when everybody’s been busy. He didn’t mind. He’d just took off and walked around, trying to get lost in the bustle of the city. He loves being back here. And a little part of him doesn’t want to go back. He wants to stay here forever, with Ben and his family.

~*~~*~

Callum checks his hair in the mirror one last time, smooths out his shirt. This will have to do. They’re going out tonight, Lola, Jay, Ben and Callum. Ben wants to show him his mother’s gay bar. Apparently, Kathy – Ben’s mum - had been inspired by him. Ben had laughed, when he’d told Callum the story. His mother had wanted to find him a steady boyfriend and thought opening up a gay bar would bring all the boys to Ben. Only, Ben had left for the army and was still single.

Callum thinks it’s a lovely gesture. His mum left them when Callum was too young to remember her, having had enough of her violent husband. They’d never heard from her again.

And now Callum is going to meet Ben’s mother. He is nervous. He wants her to like him. He’ll be on his best behaviour. He nods to himself and goes to join the others.

The Prince Albert is not too far from they live, so they walk over there. Lola has linked their arms together, telling him outrageous stories from when they were teenagers. Callum thinks she’s exaggerating and looks to Jay. Jay shakes his head. Ben is just grinning. He thinks he should be afraid, but he’s mostly entertained by their antics. Soon after, they arrive at the bar.

The bar itself is packed, the music blaring loudly. There are posters of half-naked men and women, but they’re tasteful. Everything is bright and colourful. Callum likes it.

They make their way to the bar, Lola and Jay going to secure a table. A couple minutes later, with drinks in their hands, they find them in a corner booth, talking to someone. When she turns around to greet them, Callum realises it’s Ben’s mum. She’s a gorgeous lady with a big smile.

Ben hugs her and turns to introduce Callum. She ignores his hand and hugs him tightly, patting his back. Right when Callum is starting to feel uncomfortable, Ben saves him.

“Mum, let him go. You’re embarrassing him.”

She lets go of Callum and he can see that she has tears in her eyes. She smiles up at him.

“You’re my hero, Callum. Thank you for saving my boy. I don’t know what I would have done, if I’d lost him.”

Callum ducks his head, overwhelmed by her reaction. He can feel himself tense, clenching and unclenching his fists over and over again.

“She’s only saying that because I haven’t annoyed her, yet, today. As soon as I say something she doesn’t like, she’ll tell me off, forgotten all about my injury.” Ben says theatrically, taking the attention from Callum. Callum is grateful. He counts to ten, breathing deeply.

“Oh, shush,” Kathy says and claps Ben’s back playfully. Ben holds up his hands, pointing to his mother, making everybody laugh. It loosens the tension inside Callum a little.

Kathy turns back to Callum. “I’m Kathy, by the way. Come, sit, let’s all have a drink.”

~*~~*~

As the night goes on, Callum slowly relaxes again. Kathy has tons of embarrassing stories about Ben, making him pout and everybody else laugh. Apparently, Ben is a huge musical fan and he used to put on Kathy’s dresses and re-enact his favourite scenes, singing and dancing. Callum has tears in his eyes, he’s laughed so much and asks whether there are pictures he can see.

There is a brief moment when he feels uncomfortable again. He’s gone up to the bar to get the next round in, when a stranger comes up to him. He nods at Callum, trying to smile, but it mostly looks like a grimace.

“Haven’ seen you ‘ere before,” he slurs, smelling like a distillery. Callum just looks away.

The man nudges him, trying to get his attention. “Hey, whazz you name?” He smacks his lips, making Callum flinch. He’s too close for comfort.

“Sorry, mate, not interested,” Callum says, trying to move away furtively.

Before the other man can say something else, Ben slides up to Callum, crowding his space, putting his arm around Callum. Callum tenses for a heartbeat but relaxes when he sees it’s Ben. He tries for a smile. Ben just nods.

“You need help with the drinks, babe?” he asks, putting himself between Callum and the drunk guy.

“Yeah, thanks,” Callum answers, blushing. He leans into Ben, feeling safe. They smile at each other.

The drunk guy gets the message and leaves, mumbling into his drink.

Callum sighs in relief, turns to Ben.

“Thank you for that. I don’t think he would have left me alone without you.”

“You’re alright,” Ben winks at him. Callum blushes again, looking down. They wait in comfortable silence, still leaning into each other and join the others when their drinks are ready.

Halfway through the evening, Kathy says her goodbyes, hugging Callum again and telling him to come around for breakfast soon. Callum promises he will.

With Kathy gone, Lola pulls them all to the dancefloor, saying they all need the stress relief. Callum feels clumsy, too flaily in his big body, but Ben insists, pulling out the puppy eyes and Callum gives in. He does feel embarrassed, but he’s with his friends and they’re all having fun, laughing. Lola is right, it’s a relief to let go.

When they call it a night, Callum is pleasantly buzzed. He’s flushed and feels sweaty, but the walk back home cools him down a bit. When they’re back, he turns to Lola.

“Thank you for tonight. I didn’t know I needed that.” He kisses her on the cheek.

“Anytime you wanna go out again, you know where to find me,” she says, smiling up at him sweetly. He kisses her again, making Jay protest.

“Oi, that’s my missus. Enough of that!” Jay is definitely drunk. Lola snorts.

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s get you to bed, mister.” She turns to Callum and Ben. “Goodnight, boys!” She pulls Jay towards the stairs, patting him on his back.

Callum looks after them fondly.

“They’re good together,” He says, turning to Ben.

“Yeah,” Ben nods. “They’ve been it for each other for a very long time. It just took them a while to work things out.”

“Because of you and Lexi?”

“That, too. They had other things keeping them apart as well. But all that is ancient history, now. Jay loves Lexi as if she were his own. We’re a family. Hell, with me being away so much, he’s had to step up even more. I’m just happy my little princess has one more person fighting in her corner.” He smiles up at Callum.

“She’s lucky to have all of you.” Callum comments. He’s about to head upstairs as well, when Ben stops him.

“Listen. I hope my mum didn’t make you uncomfortable. It’s just, to her, you’re a hero, because you saved her son.” Ben points at himself. “She’ll love you forever now.” Ben’s grin is infectious.

“No, she was alright. She loves you and she shows it.” Callum swallows, feeling his throat close up. “Erm, I’m gonna head up. It’s been a long day. Good night, Ben.”

Ben stops him again.

“You sure you’re okay, Callum?” Ben asks, concerned.

“Yeah, just tired. Not used to going out anymore.” He tries to smile. But he can see on Ben’s face that he’s not doing a good job. “Just need a good night’s rest. I’ll see you tomorrow!” Callum turns and quickly makes his way to his room.

~*~~*~

Ben is lying there motionless, his uniform drenched in blood. The heat is overwhelming, coupled with the cacophony of being shot at from everywhere. And Ben is lying there motionless. Callum wants to go get him, check his pulse. Do something! But the others are holding him back, telling him it’s too late. No, it’s not! Not Ben, too! No, no, no…

Callum opens his eyes, his heart racing. He sits up, looking around frantically. For a moment he doesn’t remember where he is. Just a second ago, Ben was… Callum closes his eyes. Yeah, okay. Another nightmare. He sighs. He puts his face in his hands, breathing deeply, trying to calm his heart.

When it doesn’t work, he gets up, opens his window, letting in the cool night air. Hoping it will help. He walks up and down, trying to lose the jittery energy, but to no avail. The room is too small, and he can only take two steps before he has to turn around. He runs his hands through his hair, pulling at it occasionally. His mind won’t shut up, taking him back to the ambush. Callum feels like his heart is gonna explode out of his chest. He needs to get out of this room. He needs more space or he’ll suffocate.

He grabs a hoody and leaves his room as quietly as he can. He doesn’t know where he wants to go, but he can wander around, try and clear his mind. When he turns into the kitchen, he stops abruptly.

Ben’s sitting at the kitchen table, an unopened beer bottle in his hand, staring at nothing. He startles when he hears Callum come in. Their eyes lock.

Ben’s eyes are red, he looks like he’s been crying. Callum hesitates. Should he go back? But he can’t leave Ben like this.

“Can’t sleep?” He asks hesitantly, gets a beer and sits down beside Ben. Ben doesn’t say anything.

Callum plays with his bottle, not opening it yet. Ben sighs.

“Nightmares,” he says quietly. “You know, about-.” He stops, his hand moving to his now healed wound.

Callum stills, bottle forgotten in his hand. He turns to Ben slowly, studying him.

“I know about those,” he finally says. “Had one myself.” Ben looks at him. Callum shrugs.

“How’s PT going?” He changes the subject, needing to forget about nightmares.

“It’s not, actually.” At Callum’s confused look, Ben explains. “Apparently there is something wrong with my left ear.” He sighs, shaking his head. “They-they don’t know if I can return to active duty.”

Callum is shocked. Ben hadn’t said anything about more injuries. No one had.

“I thought you were getting better?”

“Yeah, the bullet wound is all healed up, it has been long enough. And there is no lasting internal damage. But the ear, it’s a recent development, probably after effects of how I landed after I got shot. They don’t know how it happened, but there is some damage and…” Ben stops, pulling something small out of his ear. “Didn’t you notice this little thing?” He asks, showing Callum a little earpiece.

He wants to answer, but Ben stops him, putting it back in. He shrugs at Callum’s curious look.

“I can’t hear much without the aid. They don’t know if my hearing will come back or not. I’ll have to get check ups every couple weeks. And till then, I’m staying here.”

“Oh!” Callum says quietly. “I didn’t realise. And you never said anything. Why?”

Ben shrugs again, biting his lips. “I didn’t wanna ruin your holiday. Talking about maybe not returning to the army? Not so much fun… And I didn’t want you to pity me.”

“Ben, I wouldn’t have-,” Callum starts saying, but stops himself when he sees Ben tense.

Callum doesn’t want to upset him by saying the wrong thing. He studies Ben, the way he holds himself, his eyes weary, the dark circles under his eyes even more prominent in the low kitchen light. Like he’s ready for a fight. And Callum understands.

Ben’s been hurting all this time, not knowing what his future will bring. Whether he can return to the army or not. He remembers Ben’s letter, how much the army had done for him after Paul. And Callum had gone on and on about the army, their friends and what they’d do when Ben came back. No wonder Ben hadn’t said anything.

Callum takes Ben’s hand, startling him.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to have a go at you. Do-do the others know? Your mum?”

“Jay and Lola know,” Ben says. “We haven’t told mum or Lexi. Didn’t want to get their hopes up, you know, about me staying here permanently. I think my mum knows something’s up, but she’s not pushing for an answer right now. And Lexi is just happy to have me here as long as she can.”

“I’m sorry,” Callum says.

“Yeah, well, you didn’t shoot me. In fact, you saved me. Imagine what would’ve happened if you didn’t. I’d have lost more than my hearing,” Ben tries to joke. Callum lets go of his hand.

“Don’t say things like that, Ben. It’s not a joke!” He feels himself tense again. He hates that just the idea of Ben not surviving has this effect on him.

“I’m sorry, I know it’s not. I’m not good at dealing with what happened.” He stops, as if he’s stealing himself for something. “I’m going to therapy… for PTSD.” He shrugs, as if it’s nothing. “Twice a week. Was one of the requirements if I wanted to go back to training. Not that I can now with my wonky ear.”

“Therapy? That’s good, though, right? Is it helping?”

“No. Yes! I don’t know.” Ben sounds confused. “It’s early stages yet. My therapist says it might take some time. I’m supposed to be patient with myself. Can you imagine?”

“No, not really,” Callum answers, making them both laugh. Ben sobers up soon, though.

“To be honest, Callum, I don’t know what to do if I can’t go back. I love being here with Lexi and my mum, and Jay and Lola. But I don’t know if civilian life is for me. I like the structure and order of army life. The way it keeps me in line. I’m afraid of what I might do without it. I don’t wanna go off the rails again.”

Callum puts his arm around Ben, wanting to comfort him.

“Ben, whatever happened years go is in the past. You’ve grown up now. Yes, the army gave you a structure to hold on to. But it was your decision to make that change in your life. You couldn’t have done it, if you hadn’t wanted it to. And you have your family here, they’ll help you. And as long as I’m here, I can help you figure things out.” He pauses, smiling at Ben. “You’re not alone. You don’t have to deal with this on your own.” Ben smiles back.

They’re quiet for a while, both lost in their own thoughts.

“What about your nightmares?” Ben asks, startling Callum. Callum pulls his arm back, grabbing his beer. He fiddles with the label, trying to think of something to say. In the end, he shrugs.

“Don’t wanna talk about it.” He says quietly. He can see Ben nod from the corner of his eye.

“I’m here, though, if you wanted to.”

“I know,” Callum says.

Later, when he’s back in his bed, drifting off, he remembers that he’d been about to go out of his mind and that talking to Ben had calmed him down. He falls asleep smiling.

~*~~*~

They’ve taken Lexi out to Richmond Park for the day. It’s a bit further away from home, but Lexi had wanted to go to a park with animals, because of her homework – something about drawing things you can see in a park. And Callum had wanted to try the small café one of his army mates had told him about. Ben hadn’t been able to resist two pairs of puppy eyes, so, here they are now. It’s a few days before Callum is due to leave. They’re walking together, Lexi in between them, holding their hands, trying to find something that might catch her eye.

“No, Daddy, a trashcan is boring. I need something interesting,” Lexi informs him. She lets go of their hands and walks ahead of them. Ben turns to Callum, mouths ‘something interesting’. He rolls his eyes, smiling fondly.

“Daddy, daddy, look!” Lexi whisper-shouts, calling Ben to her side. They quickly catch up with her. She’s jumping up and down, pointing into the little wood.

And there, hidden behind a bush they see a deer, with antlers and all.

“Okay, princess. You have to calm down and be quiet or the deer will walk away before you can draw it.” Ben tells her. She looks at him with huge eyes and nods. Ben walks her to a nearby bench and sits her down, helps her pull out her sketch book and pens. They whisper together, smiling excitedly.

Callum stays back a little. He loves watching Ben with Lexi. He’s so good with her. He tries to listen to everything she tells him, engages with her. If he snaps at her for whatever reason, he apologises immediately, telling her he was angry at something else.

She’s such a lively little girl, always on the move. Making the adults around her do whatever she wants. And she is so very cheeky. Callum loves it when she gets that glint in her eyes and says something outrageous for a girl her age. She reminds Callum so much of Ben.

He presses his hand to his own chest, hard, trying to soothe the ache he feels. He knows it’s a moot gesture, it’s a feeling that’s been growing slowly over the last week and a half.

And finally, finally, he understands. He understands the growing feelings he couldn’t put into words - Callum is in love with Ben. There is no earth-shattering, no stars aligning, no fate intervening. It’s a quiet but certain realisation that he’s been in love with Ben for a while. And when he thinks about it, actually tries to put it together, it makes sense.

Callum can talk to Ben, doesn’t feel the need to hide. Ben understands him, doesn’t make him talk about things if he doesn’t want to, but he’s a solid shoulder to lean on if Callum needs it. Ben never talks down to him, always encourages him to move at his own speed. Most importantly, he makes Callum laugh, brings him out of his head where he sometimes gets lost.

Callum takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, calming himself. He takes the last couple steps up to Ben and Lexi and peers at her drawing.

“That’s really good, Lex,” he tells her. She mumbles ‘thanks’ but doesn’t let him distract her. Ben on the other hand looks up at Callum and smiles brightly. It’s a gorgeous smile that makes his heart beat faster. Callum smiles back.

~*~~*~

When Lexi has drawn enough animals and interesting things for her homework, they head to the Hollyhock Café. It’s a vegan/ vegetarian fair-trade café and even though Callum loves meat, he doesn’t mind trying out new things. Ben isn’t happy about it, though, but he’ll have to deal with it. Lexi loves it immediately. She keeps saying how cute it looks.

The café itself isn’t very big, but it looks cosy. Callum heads inside with Lexi to order, leaving Ben outside to find them an empty table. Lexi wants a chocolate cake, Callum orders himself a pistachio and berry cake. And even though Ben had grumbled about the café choice, they get him a brownie.

Lexi helps Callum carry the cakes; he takes the tray with tea. They quickly find Ben.

“This is for you, daddy.” Lexi hands Ben the brownie. “You were a little whingy, but Callum said you still deserve something sweet.” She puts her own cake down and takes a seat. Ben gapes at her and shakes his head. He turns to Callum.

“Did you tell her to say that?”

“Didn’t have to. She heard you whinging, it’s not my fault.” Callum scrunches his face at Ben and sticks out his tongue. It startles a full-belly laugh out of Ben. Lexi giggles and starts eating her cake.

Now that he’s realised how he feels, Callum can’t stop looking at Ben. He really can be oblivious at times and it makes him laugh that it’s taken him this long to understand his own feelings. But then again, he’s never been very bright when it came to emotions. It had been Chris who’d made the first move. Callum wonders what would have happened, had Chris not talked to him that fateful day. He sighs.

“You okay?” Ben is looking at Callum questioningly.

“Yeah, just a lot on my mind.” Callum tells him. “Oh, you have bit of cake there-.” Callum gestures to his own lips. Ben tries licking it away, but Callum only shakes his head, laughing.

“Here, let me,” he says and swipes at Ben’s lower lip with his fingers. Ben freezes, barely breathing. Callum realises what he’s doing and stiffens with his hand still on Ben’s face.

And suddenly the air around them is charged again. Callum feels himself being pulled towards Ben. He watches himself helplessly, like it’s happening to someone else. They’re close now, Callum can feel Ben’s heated breath on his face. He licks his lips.

“Are you gonna kiss now?” Lexi asks and the spell is broken. Callum pulls back, embarrassed. He can’t look at Ben. He feels like he was about to do something really stupid.

“No, darling. Callum was just helping me clean up. I made a mess when I was eating my brownie.” Ben’s voice sounds restrained, his excuse weak, but Lexi accepts it.

“You should be careful, daddy,” she says proudly. “Look at me, all clean.”

When Callum looks at her, she has a chocolate frosting moustache. He can’t help himself; it makes him laugh. How does she say the right thing and make him feel relaxed? He turns to her.

“Come here, little miss. You need cleaning up as well. You’re your daddy’s daughter through and through,” he says fondly, takes a tissue and cleans her up.

When he steals a glance at Ben, Ben is looking down, lost in his thoughts. Callum hopes the near kiss didn’t make him uncomfortable. He sighs inwardly. He guesses he should talk to Ben, explain what’s going on. It’s a good thing Callum will be leaving for home base soon. That way when Ben rejects him, Callum will have training to distract him.

Not soon after, they head out again, making their way home slowly.

~*~~*~

When they get back, Lexi runs to Lola and Jay, telling them excitedly about all the animals they’d seen and how they had yummy cake in a cute café. She babbles like a waterfall and Lola and Jay just nod and hmm at the appropriate times.

Callum can only smile at her. She really is amazing. When he notices Ben standing beside him, he gestures to the kitchen and goes through. Ben follows him, closing the door behind them. Callum takes a deep breath and turns to him.

“I want to talk to you about what happened at the café.” Callum can feel himself flushing. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I didn’t realise what was happening until today, you have to believe me. You’re one of my best mates, that’s why it’s taken me this long to understand my own feelings. I don’t want that to come between us.” Callum knows he’s rattling on, and he wishes he could stop, but it’s like his brain has lost all control over his mouth.

“And I’ll understand if it makes you uneasy and you’d rather not spend any time with me anymore. If you wanted, I could even leave now. I don’t think they’d mind the extra hands at home base.” Callum laughs self-deprecatingly, pulling at his own hair, trying to calm his racing heart. Oh God, he wishes the ground would open up and swallow him. He’s so embarrassed.

Only, apart from being a prattling idiot, he also seems to be blind and oblivious. Because Ben is suddenly standing right in front of him, so close that Callum wonders how and when it happened. But Ben doesn’t give him any time to think, because the next second he is taking Callum’s face in his hands, pulling him down. Right before their lips touch, Ben stops and just breathes against Callum’s lips.

Ben’s eyes are open, and it feels like he’s staring into Callum’s soul. He doesn’t know what Ben’s waiting for, but the tension is killing him. Ben’s lips are so close. Callum just needs to move a tiny bit and… their lips are meeting tenderly for the first time. Callum closes his eyes and sighs. He relaxes, letting go.

Ben’s lips are chipped but oh so soft. And Callum loses himself in their kiss, letting Ben take however much he wants. And Ben is a forceful kisser, changing from soft pecks to demanding access, nipping, biting, taking. Ben kisses the way he lives; he’s a force of nature and Callum loves it.

"This is new,” Lola says, starling them apart. Ben’s pupils are dilated, his lips still wet from their kisses and he’s breathing heavily. It’s such a perfect look for him, Callum can’t help but groan quietly. Ben is looking at him hungrily, like Callum is the answer to all his prayers.

Without turning around, Ben says: “Lo, give us a minute.” His voice is hoarse, and just knowing that he’s responsible for that turns on Callum even more.

“Hey, this is my home, too, you know,” Lola protests.

“Lo! I said a minute!” Ben presses. From the corner of his eye Callum sees her turning around and closing the door, mumbling to herself something about horny teenagers. But Ben is already on him again, kissing him.

Callum lets him for a heartbeat, for two, loving that Ben is just into this as he is, but they’re not alone. And someone has to be responsible. He pulls himself away reluctantly, keeping his hands still on Ben.

“Ben, Ben! Come on, stop!” Callum tries. Ben whines, trying to pull Callum into another kiss. Callum lets go and steps away from him.

“Hey, hey!” He pulls his hands up. “Believe me, I’d rather be kissing you as well, but your family is out there, and we can’t just hog the kitchen.” Ben wants to protest, but Callum goes on. “We can continue what we’ve started here, later tonight.” He promises.

“Okay,” Ben sighs, closing his eyes. “I’ll hold you to that promise.” He takes a deep breath. When he opens his eyes again, he’s calm, collected. His tousled hair is telling an entirely different story.

Callum feels his heart ache again, filling with longing and love. He steps closer to Ben, Ben’s eyes following his every move.

“Your hair is all over the place,” Callum says softly. He runs his hand through Ben’s hair a couple times until he’s happy with the result.

Ben sighs into Callum’s touch. He smiles up at him fondly. Callum smiles back, pecks him on the lips one last time and turns Ben to the door.

When they emerge out of the kitchen, Lola and Jay stop their conversation, turning to them abruptly. Lexi is nowhere to be found, probably washing up.

They’re both grinning, Lola moving her eyebrows ridiculously. Callum shakes his head, still smiling.

“So?” Jay asks.

“You know,” Ben says, shrugging. “It’s something.” Callum nods along, he’s happy to let him take the lead.

Lola and Jay protest at the same time, talking over each other, wanting more details.

Ben shrugs again, turning to look at Callum. “We haven’t had a proper talk yet.”

“Should’ve thought of that before you started making out,” Lola throws in. Ben mock-glares at her. She just grins cheekily.

“Anyway, what are we doing?” Ben changes the subject, making Callum sigh in relief. He likes Jay and Lola but he’s not ready to talk about this with them. He wants a quiet moment with Ben. He wants to know what Ben is feeling. Because as nice as kissing him was, Ben hasn’t said much.

The other two groan at that, rolling their eyes. But they accept that Ben and Callum are not ready to talk, and Callum is grateful that Ben has such a fantastic family.

~*~~*~

They finally call it a night after dinner and games. Callum takes his time, waits until Lexi is settled and asleep, and Lola and Jay have retired to their own room, before he slowly goes upstairs. He doesn’t know what to expect. He’s excited, but also nervous, biting his lips over and over again.

When he opens the door to his room, Ben is sitting on his bed. Callum is surprised, but he was hoping Ben would be here. He smiles at Ben shyly and closes the door quietly after entering.

Callum stays by the boor, needing space between them. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if he’s too close to Ben and they definitely need to talk before this goes any further. Not that either of them is talking. Callum sighs, looking down. He licks his lips and they feel sore. No wonder, he thinks, first Ben had bitten them and now Callum in his anxiety.

“I guess we should talk,” Ben says, startling him.

“Yeah.” Callum nods.

“What you said in the kitchen,” Ben begins, and Callum looks up at him. “Did you mean it?” He asks quietly.

“Yeah. Yes, I mean it. I-” Callum swallows. “I’m in love with you. Sometimes I’m slow when it comes to feelings, that’s why it took me this long to realise. I can’t tell you how and when it happened, only that it is the truth.” Callum pauses, trying to bring order to his thoughts.

“I was so afraid when we were ambushed and you got hurt. I was sick with worry. And when they finally told us you’d make it through, that you’d live, I locked myself in my bathroom and cried. I was afraid I’d lose you just as I lost Chris and-” Callum stops, his throat closing up. He hates those memories of Ben getting hurt.

“You know the nightmares? They-they’re about you getting shot, but there is something different every time. Sometimes we don’t get to you in time and you bleed out in front of us, or you don’t make it through surgery. Or worst of all, you die in my arms because they can’t find us in time. And I just-” Callum’s feelings overwhelm him, and he starts crying quietly, his whole body shaking. This was not how he’d pictured this night would go. And yet, here they are.

In an instant Ben is with him and taking Callum in his arms. Callum tries to resist, but having Ben here, alive, it’s the only comfort he wants and needs, so he clings to Ben and lets the tears fall.

When it feels like he has no tears left to cry, Callum finally calms down, with Ben caressing his back and whispering how he’s fine and that he’s not leaving. Callum gingerly extricates himself from Ben, laughing sheepishly. He can’t look at Ben.

“I’m sorry for being such a mess. I know this wasn’t how you wanted tonight to go.”

“Callum, look at me,” Ben pleads. Callum hesitantly looks at him.

“Tonight is supposed to be about us, you and me. And if that means we spend it talking, I’m alright with that. I mean, sure, I wouldn’t mind kissing you again or having you naked on my bed. Who would, honestly?!” He leers at Callum, making him giggle and roll his eyes.

“That’s better,” Ben smiles at him. “But I just want you to be okay. I didn’t know you were struggling with what happened. Why didn’t you tell me sooner? You know I’m seeing that therapist. We could have tried getting you an appointment there as well. Or you could have come with me to one of my sessions. Did you-did you not trust me?” He asks quietly, as if fearing Callum’s answer.

“Ben, no,” Callum insists. “I told you I’m not good with emotions. I just need more time to process and understand my feelings compared to other people. I think once I would have realised what was going on, I would have come to you. It’s just that realising both – my feelings for you and about the ambush – happened at the same time.” He shrugs.

“You have to believe me, Ben. You’re the first person I want to talk when something happens. Why do you think I sent you so many emails? I wanted to talk to my best friend, I missed having you around, joking with you. When you were gone, I felt like I was missing a part of me. I know that now. Back then I knew something wasn’t right, I just couldn’t place the feeling. And I didn’t feel comfortable enough to talk to any of the other guys. You’re that person for me.” He shrugs, biting his lips. Ben smiles at him.

“You should know,” Ben starts after they’ve been quiet for a while. “For me, the best thing about the army was meeting you. You know why I enlisted, how messed up I was. The army gave me purpose when I was lost, but you were the game changer. I saw you one day at the training camp, you were talking to some guys and your smile, it was so bright and open. Seeing you like that loosened something in me and I wanted to get to know you.” Closing his eyes, Ben laughs. Turning to the bed, he sits down.

“Only, when you arrived, I’d already got my reputation as a ‘hard man’. And no matter what I tried I couldn’t get you alone. You didn’t even realise, did you?” He asks and Callum shakes his head.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Here I was, trying to get your attention and failing. It drove me crazy. But then I bumped into your friend and suddenly you’re between us, trying to protect him. It was unexpected. You know, had it been anybody else interfering, I’d have decked them.”

“Yeah,” Callum nods, remembers being surprised at Ben’s non-reaction.

“A couple days later I caught you kissing Chris.” Ben goes on. “I was so furious with myself. Of course, you already had someone in your life. And from what I knew, Chris was a good one, well-liked by a lot of people. How could you even look at me when you were with him?” Ben shakes his head, he’s quiet for a moment.

“It’s funny you should mention that kiss, you know.” Callum interrupts the silence.

“Is it?”

“Yeah, because that never would have happened, had it not been for you.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” Callum continues. “After that ‘near fight’ in the dining hall, Chris told me you liked me. I didn’t see it.” He laughs, gestures at himself. “You know, slow.” He rolls his eyes. “So, I told him he was more my type and that’s how things got started with him. Because of you, I got to experience love, even if it was for a short time. So, thank you.”

“Yeah, a regular matchmaker, me.” Ben looks at Callum, smiling. “I think it was fate that we met again, this time around. My unit had just arrived in Kandahar and they told me someone named Highway would come by to show us the base. I was shocked when I heard your name. And normally, I’d have sent one of my men to get you when you didn’t turn up in time. But the possibility of it being really you was too tempting. I had to see for myself. And I didn’t want that first glance of you in front of the others. I wanted it to be mine alone.” He laughs at himself. Callum’s heart aches for Ben.

“When I saw you in that kitchen, lumping around dishes, all on your own. It was like I could breathe again, freely, for the first time in ages. I hadn’t looked for you and yet there you were. A gift from the universe. At least that’s how it felt.” He shrugs, taking a moment to breathe in deeply.

“I was honestly content just being your friend. It felt like I’d been given another chance to have you in my life and I would have done anything to keep you.”

“But then I found out you were single, and my treacherous heart began to hope again. I didn’t want to, because I could see you were in pain and you didn’t wanna talk about it. I respected that, not having been able to talk about Paul myself.” Ben stops, licking his lips.

“But then I’d see you look at me and that hope would flare up again.” He grimaces. “It was so confusing.”

In two steps, Callum is at Ben’s side, kneeling in front of him. He takes Ben’s face in his hands, making Ben look at him.

“I’m sorry I caused you pain. And I’d take it all away if I could. But we’re both here, feeling the same way about each other. At least I hope that we are.” Ben nods slowly.

“It’s not your fault I fell for an idiot, is it?” Ben says, grinning at Callum. Callum is about to nod when he realises what Ben’s said.

“Hey!” He claps Ben on the shoulder. “Who you calling an idiot?”

“You! But you’re my idiot, ain’t ya?” Ben is grinning.

“Yeah, I’m yours,” Callum says softly, closing the gap between them and finally kissing Ben again. He knows they’ve got much more to talk about, but he can’t deal with any more heartache for the night.

He nudges Ben further on the bed and climbs on his lap, putting his arms around his neck.

“I’m not crushing you, am I?” He whispers in Ben’s ear. He feels Ben shiver.

“No, no, you’re good.” Ben sighs, kissing along Callum’s neck, making him groan in return.

“Okay, that’s good. Yeah, good,” Callum hums, pushing Ben on his back and getting lost in him.

~*~~*~

Callum slowly opens his eyes, feeling disoriented. But it’s early morning, he can see the navy-blue melting into a burning red, turning the sky into a watercolour painting from the window. He tries to turn, but there is something heavy lying on his chest. That’s when he remembers yesterday, his talk with Ben and what they’d done afterwards. Callum smiles contently.

Looking at Ben now, you’d never know how mouthy and demanding he can be. He looks peaceful in his sleep, his hair fluffy, his face nuzzled into Callum’s chest.

The sex last night had been intense, his body aches in places he didn’t know was possible. He’d hesitated for a moment when he’d pulled off Ben’s shirt and seen his wound. It had healed, no more stitches to be seen. But Callum had wanted to be careful.

“Does it hurt?” He’d asked. Ben had shaken his head.

“Can-can I touch it?” Ben had nodded and Callum had touched the wound softly, almost reverently. Such a small thing with such big consequences. He’d kissed it tenderly. Callum had been hyperaware not to hurt Ben, but Ben hat pushed him, biting and scratching at him.

“I’m not made of glass, don’t treat me like I’m going to break,” he’d said, and he’d let Callum take as much as he wanted, encouraging him. Whispering filthy things in his ear. Callum shivers just thinking about it. He wants to do it all over again, wants to get lost in Ben.

He can feel Ben stirring and when Callum looks down at him, Ben is blinking blearily, trying to orient himself.

“Morning,” he mumbles and then remembers Ben’s hearing aid. He wants to lean over to the bedside table, but Ben stops him with a kiss. He leans over himself and puts his aid in. He snuggles back into Callum, kissing his chest tenderly. Callum kisses Ben’s head and lets his hand wander on Ben’s naked back, tracing random patterns.

“This is nice,” Callum says into the silence.

“Hmm, yes,” Ben murmurs. “I missed this, you know. Just lying together, holding someone… Can we stay like this for a while?”

“As long as you want!” Callum holds on tighter to Ben, whispering I got you over and over again.

~*~~*~

The next couple days are like a dream. The giggling, the kissing, the touching. And the sex! They can’t keep their hands off each other, disappearing whenever they can get away with it, only to return looking dishevelled, with rosy cheeks and bitten lips.

Callum hasn’t been this happy in forever, and he wants nothing more than to stay with Ben. But Callum knows he can’t. He has to report back to home base tomorrow. Now that he knows there is a good chance of Ben never returning to active duty, Callum dreads going back. Not that they’re in the same unit, but Callum could have asked for a transfer.

But things are different now and his mind has been running a mile a minute, trying to come up with a way they can be together. Worst case is, Ben can’t go back to the army because of his ear. And as much as Callum loves the army, he loves Ben more. So, there is only one way this can go.

~*~~*~

They’re both pleasantly sore, lying in Ben’s bed. It’s their last night together. Callum wants to burn every little thing about this night into his mind, to keep it safe for when he’s away. He wants to remember the feeling of Ben’s callused fingers on his thighs, Ben’s soft lips on his chest, the tickle of Ben’s beard on his throat.

Too soon Callum will have to leave, say goodbye to Lexi, promising her that he’ll write her as often as he can.

God, he doesn’t want to leave them.

Callum’s hand is playing with Ben’s hair, running through it, only to smooth it out again. He can’t help it, everything about Ben is tempting Callum to touch him. And Callum is only too glad to give in.

“I’m gonna miss this,” Ben murmurs into Callum’s chest.

Callum stills. Just like Callum, Ben had ignored the fast approaching end of Callum’s holiday. This is the first time he acknowledges it.

“Yeah, me too.” He goes on after a moment of silence.

“You know, after I finish my tour, I could quit the army… Come back here?”

Ben freezes, barely breathing. Callum can’t see his face, doesn’t know whether Ben likes the idea or not. He shakes his head.

“No, forget it. It was a stupid idea.” He wants to detangle himself from Ben, but Ben stops him with a hand on his chest.

“Don’t say that if you don’t mean it, Callum.” Ben is still not looking at him. “Don’t give me hope only to never return. I couldn’t handle that.”

“I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it. These past few weeks with you, with Lexi. It’s what I want.” Ben wants to protest. “No, Ben. Meeting you and Lexi, it changed things for me. You know I always wanted to be a soldier. But that was my dream when I was a kid. People grow up, priorities change. And if you let me, I would like to make you my priority. You and Lexi.” Callum feels relieved. Now it’s out in the open and it’s on Ben to decide where things go from here.

Ben moves up, bringing their faces close, his gaze intense. Callum wants to look away, but he knows Ben needs to do this. He looks back steadily.

Finally, Ben nods slowly, a smile breaking lose. He nudges Callum’s nose with his own. “I love you.”

Callum closes the small gap between them, kissing Ben as if his life depended on it.

ONE YEAR LATER – Walford, England

Ben is excited. Callum is finally coming home to him and this time for good. They hadn’t seen each other in six months. Well, six months in person. They’d had a too short video-chat a couple weeks ago, Callum telling him that his deployment was ending soon, only for their connection to fail. Soon after he’d sent an email with details. Yesterday he’d called from home base, saying they’d arrived safely and that he’d be home tomorrow.

Lola and Jay had taken Lexi away for a couple days, giving them the time to reconnect after being separated for so long. He’d thanked them by paying for their trip.

Ben is walking around the house with nervous energy, checking again if they have enough food. He’s stocked up on everything Callum likes. The idea being that they won’t have to leave the house if they don’t want to.

A picture on the mantel piece catches his eye. Ben remembers the day it was taken vividly. The army medics had finally told him his hearing wouldn’t return, making him unfit for active duty. It had been difficult for him, but Lexi had been happy that her daddy would never go away again. His mum had hugged him, crying that Ben getting shot had been some sort of blessing. The picture shows him hugging Lexi and his mum that day. It makes him smile.

Now Ben is running his own business, he’s selling cars. It’s not the most glamourous job, but he enjoys it. And he doesn’t have to commute, with the car lot being right here in Walford, not five minutes from Ben’s home.

Callum hadn’t made any plans about what he wanted to do after the army, yet. But after Ben had got shot, he’d changed careers in the army and trained as a medic.

Ben thinks he might complete his training and become a paramedic, but he doesn’t want to pressure Callum. He thinks it would suit him, though. Callum is good under pressure, keeps calm.

The back door opening startles Ben, he puts down the picture frame and looks up. It’s Callum, he’s finally home. It takes Ben’s breath away, seeing him standing there. He’s missed that gorgeous face, the kind smile. God, that gorgeous smile. His eyes full of love.

Ben runs up to Callum, pulling him down into a kiss. He groans. And he’s missed this. Kissing Callum, tasting him, touching him.

“Where are the others?” Callum asks in between kisses.

“Gone. We’re alone for the next couple days.” Ben moans, he’s even missed Callum’s thick stubble.

Callum’s big hands wander to Ben’s arse, kneading it. He’s kissing Ben down his throat, leaving wet traces.

“Callum, please! I need-.”

“What do you need, Ben? Tell me!” Callum looks down at Ben, his gaze intense. Ben loves it when Callum takes charge.

“You. I need you!”

Callum attacks his lips, pulling Ben to the sofa. Ben goes willingly.

[ballumsecretvalentine]

Callum had to go on a mission again. Will he make it in time for Valentines day? - Ballum Military AU

Happy Valentine’s Day @eastendies 💖

[ballumsecretvalentine]

Enemies to Friends to Lovers

Happy Valentines Day @ballum-schmallum ♥️

[ballumsecretvalentine]

Nobody Can Drag Me Down

Ballum Secret Valentine for @dragmedownfuckmeup loosely inspired by the One Direction Song Drag Me Down.

Summary: Ben has known all his life his soulmate’s name began with a C, and that little bit of knowledge has been his comfort through all the stuff life throws at him. Callum’s known all his life his soulmate’s name began with a B, but he also knew that his soulmate was male despite what he told his dad. What happens when they meet each other? A soulmate!AU where everyone is born with a birthmark over their heart the shape of the letter their soulmate’s name began with.

—-

Despite all the shit Ben had been through in his life, he knew better things were coming. The small birthmark in the shape of the letter C on his chest told him that. His gran told him growing up that the birthmark was telling him his soulmate’s name would begin with a C.

When he met Paul, he thought that the C was actually for Coker, but Paul revealed his mark was neither a B nor a M, meaning they were not soulmates. Nevertheless, the two of them decided to give a relationship a go, and they fell in love, promising their hearts to each other.

When Paul was killed, the knowledge that his true soulmate was still out there helped Ben get through his grief. The subtle tingling from the C every time Ben felt down was a constant reminder for him that love was still out there waiting on him.

—-

Callum grew up listening to the stories about soulmates. So, he made every effort to date as many girls as he could with names that began with B. But no matter how many Barbaras, Brendas, Britneys, or even Berthas he went out with, Callum knew that none of them were his soulmate. Callum knew deep down in his soul that his soulmate wasn’t female, he just wished he was brave enough to face up to his homophobic dad and tell him the truth. Deep down, he knew the B stood for Brian, or Brendan, or Ben.

When Callum joined the army; it gave him the chance to be himself, not a version of himself that was constantly seeking approval from Jonno. He knew that he still had to hide his sexuality, but he was free from being forced to meet girls beginning with a B. So, he allowed himself to develop feelings for his best friend Chris. Didn’t mean he acted on them, after all Chris Kennedy didn’t feature a B anywhere in his name.

When Callum left the army, he decided to put his façade back up and pretend he was straight once again. Living in Walford with his mate Lee’s family made him wary that word would get back to Jonno about his sexual preferences. When Whitney started showing an interest in him, Callum decided to try giving a relationship with her a shot. She told him she didn’t believe in soulmates anymore after the way Lee had treated her (her soul mark was the letter L), so she didn’t care that Callum’s was a B and not a W. Which was fine with Callum, because he knew the only B that would ever be in his heart would be a guy.

Soon enough, things were going good with Whitney, Callum had even made the leap to sleep with her (which is something he hadn’t done with any of the other girls before). But that all changed one day while he was working a shift in the Vic. Whitney called him over to introduce him to a new old face to the Square.

Ben Mitchell!

—-

Being back on the Square was weird for Ben. Yes, he grew up there, lost both virginities there, became a dad there (to name a few), but it just felt as though there was something more waiting for him. Something that hadn’t been there when he left. Heading into the Vic to meet Lola and Jay, Ben could swear there was something more pulling him there, and when he laid eyes on the barman working alongside Whitney, he knew exactly what it was.

“Ben Mitchell,” he said with a small smirk as he held out his hand to the new face.

“Callum Highway,” Callum replied with a smile as he returned the handshake.

And then Whitney made it known that Callum was hers. But the tingle that shot through Ben from the point of connection at their joined hands all the way to his soul mark told Ben all he needed to know. Callum Highway was the missing part to his soul. The part that was always there with Ben through everything, reminding him that he wasn’t alone, that there was always someone who would be there for him.

At that moment, Ben made a silent promise to himself and Callum, that they were meant to be and he will make sure that they end up together.

[ballumsecretvalentine]

Happy secret valentines @callumsmitchells !! I know its supposed to be a happy day but i could’t resist giving you something ptsd related. Its what we deserve, its the pain we all want.

Have a lovely day and may the ptsd sl come soon 💙